Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

[all] ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

[Lois humming]

Wow, someone seems happy today.

Damn right. Today's the big day.

You're getting off parole?

Does this mean I can finally stop giving you my pee?

Not yet, so stay off drugs and keep that hose flowing.

[Chris groans]

Tonight is girls' night.

Women's night. You're all in your 40s.

We're going to an "I love the '90s" concert.

I cannot wait to mumble the rap lyrics I'm not supposed to say.

Hey, chief. Cooking up a little hijinks there?

Yeah, me and the guys are gonna make nonconsensual prank videos

by dumping marbles at the park.

It'll be hilarious, once we edit out the ambulances.

Just make sure you're back by 5:00.

You need to watch Stewie while I'm out with the girls.

-Women. -I'll be back, don't worry.

Don't blow this, fat man.

You're already on thin ice since you crashed that airplane into my cheek.

Open wide, here comes the airplane.

[screaming]

We're all gonna die!

Sir, please remain calm and stay soggy.

Hail Mary full of grain, Buzz Bee is with thee.

[screaming]

[explosion]

Wake up, Cheerio Army.

General Mills is lying to you.

The cheek crash did not happen.

There's no proof of purchase, plus, oat milk can't melt steel spoons.

You know what's crazy? There were no Jewi-O's

in the mouth that day.

I'm not sayin' but I'm just sayin'.

Where the hell is Peter? He was supposed to be here

to watch Stewie two hours ago.

Yeah poor kid feels so let down, he started auditioning new dads.

Hi. I'm here to audition to be your dad.

Oh, this isn't for the role of my dad, it's for the role of my "daddy".

[Chris muffled through door] Stewie, Mom couldn't get

the poo stains out of your Moana onesie.

She says she's gonna wash it again.

Shut up! I'm trying to create a vibe here.

[cell phone chimes]

Oh, damn it I'm missing the moment of silence

for Kurt Cobain and the other Manilli.

-I can explain. -Don't bother.

You should see the other guys.

Yeah, it was a pretty weird night.

I got wind!

-Peter stuck in ice again? -Yeah.

Uh-uh, I said no boobie bills.

Nipples all mushed up on Ben Franklin.

And that's exactly why I invented eyeglasses.

Oh, I can't believe Peter ruined my whole evening.

Did Sir Mix-A-Lot go on yet?

Yeah, but he's already burned through his hits,

so now he's doing an awful "Baby Got Back" remix about knees.

♪ I like thick knees When they bend real high ♪

♪ Some brothas wanna 1love that thigh ♪

♪ When a girl walks in better show me them shins ♪

♪ And bend, lookin' like the letter "N," I get chub. ♪

[lively chatter]

Ah, it's so nice to hang at our regular bar

that everyone is familiar with.

What's with the schlubby white boys with notebooks in here?

Looking like Josh Gad's stenographer.

Oh, no, tonight's open mic night.

These comics are always so hacky.

Then I said, "I want the booty, and I ain't talking about doubloons."

[Seamus coughs]

Ah, you look like a good crowd.

Any spice merchants here tonight?

-I'm a lawyer. -Of the high seas?

I handle zoning disputes.

Then I got nothing.

-[cellphone chimes] -[groans] It's Peter again.

He's been texting me all night.

He's so helpless when I'm not around.

Hey, could you put your phone away? My parents are here tonight.

Rory gave us grandchildren. Seamus gives us this.

Well, maybe if you were actually funny, I'd listen.

Your Davy Jones' Locker bit, thar she blows.

[crowd] Ooh!

If you think it's easy, you should put your treasure

-where your mouth is and go next. -No, no, I'm not a comedian.

I-I could never.

Oh my gosh, you should do it, Lois.

You think so?

Yes, and not just because you're sneezing and coughing

and I don't want you next to me.

I don't know, you really think I'd be good at--

[coughing]

Just go!

Hey... [laughs, snorts]

I don't really know what to talk about up here.

Um, frankly, my whole life is dealing with my idiot husband, Peter.

I had to chisel his fat ass out of ice today.

Yeah, who knew a one-inch nub could shrink?

-[laughter] -That is so true.

You don't have a man, how would you know?

When my roommate falls asleep, I crank pornos.

Most couples have an active sex life.

Peter has an Activia sex life.

-[laughter] -Yeah, my husband and I,

we enjoyed 20 happy years.

-Then we met. -[laughter]

Ladies, show of hands. Huh?

How many of you have ever faked an orgasm?

Okay, now how many of you have ever faked penetration?

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Whew, I need a drink.

Hey, I just want to say I think you're great.

Look, pal, I know nothing is hotter to a guy

than a woman who's funnier than them, but I'm taken.

I know, I heard your set.

Those dumb husband jokes crushed.

Oh, God, it was such a rush up there.

Like when you're driving without your seat belt

and the bell keeps dinging to put it on,

but you just keep going because it's a short trip.

Hey, I run a bunch of comedy clubs around the city,

and we're always looking for new talent. You interested?

Oh! [laughing]

Well, yeah, of course.

Great. Hopefully you can come up

with more material about that husband of yours.

I don't know, I mean, I probably shouldn't slam my husband

like that on a regular basis.

Oh, there you are. Quick update.

I found the mayo, but it was in a red bottle

and they misspelled it "Drano."

Everyone's outside in an ambulance when you're ready.

[laughs]

Hey, Lois, you busy? I thought we could go

and make hammocks for squirrels with your bras again.

They really dug it last time.

Peter's a weird guy, but I like him.

Dude cares about rodent comfort.

That's just a fact.

Sorry, I have plans.

Fine, I'll go alone, but I'm taking your tampons

to make speed bumps for snakes.

Hey, did you notice Lois has "had plans" a lot lately?

Yeah, something's definitely up.

Last night there was adrenaline in her breastmilk.

She's been rushing through all her housework.

Ew, is that what I sound like with book stuff?

-'Fraid so, Bri. -Oh, God.

Oh, I got a tag for that.

After "God," you should say,

"If it's the Last Supper, then there better be dessert."

-I don't get it. -Yeah, it's pretty heady.

Hey, I'd love to keep talking bits,

but I need to go listen to my set

to see if my voice sounds as shrill as that incel Reddit page says.

It must be hard knowing that Lois achieved her dream so fast,

while your writing career has gone nowhere.

I'll have you know that my book was recently picked up...

on garbage day.

Lois was cleaning out the garage.

Face it, she's lapping you, bro.

Her new name is "Ois," 'cause you took the "L".

Boom! Mark it on the burn board.

-[bell dings] -[slurping]

Get it together, Chrissy.

You can burn with the big boys. You're the golden child.

Okay, here goes.

You're a dog that does people things.

Rachel, come on, you know me.

I went to your sister's wedding.

Stewie?

I told you not to send your kid to private school.

You're never gonna believe this--

The tennis ball is still in your hand when you fake a throw?

You're right, I don't believe it.

No. I'm getting a NETCCF special.

-You mean "Netflix"? -No, NETCCF.

The New England Theater Conference Comedy Festival.

It's the biggest mid-Atlantic regional comedy event

in the greater Rhode Island area.

They're gonna run my special on Channel 385.

And-and that's... good?

It'll be on after the City Council meeting where the camera drifts slowly to the left

until it's fully facing the wall, so you tell me.

Oh! If it goes well, they might even sell the special to Fupi.

-I-- Is that an Asian dish? -It's a streamer.

Any two nonsense syllables are a streamer.

-Ah-choo. -Oh, I love their shows.

Break out the Kleenex.

Congrats, Lois.

This special sounds like a really big deal. Do you feel ready?

Uh, actually, no.

It tapes next week, and they want a whole hour.

I'm gonna need way more material.

Who knows, maybe you'll get lucky

and Peter will screw up more than usual this week.

Hmm. Screw up more than usual...

-Next round's on me, boys. -Geez, Peter,

you're throwing around some serious coin tonight.

Usually, you buy one drink for the table

and put four straws in, so we'd drink it together

like in an Archie comic.

Lois gave me a bunch of cash to get as drunk as I want

and just do whatever pops into my head.

Wait, those belonged to a man?

Well, now I feel like the boob.

[woman singing]

I did.

Peter, you need to see what Bonnie just posted on Facebook.

More bikini shots already? I'm still working through the last batch.

-Emphasis on batch. -Giggity.

He's so dumb he hit his head

trying to dive into his ocean screensaver.

I didn't know Lois was doing comedy, but that's hilarious.

This guy she's talking about sounds like a real dope.

[laughs] He couldn't satisfy his wife on their wedding night.

Huh, she just held up a picture of me.

Probably to show what the cuck doesn't look like.

How do we break it to him?

Well, he's not getting it verbally, so we're gonna have to do ASL.

Hey, Peter...

How dare you, Lois!

You have made a complete fool out of me.

And after I worked my fingers to the bone

-renovating our bathroom. -About that,

why did you mount the toilet on the ceiling?

The blueprints were upside down.

See? This is what I'm talking about.

Your whole life is a joke. Excuse me for noticing.

For God's sake, you were the first video on 2017's Epic Rope Swing Fails.

You think Harry Potter was based on a true story.

Don't twist my words. I said, "There are probably wizard schools."

Look, Peter, for years I've had to put a good face on

while you act like an ignorant, impulsive child.

And it is exhausting!

I finally found a way to turn my pain into art,

and nothing is gonna stop me

because Lois C.K. is standing in the doorway of comedy,

and you're gonna watch me until I erupt... with jokes.

We'll see how funny you are

when you don't have this idiot to make fun of anymore.

Good morrow, family.

Christopher. Stewart. Megan. Dogglas. Loisabeth.

Hmm...

In a right triangle, the sine of a given angle

is equal to the ratio of the side opposite that angle to the hypotenuse.

And a hypotenuse is not a math hippo.

So you lied to me?

I-I just always wanted a family,

and I thought that this could be my way in.

Is that even your visor?

I stole it off a blackjack dealer.

He didn't chase me because it was too sad.

-And how are your studies? -Oh, I'm all automotive now.

I spend my days under a Dodge Charger and evenings in the back seat.

Always a pleasure chatting with you.

-I saved the comics for you, Dad. -No, thank you.

Today I'll be reading the funny business section.

"Lasagna Futures Tumble in Worst Monday Ever."

I warned him to diversify into other noodles.

Could you pass the Fiber One?

They should call it Fiber Two,

because of what it makes you do, right, Dad?

Christopher! To your room, this instant.

Okay, what is going on with you today?

What is going on is I will no longer be your fool.

If you'll excuse me, a man from Craigslist is here

to buy my box of shenanigans.

Whatever this is, it won't last. Buffoonery is in your blood.

Why, aorta...

Seven brave astronauts lost their lives that day, Lois.

That's the opposite of silly.

Okay, we caught the escaped giraffe,

but who's gonna ride him back to the zoo?

Oh, what do you say, Peter?

Would you rather ride the giraffe, or take our sensible family car?

[starts engine]

[tires screeching]

Bring me to the park, I want to dunk.

He'll never be able to keep it up.

He's kept it up.

My stand-up special is next week and I am desperate for material.

Peter's given me squat. He is drier than a Triscuit.

[cell phone rings, chimes]

Hey, how do I delete Grown Ups 3 off the DVR

to make room for Ken Burns' Dust Bowl?

I don't want to miss the episode on Okie migration.

He's been like this all week.

Last night, he gave his whoopie cushion a Viking funeral.

[extended farting sound]

Maybe you need to broaden out your topics.

The audience just wants to hear about your life.

Y-you're right, Bon.

A good stand-up can make anything funny.

I'm gonna start right now.

This is really great, women supporting women.

I couldn't agree more.

Us ladies need to stick together.

Absolutely. We can't let petty differences divide us.

Five minutes, Missus G.

I told you to stop peeking your head in

and just fully enter.

Sorry, Missus G. I'm self-conscious about my legs.

-Hey, is dad coming tonight? -Oh, I don't think so.

He's being a little bitch about my jokes about him being a little bitch.

Time to go live on Instagram to service my fans.

Wha-wha-what up, Lois hive.

I'm about to tape my first special.

Thanks to all my Lo-Hoes out there for supporting your girl.

[kisses] We out here.

Am I using that right, Meg?

[Meg] I don't know, I'm a dork, too.

Okay, this is a sponsored post,

so I'd like to give a shout-out thank you

to Dr. Violet's Feminine De-Musting Powder.

When you're musty, it's a must.

[announcer] Now, give it up for the Husband Slayer: Lois C.K.

-[cheering] -How you feeling tonight, Quahog?

Ha-ha! Let's get right into it.

So, the other day, Peter sits me down...

Ooh, here it comes, I bet she's about to say

something derogatory about his genitals.

She's also clever about his obesity.

My father died this morning, but I bought the tickets before that.

No, he wanted to review this year's tax code

to look for additional deductions.

Well, how about deducting all those receipts

from my kitchen table?

Ya too messy!

These are theater chairs, they're not supposed to swivel.

Huh, weird.

-Did you break our chair? -I improved your chair.

Actually, my whole street is full of weirdos.

So my crippled neighbor, he's a real jerk.

He's so handicapped, he gets to park inside the bank.

Ya too messy!

[man coughs]

Huh. Is this thing on?

Oh, I'm on, honey. They can hear youse just fine.

Okay, you're gonna love this one.

So there's this predator next door

that we still hang out with even though he hurts women.

[laughs] I-I'm still working on the punchline for that one.

-Ginger bitch. -Married a loser 'cause she's a loser.

[man 2] My dad died during knee surgery.

Please, stop. Look, I-I just want to make you laugh.

Well, we don't like your jokes,

and Will Smith said we're allowed to hit comics.

[clamoring]

Whoa, hey, hey, guys, I just wanted her to bomb, but not this.

This is what bombing is now. Beatings are the new boos.

Look, I-I know you've all had or will have

two drinks at minimum, but please, calm down.

-Hey, you gonna huck that? -I'm still working on it.

Aw.

-What's with the flimsy cans? -We drink hard seltzer now.

Ugh, at least go get beer bottles to throw like a respectable rioter.

Oh, my God, Peter.

All this time, I was belittling you,

but you did what I wasn't willing to do for you:

protect my spouse from public ridicule when--

Crap, we only got eight seconds left in tonight's episode.

You don't have to be smart for me or serious.

I married you for who you are, a good husband.

And I married you 'cause you did mouth stuff in the car.

but overall, that's not really who you are.

Hey, I'm-I'm sorry for ruining your special, Lois.

Oh, that's okay, it all worked out.

They actually ended up giving it to Joe instead.

Boy, I'm glad I'm not a cop in DC, I'd be writing tickets for gridlock.

You know what DC stands for? "Dumb Congress."

Hey, three congressmen walked into a bar.

Nothing happened.

You know, you don't have to clap after every joke.

I'd prefer if you laughed.

Stop that!

[♪ hip-hop music playing, Sir Mix-A-Lot "Lady Kneecaps"]

♪ I like thick knees when they bend real high ♪

♪ Some brothas wanna love that thigh ♪

♪ When a girl walks in better show me them shins ♪

♪ And bend, lookin' like the letter "N" I get chub ♪

♪ I like 'em hard and bony Not prosthetic and phony ♪

♪ Much love to the honeys with glamour ♪

♪ Knees be knocking like a ball-peen hammer ♪

♪ I don't want them foot bones Elbows and shoulders making arms fold ♪

♪ I wanna see meniscus Without knees can't be my missus ♪

♪ So hike up dem pants legs ♪

♪ Cuff 'em, baby, show me dem pegs ♪

♪ I'm talking femur and tibia ♪

♪ Jeopardy, baby, knee trivia ♪

[laughs]

♪ Lady kneecaps ♪

[tires screeching]