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1
00:00:11,010 --> 00:00:14,580
Damn!
How're you doin' today, ma'am?
2
00:00:16,549 --> 00:00:19,718
Shit! I'm gonna need to see
some sort of proof
3
00:00:19,719 --> 00:00:21,053
that you got a smog check,
4
00:00:21,054 --> 00:00:24,022
and I'm gonna need
to see your...
5
00:00:24,023 --> 00:00:26,125
license and registration, please.
6
00:00:57,824 --> 00:00:58,958
{\an8}Oh, my God!
7
00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:15,808
{\an8}-Good morning, gang.
- Good morning.
8
00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:17,609
Due to budget cuts,
today's briefing
9
00:01:17,610 --> 00:01:19,111
is brought to you by
Chicken Out.
10
00:01:19,112 --> 00:01:22,248
"If you're out of chicken,
don't scream and shout.
11
00:01:23,183 --> 00:01:24,584
Tap your digits to Chicken Out."
12
00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:27,820
I don't know how it works
but they're paying for it today.
13
00:01:27,821 --> 00:01:28,988
Um...
14
00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:32,291
Oh, never mind, it's stupid.
I'm not gonna tell you 'bout it.
15
00:01:32,292 --> 00:01:34,293
- What?
- No, never mind, it's stupid.
16
00:01:34,294 --> 00:01:35,661
Tell us what it is.
17
00:01:35,662 --> 00:01:38,530
You obviously wanted us
to ask you about it.
18
00:01:38,531 --> 00:01:40,165
What the fuck
is it, Jim?
19
00:01:40,166 --> 00:01:41,834
Well, okay. It's pretty neat.
20
00:01:41,835 --> 00:01:45,504
So all of the Nevada lieutenants
got a challenge coin.
21
00:01:45,505 --> 00:01:47,272
It's got Mike Pence,
and it says,
22
00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:49,875
"You survived
the 2020 race riots."
23
00:01:49,876 --> 00:01:51,310
We did. Barely.
24
00:01:51,311 --> 00:01:53,212
And then on the back,
it's so fun,
25
00:01:53,213 --> 00:01:55,414
Antifa getting kicked
with a boot.
26
00:01:55,415 --> 00:01:56,748
Oh! That's beautiful.
27
00:01:56,749 --> 00:01:58,317
I want that!
28
00:01:58,318 --> 00:02:00,385
Maybe you can just pass it
and everyone can take a turn?
29
00:02:00,386 --> 00:02:02,020
That's for all of us?
30
00:02:02,021 --> 00:02:03,655
It's for the top brass
law enforcement guys.
31
00:02:03,656 --> 00:02:07,493
I got one. Pretty neat,
if I do say so myself.
32
00:02:07,494 --> 00:02:09,828
I look a little bit like Pence,
don't you think?
33
00:02:09,829 --> 00:02:11,964
Is ours coming later?
Like, you get the first one
34
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,499
and then we're all gonna
get them afterwards?
35
00:02:13,500 --> 00:02:15,000
Did they say...
everybody got one?
36
00:02:15,001 --> 00:02:16,268
- Question.
-Yeah?
37
00:02:16,269 --> 00:02:20,272
We all chip in
and we get this cast...
38
00:02:20,273 --> 00:02:21,673
and we all get one.
39
00:02:21,674 --> 00:02:23,642
We could paint them ourselves.
-Yeah.
40
00:02:23,643 --> 00:02:26,011
Then do that.
But don't do it with mine.
41
00:02:26,012 --> 00:02:28,881
Why the-- I got through
the fucking riots, too!
42
00:02:28,882 --> 00:02:30,449
And if you were
in a slightly higher position,
43
00:02:30,450 --> 00:02:32,251
you would get
one of these amazing things.
44
00:02:32,252 --> 00:02:33,719
- You know what I'll do?
- That's elitist.
45
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,220
I'm gonna make t-shirts
for everybody.
46
00:02:35,221 --> 00:02:38,691
I don't want a t-shirt.
I want a fucking challenge coin!
47
00:02:39,692 --> 00:02:42,327
And you're allowed
to look at it. Good day.
48
00:02:42,328 --> 00:02:43,696
Ah! Fuck you!
49
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,401
Oh, classic!
50
00:02:49,402 --> 00:02:51,603
Here come the cops.
- Hey, how're you doing?
51
00:02:51,604 --> 00:02:54,573
{\an8}I'm trying to do good here,
okay? This out of pocket!
52
00:02:54,574 --> 00:02:56,542
{\an8}Okay? And that took
a long time to paint.
53
00:02:56,543 --> 00:02:58,410
{\an8}It's beautiful.
54
00:02:58,411 --> 00:03:00,412
I have never
tried to convince the locals
55
00:03:00,413 --> 00:03:01,947
that my penis is a lake monster,
56
00:03:01,948 --> 00:03:03,515
and that I swim around
on my back
57
00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:05,350
with my boner
sticking out of the water.
58
00:03:05,351 --> 00:03:06,885
Shame on you!
59
00:03:06,886 --> 00:03:09,755
Well, we didn't even
bring that up.
60
00:03:09,756 --> 00:03:11,957
I wasn't thinking
about your penis at all.
61
00:03:11,958 --> 00:03:13,759
You brought it up. Now I can't
stop thinking about it.
62
00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,727
Oh, you think about it
constantly!
63
00:03:15,728 --> 00:03:19,565
I'm an actor. And I portray
Tessie the Lake Monster.
64
00:03:19,566 --> 00:03:21,767
Sure. But not with your penis.
'Cause you said so.
65
00:03:21,768 --> 00:03:24,002
You said that's not
with your penis, so that's okay.
66
00:03:24,003 --> 00:03:25,971
Abso-fucking-lutely not!
I have a puppet.
67
00:03:25,972 --> 00:03:27,839
This puppet!
- Oh, look at that!
68
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:30,576
When I puppet that,
I become the monster.
69
00:03:30,577 --> 00:03:33,445
How's this puppet work?
You flute it?
70
00:03:33,446 --> 00:03:36,749
Do you...
- Is that a butt plug?
71
00:03:38,084 --> 00:03:39,017
Oh... yeah.
72
00:03:39,018 --> 00:03:40,285
Don't get that dirty.
73
00:03:40,286 --> 00:03:41,687
That's going in my anus
in a moment.
74
00:03:41,688 --> 00:03:43,055
- So it is a butt plug?
- Yes!
75
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:44,723
You go into the water,
plug this in your butt--
76
00:03:44,724 --> 00:03:47,125
But I don't enjoy it!
77
00:03:47,126 --> 00:03:48,727
See, it's not a problem.
78
00:03:48,728 --> 00:03:52,831
We're not here to tell you
any of this is a problem.
79
00:03:52,832 --> 00:03:54,600
Better Business Board
gave you an award, dude.
80
00:03:54,601 --> 00:03:57,002
The most popular attraction
in Washoe County.
81
00:03:57,003 --> 00:03:58,470
Oh, my God!
82
00:03:58,471 --> 00:03:59,671
This has my name.
- Yeah.
83
00:03:59,672 --> 00:04:01,506
- And no mugshot!
- Yeah.
84
00:04:01,507 --> 00:04:05,711
Okay, here we go. One, two...
85
00:04:05,712 --> 00:04:07,480
...three-- No!
- Three!
86
00:04:12,552 --> 00:04:14,853
{\an8}Uh, okay, everyone,
my name is Dr. Fry,
87
00:04:14,854 --> 00:04:17,155
{\an8}and I'm gonna administer
your state-mandated
88
00:04:17,156 --> 00:04:19,891
five-year physical fitness test
for the department.
89
00:04:19,892 --> 00:04:22,861
We're just gonna
have you run 1.5 miles,
90
00:04:22,862 --> 00:04:25,597
we'll just time that, make sure
that you're in the range.
91
00:04:25,598 --> 00:04:27,466
Then we'll go into
some push-ups and sit-ups.
92
00:04:27,467 --> 00:04:29,835
Then we're just gonna do
some hanging pull-ups.
93
00:04:29,836 --> 00:04:31,370
I'm sure you've all
experienced those,
94
00:04:31,371 --> 00:04:32,804
probably do those
in your morning routines.
95
00:04:32,805 --> 00:04:34,373
And then we'll take
a little bit of a cooldown
96
00:04:34,374 --> 00:04:37,109
and then jump back into
another five-minute timed run,
97
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,777
just to see where we are.
98
00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:40,512
That sounds like you have
a lot of stuff in store for us.
99
00:04:40,513 --> 00:04:43,048
This might need something
out of your bag,
100
00:04:43,049 --> 00:04:44,850
maybe a list of all the things
we're gonna do?
101
00:04:44,851 --> 00:04:48,520
So let me get the--
Oh! Whoops! I'm sorry.
102
00:04:48,521 --> 00:04:50,122
That's not mine!
That's not mine!
103
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:52,591
What is all this stuff?
Look at all this crazy mess!
104
00:04:52,592 --> 00:04:55,027
What-- Is this oxycodone?
105
00:04:55,028 --> 00:04:56,261
They're not mine!
106
00:04:56,262 --> 00:04:59,331
- Uh-oh, underage boys.
-What?
107
00:04:59,332 --> 00:05:01,133
Child pornography.
108
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:03,535
If that was mine, I wouldn't
label them individually.
109
00:05:03,536 --> 00:05:06,505
What is this? A gun?
110
00:05:06,506 --> 00:05:08,607
Isn't that, that gun
from Karpinski case?
111
00:05:08,608 --> 00:05:11,643
-Wow!
-And it was in his bag.
112
00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:14,447
Hmm.
113
00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:17,549
I... Yeah, all right.
114
00:05:17,550 --> 00:05:19,685
Yeah, you all look good.
You all pass.
115
00:05:19,686 --> 00:05:21,788
Great job.
- Great.
116
00:05:22,588 --> 00:05:23,822
See you in five years.
117
00:05:23,823 --> 00:05:25,958
- Thank you, Doctor.
-Good work, Rizzo.
118
00:05:27,293 --> 00:05:28,861
Took my lunch out of there.
119
00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:37,002
The Reno Sheriff's Department
120
00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:39,371
would like to welcome you
to our beautiful city,
121
00:05:39,372 --> 00:05:43,209
and ask that you help us
keep it that way by pitching in.
122
00:05:45,044 --> 00:05:47,245
Did you know
that the average tourist in Reno
123
00:05:47,246 --> 00:05:50,716
generates eight pounds
of garbage in a single day?
124
00:05:50,717 --> 00:05:53,351
That's the size
of an average human baby.
125
00:05:53,352 --> 00:05:57,055
Now just imagine, all those
eight-pound garbage babies
126
00:05:57,056 --> 00:05:59,257
ending up on our streets
and sidewalks.
127
00:05:59,258 --> 00:06:02,728
Imagine an obstacle course
of hypodermic needles
128
00:06:02,729 --> 00:06:04,596
and empty malt liquor bottles.
129
00:06:04,597 --> 00:06:07,733
Add to that,
an occasional puddle of lube.
130
00:06:07,734 --> 00:06:11,036
That, my friends,
is one heck of a garbage baby.
131
00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:14,406
And it is a slip-and-fall
attorney's wet dream.
132
00:06:14,407 --> 00:06:15,807
And just a reminder,
133
00:06:15,808 --> 00:06:18,543
littering in Reno
is not a nuisance...
134
00:06:18,544 --> 00:06:21,513
...it's also a crime!
135
00:06:21,514 --> 00:06:25,083
And if we see you,
we will lock you up.
136
00:06:25,084 --> 00:06:26,618
And trust me...
137
00:06:26,619 --> 00:06:28,787
...you think our streets
are dirty?
138
00:06:28,788 --> 00:06:31,289
Wait until you meet
some of the garbage babies
139
00:06:31,290 --> 00:06:32,758
we have in our holding cell.
140
00:06:32,759 --> 00:06:36,328
Because as we's like to say...
141
00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:38,130
Littering is trashy!
142
00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:40,733
And not in a good way.
143
00:06:49,509 --> 00:06:51,109
{\an8}That is a massacre
right there.
144
00:06:51,110 --> 00:06:52,545
{\an8}I know.
145
00:06:58,117 --> 00:06:59,352
Who did it?
146
00:07:00,119 --> 00:07:01,720
I just had to tape off my desk
147
00:07:01,721 --> 00:07:04,189
because it's a mother
crime scene.
148
00:07:04,190 --> 00:07:05,791
-What?
- Who took it?
149
00:07:05,792 --> 00:07:07,460
Who took what?
150
00:07:08,294 --> 00:07:10,529
Who took my Mike Pence
challenge coin?
151
00:07:10,530 --> 00:07:13,064
Someone took your
Mike Pence challenge coin?
152
00:07:13,065 --> 00:07:15,033
I'm sorry,
but I would like everybody
153
00:07:15,034 --> 00:07:16,434
to just save the dithering...
154
00:07:16,435 --> 00:07:18,403
-Hey, hey, hey!
- Hey, we're friends.
155
00:07:18,404 --> 00:07:20,105
We've all got guns, Jim.
156
00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:22,374
We've all got guns,
I'm aware, mine's out.
157
00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:25,510
Circle up. Arm to shoulder,
shoulder to arm.
158
00:07:25,511 --> 00:07:27,012
Can I suggest
one thing?
159
00:07:27,013 --> 00:07:28,480
Let's look into
each other's eyes.
160
00:07:28,481 --> 00:07:31,316
- That's a good idea.
- My name is Trudy Weigel.
161
00:07:31,317 --> 00:07:35,153
And I did not take that coin.
162
00:07:35,154 --> 00:07:36,421
Tell-tale sign.
163
00:07:36,422 --> 00:07:37,889
She's blinking like a--
164
00:07:37,890 --> 00:07:39,558
If I had stolen this coin,
165
00:07:39,559 --> 00:07:41,126
do you think
I would have it here
166
00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:43,128
or do you think I might
have it at home,
167
00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:44,930
in my jewelry box,
on my dressing--
168
00:07:44,931 --> 00:07:47,399
Uh-uh, I'm sorry, Kimball,
you gotta check her cheeks.
169
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:50,001
I know Trudy. Squat down
so you can't be holding it.
170
00:07:50,002 --> 00:07:51,970
- No, don't--
- Cough. And cough at me.
171
00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:53,905
Let some air out.
172
00:07:53,906 --> 00:07:56,474
Jim, I did not take that coin.
173
00:07:56,475 --> 00:07:58,610
- Stand up! Okay.
-Oh, stop that.
174
00:07:58,611 --> 00:08:01,479
I'll tell you guys,
if you took the coin,
175
00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:04,584
put it on my desk by midnight...
176
00:08:06,185 --> 00:08:07,652
or I'll kill you all.
177
00:08:07,653 --> 00:08:09,221
I don't know if
the people over there heard
178
00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:11,357
but he said,
"Or I'll kill you all."
179
00:08:16,896 --> 00:08:20,098
{\an8}Check, check.
Operation Tortoise and the Hare.
180
00:08:20,099 --> 00:08:22,001
So we have had...
181
00:08:22,635 --> 00:08:26,204
a really disgusting
new trend in Nevada.
182
00:08:26,205 --> 00:08:28,341
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Which is people...
183
00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:32,043
buying turtles to eat.
184
00:08:32,044 --> 00:08:33,612
I don't know
if you saw the video...
185
00:08:33,613 --> 00:08:35,780
- No, don't.
- I don't wanna plug the video.
186
00:08:35,781 --> 00:08:38,583
Don't google
"Nevada turtle eater."
187
00:08:38,584 --> 00:08:41,920
Shit! Turtle dealer.
188
00:08:41,921 --> 00:08:45,258
Hey. Oh, wow!
189
00:08:47,126 --> 00:08:49,027
They smell interesting.
190
00:08:49,028 --> 00:08:51,663
- This is a rare kabuki...
- Yeah.
191
00:08:51,664 --> 00:08:53,031
...from Jeju-do Island.
192
00:08:53,032 --> 00:08:55,133
- Chejasho.
- Jeju-do Island.
193
00:08:55,134 --> 00:08:57,269
You only find the green
kabuki there.
194
00:08:57,270 --> 00:08:59,738
It's a honeymoon...
195
00:08:59,739 --> 00:09:01,006
You take one turtle--
196
00:09:01,007 --> 00:09:03,008
You eat the turtle
and make it... Boom!
197
00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:05,143
You eat the turtle,
and it makes you
198
00:09:05,144 --> 00:09:08,747
strong and steady, win the race.
199
00:09:08,748 --> 00:09:11,149
You know?
Not like a fast, dumb bunny.
200
00:09:11,150 --> 00:09:13,919
So let me get this straight.
201
00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:17,956
You're selling us
these turtles to eat.
202
00:09:17,957 --> 00:09:19,090
Is that correct?
203
00:09:19,091 --> 00:09:22,761
- Why don't you try the goods?
- Why don't you try it?
204
00:09:22,762 --> 00:09:25,297
Why don't--
- Johnny's gonna try the goods.
205
00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:29,434
Let me-- I'll just feel one.
That's a turtle.
206
00:09:29,435 --> 00:09:31,569
Are they worth all the money
that we're paying
207
00:09:31,570 --> 00:09:33,571
to have turtles to eat
here in Nevada?
208
00:09:33,572 --> 00:09:35,807
Don't be a pussy, take a bite!
209
00:09:35,808 --> 00:09:39,444
- I don't fucking care. Watch!
- Take them home and fry them.
210
00:09:39,445 --> 00:09:41,980
Watch, I don't fucking care!
Watch!
211
00:09:41,981 --> 00:09:44,250
Ooh!
212
00:09:45,284 --> 00:09:46,851
Here's what's weird.
213
00:09:46,852 --> 00:09:48,987
- It's kinda good.
- They're very good.
214
00:09:48,988 --> 00:09:52,123
Look, if you were to take this
and wrap it up in tin foil
215
00:09:52,124 --> 00:09:53,758
and grill it in butter.
216
00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:55,660
Are you supposed
to eat the shells?
217
00:09:55,661 --> 00:09:58,196
Because the shell is very
painful when you chew.
218
00:09:58,197 --> 00:09:59,664
- It cut.
- You chew, you chew.
219
00:09:59,665 --> 00:10:03,001
It's raw and it makes you
very virile inside.
220
00:10:03,002 --> 00:10:04,436
And stamina.
221
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:05,804
The kabuki makes us
have a boner.
222
00:10:05,805 --> 00:10:07,605
- I'm getting one. Yeah.
- Yeah, it does weirdly--
223
00:10:07,606 --> 00:10:09,140
That does feel...
- Okay.
224
00:10:09,141 --> 00:10:10,508
Ohh!
225
00:10:10,509 --> 00:10:12,510
God damn it,
their shell is really hard.
226
00:10:12,511 --> 00:10:13,945
I wore the wrong pants.
227
00:10:13,946 --> 00:10:15,747
Thank you so much
for the transaction.
228
00:10:15,748 --> 00:10:17,382
It was a pleasure
doing business with you.
229
00:10:17,383 --> 00:10:19,885
- Here's your money.
- Pleasure doing business.
230
00:10:20,586 --> 00:10:21,953
- Fish and Wildlife! Hands up!
- Oh, shit!
231
00:10:21,954 --> 00:10:23,855
You're violating
Endangered Species Act.
232
00:10:23,856 --> 00:10:25,323
Let's go, fuckfaces!
233
00:10:25,324 --> 00:10:27,625
Reno Sheriff's Department.
We're doing a sting.
234
00:10:27,626 --> 00:10:30,428
- Where the fuck are you from?
- We always do our stings here!
235
00:10:30,429 --> 00:10:31,629
We do stings here all the time.
236
00:10:31,630 --> 00:10:32,998
We're always
doing stings here.
237
00:10:32,999 --> 00:10:34,766
We're just busting
a lot of pedophiles here.
238
00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:36,101
We're doing this,
and then we're doing--
239
00:10:36,102 --> 00:10:37,335
A guy's gonna come here... yeah.
240
00:10:37,336 --> 00:10:38,670
Pedophile, pedophile,
pedophile,
241
00:10:38,671 --> 00:10:40,338
quick turtle break,
two more pedophiles.
242
00:10:40,339 --> 00:10:41,906
Honestly, this is kind of
the fun part of our day.
243
00:10:41,907 --> 00:10:44,175
And, actually, after you
get past the shell stuff,
244
00:10:44,176 --> 00:10:45,711
they tasted kinda good.
245
00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:56,756
{\an8}So my mom and I have been
getting along very well lately.
246
00:10:58,090 --> 00:11:02,994
I try and come visit her
every Thursday if I can
247
00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:06,664
because that was
her favorite day of the week.
248
00:11:06,665 --> 00:11:09,934
Her favorite color
is burnt sienna.
249
00:11:09,935 --> 00:11:14,139
But I keep telling her
that's not a real color.
250
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:16,975
But she's hard to argue with.
251
00:11:23,716 --> 00:11:26,719
Hey, baby. I'm sorry I'm late.
252
00:11:27,420 --> 00:11:30,622
Jason played his game,
which was great.
253
00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:32,891
He went two-for-four.
And he hit a double and he said,
254
00:11:32,892 --> 00:11:35,460
"That's one's for Mom."
-[sighs] Oh!
255
00:11:35,461 --> 00:11:38,264
Hi.
- Hi.
256
00:11:38,964 --> 00:11:40,332
How are you?
257
00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:42,200
Yeah. You know.
258
00:11:42,201 --> 00:11:43,803
Who are you visiting?
259
00:11:45,171 --> 00:11:46,838
Oh, um...
260
00:11:46,839 --> 00:11:47,873
That's my mom.
261
00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:50,642
- I'm sorry.
- Me, too. So sad.
262
00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:54,479
She just died in '98, so...
That was sad.
263
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:56,448
'98, that's some time ago.
264
00:11:56,449 --> 00:11:58,316
And you still come?
That's beautiful.
265
00:11:58,317 --> 00:12:00,518
- Every day.
- It was nice talking to you.
266
00:12:00,519 --> 00:12:04,857
Me, too. She was so...
267
00:12:07,159 --> 00:12:08,359
tall.
268
00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:10,762
You wanna, um...
- Talk to my wife? Yes.
269
00:12:10,763 --> 00:12:12,630
Real quick,
and then we'll catch up.
270
00:12:12,631 --> 00:12:15,400
So I'll just give you a second.
- I don't need to catch up.
271
00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:18,803
And, um, Joey,
he hit a double,
272
00:12:18,804 --> 00:12:21,206
and he got to second base,
he looked up--
273
00:12:21,207 --> 00:12:22,640
I'm sorry,
are you talking to me?
274
00:12:22,641 --> 00:12:24,909
I'm talking to my wife.
I'm talking to my wife.
275
00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:26,845
Oh, God, I do that
all the time.
276
00:12:26,846 --> 00:12:29,948
So, I won't disturb you,
I'll let you...
277
00:12:29,949 --> 00:12:31,549
I'll let you talk to her.
- Thank you.
278
00:12:31,550 --> 00:12:33,485
- You're very welcome.
- Family is so important.
279
00:12:33,486 --> 00:12:36,654
I think we should probably
both do that.
280
00:12:36,655 --> 00:12:38,189
Here's something that's great
281
00:12:38,190 --> 00:12:41,060
that probably is gonna
make you feel so much better.
282
00:12:42,128 --> 00:12:43,595
Okay.
283
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:46,431
Do you see that grave
right there next to my mom?
284
00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:47,600
Mmm-hmm.
285
00:12:48,033 --> 00:12:51,504
That's this guy.
So, good news!
286
00:12:52,204 --> 00:12:53,404
One of these days
287
00:12:53,405 --> 00:12:57,642
me and your wife
are gonna be besties.
288
00:12:57,643 --> 00:13:01,112
That almost makes us sisters,
in a weird way.
289
00:13:01,113 --> 00:13:02,480
Like soul sisters.
290
00:13:02,481 --> 00:13:03,915
And sometimes guys fall in love
291
00:13:03,916 --> 00:13:05,683
with one sister
and they're like,
292
00:13:05,684 --> 00:13:07,886
"Wait a second, I fell in love
with the wrong sister."
293
00:13:07,887 --> 00:13:09,754
It just happens sometimes,
I don't know.
294
00:13:09,755 --> 00:13:13,324
I read books about
all kinds of different things.
295
00:13:13,325 --> 00:13:15,895
It was so not nice
meeting you.
296
00:13:16,929 --> 00:13:18,397
I love you, honey.
297
00:13:20,366 --> 00:13:23,401
You can call 911 if you would
like to get a hold of me.
298
00:13:23,402 --> 00:13:24,870
I won't!
299
00:13:26,772 --> 00:13:28,673
But seriously,
please don't haunt me.
300
00:13:28,674 --> 00:13:30,341
My mom's a real cunt,
by the way.
301
00:13:30,342 --> 00:13:31,944
So good luck with her.
302
00:13:44,056 --> 00:13:47,058
Uh, Cindy, I'm getting--
Oh, this is awkward.
303
00:13:47,059 --> 00:13:50,161
There's a box coming.
There's gonna be a box...
304
00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:51,763
- Okay.
- And I use a funny--
305
00:13:51,764 --> 00:13:53,464
It's a funny name.
306
00:13:53,465 --> 00:13:57,502
Is "box" another word for...
something else?
307
00:13:59,271 --> 00:14:02,308
Can you tell
I'm wearing a diaper these days?
308
00:14:03,142 --> 00:14:04,542
They're cheaper if you get
a bunch of them.
309
00:14:04,543 --> 00:14:07,078
It's a very, very big box.
But it won't be heavy.
310
00:14:07,079 --> 00:14:09,147
Don't put another PA
'cause it's--
311
00:14:09,148 --> 00:14:10,381
I'm gonna make a--
312
00:14:10,382 --> 00:14:12,183
But you can't tell at all, right?
313
00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:14,552
Officer Dangle,
your diapers have arrived.
314
00:14:14,553 --> 00:14:16,154
Officer Dangle,
your diapers have arrived.
315
00:14:16,155 --> 00:14:17,690
Damn it! Fuck it!
316
00:14:18,257 --> 00:14:20,358
You gotta be a little bit ahead
of the curve around here.
317
00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:22,194
I think a little late
on that one.
318
00:14:26,398 --> 00:14:28,633
{\an8}Clemmie, you wanna
get this set up?
319
00:14:28,634 --> 00:14:30,168
{\an8}The camera's turned off.
320
00:14:30,169 --> 00:14:33,171
{\an8}Yeah, uh, so, this year,
we can't go to Burning Man
321
00:14:33,172 --> 00:14:34,973
'cause it's not happening
in person,
322
00:14:34,974 --> 00:14:37,575
and, you know,
blend in undercover
323
00:14:37,576 --> 00:14:39,978
to catch people
doing illicit activities.
324
00:14:39,979 --> 00:14:45,250
So we're going
undercover on-- "Virtually."
325
00:14:45,251 --> 00:14:46,718
Is that how they say it?
- Sure.
326
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,620
We're only looking for drugs.
327
00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:51,623
- Oh! People are showing up.
- Oh, okay.
328
00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:53,157
Hello, ladies.
329
00:14:53,158 --> 00:14:57,528
-Hey!
- Hey, Burner.
330
00:14:57,529 --> 00:14:59,731
You're having a good
Burning Man?
331
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:03,434
- Yeah, I'm super stoned.
- It's so enlightening.
332
00:15:03,435 --> 00:15:05,603
I really wish I could be there
riding a bike
333
00:15:05,604 --> 00:15:07,005
naked from the waist down.
334
00:15:07,006 --> 00:15:09,107
Speaking of LSD...
335
00:15:09,108 --> 00:15:11,342
- Yeah, speaking of.
- What about it?
336
00:15:11,343 --> 00:15:13,911
- Speak, speak!
-You guys interested?
337
00:15:13,912 --> 00:15:15,813
I'm open for business.
338
00:15:15,814 --> 00:15:17,882
- Yes.
- Fantastic!
339
00:15:17,883 --> 00:15:19,250
How much for those drugs?
340
00:15:19,251 --> 00:15:21,919
And should we Venmo you?
Or how do we do this?
341
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:23,388
I love drugs.
342
00:15:23,389 --> 00:15:24,722
Why don't you come
to my place?
343
00:15:24,723 --> 00:15:26,024
I'm here right now.
- Great.
344
00:15:26,025 --> 00:15:28,760
I'm in Tallahassee, Florida.
345
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,428
Oh, wow!
346
00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:33,031
- That's really far.
- That's really far.
347
00:15:33,032 --> 00:15:34,766
Can we mute you
for just a second?
348
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:36,402
We all need to fart.
349
00:15:37,303 --> 00:15:38,903
- I don't have to.
- Here's the thing.
350
00:15:38,904 --> 00:15:40,338
She's just lying.
351
00:15:40,339 --> 00:15:42,241
Here's what we're gonna do...
352
00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:45,910
- Oh!
-Hello!
353
00:15:45,911 --> 00:15:47,879
I'm Milosh, the snake man.
354
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:49,982
Hi, Milosh.
355
00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:55,820
I got tattooed
on the whites of my eyeballs.
356
00:15:57,323 --> 00:15:59,691
- Yeah.
-Oh, y eah. Yeah.
357
00:15:59,692 --> 00:16:01,993
- That's a good idea.
-You guys wanna see
358
00:16:01,994 --> 00:16:04,062
my... my penis?
359
00:16:04,063 --> 00:16:06,531
Uh, I do if it's
in Washoe County.
360
00:16:06,532 --> 00:16:08,333
Check out this part,
I call it Cyclops.
361
00:16:08,334 --> 00:16:11,169
-
- Okay! Okay.
362
00:16:11,170 --> 00:16:14,272
- How did you get that in there?
-Uh, it's easy.
363
00:16:14,273 --> 00:16:15,973
You put one glass eyeball in,
364
00:16:15,974 --> 00:16:17,842
you turn around,
you go "Cyclops!"
365
00:16:17,843 --> 00:16:19,811
- Hey, that's very clever.
- That's good, that's festive.
366
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:22,547
The best thing for me
is while I am a supplier,
367
00:16:22,548 --> 00:16:25,216
I'm drug-free
for the last 35 years.
368
00:16:25,217 --> 00:16:27,286
- Okay, bye.
- Thank you.
369
00:16:37,029 --> 00:16:38,563
{\an8}Good morning, Reno.
370
00:16:38,564 --> 00:16:41,199
{\an8}I'm Deputy Travis Jr. from
the Reno Sheriff's Department.
371
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:44,636
{\an8}When I think bass-- Back.
Back, when I think back.
372
00:16:45,337 --> 00:16:46,804
{\an8}Go again, go again.
-Action!
373
00:16:46,805 --> 00:16:49,340
{\an8}Good morning, Reno.
I'm Deputy Travis Jr.
374
00:16:49,341 --> 00:16:51,242
{\an8}from the Reno--
-Cut.
375
00:16:51,243 --> 00:16:53,511
{\an8}Good morning, Reno.
Shit!
376
00:16:53,512 --> 00:16:56,048
{\an8}-Rolling.
- Sorry.
377
00:16:57,149 --> 00:16:59,550
{\an8}Washoe County-- Fuck it! Fuck!
378
00:16:59,551 --> 00:17:02,553
Good morning, Reno.
I'm not-- What?
379
00:17:02,554 --> 00:17:05,857
My name's not Mark, fuckhead.
-Place marker.
380
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,759
"Mark."
Say "stand on the tape."
381
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,328
{\an8}Action!
382
00:17:10,195 --> 00:17:12,698
{\an8}Good morning, Deputy Junior--
Fuck it!
383
00:17:13,432 --> 00:17:15,800
Fuck!
- Okay. You're done. Let's go.
384
00:17:15,801 --> 00:17:18,469
We're still rolling, right?
We're good?
385
00:17:18,470 --> 00:17:21,373
{\an8}-And action!
- Oh!
386
00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:23,941
{\an8}I didn't see you there. Hi!
387
00:17:23,942 --> 00:17:27,044
{\an8}I'm Deputy Jones from the Reno
Sheriff's Department.
388
00:17:27,045 --> 00:17:30,182
{\an8}Good morning.
And when I eat ass-- Fuck!
389
00:17:34,653 --> 00:17:37,455
Hey, pretty ladies,
I'm Dreamcatcher.
390
00:17:37,456 --> 00:17:40,925
-Hey, Dreamcatcher.
- Hey, catch.
391
00:17:40,926 --> 00:17:42,960
- I like your chaps.
-Thanks very much.
392
00:17:42,961 --> 00:17:45,163
You guys wanna see my dick
for a little while?
393
00:17:45,164 --> 00:17:47,732
- Yes.
-Here we go.
394
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:50,034
Do you have any drugs
you could put on your dick?
395
00:17:50,035 --> 00:17:52,904
Are those googly eyes that you
put on the end of your penis?
396
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:55,072
Well, it's painted.
I painted it for the Burn.
397
00:17:55,073 --> 00:17:56,541
This is actually--
I've painted it
398
00:17:56,542 --> 00:17:58,709
as a representation
of my spirit animal.
399
00:17:58,710 --> 00:18:00,812
- What's your spirit animal?
-It's a panda bear.
400
00:18:00,813 --> 00:18:02,713
Can you tell?
- I thought it was a gopher.
401
00:18:02,714 --> 00:18:04,315
No, if you look
at my balls, you can tell.
402
00:18:04,316 --> 00:18:05,783
No, it's totally a panda.
403
00:18:05,784 --> 00:18:07,351
You know, I feel like
404
00:18:07,352 --> 00:18:09,086
we gotta bring
the spirit of the Burn.
405
00:18:09,087 --> 00:18:10,655
- Totally.
- A hundred percent.
406
00:18:10,656 --> 00:18:13,925
I can't wait to watch an adult
human person burn on fire.
407
00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:15,460
Oh, that's-- Wow...
408
00:18:15,461 --> 00:18:17,061
That's so not
the spirit of the Burn, but...
409
00:18:17,062 --> 00:18:19,664
You guys want to do some drugs
and have them?
410
00:18:19,665 --> 00:18:21,666
- Oh, yeah!
- I would love to do some drugs.
411
00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:23,401
- That we pay for.
- And have them.
412
00:18:23,402 --> 00:18:25,036
What are you guys looking for?
413
00:18:25,037 --> 00:18:27,673
- Um...
- I love to toke on weed.
414
00:18:28,340 --> 00:18:30,975
-That's fully legal--
- Totally legal.
415
00:18:30,976 --> 00:18:33,377
- Oh, here. Hi.
-Hey!
416
00:18:33,378 --> 00:18:35,880
- Hi, I'm Trudy--
-What's up, girls?
417
00:18:35,881 --> 00:18:37,982
Ooh! Look at you!
418
00:18:37,983 --> 00:18:39,283
Fabulous!
419
00:18:39,284 --> 00:18:43,020
Look, I'm a...
I look like a butterfly.
420
00:18:43,021 --> 00:18:44,689
But I'm not,
I'm just really a person.
421
00:18:44,690 --> 00:18:46,691
You're just a person
that looks like one!
422
00:18:46,692 --> 00:18:49,026
- Burning Man!
-Burning Man!
423
00:18:49,027 --> 00:18:50,661
Burning Man!
So what's going on?
424
00:18:50,662 --> 00:18:52,129
- Are you burning?
-Wait, what?
425
00:18:52,130 --> 00:18:54,665
Are you burning
some drugs on a spoon?
426
00:18:54,666 --> 00:18:58,836
Your computer's
old as fuck! I can't--
427
00:18:58,837 --> 00:19:00,404
Hold on, one second.
428
00:19:00,405 --> 00:19:03,374
These people are-- I can't take
these people anymore.
429
00:19:04,943 --> 00:19:06,978
Look,
before we get started.
430
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:10,147
I've been wasting
my fucking time with people.
431
00:19:10,148 --> 00:19:12,250
I'm in Reno, Nevada,
432
00:19:12,251 --> 00:19:14,819
and I'm looking
to get some drugs.
433
00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:16,521
Normally I work
in a police department,
434
00:19:16,522 --> 00:19:18,055
and I can just
go in the evidence room
435
00:19:18,056 --> 00:19:19,590
and I can get myself some weed.
436
00:19:19,591 --> 00:19:22,727
- Declan?
- And everybody-- What?
437
00:19:22,728 --> 00:19:24,295
Is that you, Declan?
438
00:19:24,296 --> 00:19:26,898
- Declan?
- What the fuck?
439
00:19:26,899 --> 00:19:30,301
God damn it!
- Listen, this stays between us.
440
00:19:30,302 --> 00:19:31,802
- You wanna see my dick?
- No!
441
00:19:31,803 --> 00:19:34,206
- No, thank you.
- All right, I'm gone.
442
00:19:46,652 --> 00:19:49,153
- Lieutenant?
- Yes.
443
00:19:49,154 --> 00:19:51,188
- Lieutenant Cutie Pie?
- Yeah?
444
00:19:51,189 --> 00:19:54,358
I did something bad
but I wanna confess.
445
00:19:54,359 --> 00:19:55,627
Mmm-hmm.
446
00:19:56,194 --> 00:19:58,930
I took your coin...
on your desk.
447
00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:01,799
But I'm putting it back.
Your Pencey coin.
448
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,869
I'm bringing it back, okay?
449
00:20:04,970 --> 00:20:06,537
Okay. That's it.
- Bye.
450
00:20:06,538 --> 00:20:08,839
Thank you.
- Okay. You know what?
451
00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:11,977
I feel good about that.
I told you the truth.
452
00:20:16,381 --> 00:20:17,716
Cindy?
453
00:20:19,484 --> 00:20:21,652
Cindy! Come back!
- What?
454
00:20:21,653 --> 00:20:22,954
You don't realize, Cindy!
455
00:20:22,955 --> 00:20:25,089
- I said I'm sorry.
- You did it!
456
00:20:25,090 --> 00:20:26,891
You did it!
- I did it but I--
457
00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:28,859
No, Cindy, you're the one.
458
00:20:28,860 --> 00:20:30,461
You passed the test.
459
00:20:30,462 --> 00:20:34,332
I had 11 of these coins made.
460
00:20:34,333 --> 00:20:36,200
Everybody fucking stole one.
461
00:20:36,201 --> 00:20:39,837
You're the only one
who brought it back.
462
00:20:39,838 --> 00:20:41,339
It's yours.
463
00:20:41,340 --> 00:20:43,008
It's all yours.
464
00:20:43,775 --> 00:20:46,477
All of it.
- What? "All" what?
465
00:20:46,478 --> 00:20:50,047
- These are yours now.
- Oh, honey, I didn't know you--
466
00:20:50,048 --> 00:20:51,949
Wait, no,
you don't understand.
467
00:20:51,950 --> 00:20:53,718
- Uh-uh.
- This is just symbolic.
468
00:20:53,719 --> 00:20:57,054
These are yours now.
- Your shorts?
469
00:20:57,055 --> 00:20:59,190
You're me.
You get to be me now.
470
00:20:59,191 --> 00:21:02,059
And no one deserves it
except for you.
471
00:21:02,060 --> 00:21:03,628
- Okay.
- It's yours.
472
00:21:03,629 --> 00:21:05,596
- How much does it pay?
- My job?
473
00:21:05,597 --> 00:21:06,998
Yeah.
474
00:21:06,999 --> 00:21:08,699
The richest pageantry of a life.
475
00:21:08,700 --> 00:21:12,436
- Yeah, how much, in dollars?
- $19,500... [stutters] a year.
476
00:21:12,437 --> 00:21:13,638
- A year?
- Yeah.
477
00:21:13,639 --> 00:21:14,972
Let's put these back on.
478
00:21:14,973 --> 00:21:16,041
We need you to put it back on
right now.
36108
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