All language subtitles for The Baldwins s01e03 New Mexico.eng

Don't get wet on
anything, please.

-Will you give it to Dexter?
-I would like to try to figure out

how we're going
to get that off him.

It will come off, Alec.
Let him be a kid.

It's just face paint.

I know.

[gasps] Stop stealing cookies!

Look, Carmen's going
all over me.

-[laughs]
-Oh, Carmen!

I'm just trying really hard
to have time with them individually.

It's time that
they can't get back.

I don't want to have
that regret.

[Hilaria]
Let's go get this stuff and go clean the poop.

Are we going to shovel
the poop?

[Hilaria] We are going to
go shovel the poop.

A lot of the way that
he tries to control

and the way that he behaves
has to do with his OCD.

And since Alec's trial
in New Mexico is coming up,

it's become so much worse.

Actor Alec Baldwin
is now charged with involuntary manslaughter.

[Hilaria] He could go
to prison for a long time.

That's a scary thing
to go through,

especially when you have
seven kids

right behind you
that you're supposed

to maneuver through
everything.

Do we all go?

Do I stay with the kids?

I don't know what to do,
and I know any decision

I make will have some
very wrong things about it.

How are you feeling about me
coming with you?

Let's not ruin
our anniversary.

I want you to protect her.
I don't want her to suffer.

She gets pulled into this,
and it's been tough on her.

[Hilaria] Is our family going
to be torn apart?

Love you.

If they can convince people
to find him guilty,

they will take him away
right there.

[indistinct chatter]

[reporter] Sheriffs say that
one person was killed and another

was injured when Baldwin fired
a pop gun on a movie set.

The movie cinematographer,
42-year-old Halyna Hutchins,

died in this incident.

Director Joel Souza
was treated at a hospital

for unspecified injuries.

[reporter 2]
Actor Alec Baldwin arrived for his first day

in a New Mexico court,
where he faces charges

for the tragic shooting death
on the set of his latest film.

He was joined by
his wife, Hilaria.

I flew on Monday night
and arrived in

the early morning of Tuesday.

And I was supposed
to come back on a red-eye

on Wednesday night.

But I realized
that I can't leave.

Alec needs me.

[reporter] Mr. Baldwin...

And he needed me
for so many different things

that I didn't even think.

Just really, really vital
emotional support.

In the fall of 2021,
a movie called Rust

began filming at
the Bonanza Creek Ranch.

You will learn that this movie
was a Western

with a lot of gun action.

You will learn that
one of the rounds

in that revolver
was a real round.

[Alex Spiro] Good morning.

This was an unspeakable
tragedy,

but Alec Baldwin committed
no crime.

He was an actor acting.

And you will hear
no evidence,

not one word,
that Alec Baldwin had

anything to do with that
real bullet being brought

onto that set.

[Luke Nikas] This is critical evidence
in the case that was never disclosed to us.

This is not the first time.
It's not the second time.

It's not even the third time.

It's time for this case
to be dismissed, Your Honor.

[reporter] The pivotal moment
in Alec Baldwin's criminal trial

seen here when the actor's
legal team claimed

New Mexico prosecutors
did not disclose new evidence

pertaining to the live rounds
found on the Rust film set.

The state's willful
withholding of this information

was intentional
and deliberate.

Your motion to dismiss
with prejudice is granted.

[triumphant music playing]

[Alec] I...

How I've been feeling
is I'm worried.

I'm still worried.

I am a faith-based person.

I am.

I'm Catholic.

I prayed and prayed about this
until I was going to pass out.

So it's hard for me to talk
about how I'm feeling.

But I am very grateful to her
and I'm grateful to God

and to my friends
and my family who helped support me.

We were really heavily
impacted by this and...

-It's gonna take a long time.
-[Hilaria] It's gonna take time.

[Sylvia speaking]

Oh, oh, oh.

[Hilaria] I have never been away
from all of my kids for longer than

going into the hospital
and having a baby.

When we had to go to
New Mexico,

I brought Carmen and I brought
the baby,

'cause they're not in their
day camp,

and then the baby just
finished breastfeeding.

So my friend came
and took care of them

while I went and took care
of Alec.

[Sylvia]
What did we do this week?

We went to her house
and had movie night.

We went to the park
and played tag, and Edu won.

I do tag.

[Sylvia] And who won?

-We're not sleeping yet,
right? -No.

Everybody be quiet.
So she thinks we're not home.

Everybody be quiet.

-Shh, shh, shh, shh,
-shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

-Who's going to be
the quietest one? -Me.

Okay. [shushes]

[kids speaking]

[all chattering excitedly]

They're coming.

[all screaming]

What I'm feeling,
I'm feeling gratitude,

confusion, exhaustion.

[indistinct chatter]

-Dada.
-Daddy.

To come home to these kids,
they're so sweet.

They're so sweet.

And I just was happy.
This is my life now.

[all screaming]

Done. Finito.

We made it home.
We made it home.

After everything
we've been through,

I said to myself,
this is perfect.

This is what I'm doing,
is raising my kids.

And I just feel like
it's such a privilege.

[all chattering excitedly]

-[indistinct chatter]
-What was your reaction?

Guys, I missed you.

[Hilaria] As a parent,
you're like, keep everybody together.

And especially going
through hard things,

you keep them together
even more.

It's like, everybody huddle.

Everybody under my wings,
you know?

-[sobbing]
-Oh, my... [indistinct chatter]

[Hilaria] And I wrote...
this is going to sound so stupid.

I wrote them
all little letters,

the ones that I left here.

And I hid them.

And I told my friend
where they were if something happened to us.

[all chattering excitedly]

This was not a win.

This is just an awful thing
that happened to, you know,

to people.

There was an awful thing
that happened.

The baby went to Mexico too.

[Hilaria] The hardest thing

about this is that a woman
lost her life.

A son lost his mom.

Halyna didn't get to go home.

And that's what makes
everything so painful.

[indistinct chatter]

We're coming back to something
totally new

where we just get to make
more choices

than what we made before.

And now we can try to remember
how to live again.

And that is a dream come true.

[Alec] Just the privilege
and the gift of being able

to come home, you know,
and be with them.

My kids are happy.
That's all I care about, you know?

And you just live one day
at a time.

[Alec] You need patience
to raise children?

You need a lot of patience
to raise seven children, a lot.

And when you deal with
what we've been dealing with,

and have that on your plate,
and have this city...

I feel like I'm there with
a big stone on top of you, a big boulder.

Daddy.

Hand me that baby
when you're ready, and I'll watch her.

Come here, Donkey Kong.

You gonna drive?

Yes?

Let me see this.
You wanna close the door?

Okay, and...

It has had such a painful
impact on our parenting,

because we just need more
of everything.

-Donkey Kong!
-Donkey Kong!

Where are you going to go?
No, you sit with daddy.

And when the tank
is almost empty.

I mean, every time
you turn around,

it's a transaction
that costs us something that we don't have

enough of,
and that's patience.

Go with Dizzy.

I gotta get your baby.
Hold on, please.

Go with Dizzy.
I'll get your baby.

Go with Dizzy. Hold on.

No, no, no, no, no.
Okay, hold on.

-You're gonna go, um...
-Mommy, you drive!

Mommy, you drive!

Saying who's
the better driver.

The kids have voted.

Mommy! Mommy, you drive!

Door's closed. Open.

Where do you go
from a tragedy?

I don't know.

I guess everybody gets
to find their own way.

Pain is not something that
any of us want to live with.

So little by little,
we start to move into a place

where we can try to begin
to heal.

Okay.

Sugar, eggs.
Butter, sugar, eggs.

Carmen, come!

Kids growing up
in the spotlight,

it's complicated, especially
during a hard experience.

-Hello.
-Hello.

And I'm trying to be mindful
of that.

We really have to try
to get them grounded.

All right.

We're making grandma's recipe.

We're gonna make
grandma's cake,

and we're gonna make
Lulu-friendly cake, okay?

And they're gonna be more
or less the same,

except we're gonna do hers
without the things

she's allergic to.

[laughs]

And then we're gonna
have butterfingers.

-Butterfingers.
-[mumbles]

My hands are buttery.

One day, I will not be here,
so you have to learn this recipe,

and you are gonna have
to make it.

Okay, okay.

-Sifting, sifting.
-But watch what you're doing.

-I know.
-Okay.

-I had such a weird dream.
-About what?

I had a dream that we moved,
I'm not quite sure where.

-Where would we go?
-We were never going back to the US,

but when we were saying that,
and we believed that,

we were still going to the US.
It was really confusing.

Okay, how are you feeling
about everything?

Like, you know, we went to
New Mexico, now we're here.

Are you feeling...

-It's okay, no,
they're not here. -We went to New Mexico.

No, Carmen, Carmen,
they're not listening.

With our kids during this,
I think that there are some that understood,

you know, Carmen.

We chose to bring her
to the trial in New Mexico

because she's the kind
of person where she doesn't see us.

-If she wasn't with us,
she'd go crazy. -Her mind is gonna go...

-Yeah, her mind
would go very... -She was here with the boys.

She's young.

She's going to be 11
in a month.

But she's also
very intellectually curious

and seeking.

And if she was here
with just them...

-I think she would have
really had very... -She would have really been

super hoops of anxiety.

[Hilaria] She would have been
very, very anxious.

But we were like really
stressed out on our way,

like leading up to it.
Was it hard?

Yeah. Once I got there,
I felt more calm.

Like when I was here,
I was like, oh no.

But like then when
I was there, I was like, oh, okay.

What were you afraid about
when you were here?

That dad was going to jail.

That the boys wouldn't see
their papa again.

[Hilaria]
That's one thing about kids.

They absorb so much more than
we think that they are.

And it's sort of this weird
balance of being able

to give them information,
because otherwise

they're gonna fill
the information in,

and then not giving them
too much information

to not make them more worried
about things.

One of the reasons
like why I brought you

was because I realized
that the way that you deal with stress

is a lot of times you have
to see what's going on.

And some of the other ones,
it's a little bit more,

it's better for them
to get distracted.

Yeah.

I don't think, like,
she can't hide stuff from me.

Even if she tries, she can't.
It's impossible.

And so I brought you
because I thought that that was,

from our conversations,
that that was going to be

the best thing for you.

I don't know if I made
the right choice.

-Yeah, you did.
-I did?

And I would have long walks
and I'd talk with her

and I'd explain it to her.

Whereas Rafa,
through Mary Lou,

we have them in
a certain routine that

they can kind of bury
themselves in

that routine and get
a bit distracted.

Yeah, sure.

-And...
-They have distractions.

-I mean...
-Nothing distracts Carmen.

-No, but at the same time...
-She wants to be on every board of directors.

It's the age
and it's the personality.

I remember being really
stressed and walking with you

and trying to figure out,
like, what am I supposed to do?

How are we going
to get through this?

What's this going to be like?

And we did.

Yeah. I'm done sifting.

You did a really good job.
I'm so proud of your sifting.

-I'm so proud of your sifting.
Sifting, sifting. -I'm so proud of your sifting.

Your sifting is the best.

Hey, how was your day at camp?

Carmen, can I do it?

You know what I'm looking
forward to now, Carmen?

-Yeah?
-That we can have a more predictable life, maybe.

-Mommy,
can I have a chocolate? -Yes.

I need it for the cake.

Mama, can I have
some chocolate?

How do we get them?

I'll give you guys more,
but we have to use them for the cake.

[Alec] I think children,
when I'm observing,

particularly from
this experience, they hide their feelings.

They learn to stuff
their feelings because

they think it's not
appropriate or they're afraid

of those feelings.

-I think that's such
an inaccurate thing. -And even he...

I don't think that's
at all true.

Can I finish before you go?
Why don't you finish?

-Then you can hog up
the whole... -That's not even a true thing.

-Okay.
-They're so connected to their feelings.

Okay.

Is it done?

It's done. Do you want to see?

-Yeah.
-Is that you, Alec?

-Hi.
-Where's my cake?

It's so hot, you're going
to burn yourself.

Is that hot?

Who cares.

[laughs]

I spent a lot of...
I'm always watching.

I'm watching all of them
all the time.

This entire thing has been
as many things with parenting.

There's been no manual.

[indistinct chatter]

-Mommy, I want cake.
-[Hilaria] He's making the cake.

But you only have
four pieces left.

-[child] I want!
-Good.

Not only were we holding
on so much,

and then it's gonna take us
a long time to kind of release it,

it's that our kids,
on their level of age,

were doing exactly
the same thing.

[Alec]
What do we need to do now?

I've never been through
anything like this in my entire life.

Who knows what's
the right thing to do?

[Hilaria] With seven
little children in the house,

sometimes it's impossible
to complete a sentence.

And when we're talking
about issues that are really important,

like healing, like where
are we going from here,

we have to get out of
the house in order to focus

and be able to have these
more serious conversations.

And we also know that Alec
loves a restaurant.

Hi, how are you?

-How are you?
-Good.

[Hilaria]
Alec is such a New Yorker.

And what a New Yorker is,
is we eat out.

He loves the experience.

He loves the no mess.

That's definitely
a big part of it.

What do you want
to have, sweetie?

I am going to have, can I have
the summer salad, please?

Sure.

I'm going to have
the egg sandwich. You know what I'll do?

So they make it into
an omelet with the cheddar

-and the pickled onions
in there? -Yep.

How many eggs is in there?

Like three.

-They put three eggs in it?
-Yeah.

I want a lot of eggs.

I'm going to have
that no bacon.

And you should add avocado.

-You want a bite of it?
-There you go.

Okay, we're going
to add avocado.

Because that was
the other thing I liked on the menu.

-I just don't want
to get sleepy. -We're going to add avocado.

-You seeing how this works
now? Getting this now? -[waiter laughs]

-Avocado in the omelet.
-I'll share some of my salad.

And you share some
of your egg sandwich.

Oh, you'll share some
of your salad?

-And that spells marriage.
-I can't wait. And you have regular fries?

-I'll have the fries.
I want some fries. -Yeah, of course.

-Okay, thank you very much.
-I'm not gonna pretend.

-Summertime.
-Thank you, thank you.

-Thank you.
-No problem.

Cheers to doing lunch.

When was the last time
you and I had lunch?

Lunch in Montauk.

-That was like
a chapter of a book. -That was...

-Lunch in Montauk.
-Lunch in Montauk was pre-children.

Careful you have a butterfly.

-No, it's a good look,
it's a good look. -Wait, wait, film it, film it.

-Aw.
-He likes you.

-Can I have it?
-Okay.

Look, it's like cleaning
its wings or something.

-What is it doing?
-[Alec] It's cleaning its butt.

-I feel like this
is like a sign. -It's love.

-It's a sign for the baby.
-Do you love me?

It's literally going
like this.

No, no, watch out. [sighs]

-That's magical.
-That was magical.

It's good luck.
It's such good luck.

Okay, guys.
We got this summer salad.

-Wow.
-Got your egg sandwich.

Thank you.

Um...

Now that we've gotten
to this place,

I think it's good to have
a check-in.

Not only checking in
and making sure that

we're doing right by our kids,

but I think even more
importantly is we have to put

-our own oxygen mask on.
-Of course.

-And that's what I'm doing.
-Good analogy.

And I have weekly therapy
appointment.

Um, and that's been
very helpful.

Over the past three years,

our kids have gone through
a hard time.

We've gone through
a hard time.

I want to make an appointment
with our family therapist

to check in and make sure
that we are steering our ship

in the right direction.

What are our challenges,
do you think?

For me,
it's my exercise routine

and how I, you know,
how I schedule my day.

That structure works
really well for somebody

who has ADHD.

And it's not, yes,
it's for my body,

but most of it's for my mind.
Because if I move

and I move and I move,
I can think clearer.

I was diagnosed with ADHD
as a child.

And it's been an interesting
journey.

I like to explain it like
you're getting tumbled in a wave.

You get tumbled in a wave
and you get like kind of,

like, spun around backwards
and you kind of just get, like,

stuck somewhere.

And understanding it
has helped me to get back

to it a little bit better,
but I still have a lot of work to do.

-So that's the thing is that
that's where I'm hoping... -It's a neurosis.

...that our next steps
are going to be that I can address mine,

because again,
we're very clever.

We've figured out ways
to calm our nervous system,

which is what we're doing.

And we can sort of be like,
oh, but you know what?

It's because I like to have
a clean house.

Or, oh, it's because I like
to be in shape, right?

We can say these things,
but...

Is it actually hurting us?

For me, my nature
to obsess about my problems

and try to solve that.

I've white-knuckled that
steering wheel my whole life.

-I've tried to make the car go
where I want it to go. -Right.

And taken years of my life
in the process.

Now, I'd like to stop
doing that.

I mean, I think
that's really wise.

I think the one thing is...

to see what can you control,
that we can make small shifts

just within ourselves.

Alec is a man born
in the 1950s,

and asking for help
is a difficult thing.

I also think it's
his generation.

Which is that you're supposed
to be much more shut down.

You just go, you work,
you do these things.

You gotta be a man,
you gotta be strong,

you gotta be all these
different kinds of things.

But I think that the asking
for help is not something

that was modeled for him.

And hopefully he can realize
that it's okay.

Recently, I've gotten
so focused on my own mental health

and understanding, you know,

why I function in
a certain way.

How do I deal with stress
in a certain way?

Because I will catch myself
in times.

I'm like, oh, okay,
that's interesting. This is what I'm doing.

Or I feel like I have
to do certain things

in a certain way.

And then I kind of question,
I'm like, but do I have to?

But would life still be okay
if I didn't do it that way?

For you, you have your,
you know, your OCD and...

It's organizing.

You do these things
in extreme circumstances

-to try to quiet your mind.
-Right.

-And...
-Like what?

Like needing to know
that all the goggles are in

-the goggle place.
-Oh, you're talking about something negative.

It's... because the thing
is that what I'm trying

to have you understand
is organization and being like,

well, I'm just trying
to be clean can be really good.

Unless it's affecting sleep,
stress, the way that

you interact with people,
if it's stressing people out around you

because you hold things
to a different standard than

the average person.

-What would happen if you left the goggles
on the grass... -Goggles on the grass?

-...for a night?
-On the lawn?

Yeah, what would happen?

What would happen?

The question is,
do you agree with me?

-And...
-What is it?

It's...

weekly therapy.

And I hope that
that's something that

you are gonna wanna do
as well.

I agree with you.

I'll talk to a therapist.
I'm gonna talk to somebody.

I wanna get insight into
how do we allow,

how do we get everything
to kind of...

The water to get calm.

-I feel like our kids
have been in a boat. -Yeah.

And that boat's been going up
and down and up and has been,

you know, stormy seas
and they've been scared.

-Yeah.
-I told people that we were on a boat

and we're heading toward
the iceberg.

We're heading toward the ice
and at the last minute we go,

ooh, and we go around
and I'm like, oh my God.

No, this is the analogy.

We're going towards
the iceberg and it looks like

a really, really scary iceberg
and then all of a sudden

the iceberg was like, shh,
and we continue on.

That's what happened.

I'm so glad you're not writing
my next movie.

I'm elated.

I can walk away from
this lunch, that's a victory.

You're not gonna get
your fingers anywhere

near my new movie.

-[waiter] How are you doing?
-I'm good.

You're not eating your fries?

No, no, put them in a box,
we put them in the oven

and heat them up,
the kids will love it.

-The kids will love it.
-My sons will eat every one of those.

Put them in a little box,
do you mind?

Yeah, yeah, no problem,
no problem.

-That's it, we'll eat
everything else. -Thank you.

Yeah, sure.

All I care about now is
I want you to be happy and comfortable.

-No, I appreciate that.
-I want those kids to be happy and comfortable.

You know what I'm going to do?
I'm going to go back to school.

-What are you going to learn?
-And sit in a room. Spanish.

-Really?
-Yeah.

That's not convenient for me
because then I can't talk about you.

-Then you can't talk about me
behind my back? -Yes.

Why don't you just pick
Swedish?

I mean,
who's going to learn Swedish?

I'm nervous to bring Alec
to therapy

because it has not been
something he's been

very receptive about
in the past.

We've tried a few times
since we've known each other

and he has been through
a lot of pain in his life,

but he thinks it's easier
to keep it in.

But ultimately it's just
bubbling under the surface

and it's going to...
it is affecting him.

It's affecting our family
and he can live so much more free

if he just learns
to let go of it and open up.

[Alec] Parenting,
you need to have plenty of spare batteries.

Because if you flag,
if you stumble,

and you just sit there,
that's not good for your kids.

Oh, thank you for that.
I needed a little refreshment.

[Alec]
Thank God we have a big pool.

When I built this pool,
I didn't have seven kids.

And I was here by myself.

Psychic stroke
of genius of mine.

This is a big part
of their summer.

One of the most important
things we do is we get bugs.

-We clean the filters. Oh!
-Wait, what?

Many bugs.

-Oh, wow.
-Oh, my God.

Look at that. Oh, my God.
There's so much crap in here.

Look at the bugs, Louie.
Oh, Louie, look.

So many bugs, Lou.
Look at this.

Could you give me
the red bucket?

Yeah, I could, Daddy.

Throw them in the grass
so the birds can eat them.

I'm going to whoosh some water
over here.

All right, here we go. Whoosh.

I never won an Oscar.

They had one for whooshing.

I'm the Daniel Day Lewis
of whooshing.

What do we got here, Schmedza?

Oh, my God!

Let other people go to
the south of France

and go on Geffen's yacht
and sip wine

and espresso martinis.

That's not what I want.

I want to clean the filters
in my pool and throw

all the bugs on the grass.

My OCD is,
it is what it is in my life.

-It's part of my upbringing.
-What you're saying is just worse.

-There are worse problems
one can have. -No, can I tell you something?

-Can I tell you something?
-Yeah.

You would be a lot happier
without it.

I say to you sometimes,
you know what?

-You left those dishes.
-No, you'd be a lot happier.

All of us.
Because you know what?

It also was before the kids.
People would say that to me.

And when I entered
your house...

And I saw the things stacked
just so and things had to be

-and how you shift things
and do things. -It's my illness.

No, it don't have to be ill.

You don't have to make it bad
like that.

You know this is my illness.

And I want to say that to you.

One, two, three, go.

What are you going to do?
Catch it with your butt?

One, two, three, go.

Almost, almost.

I realized, somebody said this
to me, am I supporting the OCD

or am I supporting Alec?

You know, and that's,
and that in anything,

I think about that
with myself too.

Who am I working with?

And so I want to always
support you,

which is why I call you out
on when you give

a bull [bleep] excuse
like you just did.

Ready? One more regular
because you're so good.

Ready? One, two, three, go.

Wow!

That was epic.
That was epic.

You remember last night,
there was a crow, like a dead crow?

-Yes.
-It wasn't there this morning.

And I was like, oh, okay,
something ate it

or something awful happened,
right?

And then as I come back
from my run, it was like moving around.

And so we caught it,
and it's at the vet.

This happened to you
with me with the geese.

-Yes.
-Or the swan or whatever.

-No, no. It was not a swan.
It was a seagull. -It was a white.

-Okay. What did they teach us
about the bird? -That they had to put it down.

Right. Why?
'Cause what can't be fixed?

Their wings.

The wings cannot be repaired
orthopedically or whatever.

But better to do something
more humane.

-No, no.
Good for you that you tried. -Thank you.

-Yes.
-Yeah.

-The crow died.
-The crow died.

-Oh, the crow died?
-Uh-huh.

Are we going to
the orthopedist

to see if the wing is fixed?

-No, where are we going?
-You wish. Wouldn't that be amazing?

One day. No, we're going to go
to see Dr. Sultan,

and we're going to kind of
check in on what

we've been through
and what our kids have been through.

We have access to this amazing
therapist,

and what can we learn
so that we can make sure

that as we are...

just putting one foot in front
of the other,

that we are steering our ship
in the right direction.

Other families have also
been through hard things.

So this is obviously something
that has been studied.

I'm sure that there
are answers.

All right.

Success.

-Don't forget the key, please.
-You mean this one?

-Yeah, that one.
-That I was going to leave in the car?

No, don't forget it.

[car honks]

Gotta get out
of the way, UPS,

because they will
run you over.

-I know, they will. Very fast.
-They will run you.

They're in a hurry.

Hello.

-[Dr. Sultan] Hi, how are you?
-[Hilaria] How are you?

-Nice to see you.
-[Dr. Sultan] Good to see you.

You dress so nicely,
and I'm here to clean your pool.

-Yeah, good to see you.
-Where are we sitting?

Right here, guys.

I've tried to bring Alec
to therapy many times

over the course
of knowing him.

And it's hard for him.

You're digging up things
that are uncomfortable,

but it's about release.

It's about moving
through things.

So no, I'm nervous.

I'm nervous about going there
and I'm nervous because

so many times in the past,
it hasn't gone in a way

where he's stuck with it.

-[Dr. Sultan]
Can I start with one thing? -[Hilaria] Yeah.

[Dr. Sultan]
So one of the things that I really had never had

a sense of was how challenging
it is to be supporting

each other and processing
through, I mean,

what has been a rough,
what, almost three years?

It'll be three years
in October.

Two things that are really
important.

Maybe we should shut
these off completely.

No, it's literally
our children.

No, but I don't want Carmen
to do that.

That's my fault.
I usually enforce that.

I actually put mine away.

If I don't finish,
I lose my concentration.

Go ahead.

And this is a result of
what happened to me.

I mean, if I'm talking
to you and somebody interrupts me,

I forget exactly what
I was saying. I can't go back.

I'm very traumatized
by what happened.

The, uh...

[Hilaria]
Alec needs to be told it's okay to talk about

how he feels, to allow himself
to break

and be a little messy
because he keeps everything in

until he bursts.

And when he bursts,
it's not done in a way that

is thoughtful and in
the direction of healing.

He is very vulnerable
and I'm afraid of

what might come out.

[Alec] Two years, nine months
of this, it changes you.

-Absolutely.
-And you accommodate. You accommodate.

And I had to accommodate
to how I was living.

And then all of a sudden,
as soon as you accommodate

and you're living eight
or nine months, you're still in pain,

you're still angry,
you're still upset,

but you're slowly accepting
that maybe this is gonna be

this way forever.

When we went to the trial,
nobody had any idea

what was gonna happen.

Let me just finish,
because I'm going to lose my train of thought.

-Go, go, go.
-And that is that when you go, and we're going there,

no one had any idea whatsoever
what was going to happen.

You adjust to, now it's over,
in a two-hour period,

and I walk out the door
and I'm completely free.

After what happened,
it's been really, really...

I mean, I've had like
an emotional, mental,

neurological, whatever
the whole composition of it is,

is inability to focus
and to concentrate.

And that's not me.

That's not me.
I have a photographic memory.

I mean, they'd hand me
two-page monologues on 30 Rock that morning.

And I memorized it,
but I just had that,

I developed that ability.

And my memory's shot.

I can't remember
anything anymore.

It's really scary.

And for me, the stress
and the pressure of public life at my age,

that's not good
for my mental health.

And that's where I really
want to make sure that

we're being smart about
where do we go from here.

I am someone
who have found that there is no right or wrong.

You do the best you can.
You bring the greatest

of yourself
and your intelligence

and your caring to
bear to make these decisions

about our children.

And then after you give it
some thought,

my motto is, I'm tired
of talking about it.

We have to take an action.

In my mind, that doing
what's best for yourself,

your mental health,
and doing what's best

for your children's
mental health is an action you must take.

And you don't have to agree
with me about that action,

but we're not taking
any action.

I really feel like we owe
our children the willingness,

the willingness
and the open-mindedness

to try something outside
of New York.

It's good that we have a sense
of where you are.

That sounds like this is
a really important place

that you're in right now
that is affecting your decision making.

As we know that one of
your prioritizations is sort of,

I think, removing yourself
from the public eye

a little bit and moving to
an area that you think

would be lower stress
interaction.

Great.

Let's ask her where
she would like to go.

I remember when I had only
known you for a little bit,

and you had something happen,
and you did an interview.

And on the cover, it was like,
goodbye, New York.

I'm leaving. Goodbye.

Alec is always wanting
to run away when something bad happens.

And that's normal.

And so I know that in him,
you know,

in our relationship when
I was younger.

And he would retreat.

And even, like, just little
spats between us.

And he would retreat.

And I would get so worried.

-I'd like to take action.
-[Dr. Sultan] Okay, but we're not there yet.

But the action may be that
we move here, we go here,

we choose these jobs,
we don't choose these jobs.

Those things, they're going
to all fall into place.

But we're not going to know
what the right thing is

if we don't do the hard work.

As your wife, as your partner,
as the mother of the children,

is I see moments where
you want to run away,

you want to deflect,
you want to like,

all of a sudden things get
a little bit hard

and we're saying, yes,
we take action.

And I've lived with you,
I've known you for 13 years,

over 13 years now.

And for you, it's always,
well, I have to move.

Well, I have to quit this.
Well, I have to do that.

Alec is an actor.

He loves to connect.

He loves that energy.

When I see him with
his friends at SNL

and when he was on 30 Rock,
those are his people.

That is his community.
That's his home base.

And the action that you
and I need to take is in here

-and in here.
-That's your opinion.

No, no, no.
But I'm telling you.

It's not a fact.
That's your opinion.

There's no facts.
There's only opinions.

-There are no facts.
-Right, exactly.

There are no facts.
There are only opinions.

But I can tell you that
what is the great AA quote

that you told me?

Wherever you go,
your problems follow you.

-You show up.
-You show up.

I'm acknowledging
what you're saying.

I've known that as an AA term
for 30-something, 39 years.

I get it. I get it.
All I'm saying is that...

I do not want to go back
to the life I had.

I don't.

I don't care.

I don't want to go back.

I don't.

-[Dr. Sultan] You are withdrawing.
-And I don't apologize for it.

-Your priorities are shifting.
-Right.

Like, I mean, you have
a lot of individuals that-

Are counting on us.

You and the two of you
together, right?

[Alec] I'm like
organizing my shoes.

I worry about Alec
because we were living with

so much stress for such
a long time that his OCD

has gotten even worse.

[indistinct chatter]

[Alec] After everything
we've been through,

I just want to take care
of my family.

-I want to be left alone.
-Dada.

Yes, I'm Dada.

[Hilaria] Oh, look, paparazzi.
It's okay. Just ignore him.

[Alec] I've had my skirmishes
with paparazzi,

and I've had my, you know,
problems.

If you're here when my wife
and my kid come out here,

you've got a big problem.

What are you doing?

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