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1
00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:07,798
Look alive, people!
2
00:00:07,799 --> 00:00:11,427
For the next 24 hours,
we will be entrusted
3
00:00:11,428 --> 00:00:14,722
with the most
dangerous criminal mastermind
4
00:00:14,723 --> 00:00:16,433
the Sierras has ever known.
5
00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:20,436
In 24 hours time
we will hand him over
6
00:00:20,437 --> 00:00:22,271
to the Federal Bureau
of Investigations.
7
00:00:22,272 --> 00:00:25,775
Until that time,
we must be vigilant.
8
00:00:27,527 --> 00:00:29,445
Watch your back.
9
00:00:29,446 --> 00:00:31,613
Watch your partner's back.
10
00:00:31,614 --> 00:00:32,239
This man is a genius.
11
00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:36,618
He will get inside your head
12
00:00:36,619 --> 00:00:38,454
and he will find
a way to escape.
13
00:00:38,455 --> 00:00:39,580
What are we gonna do?
14
00:00:39,581 --> 00:00:40,748
- Wash your back!
- Be vigilant, sir!
15
00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:45,377
Okay, w-well, okay, well,
here's what I was gonna say.
16
00:00:45,378 --> 00:00:48,756
- 'Give me an A!'
- 'No. Stop it.'
17
00:00:48,757 --> 00:00:49,673
'It's... And watch.'
18
00:00:49,674 --> 00:00:52,301
- Not wash.
- 'No one's washing anyone.'
19
00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:53,302
Battle stations!
20
00:01:07,358 --> 00:01:08,275
You guys!
21
00:01:10,653 --> 00:01:12,529
'Move him out! Move him out!
Move him out! Go!'
22
00:01:12,530 --> 00:01:14,156
Wiegel, you're with child!
23
00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:16,992
Oh, my gosh, you look,
you're radiant!
24
00:01:16,993 --> 00:01:18,076
- 'Thank you.'
- 'Don't engage him.'
25
00:01:18,077 --> 00:01:20,162
- 'Don't engage him.'
- Those glasses are so you.
26
00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:21,872
- Do not engage him.
- Thank you. Thank... Oh.
27
00:01:21,873 --> 00:01:23,123
Don't say thank you.
Do not engage him.
28
00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:25,502
I want you to know that on my
part, there's no hard feelings.
29
00:01:27,879 --> 00:01:29,339
'Come on...
It was a trick.'
30
00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:36,386
{\an8}Aah!
31
00:01:39,808 --> 00:01:41,558
{\an8}- I got it...
- Oh!
32
00:01:41,559 --> 00:01:43,770
{\an8}- Whoa!
- Oh! Oh!
33
00:01:50,109 --> 00:01:51,236
{\an8}Alright. Okay.
I got him by the belt.
34
00:01:54,405 --> 00:01:56,866
{\an8}Get back in the building!
No loitering!
35
00:02:02,205 --> 00:02:03,248
{\an8}Oh!
36
00:02:09,504 --> 00:02:13,131
Good morning. We are from the
Department of Homeland Security.
37
00:02:13,132 --> 00:02:16,510
My name is
Captain Dwayne Hernandez.
38
00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:19,346
Focus, people. This is about
fighting the terrorists.
39
00:02:19,347 --> 00:02:22,266
This is the face of freedom!
This is the face of freedom!
40
00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:24,143
{\an8}We were robbed
over the weekend. Uh...
41
00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:28,230
{\an8}They got away with, uh,
$300,000's worth of evidence
42
00:02:28,231 --> 00:02:31,024
{\an8}from the evidence room, and most
of the phones and computers.
43
00:02:31,025 --> 00:02:33,610
That person, uh, who called
himself Dwayne Hernandez
44
00:02:33,611 --> 00:02:37,448
is apparently, uh,
"Spanish Mike" Alverez.
45
00:02:40,159 --> 00:02:43,787
{\an8}I-I'm just worried that
46
00:02:43,788 --> 00:02:45,706
{\an8}you know, you're gonna
get in with Spanish Mike
47
00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:48,584
{\an8}and he's gonna talk you
out of your panties
48
00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:51,587
{\an8}in about 30 seconds flat.
49
00:02:51,588 --> 00:02:53,797
Jim, in fairness,
it's not that hard to talk me
50
00:02:53,798 --> 00:02:55,382
out of my panties
no matter who you are.
51
00:02:55,383 --> 00:02:56,384
True.
52
00:02:59,387 --> 00:03:00,429
{\an8}'Lieutenant Wagler,
report to the front office.'
53
00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:04,933
{\an8}'Lieutenant Wagler,
to the front office, please.'
54
00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:07,102
{\an8}Good afternoon,
Detective Wiegel.
55
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:13,609
I have hay fever.
My-my vocal cords get affected.
56
00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:15,611
- Are you okay?
- Yes.
57
00:03:15,612 --> 00:03:17,946
- Oh, it's good to see you.
- You too.
58
00:03:17,947 --> 00:03:20,282
- Look at you.
- Uh, here I am.
59
00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:21,783
Wow!
60
00:03:23,077 --> 00:03:25,329
I'm not supposed to, um,
actually engage you in any...
61
00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:28,290
- I understand, I understand.
- Sort of conversation, so...
62
00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:30,459
- I understand.
- Hello. Nice to see you, and...
63
00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:33,128
May I show you something?
64
00:03:33,129 --> 00:03:37,007
You tell me if you like it.
65
00:03:37,008 --> 00:03:39,635
Ohh! It's beautiful!
66
00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:42,846
- Like-like you are.
- Thank you.
67
00:03:42,847 --> 00:03:45,474
You know, Wiegel, I never
68
00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:46,351
I never told anyone this, but...
69
00:03:49,103 --> 00:03:52,689
...I never knew the taste
of my mother's breast.
70
00:03:52,690 --> 00:03:55,817
Oh, no.
71
00:03:55,818 --> 00:03:58,320
- And look where I am now.
- Oh!
72
00:03:58,321 --> 00:04:02,032
I was fed by the,
the village wet nurse.
73
00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:05,786
Her name was Marta, but everyone
called her Sarsaparilla.
74
00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:09,081
She had areolas the size
of half dollars.
75
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:11,166
And I bonded with her
instead of my mama.
76
00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:13,502
Oh, God, that's heartbreaking.
77
00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:16,213
I would like another chance.
78
00:04:16,214 --> 00:04:17,339
I know.
79
00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:20,509
All I need
is for you to slip the key
80
00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:23,345
through this
little opening here.
81
00:04:23,346 --> 00:04:25,889
That's all I need.
82
00:04:27,642 --> 00:04:31,687
Wiegel, help me!
83
00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:34,189
Jim-Jim said no talking
84
00:04:34,190 --> 00:04:35,857
don't engage him,
don't even look at him
85
00:04:35,858 --> 00:04:38,819
but he didn't say anything
about holding hands.
86
00:04:38,820 --> 00:04:41,030
So... quickly.
87
00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:47,494
'Thank you.'
88
00:04:47,495 --> 00:04:48,537
Can you hold something else?
89
00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:50,372
Sure.
90
00:04:50,373 --> 00:04:54,376
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
Definitely not.
91
00:04:57,171 --> 00:04:58,005
{\an8}Sheriff's Department!
92
00:04:58,006 --> 00:04:59,548
{\an8}Did someone call
the Sheriff's Department?
93
00:04:59,549 --> 00:05:03,176
{\an8}Hello, hello.
Anybody here dial 911?
94
00:05:03,177 --> 00:05:05,053
{\an8}Sir, are you
the Boozehammer of Galen?
95
00:05:05,054 --> 00:05:07,264
I-I am Boozehammer of Galen.
96
00:05:07,265 --> 00:05:08,724
What is the nature
of your emergency, sir?
97
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:12,394
There's a massive anachronism
going, uh, on down.
98
00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:13,562
- Uh, we have a gentleman...
- There's a what?
99
00:05:13,563 --> 00:05:19,901
Using a, uh, uh, cold iron
Sparta, which is a circa 1195.
100
00:05:19,902 --> 00:05:22,738
Uh, I believe the cutoff year
here is 1095.
101
00:05:22,739 --> 00:05:24,072
And you called the
Sheriff's Department
102
00:05:24,073 --> 00:05:25,699
because of the... For this...
Because of this?
103
00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:27,200
'Well, yes.
It's upsetting people.'
104
00:05:27,201 --> 00:05:28,326
It's upsetting my-my, uh
105
00:05:28,327 --> 00:05:31,038
mount, Viggo,
and I, you know, don't want to--
106
00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:32,414
'Out of date of your little
make-me-up play.'
107
00:05:32,415 --> 00:05:35,584
- How'd you call us?
- I used a scrying device.
108
00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:37,794
Um, from...
109
00:05:37,795 --> 00:05:39,379
What is a scrying device, sir?
110
00:05:39,380 --> 00:05:40,422
'Sorry.'
111
00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:42,424
Are you okay?
112
00:05:42,425 --> 00:05:44,718
My, uh, scrying device
is on vibrate.
113
00:05:44,719 --> 00:05:46,970
- I must've been getting a, uh--
- He's using a cell phone!
114
00:05:46,971 --> 00:05:48,055
You used a cellular telephone.
115
00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:50,640
I-I refer to it as
a scrying device, that I use--
116
00:05:50,641 --> 00:05:51,475
'Why? Why?'
117
00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:55,437
Be-because we are
in the year 1095.
118
00:05:55,438 --> 00:05:56,980
Now you're pissin' me off,
tubby!
119
00:05:56,981 --> 00:05:59,274
- I... No. This is--
- 'Okay, I got a question--
120
00:05:59,275 --> 00:06:02,736
This is my winter fat that
I have not had enough jousting
121
00:06:02,737 --> 00:06:04,112
to work off my winter fat.
122
00:06:04,113 --> 00:06:06,114
'It's August.'
123
00:06:06,115 --> 00:06:07,949
The cotton candy ain't helpin',
either, bro.
124
00:06:07,950 --> 00:06:13,121
This is, this is spun sugar.
They-they had this in 1095.
125
00:06:13,122 --> 00:06:15,457
Viggo? You know what?
Viggo and I are leaving.
126
00:06:15,458 --> 00:06:16,833
'No, you're not.
You're coming with us now.'
127
00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:18,251
- 'You and Viggo are coming--'
- No. Viggo.
128
00:06:18,252 --> 00:06:20,253
- Have you stapled in?
- No--
129
00:06:20,254 --> 00:06:21,171
'No, let's get some
pretzel bread.'
130
00:06:21,172 --> 00:06:23,340
Would you just
say pretzel?
131
00:06:23,341 --> 00:06:24,633
- It's not pretzel bread.
- It's not pretzel bread.
132
00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:25,926
It's a [bleep] pretzel.
133
00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:27,761
You're gonna get an angry
couplet. Are you ready?
134
00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:28,678
- Go. Fire away.
- Yes.
135
00:06:28,679 --> 00:06:32,641
'In mirrored pools
which cover your eyes'
136
00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:35,685
'and frightening is the fur
on your skinny thighs.'
137
00:06:35,686 --> 00:06:38,021
- And I think I've put--
- Get down...
138
00:06:38,022 --> 00:06:39,523
- Get down off that burro!
- Viggo. Viggo. Viggo!
139
00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:42,192
- Mom, mom!
- Off the donkey.
140
00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:44,277
- Listen--
- Your mom can't help you now.
141
00:06:44,278 --> 00:06:47,489
I'm being taken
to the future
142
00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:49,658
but I'll, I will return with,
I'll return with medicine!
143
00:06:49,659 --> 00:06:52,828
- 'No, he won't.'
- I will bring medicine!
144
00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:55,163
He'll return in a DeLorean
with Doc Brown.
145
00:06:55,164 --> 00:06:57,999
- How about that?
- Oh, th-that's really funny.
146
00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,960
You should be
in the jester booth.
147
00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:08,176
{\an8}Thank you, everybody. Uh...
148
00:07:08,177 --> 00:07:12,222
{\an8}My name is, uh, Deputy Kimball,
and I...
149
00:07:12,223 --> 00:07:15,016
Alright, everybody,
settle down now.
150
00:07:15,017 --> 00:07:18,645
Hey! On the count of three,
I want quiet!
151
00:07:18,646 --> 00:07:24,234
One, two, three.
152
00:07:26,028 --> 00:07:28,780
Everybody just settle down!
Now, I'm-I'm serious.
153
00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:31,533
Now, if y'all don't...
154
00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:33,702
If y'all don't want detention...
If you know what's good...
155
00:07:33,703 --> 00:07:35,662
Now, you, especially, I want
you to be quiet right now!
156
00:07:35,663 --> 00:07:37,706
Now, stop it!
157
00:07:39,208 --> 00:07:40,375
Everybody shut up!
158
00:07:45,506 --> 00:07:48,049
Well, alright.
159
00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:51,845
My name is Deputy Kimball, and
it's very good to meet you all.
160
00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:53,597
How are you all doin' today?
161
00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:07,402
I think it's time for us to move
on to sex and intercourse.
162
00:08:07,403 --> 00:08:09,237
I agree,
which makes it consensual
163
00:08:09,238 --> 00:08:10,363
so there's no problem
164
00:08:10,364 --> 00:08:12,407
although you do look
a little young to me.
165
00:08:14,535 --> 00:08:15,535
Freeze!
166
00:08:15,536 --> 00:08:17,746
Never have sex with anyone
167
00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:22,083
until you see
a government issued ID
168
00:08:22,084 --> 00:08:24,127
with their birth date on it.
169
00:08:24,128 --> 00:08:26,379
Anyone you're having sex with
170
00:08:26,380 --> 00:08:30,425
should be born before
today's date in...
171
00:08:30,426 --> 00:08:32,093
'1990.'
172
00:08:32,094 --> 00:08:33,720
Do the math.
173
00:08:33,721 --> 00:08:37,557
Or get yourself some
Sheriff's Department
174
00:08:37,558 --> 00:08:38,600
bling-bling.
175
00:08:42,104 --> 00:08:43,230
{\an8}- Uh-oh! Uh-oh!
- Here's one! Here's one!
176
00:08:43,231 --> 00:08:44,731
{\an8}Oh! Oh! Stop!
177
00:08:44,732 --> 00:08:47,275
{\an8}- Stop!
- Nice!
178
00:08:47,276 --> 00:08:48,443
{\an8}- Nice one, ma'am.
- Dammit.
179
00:08:48,444 --> 00:08:49,903
Do you want to step out
of the car?
180
00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:51,613
- I don't drink.
- Can I see your license?
181
00:08:51,614 --> 00:08:53,156
None of these people
drink either--
182
00:08:53,157 --> 00:08:54,616
I don't drink alcohol!
183
00:08:54,617 --> 00:08:56,326
- I don't even drink, okay?
- Okay.
184
00:08:56,327 --> 00:08:58,662
I'm just out of the program,
and I do not drink.
185
00:08:58,663 --> 00:09:00,747
- Okay, th-this way.
- Arms out.
186
00:09:00,748 --> 00:09:02,457
You have a little bit
of a camel-toe, miss.
187
00:09:02,458 --> 00:09:05,669
I know! But I don't
make these uniforms!
188
00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:07,295
You're a little
belligerent, ma'am.
189
00:09:07,296 --> 00:09:08,964
I'm not belligerent!
I'm angry.
190
00:09:08,965 --> 00:09:11,967
I feel victimized!
By you, blondie!
191
00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:13,426
You smell like a winery.
192
00:09:13,427 --> 00:09:16,972
That's because I had a cold,
and I took something for it.
193
00:09:16,973 --> 00:09:18,473
- You took some wine?
- No.
194
00:09:18,474 --> 00:09:20,809
I took a cough syrup tank.
195
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:21,977
Ma'am, you can get your purse
196
00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:23,478
and go in there
with the other drunks.
197
00:09:23,479 --> 00:09:26,022
- Susan?
- I'm not drunk I said--
198
00:09:26,023 --> 00:09:28,149
Get your purse
and go over here.
199
00:09:28,150 --> 00:09:30,318
- Seize the vehicle.
- No!
200
00:09:30,319 --> 00:09:32,279
- Yes!
- No!
201
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:33,863
Get her off, get her off,
get her off, get her off!
202
00:09:33,864 --> 00:09:36,992
Give me my car,
you little [bleep].
203
00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:39,327
- Get her off, get her off!
- Do you want me to tase you?
204
00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:40,912
- Thank you for your--
- We are getting a paddy wagon.
205
00:09:40,913 --> 00:09:43,665
You are all going to go
in the paddy wagon.
206
00:09:43,666 --> 00:09:44,874
- . Hey!
- No lights.
207
00:09:44,875 --> 00:09:48,045
- Cowboy. Cowboy, over here.
- Do not do that.
208
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:50,922
- Cowboy--
- Hey, hey, hey, hey! Get off!
209
00:09:50,923 --> 00:09:54,342
- Get him! Get him!
- Get off!
210
00:09:54,343 --> 00:09:56,469
- Get him!
- Get off!
211
00:09:56,470 --> 00:09:57,887
- I got her.
- You can't...
212
00:09:57,888 --> 00:09:58,680
Hey! Hey! Get out of my pooper.
213
00:09:58,681 --> 00:10:02,017
She went on my...
She's got... Sir!
214
00:10:02,018 --> 00:10:03,351
Son of a bitch.
215
00:10:03,352 --> 00:10:05,645
- Alright.
- You hold her.
216
00:10:05,646 --> 00:10:07,188
- Get the big black guy!
- Cuff this one!
217
00:10:07,189 --> 00:10:09,024
- No! No!
- Pinky!
218
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:11,026
I got her, I got her,
I got her!
219
00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:19,534
{\an8}I saw Anita Franco last year.
220
00:10:19,535 --> 00:10:20,869
{\an8}In Madrid, Spain.
She was wonderful!
221
00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:24,539
{\an8}Do you know Anita Franco?
222
00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:27,250
I've heard, heard a couple
of her tunes.
223
00:10:27,251 --> 00:10:30,713
You have, have you?
I-I thought as much.
224
00:10:31,922 --> 00:10:34,090
She's a very talented
entertainer.
225
00:10:34,091 --> 00:10:35,008
Yes, she is,
she's her own person
226
00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:38,762
a-and God bless her for it,
you know?
227
00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:39,888
Frigging men!
228
00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:43,184
them stupid men!
229
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:46,020
Ohh! I hate men.
230
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:48,063
I'm here because I'm a man
231
00:10:48,064 --> 00:10:51,232
because of men and their laws!
232
00:10:51,233 --> 00:10:53,069
I cannot be free!
233
00:10:54,028 --> 00:10:57,697
I know what you're trying
to do, Spanish Mike.
234
00:10:57,698 --> 00:10:59,115
They told me what you did
235
00:10:59,116 --> 00:10:59,866
and they told me how you charmed
236
00:10:59,867 --> 00:11:02,577
and they told me how you flirt
237
00:11:02,578 --> 00:11:05,914
and they told me how you
s-sink into people's brains.
238
00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:07,916
If few dozen words could have
and my aunts had tits
239
00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:12,253
my uncle would be my, whatever.
240
00:11:12,254 --> 00:11:15,132
God, I hate jail! It sucks!
241
00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:22,931
{\an8}Okay, we're gonna start
with our feet together
242
00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:26,226
{\an8}and we're gonna
take our right hand
243
00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:28,395
{\an8}and we're gonna bring our right
244
00:11:28,396 --> 00:11:29,938
{\an8}our right hand to our nose, okay
245
00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:32,941
and we're gonna go one, two
246
00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:34,943
three, four.
247
00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:38,446
Other hand, five, six
248
00:11:38,447 --> 00:11:39,781
seven, eight.
249
00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:41,908
Five, six, seven, eight
250
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:44,452
and one, two, three, four
251
00:11:44,453 --> 00:11:45,995
five, six, seven, eight
252
00:11:45,996 --> 00:11:48,832
Walk, two, three, four
253
00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:50,708
booty, booty, shimmy up
254
00:11:50,709 --> 00:11:53,086
and hip, hip, hip, hip
255
00:11:53,087 --> 00:11:54,963
roller, six, seven, eight!
256
00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:57,298
You've all passed
your audition
257
00:11:57,299 --> 00:11:59,342
and you're all goin' to jail!
258
00:12:03,639 --> 00:12:05,348
{\an8}Ho! Calm down!
259
00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:08,351
{\an8}- Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
260
00:12:08,352 --> 00:12:08,977
{\an8}Guys, guys,
I need you for a second.
261
00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:11,146
{\an8}Unh-unh, lady. Hands off.
262
00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:13,356
Have you guys ever been
or done security
263
00:12:13,357 --> 00:12:14,983
for a Ted Nugent concert before?
264
00:12:14,984 --> 00:12:16,109
- No. No, sir.
- No.
265
00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:17,652
Alright,
here are some of the rules.
266
00:12:17,653 --> 00:12:20,321
Uh, don't ever look to the Nuge
directly in the eye.
267
00:12:20,322 --> 00:12:21,990
'Don't pull on the Nuge's
hair.'
268
00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:24,492
Don't pull out a wrist rocket
and shoot him in the face
269
00:12:24,493 --> 00:12:27,996
with a ball bearing, like
happened in 1978 in Kansas City.
270
00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:28,997
Alright? Don't do that!
271
00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:30,290
If he wants to talk
about hunting
272
00:12:30,291 --> 00:12:31,166
specifically bow hunting
273
00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:33,835
get interested,
get real interested, okay?
274
00:12:33,836 --> 00:12:36,212
{\an8}- 'Yeah, whatever.'
- Yeah, not whatever.
275
00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:37,422
I need an affirmative on this.
276
00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:38,590
- We got it.
- Yeah, yeah.
277
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,008
- Guys, don't be a dick back...
- We're not being a dick--
278
00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:43,511
This is important. This could be
a career move for you guys.
279
00:12:43,512 --> 00:12:45,221
Do you own any
Ted Nugent albums?
280
00:12:45,222 --> 00:12:46,848
I do not have
any Fred Nugent albums.
281
00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:49,184
- It is Ted Nugent, sir.
- Whatever. I don't have 'em.
282
00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:54,189
If the Nuge aka Ted Nugent
asks you after this concert
283
00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:55,565
if you own some of his albums
284
00:12:55,566 --> 00:12:57,233
'what do you think
you might say then, dick?'
285
00:12:57,234 --> 00:13:00,403
You might wanna say,
"Uh, yes, sir, I love your work
286
00:13:00,404 --> 00:13:02,739
and I have several
of your vinyl albums at home."
287
00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:04,240
He might not like
your hairstyle.
288
00:13:04,241 --> 00:13:05,700
You might be asked
to lay it down.
289
00:13:05,701 --> 00:13:07,368
I'm not laying down anything.
Sir, I'm doin' my job.
290
00:13:07,369 --> 00:13:09,204
When you've had respect
for the Nuge, maybe later on.
291
00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:10,538
Alright, wait, here he comes.
292
00:13:10,539 --> 00:13:12,749
Alright, you two dumbasses,
don't screw this up.
293
00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:15,376
This is big-time, got it?
This is the Nuge!
294
00:13:31,101 --> 00:13:33,102
- .
- .
295
00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:41,319
{\an8}'Lieutenant David,
report to the front office.'
296
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,197
{\an8}'Lieutenant David,
to the front office, please.'
297
00:13:44,198 --> 00:13:44,990
{\an8}Mike?
298
00:13:46,158 --> 00:13:49,328
{\an8}Mike Alvarez...
Holy [bleep].
299
00:13:52,998 --> 00:13:54,582
How are you?
300
00:13:54,583 --> 00:13:55,917
Not supposed to talk to ya.
301
00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:58,419
Everyone has spoken to me.
302
00:13:58,420 --> 00:14:00,797
You're not breaking any rules
or anything, believe me.
303
00:14:00,798 --> 00:14:03,383
It's all very relaxed here.
It's all very...
304
00:14:03,384 --> 00:14:04,217
At ease, officer, at ease...
305
00:14:04,218 --> 00:14:06,761
- Okay.
- What you guys got there?
306
00:14:06,762 --> 00:14:07,762
9-millimeter?
307
00:14:07,763 --> 00:14:09,597
Uh, yeah, we got a Beretta.
Yeah.
308
00:14:09,598 --> 00:14:10,598
- Is that a Beretta?
- 'Yeah.'
309
00:14:10,599 --> 00:14:12,225
How does that feel?
310
00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:14,143
It-it's a pretty light gun,
not much of a kick
311
00:14:14,144 --> 00:14:17,105
just because it's got
automatic action, but, uh...
312
00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:19,399
- Pretty good firearm.
- 'So half a pound?'
313
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:20,942
- Yeah, see?
- Oh, that's nice.
314
00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:22,151
See I filed it down
a little bit.
315
00:14:22,152 --> 00:14:23,111
That would be too big
for my hand.
316
00:14:23,112 --> 00:14:25,947
No. I don't think so.
Yeah, okay.
317
00:14:25,948 --> 00:14:27,490
Can I feel the weight
of the thing?
318
00:14:27,491 --> 00:14:28,449
Yeah, it's pretty good, right?
319
00:14:28,450 --> 00:14:31,828
Yeah, but I can't...
Oh, this is open here.
320
00:14:31,829 --> 00:14:33,288
Just the weight.
Now, you hold on to it.
321
00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:35,123
No, I shouldn't do it
'cause I mean, you're a prisoner
322
00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:38,126
and it's a gun, and, like,
you know, that ain't really...
323
00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:40,336
Put the safety on.
Put the safety on.
324
00:14:40,337 --> 00:14:41,129
- Make sure it's on.
- Yeah, it's on.
325
00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:43,840
Don't take the safety off
though.
326
00:14:43,841 --> 00:14:46,801
Feel the balance, balance it up
on your finger there
327
00:14:46,802 --> 00:14:48,845
and you could feel it
just like perfectly align.
328
00:14:48,846 --> 00:14:50,096
For a cheap gun, it's not bad.
329
00:14:50,097 --> 00:14:52,807
No, it's a good gun.
Listen, I took the safety off.
330
00:14:52,808 --> 00:14:56,144
Nothing personal,
open the door, please.
331
00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:57,979
Took the bullets out!
332
00:14:57,980 --> 00:15:00,773
- Now who's inside whose head?
- 'I'm sorry?'
333
00:15:00,774 --> 00:15:02,150
Gotcha! Gotcha!
334
00:15:02,151 --> 00:15:04,027
- 'You took the bullets out?'
- Yeah, bullets are outside.
335
00:15:04,028 --> 00:15:05,194
- You took the bullets out?
- Yeah.
336
00:15:05,195 --> 00:15:07,280
There is no way I'd come in here
with bullets. You think--
337
00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:09,032
Touche, my friend.
Nicely played, my friend.
338
00:15:09,033 --> 00:15:12,285
- Gotcha. Gotcha.
- You got me, you got me.
339
00:15:12,286 --> 00:15:13,661
You son of a bitch!
340
00:15:13,662 --> 00:15:15,747
- You son of a bitch!
- Yeah. Yeah.
341
00:15:26,717 --> 00:15:28,343
You ain't gonna get
in my head, alright?
342
00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:31,679
I'm just gonna tell you that
straight up front. Alright?
343
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,348
I respect a strong black woman.
344
00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:36,142
- Yes, you do. Hey--
- Can I tell you something?
345
00:15:36,143 --> 00:15:38,186
No, don't tell me nothin' 'cause
I'm gonna tell you something.
346
00:15:38,187 --> 00:15:40,188
I'm gonna tell you
that I am like them guards
347
00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:42,315
that stand outside
the queen's house
348
00:15:42,316 --> 00:15:43,232
the ones, you know,
with the big hat on?
349
00:15:43,233 --> 00:15:46,486
People be sayin' stuff,
and they just, boom.
350
00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:48,196
I knew that about you. I always
knew that about you, Williams.
351
00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:50,823
- I always knew that about you.
- Alight. Alright.
352
00:15:50,824 --> 00:15:52,867
'What I was going to tell you
was on my mother's side'
353
00:15:52,868 --> 00:15:56,412
my grandmother's grandmother is
from Ghana, Africa, so, I'm...
354
00:15:56,413 --> 00:15:57,413
So you know I ain't
playin' around.
355
00:15:57,414 --> 00:16:00,958
I had a complete,
I had a total scholarship
356
00:16:00,959 --> 00:16:04,003
from Morehouse College
when I was 21
357
00:16:04,004 --> 00:16:05,546
but the, the man held me down!
358
00:16:05,547 --> 00:16:06,632
Pssh, come on.
359
00:16:07,591 --> 00:16:08,549
Right?
360
00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:09,550
I'm just sayin'
361
00:16:09,551 --> 00:16:11,260
when you do what you do
the way you do it
362
00:16:11,261 --> 00:16:13,554
you get respect.
363
00:16:13,555 --> 00:16:16,724
Preach, my Nubian princess,
preach! Oh!
364
00:16:16,725 --> 00:16:19,727
That's what I'm talkin' about!
365
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:24,232
Give me a pound on it!
Give me a pound on it!
366
00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:25,900
You're so crazy!
367
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:32,740
'Uh, ca-can you
let my hand go?'
368
00:16:32,741 --> 00:16:34,243
Please?
369
00:16:35,285 --> 00:16:36,244
Br-brother? Ha!
370
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:38,454
You're hurting my wrist.
371
00:16:38,455 --> 00:16:39,455
There are many levels of pain.
372
00:16:39,456 --> 00:16:43,292
You have just crossed
into the welcome mat.
373
00:16:43,293 --> 00:16:45,253
You have not even
entered the door
374
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:47,255
walked down the hallway,
and gone up the stairs
375
00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:50,466
to visit the VIP rooms.
376
00:16:50,467 --> 00:16:53,970
Come on! For real! I'm--
377
00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:56,013
- This is foolish.
- Hey!
378
00:16:56,014 --> 00:16:56,973
Oh, now you... Tsk.
379
00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:58,434
If you're going to yell...
380
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:06,941
{\an8}Sheriff's Department!
381
00:17:06,942 --> 00:17:08,943
{\an8}- 'Hey, Terry.'
- Hi!
382
00:17:08,944 --> 00:17:11,112
{\an8}- 'How's it goin' tonight?'
- Hi.
383
00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:12,530
Madames,
seriously, take a walk.
384
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:13,781
- 'We need a minute.'
- 'Oh, what's happening?'
385
00:17:13,782 --> 00:17:16,200
Bye, you guys.
I'll see you at the party.
386
00:17:16,201 --> 00:17:17,952
- Terry...
- What's going on?
387
00:17:17,953 --> 00:17:21,039
What's going on is that
apparently you've been doing...
388
00:17:22,207 --> 00:17:24,292
...people's taxes.
389
00:17:24,293 --> 00:17:26,335
"Terry Bernardino,
certified public accountant?"
390
00:17:26,336 --> 00:17:28,963
'That's me. At your service.'
391
00:17:28,964 --> 00:17:31,758
Why?
Do you want to do your taxes?
392
00:17:31,759 --> 00:17:33,509
When did you get your CPA?
393
00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:35,762
- What's that?
- Oh, my God, will you stop--
394
00:17:35,763 --> 00:17:37,805
Oh, is that the thing where
somebody can't breathe
395
00:17:37,806 --> 00:17:39,140
and you give 'em CPA?
396
00:17:39,141 --> 00:17:41,935
Whatever, I'll stop. I'll just
go back to being a doctor.
397
00:17:44,229 --> 00:17:47,190
How did you even start
doing people's taxes, Terry?
398
00:17:47,191 --> 00:17:54,155
Um, some guy who was not
my boyfriend for a while
399
00:17:54,156 --> 00:17:56,282
uh, said he wanted me to look
at his taxes, and I was like
400
00:17:56,283 --> 00:18:00,703
maybe I will, maybe I won't,
and he punched me in the face.
401
00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:02,497
- So I was like, alright--
- So you're the victim?
402
00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:04,332
This is a,
this is a Terry story...
403
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,667
- Hey, Trudy--
- Oh, God, there he goes again.
404
00:18:06,668 --> 00:18:08,920
Trudy, it's amazing, this,
in this, in this
405
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:11,380
part of Terry's life,
Terry's the victim
406
00:18:11,381 --> 00:18:15,134
as opposed to, as opposed to,
as opposed to every other time.
407
00:18:15,135 --> 00:18:16,344
This time, you're the victim.
408
00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:18,679
If I recall, the last time
Terry was a victim
409
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:20,181
was when he was giving pap
smears in the back of his van.
410
00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:22,642
- Yeah. Remember that?
- And somehow he was a victim.
411
00:18:22,643 --> 00:18:23,392
'Cause the lady clamped down
on him.
412
00:18:23,393 --> 00:18:25,853
Yeah!
413
00:18:25,854 --> 00:18:28,356
She... kicked me in the face.
414
00:18:28,357 --> 00:18:30,566
- Come on, Terry.
- Stop.
415
00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:32,485
That's a curb there.
I can't go over it.
416
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:33,653
- You can't go over it?
- No.
417
00:18:33,654 --> 00:18:35,196
I'll fall, and hurt myself.
418
00:18:35,197 --> 00:18:37,698
Terry, I like you. I like...
I-I used to like you.
419
00:18:37,699 --> 00:18:38,324
Thank you.
420
00:18:38,325 --> 00:18:39,326
'What?'
421
00:18:50,003 --> 00:18:52,255
I was in there, you know
422
00:18:52,256 --> 00:18:54,423
I had to take my shift
guarding him
423
00:18:54,424 --> 00:18:58,719
and I could not help
feeling like
424
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:00,721
"I want to take off my panties."
425
00:19:00,722 --> 00:19:04,058
I could not shake
the feeling of that
426
00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:08,396
and then when my shift was over,
I had to go pee
427
00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:12,066
my panties were gone.
428
00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:14,569
- Huh?
- Like lost time, like UFOs.
429
00:19:14,570 --> 00:19:15,444
Did you lose time?
Did you check your watch?
430
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:18,573
I don't know.
431
00:19:18,574 --> 00:19:21,409
Now, unless, unless I just left
and forgot to put something on
432
00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:25,289
but I am 99 percent sure
that I did.
433
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:28,541
You-you...
434
00:19:28,542 --> 00:19:33,421
- Oh... no.
- 'Mm-hmm.'
435
00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:35,089
- No.
- Let's go.
436
00:19:35,090 --> 00:19:36,132
- Come on.
- I don't want to go.
437
00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:38,467
- Let's go. Come on, get in.
- You can't make me!
438
00:19:38,468 --> 00:19:39,760
You can't make me!
439
00:19:43,515 --> 00:19:46,434
- Little paperwork for you.
- He's all yours.
440
00:19:46,435 --> 00:19:48,978
Sign the release form
right there.
441
00:19:48,979 --> 00:19:52,274
"Dangle.
Reno, Sheriff's Department."
442
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:54,442
The DOJ thanks you,
I wouldn't be surprised
443
00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:58,488
if, uh, your department
gets a commendation.
444
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:14,462
The score at...
445
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:15,463
- One-nothing.
- One-nothing, yeah!
446
00:20:15,464 --> 00:20:17,465
Hey, [bleep], no parking here.
447
00:20:17,466 --> 00:20:19,634
'Yeah, t-that's the, that's the
Sheriff's Department only.'
448
00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:22,178
I'm sorry. This isn't the area
for, uh, prisoner pick up?
449
00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:23,596
It happens to be, yes.
450
00:20:23,597 --> 00:20:24,680
Dynamite, I'm Agent Bruce Padule
451
00:20:24,681 --> 00:20:27,935
here for a 469 pick up
of aka Alverez.
452
00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:31,812
You're who for what?
453
00:20:31,813 --> 00:20:35,900
Agent Bruce Padule, I'm sorry
about that. 469 pick up.
454
00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:37,652
Oh, you're with the FBI.
455
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:38,569
- Here's my license.
- And you're here to...
456
00:20:38,570 --> 00:20:40,488
Supermarket club card,
pick up Alverez
457
00:20:40,489 --> 00:20:42,990
if you need another form,
that's a credit card
458
00:20:42,991 --> 00:20:44,784
'with a picture on it.'
459
00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:47,453
- 'We're from the FBI--'
- Yeah, I... Yeah.
460
00:20:47,454 --> 00:20:49,163
Um...
461
00:20:49,164 --> 00:20:50,873
The other... fellows...
462
00:20:50,874 --> 00:20:53,000
- I'll give you that...
- Absolutely.
463
00:20:53,001 --> 00:20:55,127
- And then...
- Is there a problem?
464
00:20:55,128 --> 00:20:57,214
'No, siree...'
465
00:20:58,256 --> 00:20:59,800
- Here's the thing.
- Yep.
466
00:21:03,553 --> 00:21:05,889
He's being deloused.
467
00:21:12,354 --> 00:21:13,396
{\an8}I'm not gonna-- We don't
come down to imagine things.
468
00:21:13,397 --> 00:21:15,648
{\an8}- Yeah.
- We can't come out to crime--
469
00:21:15,649 --> 00:21:16,482
{\an8}It's a-it's a raping
of verisimilitude.
470
00:21:16,483 --> 00:21:19,360
{\an8}It's a verisimilitude rape.
471
00:21:19,361 --> 00:21:21,862
{\an8}Oh, here's,
here's our [bleep] thesaurus.
472
00:21:21,863 --> 00:21:23,197
{\an8}Alright, what are we looking up?
473
00:21:23,198 --> 00:21:25,533
{\an8}- Anachronism first.
- Anachronism.
474
00:21:25,534 --> 00:21:26,367
{\an8}- I don't...
- Ver-vermillis you said, sir?
475
00:21:26,368 --> 00:21:28,828
{\an8}- Vermillion?
- Vermiliatude?
476
00:21:28,829 --> 00:21:30,496
{\an8}Isn't it that band
that was like Rush?
477
00:21:30,497 --> 00:21:33,040
{\an8}Did you have a druid say
invisibility chant on that
478
00:21:33,041 --> 00:21:34,041
{\an8}because...
479
00:21:34,042 --> 00:21:35,918
{\an8}- Oh.
- Oh, oh, oh!
480
00:21:35,919 --> 00:21:36,752
{\an8}Now, you're,
now, you're pissing me off!
481
00:21:36,753 --> 00:21:38,839
{\an8}Now, you're pissing me off,
tubby!
36464
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