Original subtitles

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING)

* The hangman's got a hard-on

* The pretty minstrels sway

* The pundit reeks of coffin

* The banker rapes a maid

* We will not sing

* In your damn parade

(SINGING)

* We will not sing

* In your damn parade

* We will not sing

* In your damn parade

* We will not sing

* In your damn parade

* We will not sing

JESSICA MOSS: They were really serious people

that were taking the world seriously.

When I heard that they were thinking about expanding their band

I jumped at the opportunity.

(VOCALIZING)

EFRIM MENUCK: We made this decision

that we were going to be a touring band.

We were going to be able to throw our shit on any stage anywhere

any day of the week and at least win over

a handful of people in the room.

* Some! Hearts! Are! True!

* Some! Hearts! Are! True!

Every song Mt. Zion has ever played

has sort of had the same basic theme to it.

That, you know, things are bad now and they have to get better,

which will get you heckled at a lot of places

if you start talking about that stuff.

But people are good and together we can do anything.

(CROWD CHEERING)

MENUCK: Merci. Merci. Merci. Thank you.

(BABY GURGLING)

MOSS: Oh, there we go, see that's good. Let him hear it.

MOSS: We never considered not touring with Ezra.

We were making a record. We were going to tour as much as we could.

I was worried but I felt really confident as well. I knew we could do it.

We toured through North America and Europe.

He went from six months to nine months during that period.

I've put it in such a safety deposit box

and put it so far out in the back of my head.

It was incredibly difficult.

For both of us.

It was an incredibly difficult experience. It really was.

It was pretty lonely and isolating

and there was not very much sleep.

And I felt so on the outside of my band on that tour.

I felt like a burden.

(SINGING)

MENUCK: I just felt guilt and inadequacy on that tour,

on the parenting front.

I felt incapable of doing more.

MOSS: We sort of got separated into these traditional roles very quickly.

All I knew how to do was keep this baby happy.

Efrim needed to be out in the world taking care of everything else.

* I built myself a metal bird

* I fed my metal bird

MOSS: On the other hand, you know, we did it. We did it.

You know, I look at the photos and it was incredible what we did.

Ezra was learning how to stand and walk

on the bus while it was moving.

You want me to write a dog?

You want me to write a train?

I'm going to write you a train.

Say, "Hi, camera."

MENUCK: If it weren't for getting to know Jessica's family,

I have no experience with good familial relationships.

Even though I loved Ezra I didn't know how to relate to him so much.

I think I was emotionally absent almost all of the time.

MOSS: We were both very unprepared

for the enormity of having an infant.

MENUCK: I didn't get too freaked out when I was broke before, you know?

Now I get super anxious.

Any touring musician, your bank account is going to go up

and they get drained almost immediately.

Like anyone who's doing contract work.

The expenses of touring for us have gone through the roof.

It's a lot more expensive for us to tour now.

We have to bring a nanny,

we have to tour in a tour bus,

which we never considered doing before we had a kid.

I mean, you know, those are huge expenses.

Most of my head now is consumed with this idea that I have to provide.

Daddy. Oh, Daddy.

(INAUDIBLE)

(EZRA TALKING INDISTINCTLY) MOSS: Yeah. I'll bet.

EZRA: Go bye-bye. Go bye-bye.

We've been together six or seven years now. Seven years almost.

This is the first time where we're not doing the same thing.

And it's Godspeed so there's like, you know, thousands of adoring fans every night.

And I'm getting up and going to the Y playgroup, you know?

Going to the cafe. Yeah.

And this is my life and I know it's not forever but...

You're a wife. So crazy.

Like, I'm at home. But I feel like it's going to go by...

I'm a stay-at-home mom.

You're a stay-at-home-mom, you really are.

If you look at it on paper, Efrim's off working and bringing home the bacon.

Mmm-hmm.

Jessica's at home with the baby, cooking and cleaning.

You want a book? This one? No.

This one? No.

This one?

Yeah. Yeah.

That.

That's water you put on the tray.

That's water you put on the tray.

That's water in the book.

You're smart.

MOSS: This is a collage I made for Efrim's record.

It's the first artwork I've done since Ezra was born.

I think we might photograph it.

I just want to make sure it doesn't look like ever it was in Photoshop.

This record that Efrim's making is very personal

and I think it's pretty incredible

that he's asked for a painting of him and Ezra on the cover.

I do too. When I started to paint it,

I thought, "Okay, I have to be prepared that it might be...

"End up being too much..."

Right. For him. Like he might...

Yeah, he told me on the phone how much he loves it.

Okay, good.

What do you see?

(BABY TALK)

NADIA MOSS: He did something that he artistically wanted to do

from something he had in his heart.

Like a poetic response to his son.

He has the time, I guess and the luxury of making like this beautiful...

And the support.

And the support to make a piece of art

about his son and fatherhood

and it's beautiful.

I mean, you get to have a lot of things but I don't...

You don't get to step back, I guess, from the situation,

the parenting, and like respond to it.

Don't you find that art about motherhood is...

There's an aspect of like... (SHUDDERS)

Yeah, I know. Why?

...not interested. I know.

Isn't that weird?

Still, to this day, women's narratives

are not considered as interesting and that's just all there is to it

but I think maybe there's something else.

Like there's the time aspect.

Or that's what I'm realizing... But I think that's it.

...from watching you is like...

There's the time aspect. It's the time.

I just wish that I could be a father.

Like I don't think I want to be a mom.

Nadia's going to take you for a walk. Mama.

It's cold out. (CRYING)

Ezra, it's freezing out.

We're going for a walk.

MOSS: There's no question in my mind that I wanted and want to have kids.

NADIA: Mmm-hmm. I've always known that.

MOSS: But as I got older and as my life became about being in a rock band

and being an artist and being an independent lady,

I stepped away from wanting to have kids

as soon as I could because I knew that once I did,

it would mean...

That I would become this mother.

There's this bizarre thing

that you become a mother and you become like kind of grotesque, you know?

Even though everyone will say to you, "Oh, it's so amazing what you're doing.

"It's so wonderful." You know?

"Wow."

But at the same time you feel this kind of pulling away.

Like, holy shit, where did everybody go?

Everything changed, you know?

I started playing when I was five

with the idea that it could be something serious in my life.

It was forced upon me and now, of course, I'm so grateful that it was.

(SINGING)

Growing up it feels like anything is possible.

And the moment that you become a mother it stops feeling that way.

All of a sudden we become less

even though in our own tiny little world we become huge

because we become somebody's mother.

I want so much to go back to what I was doing.

MENUCK: In this one, she's going like this...

(VOCALIZES)

In this one, he's going like this... (VOCALIZES LOUDER)

In this one, she's going like this... (VOCALIZES LOUDER)

In this one, she's going like this...

(VOCALIZES LOUDER)

I wanna do it again. All right.

MENUCK: I would give my right arm to have like, you know, six months at home.

In this one, she's going like this...

MENUCK: The mother's job is so much harder than the father's job.

And the gender balance gets totally knocked on its ass.

You think you're doing a good job with that stuff

and then you have a kid and all of a sudden you realize

that you're totally lame with that stuff.

Look at that. Look at the camera.

MENUCK: In Ezra's first year,

Godspeed started rehearsing full time, like a day job,

and it was reaching this point where I felt like the cliche.

I was coming home from practices like, you know,

"I need a drink," and like practically loosening my necktie

and then Jessica had been with Ezra the whole day and...

(BABY TALK)

We have to figure out something else other than me being on the road

and you being at home, right?

I don't want that.

* Hearts! Are! True!

* Some! Hearts! Are! True!

* Some! Hearts!

DAVE PAYANT: I can think of a couple of friends of mine,

musicians who in the last few years have had kids

and they don't do the music so much anymore.

I think Efrim and Jessica are showing that it's possible, but I don't know

if their example is enough to inspire the courage for me to...

I don't know how...

Personally how I would fare in the same situation.

* True!

* Some! Hearts! Are! True!

PAYANT: So as Ezra's godfather, you are to be his spiritual advisor?

Is that one of the, uh... I don't really know.

What's the job description of a godfather?

(WHISTLING)

THIERRY AMAR: I see it as just someone who's a protector

and someone who's there for him.

And I think we're lucky to be in a band

where most of us are really close and we're really good friends.

(SINGING)

MENUCK: Most bands don't share anything equally.

You know, once money comes in,

generally most of the money goes to one or two people in the band.

And that's a sure-fire way to earn a living in this business.

You know, if you take more than your bandmates do

then you'll probably be okay.

To me that's dishonest.

We're committed to the idea of wealth redistribution, you know?

The rich shouldn't be so rich and the poor shouldn't be so poor.

So why would we replicate any of that class system

in our own band dynamic, right?

EZRA: Six! One, two, three, four, six!

EZRA: One, two, three,

four, six!

SOPHIE TRUDEAU: We have to make a little money but we live pretty simple lives.

We're not extravagant

and success is being able to do what you love doing

and not having to compromise.

That I haven't had a job for the past ten years

is pretty much my success.

(BABY TALK)

MENUCK: The sides of the...

Have to keep the workflow going.

They're labeled for...

PAYANT: You guys want to stack these in order?

MENUCK: Why not just number them after they're folded?

AMAR: We're like a neighborhood grocery store.

We earn, you know, basically a lower middle-class living

and I feel content with that if it could last.

If we don't finish, worst-case scenario

is we bring the box on the bus and at some point I'll finish it.

MENUCK: And this idea that you could earn a wealthy living

playing music is a recent innovation.

For centuries, musicians were the lowest rung of the ladder.

We're like the degenerates,

the people who like played for pennies in the town square.

We identify with that tradition.

* Citizens in their homes

* Missiles in their holes

* Citizens in their homes

* They built themselves a beauty by the ton *

MENUCK: I feel like before that happened,

when I would look at Mt. Zion I felt like

Mt. Zion was just sort of an orphaned band.

We didn't feel much in common with anything

contemporary, but at the same time

we weren't playing old-timey music either.

And playing with Vic sort of opened up this idea that "Fuck, no," you know,

like we're working within a tradition.

MOSS: We write music that's like harder than what we can actually play.

We just end up making these impossible songs

and then we sing them even though we can't sing very well.

I constantly feel like my position as a musician in the world is tenuous.

Like I constantly feel like I'm going to turn the corner and it will be gone.

Why is it that there are so few women

in their mid-30s and beyond in bands?

We're the veterans now. I know.

It's like, who's... We made it!

It's the golden years now! (LAUGHS)

Or did we? I don't know, you know? It's...

MOSS: Right now I'm just thinking,

"Okay, what's going to go in Ezra's suitcase?

"What's going to keep him occupied when he's bugging everybody else?"

Just thinking about him constantly

and his well-being and then how can I keep him feeling great

so that everyone else can feel great.

So I don't feel this guilt and responsibility of...

The fact of him, you know what I mean?

Fix it, Mommy.

No one would ever say this to me,

but I do sometimes question,

like wouldn't it be easier for everybody if I just quit, you know?

I feel that within me.

I don't feel that from anybody else, I feel that within me.

You can't even think about it.

You can't tour without your child.

And our husbands would never be thinking

about what to put in the arts and crafts package for the bus.

And I think that's like the heart of the matter.

It's like as a mother you can't escape that.

NATALIA YANCHAK: Now the band isn't my first priority, I have this child.

My family is my first priority.

MOSS: What if we break him?

I don't think we're going to break him.

We might break him. We might break him a little bit.

We'll see what happens. You know?

We'll see how it goes.

I think we both have the feeling and Efrim

keeps reminding me of this is that

it would be so much easier not to do it, and...

But if we don't do it then, you know...

We have to do it. Like we just have to do it.

We have to try.

(CROWD CHEERING)

MENUCK: We are the Silver Mt. Zion Memorial Orchestra

from Montreal, Quebec.

(EZRA SPEAKING)

Yeah, it's morning time.

MOSS: To get to the most places in the least amount of time,

we're basically driving for a week straight.

Not only drive at night but we drive in the day too.

Half the band just stays in bed, which I totally understand.

(EZRA CRYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

MENUCK: The hours you keep when you're on the road

are exactly the worst hours to raise a kid.

When we have to drive is the time when he should not be cooped up in a van.

When we have to go to work

is when we should be with him

getting him ready to go to bed.

I mean, it's all topsy-turvy.

(EZRA SPEAKING)

So many buses, so many buses.

So many buses, so many buses.

AMBER: You wanna ride for a bit, sweetheart?

You getting tired?

Okay, baby.

Everyone's okay?

They're treating you well here? They're treating you okay?

They're not ripping you off on drinks or I don't know,

searching you unnecessarily or anything?

Does anyone else have a question?

MAN: Play music! You fuckin' play music.

What the fuck? (CROWD LAUGHS)

Anyone else have a question?

TRUDEAU: Last year I was gone nine months, you know?

Like just so much.

Having Tim on the road makes it...

It's like, "Oh, let's go on tour."

One, two. Hey, one, two.

TRUDEAU: And who knows, maybe I'll want to have kids someday.

But Tim is not so excited about touring with kids.

So we'd have to figure it out.

MAN: Ezra!

MOSS: If you want to run, sweetie, you can run to me, okay? Run!

Oh!

Ha!

(EZRA SPEAKING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

MENUCK: No toys for Christmas this year.

MOSS: Some beautiful art.

MENUCK: What shampoo do I use?

I use your mother's shampoo. She gave it to me personally.

If you come closer I smell like your mother.

Anyone else have a question?

MENUCK: When you earn most of your living playing music for drunk people,

where the bar's in the room, it's not really about you on any given night,

it's about a whole lot of other things in the room, you know?

As opposed to in a theater where everyone's seated

and it's very hushed and very quiet.

MENUCK: We're all stuck with each other.

We all of us stink. We all of us smell bad.

We all of us make bad smells.

We all of us make bad decisions.

We all of us say shitty things to people we love just because we feel hurt.

But we're stuck with each other, yes?

MENUCK: There's nights where we just lose them within five minutes, you know?

An audience that totally came there to be, you know,

to watch the show and be quiet

and some nights we just lose them like that

and they just start talking amongst themselves.

I think it's the healthiest way for music to be presented.

It's good to feel some sort of resistance

when you're putting things into this world, you know?

If there's no resistance then it's a little too easy.

(SINGING)

MENUCK: Stop! Stop!

Come on back. Come on back.

Just be gentle with the seats and the stands, don't break anything.

Everybody's gentle, everything will be fine.

* Can't live on their remainders

* They are burning half the world *

(EZRA CRYING)

There's a hole here.

(CRIES)

You just got scared? Yeah.

So I guess we don't play right around here, huh?

(CRYING)

I guess we don't play right around here.

That's okay, we don't have to play right here.

Fell down right in there.

What happened?

I fell down right in there.

You fell down right in there.

Yeah.

Here, let's move away from it

so we don't fall down right in there anymore, okay?

I wanna go away. Come sweetie.

MOSS: Say it one more time. EZRA: Gap is mean.

I don't know what that means.

MAN: He's saying the gap. Oh, the gap.

You got stuck in the gap. Yeah, you did.

Oh. Oh.

MOSS: It's easy to withdraw back into,

"It's never going to work. It can't work. It can't work."

Can you go find me a snack?

Can you go with Amber and find Mommy a snack?

I want a snack too!

You want a snack too?

Okay, here sweetie. Here's Amber's hand.

She's going to find you a snack okay?

(EZRA CRYING)

I want two snacks. Yeah. Two snacks.

MOSS: How can it be possible to be the kind of parent that I want to be

and to be the kind of person who can continue to

make some kind of living doing what I love.

Is it selfish?

Or is it the best thing you can do for your kid

is showing them that you're doing what you love.

* And the day has come

* When we no longer feel

How's fatherhood? It's difficult, but it's great.

Thank you for asking.

He's on tour with us.

He plays spittle mouth, gurgle face.

He's pretty good at all those things.

MOSS: So far, it's worth it.

As long as it's okay with Ezra.

If it starts seeming not okay with Ezra then I'll have to rethink it.

MENUCK: I guess having a child is the first thing in my life that...

Other than having a checking account,

that's easily relatable to most people in the world.

I had a weird upbringing.

Strange childhood, strange adolescence,

difficult young adult, you know,

incredibly poor for a few years.

Being unemployed and being homeless

and stealing food to eat, you know?

Begging for change on the street.

Like all that stuff, you know?

So having a kid makes it feel less like a weirdo.

(PLAYING HARMONICA)

MENUCK: This song is about throwing bricks through windows.

And love.

Simultaneously.

It's called Microphones in the Trees.

(CROWD CHEERS)

You ready for snack time? I got us some strawberries.

Strawberries.

Strawberries.

(MENUCK SINGING)

(SINGING)

AMAR: It's easy sometimes to lose perspective when you're on tour, you know?

Just doesn't really feel like real life after a few weeks.

Ezra feels like real life.

He's super happy to be awake

at five in the morning

talking to me and I was like,

"Do you want to talk to your parents?

"Are you worried? Are you..."

He was totally less worried than me about anything, you know?

He was so...

"I in my bunk! Is bumpy!"

You know it's just like, fuck this is great!

I can't believe we're on the road

with this little jiggly guy, you know?

What is that?

Like bench press? Okay let's finish. What do you think?

MOSS: Okay, I'm gonna go, sweet pea.

I'm just going to go do the loading out

and then I can see you right after.

Okay?

Wanna go outside too.

You wanna go outside too?

Sweetie, I know. It's gonna be short, I promise.

It won't be hard today. Want you.

I know baby.

(MURMURS)

Portland! Sneakers!

MOSS: If I didn't take some morning times

then Amber would never get time off,

like on big driving days.

That job is incredibly hard

because you are working all the time. There are no days off.

There's your pinecone.

It's another gloomy post-rock number.

MAN: Whoo! We like that.

MOSS: The roles that we play in the band, they're very different.

MENUCK: It's still totally unequal on the road

and I think it always will be.

MOSS: Like even... Not even just morning times, but just in general,

being on tour, like the bulk of the parenting role will fall on me.

...no secular rock. (CROWD LAUGHS)

MOSS: Efrim has, you know, a huge amount of mental strain

to make the thing happen, to make the show happen.

We're both working very hard but in very different ways.

I joined the band.

You joined the band?

Jessica just quit.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

MOSS: But I think we are learning a language of how to make it feel

like we're walking arm in arm as opposed to miles away from each other.

* And the day has come

* When we no longer feel

* And the day has come

* When we no longer feel

* And the day has come

* When we no longer feel

* And the day has come

* When we no longer feel

* And the day has come

* When we no longer feel

(MAN SPEAKING)

Uh, because they're made out of like very good material

so they won't fall apart. It's the bare truth.

And they're environmentally sound and they're made in Canada.

We could've gotten you a cheap Chinese t-shirt but we didn't.

We're fairly ambivalent about the whole t-shirt thing

but guess what? None you all buy records anymore, so...

WOMAN: I do!

I know some of you do. Sorry none of you.

Most of you all don't buy records anymore.

MAN 2: Can I download a shirt?

You can download the shirt, yeah.

(ALL LAUGHING)

MENUCK: Piracy.

I think the most important records

that I ever heard in my life were things

that I taped on cassette from people who had more money than me.

I think that's a lovely thing.

How do you make a living as an artist when everything is on the Internet for free?

I have no problem with people getting stuff for free.

It's just people are getting rich

and it's not the people that are actually providing content for the Internet.

It's Apple that's getting rich,

it's the telecom giants who are getting rich,

it's Samsung that's getting rich, it's...

It's everybody but the people who are making stuff.

Ten years ago we were earning twice to three times as much as we are right now.

People stopped selling records

and all of a sudden everyone decided to go on the road.

So there's a lot more competition out there.

If you live in any mid to large city

in North America or Europe, it's a bounty.

You know, pretty much every other night of the week

there's an out-of-town band coming through that you could go see.

Because there's so much competition now,

you're getting more and more screwed at the end of the night

because they can get away with it, you know?

It's like you're not a scarce resource anymore,

a band that could fill that hole.

There are tons of bands that could fill that hole.

It feels like the last days of vaudeville out there.

One, two, check, one, two.

(PLAYING)

MENUCK: I'm super worried all the time.

I mean, what else would I do?

My resume right now would be as if I just got out of prison.

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

It's right here. We can get our supper right here.

EZRA: What you talking about? What you talking about?

MOSS: That's different than being a destination in Montreal...

What you talking about?

(PLAYING SAXOPHONE)

MOSS: I'm so proud of my whole band for being so great with him

and easy with him.

I feel so unbelievably down-on-my-knees lucky

that I get to keep doing what I'm doing.

(INAUDIBLE)

(LAUGHS)

I really don't know if I can keep it going.

I want to have some normalcy, you know?

Just a little something. A little normalcy.

I'd love to have children

but I don't think that's going to happen for me

so I would love to have a dog.

I can't even have a dog right now.

Men are able to stick with it for longer

because they're not having the children.

And that's what I've seen.

I've seen it all across the board

when women, at least in the music that I'm playing,

start their families, they have to take a step back.

And the men go on tour, they do all these things

and they can have, you know, twelve kids

because they've got their wife or girlfriend or you know,

what have you, the mother of their children

taking care of the basics.

And I do... For what I do, if I have children

I'd have to stop playing.

I would actually have to get a job

because for what I do I can barely support myself.

Sometimes I look at biographies of famous opera singers

and all these... I have always looked up to women in rock

because they're more...

But you look at them and you realize,

"Oh, she didn't have any children, she didn't have a family, she didn't have..."

I watched my mother raise, try to raise three children almost by herself

and so to see that and go like, "Wow."

And she never had the time to do anything for herself

and yet was able to be so selfless

and giving and that's what mothers do

and I couldn't do that.

I just couldn't. I don't have it in me

because the work takes so much,

I give so much to the work.

(LAUGHING)

MATANA ROBERTS: I know what it feels like to be loved by a mother

and it's so powerful.

Knowing what... And understanding that not all children get that.

(KISSING)

And I'm still feeding off of that,

so many years, you know, later so it's just...

I'm gonna cry now. Yeah, I'm gonna cry, too.

Can we stop? Yup.

Are you gonna have a nice sleep?

Mmm-mmm. Have a bad sleep.

You're gonna have a bad sleep? Yeah.

Don't tell me that. Why are you gonna have a bad sleep?

Because I think of things.

(BABY TALK)

Sweet pea, it's time to lie down.

Okay? (EZRA TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Can you listen to Daddy?

I a cat.

You're a cat? Yeah.

What sound does a cat make?

Meow meow!

That's right.

You a dog. Woof.

Cats don't like that sound.

Ezra's don't like that sound either.

I a cat.

Up, down, up, down, up, down!

Up, down, up, down, but not up, down.

Down!

MENUCK: You have to be 1000% on the side of humanity once you have a kid.

You have to... You're like rooting for the home team like you never had before.

What you did. I flopped you down like you asked.

Which is a big adjustment. That's a heavy adjustment.

For me that was the harder thing

was having to, like, get rid of a lot of my own cynicism, you know?

You have to be like, "No, things have to change,

"things have to get better 'cause this little

"innocent creature has to grow up into a world that's

"better than the one he was born into."

All right, I'm gonna put night lights on, are you ready?

* Go forth, man

* Get down

* With a mighty fist and a retarded crown

* Do the one-step, the two-step

* Sweet jubilee

* And show me the light, goddamn

* Tell me

* There is a light

* Tell me

* There is a light

Hi. Hi.

Got a balloon in my bottom.

Hi.

Happy birthday, Thierry.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday. ALL: Happy birthday.

Happy birthday, Thierry.

Cheers.

I couldn't imagine a better birthday

than to be here with you guys.

You don't wanna cheers that.

Sante.

One more cheers, buddy?

Thanks.

Yay! Cheers! Cheers!

Yeah.

Everybody in the bus!

Yeah. That's right, that never happens.

* Some! Hearts! Are! True!

* Some! Hearts! Are! True!

* Some! Hearts! Are! True!

* Some! Hearts! Are! True!

* Some! Hearts! Are! True!

* Some! Hearts! Are! True!

MOSS: I don't want things to end.

You know, now I want to bring Ezra everywhere and I want to go on tour with him.

I just want to work. I just want to do it.

I just want to do it while we can

'cause who knows how long we can do it.

MENUCK: Half my brain now was occupied with the hustle, you know?

I'm on the hustle all the time. I'm just always like,

"What's the next gig?" You know, like, "When's the next tour?"

Every other tour our booker will come out and say, you know,

"If you raised your ticket price by three dollars

"you'd make this much more on the tour," you know, and...

And we say, "Yeah, we know."

It's obscene what people charge for shows these days.

It's not right.

Especially when people have to

work so hard for $50.

It's just... It's never going to be right.

MOSS: Okay. EZRA: Caught a piggy.

I caught a piggy!

MOSS: Where's your band?

Oh, wait over there.

MOSS: Okay, go for it. Caught a piggy.

Caught a piggy! Caught a piggy!

(EZRA SPEAKING)

MOSS: I'm just looking for the plug.

EZRA: What? What are you looking for?

MOSS: I'm looking for the plug.

EZRA: What are you looking for?

MOSS: There used to be a part of my life where I did playing

with other people and in other projects

and for other people's records, and I

really haven't gotten a phone call for that since Ezra was born.

(PLAYING HARMONICAS)

NADIA: Ez, is that my hair brush? No.

Is it your hair brush?

It's... It's boring.

It's boring?

Yeah. Why is it boring?

MOSS: For Ezra I want a sibling.

I do think about that a lot. Mmm-hmm.

I had a conversation with Dave actually,

while we were on tour.

He sort of like, "Yeah, I can imagine, there's Ezra and there's another one."

He could actually... Yeah. On tour?

I can imagine it too.

I kind of understand why you want to prepare yourself for

having to not be able to do it, but I also feel like

maybe you shouldn't.

You mean I should be doing the opposite?

I think you should be doing the opposite.

I can't imagine him not having somebody

to make fun of his parents with, you know?

Like it's such a crucial aspect, you know? Yeah.

MOSS: I'll blow on it, okay?

Why you gonna blow on that?

Why you gonna blow on that?

'Cause it can help make you feel better.

Ezra, here's some corn.

Hello! Hello.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Are we going eat two cob on the corns?

Are we gonna eat two corn on the cobs? Yeah.

Well, first you're gonna eat one,

and then you eat the rest of your supper

and then you can eat another one.

EZRA: Why? MOSS: 'Cause that's how it works.

(CLANKING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

MOSS: There was a lot of people on the street that

wouldn't normally be on the street,

protesting for the first time,

and that's a beautiful thing.

It's like a momentary glimpse of what it could be like

when you can know your neighbors,

when we all march together.

MENUCK: "We've been going with Ezra to the park

"at the end of our street at 8:00 p.m. every night.

"I guess there's gonna be a whole generation of kids

"raised in this ridiculous, neglected jewel of a town

"who'll have fuzzy memories about the month they got to go to the park

"that one summertime,

"when all the grownups were making noise

"with pot lids and everyone was serious,

"but everyone was smiling too.

"There's so many teary moments in all of this.

"I'm crying all the time. I'm smiling all the time.

"I know it's going to end. I don't want it to end."

Whoo!

MOSS: I find inspiration

from activists, from people who work

to challenge and change.

MENUCK: I actually think I was a member of the last generation

that was promised a better future,

and I think successive generations have been

promised the opposite of that.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

MOSS: That last tour with Ezra went like a million times

better and smoother

than I was worried it would,

and it made... Made the whole thing seem more possible.

MENUCK: He's growing so quickly that it's different month by month.

He did great three months ago.

I don't know how he's going to do

four months from now.

But, for me, now that he's an older kid, you know,

he's able to express himself

and say what he needs

and that's just going to get more and better.

But that comes part and parcel with he has opinions too,

and he has fears, that's the biggest thing, you know?

You know?

He does talk a lot about wanting to go on tour right now, that's for sure.

Mmm-hmm.

He talks a lot about wanting to go to the doctor too, though.

If we have to figure out how to do it without him, then...

I mean, we're about to try.

And we're about to try an eight night...

He'll be on his own for eight nights.

Um, I feel like right now that's definitely the maximum

amount of days, do you agree?

Yeah.

If we had to stop touring with him,

but I don't want to do that, so...

But at the same time we can't afford to tour with him.

It's a real reality, you know.

We make a little bit of money, but not very much

because we have to pay for the nanny and we have to pay for the tour bus.

(SIGHS)

I mean, the tension of all this is being amplified 'cause there's

a microphone and a camera in here.

Of course.

Of course.

Of course I want to keep going. I just like, you know...

It gets into bigger issues, you know.

It just mostly gets into issues like

how do we keep getting by, you know?

And I feel like most of that falls on me.

Most of that worry falls on me.

But it definitely harshes my mellow in terms of, like,

"Oh, that's great, we did a tour with Ezra, it worked out great,"

you know.

It's like, "Yeah, it worked out great.

"We made a grand and a half each, you know."

That's not...

That's not a viable plan moving forward, you know.

Unless we allow for the grants

that we didn't apply for for ten years as a band until we...

I don't want to... I don't want to be...

I want to be a band that pays its own way, you know?

I don't want to take government money.

On top of that you can't count on it, you know?

On top of that there are bands who need it more, you know?

Like who?

I don't know them, that's why they need it more, you know?

I don't think it's a role of government to subsidize a failing band, you know?

That's how I feel. That's how I've always felt.

I think it would be suicide to keep doing it as a full time thing.

'Cause even with the grants it's not enough money, you know?

So...

We're still the luckiest band in the world.

I mean, we'll be fine.

(SIGHS)

There's a romantic part of me that thinks

that it's worth it

at whatever cost, you know?

But I know that that's not very practical.

But there are other bands who share those...

That's the point. We're just one of many, you know.

Like, that's okay.

If it all ended tomorrow it'd be okay, you know?

I mean, we're just another fucking band, you know.

So...

Except, on other days you say,

"We're the best band in the world!"

Yeah, but every band's got to go through life

thinking that, you know?

To keep going. Yeah.

Yeah.

MOSS: It was kind of a crash.

I had to accept the realization that

I can't pick up where I left off.

Will is not enough to make this stuff happen.

You can go... You can go all by yourself.

JOAN MOSS: Really?

I... I did it for...

Remember when we were playing, me, you and Oscar?

And I had to be the monster eating up the potatoes.

So you could be a little bit sad when Mommy and Daddy go away,

and then when they come back

do you have big, huge hugs for them? Eh?

So when you're a grownup, are you going to have to go to work sometimes?

And what will your little boy do?

EZRA: Going be sad.

He's going to be sad. But then...

Whoa, whoa... (JOAN LAUGHS)

I'm getting so tired.

* Sleepwalking, sleep talking

* When all she looks at you to see

* A faded page of memories

* Sleepwalking, sleep talking

* About you

* Sleepwalking, sleep talking *

* What do you do when you don't belong?

* You're in your corner

* What do you say when you're always wrong?

* Is it any wonder

* Day and night, it's night and day *

MOSS: Maybe we'll be lucky enough to have more opportunities

where we can tour for one week or ten days at a time. NADIA: Yeah.

Where we can just leave him with Mum, who's...

Oh, my God, without her, where would we be? Yeah.

So, I'm planning on looking for work in September. Mmm-hmm.

Um, well, I guess that's really soon.

'Cause that's where I'm at. 'Cause we're gonna be...

You know, Ezra and I are going to be home a lot.

He'll be in daycare, you know.

Who knows if I'll ever be able to not have a job again after now?

Yeah. Who knows?

You know, I didn't know I would be at this position at this age, but...

Like you thought you'd probably be in a career that made you money?

No, I don't know what I thought.

Actually, I don't know what I thought. I don't know.

I just sort of was just doing this band thing

and year after year it kept being the thing... Enough.

(CHILDREN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

What if it chews on something?

It's not going to. Cats aren't dumb.

Yeah, I'm so excited!

There's a good amount of fans out there that are gonna get really excited.

I think we should do a couple of fliggle wiggles.

Yeah.

BOY: Do the fliggle wiggle.

(SINGING)

It was really moving seeing you being in charge of them.

Oh, really? Like, Ezra definitely has

changed me in that I'm not shy around children anymore. Yeah.

(ALL CHEERING)

(SINGING)

It was good. Yeah, yeah.

So he got hassled, but we were okay.

JULIE DOIRON: I feel guilty about my path I took as a mother.

(SINGING)

I kept touring.

My husband at the time really, really encouraged me to keep touring.

He didn't want me to ever, like, resent...

He didn't want me to give up what I was doing,

'cause I was already a touring musician before I had kids.

In hindsight, I really wish that I had not kept touring.

I say that to people sometimes and they say,

"Well, you're crazy. You don't really wish that.

"Do you really wish that you had stopped music?"

And ultimately, like, I missed out on a lot of stuff

and you can't really...

I mean, I can't ever go back that way.

I often feel like I'm a fraud

because I feel like people have

sort of looked up to me for advice

or they see...

Like I know that people probably go, "Okay, well, Julie Doiron,

"she did have kids

"and she's still touring, like, she's doing it all

"and so can I."

It may look like an ideal situation,

but, like, I ruined my marriage,

and I lost custody of my children, and so I...

Yes, I have three amazing kids

who love me, and they know I'm their mom,

and now I have to tour way more because

I have all these other bills.

If I'm not on the road I don't have any money.

My kids tell me over and over, like,

"You're always going to be our mom.

"Like, we understand that you're gone."

But I constantly feel guilty about not being there.

Talking about this right now is making me feel amazing

and maybe I won't feel depressed for the next week.

That's great.

And I'm just realizing like maybe women should be getting...

Well, obviously women should be getting together way more often

to talk about all this stuff.

You need so much help to be able to continue to

have a... To have creative output

and to be a mother.

You can't focus 100% on your art

and also be a mother.

I don't actually think that's humanly possible

or physically possible. Right.

MOSS: The degree to which

privilege and circumstance

play in us being able to do what we do.

Childcare. Access to healthcare.

Most people in the world don't have that.

And it's only because of these things that I have this luxury

to take a step back

to consider trying to be a mother and a creative person.

I am overwhelmed by gratitude for that.

MENUCK: I don't live a healthy life and I want to live a long time

'cause I want to see my kid get older, you know?

I mean, I live the life of a musician

and it's not a healthy life.

People die in their fifties and sixties just from staying on the road.

That's a real thing.

All I do is tour and rehearse and worry about money.

In spite of all that, I love Ezra so much, I love Jessica so much.

I like who I am more than I ever have,

and I like being a father.

All that matters to me now is that Ezra stays happy

and that Jessica has as much time as she needs

to figure out what she wants to do.

Everything else is just noise.

* What we loved was not enough

* Even though we wanted to

* And this I learned and thus I gleaned

(SINGING)

* Kiss it quick and rise again *

MOSS: I don't know if I can start something new, you know what I mean?

To imagine starting something, like to conceive of

beginning is very daunting.

Like starting something artistically, we're sort of...

We're in that now, we're doing it, so that's one thing.

But you mean starting it like trying to get

to a place where we can have shows that don't lose money?

It's not open to us

to be a young band trying to make it.

It's just, even if we tried,

it's not a door that's open.

Nothing, no part of this culture is like,

"Older women artists, let's see what you got!"

I know.

Like zero, zero, zero part of this culture. Exactly.

All I want to do right now is play guitar,

which has come from us being together.

I know, it really has made me so happy.

It's been so fun.

MOSS: Everything in the world tells me it's bad to get old.

But every single one of us is doing it,

so how could that be bad?

Oh, my God!

(MOSS LAUGHING)

EZRA: I'm happy to see you.

MOSS: I'm so happy to see you!

We just came back to find you.

JOAN: Are you happy to see Mommy?

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(PLAYING HARMONICAS)

Why you closing your eyes?

When I really feel the music I close my eyes.

(BOTH VOCALIZING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

MOSS: You know what, I think it sounds okay if it's a little...

Screechy?

* Lord let my son live long enough

* To see that mountain torn down

* Lord

(SINGING)

* Let my son

* Live long enough

* To see that mountain torn down

* Lord

(PLAYING RECORDER)

(EZRA SPEAKING)

No, I don't.

(EZRA SPEAKING)

Yes, you do. Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh.

(PLAYING DRUM)

That's a really good beat, Ezra.

(EZRA SPEAKING)

That's it.

This is it. The end.