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1
00:00:10,343 --> 00:00:12,211
You know, I guess
they rescued a bear,
2
00:00:12,212 --> 00:00:14,546
and guess some Hells Angels
up in Meth Country
3
00:00:14,547 --> 00:00:15,848
had this poor little guy in here
4
00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:17,316
{\an8}and, uh,
we're going to take him in.
5
00:00:17,317 --> 00:00:20,219
{\an8}He's going to be like
the station mascot.
6
00:00:20,220 --> 00:00:22,054
{\an8}Teddy the crime bear.
- Teddy!
7
00:00:22,055 --> 00:00:23,922
{\an8}Hey, how you doing, huh?
Wait. Shh. Don't scare him.
8
00:00:25,258 --> 00:00:26,658
Don't scare it,
don't scare it.
9
00:00:26,659 --> 00:00:28,093
Hey. Hey.
10
00:00:28,094 --> 00:00:29,328
We'll see if we can get him
to come out here.
11
00:00:29,329 --> 00:00:31,664
Hey. How you doing?
12
00:00:32,098 --> 00:00:35,000
You want a granola bar?
You want a granola bar?
13
00:00:35,001 --> 00:00:37,102
You... Ow!
14
00:00:37,103 --> 00:00:39,772
Rizzo! Quick!
Pepper spray, pepper spray!
15
00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:41,273
Pepper spray! Pepper spray!
16
00:00:43,843 --> 00:00:45,577
- Oh, shit.
- Aah!
17
00:00:45,578 --> 00:00:47,179
I missed it. Like, I--
18
00:00:47,180 --> 00:00:54,019
I told him
not to do that shit.
19
00:01:06,232 --> 00:01:07,500
{\an8}Oh, my God!
20
00:01:23,283 --> 00:01:25,184
-Good morning, gang.
- Morning.
21
00:01:27,253 --> 00:01:29,154
Either a banner-day
or a dark day
22
00:01:29,155 --> 00:01:30,556
here at the Reno
Sheriff's Department,
23
00:01:30,557 --> 00:01:33,158
we've, uh, finally
gotten notification
24
00:01:33,159 --> 00:01:34,793
from the brass on high
25
00:01:34,794 --> 00:01:38,530
that, um... Trudy Wiegel,
nincompoop,
26
00:01:38,531 --> 00:01:40,365
functionally retarded
adult woman
27
00:01:40,366 --> 00:01:43,001
who's been with us
for years, uh,
28
00:01:43,002 --> 00:01:44,803
has been, I-I think...
29
00:01:44,804 --> 00:01:47,272
I-I-I didn't see... Did you...
Who saw the original fax?
30
00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:48,974
No, we just know
there's news coming...
31
00:01:48,975 --> 00:01:50,609
- Oh, I thought it was official.
-For the change--
32
00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:52,611
It's gotta be official.
She gotta be fired.
33
00:01:52,612 --> 00:01:55,582
Seems like... Seems like
a sharp knife cuts clean.
34
00:01:56,182 --> 00:01:59,284
Sayonara, Trudy. So we're
just trying to make it nice.
35
00:01:59,285 --> 00:02:00,552
Bon voyage.
36
00:02:00,553 --> 00:02:02,120
- Yeah. Literally.
- Let her go.
37
00:02:02,121 --> 00:02:03,689
Yeah.
38
00:02:03,690 --> 00:02:05,924
A good day for her
is rolling on her mom's grave.
39
00:02:05,925 --> 00:02:07,259
So we're trying to make it nice.
40
00:02:07,260 --> 00:02:09,361
- Yeah.
-Here she is. Here she is.
41
00:02:11,197 --> 00:02:12,364
- Hey, hey.
- Surprise.
42
00:02:12,365 --> 00:02:13,465
Surprise.
43
00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:15,667
Oh, my God.
44
00:02:15,668 --> 00:02:16,969
Welcome aboard.
45
00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:18,971
- Uh...
- Guys...
46
00:02:20,507 --> 00:02:23,308
Oh, my God. I can't believe
this is happening.
47
00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:26,411
So they told you
that I was made sergeant?
48
00:02:29,182 --> 00:02:30,415
Yes.
49
00:02:30,416 --> 00:02:33,085
And this is
a surprise party for me.
50
00:02:33,086 --> 00:02:34,820
- Hey. We got you hot dogs.
- All your favorites.
51
00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:36,255
We got you pez.
52
00:02:36,256 --> 00:02:37,689
-Oh, my God!
- We decorated like Christmas
53
00:02:37,690 --> 00:02:39,758
'cause we know
you like Christmas.
54
00:02:39,759 --> 00:02:42,828
♪ For She's a Jolly Good Fellow
For She's a Jolly Good Fellow ♪
55
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:45,664
♪ For She's a Jolly
Good Fellow ♪
56
00:02:45,665 --> 00:02:47,266
Oh!
57
00:02:47,267 --> 00:02:49,468
- ♪ And so say all of us ♪
- ♪ And nobody can deny ♪
58
00:02:50,937 --> 00:02:53,605
- Those are all for you, Trudy.
- Chocolate pez.
59
00:02:53,606 --> 00:02:55,274
Do you have a napkin I can...
60
00:02:55,275 --> 00:02:58,143
- Oh! Ooo! Oh, oh!
-Aww!
61
00:02:58,144 --> 00:02:59,945
- We've always admired you.
-That was pretty.
62
00:02:59,946 --> 00:03:01,480
We knew this was coming.
63
00:03:01,481 --> 00:03:02,681
- There you go.
- Oh!
64
00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:03,849
There you go.
65
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:05,517
We also want to
present you with
66
00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:07,753
all the money
in the racist, um, commenter.
67
00:03:07,754 --> 00:03:09,521
Well, we want to give you back
all that.
68
00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:11,023
It was your money.
69
00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:13,225
- Racist free fund.
- You're glowin' today.
70
00:03:13,226 --> 00:03:15,928
I've always... I've always
been jealous of you, Wiegel.
71
00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:17,930
- Would you like to put...
- Wow...
72
00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:19,464
Would you like us to put some
pez on your hot dogs for you?
73
00:03:19,465 --> 00:03:20,933
- I sure would.
- Sure, sure. Yeah.
74
00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:22,234
- Hey, Wiegel--
- Then we'll go to the lido deck
75
00:03:22,235 --> 00:03:23,402
for some shuffleboard.
76
00:03:23,403 --> 00:03:24,770
- Yeah.
- Oh, my.
77
00:03:24,771 --> 00:03:27,172
This is the greatest day
of my entire life.
78
00:03:27,173 --> 00:03:29,274
And you know who
our guest stars are today?
79
00:03:29,275 --> 00:03:33,312
Adrienne Barbeau, Robert Stack,
and the Village People.
80
00:03:36,916 --> 00:03:38,183
I love you all.
81
00:03:38,184 --> 00:03:40,485
- And we love you.
- And we love you, Trudy.
82
00:03:40,486 --> 00:03:41,820
We love you.
83
00:03:41,821 --> 00:03:43,155
You're the prettiest.
84
00:03:43,156 --> 00:03:45,123
- Take it.
- We love you.
85
00:03:45,124 --> 00:03:47,859
Oh, shit. She's stroking out.
She's stroking out.
86
00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:50,062
We're losing her!
87
00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:51,263
Aaah!
88
00:03:51,264 --> 00:03:52,998
Oh, no! Oh, no!
89
00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:57,070
Ugh.
90
00:03:58,771 --> 00:04:00,306
Are we interrupting you?
91
00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:02,341
- Mm?
-Um...
92
00:04:02,342 --> 00:04:04,743
Hrarr Manoogian is going to need
to be transferred to...
93
00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:06,178
-Got it.
-RCA.
94
00:04:06,179 --> 00:04:07,279
You didn't hear what I said?
95
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:08,381
-Jim?
- Yeah.
96
00:04:08,615 --> 00:04:12,050
Did I miss, um,
shuffleboard or...
97
00:04:12,051 --> 00:04:13,585
No, I'm just saying words.
98
00:04:13,586 --> 00:04:14,886
Words are just
coming out of my mouth.
99
00:04:14,887 --> 00:04:16,955
I'm awake in here
and ready to work.
100
00:04:16,956 --> 00:04:18,190
What happened?
101
00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:19,826
- Shuffleboard?
- Trudy, did you p...
102
00:04:20,426 --> 00:04:21,927
Did you go make a pee?
- A little bit.
103
00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:24,830
When the diaper gets full,
you got to change it.
104
00:04:26,232 --> 00:04:27,966
See, now you're
choosing to pee with it...
105
00:04:27,967 --> 00:04:29,535
That's... You're just...
That's just letting loose.
106
00:04:36,275 --> 00:04:37,576
{\an8}Wow.
107
00:04:37,577 --> 00:04:38,910
{\an8}Well, well, well,
well, well, well, well.
108
00:04:38,911 --> 00:04:40,612
{\an8}Whoa! Whoa-ho, whoa-ho. Whoa!
109
00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:42,180
- No, sir!
- Whoa.
110
00:04:42,181 --> 00:04:43,415
- Nope.
- No.
111
00:04:43,416 --> 00:04:45,484
- How old are you, bro?
- Eleven.
112
00:04:45,485 --> 00:04:47,653
- You're 11 years old?
- Yes, sir.
113
00:04:47,654 --> 00:04:48,587
You see something wrong
with this?
114
00:04:48,588 --> 00:04:49,988
I do. I do.
115
00:04:49,989 --> 00:04:51,189
I see something wrong
with this, too.
116
00:04:51,190 --> 00:04:52,891
Red flag.
117
00:04:52,892 --> 00:04:54,326
First of all, thanks for
being out. We do appreciate it.
118
00:04:54,327 --> 00:04:55,627
Yeah, do you want
some water
119
00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:56,895
or anything?
- Want water or anything?
120
00:04:56,896 --> 00:04:58,430
We're not supposed
to thank you,
121
00:04:58,431 --> 00:04:59,598
but... but obviously,
we thank you.
122
00:04:59,599 --> 00:05:01,233
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
123
00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:02,768
And you know what I'd never,
ever want to see again,
124
00:05:02,769 --> 00:05:04,503
in this town
or in this great state?
125
00:05:06,372 --> 00:05:07,472
What is that bullshit?
126
00:05:07,473 --> 00:05:08,574
First of all you got to be...
127
00:05:09,008 --> 00:05:10,575
- Twenty-one.
- ...21 to smoke,
128
00:05:10,576 --> 00:05:11,811
and second of all, you gotta--
you got one?
129
00:05:12,178 --> 00:05:14,980
Once you become, you become a...
- I don't. I don't.
130
00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:16,381
I got you.
131
00:05:16,382 --> 00:05:19,184
Once you get this monkey
on your back, it does not, um...
132
00:05:19,185 --> 00:05:20,886
Sweet gun, by the way.
133
00:05:20,887 --> 00:05:22,387
It's ver-- It's a pretty
nice-- That's a... That's a AK.
134
00:05:22,388 --> 00:05:23,722
- Yeah, AK-47.
- And then, um,
135
00:05:23,723 --> 00:05:25,090
you wake up
and you want a cigarette.
136
00:05:25,091 --> 00:05:26,692
You go to sleep
and you want a cigarette.
137
00:05:26,693 --> 00:05:28,026
- You turn the gas up on it.
- I gotta--
138
00:05:28,027 --> 00:05:30,863
You know that's
a real grenade, right?
139
00:05:32,498 --> 00:05:33,733
Fuck it!
140
00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:35,033
Shit!
141
00:05:42,208 --> 00:05:43,875
Car's okay. Phew.
142
00:05:43,876 --> 00:05:46,211
- Thank you for your service.
- Thank you for your service.
143
00:05:46,212 --> 00:05:47,612
Yeah.
144
00:05:47,613 --> 00:05:49,247
You're sure you don't want
a water anything?
145
00:05:49,248 --> 00:05:50,650
You all right? Okay.
146
00:05:50,917 --> 00:05:52,218
Oh, there's a lighter
in the car.
147
00:05:57,690 --> 00:06:00,192
{\an8}- What a red-letter day.
- Whoo!
148
00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:01,860
{\an8}Yeah!
149
00:06:01,861 --> 00:06:04,029
{\an8}It's a brisk 109 degrees
up here in the Truckee Pass,
150
00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:06,298
{\an8}and we are having
our first annual...
151
00:06:07,433 --> 00:06:08,734
{\an8}If there's one thing we hate,
152
00:06:08,735 --> 00:06:10,669
{\an8}it's motherfucking lupus.
- Yup.
153
00:06:10,670 --> 00:06:12,104
{\an8}- Yeah.
- Fuck you, lupus.
154
00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:13,905
{\an8}We've invited a...
a bunch of the other, uh,
155
00:06:13,906 --> 00:06:16,475
{\an8}law enforcement agencies
in the region. Uh, I think...
156
00:06:16,476 --> 00:06:19,478
{\an8}- Sparks is running late. Yeah.
- Sparks is running late.
157
00:06:19,479 --> 00:06:21,079
{\an8}Truckee's, uh...
Truckee's en route.
158
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:24,183
{\an8}I've been sending a-aggressive
letters to all of them,
159
00:06:24,417 --> 00:06:26,218
{\an8}so be ready...
- Oh, holy shit.
160
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:28,787
Oh! Fuck. Hatzolah. Hatzolah.
161
00:06:28,788 --> 00:06:31,257
Oh, it's the Jewish police.
Oh... Oh, shit.
162
00:06:31,657 --> 00:06:33,825
Hey, we are Hatzolah.
163
00:06:33,826 --> 00:06:35,927
-Hey.
-Hey, guys.
164
00:06:35,928 --> 00:06:37,896
- Ah, yes. I'm very good.
- How you doing?
165
00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:39,798
Hey, great to see you.
- It's good to see you, too.
166
00:06:39,799 --> 00:06:41,099
Hi, how are you? Yeah.
167
00:06:41,100 --> 00:06:43,702
Jim, we are
the Jewish Super Police.
168
00:06:43,703 --> 00:06:45,937
Yes, yes. You're gonna do
the fun fair with us.
169
00:06:45,938 --> 00:06:47,239
Yes. We're going
to win these games.
170
00:06:48,975 --> 00:06:51,042
That was fighting words,
Hatzolah.
171
00:06:52,612 --> 00:06:53,979
The only bad guy here, I think,
172
00:06:53,980 --> 00:06:56,281
if we all remember right
is, uh...
173
00:06:56,282 --> 00:06:58,750
No, just give it.
It's... It's safer. It's safer.
174
00:06:58,751 --> 00:07:02,554
The only bad guy here is...
- You guys.
175
00:07:02,555 --> 00:07:03,889
-No. Lupus.
-Lupus.
176
00:07:03,890 --> 00:07:05,390
-Lupus.
-Lupus.
177
00:07:05,391 --> 00:07:08,094
Do you guys hate lupus
as much as you hate Jesus?
178
00:07:09,428 --> 00:07:11,296
Okay, so we're going
to do this or what? Good.
179
00:07:11,297 --> 00:07:12,731
We're gonna have a great one.
Oh, hey. We're gonna do it.
180
00:07:12,732 --> 00:07:14,332
- Good.
- And may the best...
181
00:07:14,333 --> 00:07:16,134
I was gonna say religion.
That was super weird.
182
00:07:16,135 --> 00:07:17,936
- Super weird.
- May the best...
183
00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:20,906
No. May the only loser
by lunchtime be...
184
00:07:20,907 --> 00:07:23,074
-Lupus.
- You guys.
185
00:07:23,075 --> 00:07:24,676
- Let's do it, guys.
- Come on, guys.
186
00:07:24,677 --> 00:07:26,011
Let's do it. Let's do it.
187
00:07:26,012 --> 00:07:27,747
You're gonna
have to wander...
188
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:29,514
You may not be
in a legal parking spot...
189
00:07:29,515 --> 00:07:30,549
RSD, RSD.
190
00:07:30,550 --> 00:07:32,051
We got one shot at this.
191
00:07:32,652 --> 00:07:34,052
I vote we wow 'em
with the dance.
192
00:07:34,053 --> 00:07:35,821
- No. Please. Please, no.
- Come on, man.
193
00:07:35,822 --> 00:07:37,756
Five, six, seven, eight.
194
00:07:37,757 --> 00:07:39,925
♪ Yes, we do, yes, we care ♪
195
00:07:39,926 --> 00:07:41,927
♪ Reno Law Enforcement
Fun Fair ♪
196
00:07:41,928 --> 00:07:43,962
♪ Yes, we do, yes, we care ♪
197
00:07:43,963 --> 00:07:46,031
♪ Reno Law Enforcement
Fun Fair ♪
198
00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:55,273
- Back the fuck up, because...
- Back it up, guys. Back it up.
199
00:07:55,274 --> 00:07:57,008
We're going to have
a lot of fun.
200
00:07:57,009 --> 00:07:58,810
Okay, ready for potato sack?
-Yeah, yeah.
201
00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:01,214
- Ready for potato sack race?
-Potato sack. Yay!
202
00:08:01,914 --> 00:08:03,748
- Okay.
-Can we, can we get up?
203
00:08:03,749 --> 00:08:05,284
Yeah, get up.
Let's have some fun.
204
00:08:17,096 --> 00:08:20,465
{\an8}Hello, it's your friends at
the Reno Sheriff's Department.
205
00:08:20,466 --> 00:08:22,701
{\an8}You've probably heard
on social media
206
00:08:22,702 --> 00:08:24,102
{\an8}that we recently found
207
00:08:24,103 --> 00:08:26,671
{\an8}a necklace made from
humongous horse penises.
208
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:29,774
{\an8}In reality, we didn't find
this bizarre piece
209
00:08:29,775 --> 00:08:31,643
{\an8}of nightmarish jewelry, no.
210
00:08:31,644 --> 00:08:33,378
{\an8}Someone mailed it to us.
211
00:08:33,379 --> 00:08:35,113
{\an8}And to be
completely transparent,
212
00:08:35,114 --> 00:08:36,648
{\an8}as is our new policy,
213
00:08:36,649 --> 00:08:40,118
{\an8}someone actually mailed us
two of these necklaces
214
00:08:40,119 --> 00:08:43,788
{\an8}made from dried up...
humongous horse penises.
215
00:08:43,789 --> 00:08:47,260
{\an8}At first [chuckles] we thought
it was some kind of knackwurst,
216
00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:49,427
{\an8}or Oktoberfest sausages,
217
00:08:49,428 --> 00:08:52,764
{\an8}dried and fashioned with
some turquoise detailing,
218
00:08:52,765 --> 00:08:54,333
{\an8}but on closer inspection...
219
00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:57,002
{\an8}nope.
220
00:08:57,003 --> 00:08:58,603
{\an8}Why were the names
of so many of our deputies,
221
00:08:58,604 --> 00:08:59,871
{\an8}my own included,
222
00:08:59,872 --> 00:09:02,941
{\an8}engraved onto these
dried horse penises?
223
00:09:02,942 --> 00:09:04,476
{\an8}It seems kind of like voodoo,
224
00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:07,245
{\an8}or maybe a threat,
or possibly both.
225
00:09:07,246 --> 00:09:08,847
{\an8}It's, uh... It's distressing.
226
00:09:08,848 --> 00:09:11,783
{\an8}So, if you or anyone you know
or anyone you've seen
227
00:09:11,784 --> 00:09:14,319
{\an8}or even a mysterious drifter
or someone down the block
228
00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:16,788
{\an8}that you suspect might have done
something like this,
229
00:09:16,789 --> 00:09:20,191
{\an8}why not take a couple seconds
and drop an email
230
00:09:20,192 --> 00:09:22,361
{\an8}to humongoushorsepenisinfo
231
00:09:22,628 --> 00:09:25,430
{\an8}@renosheriffsdepartment.org?
232
00:09:25,431 --> 00:09:27,733
{\an8}We would love...
233
00:09:28,534 --> 00:09:29,502
{\an8}...to hear from you.
234
00:09:29,869 --> 00:09:30,770
{\an8}For reals.
235
00:09:38,778 --> 00:09:39,811
Cindy.
236
00:09:39,812 --> 00:09:41,079
- Hey, boo.
- Nice. Thank you.
237
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,348
Can I ask you something?
238
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:45,584
Did you change the password
to get into the computer?
239
00:09:45,851 --> 00:09:48,420
- Of course I did.
- And what did you change it to?
240
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:49,688
Okay, come on. Sit down.
241
00:09:49,689 --> 00:09:51,256
Log into your account.
- Okay.
242
00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:52,758
First letter is "V."
243
00:09:54,393 --> 00:09:56,796
- "B" as in boy?
- "V" as in Victor.
244
00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:58,396
Okay.
- "V" as in Victor.
245
00:09:58,397 --> 00:09:59,698
The number "2" and "3."
246
00:09:59,699 --> 00:10:01,667
- "2" and "3."
- And then "B."
247
00:10:03,302 --> 00:10:04,971
- "D" as in...
- "B" as in boy.
248
00:10:05,237 --> 00:10:06,771
- "B" as in boy.
- Okay.
249
00:10:06,772 --> 00:10:08,173
And then, ready? This is
the easy part. Are you ready?
250
00:10:11,310 --> 00:10:13,478
- "W"...
- In Chinese, honey.
251
00:10:13,479 --> 00:10:15,880
You need to use... change it
to international keyboard.
252
00:10:15,881 --> 00:10:19,651
- Ctrl, alt, del, num lock.
- Cont... Ctrl...
253
00:10:19,652 --> 00:10:20,819
Okay.
254
00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:22,755
So I just won't use
the computers.
255
00:10:23,189 --> 00:10:24,356
You have to learn.
Everyone here
256
00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:25,790
knows how to speak
Chinese already.
257
00:10:25,791 --> 00:10:27,092
Nobody here knows
how to speak Chinese.
258
00:10:27,093 --> 00:10:28,994
Garcia don't even speak Spanish.
259
00:10:28,995 --> 00:10:30,862
Cindy...
260
00:10:30,863 --> 00:10:33,566
Oh, Jonesy...
261
00:10:36,602 --> 00:10:38,370
Uh-how!
262
00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:40,372
Okay, so who... what was it?
"Wo-ha-nee?"
263
00:10:40,373 --> 00:10:41,574
Yeah. You got.
264
00:10:45,878 --> 00:10:47,212
{\an8}-Prrrrrr...
-♪ We got spirit ♪
265
00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:48,546
{\an8}♪ Yes, we do ♪
266
00:10:48,547 --> 00:10:50,382
{\an8}♪ We got spirit
How about you? ♪
267
00:10:50,383 --> 00:10:52,917
♪ We got spirit, yes, we do ♪
268
00:10:52,918 --> 00:10:54,153
♪ We got... ♪
269
00:10:54,754 --> 00:10:57,890
Okay, on the count
of shalosh.
270
00:10:58,557 --> 00:11:02,695
Echad. Shtayim. Shalosh.
271
00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:07,999
Oh, man down.
Man down, Man down.
272
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:09,067
Are you okay?
273
00:11:18,244 --> 00:11:20,011
Hey, guys, party foul.
274
00:11:20,012 --> 00:11:21,246
Aah!
275
00:11:21,247 --> 00:11:23,983
Fuck! Oh, my God. Oh, God.
Oh, God!
276
00:11:24,417 --> 00:11:26,552
Winner!
277
00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:31,523
It's not a great day,
278
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,358
but here's where
we turn that around.
279
00:11:33,359 --> 00:11:35,260
- Boom!
- Jim, why are you so...
280
00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:37,729
I... Because my back hurts.
I think my wrist is broken.
281
00:11:37,730 --> 00:11:38,697
All right!
282
00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:42,267
This one is called
the egg relay.
283
00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:45,805
You're gonna do 'em
chicken style, chicken style.
284
00:11:46,205 --> 00:11:47,472
Chicken style, chicken style.
285
00:11:47,473 --> 00:11:49,207
Don't drop your egg,
get to the end.
286
00:11:49,208 --> 00:11:51,543
Flap like a hen,
get your egg back.
287
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:52,944
Should I call it on shalosh?
288
00:11:52,945 --> 00:11:54,512
No, no, no, no. You know what?
We'll do it.
289
00:11:54,513 --> 00:11:55,480
We'll... We'll... That's okay.
- Okay.
290
00:11:55,481 --> 00:11:58,049
And three, two, one.
291
00:11:58,050 --> 00:11:59,484
Aah! Aah!
292
00:11:59,485 --> 00:12:00,885
- Hey! Whoa! Whoa!
- Whoa!
293
00:12:00,886 --> 00:12:02,387
- Good shooting, shalosh .
- Aah...
294
00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:03,721
Dude,
you brought a sniper?
295
00:12:03,722 --> 00:12:05,156
How are you going
to win egg race
296
00:12:05,157 --> 00:12:06,859
if you don't bring sniper?
297
00:12:13,933 --> 00:12:15,300
If you're like us,
298
00:12:15,301 --> 00:12:17,535
sometimes you're stuck
on the job for hours on end
299
00:12:17,536 --> 00:12:19,003
and every once in a while,
300
00:12:19,004 --> 00:12:21,473
you just need
a little pick-me-up, like...
301
00:12:21,474 --> 00:12:23,175
COP tarts.
302
00:12:23,609 --> 00:12:26,478
Each one of these babies
has enough protein sugar,
303
00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:29,247
caffeine and testosterone
for a 48 hour shift.
304
00:12:29,248 --> 00:12:30,381
Mm.
305
00:12:30,382 --> 00:12:32,250
Plus every box of COP tarts
306
00:12:32,251 --> 00:12:34,119
comes with two packs of smokes,
307
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:35,620
a stick of gum, breath mints,
308
00:12:35,621 --> 00:12:37,589
beef jerky, two Xanax, a rubber,
309
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,290
and a crossword puzzle.
310
00:12:39,291 --> 00:12:42,794
Best thing about COP tarts,
there's a surprise in every box.
311
00:12:42,795 --> 00:12:43,829
Hey!
312
00:12:44,396 --> 00:12:46,030
{\an8}I got to Tequila Sunrise.
313
00:12:46,031 --> 00:12:47,632
And oooh,
314
00:12:47,633 --> 00:12:50,268
I got a confiscated Schedule 2
controlled substance.
315
00:12:52,404 --> 00:12:53,605
COP tarts.
316
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:56,241
Order yours
with the next order
317
00:12:56,242 --> 00:12:58,377
of law and order.
318
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:19,697
- Are they looking at us?
- I don't think so.
319
00:13:19,698 --> 00:13:21,332
No. Just wave
and act like we're fine.
320
00:13:21,333 --> 00:13:22,301
Okay.
321
00:13:23,102 --> 00:13:24,435
Hey.
- Hey.
322
00:13:24,436 --> 00:13:25,870
Unh.
323
00:13:25,871 --> 00:13:27,272
I don't want to get
hurt anymore at all.
324
00:13:27,273 --> 00:13:28,907
Me neither, Jim.
I don't either.
325
00:13:28,908 --> 00:13:30,642
I just want to go home.
326
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,510
This is gonna sound stupid,
but we just pick up the table
327
00:13:32,511 --> 00:13:34,245
and start quietly walking away.
328
00:13:34,246 --> 00:13:35,880
Like when you steal a painting
in a museum like...
329
00:13:35,881 --> 00:13:37,148
Hundred percent exactly right.
330
00:13:37,149 --> 00:13:38,583
This is a terrible
halftime speech.
331
00:13:38,584 --> 00:13:40,051
Damn it. This is...
The halftime speech
332
00:13:40,052 --> 00:13:41,686
was "let's shit the bed
and run."
333
00:13:41,687 --> 00:13:43,021
Wait. We shit the bed,
334
00:13:43,022 --> 00:13:44,355
we're running
because we shit the bed.
335
00:13:44,356 --> 00:13:45,957
I thought that was
the expression.
336
00:13:45,958 --> 00:13:47,225
- What are we doing?
- I just want to go.
337
00:13:47,226 --> 00:13:48,726
I don't want to shit
on anything.
338
00:13:48,727 --> 00:13:50,461
Don't worry. We'll just go.
339
00:13:50,462 --> 00:13:51,696
Shalom, babies.
Everybody having a good time?
340
00:13:51,697 --> 00:13:53,164
Yeah.
341
00:13:53,165 --> 00:13:54,666
- Great time.
- We bring you a little drink.
342
00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:56,100
-Oh!
-Oh!
343
00:13:56,101 --> 00:13:58,069
This is what we drink.
We like it very much.
344
00:13:58,070 --> 00:14:01,973
This is a mineral water,
fruits, vegetables,
345
00:14:01,974 --> 00:14:03,608
and, uh, many, many chemicals.
346
00:14:03,609 --> 00:14:05,944
- Oh, thank you so much.
-It's hissing.
347
00:14:05,945 --> 00:14:07,612
It's okay. No polonium.
348
00:14:07,613 --> 00:14:08,713
No what?
349
00:14:08,714 --> 00:14:10,281
No polonium, don't worry.
350
00:14:10,282 --> 00:14:11,549
Why would you bring that up?
351
00:14:11,550 --> 00:14:13,017
Because people worry
352
00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:14,452
when Russian drinks
are involved, polonium.
353
00:14:14,453 --> 00:14:16,788
No Russian polonium.
- Never heard of that.
354
00:14:16,789 --> 00:14:18,389
- Mm-hmm.
-Is it making a sound?
355
00:14:18,390 --> 00:14:20,592
- It hisses just a little bit.
- Okay. Yeah.
356
00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:22,961
- That is the sound of health.
- Do you hear that?
357
00:14:22,962 --> 00:14:25,264
Hey, uh, on the DJing front...
358
00:14:25,898 --> 00:14:27,098
- Oh, yeah.
- Amazing.
359
00:14:27,099 --> 00:14:28,633
- That is good.
- Amazing.
360
00:14:30,169 --> 00:14:34,205
In Israel, I am known as
DJ Sandra Bullock Fan.
361
00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:36,007
It's weird. It sounds like
Sandra Bullock.
362
00:14:36,008 --> 00:14:38,343
Yes, DJ Sandra Bullock Fan.
363
00:14:38,344 --> 00:14:40,445
- Does it get louder?
- It's... It's gotten louder
364
00:14:40,446 --> 00:14:42,247
since the time we started
our conversation.
365
00:14:42,248 --> 00:14:43,715
Will con... Will continue
to increase in volume.
366
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,383
- Oh, neat.
- Come on, Dangle!
367
00:14:45,384 --> 00:14:47,085
You got it!
368
00:14:47,086 --> 00:14:48,386
Get it, Dangle, get it!
369
00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:49,955
Wanna hear
that pinata pop, buddy.
370
00:14:50,656 --> 00:14:51,557
You got it!
371
00:14:53,525 --> 00:14:54,993
Shit! Shit!
372
00:15:03,535 --> 00:15:04,436
Shit!
373
00:15:05,304 --> 00:15:06,638
We're alive. We're alive.
374
00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:09,408
We're alive.
375
00:15:13,078 --> 00:15:14,479
I don't like this.
376
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:15,581
Where did the candy go?
377
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,021
{\an8}I'm Mayor Dwayne Hernandez.
378
00:15:23,022 --> 00:15:24,355
{\an8}That's right!
379
00:15:24,356 --> 00:15:25,990
{\an8}You just have to refer me
as the mayor
380
00:15:25,991 --> 00:15:27,292
{\an8}even though I haven't been
mayor in years.
381
00:15:27,293 --> 00:15:29,227
{\an8}That's a title you can't
take away from me
382
00:15:29,228 --> 00:15:30,963
{\an8}like you've taken
everything else.
383
00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:33,898
{\an8}I'm running for re-election.
384
00:15:33,899 --> 00:15:35,700
{\an8}And you may
ask yourself, "Why now?"
385
00:15:35,701 --> 00:15:37,101
{\an8}Because you need me.
386
00:15:37,102 --> 00:15:38,503
{\an8}The city needs me.
I don't need you guys.
387
00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:40,438
{\an8}I don't need you assholes,
you need me
388
00:15:40,439 --> 00:15:42,440
{\an8}because your city's
falling apart.
389
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:45,678
{\an8}This guy I'm running against,
Danny Cooper,
390
00:15:46,679 --> 00:15:47,579
{\an8}he's a pussy.
391
00:15:49,715 --> 00:15:51,382
{\an8}He blew us all in college.
He didn't tell you that, huh?
392
00:15:51,383 --> 00:15:53,852
{\an8}You need a mayor that has balls,
393
00:15:54,153 --> 00:15:55,688
{\an8}that gives a shit!
394
00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:58,923
{\an8}And I'll tell you this, huh,
395
00:15:58,924 --> 00:16:00,559
{\an8}my dick is bigger than his.
396
00:16:03,095 --> 00:16:05,097
I won't abandon you, Reno.
397
00:16:06,999 --> 00:16:07,900
Shit.
398
00:16:08,500 --> 00:16:11,169
I'm not even allowed
to leave the house.
399
00:16:11,170 --> 00:16:14,073
So vote for me,
Mayor Dwayne Hernandez,
400
00:16:15,007 --> 00:16:16,642
or I'll find out where you live.
401
00:16:17,176 --> 00:16:19,578
I'll find out where
your kids go to school.
402
00:16:20,212 --> 00:16:23,315
I'll find out where
your fucking dogs get groomed.
403
00:16:25,084 --> 00:16:26,185
Huh...
404
00:16:27,753 --> 00:16:28,886
Mm.
405
00:16:28,887 --> 00:16:30,822
Let's go get some blow...
406
00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:33,158
{\an8}Vote to re-elect
Dwayne Hernandez, Mayor.
407
00:16:37,629 --> 00:16:38,831
{\an8}Do you see it?
408
00:16:39,198 --> 00:16:41,233
{\an8}- Right here?
- Right here, do you see it?
409
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:43,635
- There's nothing right here.
- You can't see it, right?
410
00:16:43,969 --> 00:16:45,670
No.
411
00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:47,005
This is our new tank.
412
00:16:49,074 --> 00:16:50,441
- No.
- Yeah.
413
00:16:50,442 --> 00:16:52,043
This is invisible tank.
You cannot see it.
414
00:16:52,044 --> 00:16:54,379
It's stealth technology
but enhanced.
415
00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:55,780
But there's nothing there.
416
00:16:55,781 --> 00:16:57,081
There's nothing there,
so cross the street.
417
00:16:57,082 --> 00:16:58,616
But there's nothing there.
418
00:16:58,617 --> 00:17:00,252
That's right.
So cross the street, tough guy.
419
00:17:03,122 --> 00:17:04,390
See?
420
00:17:04,623 --> 00:17:05,857
You were right. I was wrong.
I was kidding.
421
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:08,960
I told you, it's tank.
422
00:17:16,902 --> 00:17:18,404
Good game. Good game.
423
00:17:19,671 --> 00:17:21,072
Good game. Good game.
424
00:17:21,073 --> 00:17:22,641
You can't. I know,
I know, I know.
425
00:17:25,978 --> 00:17:27,245
I guess this is yours, huh?
426
00:17:27,246 --> 00:17:28,713
Oh, thank you very much.
427
00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:31,048
Uh, this is, uh, well earned
for our team.
428
00:17:31,049 --> 00:17:32,550
Yes, this is for you.
429
00:17:32,551 --> 00:17:33,851
These are your weapons.
- Thank you very much.
430
00:17:33,852 --> 00:17:35,319
Uh, thank you guys so much.
431
00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:36,621
- Thank you very much.
- It was a great day.
432
00:17:36,622 --> 00:17:38,222
-Congratulations.
- Thank you.
433
00:17:38,223 --> 00:17:39,490
Can someone...
I can't hold it. I'm sorry.
434
00:17:39,491 --> 00:17:40,725
Maybe we do it again
next year.
435
00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:42,093
In the meantime, practice.
436
00:17:42,094 --> 00:17:43,528
- Yeah, practice.
- Uh, get sniper, okay?
437
00:17:43,529 --> 00:17:45,129
We'll... We'll practice
and get sniper.
438
00:17:45,130 --> 00:17:46,697
Do you want to see...
439
00:17:46,698 --> 00:17:49,333
I'm going to be DJing
on the Playa next weekend.
440
00:17:49,334 --> 00:17:51,702
There is going to be
MP3s for sale.
441
00:17:51,703 --> 00:17:54,105
So everybody bring
your shekels, okay?
442
00:17:54,106 --> 00:17:55,706
I'll... I'll be there.
443
00:17:55,707 --> 00:17:57,675
Okay. Shalom, baby.
-Shalom.
444
00:17:57,676 --> 00:18:00,145
We are Hatzolah. Hey!
445
00:18:00,512 --> 00:18:01,413
Bye.
446
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:16,128
Um...
447
00:18:16,795 --> 00:18:17,696
Seriously...
448
00:18:18,397 --> 00:18:20,531
Do people want to carpool
to see him DJ at the Playa,
449
00:18:20,532 --> 00:18:22,200
or what do you...
or what do you want to do?
450
00:18:22,201 --> 00:18:23,669
- Yeah, I'm... I'm up for that.
-Yeah?
451
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,482
Somebody called and it's
probably a fucking goof,
452
00:18:37,483 --> 00:18:39,952
but, uh, they've reported a...
453
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:42,888
creepy clown in the woods.
454
00:18:45,190 --> 00:18:46,424
What the fuck is that?
455
00:18:46,425 --> 00:18:47,692
-That's a creepy clown.
- Hey! Hey!
456
00:18:47,693 --> 00:18:48,826
Come on out, buddy.
457
00:18:48,827 --> 00:18:50,295
- Hey. Hey.
- Hey! Hey.
458
00:18:51,263 --> 00:18:52,563
I hate to be that guy,
459
00:18:52,564 --> 00:18:55,533
but we got a call...
460
00:18:55,534 --> 00:18:58,069
Fuck it. We got a call about
a creepy clown in the woods.
461
00:18:58,070 --> 00:18:58,904
In these woods?
462
00:18:59,505 --> 00:19:01,472
- Very specifically, yes.
- I'll keep an eye out.
463
00:19:01,473 --> 00:19:04,542
- Uh, no, sir. Sir.
- Hey. Hey, hey, hey!
464
00:19:04,543 --> 00:19:05,711
Sir?
465
00:19:06,378 --> 00:19:07,212
Dang it to heck.
466
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:11,315
If you don't match
the description...
467
00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:12,783
Tread lightly.
468
00:19:12,784 --> 00:19:14,452
If you're gonna say
all clowns look alike.
469
00:19:14,453 --> 00:19:16,220
That's not as very
remotely what I said.
470
00:19:16,221 --> 00:19:17,688
- And I look creepy?
- That... No one said that.
471
00:19:17,689 --> 00:19:19,223
Not the look!
472
00:19:19,224 --> 00:19:21,192
It's the fact that you don't
have context of a party.
473
00:19:21,193 --> 00:19:24,095
I'm hitchhiking, and I'm not
hitchhiking to hitchhike.
474
00:19:24,096 --> 00:19:26,264
I'm hitchhiking
because I'm going to a...
475
00:19:26,265 --> 00:19:27,698
I'm going to a kid's party.
476
00:19:27,699 --> 00:19:29,601
I just feel...
I don't feel safe right now.
477
00:19:29,902 --> 00:19:31,302
- You don't feel safe?
- Oh, my gosh.
478
00:19:31,303 --> 00:19:34,172
If I had a nickel...
What's your name, sir?
479
00:19:34,673 --> 00:19:35,841
Come on, man.
480
00:19:36,375 --> 00:19:37,209
Bingo.
481
00:19:37,576 --> 00:19:38,943
- Bingo's a clown name?
- No.
482
00:19:38,944 --> 00:19:41,446
Come On Man is my name.
You got it right.
483
00:19:41,947 --> 00:19:43,548
And I said bingo
'cause you nailed it.
484
00:19:43,549 --> 00:19:44,615
- I understand.
- All right.
485
00:19:44,616 --> 00:19:45,983
You're an employed clown,
486
00:19:45,984 --> 00:19:48,519
you're not just lurking
in the woods?
487
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:50,422
Those are your words,
not mine.
488
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:54,058
Do you have some documentation
that would show us
489
00:19:54,059 --> 00:19:55,593
you are a professional clown,
490
00:19:55,594 --> 00:19:57,028
you're a union, uh...
491
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,629
What do you want me to do?
You want me...
492
00:19:58,630 --> 00:19:59,597
You want me to tell you
some jokes?
493
00:19:59,598 --> 00:20:00,965
Yes. Ver... Yes.
494
00:20:00,966 --> 00:20:02,333
I get paid money
to tell jokes, man.
495
00:20:02,334 --> 00:20:03,868
I'm not gonna just tell...
496
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:05,503
You... But you don't have
any identification?
497
00:20:05,504 --> 00:20:07,405
Do I just come to your house
and I'm like, "Hey, uh,
498
00:20:07,406 --> 00:20:09,473
hey, plant some evidence."
- Okay, don't do it. Don't do--
499
00:20:09,474 --> 00:20:11,208
"Hey, shoot a Black guy."
500
00:20:11,209 --> 00:20:12,644
- Hey.
- Hey.
501
00:20:12,844 --> 00:20:15,179
Whoa! Whoa!
- I see what you're doing there.
502
00:20:15,180 --> 00:20:16,213
My car broke down.
503
00:20:16,214 --> 00:20:17,448
Where's the car
that broke down?
504
00:20:17,449 --> 00:20:18,983
Because we can call that in.
505
00:20:18,984 --> 00:20:20,785
I would say about
three and a half miles that way.
506
00:20:20,786 --> 00:20:22,254
How big's your car?
507
00:20:22,621 --> 00:20:23,854
You know,
it's like the size...
508
00:20:23,855 --> 00:20:26,190
It can fit, like,
maybe 40-50 clowns.
509
00:20:26,191 --> 00:20:27,391
Okay, that checks out.
510
00:20:27,392 --> 00:20:29,126
Just prove
you're a clown.
511
00:20:29,127 --> 00:20:30,862
I'm not gonna... Why don't
you prove you're a cop?
512
00:20:31,863 --> 00:20:33,664
All right, okay.
- Never do that.
513
00:20:33,665 --> 00:20:35,099
Give me, like,
something to juggle.
514
00:20:35,100 --> 00:20:36,934
- What do I got? I got this.
- Don't. Why--
515
00:20:36,935 --> 00:20:38,736
- Okay, that... that'll work.
- Yeah? Will that work?
516
00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:40,371
Here, get ready.
- Usually I like everybody to go
517
00:20:40,372 --> 00:20:42,940
"Come On Man. Come On Man."
518
00:20:42,941 --> 00:20:45,076
- Is this what the kids do?
- That's my name.
519
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:48,313
Come On Man. Come On Man.
520
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:50,014
Come On Man.
521
00:20:50,015 --> 00:20:51,616
Come On Man.
- You want me to juggle?
522
00:20:51,617 --> 00:20:52,651
Come On...
523
00:20:53,385 --> 00:20:55,119
Good enough for me.
- All right?
524
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:56,787
- Thank you very much.
- So, I mean, this is like...
525
00:20:56,788 --> 00:20:58,556
This is--
- So sorry. Have a great night.
526
00:20:58,557 --> 00:21:00,191
You don't have to. It's okay.
527
00:21:00,192 --> 00:21:02,693
Okay, guys, why don't you go
drive through a protest?
528
00:21:02,694 --> 00:21:03,794
Oh, come on, man.
529
00:21:03,795 --> 00:21:05,263
- Bingo.
- Fuck.
530
00:21:05,597 --> 00:21:06,932
Fucking fell for it, man.
531
00:21:07,366 --> 00:21:08,266
I will say...
532
00:21:08,700 --> 00:21:10,368
hardly anybody
can juggle these days
533
00:21:10,369 --> 00:21:12,169
and that was pretty solid.
534
00:21:12,170 --> 00:21:13,704
I mean, people used
to be able to juggle,
535
00:21:13,705 --> 00:21:14,773
they can also do
great mouth noises.
39054
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