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1
00:00:04,830 --> 00:00:06,330
Aw, Dan.
2
00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:09,210
You have an eyelash.
Make a wish.
3
00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:12,170
Kill me.
4
00:00:13,340 --> 00:00:16,590
Is it me or does Dan seem
grumpier than usual?
5
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:18,180
You should've heard
what he said
6
00:00:18,180 --> 00:00:20,640
when we saw
a shooting star.
7
00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:22,770
Ohh!
8
00:00:22,770 --> 00:00:26,770
I can't carry that darkness.
I have children.
9
00:00:27,940 --> 00:00:29,440
He's just upset
about his memoirs.
10
00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:31,610
It's been rejected
by every publisher in town.
11
00:00:31,610 --> 00:00:34,700
Yeah. His agent is
so tired of giving him bad news.
12
00:00:34,700 --> 00:00:36,610
I heard he's gonna quit.
- Who's his agent?
13
00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:37,950
Me.
14
00:00:37,950 --> 00:00:40,450
Oh. Sorry.
15
00:00:40,450 --> 00:00:42,000
Oh, I got to take this.
16
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:43,620
Give me good news, Bobby.
17
00:00:43,620 --> 00:00:47,380
You thought Dan's
book was incredible?
18
00:00:48,210 --> 00:00:50,000
...ly bad.
19
00:00:51,210 --> 00:00:53,880
Don't worry.
It's-- It's not about you.
20
00:00:55,090 --> 00:00:57,340
Right. Someone else's misery
will cheer Dan up.
21
00:00:57,340 --> 00:00:59,890
Any chance the next case
is someone attacked
22
00:00:59,890 --> 00:01:01,600
by their own chimp?
23
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:06,100
No, but it's a good one--
the people versus Llewelyn Sims.
24
00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:08,610
Mr. Sims is charged
with public indecency.
25
00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:10,980
He was reading a pornographic
novel on the subway.
26
00:01:10,980 --> 00:01:12,150
Come on, man.
27
00:01:12,150 --> 00:01:14,530
It's not
the Staten Island ferry.
28
00:01:15,910 --> 00:01:18,160
But reading pornography
isn't a crime.
29
00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:20,530
It is when you do it out loud.
30
00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:23,870
This is what people
want to read,
31
00:01:23,870 --> 00:01:26,830
pool boys and housewives
slapping together?
32
00:01:26,830 --> 00:01:30,080
You know, I could put that
in my book.
33
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:33,590
Is the counselor interested
in maybe doing some defending?
34
00:01:34,420 --> 00:01:36,130
Fine.
35
00:01:36,130 --> 00:01:38,720
My client is not
a run-of-the-mill perv.
36
00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:40,930
He was reading this smut
to a friend
37
00:01:40,930 --> 00:01:42,680
who has a visual impairment.
38
00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:45,310
And it is with
the deepest regret
39
00:01:45,310 --> 00:01:48,270
that the defense calls
Sy Hoffman.
40
00:01:48,270 --> 00:01:50,230
That's right!
41
00:01:51,690 --> 00:01:54,490
Applause, applause, applause.
42
00:01:55,530 --> 00:01:57,240
I'm back, Your Honor!
43
00:01:57,240 --> 00:02:00,120
- I'm over here, Mr. Hoffman.
- Who said that?
44
00:02:00,910 --> 00:02:03,200
I'm sorry.
I just had my eyes dilated.
45
00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:06,910
I'm at risk for glaucoma,
which inspired my new musical,
46
00:02:06,910 --> 00:02:09,040
"Glaucoma!"--
exclamation point.
47
00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:10,580
♪ Glaucoma ♪
48
00:02:10,580 --> 00:02:14,300
♪ When the pressure's
right behind your eyes ♪
49
00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:17,720
And the defendant was reading
you pornography because...
50
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:21,510
Because I'm always on the
lookout for a new story to tell.
51
00:02:21,510 --> 00:02:23,560
Ah. Yes.
52
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,640
A lot of great musicals
were based on porn.
53
00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:29,060
You know, "Grease"
was originally titled "Lube."
54
00:02:29,060 --> 00:02:30,400
- Is that true?
- No.
55
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:32,150
Who said that?
56
00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:40,280
{\an8}Dan, I've been looking
everywhere for you.
57
00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:42,070
{\an8}Yeah.
Well, keep looking.
58
00:02:42,070 --> 00:02:44,120
{\an8}I think I'm in the bathroom
on the fifth floor.
59
00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:47,290
{\an8}So, you know how no one
saw value in your life story?
60
00:02:47,290 --> 00:02:49,000
{\an8}Yes.
61
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:51,830
{\an8}But it's nice to be reminded.
62
00:02:52,330 --> 00:02:55,420
{\an8}I found someone who thinks
audiences will love it.
63
00:02:55,420 --> 00:02:56,960
{\an8}Hello.
64
00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:00,930
{\an8}Please tell me the person
interested in my memoirs
65
00:03:00,930 --> 00:03:04,010
{\an8}is standing behind
this unethical blowfish.
66
00:03:05,100 --> 00:03:07,140
{\an8}Dan, I love your book.
67
00:03:07,140 --> 00:03:08,770
{\an8}You read it?
I thought your eyes didn't work.
68
00:03:08,770 --> 00:03:11,640
{\an8}Well, it was a little blurry,
but I got the gist.
69
00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:15,020
{\an8}And I think it'll make
an incredible musical.
70
00:03:15,020 --> 00:03:16,440
{\an8}Isn't that great?
71
00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:18,780
{\an8}Now your story can be performed
every night.
72
00:03:18,780 --> 00:03:20,280
{\an8}You'll get applause, Dan.
73
00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:22,320
{\an8}You can't clap
when you're reading a book.
74
00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:23,530
{\an8}You'd drop it.
75
00:03:24,780 --> 00:03:27,450
{\an8}For music and lyrics,
I got Hudson Ann Martin.
76
00:03:27,450 --> 00:03:29,410
{\an8}Wow, Dan!
Hudson and Martin!
77
00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:31,460
{\an8}I wish I could get
Hudson and Martin.
78
00:03:31,460 --> 00:03:35,250
{\an8}I got Hudson Ann Martin--
middle name Ann.
79
00:03:36,380 --> 00:03:40,210
{\an8}He's not as good, but he's
my close personal nephew.
80
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:43,220
{\an8}The only Hudson I'm gonna be
working with is the river,
81
00:03:43,220 --> 00:03:46,140
{\an8}when I jump in it
with bricks tied to my feet!
82
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:51,310
{\an8}I tried that, Dan!
Bricks never stay on!
83
00:03:51,310 --> 00:03:54,440
{\an8}I've been cursed with buoyancy.
84
00:03:57,150 --> 00:04:00,030
{\an8}Ugh. I think the coffee creamer
is expired.
85
00:04:00,030 --> 00:04:02,990
{\an8}Ah. Yeah.
Your girls are getting big.
86
00:04:05,070 --> 00:04:06,870
{\an8}You're not listening to me
at all.
87
00:04:06,870 --> 00:04:08,330
{\an8}Mm-hmm.
Sure.
88
00:04:08,330 --> 00:04:11,040
{\an8}Electric cars.
Crazy.
89
00:04:12,460 --> 00:04:14,960
{\an8}- What's going on?
- We used to date.
90
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,750
{\an8}What? You and him?
Him and you? Biblically?
91
00:04:17,750 --> 00:04:21,130
{\an8}Nothing we did could be found
in any Bible.
92
00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:24,010
Sy Hoffman.
93
00:04:24,010 --> 00:04:26,600
That man is a sexual dynamo.
94
00:04:27,850 --> 00:04:30,100
Wait. What?
95
00:04:30,100 --> 00:04:31,980
You see the way he attacks
that sandwich?
96
00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:39,110
He approaches all of his
endeavors with the same gusto.
97
00:04:39,110 --> 00:04:41,190
Did he just swallow
the toothpick?
98
00:04:41,190 --> 00:04:42,990
Uh-oh.
99
00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:45,610
I-I can't get involved
with him again.
100
00:04:45,610 --> 00:04:47,870
He'll just chew me up
and spit me out
101
00:04:47,870 --> 00:04:49,330
like that piece of sandwich foil
102
00:04:49,330 --> 00:04:51,120
that he just fished out
of his mouth.
103
00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:52,830
Ugh.
104
00:04:52,830 --> 00:04:56,210
Maybe I can help.
Yeah. It'll be good practice.
105
00:04:56,210 --> 00:04:57,790
My girls are starting
to like boys,
106
00:04:57,790 --> 00:05:00,000
so I need to learn
how to ruin a vibe real quick.
107
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,260
Oh.
Thank you, Wyatt.
108
00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:04,670
Now he's using his sleeve
as a napkin.
109
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:06,340
Ah!
110
00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:07,680
Okay.
This is too hot.
111
00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:10,510
I got to go and cool off
in the morgue.
112
00:05:12,180 --> 00:05:13,640
Yeah, I got your text.
113
00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:16,730
There's no way I'm doing
casual Friday. Okay--
114
00:05:16,730 --> 00:05:18,980
What's everybody doing here?
- Don't worry, Dan.
115
00:05:18,980 --> 00:05:20,570
No one wants to see you
in Crocs.
116
00:05:20,570 --> 00:05:23,400
We're here because we think
this musical with Sy
117
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,860
could be just the thing
to get you out of your funk.
118
00:05:25,860 --> 00:05:28,030
Even me, the cool one.
119
00:05:28,030 --> 00:05:30,580
This isn't an intervention?
120
00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:33,660
Well, I-I guess this list
of all the ways you've failed me
121
00:05:33,660 --> 00:05:35,500
can wait.
122
00:05:35,500 --> 00:05:38,250
Okay. Everyone but Julianne
thinks working on this show
123
00:05:38,250 --> 00:05:43,050
could turn that frown
of yours... into a neutral face.
124
00:05:44,260 --> 00:05:46,260
You're asking me to trust
Sy Hoffman.
125
00:05:46,260 --> 00:05:48,090
The man is a sellout.
126
00:05:48,090 --> 00:05:53,310
Do you know he put five Shreks
in his production of "Hamlet"?
127
00:05:54,180 --> 00:05:56,270
And that's just "Hamlet."
This is my story.
128
00:05:56,270 --> 00:05:58,020
This matters!
129
00:05:58,020 --> 00:05:59,690
I totally hear you.
130
00:05:59,690 --> 00:06:02,270
Which is why you should ask
for full creative control.
131
00:06:02,270 --> 00:06:03,820
Like Lin-Manuel Miranda
132
00:06:03,820 --> 00:06:06,400
or baristas when they write
your name on a cup.
133
00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:09,200
And we'll be with you
the whole time.
134
00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:11,410
I know everything
there is to know about Broadway.
135
00:06:11,410 --> 00:06:14,200
Flobert does the choreography
for his barbershop quartet.
136
00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,200
It's mostly taking off hats
and leaning.
137
00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:19,290
But that's not my limitation.
It's theirs.
138
00:06:19,790 --> 00:06:23,500
"Full creative control"
has a nice ring to it.
139
00:06:23,500 --> 00:06:25,630
People bring me their ideas,
full of hope,
140
00:06:25,630 --> 00:06:29,380
and I crush them
with a withering glance.
141
00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:33,430
Yeah, that feels good.
142
00:06:33,430 --> 00:06:35,260
I've already spoken to Sy,
143
00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:37,980
and he's on board for Dan
being fully in charge.
144
00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:39,310
Fine.
I'll do it.
145
00:06:39,310 --> 00:06:41,310
Hey.
But no comp tickets!
146
00:06:41,310 --> 00:06:44,400
You want to see the show,
you pay!
147
00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,900
The only catch is we need to
come up with our opening number
148
00:06:46,900 --> 00:06:48,320
to show investors in three days.
149
00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:49,990
And now I'll leave
before that sinks in.
150
00:06:49,990 --> 00:06:54,240
Uh, well, Dan, looks like
we better get to work.
151
00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:57,580
So, what is your memoir about?
152
00:07:00,370 --> 00:07:01,710
You're my agent.
153
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,340
And then-- then here's
the big finish, all right?
154
00:07:09,340 --> 00:07:11,510
So then Dan--
Dan picks up the Constitution,
155
00:07:11,510 --> 00:07:13,180
wipes the ash from his face,
156
00:07:13,180 --> 00:07:15,930
and the Constitution says,
"Thank you, Dan.
157
00:07:15,930 --> 00:07:18,520
I could have never done this
without you!"
158
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:21,350
And then Dan says,
"No, Constitution."
159
00:07:21,350 --> 00:07:23,940
"Thank you."
160
00:07:25,570 --> 00:07:27,190
Ohh!
161
00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:30,700
What else you got?
162
00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:33,530
Come on, Dan.
You've hated everything--
163
00:07:33,530 --> 00:07:36,700
the costumes, the actors.
- You hated all my ideas.
164
00:07:36,700 --> 00:07:38,830
You just kept saying
the show needs more "zazz."
165
00:07:38,830 --> 00:07:41,460
Well, you're crazy
if you think it doesn't.
166
00:07:42,170 --> 00:07:43,830
You made Martin cry.
167
00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:45,960
That's probably why Hudson
hasn't shown up.
168
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:48,000
I'm one person.
169
00:07:48,010 --> 00:07:49,630
Well, you cry enough for two.
170
00:07:53,220 --> 00:07:55,470
You hens done cluckin'?
171
00:07:57,510 --> 00:08:00,020
'Cause this rooster's
about to make the sun come up.
172
00:08:01,020 --> 00:08:04,650
I can tell you what this show is
in one word.
173
00:08:04,650 --> 00:08:05,940
Dan.
174
00:08:08,730 --> 00:08:11,530
Can you maybe give us
a few more words?
175
00:08:11,530 --> 00:08:13,450
For me, the moment
that best captures
176
00:08:13,450 --> 00:08:15,030
the Dan vibe we're all loving
177
00:08:15,030 --> 00:08:16,740
is the day you won
your first case.
178
00:08:16,740 --> 00:08:20,290
Ah, yes. Page 823.
179
00:08:20,290 --> 00:08:22,290
I can see it now.
180
00:08:22,290 --> 00:08:24,620
Young Dan comes to town,
181
00:08:24,630 --> 00:08:27,080
the big man from the Big Easy.
in the Big Apple
182
00:08:27,090 --> 00:08:31,090
with nothing but a dream and
a bindle full of gator jerky.
183
00:08:32,260 --> 00:08:37,220
♪ I was a boy from the bayou ♪
184
00:08:37,220 --> 00:08:39,680
Now we're talkin' zazz!
185
00:08:42,850 --> 00:08:44,350
Pro tip--
186
00:08:44,350 --> 00:08:46,440
When the cashier sees
the soda cup,
187
00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:48,480
she just presses $1.50.
188
00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:51,940
She never asks what's in it.
189
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:56,700
Why don't you put that down
190
00:08:56,700 --> 00:08:59,450
and we'll have each other
for lunch?
191
00:08:59,450 --> 00:09:03,250
Why don't I eat first and then
you and I can be dessert?
192
00:09:04,540 --> 00:09:06,710
- So you remember me.
- Nope.
193
00:09:08,540 --> 00:09:10,920
Julianne.
There you are.
194
00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:14,840
I lost track of you after you
locked me in the elevator.
195
00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:16,510
It's no use, Wyatt.
196
00:09:16,510 --> 00:09:19,180
It's only a matter of time
before I'm wearing that man
197
00:09:19,180 --> 00:09:21,640
like a weighted blanket.
198
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:26,230
Okay.
Stop looking at him.
199
00:09:26,230 --> 00:09:28,100
Is this whole thing Dan's book?
200
00:09:28,110 --> 00:09:30,440
I've been carrying it around,
hoping to pass it to someone
201
00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:32,480
like an ancient curse.
- Ugh!
202
00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:34,740
It's pompous.
It's self-indulgent.
203
00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:37,990
It's a turn-off
in every possible way.
204
00:09:37,990 --> 00:09:39,450
It...
205
00:09:39,450 --> 00:09:43,120
- Oh.
- This is just
the distraction I need.
206
00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:45,580
Oh, thank you, Wyatt.
207
00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:53,460
I'm glad I caught you.
208
00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:56,170
Caught me doing what?
This is root beer.
209
00:09:56,170 --> 00:09:59,090
Sy, you are going to love
what we came up with.
210
00:09:59,090 --> 00:10:00,680
The Tonys are already knockin'.
211
00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:03,100
To be clear, the Tonys
are two cafeteria workers
212
00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:04,220
who love to sing.
213
00:10:04,220 --> 00:10:06,430
But shows we're getting buzz!
214
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,690
I can't wait to see it.
215
00:10:08,690 --> 00:10:11,110
One thought.
Get rid of all of it.
216
00:10:11,940 --> 00:10:13,690
This show isn't about Dan
anymore.
217
00:10:13,690 --> 00:10:15,740
It's about you.
- Me?
218
00:10:15,740 --> 00:10:17,740
Sy, the whole reason
we're doing this thing
219
00:10:17,740 --> 00:10:19,700
is to give Dan a chance
to tell his story.
220
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:22,330
Well, that was before I found
out that my biggest investor
221
00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:24,330
has a tiny blond granddaughter.
222
00:10:24,330 --> 00:10:27,580
Awful kid.
The voice of a beluga whale.
223
00:10:27,580 --> 00:10:29,870
But she wants to play the lead,
224
00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:33,340
so I said yes
before the end of the sentence.
225
00:10:33,340 --> 00:10:35,380
But she sings
like a beluga whale!
226
00:10:35,380 --> 00:10:38,630
Hey! That's our star
you're talking about!
227
00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:41,180
Look.
Let me make this plain.
228
00:10:41,180 --> 00:10:44,430
You don't get Dan on board
with this new direction,
229
00:10:44,430 --> 00:10:47,140
this musical goes away.
230
00:10:47,140 --> 00:10:48,890
Ball's in your court.
231
00:10:48,890 --> 00:10:51,100
Ooh! That could be
your opening number.
232
00:10:51,100 --> 00:10:52,400
♪ Ball's in your court ♪
233
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,070
♪ I'm blond, and I'm short ♪
234
00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:57,530
♪ I have a little hammer
that goes bam, bam, bam! ♪
235
00:10:58,610 --> 00:11:00,110
Well, you get it.
236
00:11:02,660 --> 00:11:05,660
God, I hate how much
I love that.
237
00:11:09,750 --> 00:11:11,250
Why were you brawling?
238
00:11:11,250 --> 00:11:13,040
You are the New York
Gay Men's Choir.
239
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:16,090
You took an oath
to put song above all else.
240
00:11:16,090 --> 00:11:18,170
It's not my fault, Your Honor.
241
00:11:18,170 --> 00:11:19,720
When I'm... ♪ Up here ♪
242
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:21,970
...he's supposed to be...
♪ Down here ♪
243
00:11:21,970 --> 00:11:25,390
But instead he was...
♪ Over here ♪
244
00:11:25,390 --> 00:11:27,100
Where's that?
I don't even know.
245
00:11:27,100 --> 00:11:28,520
Oh, yeah, tough guy?
246
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,350
Why don't you sing it
to my face?
247
00:11:30,350 --> 00:11:31,600
Oh! Oh!
No, you don't--
248
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,100
No! Stop! Stop!
Listen.
249
00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:35,400
You guys don't want to end up
at Rikers.
250
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:38,190
The acoustics there
are terrible.
251
00:11:38,190 --> 00:11:39,860
The Spring Sing is coming up,
252
00:11:39,860 --> 00:11:42,360
and I refuse to listen to
a chorus full of straights.
253
00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:44,620
Okay.
254
00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:46,660
Let's cool down
with a night in holding.
255
00:11:46,660 --> 00:11:48,120
Yeah, that's in the basement.
256
00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:51,790
♪ Which is down there ♪
257
00:11:51,790 --> 00:11:54,130
And a-five, six, seven, eight.
258
00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:57,630
That's how many people
you'll be sharing a cell with.
259
00:11:59,210 --> 00:12:02,630
Hey.
I want to talk about the show.
260
00:12:02,630 --> 00:12:04,340
Sorry.
W-Who's your friend?
261
00:12:04,340 --> 00:12:06,300
Oh, this is Broadway's
Roland Kincaid.
262
00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:08,470
I've cast him as Dan.
263
00:12:08,470 --> 00:12:10,640
I'm shadowing him
to capture his essence.
264
00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:13,730
Oh. Right.
Like that's possible.
265
00:12:14,270 --> 00:12:17,610
Well, Dan, fake Dan, I love
that you're getting into this.
266
00:12:17,610 --> 00:12:20,230
But here's an idea
just coming to me now.
267
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,570
What if we keep the great themes
from the book
268
00:12:23,570 --> 00:12:26,660
but shift the focus a bit to...
I don't know.
269
00:12:26,660 --> 00:12:29,990
Let's say a... female judge.
270
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,830
Oh, yes.
The great themes.
271
00:12:31,830 --> 00:12:36,000
Because after all,
that's what's really important.
272
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:39,550
Even more so than who the show
is actually about.
273
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:41,670
Exactly.
So we're on the same page.
274
00:12:41,670 --> 00:12:43,340
Oh, yes.
The same page.
275
00:12:43,340 --> 00:12:46,090
The page of betrayal!
276
00:12:47,390 --> 00:12:50,220
You're trying to steal my show!
- I'm not trying to steal it.
277
00:12:50,220 --> 00:12:51,560
I'm trying to save it.
278
00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:53,180
Sy says the show's off
279
00:12:53,190 --> 00:12:55,350
if his investor's granddaughter
doesn't get the lead.
280
00:12:55,350 --> 00:12:58,730
Oh, y-- Oh, no. No, no.
281
00:12:58,730 --> 00:13:00,650
I'll handle this.
282
00:13:00,650 --> 00:13:03,650
I was promised
complete creative control.
283
00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:07,200
If that is no longer the case,
I'm out.
284
00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:10,120
Roland, let's go.
285
00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:13,410
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
286
00:13:13,410 --> 00:13:16,370
- ♪ Drama ♪
- ♪ Drama ♪
287
00:13:16,370 --> 00:13:18,830
That was beautiful.
Okay.
288
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:21,130
We should really get
you gentlemen to jail.
289
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,420
What are you doing here?
290
00:13:25,430 --> 00:13:29,890
Shouldn't you be strapping into
a dance belt and vocalizing?
291
00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:32,430
The show is off.
292
00:13:32,430 --> 00:13:34,560
Uh, theater is dead anyway.
293
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:36,390
You know,
I've decided to make a pivot
294
00:13:36,390 --> 00:13:40,820
and turn my magnum opus
into a series of TokTiks.
295
00:13:41,650 --> 00:13:43,900
Well, that's a shame.
296
00:13:43,900 --> 00:13:46,150
You know, I read your book,
and, um...
297
00:13:46,150 --> 00:13:49,030
Well, it was better
than I expected. Yeah.
298
00:13:49,030 --> 00:13:52,740
Did you really do an unassisted
appendectomy in an igloo?
299
00:13:52,740 --> 00:13:54,580
Yeah.
But just the one.
300
00:13:54,580 --> 00:13:56,080
Oh.
301
00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:59,250
The ending didn't really work
for me, then.
302
00:13:59,250 --> 00:14:01,210
Oh, the part where I met
the love of my life
303
00:14:01,210 --> 00:14:03,380
wasn't a satisfactory
conclusion?
304
00:14:03,380 --> 00:14:07,680
Sorry I didn't marry a Gone Girl
with a dragon tattoo.
305
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,010
No.
But that's just it.
306
00:14:09,010 --> 00:14:10,890
It didn't feel like
a conclusion.
307
00:14:10,890 --> 00:14:13,640
It felt like the beginning
of your third act.
308
00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:15,140
You come out of retirement,
309
00:14:15,140 --> 00:14:17,690
you team up
with your old friend's daughter,
310
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,350
and you become the kind of man
311
00:14:19,350 --> 00:14:23,230
whose friends put on a musical
about his dumb life.
312
00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:27,740
You know, you throw in a scene
where you save the Constitution,
313
00:14:27,740 --> 00:14:29,700
and I think you've got
a bestseller.
314
00:14:29,700 --> 00:14:31,200
- Murray got to you.
- Yeah.
315
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:34,490
He gave me the whole
sweaty pitch.
316
00:14:34,490 --> 00:14:36,500
Hey, Dan.
I'm sorry about Sy.
317
00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:38,790
Oh! You said his name.
Great.
318
00:14:38,790 --> 00:14:41,250
Now I have to read
your stupid book again.
319
00:14:42,920 --> 00:14:44,960
Listen. I think we could still
get your show made.
320
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:47,590
You know how many NYU
students will work for nothing
321
00:14:47,590 --> 00:14:49,340
if we promise it'll upset
their parents?
322
00:14:49,340 --> 00:14:52,640
You know, you tell Sy
the showcase is back on.
323
00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:54,930
So you'll do Sy's version
of the show?
324
00:14:54,930 --> 00:14:57,430
No. I've got a much better idea
than that.
325
00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:59,140
But we will not tell him.
326
00:14:59,140 --> 00:15:02,560
Oh. Also, we will not tell him
that we're going to Chili's
327
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:04,150
after the performance.
328
00:15:07,820 --> 00:15:09,740
How are ya?
How are ya?
329
00:15:09,740 --> 00:15:12,820
Good to see ya.
Beautiful night for a showcase!
330
00:15:12,820 --> 00:15:14,240
Thank you for making my changes.
331
00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:16,290
These things happen
in the theater.
332
00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:19,200
"Annie" was originally
about this leggy broad
333
00:15:19,210 --> 00:15:20,620
named Miss Hannigan,
334
00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:24,340
and her big number
was called "Today"!
335
00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:26,000
You know, it is remarkable
336
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,970
how literally nothing you say
is true.
337
00:15:29,670 --> 00:15:31,010
So, is everyone here?
338
00:15:31,010 --> 00:15:33,180
No, no, no. I'm waiting
for my biggest investor.
339
00:15:33,180 --> 00:15:36,600
And there she is!
Hello, gorgeous!
340
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:38,850
Ow.
341
00:15:38,850 --> 00:15:40,390
Sy, I am furious!
342
00:15:40,390 --> 00:15:43,900
I don't care how good you were
in the sack.
343
00:15:44,730 --> 00:15:47,020
Could be many things.
344
00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:51,320
Listen. What were you told
and/or what'd you find out?
345
00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:54,910
Well, you said my granddaughter
was gonna be the lead,
346
00:15:54,910 --> 00:15:59,500
but now I'm being told
that the show's an ensemble.
347
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:01,210
I see what's happening.
348
00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:03,210
What's happening?
349
00:16:03,210 --> 00:16:05,830
I have used the awesome power
of my creative control
350
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:08,500
to make the show
about all of us.
351
00:16:08,510 --> 00:16:10,710
It was very magnanimous of me.
352
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:12,880
Not on my watch.
I'm pulling the funding.
353
00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:14,220
I'm pulling the cash.
354
00:16:14,220 --> 00:16:16,050
Yeah.
We figured you'd say that.
355
00:16:16,050 --> 00:16:18,640
That's why we are gonna do it
ourselves.
356
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:20,060
Places, everyone.
357
00:16:20,060 --> 00:16:22,350
All right.
We're curtains up in five.
358
00:16:22,350 --> 00:16:23,890
This is so exciting.
359
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:26,060
I'll be right back.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
360
00:16:35,820 --> 00:16:40,080
♪ Crime is up,
and the sun is down ♪
361
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:44,370
♪ Our dankness ranks
above any in town ♪
362
00:16:44,370 --> 00:16:48,880
♪ Sure, the vibe
might cause depression ♪
363
00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:55,220
♪ Till these two words put court
in session ♪
364
00:16:55,220 --> 00:16:57,470
♪ All rise ♪
365
00:16:57,470 --> 00:16:59,050
That means you leave your seat.
366
00:16:59,060 --> 00:17:01,560
- ♪ All rise ♪
- Come on. Get on your feet.
367
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:04,100
♪ The crimes are dark,
but the mood is light ♪
368
00:17:04,100 --> 00:17:07,900
Tell me, Clerk.
What's on the docket tonight?
369
00:17:07,900 --> 00:17:10,610
♪ Well,
we got drunk intoxications ♪
370
00:17:10,610 --> 00:17:12,400
♪ And several urinations ♪
371
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,570
♪ Plus two formal accusations
of public masturbations ♪
372
00:17:14,570 --> 00:17:17,570
♪ 20 muggings for the purists
and an Elmo flashed a tourist ♪
373
00:17:17,570 --> 00:17:20,530
♪ Although I'm not the surest,
I still want to be a jurist ♪
374
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:23,290
♪ As a student divorcée
in need of steady pay ♪
375
00:17:23,290 --> 00:17:26,920
♪ I'll sleep all day until
I hear the bailiff say... ♪
376
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:28,960
- ♪ All rise ♪
- We're just about to start.
377
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,420
- ♪ All rise ♪
- A hellmouth with some heart.
378
00:17:31,420 --> 00:17:33,760
♪ Nightly trials
set my spirit free ♪
379
00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:37,130
♪ Lady Justice never sleeps,
and neither do we ♪
380
00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,260
♪ I can't get enough;
I'm here every night ♪
381
00:17:39,260 --> 00:17:41,640
♪ I should be retired,
but that never fit right ♪
382
00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:44,560
♪ So I'll lawyer, I'll judge,
I'll coach nighttime soccer ♪
383
00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:48,310
♪ 'Cause I want the action
and to keep my work locker ♪
384
00:17:48,310 --> 00:17:51,190
The law may be murky,
but one thing's clear.
385
00:17:51,190 --> 00:17:53,940
Everybody loves working here.
386
00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:57,240
Wait. I don't know about that.
387
00:17:59,490 --> 00:18:04,500
♪ I was a boy from the bayou ♪
388
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:09,250
♪ A dirt farmer
seeking out fame ♪
389
00:18:09,250 --> 00:18:12,170
♪ Now this place is beneath me ♪
390
00:18:12,170 --> 00:18:15,210
♪ My talents bequeathed me ♪
391
00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:18,840
♪ A chance to shine
just the same ♪
392
00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:20,260
♪ Oh, oh ♪
393
00:18:20,260 --> 00:18:23,390
♪ But after all
of my great feats ♪
394
00:18:23,390 --> 00:18:25,680
♪ I'm defending
the dumb deadbeats ♪
395
00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:29,350
♪ Feeling there's no one left
in my league ♪
396
00:18:29,350 --> 00:18:31,100
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
397
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:34,150
♪ You know, once,
in an igloo... ♪
398
00:18:34,150 --> 00:18:36,860
Well, hey, Stretch.
How do you do?
399
00:18:36,860 --> 00:18:41,870
♪ Okay,
I'll admit I'm intrigued ♪
400
00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:45,040
- Oh, yeah!
- Yeah! Whoo!
401
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:54,290
♪ All rise ♪
402
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:58,800
♪ I got my gavel
freshly shined ♪
403
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:01,970
- ♪ All rise ♪
- ♪ Haven't seen the sunshine ♪
404
00:19:01,970 --> 00:19:04,470
♪ In quite some time ♪
405
00:19:04,470 --> 00:19:07,220
♪ We're better together,
and that's the conceit ♪
406
00:19:07,230 --> 00:19:11,730
♪ Now let's get
some sex workers... ♪
407
00:19:12,690 --> 00:19:20,110
♪ ...back on the stre-e-e-et ♪
- ♪ All rise! ♪
408
00:19:20,110 --> 00:19:21,450
- Night court!
- Night court!
409
00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:31,120
Dan, that was great!
How do you feel?
410
00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:34,590
Like I should have done
a musical sooner.
411
00:19:34,590 --> 00:19:37,050
Well, that was complete trash.
412
00:19:37,050 --> 00:19:38,960
I loved it!
413
00:19:38,970 --> 00:19:41,340
Let me finish.
414
00:19:41,340 --> 00:19:43,640
Didn't doubt you for a second.
415
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:47,600
Ms. Sinclair, I am prepared
to offer you 60% of this show
416
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:48,770
right here and now.
417
00:19:48,770 --> 00:19:50,230
That's all we needed to hear.
418
00:19:50,230 --> 00:19:53,190
FBI.
Hands in the air, Hoffman.
419
00:19:53,190 --> 00:19:54,770
Hudson!
You're an FBI agent?
420
00:19:54,770 --> 00:19:56,190
Since when are you a fed?
421
00:19:56,190 --> 00:19:58,110
Since they recruited me
out of Yale Drama
422
00:19:58,110 --> 00:20:00,400
to work in their musical crimes
division.
423
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:03,780
Uncle Sy, you just sold
60% of a show
424
00:20:03,780 --> 00:20:05,870
you already sold 300% of.
425
00:20:05,870 --> 00:20:07,280
And that's fraud.
426
00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:09,120
I knew this was gonna happen.
427
00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:11,960
I mean, not this,
but I knew he was a crook!
428
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:15,210
Dan, the only reason I wanted
to make your book into a musical
429
00:20:15,210 --> 00:20:16,880
was because I knew
it would stink!
430
00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:20,300
You see, I figure you can
make more money with a flop
431
00:20:20,300 --> 00:20:22,800
than with a hit.
- Like "The Producers."
432
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,140
No! "The Producers" was a hit!
433
00:20:25,140 --> 00:20:27,010
No. It's the plot
of "The Producers."
434
00:20:27,010 --> 00:20:29,180
Haven't seen it.
435
00:20:29,180 --> 00:20:32,640
Good Lord.
You really are the worst.
436
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:35,480
That said, when does he get out?
437
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:41,190
Hey.
Here's your pitch pipe back.
438
00:20:41,190 --> 00:20:44,660
Oh, and by the way,
Gurgs went home with two Tonys.
439
00:20:46,820 --> 00:20:50,620
Oh! How did I get blisters
just from trying on tap shoes?
440
00:20:52,250 --> 00:20:54,920
{\an8}Got to say,
you got stage presence.
441
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,460
{\an8}I was thinking the same thing.
442
00:20:56,460 --> 00:20:59,750
{\an8}It was foolish to think
that anyone could play me.
443
00:21:01,380 --> 00:21:03,510
{\an8}So, I know the show
isn't happening,
444
00:21:03,510 --> 00:21:05,300
{\an8}but I'm sure there's someone
out there
445
00:21:05,300 --> 00:21:07,390
{\an8}who's gonna buy your story.
- Well, you know what?
446
00:21:07,390 --> 00:21:10,100
{\an8}I'm pretty sure
it's not done yet.
447
00:21:11,980 --> 00:21:13,810
{\an8}So you might put me in it?
448
00:21:13,810 --> 00:21:17,020
{\an8}I don't think the book
would be complete without you.
449
00:21:17,020 --> 00:21:19,520
{\an8}Though I may have to
turn you into a vampire
450
00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:21,990
{\an8}to sell more copies.
34347
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