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1
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It says, "Praise Allah!"
2
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Good morning.
3
00:00:13,763 --> 00:00:15,514
We are from the department
of homeland security.
4
00:00:15,515 --> 00:00:19,059
My name is
Captain Duane Hernandez.
5
00:00:19,060 --> 00:00:21,228
This is my assistant,
Lieutenant Susie Kim.
6
00:00:21,229 --> 00:00:26,108
In one week, you will be given
an exam on homeland security
7
00:00:26,109 --> 00:00:27,776
and you will all pass.
8
00:00:27,777 --> 00:00:31,238
The chemicals wash down
the body, flowing away
9
00:00:31,239 --> 00:00:33,782
{\an8}from the vital organs.
10
00:00:33,783 --> 00:00:35,451
I'm dirty.
I want to go in there.
11
00:00:35,452 --> 00:00:39,121
I'm sort of more studying
Duane and his physique
12
00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:43,292
than I have so much the
terrorist aspect of things.
13
00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:45,961
Go. Go, go, go, go.
14
00:00:45,962 --> 00:00:48,464
Well, we've been smelling
this noxious fume all day.
15
00:00:48,465 --> 00:00:50,132
I think what we've got
is bioterrorism.
16
00:00:50,133 --> 00:00:51,300
- We all in the same ballpark?
- That's my first instinct.
17
00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:53,177
Okay, we're gonna need
a hazmat team staff.
18
00:00:53,178 --> 00:00:55,429
We also need to call Washington.
19
00:00:55,430 --> 00:00:57,182
- Someone's got get on the--
- 'Oh, my God!'
20
00:01:06,858 --> 00:01:07,316
{\an8}Oh-ho! Ohh-h-h!
21
00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:09,319
{\an8}Aah! Aah! Aah!
22
00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:16,325
Aah! Aah! Aah!
23
00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:18,827
{\an8}Hey, dog. Yeah.
24
00:01:18,828 --> 00:01:20,580
Alright, alright, alright.
25
00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:26,211
{\an8}Ho! Ho! Ho!
26
00:01:47,649 --> 00:01:50,067
We good, we good. Wiegel,
I need a visual surveillance
27
00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:51,193
{\an8}of the perimeter
and all the quadrants.
28
00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:54,363
{\an8}Okay, we need
the hazmat team on the--
29
00:01:54,364 --> 00:01:55,781
'What we need to do
is call Washington.'
30
00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:56,990
I will get on the phone
with Washington.
31
00:01:56,991 --> 00:02:00,495
- We got to get him here soon.
- Guys, it's just a skunk.
32
00:02:01,287 --> 00:02:03,247
Damn it.
33
00:02:03,248 --> 00:02:05,374
Confirmation, skunk.
Okay. Goddamn!
34
00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:07,543
'Air quality bad up here.
Let's get down.'
35
00:02:07,544 --> 00:02:08,710
Here's what we're gonna do
36
00:02:08,711 --> 00:02:10,087
we're gonna
fill it up with water
37
00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:12,047
from the fire hose
and flood him out.
38
00:02:12,048 --> 00:02:14,091
No, that only happens
in cartoons, Garcia.
39
00:02:14,092 --> 00:02:16,718
The best way to draw it out is
to pretend like we're sleeping.
40
00:02:16,719 --> 00:02:18,679
We would notice that the skunk's
gonna want to come out
41
00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:20,931
as if can, so he can leave,
and then as soon as he...
42
00:02:20,932 --> 00:02:22,182
...we pounce on him.
43
00:02:22,183 --> 00:02:23,767
'For about... For a box of...'
44
00:02:23,768 --> 00:02:26,895
Let's just shoot it.
45
00:02:26,896 --> 00:02:28,063
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
46
00:02:28,064 --> 00:02:29,565
'We've all got guns.
I don't know why we--'
47
00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:32,277
- 'Should we... Flank it.'
- 'Ho, ho, ho. Ho.'
48
00:02:33,528 --> 00:02:37,239
- Captain.
- What's the situation?
49
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:38,448
- There's a skunk, sir.
- There's a skunk.
50
00:02:38,449 --> 00:02:40,367
- A skunk?
- Yes.
51
00:02:40,368 --> 00:02:43,203
Okay. What do you propose
to do about it?
52
00:02:43,204 --> 00:02:46,748
Well, I proposed that we get
in there and shoot it.
53
00:02:46,749 --> 00:02:47,749
Kill it.
54
00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:49,376
Let me ask a question.
55
00:02:49,377 --> 00:02:51,253
This is open to anyone.
56
00:02:51,254 --> 00:02:55,924
Are you familiar with the
concept of yin and yang?
57
00:02:55,925 --> 00:02:59,261
Yeah, there's the black thing
and the white thing
58
00:02:59,262 --> 00:03:00,304
and they kind of look
like sperm.
59
00:03:00,305 --> 00:03:02,806
Very good. Very good.
60
00:03:02,807 --> 00:03:05,767
There is a positive
and a negative in life
61
00:03:05,768 --> 00:03:12,274
and sometimes you capture,
you capture more with honey
62
00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:14,776
than with violence.
63
00:03:14,777 --> 00:03:16,445
- 'Do you understand?'
- Mm-hmm.
64
00:03:16,446 --> 00:03:19,615
It's a skunk.
65
00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:22,576
- Is it striped?
- It's striped.
66
00:03:22,577 --> 00:03:24,620
It's a striped skunk?
67
00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:48,310
She's female... it's in oestrus.
68
00:03:48,311 --> 00:03:51,271
She's just being frisky,
that's all.
69
00:03:51,272 --> 00:03:54,650
- There's no need to shoot it.
- I-I apologize.
70
00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:56,109
It's okay.
71
00:03:56,110 --> 00:03:57,111
Give me five.
72
00:03:59,238 --> 00:04:00,864
Push-ups.
73
00:04:00,865 --> 00:04:04,326
Five.
74
00:04:04,327 --> 00:04:06,662
You're a good man.
75
00:04:06,663 --> 00:04:08,456
- 'Thank you, Duane.'
- 'Shh.'
76
00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:12,876
Wow, huh?
77
00:04:12,877 --> 00:04:14,628
- That's Duane.
- Wow.
78
00:04:14,629 --> 00:04:15,504
{\an8}I've been really
impressed with the conduct
79
00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:19,675
{\an8}of the homeland
security officers and...
80
00:04:22,303 --> 00:04:25,180
- Apparently she's--
- Duane Hernandez.
81
00:04:25,181 --> 00:04:27,182
I look at that man
82
00:04:27,183 --> 00:04:29,518
and I want to put on an apron
83
00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:32,020
and fry up some eggs
84
00:04:32,021 --> 00:04:34,523
and I want to learn everything
he has to teach.
85
00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:37,025
"Teach me, teacher.
86
00:04:37,026 --> 00:04:40,070
"Take me to school.
87
00:04:40,071 --> 00:04:43,198
"Let me serve detention."
88
00:04:43,199 --> 00:04:46,326
I will follow him
wherever he goes.
89
00:04:46,327 --> 00:04:48,578
I will hit that
before he leaves.
90
00:04:48,579 --> 00:04:50,998
{\an8}- Oh, hell.
- 'How you doin'?'
91
00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:52,124
{\an8}'Oh, I'm great.'
92
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,709
{\an8}- 'I'm doin' okay. How are
you?'
- You're okay?
93
00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:55,377
{\an8}I'm, I'm not so good
94
00:04:55,378 --> 00:04:58,255
{\an8}'cause you were weavin'
all over the road there.
95
00:04:58,256 --> 00:04:59,881
Well,
can we get one thing straight?
96
00:04:59,882 --> 00:05:02,718
- 'I have not been drinking.'
- We need to... Okay.
97
00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:05,929
- Right hand to the nose...
- Yeah.
98
00:05:05,930 --> 00:05:08,890
- ...with the left hand
- Right.
99
00:05:08,891 --> 00:05:09,683
And back out.
100
00:05:09,684 --> 00:05:11,977
I need you to recite
the alphabet
101
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:14,229
from "z" to "a" backwards
as fast as you can.
102
00:05:14,230 --> 00:05:15,897
- From "z" to "a"?
- Can you do that for me?
103
00:05:15,898 --> 00:05:17,442
- Yeah. Backwards.
- Sure. Uh...
104
00:05:19,027 --> 00:05:21,611
Z...
105
00:05:21,612 --> 00:05:23,447
Y...
106
00:05:23,448 --> 00:05:26,825
X, W, V, U, T, S, R, Q
107
00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:30,078
P, O, N, M, L, K, J
108
00:05:30,079 --> 00:05:35,751
I, H, G, F, E, D, C, B, A.
109
00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:37,711
- Uh...
- Alright.
110
00:05:37,712 --> 00:05:39,254
That's remarkable.
111
00:05:39,255 --> 00:05:41,006
I've actually never seen
anybody do that.
112
00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:44,259
- Oh, my bladder is full.
- Feel the toe.
113
00:05:44,260 --> 00:05:46,053
I'm not worried about your
bladder right now.
114
00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:47,429
- Sure.
- Okay.
115
00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:49,931
- Ten.
- Alright.
116
00:05:49,932 --> 00:05:51,933
Alright. Well, You've got pretty
good balance there.
117
00:05:51,934 --> 00:05:54,478
- Thank you.
- I want you to step, bump.
118
00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:55,896
Step, bump-bump, step, bump.
119
00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:58,648
Step, bump, step, bump-bump.
120
00:05:58,649 --> 00:06:01,276
Five, six, seven, eight.
121
00:06:01,277 --> 00:06:05,572
Step, bump, step, bump-bump.
122
00:06:05,573 --> 00:06:08,950
Pas de bourree,
kick-ball-change.
123
00:06:08,951 --> 00:06:11,244
- Step, clap.
- Okay.
124
00:06:11,245 --> 00:06:13,456
Five, six, seven, eight.
125
00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:20,629
You know what would be
good is if you hit-kicked
126
00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:24,299
{\an8}and then you kind of...
did that
127
00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:28,386
and then a barrel turn
and then, ha!
128
00:06:28,387 --> 00:06:29,638
- You know?
- That was good.
129
00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:32,057
- That would be...
- That was really good.
130
00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:35,685
- You a dancer?
- No. No, no, no.
131
00:06:35,686 --> 00:06:37,646
I'm just drunk.
132
00:06:37,647 --> 00:06:38,647
- Ahhhhh!
- Gotcha!
133
00:06:38,648 --> 00:06:42,109
Up against the vehicle
right now, sir.
134
00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:43,360
You're going to jail.
135
00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:44,653
Susie Kim.
136
00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:46,696
Susie Kim,
the homeland security officer.
137
00:06:46,697 --> 00:06:48,657
- Phew!
- Whew!
138
00:06:48,658 --> 00:06:53,203
{\an8}- Phew!
- Man.
139
00:06:54,288 --> 00:06:55,748
{\an8}Don't do that.
You don't know her.
140
00:06:58,209 --> 00:06:59,501
- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah, sure, of course.
141
00:06:59,502 --> 00:07:01,837
{\an8}You can ask me anything, Susie.
142
00:07:01,838 --> 00:07:05,966
{\an8}So...
143
00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:08,385
So, what is it
with the shorts?
144
00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:12,013
Um, is it...
I mean, c-c-can...
145
00:07:12,014 --> 00:07:14,683
- You don't mind me asking?
- No, no, I, uh...
146
00:07:14,684 --> 00:07:17,227
Can your ass breathe in it,
147
00:07:17,228 --> 00:07:19,479
'cause it just seems so...
148
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:20,689
I wear 'em
for maneuverability
149
00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:22,357
but you think they're silly,
don't you?
150
00:07:22,358 --> 00:07:22,691
No, no. You know what it is?
151
00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:23,692
No, no, no.
152
00:07:23,693 --> 00:07:25,694
The shorts
are kind of silly, really.
153
00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:26,862
- They're not silly at all.
- No, no, no.
154
00:07:26,863 --> 00:07:28,530
They're not. You,
just being as fit as you are
155
00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:32,200
just, I think you should let
your ass breathe
156
00:07:32,201 --> 00:07:34,327
because it's such a nice ass.
157
00:07:34,328 --> 00:07:35,412
With some slacks,
you think?
158
00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:36,538
Yeah. Yeah.
159
00:07:36,539 --> 00:07:37,581
You know,
I have, you know...
160
00:07:37,582 --> 00:07:40,709
I have long pants. I just, um...
161
00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:44,212
I'd like to see that sometime.
162
00:07:44,213 --> 00:07:45,338
I don't know. Look at me.
163
00:07:45,339 --> 00:07:48,717
I'm... dressed
like a Goddamn clown.
164
00:07:48,718 --> 00:07:53,346
{\an8}I tell you what, I sure would
like a hottie like that, uh...
165
00:07:53,347 --> 00:07:54,598
{\an8}What's her name?
Susie...
166
00:07:54,599 --> 00:07:57,726
- Uh, Mrs. Lieutenant Susie Kim.
- Susie Kim.
167
00:07:57,727 --> 00:08:00,228
Yeah. Hell, yeah.
168
00:08:00,229 --> 00:08:03,899
I saw her making eyes for me.
169
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:05,734
I think their eyes
are always like that.
170
00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:18,580
{\an8}Captain Duane Hernandez
has taught me a lot of things.
171
00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:23,585
{\an8}He's taught me that
I look best in red lips
172
00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:26,922
that I can wear smoky
eye-shadow shades
173
00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:30,717
that it's okay
to wear push-up bras.
174
00:08:30,718 --> 00:08:36,223
But I haven't learned a whole
lot about homeland security.
175
00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:41,603
I'm afraid I'm definitely
gonna blow the test.
176
00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:45,440
But, uh, I'm gonna
look great doing it.
177
00:08:45,441 --> 00:08:46,775
'You pull into a parking lot.'
178
00:08:46,776 --> 00:08:49,819
There is a foreign
object unattended.
179
00:08:49,820 --> 00:08:51,738
{\an8}'In this case,
it's a piece of luggage.'
180
00:08:51,739 --> 00:08:54,950
{\an8}'What do you do?'
181
00:08:54,951 --> 00:08:56,660
{\an8}The clock is ticking, peoples.
182
00:08:56,661 --> 00:09:00,413
If it's at a mall, you would
take it to the information desk
183
00:09:00,414 --> 00:09:01,748
{\an8}and see if there's a reward.
184
00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:03,833
If there is, then collect it.
185
00:09:03,834 --> 00:09:05,794
{\an8}Uh, if it's in a supermarket,
just leave it there.
186
00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:07,421
It's probably
for a homeless person.
187
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:09,839
No.
188
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:11,633
Williams.
189
00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:12,968
I got it. Okay.
190
00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:15,845
You shout out,
"Hey, who forgot their,
uh, bag?!"
191
00:09:15,846 --> 00:09:18,640
No, Williams,
you do not shout out
192
00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:20,809
"Hey, who forgot their bag?!"
193
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:23,770
It someone shows up,
it' not no, it's not a raffle.
194
00:09:23,771 --> 00:09:26,898
Jones?
195
00:09:26,899 --> 00:09:28,817
I didn't have a...
I didn't raise my hand.
196
00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:29,985
Dangle?
197
00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:32,612
I don't know how
or where you get them
198
00:09:32,613 --> 00:09:34,948
but I believe
there are robots for this.
199
00:09:34,949 --> 00:09:36,116
- Who has those?
- Radio shack.
200
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:37,325
Radio shack, does have them.
201
00:09:37,326 --> 00:09:39,160
If you're at the mall,
you don't even have to call.
202
00:09:39,161 --> 00:09:41,371
- You can just walk over there.
- Okay, okay, okay.
203
00:09:41,372 --> 00:09:43,164
You're...
204
00:09:43,165 --> 00:09:44,165
You're calling someone.
205
00:09:44,166 --> 00:09:45,166
You're on the right track.
206
00:09:45,167 --> 00:09:45,834
- Robot squad.
- No robot squad!
207
00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:48,461
That's horribly wrong!
208
00:09:48,462 --> 00:09:49,462
This is right.
209
00:09:49,463 --> 00:09:50,505
This is maybe a little right.
210
00:09:50,506 --> 00:09:51,506
You're over there!
211
00:09:51,507 --> 00:09:52,048
You're over there,
you took a bus!
212
00:09:52,049 --> 00:09:52,799
You took a transfer!
213
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:55,219
You went over there somewhere!
214
00:09:57,555 --> 00:10:00,140
{\an8}Yeah. Uh, we are,
uh, we're ready.
215
00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:00,724
{\an8}We've been,
we've been studying, right?
216
00:10:00,725 --> 00:10:02,934
{\an8}We've been studying.
217
00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:05,353
{\an8}We made some flash cards
for the test.
218
00:10:05,354 --> 00:10:07,063
We are getting ready
for the test.
219
00:10:07,064 --> 00:10:08,690
The homeland security test.
220
00:10:08,691 --> 00:10:13,153
Um... We tried to
study last night...
221
00:10:13,154 --> 00:10:19,075
Ended up watching TV
and having some beers
222
00:10:19,076 --> 00:10:22,579
and, uh...
223
00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:24,205
Tonight we really
have to buckle down.
224
00:10:24,206 --> 00:10:25,373
We're gonna buckle down.
225
00:10:25,374 --> 00:10:26,541
But a short answer
to your question
226
00:10:26,542 --> 00:10:30,379
um, if terrorism hits Reno,
no, we're pretty much
227
00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:35,050
{\an8}Got a call
about a disturbance.
228
00:10:35,051 --> 00:10:37,218
{\an8}She's disturbed. One of our
customers. I don't know.
229
00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:40,764
T.T., what you doin'?
230
00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:43,058
- Hi. Remember me?
- Hey.
231
00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:44,059
- Remember me?
- Wow, look at this.
232
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:45,435
'Doin' some shopping. Wow.'
233
00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:47,896
I'm buyin' everybody a beer
'cause I won the lotto.
234
00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:48,855
But let's go shopping outside
235
00:10:48,856 --> 00:10:51,066
because everything out there...
236
00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:53,234
- Whoo-hoo!
- Damn it, T.T.!
237
00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:55,278
Oh!
238
00:10:55,279 --> 00:10:56,363
- Get back here!
- Whoo-whoo!
239
00:10:56,364 --> 00:10:57,906
'Get back here! [bleep]'
240
00:10:57,907 --> 00:11:00,950
T.T., I'm not playing with you.
241
00:11:00,951 --> 00:11:03,953
I am not playing with you, girl.
242
00:11:03,954 --> 00:11:04,954
T.T.!
243
00:11:04,955 --> 00:11:05,955
Ma'am, just stay put.
244
00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:06,998
Just stay put.
245
00:11:06,999 --> 00:11:08,541
Everybody stay put.
246
00:11:08,542 --> 00:11:11,252
I got a T.T. Situation here
at the Virginia Street Market.
247
00:11:11,253 --> 00:11:12,462
T.T. thinks she won the lottery.
248
00:11:12,463 --> 00:11:13,463
I've got a situation here.
249
00:11:13,464 --> 00:11:14,547
I need you here right now.
250
00:11:14,548 --> 00:11:15,548
Thank you.
251
00:11:15,549 --> 00:11:16,383
- Calm down.
- Go, go, go.
252
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:17,926
- Calm down.
- There's nothing to see.
253
00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:19,094
Give me my stick.
254
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:20,428
- Where's my stick?
- Here, it's right here.
255
00:11:20,429 --> 00:11:21,471
- Ho.
- Come on.
256
00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:22,347
Ho.
257
00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:23,765
We're gonna get you
another ticket.
258
00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:26,393
Don't throw punches
at me, T.T.
259
00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:28,061
Don't throw punches at me.
260
00:11:28,062 --> 00:11:29,479
'No, T.T., T.T., T.T.'
261
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:30,939
- 'T.T.'
- 'Jones.'
262
00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:33,108
You want to date
a woman with money?
263
00:11:33,109 --> 00:11:35,402
- Uh-hmm.
- Whoo!
264
00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:37,904
Want to date a woman
that got paid?
265
00:11:37,905 --> 00:11:39,280
Oh, God, no.
266
00:11:39,281 --> 00:11:42,075
Well, this is
a California ticket.
267
00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:42,992
- That's California, T.T.
- What you talkin' 'bout?
268
00:11:42,993 --> 00:11:45,453
That's California.
Where'd you get that?
269
00:11:45,454 --> 00:11:46,830
'You didn't win the lottery.'
270
00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:48,623
Aaah!
271
00:11:48,624 --> 00:11:51,960
Oh, jeez, here we go.
272
00:11:51,961 --> 00:11:53,128
- Damn!
- Come on.
273
00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:53,962
- Aaah!
- Here we go.
274
00:11:53,963 --> 00:11:56,256
- Here we go.
- Come on.
275
00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:58,466
- Let go of the machine.
- This can't happen.
276
00:11:58,467 --> 00:11:59,634
Okay, alright.
277
00:11:59,635 --> 00:12:01,636
You go, uh, make sure
everybody stays--
278
00:12:01,637 --> 00:12:02,637
- Aaah!
- Come on.
279
00:12:02,638 --> 00:12:04,097
- T.T.
- T.T., act like a lady.
280
00:12:04,098 --> 00:12:06,599
- You're gonna be alright.
- Act like a lady.
281
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,768
'Who's putting this
away?'
282
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,984
{\an8}Williams, Dangle.
283
00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:18,111
{\an8}I want you to approach
the foreign object
284
00:12:18,112 --> 00:12:22,031
{\an8}and assess the situation
cautiously.
285
00:12:22,032 --> 00:12:23,742
Go. You have one minute. Go.
286
00:12:29,915 --> 00:12:30,957
Good, Dangle, good.
287
00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:34,377
'Cautiously, cautiously.'
288
00:12:34,378 --> 00:12:36,171
'You don't know what's inside.'
289
00:12:36,172 --> 00:12:38,506
'It could be dangerous.'
290
00:12:38,507 --> 00:12:40,216
Williams,
you are not on the moon.
291
00:12:40,217 --> 00:12:42,969
Just approach with caution.
292
00:12:42,970 --> 00:12:45,346
Assess the situation.
293
00:12:45,347 --> 00:12:47,640
'You may not...
No, okay, okay.'
294
00:12:47,641 --> 00:12:49,350
Now you are assessing
the situation.
295
00:12:49,351 --> 00:12:51,478
No, you don't...
296
00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:53,021
You're... No.
297
00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:53,855
Dangle, you don't know
what's inside.
298
00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:55,064
You may not feel comf--
299
00:12:55,065 --> 00:12:57,567
- Did you say check inside?
- 'Oh, okay.'
300
00:12:57,568 --> 00:12:58,610
I can barely hear you.
301
00:12:58,611 --> 00:12:59,819
- Oh, my goodness.
- Okay.
302
00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:02,030
- Whoa.
- Yes, it's just...
303
00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:02,906
- These are beautiful.
- It's clothes.
304
00:13:02,907 --> 00:13:05,158
- Nice.
- Those are... That's my clothes.
305
00:13:05,159 --> 00:13:08,411
- That's all silk.
- Is this a Dordon Gottrell?
306
00:13:08,412 --> 00:13:09,496
- That's Calvin Klein.
- This is nice.
307
00:13:09,497 --> 00:13:11,122
He has a white dinner jacket
made in the Philippines.
308
00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:13,917
- 'Is that's a Gordon
Gottrell?'
- That's nice.
309
00:13:13,918 --> 00:13:15,043
'Thanks a Gordon Gotrell,
isn't it?'
310
00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:16,378
'These are good pieces.'
311
00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:23,718
{\an8}Good afternoon, class.
My name is Officer Garcia.
312
00:13:23,719 --> 00:13:25,512
{\an8}This is my partner,
officer Jones.
313
00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:27,514
{\an8}'We are from the Reno county
Sheriff's department.'
314
00:13:27,515 --> 00:13:29,557
We are here today
to talk about self-defense.
315
00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:30,725
Move number one.
316
00:13:30,726 --> 00:13:32,393
Let's say you folks are caught
behind the bleachers.
317
00:13:32,394 --> 00:13:33,895
You're taking a whiz,
taking a leak, fellas.
318
00:13:33,896 --> 00:13:34,979
I'm gonna show you six ways
to get out of this hold.
319
00:13:34,980 --> 00:13:37,023
He's a bigger man,
but it doesn't matter.
320
00:13:37,024 --> 00:13:40,735
I'm gonna use my leverage,
and I'm gonna get out, okay?
321
00:13:40,736 --> 00:13:41,903
Now he's got my head.
322
00:13:41,904 --> 00:13:43,071
You might think there's nothin'
I can do from here. Okay.
323
00:13:43,072 --> 00:13:45,573
Nothin' I can do,
what I'm gonna do is
324
00:13:45,574 --> 00:13:46,783
I'm gonna use my leverage.
325
00:13:46,784 --> 00:13:47,992
I'm gonna start
with my right knee.
326
00:13:47,993 --> 00:13:49,620
I'm gonna spin out.
327
00:13:56,001 --> 00:13:57,418
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm alright.
328
00:13:57,419 --> 00:13:58,753
Damn.
329
00:14:01,048 --> 00:14:01,923
Alright, time-out.
Hold on. Hold on.
330
00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:03,091
- You want to spin out?
- No.
331
00:14:03,092 --> 00:14:05,593
'Cause you gotta get me
from the other side.
332
00:14:05,594 --> 00:14:06,427
Well, you can't get it
from here?
333
00:14:06,428 --> 00:14:08,722
'I can spin out that way.'
334
00:14:12,476 --> 00:14:13,852
Wait. Hold on. Hold on.
335
00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:17,063
- You okay?
- Yeah.
336
00:14:17,064 --> 00:14:18,982
I'm alright.
337
00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:19,983
He's a bigger man.
338
00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:22,443
Now, normally...
339
00:14:22,444 --> 00:14:23,778
- Alright.
- Let's take these off.
340
00:14:23,779 --> 00:14:24,445
- Take those glasses off.
- Sure.
341
00:14:24,446 --> 00:14:27,282
Okay. Now, hold on. Hold on.
342
00:14:27,283 --> 00:14:28,283
Hold on, hold on.
343
00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:29,826
You see that right there?
344
00:14:29,827 --> 00:14:32,120
Right there,
see, I had him goin'.
345
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:35,456
And I lured him
with the whole speech thing.
346
00:14:35,457 --> 00:14:36,791
You want to show' em
another hold?
347
00:14:36,792 --> 00:14:37,959
- No, I'm good, I'm good.
- You okay.
348
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:38,960
Yeah.
349
00:14:38,961 --> 00:14:40,295
{\an8}I think any terrorist
350
00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:45,508
{\an8}who would plan to
do some kinda thing in Reno
351
00:14:45,509 --> 00:14:47,011
has never been to Reno.
352
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:52,140
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's show time.
353
00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:55,435
{\an8}You have 45 minutes in which
to finish the exam.
354
00:14:55,436 --> 00:14:56,437
{\an8}Godspeed.
355
00:15:14,079 --> 00:15:16,873
Okay, here we go, folks.
356
00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:19,876
Question 1, answer is "a,"
"Don't open."
357
00:15:19,877 --> 00:15:21,669
Question 2, answer is "a."
358
00:15:21,670 --> 00:15:23,379
Question 3, answer is "c."
359
00:15:23,380 --> 00:15:26,007
- Going way too fast.
- Way, way, way too fast.
360
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:27,508
I don't know when
he's gonna come back.
361
00:15:27,509 --> 00:15:29,677
{\an8}Yes, maybe Reno was disgusting.
362
00:15:29,678 --> 00:15:34,140
{\an8}Yes, maybe it is a cesspool
of vice and boredom
363
00:15:34,141 --> 00:15:38,019
{\an8}an abysmal hellhole
of nothingness.
364
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:39,228
But we had a nice time.
365
00:15:47,988 --> 00:15:50,990
That timer was some kind of
a camera or something, I bet.
366
00:15:50,991 --> 00:15:53,534
{\an8}'They're gonna know we cheated,
and we are dead.'
367
00:15:53,535 --> 00:15:55,495
{\an8}- 'We are dead.'
- We've lost our jobs.
368
00:15:55,496 --> 00:15:58,039
Hey, everything's gonna be fine
369
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,708
as long as we stick together
like a team, okay?
370
00:16:00,709 --> 00:16:02,877
- Teamwork.
- To teamwork.
371
00:16:02,878 --> 00:16:04,504
- 'To teamwork, okay.'
- To teamwork.
372
00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:06,214
To teamwork.
373
00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:08,049
Oh.
374
00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:09,968
'Hey, Duane, how you doin'?'
375
00:16:11,178 --> 00:16:16,349
When I was 7 years old...
376
00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:21,187
I went to my grandfather's
ranch in Seville, in Spain.
377
00:16:21,188 --> 00:16:24,190
He had a prize bull,
Bernardito.
378
00:16:24,191 --> 00:16:26,859
And one afternoon
379
00:16:26,860 --> 00:16:30,238
I saw Bernardito mount 15 cows.
380
00:16:30,239 --> 00:16:31,948
'Today...'
381
00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:34,200
I think I feel what
Bernardito must have felt
382
00:16:34,201 --> 00:16:37,245
because I'm very proud
383
00:16:37,246 --> 00:16:39,956
very proud of all of you.
384
00:16:39,957 --> 00:16:43,042
- 'You have passed the exam.'
- Ohh!
385
00:16:46,964 --> 00:16:47,880
'So now what happens?'
386
00:16:47,881 --> 00:16:48,965
'Now what do we do?'
387
00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:51,134
'What happens now is life.'
388
00:16:51,135 --> 00:16:53,928
You're gonna stay,
though, right?
389
00:16:53,929 --> 00:16:56,097
Bernardito took a nap.
390
00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:57,265
'You will continue
doing what you do'
391
00:16:57,266 --> 00:17:00,643
and we will continue doing
what we do.
392
00:17:00,644 --> 00:17:02,770
- Congratulations.
- 'Very good.'
393
00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:04,105
'Duane, you guys are...
You're not, uh...
394
00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:07,984
- 'You're really not staying?'
- 'I have to go on.'
395
00:17:07,985 --> 00:17:09,986
'I'm-I'm needed elsewhere.'
396
00:17:09,987 --> 00:17:13,072
'But it was a pleasure
to train you all'
397
00:17:13,073 --> 00:17:13,531
and to serve with you.
398
00:17:13,532 --> 00:17:14,282
We're not done.
399
00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:16,284
I'm, we don't...
We're not ready.
400
00:17:16,285 --> 00:17:17,452
'We're certainly not ready.'
401
00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:18,661
- 'No, no, no,'
- 'We are not ready.'
402
00:17:18,662 --> 00:17:22,582
'If you go,
We need, we need help.'
403
00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:25,918
- We need more.
- 'I'm not ready.'
404
00:17:25,919 --> 00:17:29,130
- That was so...
- Carry on.
405
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:30,631
'Duane,
my name is spelled' wrong.'
406
00:17:30,632 --> 00:17:32,383
'We cheated. We cheated!'
407
00:17:32,384 --> 00:17:33,634
'You gotta come back
because we cheated.'
408
00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:34,719
- Shut up!
- 'No.'
409
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,345
- Shut up! Shut up!
- Duane?
410
00:17:36,346 --> 00:17:37,931
- Duane?
- 'Shut up!'
411
00:17:38,390 --> 00:17:39,349
Duane.
412
00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:40,266
Don't go, Duane.
413
00:17:40,267 --> 00:17:41,268
You can't go.
414
00:17:50,944 --> 00:17:52,945
When I first met you
415
00:17:52,946 --> 00:17:54,530
you were like a frightened
little kitten
416
00:17:54,531 --> 00:17:57,617
inside a laundry hamper.
417
00:17:57,618 --> 00:17:59,660
Now...
418
00:17:59,661 --> 00:18:03,664
...you are a beautiful swan
inside a fancy restaurant.
419
00:18:03,665 --> 00:18:04,832
Duane.
420
00:18:04,833 --> 00:18:08,044
Send back the soup
if you don't like it.
421
00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:09,670
Order more bread.
422
00:18:09,671 --> 00:18:11,172
You are in command.
423
00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:29,774
It smells like safety.
424
00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:35,154
- It smells like safety.
- It is.
425
00:18:35,155 --> 00:18:37,032
It is.
426
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:40,368
Duane...
427
00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:41,369
'No.'
428
00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:43,371
No.
429
00:18:43,372 --> 00:18:44,539
Duane!
430
00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:47,041
Duane, come back, Duane!
431
00:18:47,042 --> 00:18:49,335
- Duane, don't go, Duane!
- I go! I go!
432
00:18:49,336 --> 00:18:52,171
Come back, Duane!
433
00:18:52,172 --> 00:18:54,382
No! Come back, Duane!
434
00:18:54,383 --> 00:19:04,643
'Come back, Duane!'
435
00:19:14,570 --> 00:19:16,237
'Um, so I suppose most of you'
436
00:19:16,238 --> 00:19:19,365
'have heard little snippets
about this, um.'
437
00:19:19,366 --> 00:19:22,368
We were robbed over the weekend.
438
00:19:22,369 --> 00:19:25,955
{\an8}They got away with $300,000
worth of evidence
439
00:19:25,956 --> 00:19:29,375
{\an8}from the evidence room and most
of the phones and computers.
440
00:19:29,376 --> 00:19:32,253
Uh, apparently the Department
of Homeland Security
441
00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:36,507
doesn't send out
teams to train.
442
00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:39,093
That person who called
himself Duane Hernandez
443
00:19:39,094 --> 00:19:42,973
is apparently
"Spanish Mike" Alvarez
444
00:19:46,518 --> 00:19:47,435
wanted for impersonating
a federal officer
445
00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:54,275
grand larceny,
and the "Woman," uh, uh...
446
00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:58,654
is apparently a gentleman
named Sammy Heung.
447
00:19:58,655 --> 00:20:01,073
I tried to [bleep] him.
448
00:20:01,074 --> 00:20:02,742
'Of course you did.'
449
00:20:02,743 --> 00:20:05,286
Duane also... Duane also took
my credit-card number
450
00:20:05,287 --> 00:20:08,122
and told me he was gonna get me
a subscription to Condé Nast.
451
00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:10,250
Who do we even report
the theft to?
452
00:20:12,711 --> 00:20:14,462
- I'm not sure.
- The president?
453
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:16,130
'Well I knew something'
was wrong with her.'
454
00:20:16,131 --> 00:20:19,258
''cause she kept staring
at my boobs all the time.'
455
00:20:19,259 --> 00:20:21,594
- Sammy's a boob man, I guess.
- 'Somethin' wrong with you.'
456
00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:23,846
I am irritated,
and I have a headache
457
00:20:23,847 --> 00:20:26,432
and I'd like to never speak of
this again outside this room.
458
00:20:26,433 --> 00:20:29,226
Can we just forget it ever
happened, please?
459
00:20:29,227 --> 00:20:30,228
Done.
460
00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:37,818
- Code of...
- Silence. Sure.
461
00:20:37,819 --> 00:20:39,445
I can't believe
that just happened
462
00:20:39,446 --> 00:20:41,822
with Duane and the whole...
463
00:20:41,823 --> 00:20:43,324
'Code of silence.'
464
00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:46,161
We just-- we just made a code
of silence 30 seconds ago.
465
00:20:59,549 --> 00:21:01,801
They were lumpy.
466
00:21:01,802 --> 00:21:04,637
Does it make you gay
if you whacked off to a guy?
467
00:21:04,638 --> 00:21:06,222
Not.
He didn't know he was a guy.
468
00:21:06,223 --> 00:21:07,848
Well, wait a second.
469
00:21:07,849 --> 00:21:09,350
'I don't think
you're gonna vote on this.'
470
00:21:09,351 --> 00:21:10,351
You gotta start somewhere, so...
471
00:21:10,352 --> 00:21:12,687
Bub-bub-bub-bub.
472
00:21:12,688 --> 00:21:14,814
- Survey says yes. I'd say.
- Oh,
473
00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:16,023
God damn, I'm queer.
474
00:21:16,024 --> 00:21:17,483
Well, you know
what that asshole said to me?
475
00:21:17,484 --> 00:21:18,609
- 'Sammy--'
- 'Spanish Mike.'
476
00:21:18,610 --> 00:21:20,027
'Spanish Mike.'
477
00:21:20,028 --> 00:21:22,029
He says, "Clemmy
478
00:21:22,030 --> 00:21:23,489
"you know, you don't need to
look like that all the time.
479
00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:26,534
"You should read books,
you got a great mind."
480
00:21:26,535 --> 00:21:27,494
Huh, bull [bleep], buddy.
34499
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