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1
00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:06,339
- Aw, Dan.
2
00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:09,217
You have an eyelash.
Make a wish.
3
00:00:09,218 --> 00:00:12,179
- [ Exhales sharply ]
Kill me.
4
00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:16,599
- Is it me or does Dan seem
grumpier than usual?
5
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:18,184
- You should've heard
what he said
6
00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:20,645
when we saw
a shooting star.
7
00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:22,772
- Ohh!
8
00:00:22,773 --> 00:00:26,777
I can't carry that darkness.
I have children.
9
00:00:26,778 --> 00:00:29,446
- He's just upset
about his memoirs.
10
00:00:29,447 --> 00:00:31,614
It's been rejected
by every publisher in town.
11
00:00:31,615 --> 00:00:34,701
- Yeah. His agent is
so tired of giving him bad news.
12
00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:36,619
I heard he's gonna quit.
- Who's his agent?
13
00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:37,954
Me.
14
00:00:37,955 --> 00:00:40,457
[ Cellphone ringing ]
Oh. Sorry.
15
00:00:40,458 --> 00:00:42,000
Oh, I got to take this.
16
00:00:42,001 --> 00:00:43,626
Give me good news, Bobby.
17
00:00:43,627 --> 00:00:47,381
[ Gasps ] You thought Dan's
book was incredible?
18
00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:50,009
...ly bad.
19
00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:53,888
[ Chuckles ] Don't worry.
It's- It's not about you.
20
00:00:53,889 --> 00:00:57,348
- Right. Someone else's misery
will cheer Dan up.
21
00:00:57,349 --> 00:00:59,893
Any chance the next case
is someone attacked
22
00:00:59,894 --> 00:01:01,603
by their own chimp?
23
00:01:01,604 --> 00:01:06,107
- No, but it's a good one-
the people versus Llewelyn Sims.
24
00:01:06,108 --> 00:01:08,610
Mr. Sims is charged
with public indecency.
25
00:01:08,611 --> 00:01:10,987
He was reading a pornographic
novel on the subway.
26
00:01:10,988 --> 00:01:12,155
- Come on, man.
27
00:01:12,156 --> 00:01:14,533
It's not
the Staten Island ferry.
28
00:01:15,910 --> 00:01:18,161
But reading pornography
isn't a crime.
29
00:01:18,162 --> 00:01:20,539
- It is when you do it out loud.
30
00:01:21,791 --> 00:01:23,875
- This is what people
want to read,
31
00:01:23,876 --> 00:01:26,836
pool boys and housewives
slapping together?
32
00:01:26,837 --> 00:01:30,089
You know, I could put that
in my book.
33
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:33,594
- Is the counselor interested
in maybe doing some defending?
34
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,137
- Fine.
35
00:01:36,138 --> 00:01:38,723
My client is not
a run-of-the-mill perv.
36
00:01:38,724 --> 00:01:40,934
He was reading this smut
to a friend
37
00:01:40,935 --> 00:01:42,685
who has a visual impairment.
38
00:01:42,686 --> 00:01:45,313
And it is with
the deepest regret
39
00:01:45,314 --> 00:01:48,274
that the defense calls
Sy Hoffman.
40
00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:50,236
- That's right!
41
00:01:51,695 --> 00:01:54,490
Applause, applause, applause.
42
00:01:55,533 --> 00:01:57,242
I'm back, Your Honor!
43
00:01:57,243 --> 00:02:00,120
- I'm over here, Mr. Hoffman.
- Who said that?
44
00:02:00,913 --> 00:02:03,206
I'm sorry.
I just had my eyes dilated.
45
00:02:03,207 --> 00:02:06,918
I'm at risk for glaucoma,
which inspired my new musical,
46
00:02:06,919 --> 00:02:09,045
"Glaucoma!"-
exclamation point.
47
00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:10,588
? Glaucoma ?
48
00:02:10,589 --> 00:02:14,301
? When the pressure's
right behind your eyes ?
49
00:02:14,302 --> 00:02:17,720
- And the defendant was reading
you pornography because...
50
00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:21,516
- Because I'm always on the
lookout for a new story to tell.
51
00:02:21,517 --> 00:02:23,560
- Ah. Yes.
52
00:02:23,561 --> 00:02:25,645
A lot of great musicals
were based on porn.
53
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:29,065
You know, "Grease"
was originally titled "Lube."
54
00:02:29,066 --> 00:02:30,400
- Is that true?
- No.
55
00:02:30,401 --> 00:02:32,152
- Who said that?
56
00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:38,241
{\an8}?
57
00:02:38,242 --> 00:02:40,285
{\an8}- Dan, I've been looking
everywhere for you.
58
00:02:40,286 --> 00:02:42,078
{\an8}- Yeah.
Well, keep looking.
59
00:02:42,079 --> 00:02:44,122
{\an8}I think I'm in the bathroom
on the fifth floor.
60
00:02:44,123 --> 00:02:47,292
{\an8}- So, you know how no one
saw value in your life story?
61
00:02:47,293 --> 00:02:49,002
{\an8}- Yes.
62
00:02:49,003 --> 00:02:51,839
{\an8}But it's nice to be reminded.
63
00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:55,425
{\an8}- I found someone who thinks
audiences will love it.
64
00:02:55,426 --> 00:02:56,969
{\an8}- Hello.
65
00:02:56,970 --> 00:03:00,930
{\an8}- Please tell me the person
interested in my memoirs
66
00:03:00,931 --> 00:03:04,018
{\an8}is standing behind
this unethical blowfish.
67
00:03:05,102 --> 00:03:07,145
{\an8}- Dan, I love your book.
68
00:03:07,146 --> 00:03:08,771
{\an8}- You read it?
I thought your eyes didn't work.
69
00:03:08,772 --> 00:03:11,649
{\an8}- Well, it was a little blurry,
but I got the gist.
70
00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:15,028
{\an8}And I think it'll make
an incredible musical.
71
00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:16,446
{\an8}- Isn't that great?
72
00:03:16,447 --> 00:03:18,781
{\an8}Now your story can be performed
every night.
73
00:03:18,782 --> 00:03:20,283
{\an8}You'll get applause, Dan.
74
00:03:20,284 --> 00:03:22,327
{\an8}You can't clap
when you're reading a book.
75
00:03:22,328 --> 00:03:23,537
{\an8}You'd drop it.
76
00:03:23,538 --> 00:03:27,457
{\an8}- For music and lyrics,
I got Hudson Ann Martin.
77
00:03:27,458 --> 00:03:29,417
{\an8}- Wow, Dan!
Hudson and Martin!
78
00:03:29,418 --> 00:03:31,461
{\an8}- I wish I could get
Hudson and Martin.
79
00:03:31,462 --> 00:03:35,257
{\an8}I got Hudson Ann Martin-
middle name Ann.
80
00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:40,219
{\an8}He's not as good, but he's
my close personal nephew.
81
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:43,222
{\an8}- The only Hudson I'm gonna be
working with is the river,
82
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:46,143
{\an8}when I jump in it
with bricks tied to my feet!
83
00:03:46,769 --> 00:03:51,314
{\an8}- I tried that, Dan!
Bricks never stay on!
84
00:03:51,315 --> 00:03:54,443
{\an8}I've been cursed with buoyancy.
85
00:03:55,444 --> 00:03:57,153
{\an8}?
86
00:03:57,154 --> 00:04:00,031
{\an8}- Ugh. I think the coffee creamer
is expired.
87
00:04:00,032 --> 00:04:02,993
{\an8}- Ah. Yeah.
Your girls are getting big.
88
00:04:02,994 --> 00:04:06,871
{\an8}- You're not listening to me
at all.
89
00:04:06,872 --> 00:04:08,331
{\an8}- Mm-hmm.
Sure.
90
00:04:08,332 --> 00:04:11,043
{\an8}Electric cars.
Crazy.
91
00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:14,963
{\an8}- What's going on?
- We used to date.
92
00:04:14,964 --> 00:04:17,757
{\an8}- What? You and him?
Him and you? Biblically?
93
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:21,136
{\an8}- Nothing we did could be found
in any Bible.
94
00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:24,013
- Sy Hoffman.
95
00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:26,600
- That man is a sexual dynamo.
96
00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:30,103
- Wait. What?
97
00:04:30,104 --> 00:04:31,980
- You see the way he attacks
that sandwich?
98
00:04:31,981 --> 00:04:34,566
- [ Grunting ]
99
00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:39,112
He approaches all of his
endeavors with the same gusto.
100
00:04:39,113 --> 00:04:41,197
- Did he just swallow
the toothpick?
101
00:04:41,198 --> 00:04:42,992
- [ Coughs ]
Uh-oh.
102
00:04:42,993 --> 00:04:45,618
- I-I can't get involved
with him again.
103
00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,870
He'll just chew me up
and spit me out
104
00:04:47,871 --> 00:04:49,330
like that piece of sandwich foil
105
00:04:49,331 --> 00:04:51,124
that he just fished out
of his mouth.
106
00:04:51,125 --> 00:04:52,834
- [ Spits ]
Ugh.
107
00:04:52,835 --> 00:04:56,212
- Maybe I can help.
Yeah. It'll be good practice.
108
00:04:56,213 --> 00:04:57,797
My girls are starting
to like boys,
109
00:04:57,798 --> 00:05:00,008
so I need to learn
how to ruin a vibe real quick.
110
00:05:00,009 --> 00:05:02,260
- Oh.
Thank you, Wyatt.
111
00:05:02,261 --> 00:05:04,679
Now he's using his sleeve
as a napkin.
112
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:06,347
Ah!
113
00:05:06,348 --> 00:05:07,682
Okay.
This is too hot.
114
00:05:07,683 --> 00:05:10,518
I got to go and cool off
in the morgue.
115
00:05:10,519 --> 00:05:12,186
{\an8}?
116
00:05:12,187 --> 00:05:13,646
- Yeah, I got your text.
117
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:16,733
There's no way I'm doing
casual Friday. Okay-
118
00:05:16,734 --> 00:05:18,985
What's everybody doing here?
- Don't worry, Dan.
119
00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:20,570
No one wants to see you
in Crocs.
120
00:05:20,571 --> 00:05:23,406
We're here because we think
this musical with Sy
121
00:05:23,407 --> 00:05:25,867
could be just the thing
to get you out of your funk.
122
00:05:25,868 --> 00:05:28,036
- Even me, the cool one.
123
00:05:28,037 --> 00:05:30,580
- This isn't an intervention?
124
00:05:30,581 --> 00:05:33,666
Well, I-I guess this list
of all the ways you've failed me
125
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,501
can wait.
126
00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:38,254
- Okay. Everyone but Julianne
thinks working on this show
127
00:05:38,255 --> 00:05:43,052
could turn that frown
of yours... into a neutral face.
128
00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:46,262
- You're asking me to trust
Sy Hoffman.
129
00:05:46,263 --> 00:05:48,097
The man is a sellout.
130
00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:53,312
Do you know he put five Shreks
in his production of "Hamlet"?
131
00:05:53,313 --> 00:05:56,272
And that's just "Hamlet."
This is my story.
132
00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:58,024
This matters!
133
00:05:58,025 --> 00:05:59,692
- I totally hear you.
134
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:02,278
Which is why you should ask
for full creative control.
135
00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:03,821
Like Lin-Manuel Miranda
136
00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:06,408
or baristas when they write
your name on a cup.
137
00:06:07,242 --> 00:06:09,202
- And we'll be with you
the whole time.
138
00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:11,412
I know everything
there is to know about Broadway.
139
00:06:11,413 --> 00:06:14,207
Flobert does the choreography
for his barbershop quartet.
140
00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:16,209
- It's mostly taking off hats
and leaning.
141
00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:19,296
But that's not my limitation.
It's theirs.
142
00:06:19,797 --> 00:06:23,508
- "Full creative control"
has a nice ring to it.
143
00:06:23,509 --> 00:06:25,635
People bring me their ideas,
full of hope,
144
00:06:25,636 --> 00:06:29,389
and I crush them
with a withering glance.
145
00:06:30,766 --> 00:06:33,434
Yeah, that feels good.
146
00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:35,269
- I've already spoken to Sy,
147
00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:37,980
and he's on board for Dan
being fully in charge.
148
00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:39,315
- Fine.
I'll do it.
149
00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:41,317
Hey.
But no comp tickets!
150
00:06:41,318 --> 00:06:44,403
You want to see the show,
you pay!
151
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:46,906
- The only catch is we need to
come up with our opening number
152
00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,324
to show investors in three days.
153
00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:49,992
And now I'll leave
before that sinks in.
154
00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:54,247
- Uh, well, Dan, looks like
we better get to work.
155
00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:57,584
So, what is your memoir about?
156
00:07:00,379 --> 00:07:01,712
- You're my agent.
157
00:07:01,713 --> 00:07:04,591
{\an8}?
158
00:07:05,232 --> 00:07:09,345
- And then- then here's
the big finish, all right?
159
00:07:09,346 --> 00:07:11,514
So then Dan-
Dan picks up the Constitution,
160
00:07:11,515 --> 00:07:13,182
wipes the ash from his face,
161
00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:15,935
and the Constitution says,
"Thank you, Dan.
162
00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:18,521
I could have never done this
without you!"
163
00:07:18,522 --> 00:07:21,357
And then Dan says,
"No, Constitution."
164
00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:23,944
[ Smooches ]
"Thank you."
165
00:07:25,571 --> 00:07:27,197
- Ohh!
166
00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:30,700
- What else you got?
167
00:07:30,701 --> 00:07:33,536
- Come on, Dan.
You've hated everything-
168
00:07:33,537 --> 00:07:36,706
the costumes, the actors.
- You hated all my ideas.
169
00:07:36,707 --> 00:07:38,833
- You just kept saying
the show needs more "zazz."
170
00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:41,461
- Well, you're crazy
if you think it doesn't.
171
00:07:42,171 --> 00:07:43,838
- You made Martin cry.
172
00:07:43,839 --> 00:07:45,965
That's probably why Hudson
hasn't shown up.
173
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:48,009
- I'm one person.
174
00:07:48,010 --> 00:07:49,636
- Well, you cry enough for two.
175
00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:55,475
- You hens done cluckin'?
176
00:07:57,519 --> 00:08:00,109
'Cause this rooster's
about to make the sun come up.
177
00:08:01,023 --> 00:08:04,650
I can tell you what this show is
in one word.
178
00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:05,944
Dan.
179
00:08:08,739 --> 00:08:11,532
- Can you maybe give us
a few more words?
180
00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:13,451
- For me, the moment
that best captures
181
00:08:13,452 --> 00:08:15,036
the Dan vibe we're all loving
182
00:08:15,037 --> 00:08:16,746
is the day you won
your first case.
183
00:08:16,747 --> 00:08:20,291
- Ah, yes. Page 823.
184
00:08:20,292 --> 00:08:22,293
- I can see it now.
185
00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:24,629
Young Dan comes to town,
186
00:08:24,630 --> 00:08:27,089
the big man from the Big Easy.
in the Big Apple
187
00:08:27,090 --> 00:08:31,094
with nothing but a dream and
a bindle full of gator jerky.
188
00:08:32,262 --> 00:08:37,225
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
- ? I was a boy from the bayou ?
189
00:08:37,226 --> 00:08:39,685
- Now we're talkin' zazz!
190
00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:42,855
{\an8}?
191
00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,357
Pro tip-
192
00:08:44,358 --> 00:08:46,442
When the cashier sees
the soda cup,
193
00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:48,486
she just presses $1.50.
194
00:08:48,487 --> 00:08:51,949
She never asks what's in it.
195
00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:56,702
- Why don't you put that down
196
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:59,455
and we'll have each other
for lunch?
197
00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:03,252
- Why don't I eat first and then
you and I can be dessert?
198
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,713
- So you remember me.
- Nope.
199
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,925
- Julianne.
There you are.
200
00:09:10,926 --> 00:09:14,845
I lost track of you after you
locked me in the elevator.
201
00:09:14,846 --> 00:09:16,514
- It's no use, Wyatt.
202
00:09:16,515 --> 00:09:19,183
It's only a matter of time
before I'm wearing that man
203
00:09:19,184 --> 00:09:21,645
like a weighted blanket.
204
00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:26,232
- Okay.
Stop looking at him.
205
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:28,109
- Is this whole thing Dan's book?
206
00:09:28,110 --> 00:09:30,444
- I've been carrying it around,
hoping to pass it to someone
207
00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:32,488
like an ancient curse.
- Ugh!
208
00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:34,740
It's pompous.
It's self-indulgent.
209
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:37,994
It's [snorts] a turn-off
in every possible way.
210
00:09:37,995 --> 00:09:39,453
It...
211
00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:43,124
- Oh.
- This is just the distraction I need.
212
00:09:43,125 --> 00:09:45,585
Oh, thank you, Wyatt.
213
00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:53,467
- I'm glad I caught you.
214
00:09:53,468 --> 00:09:56,178
- Caught me doing what?
This is root beer.
215
00:09:56,179 --> 00:09:59,098
- Sy, you are going to love
what we came up with.
216
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,683
The Tonys are already knockin'.
217
00:10:00,684 --> 00:10:03,102
To be clear, the Tonys
are two cafeteria workers
218
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:04,228
who love to sing.
219
00:10:04,229 --> 00:10:06,439
But shows we're getting buzz!
220
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,691
- I can't wait to see it.
221
00:10:08,692 --> 00:10:11,111
One thought.
Get rid of all of it.
222
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,696
This show isn't about Dan
anymore.
223
00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:15,740
It's about you.
- Me?
224
00:10:15,741 --> 00:10:17,742
Sy, the whole reason
we're doing this thing
225
00:10:17,743 --> 00:10:19,702
is to give Dan a chance
to tell his story.
226
00:10:19,703 --> 00:10:22,330
- Well, that was before I found
out that my biggest investor
227
00:10:22,331 --> 00:10:24,332
has a tiny blond granddaughter.
228
00:10:24,333 --> 00:10:27,585
Awful kid.
The voice of a beluga whale.
229
00:10:27,586 --> 00:10:29,879
But she wants to play the lead,
230
00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:33,341
so I said yes
before the end of the sentence.
231
00:10:33,342 --> 00:10:35,384
- But she sings
like a beluga whale!
232
00:10:35,385 --> 00:10:38,638
- Hey! That's our star
you're talking about!
233
00:10:39,723 --> 00:10:41,182
Look.
Let me make this plain.
234
00:10:41,183 --> 00:10:44,435
You don't get Dan on board
with this new direction,
235
00:10:44,436 --> 00:10:47,146
this musical goes away.
236
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:48,898
Ball's in your court.
237
00:10:48,899 --> 00:10:51,108
Ooh! That could be
your opening number.
238
00:10:51,109 --> 00:10:52,401
? Ball's in your court ?
239
00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:54,070
? I'm blond, and I'm short ?
240
00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:57,532
? I have a little hammer
that goes bam, bam, bam! ?
241
00:10:58,617 --> 00:11:00,118
Well, you get it.
242
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:05,665
- God, I hate how much
I love that.
243
00:11:09,753 --> 00:11:11,253
- Why were you brawling?
244
00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:13,047
You are the New York
Gay Men's Choir.
245
00:11:13,048 --> 00:11:16,092
You took an oath
to put song above all else.
246
00:11:16,093 --> 00:11:18,177
- It's not my fault, Your Honor.
247
00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:19,720
When I'm... ? Up here ?
248
00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,972
...he's supposed to be...
? Down here ?
249
00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:25,393
But instead he was...
[ Nasally ] ? Over here ?
250
00:11:25,394 --> 00:11:27,103
Where's that?
I don't even know.
251
00:11:27,104 --> 00:11:28,521
- Oh, yeah, tough guy?
252
00:11:28,522 --> 00:11:30,356
Why don't you sing it
to my face?
253
00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:31,607
- Oh! Oh!
No, you don't-
254
00:11:31,608 --> 00:11:33,109
- No! Stop! Stop!
Listen.
255
00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:35,403
You guys don't want to end up
at Rikers.
256
00:11:35,404 --> 00:11:38,197
The acoustics there
are terrible.
257
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,865
- The Spring Sing is coming up,
258
00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:42,368
and I refuse to listen to
a chorus full of straights.
259
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,620
- Okay.
[ Men murmuring ]
260
00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:46,664
- Let's cool down
with a night in holding.
261
00:11:46,665 --> 00:11:48,124
- Yeah, that's in the basement.
262
00:11:48,125 --> 00:11:51,794
[ Deep voice ]
? Which is down there ?
263
00:11:51,795 --> 00:11:54,130
- And a-five, six, seven, eight.
[ Chuckles ]
264
00:11:54,131 --> 00:11:57,634
That's how many people
you'll be sharing a cell with.
265
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:02,638
- Hey.
I want to talk about the show.
266
00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:04,348
Sorry.
W-Who's your friend?
267
00:12:04,349 --> 00:12:06,308
- Oh, this is Broadway's
Roland Kincaid.
268
00:12:06,309 --> 00:12:08,477
I've cast him as Dan.
269
00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:10,646
- I'm shadowing him
to capture his essence.
270
00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:13,733
- Oh. Right.
Like that's possible.
271
00:12:14,276 --> 00:12:17,611
- Well, Dan, fake Dan, I love
that you're getting into this.
272
00:12:17,612 --> 00:12:20,239
But here's an idea
just coming to me now.
273
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,576
What if we keep the great themes
from the book
274
00:12:23,577 --> 00:12:26,662
but shift the focus a bit to...
I don't know.
275
00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:29,999
Let's say a... female judge.
276
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,834
- Oh, yes.
The great themes.
277
00:12:31,835 --> 00:12:36,005
Because after all,
that's what's really important.
278
00:12:36,006 --> 00:12:39,550
Even more so than who the show
is actually about.
279
00:12:39,551 --> 00:12:41,677
- Exactly.
So we're on the same page.
280
00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:43,345
- Oh, yes.
The same page.
281
00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:46,099
The page of betrayal!
282
00:12:46,100 --> 00:12:50,227
You're trying to steal my show!
- I'm not trying to steal it.
283
00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:51,562
I'm trying to save it.
284
00:12:51,563 --> 00:12:53,189
Sy says the show's off
285
00:12:53,190 --> 00:12:55,357
if his investor's granddaughter
doesn't get the lead.
286
00:12:55,358 --> 00:12:58,736
- [ Gasps ]
- Oh, y- Oh, no. No, no.
287
00:12:58,737 --> 00:13:00,654
I'll handle this.
288
00:13:00,655 --> 00:13:03,657
I was promised
complete creative control.
289
00:13:03,658 --> 00:13:07,203
If that is no longer the case,
I'm out.
290
00:13:07,204 --> 00:13:10,123
Roland, let's go.
291
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:13,417
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
292
00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:16,378
- ? Drama ?
- ? Drama ?
293
00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:18,839
That was beautiful.
Okay.
294
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:21,133
We should really get
you gentlemen to jail.
295
00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:23,719
{\an8}?
296
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,429
- What are you doing here?
297
00:13:25,430 --> 00:13:29,893
Shouldn't you be strapping into
a dance belt and vocalizing?
298
00:13:31,102 --> 00:13:32,436
- The show is off.
299
00:13:32,437 --> 00:13:34,563
Uh, theater is dead anyway.
300
00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:36,398
You know,
I've decided to make a pivot
301
00:13:36,399 --> 00:13:40,820
and turn my magnum opus
into a series of TokTiks.
302
00:13:41,655 --> 00:13:43,906
- Well, that's a shame.
303
00:13:43,907 --> 00:13:46,158
You know, I read your book,
and, um...
304
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:49,036
Well, it was better
than I expected. Yeah.
305
00:13:49,037 --> 00:13:52,748
Did you really do an unassisted
appendectomy in an igloo?
306
00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:54,583
- Yeah.
But just the one.
307
00:13:54,584 --> 00:13:56,085
- Oh.
308
00:13:56,086 --> 00:13:59,255
The ending didn't really work
for me, then.
309
00:13:59,256 --> 00:14:01,215
- Oh, the part where I met
the love of my life
310
00:14:01,216 --> 00:14:03,384
wasn't a satisfactory
conclusion?
311
00:14:03,385 --> 00:14:07,680
Sorry I didn't marry a Gone Girl
with a dragon tattoo.
312
00:14:07,681 --> 00:14:09,014
- No.
But that's just it.
313
00:14:09,015 --> 00:14:10,891
It didn't feel like
a conclusion.
314
00:14:10,892 --> 00:14:13,644
It felt like the beginning
of your third act.
315
00:14:13,645 --> 00:14:15,145
You come out of retirement,
316
00:14:15,146 --> 00:14:17,690
you team up
with your old friend's daughter,
317
00:14:17,691 --> 00:14:19,358
and you become the kind of man
318
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:23,238
whose friends put on a musical
about his dumb life.
319
00:14:24,406 --> 00:14:27,741
You know, you throw in a scene
where you save the Constitution,
320
00:14:27,742 --> 00:14:29,702
and I think you've got
a bestseller.
321
00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:31,203
- Murray got to you.
- Yeah.
322
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:34,498
He gave me the whole
sweaty pitch.
323
00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:36,500
- Hey, Dan.
I'm sorry about Sy.
324
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:38,794
- Oh! You said his name.
Great.
325
00:14:38,795 --> 00:14:41,256
Now I have to read
your stupid book again.
326
00:14:41,257 --> 00:14:44,967
- Listen. I think we could still
get your show made.
327
00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:47,595
You know how many NYU
students will work for nothing
328
00:14:47,596 --> 00:14:49,346
if we promise it'll upset
their parents?
329
00:14:49,347 --> 00:14:52,641
- You know, you tell Sy
the showcase is back on.
330
00:14:52,642 --> 00:14:54,935
- So you'll do Sy's version
of the show?
331
00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:57,438
- No. I've got a much better idea
than that.
332
00:14:57,439 --> 00:14:59,148
But we will not tell him.
333
00:14:59,149 --> 00:15:02,568
Oh. Also, we will not tell him
that we're going to Chili's
334
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:04,153
after the performance.
335
00:15:04,154 --> 00:15:07,823
{\an8}?
336
00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:09,742
- How are ya?
How are ya?
337
00:15:09,743 --> 00:15:12,828
Good to see ya.
Beautiful night for a showcase!
338
00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:14,246
Thank you for making my changes.
339
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:16,290
These things happen
in the theater.
340
00:15:16,291 --> 00:15:19,209
"Annie" was originally
about this leggy broad
341
00:15:19,210 --> 00:15:20,628
named Miss Hannigan,
342
00:15:20,629 --> 00:15:24,340
and her big number
was called "Today"!
343
00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:26,008
- You know, it is remarkable
344
00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:28,970
how literally nothing you say
is true.
345
00:15:29,679 --> 00:15:31,013
- So, is everyone here?
346
00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:33,182
- No, no, no. I'm waiting
for my biggest investor.
347
00:15:33,183 --> 00:15:36,602
And there she is!
Hello, gorgeous!
348
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:38,854
Ow.
349
00:15:38,855 --> 00:15:40,397
- Sy, I am furious!
350
00:15:40,398 --> 00:15:43,902
I don't care how good you were
in the sack.
351
00:15:44,736 --> 00:15:47,029
- Could be many things.
352
00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:51,325
Listen. What were you told
and/or what'd you find out?
353
00:15:51,326 --> 00:15:54,912
- Well, you said my granddaughter
was gonna be the lead,
354
00:15:54,913 --> 00:15:59,500
but now I'm being told
that the show's an ensemble.
355
00:15:59,501 --> 00:16:01,210
- I see what's happening.
356
00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:03,212
What's happening?
357
00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:05,839
- I have used the awesome power
of my creative control
358
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:08,509
to make the show
about all of us.
359
00:16:08,510 --> 00:16:10,719
It was very magnanimous of me.
360
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:12,888
- Not on my watch.
I'm pulling the funding.
361
00:16:12,889 --> 00:16:14,223
I'm pulling the cash.
362
00:16:14,224 --> 00:16:16,058
- Yeah.
We figured you'd say that.
363
00:16:16,059 --> 00:16:18,644
That's why we are gonna do it
ourselves.
364
00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:20,062
Places, everyone.
365
00:16:20,063 --> 00:16:22,356
- All right.
We're curtains up in five.
366
00:16:22,357 --> 00:16:23,899
This is so exciting.
367
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:26,068
I'll be right back.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
368
00:16:26,069 --> 00:16:27,320
{\an8}?
369
00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:33,200
[ Piano playing down-tempo
introduction ]
370
00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:35,828
{\an8}?
371
00:16:35,829 --> 00:16:40,082
- ? Crime is up,
and the sun is down ?
372
00:16:40,083 --> 00:16:44,378
? Our dankness ranks
above any in town ?
373
00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:48,882
? Sure, the vibe
might cause depression ?
374
00:16:48,883 --> 00:16:55,222
? Till these two words put court
in session ?
375
00:16:55,223 --> 00:16:57,474
[ Music builds ]
? All rise ?
376
00:16:57,475 --> 00:16:59,059
- That means you leave your seat.
377
00:16:59,060 --> 00:17:01,562
- ? All rise ?
- Come on. Get on your feet.
378
00:17:01,563 --> 00:17:04,106
- ? The crimes are dark,
but the mood is light ?
379
00:17:04,107 --> 00:17:07,901
- Tell me, Clerk.
What's on the docket tonight?
380
00:17:07,902 --> 00:17:10,612
- ? Well,
we got drunk intoxications ?
381
00:17:10,613 --> 00:17:12,406
? And several urinations ?
382
00:17:12,407 --> 00:17:14,575
? Plus two formal accusations
of public masturbations ?
383
00:17:14,576 --> 00:17:17,578
? 20 muggings for the purists
and an Elmo flashed a tourist ?
384
00:17:17,579 --> 00:17:20,539
? Although I'm not the surest,
I still want to be a jurist ?
385
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:23,292
? As a student divorc๏ฟฝe
in need of steady pay ?
386
00:17:23,293 --> 00:17:26,920
? I'll sleep all day until
I hear the bailiff say... ?
387
00:17:26,921 --> 00:17:28,964
- ? All rise ?
- We're just about to start.
388
00:17:28,965 --> 00:17:31,425
- ? All rise ?
- A hellmouth with some heart.
389
00:17:31,426 --> 00:17:33,761
? Nightly trials
set my spirit free ?
390
00:17:33,762 --> 00:17:37,139
- ? Lady Justice never sleeps,
and neither do we ?
391
00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,266
- ? I can't get enough;
I'm here every night ?
392
00:17:39,267 --> 00:17:41,643
? I should be retired,
but that never fit right ?
393
00:17:41,644 --> 00:17:44,563
? So I'll lawyer, I'll judge,
I'll coach nighttime soccer ?
394
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:48,317
? 'Cause I want the action
and to keep my work locker ?
395
00:17:48,318 --> 00:17:51,195
- The law may be murky,
but one thing's clear.
396
00:17:51,196 --> 00:17:53,947
- Everybody loves working here.
397
00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:57,243
- Wait. I don't know about that.
[ Music stops ]
398
00:17:59,496 --> 00:18:04,500
? I was a boy from the bayou ?
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
399
00:18:04,501 --> 00:18:09,254
? A dirt farmer
seeking out fame ?
400
00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:12,174
? Now this place is beneath me ?
401
00:18:12,175 --> 00:18:15,219
? My talents bequeathed me ?
402
00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:18,847
? A chance to shine
just the same ?
403
00:18:18,848 --> 00:18:20,265
- ? Oh, oh ?
404
00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:23,393
- ? But after all
of my great feats ?
405
00:18:23,394 --> 00:18:25,687
? I'm defending
the dumb deadbeats ?
406
00:18:25,688 --> 00:18:29,358
? Feeling there's no one left
in my league ?
407
00:18:29,359 --> 00:18:31,109
- ? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ?
408
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:34,154
- ? You know, once,
in an igloo... ?
409
00:18:34,155 --> 00:18:36,865
- Well, hey, Stretch.
How do you do?
410
00:18:36,866 --> 00:18:41,870
- ? Okay,
I'll admit I'm intrigued ?
411
00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:43,288
{\an8}?
412
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,040
- Oh, yeah!
- Yeah! Whoo!
413
00:18:45,041 --> 00:18:47,376
[ Finger snapping ]
414
00:18:47,377 --> 00:18:51,380
{\an8}?
415
00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:54,299
[ Music slows, continues ]
- ? All rise ?
416
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:58,804
- ? I got my gavel
freshly shined ?
417
00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:01,974
- ? All rise ?
- ? Haven't seen the sunshine ?
418
00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:04,476
? In quite some time ?
419
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:07,229
- ? We're better together,
and that's the conceit ?
420
00:19:07,230 --> 00:19:11,734
? Now let's get
some sex workers... ?
421
00:19:12,694 --> 00:19:20,117
? ...back on the stre-e-e-et ?
- ? All rise! ?
422
00:19:20,118 --> 00:19:21,451
- Night court!
- Night court!
423
00:19:21,452 --> 00:19:24,330
[ Music ends ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
424
00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:31,128
- Dan, that was great!
How do you feel?
425
00:19:31,129 --> 00:19:34,590
- Like I should have done
a musical sooner.
426
00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:37,050
- Well, that was complete trash.
427
00:19:37,051 --> 00:19:38,969
- I loved it!
428
00:19:38,970 --> 00:19:41,346
Let me finish.
429
00:19:41,347 --> 00:19:43,640
Didn't doubt you for a second.
430
00:19:43,641 --> 00:19:47,603
Ms. Sinclair, I am prepared
to offer you 60% of this show
431
00:19:47,604 --> 00:19:48,770
right here and now.
432
00:19:48,771 --> 00:19:50,230
- That's all we needed to hear.
433
00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:53,191
FBI.
Hands in the air, Hoffman.
434
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:54,776
- Hudson!
You're an FBI agent?
435
00:19:54,777 --> 00:19:56,194
- Since when are you a fed?
436
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:58,113
- Since they recruited me
out of Yale Drama
437
00:19:58,114 --> 00:20:00,407
to work in their musical crimes
division.
438
00:20:00,408 --> 00:20:03,785
Uncle Sy, you just sold
60% of a show
439
00:20:03,786 --> 00:20:05,871
you already sold 300% of.
440
00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:07,289
And that's fraud.
441
00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:09,124
- I knew this was gonna happen.
442
00:20:09,125 --> 00:20:11,960
I mean, not this,
but I knew he was a crook!
443
00:20:11,961 --> 00:20:15,213
- Dan, the only reason I wanted
to make your book into a musical
444
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:16,882
was because I knew
it would stink!
445
00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:20,302
You see, I figure you can
make more money with a flop
446
00:20:20,303 --> 00:20:22,804
than with a hit.
- Like "The Producers."
447
00:20:22,805 --> 00:20:25,140
- No! "The Producers" was a hit!
448
00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:27,017
- No. It's the plot
of "The Producers."
449
00:20:27,018 --> 00:20:29,186
- Haven't seen it.
450
00:20:29,187 --> 00:20:32,648
- Good Lord.
You really are the worst.
451
00:20:32,649 --> 00:20:35,484
That said, when does he get out?
452
00:20:35,485 --> 00:20:38,528
{\an8}?
453
00:20:38,529 --> 00:20:41,198
- Hey.
Here's your pitch pipe back.
454
00:20:41,199 --> 00:20:44,661
Oh, and by the way,
Gurgs went home with two Tonys.
455
00:20:46,829 --> 00:20:50,625
- Oh! How did I get blisters
just from trying on tap shoes?
456
00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:54,920
{\an8}Got to say,
you got stage presence.
457
00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:56,463
{\an8}- I was thinking the same thing.
458
00:20:56,464 --> 00:20:59,759
{\an8}It was foolish to think
that anyone could play me.
459
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:03,512
{\an8}- So, I know the show
isn't happening,
460
00:21:03,513 --> 00:21:05,305
{\an8}but I'm sure there's someone
out there
461
00:21:05,306 --> 00:21:07,391
{\an8}who's gonna buy your story.
- Well, you know what?
462
00:21:07,392 --> 00:21:10,103
{\an8}I'm pretty sure
it's not done yet.
463
00:21:11,980 --> 00:21:13,814
{\an8}- So you might put me in it?
464
00:21:13,815 --> 00:21:17,025
{\an8}- I don't think the book
would be complete without you.
465
00:21:17,026 --> 00:21:19,528
{\an8}Though I may have to
turn you into a vampire
466
00:21:19,529 --> 00:21:21,990
{\an8}to sell more copies.
467
00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:26,590
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