Original subtitles

Uh, good morning, gang.

Morning.

Again, I, uh

I apologize for the aroma.

Uh, we're going to get to the bottom of it.

Junior, what do you think is stuck in there?

Smells like possum. I'll find it.

Oh, God.

Those signs we thought were a goof

that said, "many hand jobs."

The real estate thing, it's not a goof.

It's a Indian guy. That's really his name.

- Manny Handjobs. - Oh, Okay.

Uh, so, we gotta put them all back up.

It was not a prank.

Uh, I'm getting close, I think.

'Uh, in other news, uh'

oh, hey, it's Reno pride day.

Jones and Kimball, you've been selected

to escort our oldest living World War II veteran.

Uh, parade duty, so, dress browns and look your best.

Oh, God!

Oh!

Oh, my God. Found it.

Sheriff's department! Freeze! Freeze!

Get on the ground. Freeze.

What? What?

Alright.

- Oh, no! - There's a tornado.

Hell no, we won't blow.

Yeah!

He's my friend!

Ahh!

'Good morning, gang.'

Morning.

Hey, the 10k fun run for Lupus is back on.

- Whoo-hoo. - Yay.

Oh, sorry.

Why-why-why have you brought in the carcass of a dead goat?

Uh, this one was just off the shoulder of route 395.

- Uh... - Don't need its life story.

Don't need its life story. Skip ahead.

- Fast forward to? - Fast forward to.

I picked it up and put it on the table.

Okay, now, we gotta go back a little way before that

and explain why you picked it up why you put it in a garbage bag

and now why you brought it in, so, let's-before-yeah...

You know what, let's go scan through

the middle part of the story.

So, we took them dead possums out of the wall.

'I-I'm thinking, what do you do with dead possum?'

Turns out, there's a guy in town

the commissioner of animal carcass removal

he gets eight grand per year

part time, to get rid of dead animals

plus, he gets $1.22 a pound

for every animal carcass he destroys, cha-ching.

I'm going to run for dead animal carcass commissioner.

You can get voted in?

Hell, yeah. Every two years, coming up.

It just pays for beer money with dead goats.

That seems like a total no-brainer.

I could do this. I can nail this.

- Congratulations? - 'Yeah.'

W-wha-what are we, what are we saying?

Oh!

Okay.

Got another call out here to the old junkyard.

Uh, what happens is...

...the kids treat it like inspiration point.

They come up, they run out of gas

and then it's Frenching and [bleep] all around.

Doing it and [bleep].

Yep, and the, uh, night watchman calls us.

Sheriff's department.

- We, um-- - Oh-ho, what's going on?

No, no, no, no, no, no, don't you dare.

'Don't you dare! No, no, hey, hey!'

- No, wait! - Hey! Get back here!

- 'Freeze!' - Don't you dare run from us!

'Freeze! Hey, freeze!'

'Freeze!'

Oh, poop.

Hello?

'Private property, mother[bleep].'

'What the hell you doing on my land?'

Come on, get out! Get out!

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Oh [bleep].

- It's okay. - Oh, my God.

- It's okay. - Oh!

We're out of gas.

Did he say we were out of gas?

Out of gas, um, hmm.

Guess we'll just have to, uh

wait it out, I guess.

Don't, don't, don't.

I'm going for gas.

If they have a three way, if I go for gas

and they have a three way... If you have a three way with...

- Hey, hey! - Shut up.

Sergeant Blake, it is an honor to drive you, sir, an honor.

- What? - It's an honor to drive you.

- Who are you talking to? - To you, sir.

To you... Sergeant Blake. You, sir.

- Hey! - Freedom!

Hey, look, we got a black driver!

Back like the old days.

Who said we couldn't go back?

Oh, who are you?

- Miss teen Reno. - Oh, yeah? How much?

- What? - How much? How much?

- I'm not for sale. - No, no, no, not forever.

Just for a couple of minutes, you know?

I think it's very, uh, inspirational

Travis is, uh, running for office.

On paper, he doesn't look like a good candidate.

Uh, his record with the sheriff's department

is... sketchy.

He, uh, you know, there was a couple random drug tests

that went kinda hinky, um--

There's nothing random about me getting drug tested

once a week for two months.

That's not random. That's you drug testing me.

True, it was, it was specific test.

Y-You were acting really weird for a while there.

Yeah, I got a bad batch of something

and, uh, I just kept taking it

'cause what was I going to do? Sell it?

Anyway, on paper

doesn't look like that good a candidate.

In person...

Hi, how y'all doing?

Look, I hate to interrupt your lap dance

but I'm just working through the neighborhood

letting people know that I think that

there's finally a decent man running for

the department of animal carcass removal commissioner.

And that's me, Travis Junior.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

This is another slick, professional politician

who doesn't care about you.

He only cares about your vote.

Oh, God, can I just dance back here?

I'd rather you not but I guess it's your call.

You're going to have to give me a second, Joe.

I can't stand up right now.

- Roll down your window. - How?

No.

Roll down the other window, please.

- Um, I apologize. - Mm-hmm.

So, smells like you've had

a couple, a couple drinks tonight after work, huh?

- No, no. - Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, I'm pretty sure. - Heh-heh-heh.

Can I see your license and registration, please?

Oh, uh, I was going to suggest that.

I don't need to run this license

'cause I see you live on 1234 Happy Face Lane

in Disneyland, USA.

It's a very nice place to live.

Mm-hmm. Sir, I want you to look me in the eye.

Just look me in the eye, please?

- You have gorgeous eyes. - Thank you.

- Thank your mother. - Oh, I will.

How many fingers am I holding up?

- Uh, including thumbs? - Yes.

- Several. - Okay.

Sir? Are you legally blind?

Technically... yes.

- Okay. - How-how did you know?

Oh, hi.

You know, everybody loves animals

but those feelings change

when that same animal is dead

and covered with maggots in your carport.

One dead beaver or marmot in your crawlspace

can [bleep] up your life.

Well, I'm Travis Junior and I'm here to help.

If you elect me commissioner

of the department of animal carcass removal

then I'll become commissioner

of the department of animal carcass removal.

Don't let your animal get caught dead without me.

Well, Travis Junior, for animal carcass removal commissioner.

Paid for it by Travis Junior

for animal carcass removal commissioner committee.

- Yay, Reno's number one! - Drunk Indian. Drunk Indian

Drunk Indian, lazy Mexican, dumb Polack, drunk Indian.

Wow, they all came out.

Back in the day

we used to get [bleep]jobs at this church.

Go in the back. I don't remember his name.

Father... Uh, started with a "t."

I-I-I'm not-I'm not lying when I say

I'm very happy to see a black boy driving a car.

- Ah. - Sir, uh--

'Cause for a long time, I didn't even think

you guys were smart enough to ride a car.

- Oh. - See that house over there?

- See that one right there? - Yeah.

Back in the day, me and Sebi

and Gene and Tully, we'd go there

we'd get... two fat Mexicans

two skinny, skinny, skinny Orientals.

- And one Indian girl. - Of course you did.

We got her real drunk, so she'd just pass out.

Do 'em all. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

And then, uh, Indian, we'd just use her as a pillow.

We'd sleep on her afterwards.

'Who called the cops?'

Hello?

Sheriff's department.

Wild and crazy guy. I get it.

He's the jerk.

Baby, who called the police?

They said we got a call, they said somebody was hurt.

911 call.

Oh.

Oh. Oh, no, no, hey!

Whoa!

I could not, personally

be an animal carcass-ist... removaler.

Uh, my cats brought in a dead mouse the other day

and I could not handle it.

I, I didn't want to dispose of the poor thing.

I put a little dress on it

uh, and I stuck it up in the curio cabinet.

And I tell people it's a figurine.

'Oh, for crying out loud.'

We got another one of these bungee marriages.

Sheriff's department!

Excuse me, you weren't invited to this.

'Yeah, I'm aware that we're not invited.'

'We're invited anywhere in Washoe County'

where people are doing something illegal.

And if you're planning to bungee jump off this bridge...

- 'That's illegal.' - 'Is that illegal?'

'Yes, it's absolutely illegal.'

People bungee jump all the time.

We're just combining a wedding and a bungee jump.

I total... Believe me, I understand the concept.

And God bless you, what a wonderful day.

And I also understand the metaphor.

You're taking a leap, it's wonderful, don't play that card.

But let me make something abundantly clear to you.

You cannot, you cannot bungee jump off this bridge.

Do you want your daddy to see your mug shot

all over the Internet?

Your mug shot will be all over the Internet.

Have you seen what happens with these Internet mug shots?

- Yeah. - They look--

Hey, Jim, tell her about the part where

she'll get raped in jail

if we bring her back on her wedding day.

It, it's bad. Take the bungee cords off.

And you can have your wonderful day

right over here away from, just away from the edge.

- Alright? - I'm comin'.

- You look very pretty. - Okay.

And by the power vested in me by the State of Nevada

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

'You may kiss the bride.'

'Yay!'

I got it!

She's fine, she's fine. I'm sure she's fine.

- 'It's okay.' - 'Do not look, do not look!'

She's fine.

Let's move this way, let's move this way

so there's no chance any of us would ever look

down to see that she is absolutely fine.

She's fine.

My associate is vomiting

for a totally unrelated reason.

Yeah, I'm sorry, them windows don't roll down back there.

Let me guess, now, let me guess.

Is that muskrat?

Muskrat, is that...

Damn, you done this before? That is muskrat.

I think I might have...

There might be some subtle hints of elk.

Uh, damn, you should join the carnival, boy.

You got elk in the trunk

you got two muskrat.

You got a couple of beaver

and I think it used to be possum

but honestly, I can't tell no more.

There's a little bit of possum in there.

I can smell the possum.

Just a touch, a touch of possum.

Playful, but robust.

- You know what I mean? - Yeah.

I'll get the air conditioning.

Oh, air conditioning's busted.

- Don't put it on recycle. - Yeah.

Put it on the air that's coming in.

Oh, it's busted anyway. Sorry about that.

Well, maybe that's for the better.

And now

'what better way to end today's great celebration'

'of Reno's 116th year as a city'

'than to hear from our guest of honor?'

US Marine Sergeant, retired, Andrew Blake.

Let's hear what he has to say

about these great United States of America.

Thank you, sir.

Uh, thank you.

Sergeant Blake has had an awfully long

and, and e-exhausting day.

I don't have any money!

It's been very strenuous

but he did ask me to relay to all of you

standing out here today, how proud he is

uh, to be a spokesperson and a representative

of the fine city of Reno, and I think, uh...

Thank you, lady officer.

Um...

I fought for this country...

...and I bled for this country

and [bleep] damn it, I will die for this country

because this is the best country around.

God bless America.

And now, if we could just get the

and the Jews, and the

and the Puerto Ricans, and the wetbacks

and the [bleep], and put 'em on a rocket

and send it up to the moon

and blow up the moon, then we got something, right?

'em all! 'em all!

'em all!

God bless America.

Mile marker six, Farm Route N-14

on a code 243.

That is a animal on the highway.

Cha-ching.

You can just go around.

- Oh, man. - 'Hey, how you doing?'

- 'Hey.' - What's going on?

Something...

Oh, look at that. That's very unfortunate, huh?

Oh, it's a complete tragedy.

- Tragedy. - Yeah.

There's nothing more upsetting

than to see an animal dead on the roadside.

I couldn't agree with you more.

'Don't worry'

my job, I'll take care of it.

This is your vocation?

- Well, yeah. - Animal carcass removal?

Animal carcass removal. Get rid of 'em.

You know what the most dangerous animal is?

- Injured? - 'Dangerous, injured animal?'

- 'Oh, you don't...' - It's a cat.

I'm talking about ferals.

Ferals are very, very dangerous.

I have never seen any other animal in my life

inflict so much injury

as a [bleep] feral cat!

You understand how dangerous they are?

I do, I do, sir.

And guess what you're talking to.

Aah! Some sort of feral cat enthusiast?

Yes, you are talking to an injured party.

Hello, I'm Jerry Salerno.

Who's that?

Oh, Jerry Salerno, of course! We finally meet.

I am an animal carcass removal commissioner

and you've moved in on my territory.

Oh, God. Ohh.

You understand now?

Oh, yeah.

Well, maybe there was a little misunderstanding

so for your trouble

and for picking up my cat, here.

Remember to spay and neuter your pets!

Are you voting for Junior

for, uh, carcass removal commissioner

whatnot of it all?

- Hell, no! - Why?

Before there was animal carcass removal

there was mother earth

and mother earth took care of it.

It-it-it-animals...

The circle of life.

- Yes. - Hakuna matata.

Other animals would come in, dinosaurs

what have you, would come in

take 'em out, whatever.

Okay, so, Junior doesn't get your vote

because he owes you money and used your cologne

and you're gonna wait for the dinosaurs to come in

and nibble at all the dead animals

that are on the Earth.

- You got a plan. - Yeah.

Now, are you with me?

Sheriff's department!

- Hello, officers, how are you? - Hello.

I want to report a violation of the law, okay?

The law of design!

Have you seen the exterior paint color

they're painting their trailer?

Come on.

I mean, their trailer is, uh, Dutch Colonial

'and they're painting it chartreuse?'

'I mean, even I'm not that daring.'

I'm gonna help you out right now.

If you take off your chartreuse glasses

I think the color of that house might change

'and we could go on and fight some real crime.'

Go on, look over there now.

- You know, it's not that bad. - 'It's a great color.'

To Travis Junior!

May the road...

May the road rise to meet you

and may it be littered

with the corpses of flattened possums.

- Yeah. - 'Hear, hear.'

'Here it comes, here it comes!'

'...the winner of the race'

'for animal carcass removal commissioner is'

'seven-time incumbent, Jerry Salerno.'

What?

- I'm sorry, Travis. - Hah!

I just gotta say, I have never, ever felt any better

than I do right now.

'Buddy, you don't have to do the Lou Gehrig thing.'

No, no, no. I already...

I already took the old commissioner's bribe.

'What?'

I was all set to fail the drug test tomorrow.

You was going to fail it? How?

I ate 17 hash brownies in the parking lot.

Oh, boy. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Okay. - I'm good, stop freaking out.

- Everybody's all paranoid. - Okay, okay.

Everybody's getting all paranoid.

Everybody relax, I'm going to put "Horse With No Name"

on the jukebox, okay?

- Thank you, thank you. - 'Uh, bad news.'

The only America they have is "Sister Golden Hair."

No!

- Yes, sir. - What if somebody...

I don't know, anybody at all happen to be traveling

in a police car at this time.

And, fortuitously had a relationship

with a police officer.

Will that police officer find it, um, I don't know, felonious

if one were to say he knew

where you could find about two acres

of just dead animals piled up.

Two acres?

Two acres of just nothing, but dead animals

who have been skinned.