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[Bruce] What about me isn't enough for Lena?

Is it that I sometimes skip leg day?

Is it my veneers?

Is it that gray hair I found?

Is it because I say "to-may-toes,"

and she says "to-mah-toes"?

I mean, is that enough to call the whole thing off?

Ugh! My dude, I'm just here to get you

to sign the time card for Sophia's internship.

[Bruce] What am I even still doing in this city?

What am I even still doing in this city?

I don't need this place. [chomps] I bet without me

that stupid paper's gone up in flames.

- [dramatic music playing] - [Clayface as Perry growling]

- [malicious music playing] - [laughs evilly]

Some might call us a gossip rag.

But I say, "From rags to riches!"

I can't believe we swept the Muckraker awards.

Suck my ass, TMZ.

Quality journalism always floats to the top.

Goldie and Betty went to the American Girl store

in Fawcett City so Bane's getting toe the fuck up.

[Clayface as Perry chuckles] Delicious.

[Bane gagging]

[flapping lips]

Stupid, dumb Daily Planet.

- [laser crackling] - Whoa!

Whoa! What's happening?

[crackling]

[both laughing]

- [Clayface as Perry grunts] - [rumbling]

[rumbling continues]

[both yelling]

[Joker grunts]

[Lois gasping]

Shit. Ow, ow! Hot, hot, hot.

Sweet Cronkite's ghost!

[dramatic music playing]

[lasers zapping]

This has to be the work of...

- ...Lena? - [dramatic music playing]

Huh. Guessing you two broke up then.

[jubilant music playing]

[dramatic music playing]

No. No, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

[young Lex gasps] Ah, you...

You ruined it. You're such an idiot.

A stupid little idiot.

No, I... I can fix it. [gasps] It was an accident.

You were an accident. Mom and Dad always say so.

[sobs] I just wanted to play with Metropolis.

It's my Metropolis,

and you're not allowed near it ever again.

[young Lena gasps]

Hmm. Little higher, Nigel.

And... There we go.

[melancholy music playing]

- [dramatic music playing] - Ooh, I have great lips.

Isn't it something, Brainy?

I mean, I did what you tried to do,

[chuckling] only, way better.

Far more fun lording over a bottled city

when the people aren't frozen.

Please, I beg of you. Kill me.

[chuckles] Oh, sweetie. I wish I could.

But what if I need you?

I am not really a tech gal. That is all you.

Now, where is he?

He was supposed to be transferred

to Stryker's Island, but the automatons

couldn't find him there.

Automatons!

[evilly] Get me my brother.

[Poison Ivy] Lena actually did it.

She bottled the damn city.

You never underestimate

a middle-aged woman with a clear goal.

[Harley grunting, yelling]

Ugh. Oh, no. She's rage-smashing.

- [Harley grunting] - Hey, babe?

Uh, just checking in. How...

- How are you feeling? - [Harley panting]

Must. Kill. Lena!

I... I know. I know I want that too.

But I think you need to check yourself

before you wreck another car.

She murdered Frank!

Basically murdered my dad, tried to murder me,

probably gonna murder everyone in Metropolis,

and she tried to drive a wedge between us

and murder our relationship.

Ah! She tried. She did not succeed, right?

Nothing can break us up, hon.

I mean, can you imagine the meltdown on the Internet

if we did? I mean...

But that's not happening because when we have a problem,

we work through it.

Just promise you will never hold a grudge against me

that you keep inside for decades

till it festers long enough that you bottle up

an entire city for revenge.

I mean, that is an incredibly specific situation.

But sure, yes. I will not do that.

We'll stop Lena, the only way we know how.

- Together. - And me too.

Wow. I really forgot she was here.

You know? Sure.

The classic trio of Harley, Ivy and Sharon.

- Hooray! - Oh, my God.

Okay. We need to find a way onto the Skull Ship,

but Lena destroyed the only teleporter.

Can't we just, like, fly up there?

Okay, first we gotta figure out where it is.

Hmm. A ship like that must have advanced cloaking technology.

We need someone inside to deactivate it.

How the hell did you know that?

You never wanna listen to me. But I know things.

I know youse two were in a relationship rut,

and that's why you moved to Metropolis.

- How did you...? - Holy shit!

And I know, right now, I wish that guy, 24, was real,

- because 24 can do anything. - Immediately unhelpful again.

You're talking about Kiefer Sutherland?

Yeah, yeah. That's who I said. 24!

A real freak, who always knows how to get out of a jam.

[gasps] I know just the freak to call.

[dramatic music playing]

- [people screaming] - [automaton 1] Where is Lex?

Where is Lex?

We need to save the city.

We need to get your signature

- on this internship form. - [Bruce grunting]

Seriously. We're on a deadline here.

- Ugh. Fine. - [automaton 2 crackling]

[automaton 3] Where is Lex?

I have no idea. Let me go.

- That's your signature? - [dentures clattering]

- It's like two scribbly marks. - [automaton 4 crackling]

Can't even see a W.

- [cables crackling] - This is a signature.

[Bruce grunting]

You just drew a clown face.

- [grunts] - Exactly.

- [explosive beeping] - It's fun, hard to replicate

and to the point.

[automaton 5 whirring]

- [dramatic music playing] - Hey, Lois.

[Lois] Uh. [gasps] Oh.

Damn it. My purse is in there.

- [yells] - [Bruce grunts, gasps]

I didn't pee myself. This is soup.

- [automaton 6 whirring] - [Lois] Whoa!

Bruce, the automatons are destroying...

- [Joker grunts] - [Lois] ...everything

and everyone in their path to find Lex.

Of course.

This was about her brother this whole time.

- Not about me. - [Lois gasps]

[angrily] She just hates all men because of Lex.

[chuckles] Whatever gets you through the night, Big Guy.

- [explosion] - Bruce, how do we end this?

Our best bet is to head to Wayne Tower

- for supplies. - [cables crackling]

Oh, good. Then I can hand in this form.

[chuckles] Hey, Lois.

What's your signature look like?

Now that's a John Hancock.

Thanks. I took an autograph class online.

- [Harley] Mom. - [Sharon] I got it.

[Harley] Would you just let me get him? Come on.

[Sharon] I said I got it.

Wow. [chuckles] So this is it. The Batcave.

Batman's secret lair. We're just in it.

[chuckles] Wow. We got a giant penny.

- [Harley and Sharon grunting] - Okay.

Bloodied up Robin suit that smells... [sniffs]

horrific.

A dinosaur animatronic, did not see that coming.

Wait a second. Is that the only fridge in this space?

- Yep. - [Poison Ivy] Oh, my God.

Fits like three sandwiches.

Look, Batman's obsessed with his weight.

He won't keep anything in here that might "tempt" him.

- Huh. - Who's Batman?

Oh, my God, Mom. You don't know who Batman is?

I can't keep up with all your lovers

- and their fetishes. - [keyboard clacking]

It is not a fetish.

He dresses up as a bat in a skintight suit

and wrestles people. And you know what?

Wow, you're right. It is a fetish.

[dramatic music playing]

- [Bruce grunting] - [Lois yells]

Oh, shit.

Shit, shit. No.

[screams]

- Get away! Stop. Stop it. - [Joker grunts]

Harley, what are you doing calling me on my...

- Poison Ivy and I... - And me. Your mother.

...knew Batman had the tech to contact you, Bruce.

- A separate person. - [Bruce grunting]

Uh, right. Of course.

He has a line to contact me because I... pay Batman.

Fucking corporate shill.

[Bruce grunting]

Harley, Lena's willing to destroy the city

in search of Lex.

We need to find him first.

No, we have him.

All this started with a sibling rivalry,

and the only way to end it is a sibling reconciliation.

Hmm. This is why I'm glad my parents paid

to make me an only child.

- Holy shit. - Hi, Sharon here.

Hate to ask, but what happens

once Lex is in the same room as Lena?

Good question? [grunts] What's your plan, Harley?

Not sure. Lex will figure it out.

Yeah... [coughs] Hold... hold up.

Your plan is for Lex to have a plan.

Anyone have a better plan?

[lasers shooting in distance]

Ah, then it's settled.

We're going with my plan for Lex to have a plan.

Once Lex wakes up here, he'll know what to do.

Lex is in the Batcave?

You put a Bat-bag over his head

so he can't see anything, right?

- Yes... - [Lex groans]

Bruce, you gotta turn off the Skull's cloaking device

and then we'll use your rocket to get aboard.

Dude doesn't have a rocket.

I mean, the whole thing is disappointing.

No, but we have something better.

Listen up.

Metropolis Wayne Tower was working on a device for Batman

called the Bat-Radia, that jams electromagnetic signals.

It can depower the Skull Ship's cloaking device.

Is that what Sophia's been working on

in her "summer internship"?

Don't love you using teenagers to make weapons,

but at least she's learning a trade.

Can you just... Can I finish?

[chuckles] Sorry. My b.

[Bruce] Then the Batcomputer can activate

the Wayne satellites' tractor beams

to pull the Skull Ship down to Earth's atmosphere.

I just have to circle back.

You keep the Bat-Radia clipped to your belt?

What, you got your inhaler on there, too?

Ignoring that. And then Harley, Ivy, and Lex

can board the Batplane to reach the Skull Ship.

Hey, actually, I didn't love that inhaler joke.

How about...

What, are you wearing tube socks and sandals too?

[chuckles] Lois. Fantastic punch up.

Thanks. Means a lot coming from you.

- Honestly. - Ugh, can you please...

Uh, Harls? Yoo... Yoo-hoo. He's awake.

Uh, let me call you back, Bruce.

I have to, uh... [clears throat] pee.

- Don't wanna get a UTI. - [keyboard clacking]

So this is the famed Batcave.

I have a penny twice that size, and...

- Wait. Is that the only fridge? - Yes. What is up with that?

You can only fit, like, what?

- Three sandwiches? - Three sandwiches.

- That's what I said. - Hey! we need to focus.

Lex, take a look at Metropolis.

[dramatic music playing]

[gasps]

[people screaming faintly]

Hold up. This is what my baby sister

has done to my city?

Yes, and you've got to stop her.

No, she's dead to me.

After all, who do you think sent me to prison?

- [both] Lois. - ...was her pawn.

Lena leaked the documents. Lois only published the expose.

Holy shit. Well, that puts a real asterisk

on her beloved Pulitzer.

Why do you need me? Shouldn't Superman stop this?

I kinda convinced him to go on sabbatical.

[static crackles]

Hi, it's me, Lena, your new ruler.

Isn't this city so much more fab

now that you're all in a little tiny bottle?

- Anyways... - [Bane grunting]

I'm looking for my brother, but he's nowhere to be found.

And if I can't find him, I'll be so disappointed,

and I get antsy when I'm disappointed.

- [rumbling] - [people screaming]

[Lena laughing evilly]

Okay, toodle-oo for now.

Get me in a room with my baby sister.

I hate Lena, but I love my city more.

I mean, who do you think of when you think of Metropolis?

- Superman? - Okay, but then who?

Um, maybe Lois, or Jimmy?

- Jimmy, get real. - Oh, wait, wait.

What's the guy's name with the cape?

- Cal Something. - Kal-El?

That's Superman, Mom.

- Do you want my help or not? - [Batcomputer beeping]

[Lex grunts]

[grunts] You said you'd call back.

Sorry. Turns out I also had to... shit.

- We're running out of time. - [people screaming]

People are turning on each other.

There's a bunch of... I don't know

what you'd call them.

- Uh, bottle deniers? - [people shouting]

Well, that's what happens when you eliminate

- quality journalism. - [call disconnects]

We gotta get on the ship pronto.

First we have to make a stop.

Oh, I hope it's to grab food.

'Cause I ate those three fridge sandwiches,

- and I'm still starving. - Oh, my God, Mom!

- Sweet shit, Sharon. - Who is she again?

- [dramatic music playing] - [lasers firing]

[Bat-Radia beeping]

The Bat-Radia's Bat-activated.

[laughs] Man, that sounded so dorky.

[chuckling] Yeah.

You're lucky Batman didn't hear you say that.

[beeping continues]

[beams shooting]

[dramatic music playing]

- [ship rumbling] - [glass clanking]

Oh. [gasping]

What in the whole wide world of fuck?

[whooshing]

Monitor says the Skull's reached

Earth's thermosphere. So we should be good.

See, Harley. You wasted all that time getting PhDs,

when you could've been the first female pilot.

Mom there are a ton of female pilots.

Huh, not in any airline I fly.

Oh, my God, Mom. You can't say stuff like that.

What?

[lounge music playing on speakers]

Well... [sighs] Lex.

- Haven't seen you in a bit. - No, no. I... I mean, yeah.

- Yep. - Yep, yep, yep.

[sighs] So, um...

What, uh, pray tell, is in the box?

Well, uh, the box. [chuckling]

The ultimate weapon to take down Lena.

Cool. Cool. Is it, like, a grenade or laser--

- Oh, you'll see. - Okay.

Um, your hair. It's redder than usual.

Oh, my God, that's so funny. No one noticed. [chuckles]

You know, people think that bald men

don't appreciate hair,

but it's all we ever think about.

[dramatic music playing]

[Batplane whirring]

Listen, you stay here.

I'm not losing both my parents this week.

Okay.

Hey, will you see if they have any decaf green tea?

Mom, mom, mom!

Okay, it could be caffeinated, sheesh.

What the fu... Ugh.

It's you two.

Shouldn't you be dead?

Ugh. Just grab your stupid plant

and leave me alone.

Her name is Frankette, and we'll take her

right after you're dead.

It's time to stop this shit, Lena.

Stop? Stop. [laughing]

- Nothing can stop me, honey. - [energy warbling]

- [dramatic music playing] - [both gasp]

[Lena gasps]

Hello, little baby sister.

[man yells]

Okay. I've waited long enough for someone

to be the voice of reason,

but clearly I've got to step the fuck up.

Lois, call Superman.

What? You don't trust Harley?

Oh. [chuckles] Oh, yeah. I'm sure her gymnastics skills

and her short shorts will save us all.

Come on!

I think our odds will be significantly up

if we had a guy with the powers of a God.

Wouldn't you rather have, you know, maybe,

Batman come save us?

- [Lois chuckles] - Batman?

The hell is Batman gonna do in space?

Take down a rocket with a Batarang?

Who's even seen Batman lately?

Maybe he's on a personal quest to cultivate balance

with a life and happiness outside his career for once.

Lois! Call your boyfriend.

Oh! Oh, you're saying you want little old Lois

to get her big, strong boyfriend

to save us all?

Jesus Christ.

Yes!

Well, I don't know where he is, okay?

When he went on sabbatical, so did we.

I was just so sick of always needing him.

He left me this watch I can press

when I'm ready to talk.

It sends out a signal that'll have him here in seconds.

But, you know, I don't think I'm quite there yet.

You asshole! I said I wasn't there yet.

[grand music playing]

Huh. He, uh, should've been here by now.

[chuckling] Hmm.

My communicator isn't working either.

Okay, when this is all over,

I'm seeing Clock King about upping my watch game.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. We're screwed.

How am I gonna get to Superman?

A minute ago, you said you didn't want to need him.

That was when I knew I could get him.

Now that I can't get him, I need him.

Ugh, you and your messy relationships.

Me and my SO, we're like this.

- Shut the fuck up, Joker. - Jesus.

Bruce, you must have something that would work.

Let's go into your Tower, and... and see what you got.

- [Bat-Radia beeping] - Uh-oh.

- [beeping faster] - Get down!

So I might have left out that there is this glitch

with the Bat-Radia where it might possibly

overpower all electronics in the radius

- and blow them out. - What?

That's a pretty damning glitch, Bruce.

Don't blame me.

Blame the 16-year-old who made it.

Hey, that's my daughter.

We've lost all communication in Metropolis.

We're in the Dark Ages.

The Dark Ages...

I know exactly where we have to go.

[menacing music playing]

I've been looking for you.

Uh, what do you think? Pretty impressive, huh?

Mmm-hmm. It looks just like it.

Like what?

- This. - [Lena gasps]

The hell is that?

That's the ultimate weapon to take Lena down?

A fucking model train?

- Right? - Excellent.

You don't want to rule Metropolis.

What you want is to play with my toys,

just like you were never allowed to do

when we were kids.

[Lena gasps]

[sentimental music playing]

[music fades out]

- [dramatic music playing] - [Lena laughing]

You think that's what it's about?

I don't wanna play with your toys.

I want to destroy them. Like you always destroyed me,

making me feel lesser.

an afterthought in the great name of Luthors

when I should've been the only thought.

[breaths deeply]

You've always lorded over me Lex.

- Time for me to lord over you. - [Hyper-Ray activating]

Lena, what are you doing?

- Calm down. Lena. - Oh, shit, shit, shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

- Oh, fuck! - [Lex] Lena, please.

[Harley gasps]

So what happens next?

Uh, you mean with you two?

No. Well, yes, but you shrink Lex and lord over him.

- Then what? - Well...

Then, I'm a God.

'Cause that worked out for this guy over here, huh?

- [Brainiac] I... - [Harley] Fucking a bunch...

- of dead monkey bones. - [Brainiac] ...Want. To. Die.

[Lena] Ugh.

[dramatic music playing]

[Jimmy screams, gasps]

[automaton 7] Where is Lex?

[Jimmy screams]

Perchance instead of Lex, I offer you a monologue.

Now is the winter of our discontent--

- [automaton 7 whirring] - [Clayface as Perry yells]

What if I gave up Bane?

You are a Judas!

[both grunt, gasp]

[grunts] Ow! Shit. That hurt.

You guys just do that normally?

Lois! How dare you step foot in here after you disgraced

these hallowed halls by quitting?

Morse code machines.

I used them once when I wanted to send, um, certain messages

to, um, to Superman.

- On company time? - Nobody's talking to you, man.

The tech's so ancient,

the blast shouldn't have destroyed it,

and the ship won't detect it.

But Superman could hear the transmissions.

[chuckles] That is some old-school sexting.

- Big ups. - Respect, Miss Lane.

I'll take this in the other room.

[chuckling] Dot, dot, dash.

See, Lena? What's the point in being a God

if you have no one to share it with?

Wait, you want me to share with this asshole

who wouldn't even share his toys with me?

Oh, get over yourself.

You know how kids are who go bald at seven.

Lex, why didn't you want to share with Lena?

Ooh, you're so good, babe.

Oh, please. My one rule was she couldn't touch my trains.

Lex, why didn't you wanna share with Lena?

This is asinine. I'm not gonna--

Why didn't you wanna share with Lena?

- People liked her, okay? - [Lena gasps]

They were drawn to you, your charm, your sense of ease.

I never had that. I had to make people respect me.

But you... People just liked you.

So I had to drag you down.

Lena, how does it feel hearing your brother say that?

Uh, it... [sighs] It makes me sad.

- Holy shit! - Why?

Because we... We just wasted so much time.

I mean, who knows what we could have done

if... if we were a team.

We'd have a lot more than just Metropolis.

[sentimental music playing]

Wow, we are a very good therapist.

Fuck Metropolis. Harley's right.

Exactly.

- Lex, we should work together. - Say what now?

To take over the fucking universe.

[gasps] Fuck.

[Brainiac gasps] Huh?

We, uh, might be too good of a therapist.

Uh, okay. Let's maybe circle back to--

[Harley and Poison Ivy grunt]

[Lex] It's your party, sis.

What would you like to do with them?

I mean, taking over the universe is

such a big idea. I just thought, maybe,

we would start small.

[chuckling] Clever turn of phrase.

Wherever did you learn to speak like that?

I suppose I went fishing in the deep end

of the Luthor gene pool.

[both chuckling]

Can you believe they're talking like this?

It's weird, right?

Like, do you think they're gonna, like, fuck?

- Why don't you do the honors? - I have a better idea.

- Let's do it together. - [Hyper-Ray cocks]

[Hyper-Ray activating]

Hey, youse got a can in this joint?

If I don't take a piss soon I'm gonna get a UTI.

[yells]

[all panting]

- [Harley yelps] - Misery needs company.

You asshole!

You psychotic monster!

Uh, I just pissed on myself.

Nothing left to do but wait.

Shouldn't be long, though. [clears throat]

[sighs] You want some?

Mmm. A moment on the lips, forever on the hips.

You know, men can have eating disorders, too.

It's a real issue in the superhero community.

I was working on an article about it

before Perry threw it out and changed the paper.

Then maybe it's time to change the paper again

by making you editor-in-chief of the Daily Planet.

- If that's what you want. - Really? How would you do that?

It's funny. I just remembered

I bought this newspaper a few years ago.

- The whole paper? - It's like a reflex with me.

[Poison Ivy] Oh, God. We're gonna die in here.

- I can't die in here. - [Harley grunting]

Eh, there are worse ways to go.

Really, Sharon? Than starving to death,

shrunk inside a bottle, on a spaceship? Pray tell.

Look on the bright side. At least it's a fun obituary.

- [Harley grunting] - [tense music playing]

You started all this, snap out of it

- and figure out how to save us. - [Brainiac] Hmm?

[Harley sobbing]

- Harley. - This is all my fault.

[sobbing] I'm the one who wanted us

to move to Metropolis, and if we hadn't,

Lena would've... Wouldn't have succeeded,

and we'd still be eating food in bed

back in Gotham.

No, sweetie.

Lena was gonna do this with or without you.

But she's not gonna get away with it, right?

This isn't over yet.

I just wanted things to be perfect.

[sighs] Me too.

[Morse clicking, beeping]

[Lois] I need you.

[somber music playing]

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