Original subtitles

Martin, this is mental. How do you do it?

I don't know,

I can just hear things in the way people talk.

You could make money out of this, Martin.

I'll manage you, we can do it together.

I could have been a good dad.

But you always said you wanted to travel.

You had such grand plans for your life.

Did I?

Oh, God.

Hello. Martin Hurdle.

My laptop got drowned in a flood, you were doing data recovery.

You were... making jokes about surfing the web and I fell in.

You were all laughing, remember?

Yeah, I know who you are.

Martin Edward Hurdle.

Well, the good news is we recovered all the data from your hard drive.

Oh, that is great.

There is some bad news, though.

You see, we have to tell the police about certain kinds of data.

What?

Recognise this disgusting image?

Oh, look that's just me.

Well, it may be just you, sir,

but to normal people, it's disgusting.

I've got this, Gary.

No, I mean that baby is me - it's not dodgy, that's a photo of me.

It doesn't look like you.

Well, I was a baby.

Look, my mum emailed me a load of photos,

so I could show my son his family, and that is a picture of me.

He's got kids.

Then why is the baby in such a sexual pose?

I'm not. I'm crawling away from the camera, looking back.

There's a certain playfulness, I'll admit,

but look, you're embarrassing me in front of the whole shop.

Well, that's the least of your problems.

Child porn or terrorism, we report it.

Well, that child grew up to be me, an innocent man being humiliated

in a shop, so in a way, you're hurting that child, cos that's me.

Well...

why don't you tell that to the police? Cos they're here.

Oh, fuck. The police?

OK, sir, but I distinctly heard you say, "Fuck the police."

No, I said "fuck" in alarm, and then "the police", as a question.

Like, "Fuck. The police?" Like, "Really? The police?"

Can you cover his bum up? It's making me feel uncomfortable.

What is that smell of damp?

That's me.

It's amazing, in't it, how water can give life,

but it's also really destructive, eh?

Yeah, if you go out and leave the taps on.

I nearly got arrested because of you.

I can't live down here, it stinks.

Well, you can move upstairs temporarily.

Where are you gonna go? Jesse's penthouse?

Jesse's not got a penthouse - apparently, he lives with his nan.

Oh, right.

And he's not a barrister. It's pronounced barista.

Works in a coffee shop.

Where am I gonna sleep?

In my bed. Top and toe.

I think that's worse.

Yeah. We'll work something out.

I can't help feel a little responsible.

Well, you are! Who else is to blame - gravity?

Ha, ha, yeah.

I love Jean's grand design,

what she's done with the place.

The whole underwater theme is truly original and fresh.

But I can't help being concerned that the damp

might give Martin deadly pneumonia.

People. A lot of laughing.

Yeah.

Jesus, man, it stinks in here.

Ah, you play, Mart?

Uh, a little bit.

Yeah, I play a little bit too.

I used to be in a band called Mind Wide Open.

Yeah, got wet.

It's not meant to sound like that.

Anyway, hurry up, Jean. We're going out, remember? Laters, Marty-pants.

Funny, isn't it?

I leave the bath running for six hours,

and everything just goes tits up.

Six hours?!

You all right, mate? You look awful.

Yeah, I've had a nightmare. My flat got flooded.

What with?

Water.

Global warming?

Nah, bath water. From bloody Jean leaving the bath running.

Have you considered that she was flushing you out, subconsciously?

Like pouring boiling water into an ants' nest.

No.

She's got a fella now, ain't she? Could be a Freudian flood.

The human brain operates on a number of levels, Martin.

I don't think so. She feels terrible. All my stuff is ruined.

You can't live in damp - you'll get mould spores in your lungs

and you will die. You should move in with me.

No way. No, I don't want to put you out.

I could do with the company.

My wife and boy moved out last month,

and it'd be like living with loads of friends with all your voices.

You'll move in tomorrow.

I've got an internet date lined up.

I'll ask her to bring a friend, and we could double-team them.

Double-date them.

Yeah.

Be safer in a pair anyway.

I say we go straight to the lions.

Imagine if all the animals escaped,

it'd be carnage.

Martin. I really like these days out we have.

Our dates.

Yeah, our days out. They're great,

but can we maybe do something a bit more grown-up?

What do you mean?

Well, I know were making up for lost time, but I'm nearly 19...

Adults go ice-skating.

Not in the day-time, that was weird.

OK, what would you like to do?

Play golf?

OK, we can play golf.

Not crazy golf.

Do you want a lolly?

No, thank you.

I'm still pretty full up from all the sweets you bought me.

You all right? You nervous about meeting my parents?

No, I'm looking forward it.

I'm a bit nervous about this voice-over work.

Oh, no, it's cool. It's cool. It's a friend of mine.

And it's just voice-mail messages. 250 quid for a couple of hours' work.

It's good money, isn't it? Cheers, Steven.

There's plenty more where that came from, Martin.

There's money to be made.

Mum?

OK, no, no, just stay there.

No, no, of course not, I'll come. Love you.

Bye. I've got to go, Martin.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, it's just my mum.

Really sorry.

Are you going around the zoo?

No, I'm actually blind, I can't see anything, so...

Oh, sorry.

I often come and sit here. I think it's funny to listen

to the birds and suddenly you hear an elephant in the distance.

Oh, yeah, that is funny, isn't it? What's your name?

I'm Martin.

Della. Hi.

Listen, Della, we've got a very special visitor at the zoo

today, I think he'd like to give you a personal tour.

Oh...

The pigmy hippo,

its Latin name is...

unpronounceable.

Its skin is hairless and sensitive to the sun

but is kept supple and moisturised

by fluid that oozes from glands all over it body.

Can you describe what they look like?

Pigs.

I've never seen a pig.

OK.

OK. You have a neck, don't you?

Well, imagine you had four legs

and your neck was 20 times as long as it is.

And you were patterned,

and well, look, you've touched a horse, haven't you? Mmm.

Well, imagine a horse with an insanely long neck.

I didn't realise all animals were so similar to horses.

Well, if that's your only point of reference,

it's going to keep coming up.

The giant tortoise, erm...

it's like a fat coffee table, with a very old man tucked inside it.

Come on...

He was giving me a tour and then he got a call saying

they'd found a dodo alive in Madagascar. He buggered off.

OK.

He was very nice, but he smelt of damp.

Ah.

Hello.

Come on, get in.

Blimey.

Happier times.

Should we, erm, take that down?

Nah. I decorate around it - they'll be a gap if we take it down,

it'll look weird.

Might be more weird to have it up, really.

If I take it down, feels like an ending. Dunno if I'm ready, Mart.

It's fine. Are you sure you want me to be in this room?

Yeah, can't put you in my son's room - I have him every other weekend.

I'm all right in there. I designed it, it was my dream bedroom

from when I was a kid, so in a way,

I've finally got my dream bedroom, haven't I?

Come on.

Are you gonna fit in that?

I sleep curled up in a little ball, all tight.

Do you?

Yeah, I'm about that big when I'm asleep.

Ah.

This is amazeballs! Bachelor pad, double-date tonight,

bring the dolly birds back for a nightcap.

Couple of right old dolly birds.

Do another one.

Oh, great, I'm the wing man

for somebody who says "dolly birds" and "nightcap"

and I don't even know how to be a wing man.

How YOU doin'?

Joey! Ah, it's all right by me, Miss Jones.

I love having all these people around. This is great, isn't it?

Yeah.

Who needs you, eh, you selfish cow?

Shall we put a towel over that?

Hello, I'm not here at the moment,

but leave a message, and I'll be back.

Aaaargh! Get to the chopper.

Yeah, just keep going, Martin. He's fucking brilliant, isn't he, Steve?

Just a bit closer to the mic, cheers.

So, this is you president speaking,

the person you are trying to reach is currently tied up

in secret service business.

Please leave a message, you incompetent fucks.

Lovely.

Martin, this is great, it's so funny. How do you feel?

Yeah, good, yeah, you're sure it's all right, yeah?

Yeah, everyone's cracking up.

Right, cool, better get these last ones done.

Ooooh. I'm not here.

I'm probably on the other line, I am a chatty man,

leave a message and I'll get back to you. Ooooh.

250 quid for a couple of hours' work though,

and Steve reckons it's just the beginning and all.

That's quality, Mart. Tonight's a celebration then, you're in showbiz.

Make a lot of money, if you don't die from drugs.

There's ketchup there.

Bloody hell, that is massive.

Do you want a hand?

Nope, it's all right.

I get everything from the wholesalers, don't I?

That'll do me for life. Never goes off.

Hmmm. Yeah, could keep it in a cupboard though,

and decant it into a smaller container.

Nah. Far too busy for all that.

How's your food?

All right, yeah.

It's amazing what you can throw together from a newsagent's.

You wouldn't want to eat it every night though, would you?

Nah.

Ah, look at us.

This is quality, innit?

I wonder what Morgan Freeman would say, if he was here now?

Do Morgan Freeman.

Well, I'd like to say Andy was a good man...

You got condoms?

Somewhere in my wash bag, I think.

At home? What if you go back to hers?

I've got spares.

Don't give me them now. What is that?

Carbon monoxide detector.

That bit goes dark if there's carbon monoxide.

Peace of mind, if you go back to their house.

That's really safe sex.

Silent killer innit, without this

I couldn't relax. I wouldn't enjoy making love.

Calm down, Neil, let's just have a drink and get to know them.

I'm sorry, I can't relax. Why did I do double denim?

Naomi! Hello.

Neil.

Hello, my darling. This is Martin Hurdle.

Call me Martin.

Right, do you want a drink?

Great.

Here, Neil, get a bottle of champagne - chilled.

Oooh, lovely.

Well, he lied about his height.

You look nice, Danielle.

Thanks. So do you.

Fucking 60 quid for that.

Right. Let's have a night cap.

Hope you girls like ketchup.

Agh!

Sorry.

Would you be pissed off if I said I lied a bit?

I have got a kid.

I'd be more worried if this was your room,

and you didn't have kids.

Yeah, I've got a son.

Don't worry, he moved out ages ago.

Are you planning on us sleeping in this car bed?

Well, I dunno about sleeping.

What are your thoughts...

on drink driving?

Can I smoke in here?

Yeah, I do.

I'll get you an ashtray.

Here.

Thanks.

Your son's the same age as mine, what school did yours go to?

Erm. I don't know.

Eh?

Oh, it's Neil!

Yeah.

That's me.

You have sex in cars, you have sex in beds, car beds.

I don't have sex in cars, thank you very much.

Can I have my room back, just for tonight, please?

Look, I'm gonna go anyway, Martin.

All right, I'll sleep downstairs.

Yeah, she's not digging the car bed.

Oh, you can fucking take that down an' all!

Mart, you give us a hand please?

Yeah.

I'll see myself out, see you later, Na. Good luck.

I used to love that wallpaper.

Right, so - Mum, Dad, Nan, this is Steven.

Hello.

Hello, Steven.

So, you're 18, Steven, love?

Yeah, yeah.

Born in '94.

Oh, he's young, Martin.

Yeah.

What do you do for work, Steven?

I'm... I work for a digital content development company,

we do Internet stuff, mainly.

Oh, we've got the Internet!

Look, if you're happy, I'm happy.

Don't matter these days, does it?

What you talking about, Mum?

Being gay. It's just nice to know what's been up with you

all these years, Martin.

No, Mum.

Steven's my son, Nan, he's not...

Oh! I thought this was us meeting your boyfriend.

Bloody hell, Margery. Didn't you tell her?

Mum, I told you on the phone.

Steven's his son.

I told her. She doesn't listen. Telly's up so bloody loud.

This is your family, Steven, shall we go now?

Welcome, Steven. Sorry about this lot.

No, no, I think you're all lovely.

I wouldn't care if you was gay. What's it matter?

Jules's boy's gay.

Yeah, he's built like a brick shithouse.

I remember your mum well, Steven.

Dionne had a very grown up head on her shoulders. Didn't she?

Yeah, she did.

Do you like football, Steven?

He never did. He used to play at primary school.

He just used to run up and down the field talking to himself.

Even at halftime.

Yeah, yeah, I was the team captain at my school,

I still play on Saturdays if I'm not golfing.

Golf? Oh, I love golf. This is brilliant.

You're like the son I never had.

Erm, I'm playing golf with him.

Are you?

Yeah, he is.

So, is your mum coloured, Steven?

Ah, there it is.

Erm, yes, my mum is black.

I think I remember her. Oh, she was lovely.

Don't know what she saw in him.

Are you sure she wouldn't be better off in a home?

Oi!

Computing Planet, rescue team.

Hello, are you the chaps that can work wonders

with computation devices?

Yes, sir, what's the problem?

Well, my laptop is behaving in the most peculiar fashion.

I fear it may be on its last legs.

OK, well, bring it into the store and we'll take a look at it.

Ah, well, therein lies the rub, you see. Listen boy,

do you recognise my voice?

Kind of do, yeah.

Fool of a hobbit, Salongosunga, now we must fly to Isengard, yes?

Oh, my God.

I'm Magneto, you mutant, mankind will never learn,

and it makes me sad.

It's you!

Yes, it is I, Sir Ian McKellen, now this device of mine

is a veritable treasure trove, it cannot fall into the wrong hands,

there's early drafts of the Ring movies, there's the Hobbit scripts

and there's the new X-Men scripts, top secret stuff.

I can assure you, your privacy is paramount to us, sir,

if you bring it in, I'll fix it personally.

You fool, I need to know you are for real.

Are you a fan of these aforementioned franchises?

Oh... very much so.

Prove yourself, one ring to rule them all and...

and one ring to find them.

Louder, shout it.

And one ring to find them.

Louder, say the whole thing!

One ring to bind them all, and one ring to find them!

Stand on the desk, take your top off, and say it!

I can see you, I'm nearby. Take your top off, come on.

Stop faffing around, boy. Commit.

Sorry, I'm stuck.

Top off, come on.

I'm not actually allowed to take my top off.

Bell end!

Wanker!

Go! Go!

Sir Ian?