Original subtitles

Yo! This is your President speaking.

He's fucking brilliant, isn't he, Steve?

Flat got flooded.

You should move in with me.

What do you think of Jesse?

He's all right.

You think he's a knob head, don't you?

No, just don't want to see you get hurt.

Dionne.

Martin.

Still talking to yourself, then?

He's dumped me, Martin.

Ohh. Come here.

Why is it so big?

It were the last blank card in the shop.

It's all in here.

Why's everybody keep buying big things? Feel like I'm shrinking.

Should have come to my shop. I've got all sort of cards.

There's a good mark-up on cards.

People are paying four quid for a bit of stiff paper.

It's lunacy!

Shouldn't have done it by card, though.

Face to face is the rule, isn't it?

It says here that he could get his words out better in a card.

What, you've not spoken to him?

Phone's switched off.

What a douche bag!

Yeah! That's right!

Just...

Do you want a hand?

Let it go, Jean. It's more symbolic than anything.

There! Torn into a million pieces!

Can you move back home now, Martin?

Please?

It's for the best. Neil can't sleep in a car bed for ever.

You know who could, though, don't you, Jean?

Ha ha!

Ronnie Corbett could!

I'd absolutely fucking love it! I'm only tiny.

Broom broom! Get out of the way!

I've nine jagerbombs and I'm going mental.

Has this voice stuff gone to your head now, then?

Hardly! I'm doing celebrity voices for SatNavs.

Where am I going to sleep?

My bedroom. On the floor.

On the floor? Still, it's better than living with Neil.

Oh, cry me a river, mate! We've all got problems. Typical man!

You missed a bit.

Huh?

Just banter. You're doing a good job, Mr, err...

Hurdle.

Yeah.

No, I'm not. I'm doing a shit job.

But not for much longer.

So it's four voices, four hours.

Any more, they have to pay more.

If you don't get it all done today, then we'll run into tomorrow.

So if you're getting tired, then let me know.

Yeah, I don't want to lose my voice.

Maybe we should get it insured. I'll look into that.

Nice drive this, innit? The radio any good?

Ah, it's all right. Rather listen to your Terry Wogan, though.

Hello, dear listener!

Hulk Wogan here...

back from the cop shop, where I was recently held on the charge of

having sex with a cuckoo clock.

But I'm an innocent man, I tell you. Or am I?

To discuss this and other matters, I'm joined in the studio by a young

man with a robotic face and the legs of a robin red breast.

Hello!

Hello, Terry.

Give us one for level.

You have the right to turn right

or go left or go straight.

Yeah, all levels are good on that.

OK. Crack on with the list.

Take the first exit at the roundabout.

Take the second exit at the roundabout.

Take the third exit at the roundabout.

Take the fourth exit at the roundabout.

What the hell are you doing?

Recalculating, recalculating.

Martin, I've just got to pop out for a bit.

You're all right just carrying on, yeah?

Yeah, I'll just keep reading these.

It's all recording, so just crack on.

What you're doing is great, yeah?

Recalculating, recalculating.

You idiot! Now we must recalculate.

'Bear left. Bear right.

'Now you got to U-turn.

'Hoorah! Recalculating.'

Umm... I've stopped because there's a page or two missing.

I don't know whether to come and look for you or just sit here

and wait.

You have the right to turn right

or go left

or go straight

or gay

or lesbian,

bisexual, transgender.

We are all citizens of the world.

Most of us knew weren't getting out alive,

so I hid your Daddy's SatNav in my ass.

For seven years, it was telling me to do a U-turn.

Give me your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle

and your bumbag and your correctional shoe.

You leave my correctional shoe. I was connected! Who do you know?

Hoorah!

Really, I had it easy compared to the guy who carried your father's

George Foreman grill.

Say hello to my little friend.

Don't get me involved.

Hey, Al! Why you always got to go so big?

I know! It's like I went up here in the '80s and now I'm stuck.

I'm not even sure if most of my characters would even be shouting.

Personally, I like to keep it all on one level.

That way, there's no surprises for the audience.

That's not true cos of the whole "get to the chopper" thing.

Oh yeah, two levels. Get to the chopper! Aaaarghh!

Why don't you just try bringing it down gradually, Al?

That's how I got the SatNav out.

OK. Here I am, bringing it down, all the way down.

May I suggest that we all bring it down

cos that guy's going to come back?

Yeah, he's going to give us 250 quid.

What, each?

There you go, Al. You went big again.

I won't have to pick up any litter any more. I could go on holiday.

I could grow a beard.

You have got something under that dressing gown, haven't you, Martin?

I don't want your balls touching me bed.

Yes! I've got two pairs of pants and a pair of pyjama bottoms under here.

Thanks for coming back, mate.

Even this is better than me being on me own.

What if I never find a decent fella, Martin?

You will.

Not going to shave me legs now for ages. Sod it!

Hm! There you go.

You know my mate Kelly?

She met her husband by crashing into the back of his car.

Did she?

Yeah.

Maybe I should get a car.

Jesse was a knob head, weren't he?

I miss him, though.

What's up, Jean? It's the J Dog, the Jessinator.

Want to hang out tonight?

Cool, cool! I like rock up at eight an' shit.

Jean?

What?

I'm not Jesse.

I know you're not, you idiot!

It's bed time now. You get on the floor.

Maybe I should get a dog.

It's Neil. Martin, it's Neil!

You've gone fucking viral, mate! You're all over the internet.

What a beautiful lagoon.

They keep this secret, don't they?

'Oh yeah, they've kept this way secret.

'I know, follow me guys, quickly.'

How did they get it?

Looks like my webcam.

It's had loads of views on YouTube already,

every time I looked at it, it went up.

That's from you viewing it.

It's in the thousands, Mart.

Bloody hell!

You're the new cat in the wheelie bin lady.

Who?

She put a cat in a wheelie bin.

Why?

I haven't put a cat in a wheelie bin, Neil.

Hello, hello.

OK, I've seen it, it's cool, this is good.

I'm a bit pissed off with the engineer for putting it online,

but he thought he was helping.

Seriously, this is not a bad thing, this is good.

Thousands of views, Steven.

They'll track him down.

Have they got my name?

Nope, they're just calling you freaky voice man, so...

Can we take it down?

We could, but this is the kind of publicity you can't buy.

Yeah, stop complaining, Martin.

I post photos of everything I eat on Twitter

and it's like no-one even cares.

You've just strolled in as weirdo scary voice man.

Freaky voice man.

Freaky voice man.

That's who you are now.

There's loads of good comments.

"This guy's amazing." "Give this guy a TV show." See?

Lot of negative things though, isn't there?

"Ah, it's a freak, kill it before it breeds."

"Fake. I bet this is a viral for some bullshit."

"His Obama is bad."

Mind you, bad means good though, don't it?

Yeah, if you're a pimp in 1970s New York.

Well, who knows who these people are?

Hello, yeah.

What's a fuck-tard?

It's on The Sun website.

This is good news, this is great.

It's a good thing.

OK, bye.

What?

It's on The Sun website.

Bloody hell.

Yeah, there you are.

"Do you know freaky voice man?

"Call this number now."

'Let's get to the chopper, everybody.

'Come on, run, go, get to the chopper!'

Well, this will end in tears.

I hate this job, it's rubbish.

Oh, same old jokes.

Looks hard, but you soon pick it up.

I handed in my notice this morning, Chels.

You what?

Yeah, I'm going to make a go of it with my voices, you know.

Oh, Martin, I'm proud of you.

Oh, I'll miss you, but I'm proud of you.

Workers aren't allowed to engage in displays of affection

on company property, including celebratory or consoling hugs

or kisses.

You'll lose your desk.

Shut up.

Heh!

Don't get stuck here, Chelsea.

If you're not careful, it'll be seven years down the line

and then you'll look around and wonder where the time...

What are they all staring at?

Don't know.

There's this video of me on the internet.

Oh, my God, what is it?

It's nothing sexual.

It's me doing some voices.

Somebody filmed me without me knowing

and well, I've gone bloody viral, Chels.

They've never looked at us before.

Martin, you are drawing more attention like that.

How? It's just a hat and shades.

That's what famous people wear.

What you scared of, mate?

Nothing.

Are you worried people think you're a freak?

No.

Are you worried that people like the people in the Irish club

will see you and know you've been lying?

A bit.

I used to just do my voices in the car

and now people are saying that some of them aren't that good.

It's just one of them things, Martin.

It'll blow over, someone else's meltdown video tomorrow.

If you're not happy, you know, you've got to tell Steven.

I know, but he's so into it all.

He wants to make his mum proud.

She's nice, isn't she?

She's really, like, wise.

You only saw her for two minutes when she dropped him off.

I'm a good judge of people, me, Martin.

Except men.

Does she always wear that headscarf?

Don't know, I think so.

You could've borrowed it, it would've been a good disguise.

Shall I take it off?

Yeah.

Ooh, it's like Beatle-mania now, Martin,

we're being crushed.

It's the best thing that could've happened.

We are going to have dinner to celebrate.

Not in public though.

Nope. I've spoken to Neil, he's going to cook.

Oh, God.

Martin, this is good.

It's building our brand and we'll get loads more voice work.

What?

52 missed calls.

This isn't going away, is it?

We need to think about a website.

How do you do it, Martin?

What?

The voices? What's the technique?

Is it something you can just do?

I don't know, really, I've always done it since I was a kid.

Well, my hook to get into Ronnie Corbett,

is, oh, would you believe it!

And then, you know, there's different levels, like you'll go

all the way up here and then he'll go down deep.

You know, like the producer's looking at me now.

I wonder, maybe, it's like...

a bit genetic.

Why?

Can you do it?

I don't like bullshitters, or arse lickers.

You're fired!

Alan Sugar.

Yeah.

That's all right, that, yeah.

You might have something there, son.

My mum's got cancer and she's going to die.

What?

She's been in palliative care for a while now.

Oh, my God.

How old are your kids, Neil?

What? You can tell I've got kids just from looking at my art?

Oh, you did these?

Yeah, when me wife buggered off, I had this surge of creativity.

These are kind of...

A cry for help.

No, more sort of therapy, really.

So, what would you call these?

Well, this is called, "Woman With Outstretched Arms."

Oh, but she's got her arms by her side, though.

No, it's "Woman Without Stretched Arms".

It's the companion piece to "Woman With Stretched Arms."

Right.

Everything's for sale.

I haven't really got any room at home, really.

You not drinking, Dionne?

Nah, I don't really drink.

That's good, in't it? Keeps you skinny.

You all right, Mum?

Yeah.

You seen my art works, Jean?

I was wondering what all that was about, Neil.

Blimey, don't give up the newsagents.

Ha, yeah, it's just silly sketches, really.

OK, can I propose a toast?

Here's to Martin, who is an internet sensation now.

To a new job and a new beginning.

Cheers.

Cheers.

And there is something else.

Martin, do you want to tell them?

No, you do it.

A researcher from a TV show has got in touch,

they want Martin to go on as a guest.

That is amazing, Martin!

Might not.

That's amazing!

She's really chilled, Dionne, isn't she?

Yeah.

She's not well, is she, Martin?

No.

Is that why you think she's got in touch,

cos she's handing Steven over cos she knows she's not going to be here?

I think so, yeah.

How did you know she was ill?

Don't know. I figured it out a while ago.

Poor Dionne.

I know.

Neil's funny, isn't he?

He told me the world was going to end soon.

What?

Oh, can't believe you bought one of his paintings.

Neither can I.

Don't worry about the end of the world, Jean.

You're going to be on telly soon, Martin.

Oh, don't, I might not.

Why, what are you going to do?

Might run away.

Seems like everything's changing.

Yeah.

Don't slip away from me, will you?

Shut up, I won't.

Get on the floor now, Martin.