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1
00:00:10,877 --> 00:00:12,344
{\an8}Got a call about
an open window around here.
2
00:00:12,345 --> 00:00:14,847
{\an8}Gotta do a wellness check.
Sheriff's Department!
3
00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:16,416
Sheriff's Department!
4
00:00:17,083 --> 00:00:18,250
Sheriff's Department,
wellness check!
5
00:00:18,251 --> 00:00:19,752
-Aah!
- Wellness check!
6
00:00:19,753 --> 00:00:21,153
What the fuck
are you doing here?
7
00:00:21,154 --> 00:00:23,455
- I... I live here.
- Fucking prove it!
8
00:00:23,456 --> 00:00:24,923
My ID's right over there
in my wallet.
9
00:00:24,924 --> 00:00:26,191
Just check my wallet.
10
00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:27,860
Why don't you have
your fucking ID?
11
00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:29,261
'Cause... 'Cause I live here,
this is my home.
12
00:00:30,430 --> 00:00:31,830
What...
What are you doing?
13
00:00:33,233 --> 00:00:35,534
- Where is Jeff?
- I live here, this is my house!
14
00:00:35,535 --> 00:00:37,102
Why is there a cop
pointing a gun at you?
15
00:00:37,103 --> 00:00:39,505
- I don't know.
-Wellness check!
16
00:00:39,506 --> 00:00:41,140
Okay. Okay, okay, I get it!
17
00:00:41,141 --> 00:00:42,741
What the fuck
is going on in here?
18
00:00:42,742 --> 00:00:44,109
I don't know what's going on.
I'm well!
19
00:00:44,110 --> 00:00:45,644
Wellness check!
20
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:49,415
Wellness check!
21
00:00:49,416 --> 00:00:52,317
We got a report of an open
window in Apartment 408.
22
00:00:52,318 --> 00:00:54,653
Now what the fuck
is your story, asshole?
23
00:00:54,654 --> 00:00:58,791
Check my ID. I live here.
This is my apartment.
24
00:01:00,226 --> 00:01:03,395
Oh, yeah? Well, this says
Apartment 202.
25
00:01:03,396 --> 00:01:06,398
Yeah. 'Cause you're all
in the wrong apartment.
26
00:01:07,834 --> 00:01:09,435
You're in the wrong apartment!
27
00:01:10,970 --> 00:01:11,904
You're in the wrong apartment!
Turn off the camera.
28
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:12,905
Turn off the camera.
29
00:01:27,987 --> 00:01:29,189
{\an8}Oh, my God.
30
00:01:50,009 --> 00:01:53,213
{\an8}-Morning, gang.
-Morning.
31
00:01:55,215 --> 00:01:56,748
No, no... no...
no big news today.
32
00:01:56,749 --> 00:01:58,417
I mean,
just gonna be normal, um...
33
00:01:58,418 --> 00:02:00,052
If you were an odd number
last week,
34
00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:01,587
you're an even number patrol
this week.
35
00:02:01,588 --> 00:02:05,624
Nothing's-- But everything's
basically, um, the same.
36
00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:08,060
Yeah!
37
00:02:08,061 --> 00:02:09,661
-Finally.
- Hey, you got donuts.
38
00:02:09,662 --> 00:02:11,864
They're gonna...
Apparently, they will be on
39
00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:13,465
once in a while
for a little bit.
40
00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:14,868
Even after the defunding.
41
00:02:15,502 --> 00:02:17,069
You know, they said,
and I think...
42
00:02:17,070 --> 00:02:19,104
I, for one, think
it's pretty true as they...
43
00:02:19,105 --> 00:02:21,773
when they said nothing
would feel that different.
44
00:02:21,774 --> 00:02:23,041
And I don't think it does,
do you?
45
00:02:23,042 --> 00:02:25,445
- Did they sell our table?
- Yes.
46
00:02:26,112 --> 00:02:28,213
Yeah. They sold a lot--
quite a bit of the stuff.
47
00:02:28,214 --> 00:02:30,582
Why didn't they offer
to let us buy it?
48
00:02:30,583 --> 00:02:33,353
Could you afford
these tables?
49
00:02:33,753 --> 00:02:35,187
Well, how much did they cost?
50
00:02:35,188 --> 00:02:37,022
- Seventy-five bucks.
-$75, for both.
51
00:02:37,023 --> 00:02:38,490
Yeah, a bit pricey.
52
00:02:38,491 --> 00:02:40,058
- No.
- See?
53
00:02:40,059 --> 00:02:42,561
Uh, I went out of pocket
to buy toilet paper
54
00:02:42,562 --> 00:02:43,862
for the women's room...
55
00:02:43,863 --> 00:02:45,531
- Thank you for that.
- ...and...
56
00:02:45,532 --> 00:02:47,099
- Thank you.
- where is... where is it?
57
00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:49,635
I bought a big 16-pack...
- Yeah.
58
00:02:49,636 --> 00:02:52,404
Don't steal the toilet paper
that I'm buying. One thing--
59
00:02:52,405 --> 00:02:54,339
We didn't steal it.
We got a towel
60
00:02:54,340 --> 00:02:56,008
we have to wash off after--
-We have a...
61
00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:58,611
Hey, guys, couple of
things about that towel.
62
00:02:59,379 --> 00:03:00,412
Oh.
63
00:03:00,413 --> 00:03:02,281
- Come on!
-No, no, no, no!
64
00:03:02,282 --> 00:03:04,951
I mean, I think
the, the, the main thing is...
65
00:03:05,451 --> 00:03:08,787
Nothing's really-- Other than
a couple of cosmetic things--
66
00:03:08,788 --> 00:03:10,923
We just mentioned
sharing a towel.
67
00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:12,524
The tow...
And I was gonna tell you,
68
00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:14,928
uh, the towel is definitely
getting crunchy.
69
00:03:18,431 --> 00:03:20,499
{\an8}Well, I should've peed
when we have long drives.
70
00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:22,301
{\an8}Remind me to pee every time.
71
00:03:22,302 --> 00:03:25,071
- What the hell is this place?
-Where is this?
72
00:03:25,972 --> 00:03:27,139
- Hello!
- Hello?
73
00:03:31,077 --> 00:03:32,010
Coming from there?
- Yeah.
74
00:03:32,011 --> 00:03:33,545
Oh, shit!
75
00:03:33,546 --> 00:03:34,813
I hate when we get
mysterious packages
76
00:03:34,814 --> 00:03:36,148
out in the desert.
77
00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:37,783
Wait, are you just gonna...
- I am.
78
00:03:37,784 --> 00:03:39,484
But I'm gonna look the other way
when I do it this time.
79
00:03:39,485 --> 00:03:41,286
'Cause last time,
remember what happened?
80
00:03:42,655 --> 00:03:44,189
Burner phone. God dang it!
81
00:03:44,190 --> 00:03:45,591
No head in the box?
82
00:03:45,592 --> 00:03:46,858
No head in the box.
83
00:03:46,859 --> 00:03:48,227
- All right. You ready?
- Yeah.
84
00:03:49,562 --> 00:03:51,597
Sheriff's Department.
85
00:03:51,598 --> 00:03:54,600
You miss me,
now you gotta kiss me.
86
00:03:54,601 --> 00:03:56,234
Pucker up, libtards!
87
00:03:56,235 --> 00:03:57,970
Who's speaking, please?
88
00:03:57,971 --> 00:04:00,272
Don't you remember me?
Your old pal?
89
00:04:00,273 --> 00:04:02,307
Here's a little riddle
to jog your memory.
90
00:04:02,308 --> 00:04:03,842
Shit, he's doing riddles.
91
00:04:03,843 --> 00:04:05,010
- Fuck!
- He's doing riddles.
92
00:04:05,011 --> 00:04:06,278
Oh, God dang it.
- I hate riddles.
93
00:04:06,279 --> 00:04:08,514
I'm not an old gent
94
00:04:08,948 --> 00:04:11,283
so I must be a... what?
95
00:04:11,284 --> 00:04:13,185
- I must be a... twin.
- Uh... Hang on.
96
00:04:13,186 --> 00:04:15,153
- Twin, twin! Twin, twin!
- Hang on, queen, baby--
97
00:04:15,154 --> 00:04:16,888
Mardi Gras baby. Baby.
- Mardi Gras baby.
98
00:04:16,889 --> 00:04:18,156
I... I thought
it was pretty obvious.
99
00:04:18,157 --> 00:04:19,725
Okay, we're moving on.
100
00:04:19,726 --> 00:04:21,360
Here's the second one,
this is super easy.
101
00:04:21,361 --> 00:04:23,295
You'll get this for sure.
- All right.
102
00:04:23,296 --> 00:04:27,366
What has two arms except
when he has more arms
103
00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:30,135
because of our blessed
Second Amendment?
104
00:04:30,136 --> 00:04:31,436
- Uh... Octopus.
- Octopus. Octopus.
105
00:04:31,437 --> 00:04:33,171
- D-Dr. Octopus!
- No, uh... Dr. Octopus?
106
00:04:33,172 --> 00:04:35,374
Uh, the elephant guy
from Indian restaurants.
107
00:04:35,375 --> 00:04:37,609
Indian restaurant elephant guy
or Doc Ock?
108
00:04:38,678 --> 00:04:40,112
What is wrong with you? I...
109
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,613
- That is literally...
- Oh, my gosh!
110
00:04:41,614 --> 00:04:44,049
...the easiest riddle
I could come up with.
111
00:04:44,050 --> 00:04:45,450
Well, obviously not.
112
00:04:45,451 --> 00:04:46,818
Obviously not,
because we didn't get them.
113
00:04:46,819 --> 00:04:48,120
I'm not an old gent...
114
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,554
...I'm a Nugent.
-Nugent.
115
00:04:49,555 --> 00:04:51,123
- Ted Nugent.
- See how that works?
116
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:52,557
- Yeah.
- And arms like, you know, guns.
117
00:04:52,558 --> 00:04:53,659
Ammo like arms.
118
00:04:53,660 --> 00:04:55,127
That's a homophone! Come on!
119
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,561
- Oh! We sure don't say that.
- It takes--
120
00:04:56,562 --> 00:04:58,463
Even I'm not allowed
to say that.
121
00:04:58,464 --> 00:05:00,332
I got sent to a whole thing
and I had to go to a thing.
122
00:05:00,333 --> 00:05:02,300
Really nice compound you got.
123
00:05:02,301 --> 00:05:04,436
Oh, thanks, man. It's...
You know, it's homey, I like it.
124
00:05:04,437 --> 00:05:07,439
Did I read that
this is technically
125
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:09,608
not part of America in any way?
126
00:05:09,609 --> 00:05:10,976
You're correct, sir.
127
00:05:10,977 --> 00:05:13,512
You're in the Free State
of Mad Manchester.
128
00:05:13,513 --> 00:05:15,213
-Whoa! Whoa!
-Wow!
129
00:05:15,214 --> 00:05:16,581
We got our own flag
and everything.
130
00:05:16,582 --> 00:05:18,383
Have you seen it yet?
- No.
131
00:05:18,384 --> 00:05:21,253
Oh, it's amazing. It's got
Barack Hussein Obama...
132
00:05:21,254 --> 00:05:22,888
...with a bone in his
nose.
133
00:05:22,889 --> 00:05:24,256
Oh, neat.
134
00:05:24,257 --> 00:05:25,323
- And standing next to him...
- Yeah.
135
00:05:25,324 --> 00:05:27,125
...Hillary eatin' a baby.
136
00:05:27,126 --> 00:05:28,860
And next to her, um...
- Wow. Right.
137
00:05:28,861 --> 00:05:30,662
Now that I say this out loud,
it sounds kinda busy.
138
00:05:30,663 --> 00:05:32,164
It's so busy.
139
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:33,499
- Sounds like a lot going on.
- Yeah? Right.
140
00:05:38,705 --> 00:05:41,006
Deputy Raineesha Williams
here.
141
00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:43,542
Now more than ever,
it's a tough time
142
00:05:43,543 --> 00:05:47,546
to be a strong Black sister
in the state of Nevada
143
00:05:47,547 --> 00:05:51,883
where it's legal and encouraged
for pubescent white boys
144
00:05:51,884 --> 00:05:55,754
to carry war weapons
that would have seemed made up
145
00:05:55,755 --> 00:05:59,958
if you didn't see them
on the news all the time.
146
00:05:59,959 --> 00:06:01,460
If you're like me,
147
00:06:01,461 --> 00:06:04,129
sometimes you just
want to get errands done
148
00:06:04,130 --> 00:06:06,131
or hit the salon,
149
00:06:06,132 --> 00:06:08,600
and not get murdered
by the police.
150
00:06:08,601 --> 00:06:13,105
Well, now it's easy
with a little Pinterest page
151
00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:16,675
{\an8}I've made called
"Street Smart Sisters."
152
00:06:16,676 --> 00:06:19,845
If you want to not get hassled
on the street,
153
00:06:19,846 --> 00:06:25,717
you just need to look and seem
like a white teenaged vigilante.
154
00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:29,621
Because the cops love a white
teenaged vigilante
155
00:06:29,622 --> 00:06:34,160
even more than they hate
a strong Black sister.
156
00:06:34,594 --> 00:06:37,896
I call this
"Up in the Rittenhouse."
157
00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:41,633
It's a neckerchief that covers
my beautiful Black face,
158
00:06:41,634 --> 00:06:44,536
a red hat that says
"fuck your feelings,"
159
00:06:44,537 --> 00:06:49,174
{\an8}and loose khaki pants
with no bulge in the penis area.
160
00:06:49,175 --> 00:06:51,810
If there was a bulge
in the penis area,
161
00:06:51,811 --> 00:06:56,281
I would need a war weapon
that can kill a Velociraptor.
162
00:06:56,282 --> 00:07:01,186
So this fashion season
keep up in the hits house.
163
00:07:01,187 --> 00:07:03,021
The Ritten-his-house.
164
00:07:04,757 --> 00:07:07,292
Because, literally,
you'll be safer like this...
165
00:07:07,293 --> 00:07:11,197
than you would be
with brown skin.
166
00:07:19,806 --> 00:07:21,908
{\an8}-This is the place.
- Hello!
167
00:07:22,441 --> 00:07:23,842
{\an8}Sheriff's Department!
168
00:07:23,843 --> 00:07:26,044
{\an8}- Guten tag, guten tag,
fun elf--
169
00:07:26,045 --> 00:07:27,913
Fuck, it's you guys?
-Yeah.
170
00:07:27,914 --> 00:07:30,182
Several people from
the County of Reno called us
171
00:07:30,183 --> 00:07:33,552
that said they are missing
their lawn or garden gnomes.
172
00:07:33,553 --> 00:07:38,156
I'm gonna send down my...
my protégé to speak with you.
173
00:07:38,157 --> 00:07:40,358
What do you want?
Ow... How can I help you?
174
00:07:40,359 --> 00:07:43,061
The... The king doesn't talk
to policemen.
175
00:07:43,062 --> 00:07:46,031
Just say it to me
and then I'll tell him later.
176
00:07:46,032 --> 00:07:47,933
Do you want me
to come up there?
177
00:07:47,934 --> 00:07:49,668
I will take this right now.
- We will... We will impound--
178
00:07:49,669 --> 00:07:52,137
And you wonder why people
don't love cops!
179
00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:54,806
It's this!
Because gnomes aren't safe.
180
00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:56,843
Get down here now, Steve!
181
00:07:58,277 --> 00:08:01,714
I'm a magical gnome.
I'm the king of the gnomes.
182
00:08:02,014 --> 00:08:06,485
And we, uh,
declare this space safe
183
00:08:06,819 --> 00:08:08,286
from American laws
184
00:08:08,287 --> 00:08:10,222
because it's
a magical fairyland.
185
00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:11,823
Uh-huh. Why?
186
00:08:11,824 --> 00:08:15,093
I'm a little off
my court-ordered meds.
187
00:08:15,094 --> 00:08:16,695
-Mm. Okay.
-Okay.
188
00:08:16,696 --> 00:08:19,164
So my wife
was sleep eating last night.
189
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:21,499
She thought they were M&M's,
she just chugged them all down.
190
00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:23,001
- Sleep eating?
- Yeah.
191
00:08:23,002 --> 00:08:24,769
Well, she's, uh, blind.
She's not really blind
192
00:08:24,770 --> 00:08:27,906
but she's so fat that her face
has kind of enveloped her eyes,
193
00:08:27,907 --> 00:08:29,341
and she thought they were...
194
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:31,076
I don't know,
some sort of candy treat, like--
195
00:08:31,077 --> 00:08:32,844
- Does she live up here?
- She's up there right now?
196
00:08:32,845 --> 00:08:35,113
God, no, she can't
leave the stairwell.
197
00:08:35,114 --> 00:08:36,882
That's where
we last got her stuck
198
00:08:36,883 --> 00:08:39,284
so she's just right there
in the stairway in my home.
199
00:08:39,285 --> 00:08:42,053
I had to rent this from
my gnome friends.
200
00:08:42,054 --> 00:08:43,722
I feel like
that's the most honest thing
201
00:08:43,723 --> 00:08:45,924
you've ever said to us, ever.
- Yeah.
202
00:08:45,925 --> 00:08:47,492
No one knows
who these gnomes belong to.
203
00:08:47,493 --> 00:08:48,593
I... I found them...
- Uh...
204
00:08:48,594 --> 00:08:49,928
...on my neighbors' yards.
205
00:08:49,929 --> 00:08:51,363
And--
- "Marsha Fairline."
206
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:52,864
We don't know
if that's really her name.
207
00:08:52,865 --> 00:08:54,599
D-- Please don't disturb
that one.
208
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,101
"Terra Merryweather."
209
00:08:56,102 --> 00:08:57,936
- Okay, I know--
- "Trudy Weigel."
210
00:08:57,937 --> 00:08:59,204
All these white women...
- Yeah.
211
00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:00,839
...had their names
on these gnomes.
212
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:02,540
It's a big mistake.
I was off my meds.
213
00:09:02,541 --> 00:09:04,042
I'm very sorry.
- Let's go. Yeah.
214
00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:06,645
Great. Wait. Wait, hold--
- I can't believe this.
215
00:09:06,646 --> 00:09:07,979
Wha...
216
00:09:07,980 --> 00:09:09,281
- Did you hear that?
- I did hear it.
217
00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:11,182
There is a little girl
down there.
218
00:09:11,183 --> 00:09:13,985
I threw her a rope a week ago
and she refused to take it.
219
00:09:13,986 --> 00:09:16,155
No, no, no! No!
- Come on!
220
00:09:21,327 --> 00:09:23,094
It's good to see you, man.
It really is.
221
00:09:23,095 --> 00:09:24,896
- Been a while!
- It has been a bit.
222
00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:27,265
Hey, hey, you guys know
Joe Rogan, right?
223
00:09:27,266 --> 00:09:29,200
- No!
- Joe, come on out here!
224
00:09:29,201 --> 00:09:30,802
Meet the gang!
-Whoa!
225
00:09:30,803 --> 00:09:32,671
- Wow! Wow!
-[mumbles] Big fan!
226
00:09:32,672 --> 00:09:34,339
Whoa, okay.
- You heard his podcast?
227
00:09:34,340 --> 00:09:36,041
- Oh, my gosh, the pod.
- Oh, all right.
228
00:09:36,042 --> 00:09:37,509
Some of them are verbose
229
00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:39,778
and I tend to agree
with almost half of it.
230
00:09:39,779 --> 00:09:40,979
He's getting your guns
right now.
231
00:09:40,980 --> 00:09:42,547
Yeah, okay, that's great.
232
00:09:42,548 --> 00:09:43,715
Joe and the squad,
they're gonna keep you here...
233
00:09:43,716 --> 00:09:45,183
Yep, okay.
234
00:09:45,184 --> 00:09:46,818
...while me and you
play a little game.
235
00:09:46,819 --> 00:09:48,420
- Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.
- I hope it's not riddles.
236
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:51,022
- No riddles, please.
- "The Most Dangerous Game."
237
00:09:51,023 --> 00:09:53,124
Oh, no...
238
00:09:53,125 --> 00:09:55,260
Remind me what that means.
239
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:57,929
At my age, almost anything.
You know, my meniscus went.
240
00:09:57,930 --> 00:10:01,166
So, uh, the... the
Most Dangerous Game is, uh...
241
00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:03,234
Well, it's when I hunt you
down like an animal
242
00:10:03,235 --> 00:10:04,536
and kill you.
243
00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:05,971
But, uh, the good news...
244
00:10:05,972 --> 00:10:08,006
the good news is,
if there is a survivor,
245
00:10:08,007 --> 00:10:09,941
I'm not saying there will be,
but if there is,
246
00:10:09,942 --> 00:10:13,311
the lucky contestant
will get a beautiful,
247
00:10:13,312 --> 00:10:17,048
commemorative copy
of 20 Years of The Nuge.
248
00:10:17,049 --> 00:10:19,084
-Oh! Whoa!
-Wow!
249
00:10:19,085 --> 00:10:20,552
It's got all the number ones.
250
00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:22,053
How... How many number ones
did you have?
251
00:10:22,054 --> 00:10:25,724
Uh, nothing got higher
than, um, 43.
252
00:10:25,725 --> 00:10:27,225
But it's... Yeah...
253
00:10:27,226 --> 00:10:28,927
- It's a beautiful frame.
- Oh, my gosh, the frame!
254
00:10:28,928 --> 00:10:30,862
Oh, isn't-- You'll enjoy
the frame for years.
255
00:10:30,863 --> 00:10:32,230
I'm gonna be there...
-A-ha.
256
00:10:32,231 --> 00:10:33,832
- ...you're gonna be here.
-A-ha.
257
00:10:33,833 --> 00:10:35,133
I'm gonna give you
a little ring-a-ding
258
00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:36,434
on the burner phone,
you're gonna run.
259
00:10:36,435 --> 00:10:37,869
I'll give you
a little head start.
260
00:10:37,870 --> 00:10:39,337
- A-ha. Okay.
- It'll be fun!
261
00:10:39,338 --> 00:10:40,638
We don't have to guess
who y-you are this time.
262
00:10:40,639 --> 00:10:41,973
Eh, there's only one person
263
00:10:41,974 --> 00:10:42,907
who's gonna be calling
on this phone.
264
00:10:43,843 --> 00:10:44,976
Shit.
265
00:10:44,977 --> 00:10:47,412
Run, libtards!
266
00:10:50,950 --> 00:10:52,385
Come get some!
267
00:10:53,853 --> 00:10:56,955
That tickle?
268
00:10:56,956 --> 00:10:58,590
That was round one.
269
00:10:58,591 --> 00:11:01,926
Now we use real bullets!
- Jim, save yourself.
270
00:11:01,927 --> 00:11:03,728
Save yourself,
I'm not coming back for you!
271
00:11:03,729 --> 00:11:05,330
Um, Travis... Travis,
I'm Winnie the Pooh'ed, man.
272
00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:06,966
I don't know
what that means!
273
00:11:13,372 --> 00:11:14,906
{\an8}So...
274
00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:18,410
...I came to Pegan Chicken
today for lunch
275
00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:21,012
which is what
I always do everyday.
276
00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:24,983
And I pulled up
to the first window
277
00:11:24,984 --> 00:11:28,553
and I ordered small fries,
278
00:11:28,554 --> 00:11:31,156
small drink, hot wings,
279
00:11:31,157 --> 00:11:35,093
no sauce, 'cause of my GERD
and a toy.
280
00:11:35,094 --> 00:11:37,162
And I didn't even specify
boy or girl
281
00:11:37,163 --> 00:11:38,997
'cause I didn't wanna
cause a fuss.
282
00:11:40,166 --> 00:11:44,870
And I waited... and I waited...
283
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:49,607
And then finally
she brought my order--
284
00:11:49,608 --> 00:11:54,113
But it wasn't... at all
what I ordered.
285
00:11:55,147 --> 00:11:57,182
And now I'm too afraid to eat it
286
00:11:57,183 --> 00:12:00,953
because I don't know
if she messed with it.
287
00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:03,489
And that's really fucked up.
288
00:12:04,090 --> 00:12:09,094
Because I do so much
for this community.
289
00:12:09,095 --> 00:12:11,996
I helped someone
pull their hamster
290
00:12:11,997 --> 00:12:15,701
out of a drain today,
and it almost lived.
291
00:12:16,202 --> 00:12:19,605
But nobody cares
how hard I work.
292
00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:23,208
Nobody cares.
293
00:12:23,209 --> 00:12:26,679
All I wanted
was just my hot wings.
294
00:12:28,047 --> 00:12:30,448
And my fries.
295
00:12:30,449 --> 00:12:32,218
And it-- Oh.
296
00:12:33,819 --> 00:12:38,324
Oh, my hot wings... Just...
They were on the bottom.
297
00:12:38,924 --> 00:12:40,426
Yeah, this is my order.
298
00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:44,930
This is what I ordered.
It's just that there's two toys.
299
00:12:45,397 --> 00:12:48,700
There were two toys in here
and I had only ordered one.
300
00:12:48,701 --> 00:12:52,170
So that's... that was very nice
of her to do that.
301
00:12:52,171 --> 00:12:56,474
It still doesn't explain
why it took so long.
302
00:12:57,977 --> 00:12:59,512
That's suspicious.
303
00:13:01,213 --> 00:13:03,349
So now I'm still afraid
to eat it.
304
00:13:04,650 --> 00:13:06,385
These are so good.
305
00:13:08,754 --> 00:13:13,425
Guys, it's so hard
to be me these days.
306
00:13:13,993 --> 00:13:15,860
I'm just a cop
307
00:13:15,861 --> 00:13:17,929
trying to do a job...
308
00:13:17,930 --> 00:13:19,965
...and enjoy my fries.
309
00:13:20,332 --> 00:13:22,635
Is it too much to ask, America?
310
00:13:27,106 --> 00:13:31,676
Oh, my God-- Oh, look at these.
I got three toys.
311
00:13:34,013 --> 00:13:35,548
These make me look like a cop.
312
00:13:39,852 --> 00:13:41,020
Ah!
313
00:13:50,196 --> 00:13:51,563
{\an8}-Good morning...
- Here they are.
314
00:13:51,564 --> 00:13:53,198
{\an8}...afternoon and evening.
315
00:13:53,199 --> 00:13:55,767
{\an8}I'm here representing the local
chapter of the ACLU.
316
00:13:55,768 --> 00:13:57,635
These are the member of Antifa
317
00:13:57,636 --> 00:13:59,437
and this is their
list of demands.
318
00:13:59,438 --> 00:14:01,005
And thank you for coming,
first of all.
319
00:14:01,006 --> 00:14:02,941
Wow, you just get
right to the point.
320
00:14:02,942 --> 00:14:05,009
Absolutely. I don't have
a lot of time to waste.
321
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:06,644
I've been diagnosed
with something.
322
00:14:06,645 --> 00:14:07,612
- Okay.
- Okay. All right.
323
00:14:07,613 --> 00:14:09,447
I love you, by the way.
324
00:14:09,448 --> 00:14:10,982
I know it sounds
like I'm yelling
325
00:14:10,983 --> 00:14:11,917
but I love you!
326
00:14:12,484 --> 00:14:17,689
First of all, officers should
no longer carry guns
327
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,791
unless who you're carrying
a gun against
328
00:14:19,792 --> 00:14:21,693
is also given a gun.
329
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:25,296
We are suggestin'
if you do not carry a gun
330
00:14:25,297 --> 00:14:26,731
and bring them a gun,
331
00:14:26,732 --> 00:14:28,399
then you wear a colorful sash...
-Oh.
332
00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:31,102
...with something on it like,
"We're here to help."
333
00:14:31,103 --> 00:14:34,138
"What can I do to help you?"
"Our guns ain't fun."
334
00:14:34,139 --> 00:14:37,542
"I'm your friend."
"Let's be friends."
335
00:14:37,543 --> 00:14:40,646
"How about we hug
and/or shake this out?"
336
00:14:43,215 --> 00:14:45,917
- No. That's a hard no.
- Uh, no. Yeah.
337
00:14:45,918 --> 00:14:48,119
That's a lot of words
on one body.
338
00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:49,687
On one sash?
339
00:14:49,688 --> 00:14:51,289
You get to choose how many
sashes you gonna wear
340
00:14:51,290 --> 00:14:52,590
on any given day.
341
00:14:52,591 --> 00:14:55,026
- No. No.
- No... No, thank you.
342
00:14:55,027 --> 00:14:59,097
You must admit that
Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez
343
00:14:59,098 --> 00:15:02,066
is a solid nine,
an eight at the very least.
344
00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:04,302
- I can go for that. No?
- I can't give 'em that.
345
00:15:04,303 --> 00:15:06,638
I can't give-- She's short.
- She's gorgeous.
346
00:15:06,639 --> 00:15:08,706
See, you can't someone a nine
who's that short.
347
00:15:08,707 --> 00:15:10,708
Did you see that video
of her dancing?
348
00:15:10,709 --> 00:15:12,844
Yeah, I did.
Her moves are great.
349
00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:15,780
But if you are gonna...
That's it... Okay, a seven.
350
00:15:15,781 --> 00:15:17,615
Do you believe that
we're not gonna read this?
351
00:15:17,616 --> 00:15:18,916
Is that why
you're reading it to us?
352
00:15:18,917 --> 00:15:21,720
- Absolutely.
- Okay.
353
00:15:26,091 --> 00:15:28,293
{\an8}We got a call
that some Proud Boys
354
00:15:28,294 --> 00:15:30,662
{\an8}are making a ruckus
out here on the street.
355
00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:32,664
{\an8}They're supposed to be
"patrolling the streets."
356
00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:34,365
Uh, hello, that's what we do.
357
00:15:34,366 --> 00:15:36,000
Hey, Garrett.
358
00:15:36,001 --> 00:15:37,835
- Whoa, fancy meeting you here.
- Yeah, very fancy.
359
00:15:37,836 --> 00:15:40,571
Hey, keeping the...
the streets safe and clean.
360
00:15:40,572 --> 00:15:42,006
- That's what we're doing.
- Yep.
361
00:15:42,007 --> 00:15:44,008
- That's our job.
- And it's all of our jobs.
362
00:15:44,009 --> 00:15:46,678
-No. Yeah.
- For real, our job.
363
00:15:46,679 --> 00:15:47,845
So we got a report
364
00:15:47,846 --> 00:15:49,213
that you guys...
- What happened?
365
00:15:49,214 --> 00:15:50,348
...are in a little bit
of a mess here.
366
00:15:50,349 --> 00:15:51,683
Hmm.
367
00:15:51,684 --> 00:15:53,851
You're stuck.
You could just say that.
368
00:15:53,852 --> 00:15:55,453
I'm not sure
what you're talking about.
369
00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:58,022
I was just gonna try
and put in a... a new clip,
370
00:15:58,023 --> 00:16:00,958
and he bent over,
and when I shouldn't and--
371
00:16:00,959 --> 00:16:03,328
-That's gotta...
- Okay. No, I see what it is.
372
00:16:03,329 --> 00:16:07,332
It's just this one.
Now you step through here.
373
00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:09,901
Just stand down, stand down.
-My nail! My nail!
374
00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:11,869
- Okay, let go of that.
- My grandmother gave me that.
375
00:16:11,870 --> 00:16:15,073
No, no, no, I don't mean-- I'm
not trying to take away the gun.
376
00:16:15,074 --> 00:16:16,708
You're making it worse,
by the way.
377
00:16:16,709 --> 00:16:18,576
Hey, I got this one!
Got this one.
378
00:16:18,577 --> 00:16:20,111
Hey!
379
00:16:20,112 --> 00:16:21,846
Good. Can someone
cut me loose?
380
00:16:21,847 --> 00:16:24,782
Oh, I'm gonna take this
this way.
381
00:16:24,783 --> 00:16:26,484
-Hi, guys.
- And this...
382
00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:27,618
Oh.
- Did you call for backup?
383
00:16:27,619 --> 00:16:29,053
I'm gonna maypole you guys.
384
00:16:29,054 --> 00:16:31,155
- And I'm gonna separate...
- Ooh.
385
00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:33,224
- I don't know what that means.
- Maypole? I'm gonna maypole.
386
00:16:33,225 --> 00:16:35,093
Can I use that for a second?
And it just as apply--
387
00:16:35,094 --> 00:16:36,861
- This? Yeah.
-I need a...
388
00:16:36,862 --> 00:16:38,396
Yeah. I'm gonna pry.
- Wait, we got that one out!
389
00:16:38,397 --> 00:16:40,264
Don't get it back in!
We got that one out.
390
00:16:40,265 --> 00:16:43,167
- Okay, if you go up that way...
-I'm gonna maypole it.
391
00:16:43,168 --> 00:16:44,635
- AAh! Shit!
- Sorry. Sorry.
392
00:16:44,636 --> 00:16:47,071
Now go under here...
393
00:16:47,072 --> 00:16:48,973
Whoa!
394
00:16:48,974 --> 00:16:50,108
Was that me?
395
00:16:50,109 --> 00:16:51,909
I'm gonna come down.
396
00:16:51,910 --> 00:16:53,911
- You go under, go under!
-Wait. Oh, my God. Wait.
397
00:16:53,912 --> 00:16:56,581
Hey!
398
00:16:56,582 --> 00:16:58,116
- All right.
- You did it.
399
00:16:58,117 --> 00:16:59,851
- That's great, buddy.
-That's nice.
400
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:02,887
You got licenses
for all these guns, right?
401
00:17:02,888 --> 00:17:04,889
- Uh...
- See ya.
402
00:17:04,890 --> 00:17:07,091
- This is why we have this now.
- I love that.
403
00:17:07,092 --> 00:17:08,960
These cost a lot.
I can't actually turn around.
404
00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:10,728
Hang on, no, shit, I got it.
- Can you turn it?
405
00:17:10,729 --> 00:17:12,130
You need help?
- ...give them a head start.
406
00:17:12,131 --> 00:17:13,931
No, I want them
to have a head start.
407
00:17:13,932 --> 00:17:16,969
- All right, there we go.
- When they go high, I come low.
408
00:17:20,606 --> 00:17:23,941
"No more breaking heads,
only breaking breads."
409
00:17:23,942 --> 00:17:26,310
All cops must stop
using nightsticks
410
00:17:26,311 --> 00:17:29,181
and carry breadsticks
to hand out to the homeless.
411
00:17:31,683 --> 00:17:33,551
Boo!
412
00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:35,019
You can boo me personally.
413
00:17:35,020 --> 00:17:36,454
I've been booed.
-Okay. Okay.
414
00:17:36,455 --> 00:17:38,723
I was booed three times
on the way up here.
415
00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:40,358
A boo doesn't frighten me.
-Wait.
416
00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:42,527
I'm like a brave kid
at Halloween.
417
00:17:42,528 --> 00:17:43,828
Boos mean nothing to me.
418
00:17:43,829 --> 00:17:45,396
Wait, did I see you
last spring?
419
00:17:45,397 --> 00:17:47,865
- Yes, you did.
- You were... I... Uh... Uh...
420
00:17:47,866 --> 00:17:50,034
Wha... Wha... You were doing
some stand-up comedy?
421
00:17:50,035 --> 00:17:51,769
- I was doing stand-up comedy.
- Yeah!
422
00:17:51,770 --> 00:17:53,704
- Well, I was already a lawyer--
- Yeah.
423
00:17:53,705 --> 00:17:54,739
But I was doing
stand-up comedy.
424
00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:56,340
I saw... I...
425
00:17:56,341 --> 00:17:58,142
- I saw you booed! I--
- You remember this line...
426
00:17:58,143 --> 00:18:01,646
"What do I have in common
with... with... with alcoholics?
427
00:18:01,647 --> 00:18:03,147
I never passed the bar--"
428
00:18:03,148 --> 00:18:04,782
'Cause I was a lawyer
and I failed the bar.
429
00:18:04,783 --> 00:18:06,551
I don't get it
but I love your enthusiasm.
430
00:18:06,552 --> 00:18:08,487
- Another demand!
- Okay.
431
00:18:09,221 --> 00:18:13,624
"All cops in order to be
well-rested and peaceful
432
00:18:13,625 --> 00:18:16,294
must reduce their shifts
to eight hours
433
00:18:16,295 --> 00:18:20,065
with a solid one hour
sit-down lunch everyday."
434
00:18:24,169 --> 00:18:26,370
- Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
- Yeah. Yeah, we'll take that.
435
00:18:26,371 --> 00:18:27,972
Agreeing to that
means that you agree
436
00:18:27,973 --> 00:18:29,775
to all the other demands.
437
00:18:30,976 --> 00:18:32,376
- Whatever
- Yeah. Yeah.
438
00:18:32,377 --> 00:18:33,611
That's fine, great.
439
00:18:33,612 --> 00:18:35,146
Hey, be careful
on the way out,
440
00:18:35,147 --> 00:18:36,581
there's a booby-trap
set on your right-hand side.
441
00:18:36,582 --> 00:18:37,916
- Okay.
- Okay, yeah.
442
00:18:40,519 --> 00:18:42,488
- Oh, shit, Frank, look out.
- Aah! Look out!
443
00:18:51,196 --> 00:18:52,497
Whoa!
444
00:18:52,498 --> 00:18:56,300
Tear gas, pepper spray,
hand sanitizers?
445
00:18:56,301 --> 00:18:59,136
There's not enough room
on my belt!
446
00:18:59,137 --> 00:19:01,273
There's gotta be a better way.
447
00:19:03,742 --> 00:19:05,410
Now there is.
448
00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:08,179
It's the latest advancement
from Policetek.
449
00:19:08,180 --> 00:19:10,582
{\an8}It's a tear gas
and hand sanitizer.
450
00:19:11,416 --> 00:19:15,419
{\an8}It kills 99 out of 100 germs.
And it takes out peaceful pro--
451
00:19:15,420 --> 00:19:18,090
Violent protesters
like a pack of pit bulls.
452
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:23,594
Shit!
453
00:19:23,595 --> 00:19:26,999
Not only that, it's a hell
of an antiperspirant.
454
00:19:29,468 --> 00:19:30,768
- A-ha-ha.
- Ho-ho. Whoo!
455
00:19:30,769 --> 00:19:33,704
Wow, it kills those
stubborn germs
456
00:19:33,705 --> 00:19:35,773
that cause
distasteful body odor.
457
00:19:35,774 --> 00:19:39,010
- Mmm. Peppery.
- Mm.
458
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:41,946
{\an8}-We call it Brut-ality.
-[coughs] Brut-ality.
459
00:19:41,947 --> 00:19:44,482
{\an8}It's the tear gas,
hand sanitizer, antiperspirant
460
00:19:44,483 --> 00:19:46,584
{\an8}we've all been waiting for.
461
00:19:46,585 --> 00:19:49,921
{\an8}For the new reality,
we need some...
462
00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:50,956
Brut-ality.
463
00:19:51,723 --> 00:19:55,027
Uh... It spices up taco night,
too.
464
00:19:57,229 --> 00:19:59,430
Oh!
465
00:19:59,431 --> 00:20:02,033
- You okay? He's okay.
- Yeah!
466
00:20:03,468 --> 00:20:04,870
{\an8}Milk!
Give me some milk!
467
00:20:09,274 --> 00:20:10,708
{\an8}Sir,
let's deescalate this.
468
00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:12,777
{\an8}- Deescalate this.
- Deescalate.
469
00:20:12,778 --> 00:20:14,712
{\an8}- No, we're not doing this.
- No, no, no, no!
470
00:20:14,713 --> 00:20:16,581
No, no, no, no, no! No!
471
00:20:16,582 --> 00:20:18,950
-Oh, God. Put it away.
-Put that away.
472
00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:20,651
- You, you... No, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, no, no.
473
00:20:20,652 --> 00:20:22,353
- Oh, gross. Gross.
- Hey, hey.
474
00:20:22,354 --> 00:20:24,122
- No.
- Use your words.
475
00:20:24,656 --> 00:20:27,291
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
-No, no, no, no, no!
476
00:20:27,292 --> 00:20:29,827
Slow down! No!
Slow down! No!
477
00:20:29,828 --> 00:20:31,295
No, no, no!
478
00:20:31,296 --> 00:20:33,364
- Hey, no. No. Ugh.
-No. No.
479
00:20:33,365 --> 00:20:34,865
- Look out!
- No!
480
00:20:34,866 --> 00:20:36,767
-Sir...
-Hey!
481
00:20:36,768 --> 00:20:38,436
-Call security!
-No. No.
482
00:20:38,437 --> 00:20:39,904
-Whoa.
-Hey!
483
00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:41,038
Call security
on this dude, man.
484
00:20:41,039 --> 00:20:42,206
Don't take him on! No!
485
00:20:42,207 --> 00:20:43,608
Son of a bitch!
- Whoa!
486
00:20:43,609 --> 00:20:45,409
-Hold on!
- Do not go back outside.
487
00:20:45,410 --> 00:20:47,278
- Look out! Look out!
- Get out of the way!
488
00:20:47,279 --> 00:20:49,981
Hey! Hey! Oh!
-Sir! Sir!
489
00:20:49,982 --> 00:20:53,784
O-ho! Oh!
490
00:20:53,785 --> 00:20:54,753
Ah!
491
00:20:55,821 --> 00:20:56,888
Camera.
492
00:20:57,556 --> 00:20:58,889
I lost him.
493
00:20:58,890 --> 00:21:01,325
It smells like
balls out here.
494
00:21:01,326 --> 00:21:02,728
That's right!
495
00:21:03,362 --> 00:21:06,564
Say, Amy Coney Barrett!
496
00:21:06,565 --> 00:21:08,834
What, what! Amy, what!
497
00:21:09,301 --> 00:21:10,668
Coney-- Oh, hey!
-Hey!
498
00:21:10,669 --> 00:21:12,503
Dangle?
-Are you guys signing up?
37529
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