Original subtitles

Dex! Dex!

Hi, Dex.

Here he is. My favorite client.

- Bit mad out there. - Wait till tomorrow.

Everyone in the country's gonna want a piece of you.

See?

Did you sleep? Ah. Course you didn't.

Hell of a drug, adrenaline.

But you know, Dex, if you had slept, that would mean your body and your brain

hadn't grasped what a fuck-off opportunity this is.

- You're making me nervous. - Good.

- Dexter. - Hello, lovely.

- See you before the show. - Mwah. Mwah.

How you feeling, man?

- Raring to go.

Coffee, fizzy water, sushi. Just tell us whatever you need.

Cocaine, call girls.

Thanks, Martin.

Okay. Let's take a break.

- He's gonna get there. - Any idea what time?

We open in, uh, three hours. I'd say he's cutting it quite fine.

Sorry to interrupt, but, Ms. Morley, there's someone on the phone for you.

You can take it in the office.

Oh. Um...

Okay.

Hello?

Hello. I was wondering. Could you please tell me where is love?

Dexter, you can't just ring me at school. I thought something was wrong.

I came out of rehearsal.

Sorry. I was just calling to say good luck.

Yeah. Yeah, good luck to you too. And I'm sorry I can't be there.

Clash of showbiz moments.

I know, but I wish you were coming. It's so exciting, Em.

It all feels massive. People have sent me all this stuff.

You know, like champagne companies and... and vodka companies.

- There's just stuff everywhere. - You're squeaking.

Yeah. Well, if I can't squeak with you, who can I squeak with?

Look, I've really got to go.

It's the dress rehearsal, and the lead is just so irredeemably shit.

- No wonder they put him in an orphanage. - Harsh.

- But the girl...

The, uh... Oh. The band's nearly finished sound checking.

Uh, sorry, Em. Gotta boost.

- Oh. Uh... Um... - Have fun!

Oh. Mr. Godalming.

Everything okay?

Yeah. Yeah, landlord. Leaky boiler, but it's all sorted now.

Opening night.

Yeah. Well, I mean, there's only one performance,

so technically also closing night, which is a relief.

How you feeling?

Yeah, you know.

Like, this whole thing was the worst idea I've ever had in my entire life, but...

- Apart from that, hunky-dory. Thanks.

How's our Oliver? He looks very emotional.

Yeah, he's been in character for the last six weeks.

I think if he could, he'd have given himself rickets.

Well, if anyone can pull this off, then you can.

- The kids adore you.

You're a natural.

Fiona's keen to meet you.

Oh, you know, I'm looking forward to meeting her too.

- Is your fiancé coming? Is he your fiancé? - Oh God, no. Just boyfriend.

Right. It'll be nice to meet him at the aftershow drinks.

Yeah. Yeah. I've heard rumors of mini Kievs.

And a single bottle of warm white wine between 60.

- Teaching. - Oh, and people say it's not glamorous.

Unlike you.

I mean, you look glamorous... tonight.

Oh.

Do I?

Ta very much.

I mean, you look beautiful.

- Er... - What?

Is that okay that I just said you look nice?

Yes. Yes, of course. Why wouldn't it be?

Right.

See you... after.

Yeah, see you.

Yeah. Nice.

- Hey, man. Dexter. - Hey, Dexter. I'm Kyle.

You guys sounded great.

Can't wait to see you kick it live later.

Yeah.

Cool.

Cool.

Nice blokes.

Yeah.

Decca have put a fortune into them.

Blokes. Blokes. Do people still say "blokes"?

That sounds weird suddenly.

Uh, blokes. Guys.

Yeah, it's maybe a bit weird.

Sorry, Dexter. Hair and makeup are ready for you.

No worries. No problem. I'm just gonna grab my script.

Two hours till showtime.

You have one new message.

Uh, Dexter.

This is your father here. I hope they've put me through to the right room.

I seem to have spoken to everyone in the building but you.

Um, it's just to say good luck tonight.

I will be watching.

It's all very exciting.

Uh, that's all I wanted to say.

Uh, ah, except also, I... I don't know if you're still reading reviews,

or... or whatever they're called,

but remember these people have no idea who you are.

So just... enjoy it.

Goodbye.

Dexter to hair and makeup, please.

- Hey, Dex. - Hi.

- Hi, Dex. - Hello, Dexy.

- Mwah. Mwah. - Mwah.

- I'm glad it's you. - I'm glad it's you.

And I'll have another one of those, thank you.

Hey, um, Donna, have you got a... a newspaper?

Do you know, we didn't get them today.

Now,

what are we gonna do with you when you are perfect already?

Right. Great work, everyone.

Great work, Sonya.

I'll see you all in the Home Ec rooms at six and no later.

And no disappearing to the shop before the performance.

And absolutely no costumes to be worn off premises.

Miss Morley?

- Hello.

What are you doing here? It... it doesn't start for ages.

I thought you might need something to eat before the big night.

Thank you.

That's really sweet.

Of course.

Table for two, madam.

I'm a bit skint, so... it's just jam, I'm afraid.

- I love a jam sandwich. - So did Bob Marley.

He liked anything with jam in.

- Didn't even plan that one. - Mm.

Well, it's gonna be awful, Ian.

Why would it be awful? Hmm?

Today Walthamstow, tomorrow the West End.

Tea?

Thanks.

One hour till live. Lighting to stage B, please.

Golden boy.

- Just you enjoy yourself, darling. - Thanks, Donna.

No. Don't come near me and ruin all my good work.

Now, you go out there and knock their socks off.

"castings from everyone's new best mate,

Steve Rob's from the Birmingham local pub."

- Dexy. - Toby, what do you want?

Ah. I'm looking for the most odious man on television.

Yeah. I think you'll find that's you who you're looking for, not me.

Razor-sharp comeback there, Dex.

You seen the papers?

One bad write-up. Not bothered.

So you didn't read The Sun, then?

Or The Express? Or The Times?

No one ever built a statue of a critic, Toby.

True, but no one ever built a statue of a TV presenter either.

How about a, uh, warm-up guy? Hmm?

I'm just messing with you, big man.

It's tomorrow's chip paper, and all of that.

Good thing the girls love you.

Can you go now, Toby?

I'll leave you to it.

Well, let you get back to those lines.

See you, Dex.

Good luck.

Fucker!

Dex, stop. Take whatever you're reading

and put it in the bin.

Ugh! Stupid critics.

I thought it was live.

How could they review it if it hasn't happened?

They're not. They're trashing me.

Why aren't you here?

I need you here.

'Cause it's curtain up in under an hour.

- Come after. I'll send a car. - I can't.

There's a thing in the hall after. I've got to meet the parents.

- Isn't Callum coming? - Uh, I didn't invite him.

I really only want you.

Dex, it really doesn't feel possible tonight.

Em, please.

Please.

Bring Ian, of course.

Look, if I can, I will, okay?

Amazing. Thanks.

Okay, I need to go. But listen, Dex, okay?

These papers, fuck them. And fuck whoever wrote them.

I mean, I know how annoying you can be,

but they... They have no idea.

None.

You're funny.

And charming. And lovely.

And you're gonna be exceptional.

So again, fuck them. All right?

Thanks, Em.

And I'll hopefully see you later.

Okay?

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen.

We've got an hour of live entertainment ahead.

We've got...

Before you go out...

get in!

Dex!

Whoo!

- How are we? Shitting bricks? - Uh...

A bit. Not too bad, you know.

Hey, can you see my nipples?

- Only if I look for them.

Good one. Oh, I'm so excited!

We are gonna go out there, and we're gonna have a laugh,

and we're gonna smash it.

And then we're gonna get absolutely fucked.

Ah.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes!

- Miss. - What?

It's Sonya, Miss. You need to come.

Sonya?

Sonya, your show's about to start.

I'm not doing it. Do it without me.

Sonya.

- Oh God! - Sonya, what's wrong?

There's just so many people.

- No, there's not. Not really.

I don't know why I thought I could do this.

I can't sing. I... I can't dance.

I'm... I'm just not good enough, miss.

Okay. You got it 'cause you're good.

You're really, properly good.

There she is.

Now, when you step out there, I promise you're gonna find

that you've got everything you need.

'Cause it's all...

It's all in there.

It's just waiting to...

So come on.

"Coming at you tonight, live from London."

- We're ready for you. - Gavin!

I'm so excited, Gavin!

- It is Gavin, isn't it? - Yeah.

Oh. I love this, Gavin. Hmm?

All right.

Let's have a good time.

Whoo-hoo!

Oy, come on.

All crew to positions, please.

Yeah.

Go on, Dex.

Sorry, mate.

Good luck, Dex.

- Fuck's sake. - This time tomorrow. Just you wait.

Donna, babes!

I'm so excited!

How long have you guys been together?

Two years? Wow. That's incredible.

Hello, it's one minute till we go live, everyone.

When our floor manager puts his hands up, it's applause time.

Follow me, please.

Going live in 30 seconds.

Stand by, band.

Get Toby off now.

Going live in 20 seconds.

Ten...

So please welcome to the stage your hosts tonight.

The gorgeous Suki Meadows.

And suaver than suave, it's Dexter Mayhew!

Live from London, this is the UK's smashing new show.

So before you go out, get in!

Oh my gosh, how are you? You all look amazing!

Dex!

Are you ready to have a good time, everybody?

I'm Suki Meadows, and this is Dexter Mayhew.

Hello, are you all right?

- You feeling all right? - Wanker!

My agent, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh yes. Welcome to Get In!

A feast of great comedy and great music.

But before all that, we've got a special treat for you.

- And roll VT. - Stand by, VT.

Okay, not a bad start, but, Dex, let's keep the energy up.

Thirty seconds everyone.

Are you okay, hon?

- Going live in 15, 14... - Ah...

Suki. Suki.

- Yeah? What? - Suki, that's my bottle.

That's my water.

- You've got yours in your hand. - No, that's mine. This is yours.

- Yeah. Just wipe that one, you weirdo. - No, Suki.

- Suki. - Five, four...

Uh, Dexter, take over the intro, please.

Camera one, Dexter. Camera one. We've got dead air.

Come on. Red light, over here.

Say something, Dexter. Dexter!

- Engage your brain! - The most odious man on television.

Read the autocue.

- Fucking hell, someone say something now. - Jesus Christ!

That is proof we're going out live!

Camera four on Suki.

Oh yeah!

What the hell was that, Dex?

My mom's out there, you're spiking my drink.

Okay, we're back.

Right. Cut to VT. Suki link to VT.

And now, while I bollock him, you watch this.

Three minutes, everyone.

Suki.

- What happened there, Suki? - Something just went down the wrong way.

And, Dex, sort yourself out, mate.

Oh!

Come on, everyone!

Oh, wonderful! Oh!

- Let's go get her. - That was good. I loved it. Yes!

- Go on, Emma. - Go on, Emma.

Miss, come on.

Bravo!

Hey there.

Great work, D.

Thanks. Was it... Was it okay?

Yeah, it was live, you know.

It was... It was freewheeling and live.

Yeah. I mean, I've got notes, obviously, but...

Uh, yeah? What... what kind of notes?

Tomorrow. Talk tomorrow.

Ian.

Oh, they're beautiful.

Not from me.

Who, then?

Flash Harry, probably.

Inevitably.

"Em, who will buy my sweet red roses? Wink, wink."

"So sorry to miss it. I know it'll be a smash. Dex."

Welcome to Get In!

A feast of great comedy...

Are you coming to watch?

Thank you, no.

We've got a great night ahead of us!

Can I borrow a T-shirt?

A special treat for you.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, of course.

Oh, hello.

Is she throwing up?

Find your camera, Dex.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ...

This is awful.

- He looks terrified.

- Majestically bad. - Ian.

And now, while I bollock...

I think it's meant to be like this.

Yes, it's car-crash TV.

Car crash?

This is full-on train derailment.

He's worse than me.

Night.

You know what to do.

Hi, Dex.

I didn't think you'd be home.

Probably out partying after tonight. And no wonder.

Letting off steam after an hour of live television.

Well, thank you for the flowers. Yeah, they're beautiful.

And sorry again that I wasn't there.

I hope tonight was everything you wanted it to be.

Your mom would've been really proud of you.