All language subtitles for Diga.Meu.Nome.2020.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

(child laughs)

(dramatic music)

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

(light hearted music)

- [Woman] Oh, my God.

Say something.

- [Man] What, what should I say?

- [Woman] Anything.

I just, I just need
to hear your accent.

- [Man] Well, technically,

if you're the tourist,
then you're the one with...

- [Woman] Oh, my God, shut up.

Don't move.

Uh-huh.

Don't move.

No.

Grab me!

- All right, okay.

- [Woman] Just like that.

Now turn me over.

Oh, Statton.

- Oh, baby.

- [Woman] Statton.

- [Statton] Oh,
baby, baby, baby.

- [Woman] Say my name.

Say my name.

- Anne?

- [Woman] What?

- Anne?

- You don't know my name.

- I'm, I'm sorry.

I'm bad with names.

- Well, don't you think
you should at least try

to remember the name
of the person, I did.

- I did try.

I did a mnemonic.

- What?

- I read a book which taught
you how to remember names,

and one way is to think of
someone with the same name,

and my sister's name
is Anne-Marie, so...

- You were thinking of your
sister when we were screwing?

- No, no, no.

When we first met.

My sister's name is Anne-Marie,
so I used her as a mnemonic.

So I knew it was
either Anne or Marie,

I just couldn't remember which.

And I was too
embarrassed to ask again,

'cause we were already, you
know, kissing by then, so.

Well, I'm guessing it's Marie.

- It's Mary.

- Oh.

Sorry, I must have misheard.

That bar was so noisy.

- You heard me offer
to go to bed with you.

- Well, if I'd heard you
say your name was Mary,

it would have been no problem.

My dog's called Mary.

I could have pictured her.

- Oh, my fuck.

- Oh, no, no.

- God!

- I'm not saying that you
remind me of a dog or anything.

I was just...

- You were just saying
that to remember my name,

you had to bring your
sister, your dog,

and your grandmother
into bed with us.

Well, I remember your name.

It's Statton.

Statton Taylor.

- That's 'cause it's unusual.

The, the book says it's easy
to remember unusual names.

Plus, people tend to picture
the Staten Island ferry.

- So what?

I should change my
name to Eiffel Tower

to make things easier for you?

- No, no.

I'm just saying you
probably visualized

the Staten Island ferry
without realizing it.

- No, I didn't.

I was just interested enough in

who I was sleeping with
to remember his name.

- So, did you know
you were going

to sleep with me when I
first introduced myself?

- You always know.

I've never been surprised to
find myself in bed with anyone.

Have you?

- Frequently.

I'm always surprised that
anyone wants to sleep with me.

- Frequently?

How often do you do this?

- Oh, hardly ever.

That's a lie.

Never ever.

I never have one-night stands.

- Well, you're definitely
not completing this one.

- Stay right where you are.

- Do you like cop shows?

Huh?

Go to the movies?

Then you're both over-qualified
to survive this episode.

- We're here for your stuff.

- Yeah, we like shiny stuff.

- Jewelry, laptops, phones.

- [Man] Watches, credit
cards, small change.

- My friend here will
take your things.

I will remove your jewelry.

- Now from the conversation
we've just overheard, Statton,

you, you'd like to
impress this lady, eh?

Am I right?

- And even I know
her name is Mary.

- Not that.

- Bravery will be rewarded
with a hole in the head.

- And cooperation will
be rewarded with a smile.

- Just think of your online
status, Statton Taylor.

Survived being
robbed at gunpoint.

- Thumbs up, Mary.

Like, like, like,
like, like, like, like.

Would you get off
the bed, please?

Come on, on with it!

(gun firing)

Oh, schiesse.

- You fucking shot me.

Why'd you fucking shoot me?

- Well, you started it.

- There was somebody
in the wardrobe.

- It's a fucking
mirror, you Magoo.

You saw his reflection.

- [Man] Yeah, well, who the
fuck were you shooting at?

- I thought there was
someone shooting behind me,

which there was!

Only I didn't know it
was my fucking sidekick.

- If anyone's a fucking
sidekick, okay, it is you.

You're a fucking sidekick.

- Well, I'm not the one with
a fucking bullet in my leg.

- Fuck you.

Whose room is this?

Which one of you booked?

- It's mine, it's mine.

- Yeah?

You get up, okay?

Okay, call the front desk
and say you've just been,

you've just been
disturbed by the bangs

that you heard
down the corridor.

- What the fuck?

- You always have to alert
the authorities, okay?

Alert the authorities and
they'll never suspect you.

- Do it.

- All right.

Okay, okay, okay, Okay.

Hello.

My name's Statton Taylor.

I'm in room, uh.

- Keep it natural,
keep it natural.

- 304.

Um, I just heard two loud shots.

- Bangs!

- Bangs, bangs!

Uh, uh, they might
have not been shots.

It could have been anything.

- Tell them that you
need your sleep, okay?

You don't want to be disturbed

and you've got a
thing in the morning.

- I don't want to be disturbed.

I got a thing in the morning.

- Early!

- An early work, I have
early work in the morning.

Okay, yes, please
don't disturb me.

- Come on, come on, come on.

- Okay, thank you very much.

Thank you.

Okay, bye.

- What did he say?

- He said they heard it.

- And?

- They're looking into it.

- Right, we need to go.

- No, no, no, no, no.

I can't go through reception
dripping with blood.

They're looking for
a guy with a gun,

and I got a fucking
hole in my leg.

- Right, what do
you want me to do?

- I just want you to watch
me bleed to death, okay?

Just go.

Just get somebody, okay?

- Well, I cannot call a
fucking ambulance, can I?

- No, no, Will, Will's brother,

okay, is a doctor, all right?

- He's fucking 12!

- His older brother.

- Right, okay.

Keep your fucking leg on.

Take that, right?

In case I get searched
on my way out.

Keep one trained on each
of their fucking heads.

- Um, um, um, look...

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Don't.

- Look, um, I know you don't
care, but that pendant,

I really need it.

It was my mother's.

It's, it's of great
sentimental value to me.

- Oh, well, um, okay.

Money is of great
sentimental value to me,

and I know a man who
will give me cash.

- God fucking damn it.

- Can I get dressed, please?

- Slowly.

- Can I get dressed?

- Do you have to?

Mary, can you bring
that sheet over, please?

Can you tie it around my leg?

Thank you, Mary,
thank you, Mary.

Thank you very much.

Whose credit cards are these?

- They're mine.

- Says Carol.

Carol Page.

I think if there's one thing
we've all learned tonight,

is that your name
is definitely Mary.

Are these stolen credit cards?

'Cause I do not want
stolen credit cards.

- They're not stolen.

Carol's my real name.

- You gave me a fake name?

- Whatevs, it was
a one-night stand.

I gave you a fake
phone number as well.

- Then why were you so upset
that I didn't call you Marie?

- Mary!

- Mary, for fuck's sake.

- It doesn't matter!

It's not even her real name!

- It was the name that I
told you, so, you know,

it's still rude of you
to not remember it.

- Well, why did you
want to hear me say it

if it's not even your name?

- 'Cause I knew
you'd forgotten it.

I could tell by the
way you kept saying,

oh, baby, baby, baby.

- So you were testing
me during sex?

That's entrapment, that is nice.

- Remembering the fake name

I gave you is the
minimum requirement.

And, anyway, it's
sort of my name.

- Sort of?

How can it be sort of your name?

- It was my name
when I was a nun.

- You were a nun?

- I was a novice for, like,
two years when I was young.

I was Sister Mary Catherine.

- You wanted him to call you by

your nun name while you did it?

Well, that's hot.

- Not because of that, no.

Do you mind?

This is private.

- Yeah.

I'm feeling a bit
like a fifth wheel.

You want me to go?

Have you still got the habit?

- Oh, come on.

- Oh, my God.

(man chuckles)

- Do you still have the habit?

- Not on me, no.

- Of course.

Sorry, sorry.

So, uh, you're a Catholic
boy, too, then, eh?

- Yeah.

- Do you go to St. Godfrey's?

I feel like I recognize you.

- I just got one of those faces.

What are the chances, eh?

Three strangers,
all of us Catholic.

- I'm not.

- You were a nun.

- How can you be a nun
and not be Catholic?

- It's one of those
questions they never ask.

They just assume if you
sign up to be a nun,

you know, must be Catholic.

- Always go to the authorities

and they never suspect a thing.

- Does that always work?

- No.

- Yes.

I learned it when I went
to London when I was 19.

- What, like in crime training?

- No, going to the opera.

- The opera?

- Well, don't
stereotype me, mate.

- I wasn't.

- Not everyone with
a gun is uncultured.

- Carry on the story.

I want to hear.

- When I first went
to London, okay,

I was, uh, training
to be an opera singer.

And, uh, we used to
go to the interval,

and, uh, no one would
check the tickets,

so we'd just jump
in a spare seat.

This one time, I went
with my mate Callum,

and they were sold out and
I was about to do a runner,

and he went up to this usher,
who was a beautiful girl.

And he said to her,

have I got time to go to
the toilet before it starts?

She says, you can
go to the toilet,

but I'll have to put
you in a private box.

So, uh, we watched
the second half

of Tosca in a private
box like kings.

- Amazing.

- And after the opera,
Callum shagged the usher.

It was a beautiful night.

- That's lovely.

- So, you're an opera singer?

What happened?

- Oh, it's a very
competitive field, you know?

You gotta be really
good to progress and.

This is an opportunity
for some fast cash.

And then one thing led
to a hole in the leg.

- What was your biggest part?

- Pirate King of
Pirates of Penzance.

- Wow.

- Just a tour.

Just a tour, but
mainly to tourists.

- It's impressive.

- Mm-hmm.

- Could you sing
something for us?

- Yeah.

- It might take your
mind off your leg.

- No.

- Oh, go on.

Please.

- No, I couldn't.

- Oh, it's a non-smoking room.

- I need to do something
for my pain, mate.

- Can I have one then?

- It's a non-smoking room.

- We won't tell if you won't.

- Yeah, Statton, live a little.

♪ I am the Pirate King ♪

♪ And it is, it is
a glorious thing ♪

♪ To be the Pirate King ♪

♪ Oh, better far
to live and die ♪

♪ Under the brave
black flag I fly ♪

♪ Than play a
sanctimonious part ♪

♪ With a pirate head
and a pirate heart ♪

♪ I'll be true to
the song I sing ♪

♪ And live and die ♪

♪ A Pirate King ♪

♪ For I am the Pirate King ♪

♪ Hurrah, hurrah,
for the Pirate King ♪

♪ It is, it is a
glorious thing ♪

♪ To be a Pirate King ♪

♪ It is, hurrah for
the Pirate King ♪

♪ Hurrah ♪

♪ The Pirate King ♪

(fire alarm beeping)

- Fuck.

(gun firing)

- Oh, fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

(door knocks)

- [Man] Mr. Taylor?

It's the hotel duty manager.

- Get rid of him.

- How?

- Answer the door and say
you were disturbed by a shot.

- A shot or a bang?

- Bang, okay?

Okay, no funny business,
'cause remember, get on there.

Remember, I've got a gun pointed

at your girlfriend's head, mate.

- [Carol] Girlfriend?

- [Man] Mr. Taylor?

Mr. Taylor?

- Fuck it!

I'll go, I'll go.

I'll go, I'll go, I'll go.

What's going on, huh?

I was just woken up by an
alarm and then a shot, bang.

Whatever.

And now you're
thumping on my door.

- Sorry, Mr. Taylor.

We had a complaint about,
uh, some kind of singing

coming from your room.

- That was next door.

I was gonna complain
about that, too.

- Okay, I'm going for his gun.

He's wounded.

We can overpower him.

- No, no, he'll kill us.

- He might kill us anyway.

Come on.

- I got an ace up my sleeve.

I've remembered where
I know him from.

- What, where?

- His name's Kipper.

- Oh, his name you remember?

- Well, I pictured a herring,

and the book says it's easier
to remember unusual names.

- Oh, my fuck!

- Look, when I tell him...

- Do not fucking tell him.

- What?

- If he knows you,
he'll have to kill you.

- Why?

- Statton, I don't want to die,

and neither do you, so shut the
fuck up, and follow my lead.

- But he...

- I think you were right.

I do remember you.

- No, I just think you got

one of those faces,
like you said.

- How can it be my
face if I remember you?

You were at Danno's party.

- No, I, I don't think I was.

- Yes, Danno's!

You're the piano tuner guy.

We were doing shots
in the kitchen.

- Oh, that Danno, yes.

Yes, I was, yes.

Sorry.

- I totally remember you.

- So, you live around here?

- Mm-hmm.

- Then why are we in a hotel?

Come on, Statton.

You don't want to die with
a lie on your conscience.

- That is true.

As a Catholic, it's
highly inadvisable.

- I, um, still
live with my wife.

- Oh, Jesus.

- No, we're separated.

I sleep on the sofa
in the living room.

Just hasn't been the
right time to leave.

- Sure, you're separated,
but you still live together.

Totally believable.

- I promise you, she
won't mind me being here.

I could introduce
you, if you like.

- No, I'm fine, really.

- So, uh, how do you know Danno?

- Well, my mate Theo
is his supplier.

- You're a drug dealer, too?

- No.

Theo's a drug dealer.

I would never be a drug dealer.

It's too fussy.

Might as well be a shopkeeper.

(phone rings)

Yeah?

What do you got?

- Will's brother is
cave-diving in Azerbaijan.

- I'm fucking dying here.

- [Dec] Yeah, I know.

I'm exploring other options.

- Like what?

- Theo knows this vet.

- A vet?

Victor the vet?

- Yeah, I think he said
his name was Victor, yeah.

- Well, he's not
even a real vet.

He got his diploma
on the Internet.

- Well, Theo swears by him.

Said he was a star when
his wee doggie got shot.

- I won't see a vet without
proper qualifications.

- Hey, that doggie has little
wheels on his back legs now.

- Are you telling me that

his last patient is
now a paraplegic?

- Yeah, all right, I'll
sort something else out.

And a packet of
chewing gum, please.

Sugar-free.

How's the situation now?

- Oh, ahem, yeah, situation's
under control, Dec.

You'll never guess.

Statton and I have met before
at one of Danno's parties.

- What the fuck?

Are you a chartered moron?

If he knows you, he can ID you.

If they can hear you,
don't say a fucking word.

This is why you
are the sidekick.

- Fuck you.

What do I do?

- Well, you're gonna
have to kill 'em.

What?

- Well, I, uh, I've, uh,
never, never really had

any experience in that
kind of area before.

- Are you trying to tell me

that you have never
killed anyone before?

- That's correct.

- Jesus.

You must have.

- Well, I haven't.

- [Dec] Are you sure?

- Well, I'm pretty sure I'd
remember that sort of thing.

- Jesus, Kipper.

- And, um, you
know, there's been

a little bit of bonding,

and, uh, reminiscences
and all that.

- I have three previous.

I'm on parole.

I will get 20 years
for armed robbery.

I am not gonna do
20 fucking years

'cause you're a French fancy!

- All right.

- You'll have to kill her, too.

- No.

No.

No, no.

- She will see you kill him.

We can't have her being a
witness to that, can we?

- I can't do it.

- All right, I'll do it, if
you admit you're the sidekick.

- You're wrong.

It got a lot friendly, and
you don't shoot a friend.

I'm a lot less shootable now
that he knows me socially.

- No, no, no.

You're wrong.

He can't let you go, so
now he can't let me go.

- As soon as this is through
I'm taking Tina and the kids.

(suspenseful music)

- Drop the gun and the phone.

- How did you get that?

- You left it on the
chair, Pirate King.

- I am the sidekick.

- Hello, my name's
Statton Taylor.

I'm in room 304.

We need police and
ambulance right away.

Oh, thank you very much.

Okay, bye.

Police are on their way up

'cause of the earlier
bangs shot, shots.

- Statton?

- Hmm?

- Get the gun.

- Oh, right.

- Please, give me a chance.

Give me a head start, okay?

I've got kids, I'm
an opera singer,

and I'm clearly
not good at this.

I'll quit.

I'll go into teaching.

(gun firing)

(Kipper screams)

- Police!

Get on the floor!

- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

- Get on the floor!

- Thank Christ you're here!

- What?

- They tried to kill me!

I brought her up to my room,

and she pulled out a gun
and called her boyfriend.

- He was robbing us.

- You get your heads down!

- The room's in my name.

My name's Statton Taylor.

- Of course it is.

And I'm the one being
held at gunpoint.

- I'm Statton Taylor!

- No, he's not!

- Shut the fuck up!

- Okay, okay, okay.

- Have you got any ID, sir?

- Hey, that's my wallet!

- Shut it!

Any photo ID?

- Ah, Jesus.

They're the ones with the guns.

- Whose ID do you think it is?

- It's mine!

He stole the wallet from me!

- Very slowly look
up towards the door.

Sedgwick, manager.

Which one of these
men is Statton Taylor?

- That one.

- What?

- I talked to him earlier.

- His name is Kipper.

He went to the door.

He had us at gunpoint.

- You're the one with the guns.

He's the one that's wounded.

- Twice, wounded twice.

- We'll get you to the
hospital, Mr. Taylor.

We'll take a statement
in the morning.

- Thank you, officer.

I thought they
were gonna kill me.

- We do our job, that's all.

- You do not have
to say anything,

but it may harm your
defense if you don't mention

when questioned something
you later rely on in court.

(dramatic music)

- Fuck.

Statton, I think I've got a
wrap of coke in my pocket.

- What?

Cocaine?

- Mm-hmm.

Can you reach it?

It's in my jacket pocket.

- But they searched you.

- There's a zip pocket
inside the pocket.

- Just leave it there.

- No, no.

They might have
dogs at the station.

- Why do you have
cocaine anyway?

It's illegal.

- It's from a party weeks ago.

Just get it.

- God.

All right.

I can't.

- That is not my pocket.

- Sorry.

I've got it, I've
got it, I've got it.

Let's hand it in.

- No, no.

Just drop it when we
get out of the van.

- No, you always go
to the authorities,

that way they never suspect you.

(dramatic music)

Officer?

Officer, I found illegal
drugs in the back of your van.

- Statton, no, no, no.

(light hearted music)

- Not your first time then.

- What?

- We've run a check on your
girlfriend's fingerprints.

- She's not my girlfriend.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Your lady friend.

Her name is Yvonne Page,

and she has a previous
for armed robbery.

- We're not saying anything
till our lawyer gets here.

Come back then.

- Oh, I will.

(light hearted music)

- Fucking sidekick.

Fuck.

- Where's the leg that
needs fixing then?

- Your name's Yvonne?

Your name's not even Carol.

You have previous convictions.

Oh, that's it, we're going down.

- Oh, calm down.

It's not like I planned this.

If I did, I wouldn't have a
criminal record now, would I?

- Still your fault.

You grabbed the gun.

You had the cocaine.

Oh, my God, I'm going
down for armed robbery.

Oh, my giddy Christ, why didn't

you tell me you'd
already been arrested?

- It was a long time ago.

- Well, how long ago?

Was it before or
after the nunnery?

- It was actually the
reason I was asked to leave.

- You committed armed
robbery when you were a nun?

- I just drove the getaway car.

No one thought they'd
chase the convent car.

It had St. Lucy of the Isle
Convent written all over it.

- You were a nun
here on the island?

- Mm-hmm.

- I thought you were a tourist.

- I left the island years ago.

I just come back
every now and again.

- To wreak havoc and
get people arrested.

- Look, you're making
too much of it.

I got a suspended
sentence, I didn't do time.

- Who are you even
doing this with?

Errant nuns who needed...

- No.

I fell in with a bad crowd.

- How?

You were living in a convent!

- They were a youth group.

Troubled teens.

I was supposed to be
mentoring them, but instead...

- Instead, you committed
armed robbery with them.

- Oh, they were fun,
and they offered

to give me some of the cash.

You have no idea how hard
the vow of poverty is.

- Fuck-a-fuck.

- Way worse than
chastity by far.

(light hearted music)

(phone ringing)

- Hello.

Statton Taylor speaking.

- Kipper!

What's going on?

- Oh, calm down, mum.

I'm fine, I'm fine,
I'm in the hospital.

- You're not in the nick?

- No, no, no, no.

They caught the
pair that did it.

- Are you telling
me the two people

that can ID us are
in the fucking nick?

- That's right, mum.

- You really are
stupid, you know that?

I woke Petal up and got her
to put on a nurse's uniform

to instill confidence in you,

and you're not
even fucking here!

- Look, someone with a
first aid certificate

that you do weekly role-play
with is not a nurse.

Mum.

- Just get yourself out of the
hospital as soon as you can,

before the Bobbsey twins ID you.

- Love you, bye.

- Prick.

We have to go, Petal.

- Shame to waste the bed.

You could be done in
three minutes, Dec ster.

(light hearted music)

- This can't be happening.

This can't be happening to me.

This is your fault!

- This is good for you.

You needed something like this.

- I don't want no trouble.

I just wanna go home.

- Seems to me like
you need a new start.

Get your own place.

- That problem
seems to be solved.

I'm about to get
a cell of my own.

- It'd be better
than what you have.

You got no life.

- Don't judge me.

You can't judge me.

I run my own business.

I tune pianos, which is a...

- Which is, when
you think about it,

making something someone else
made very slightly better.

You don't make pianos,
you don't make music.

- What the, I allow other
people to make music.

- Well, aren't you
tired of letting

other people make the music?

- When I started, there
were a thousand functioning

pianos on this island,
and now there are 400.

I'm not even a failed
musician anymore.

I'm a failed piano tuner.

Except now I'll be nothing,

because I'll have
a criminal record.

And what school or
church or community hall

is gonna give me the
run of their place, eh?

Because my life, the one you
say I don't have, will be over.

- You're acting like
we're guilty here.

The whole thing is kinda
funny when you think about it.

The cops arresting us while
the guy was in the room?

- That wasn't remotely funny.

And who gives a flying frick

if we're innocent if
we can't prove it?

- Look, when our lawyer gets
here, he, he should be here.

What time is it?

- Well, I don't know,
because the very expensive

watch that my wife bought
me has been stolen.

- It wasn't expensive.

It was a fake.

- My wife bought me that
watch from a very, very...

- Then your wife was ripped off.

My dad was a jeweler.

I spent my childhood in Philly

sitting in the back of
his shop wearing a loupe.

He called me Diamond Lil'.

- My watch might be fake,
but at least I'm not.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Mary, Carol, Yvonne, whatever.

Is there anything else
you want to tell me?

I don't want any more surprises.

- Well, one thing, but it's
tiny, not even worth mentioning.

- What?

- It's nothing.

- I demand you tell me.

(Carol laughs)

Don't laugh at me.

This is my life!

- It was a bar fight.

- You were in a bar fight.

- I was protecting a friend.

Some guy was getting sleazy
with her in the strip club.

- What were you doing
in a strip club?

- Stripping.

- Right.

Okay.

Right.

Was this before or
after the nunnery?

- After.

I couldn't pay the
bills, couldn't go home.

- Did they know you were a nun?

- That was my act.

- What was?

- Stripping nun.

My character was called
Our Lady Of The Night.

- You don't have to stay
here all night, you know.

Not on my account.

- Don't worry, mate.

Better in here than it is
out there, I can assure you.

- Don't want to stretch
your legs or anything?

- Oh, thanks.

I'm meant to be here,

just until they've
taken your statement

in the morning and
checked your ID.

Just formalities.

- Well, I feel really reassured

that you're gonna
be here, Officer?

- Uh, Dean.

- Dean.

After all I've been through.

- Well, I've, um, I've
gone and got myself

an errant nine on the top line.

Are you any good at Suduku?

- Sudoku.

Do you know, I'll have a go
at this for you, officer,

if you could get me a little
chocolate biscuit or something?

Hot drink, anything?

- Call me Luke, now that
we're sharing a Sudoku.

(men laughing)

- Yeah, a crisp.

- You might not care,

but I have things I
need to get back for.

- Oh, really?

Do you, Statton?

You sleep on your
wife's sofa bed.

What were your
big plans tonight,

to go home and jerk off and cry?

- Jerk off and cry?

- Jerk off and cry.

- Fuck off and die.

- Oh, come on!

Isn't a part of you enjoying

that something's
happening to you?

- No!

- Wouldn't you like to have
one story that didn't end with,

and there was a cat trapped
in my piano all along?

- You loved that story!

You laughed at that story,
that story got you into my bed!

- That story made me realize
that you needed to get laid.

And you know what else?

At the hotel, I left the
door unlocked deliberately

because it's more
exciting that way.

- You fucked up nun!

You fucked up fucking nun!

- Mm-hmm.

Yup, yup, yup.

Well, this seems to be the room,
that makes you the clients.

- Are you our lawyer?

- Yeah, yup.

- Can I get some ice please?

- I doubt it.

No, the facilities here
are surprisingly two-star.

- I'm really hurt.

- No shit.

So, tell me how
innocent you are.

How the cops have
got it all wrong.

- They have got it all wrong.

- Okay, Yvonne, I'm listening.

- I prefer Carol.

- Or Mary or
countless other names.

- Always reassures the court

if you have a number of
functional pseudonyms.

- Yvonne will do.

- Yeah.

Yup, yup, yup.

Well, I'm Rich.

Uh, name only.

Obviously, not literally rich

or I'd be drunk
this time of night.

- Look, these guys,
they stole my watch,

they stole my identity.

- Yup, yup, yup.

Well, I think I have enough.

- You don't have a enough.

- They held us and gunpoint.

- I have enough to get you bail.

- But you don't
need bail in the UK.

- This is not the UK.

It's an island Crown dependency.

You can get to the
mainland on a rowboat.

You need bail.

So, who do I call?

- I don't know.

- No one springs to mind.

- Me neither.

- Okay.

Tell me a very, very
interesting story.

- Hello, Danno.

Look, I'm sorry it's so late.

Uh, it's Statton.

Yeah, right back to you.

Yeah, fine, fine.

How are you?

Uh, look, sorry, mate, I
need to get to the point.

Do you remember a guy called
Kipper from your party?

Yeah, do you know his surname?

Oh, no, he doesn't know.

- Give me that.

Danno, are you Catholic?

Well, I'm a virgin
motherfucking nun

and I need you to
reach back down there

into you subconscious
and figure the fuck out

what Kipper's last name
is or I'll personally see

to it that you're
stuck in Purgatory

for the duration of
your natural born death!

- Motherfucker.

- Get the hospital
on the phone now.

- Right.

What was his sidekick's name?

- I don't remember.

I'm not very good with names.

- They did say.

I did a mnemonic.

- You used my mnemonics?

- I pictured the Titanic.

Rearranging deck
chairs on the Titanic.

His name is Deck Chair!

- Dec, short for Declan.

Dec, Dec, his name's Dec.

- Yeah, Kipper's gone.

He walked out of the
hospital when Officer Dean

went to get him a
chocolate bickie.

- Go and make up a better story

of how this criminal got away.

Ideally, one that doesn't
make me look like a prick

for allowing the two of
you out of the station.

Go.

- Could we go?

- You're still charged
with possession of cocaine.

- I think under
the circumstances,

Sergeant, all charges
should be dropped.

- Do you?

Sadly, I disagree.

- Officer, the drugs were mine.

Statton had nothing
to do with it.

- Well, he was holding them,

which means you're both in
possession with conspiracy

to pervert the
course of justice.

- Your bail just
doubled, you numpties!

(light hearted music)

- Dec, I am out.

I'm out.

- Oh, good.

They'll be out
sooner or later, too.

We got to get rid of them.

- No, no, no, no, it's too late.

Too late, they'll definitely
have talked by now, definitely.

- Yeah, but you
can't have a trial

without witnesses,
can you, buddy?

- I told you, right,
not to go into

a room where people
were still awake.

I told you it was reckless.

But you didn't listen.

- It was just meant
to be a bit of fun.

Something funny
to tell the boys.

- Yeah, well, I'll tell
you what is funny, okay?

I gotta lay low, Dec, okay?

The cops are after me

and they don't know
what you look like!

- Does your kid know
what you look like?

Because at this rate,
he'll be identifying

your dead body in
the morgue, mate.

- Hello, Denise, I'm
sorry to wake you.

Um, I'm in the police station.

I really don't want to ask,

but, uh, could you,
um, bail me out?

And my friend?

Denise, thanks, look...

- This your friend?

- Yeah.

- Can I have a word
with you please?

- Um, sure.

- Okay, I'll bail you out,
but you got to take him.

- What?

- He can't come back to me.

- Look, I don't know
what you think this is...

- We broke up a year ago,
sorry, I don't know your name.

- Call me Carol.

- Carol, please, we
broke up a year ago.

Got a divorce.

- Well, he said separated.

- He always says that.

We signed divorce papers.

He said he was gonna
get his own place,

he was just staying on the
sofa bed for a couple of weeks.

- Yeah.

- Well, I've started
seeing someone else.

Six months went by, new
guy wants to move in.

- Oh, I see.

- Do you know, tonight
is the first night

that he stayed out after 10:00?

I was so hopeful.

I thought, this is it.

He's met someone.

He's gonna go!

- I think it's more
of a one-night kinda...

- No, no, it can't be.

I'll pay you to be
his transitional girl.

I mean, I'll bail you out.

- Well, can't you
just ask him to leave?

- I've tried to!

He just keeps not leaving.

I have come home
furious as fuck,

ready to throw him out, change
the locks, and he's just.

He's cooked a risotto,
changed my light bulbs.

He's just not the sort of
guy who you can throw out.

But now, now!

This is his own fault, you know.

I can do this now.

It might be my last shot.

- I don't know.

- Skip bail if you want.

Get the ferry to the mainland.

I don't care, just
take him with you.

I beg you.

Do you take plastic?

- You're throwing me out?

- No, you're leaving me for her.

- But I need to come home.

I just got robbed.

I haven't got any money.

- All right, you can have
what I've got in my purse,

then call the bank tomorrow.

You're in luck.

Here's 100, good luck, Statton.

- What about my stuff, my...

- I'll send it on.

- Where to?

- Babe, ask Carol, huh?

You live with her now.

- We made a deal.

Statton, Statton, wait.

Wait.

Statton, Statton.

Wait, come on!

- I can't believe you
did a deal for me.

I'm not property.

- I didn't have much choice,

and she seemed
kind of desperate.

- I'm not living with you.

- Oh, really?

But I thought we
were gonna register

for twin babies
and matching china.

- I hate you, I hate you!

You're a curse of a woman.

Why are you even here?

Let me give you some cash, okay?

I don't want to
leave you stranded.

I know how hard the
vow of poverty is.

- Okay.

- Look.

- Thanks.

Well, you want me to
buy you a drink or not?

- You're going drinking now?

- No, I'm gonna find
out where my pendant is.

- Why?

- It doesn't matter.

- Well, exactly!

So, leave it!

- My birth mother left it
at the hospital for me.

- What?

- I'm adopted.

- Well, I didn't know.

- I didn't either, until I did.

And, well, she left it
for me when I was born

and I've never taken it
off since I've had it.

Not before tonight.

And I know you think
it's just stupid

or just a thing or
whatever, but you know what?

I don't care what you think.

I'm getting my necklace back.

And you might as
well come with me,

you have nowhere else to go.

And I bet who ever it's been
hawked to is in the streets.

(dance music)
(people chattering)

- Oh, my God!

It's Bollocks McGiven!

- Bollocks!

- Bollocks McGiven?

- Oh, a long story
involving a night in Dublin,

a poker game, and a frying pan.

- Oh, Bollocks!

The unit's broken down again.

Would you mind coming
by and having a look?

- Sure, it's probably the
throttle body cleaner again.

- Oh, you're adorable!

Hey.

You wanna Brexit?

Go back to my place?

- Oh, not tonight.

- Aww.

- Do you know where
I can score in here?

- Oh.

- Sorry, kid, you need cash.

I don't give credit to
customers I don't know.

- I swear I'm good for it.

I was robbed tonight!

There were these
guys with guns...

- All right, all right!

Save your stories for
some Oprah who cares.

Hey!

Did you used to do
a stripping nun act?

- No, must have
been someone else.

- [Statton] What the fuck?

- If you talk to a drug
dealer without buying drugs,

they start to get suspicious,

and he's the guy who'll
know who's got my pendant.

In a half hour, that
guy will be my BF and F,

and 'effing tell me
everything I need to know.

- Just get rid of it.

- I was hoping you would.

There's absolutely no
point in doing hard time

for holding if you're
not gonna have any fun.

I mean, that's just,
that's just embarrassing.

- I just don't drink and drug.

- You've never done
it before, have you?

- What?

Yeah.

And I kicked the gun
out of his hand, right?

It flew up in the
air and I caught it,

and I put it to his
head, and was like,

don't move, motherfucker,
or I'll blow your head off.

And then police, they've
surrounded the building.

They're like, come out
with your hands up.

And I was like, don't worry,
lads, I got this, right.

(dramatic music)

(door knocks)

- [Woman] Come on!

I'm busting like the
six dams out here!

And if you've got any
drugs, I'd love some.

- I'll be right out, Kitty.

- The duty manager comes
to the door, right?

And I knew it was
either him or me.

And he's just an
innocent guy, you know?

He's probably got a family.

I don't want him to die.

The strangest thing is,
I don't even know karate,

but I jumped off the bed,
knocked him to the floor,

and the bullet went
over our heads.

I fucking love this song.

♪ If you call out my name ♪

♪ I'll keep you safe ♪

♪ 'Cause I wanna
fight for love ♪

♪ If you call out my name ♪

- So, if I wanted to
get rid of some jewelry,

something I borrowed,
who'd be interested?

- You tried eBay?

- I know that guy.

Yeah, I helped that guy get
a cat out of a piano once.

- What?

- I'm a vet.

You get called in to
do the craziest shit.

- Theo loves that
story, don't you, Theo?

- Victor, you've given
away the punchline now.

- Hey, Buddy!

It's all right, Asbo.

- Dec wants you
to call him, back.

He says it's urgent.

- Tell him we've found
what he's looking for.

- I gotta go.

- Wait, you haven't
heard the story yet.

Tell her the story.

(suspenseful music)

- Motherfucker!

(dramatic music)

No, no, no, no.

I attacked him in front

of a police officer
completely unprovoked.

I have to plead guilty.

- You never have
to plead guilty.

- I want to plead guilty.

It was the greatest
moment of my life.

I don't want to deny it.

- Hey, guilty
makes my life easy.

- And the police are
looking for Mary, right?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you want my advice,
as a legal professional,

don't worry about her.

She's a very capable
lady, mm-hmm.

- So, how long are
we gonna wait here?

- Until Kipper calls us back

and decides what to do with you.

We shouldn't have
left Asbo at the bar.

- Well, there's a new
scent in the car, man.

Do you want him barking,
drawing attention?

- He doesn't like
being tied up, though.

You know that.

- He's a dog, man!

- Yeah, but dogs have feelings.

- Can I have some gum?

Thanks.

So what's it like,
being a dealer?

- It's a living.

- It's not like being
a shopkeeper then?

- Did Kipper say that?

Is he still going on about that?

I've told him before,
it's a dangerous game.

It's not like running
a Tesco Metro!

Jesus Christ!

- Well, he didn't
say that exactly.

- Oh, yes, he did.

I know him.

- Don't let her wind you up.

- I'm sorry.

I should have said anything.

I'm just thinking of a
career change, that's all.

Can you really buy a degree?

- I didn't buy a degree, right?

I did a course.

On the Internet.

Distance learning is the future.

- That's what I told Kipper,
and he said an Internet degree

is not worth the email
it's attached to.

- Fucking Kipper!

- You know, you
guys shouldn't worry

about anything that guy says.

He got shot in the leg tonight,

twice, trying to rob a hotel.

I mean, who does he
think he is, Al Capone?

- Oh, he's a fucking amateur.

- And Kipper?

What's with that name?

- It's a nickname.

Do you wanna know how he got it?

- Oh, my God, so much.

Is it embarrassing?

- Oh, you have no idea.

(Dec burps)

- Dec wants you dead, kid.

He won't do 20 years.

- So, get on the first ferry

to the mainland in
the morning, okay?

- Okay, I will.

Thanks, guys.

- And if you are gonna make
those Welsh cakes, don't forget.

- [Both] Grease the
griddle pan with lard!

- Oh, come here.

And by the way, it was me who
did the stripping nun act.

- I knew it!

(light hearted music)

- [Carol] Well, look
who's in trouble again.

- Mary!

Oh, thank God.

I was so worried.

What are you doing here?

- Someone had to bail you out.

- You don't have any money.

- Will you take plastic?

- Thank you, Reverend Mother.

I really appreciate this.

- Don't thank me,
thank Father Donald.

It's his credit card.

- He always had a crush on me.

- Father Donald better get
every penny of this back,

and some reward points.

(both laughing)

- Where are you taking me?

- Please, just follow me, okay?

- We should find somewhere to
hide until the first ferry.

I am getting off this
God forsaken island

and never coming back.

- Well, I can't leave, can I?

Where would I go?

- Um, somewhere where no
one wants to kill you?

- I don't have...

- Statton, when was the last
time you went to the mainland?

- Uh, probably my stag night?

I don't remember much
of that, to be honest.

- And how long ago was that?

- Uh, eight years ago.

- Eight years?

Wait, you haven't been off this
tiny island in eight years?

- I haven't really had the time.

- Yes, you have.

When was the last time
you lived somewhere else?

Did you go away to college or?

You've never lived
anywhere else but here?

All right, that's it, buddy.

We are getting off this island
if we have to swim for it.

- No, no, no, no.

Wait, please.

Just, it's a surprise.

- All in all, I'd
say I'm very good

for surprises this evening.

- One more?

- Okay.

(gentle music)

The convent?

- Just wait in the chapel.

I'll be back.

(gentle music)

(door knocks)

Hi, sorry to bother you.

My name's Statton.

Um, I actually went
to Sunday school here.

Um, that's irrelevant.

Um, I'm a friend an
acquaintance of Declan?

- Don't know no Declan.

- Scottish?

Very, quite angry.

He said you might
have a necklace.

- Don't know about no necklace.

- And the pendant or?

Are you sure?

'Cause, I mean, he
was quite adamant.

- All right, all right.

I had it, but I
haven't got it anymore.

- Oh.

Where is it?

- Give me a minute.

I'll call the guy and
get it back to you.

- Oh, thank you very much.

- It'll cost you.

500 at least.

- Sure.

- Wait in the chapel.

- Are you online?

I could do a bank
transfer, you see?

(gentle music)

Who's that?

- [Carol] Saint Tropez.

- Oh, yeah.

- Patron saint of suntans.

- Suntans?

- Okay, but it is Saint Tropez.

He was decapitated by Nero,

who set him adrift in a boat
with a rooster and a dog.

- Rougher night than ours.

- So, what's all the mystery?

What's the big surprise?

Have you resubmitted my
application to the convent?

'Cause I really don't think
they're gonna reconsider.

- Just wait and see.

- Kipper, they're here.

I don't know how
long I can hold them.

- Okay, confess something.

- Um, if a customer upsets me

sometimes I make their
D slightly sharp.

- True.

- I had an affair with
my math teacher's wife.

- That's gotta be false.

- True.

- Sometimes when I
run out of underwear,

I'd borrow my
wife's boyfriend's.

- Um, true.

- True.

- When I was a nun, I was in

a death metal band
called Clitty Slickers.

- True, definitely true.

- False.

- I wasn't sure you
were telling the truth

about being a nun until
Mother Superior turned up.

- Okay.

Well, I didn't
believe for one minute

you were really
separated from your wife.

What was your
worst relationship?

- My wife.

- And your best?

- My wife.

You know what?

I think this is better.

- Then it must have
been really bad.

- It lacked romance.

(gentle music)

We're gonna get it back.

- You don't know that.

- That's why we're here.

- What?

- Father Donald's got it.

Well, he had it.

He's getting it back.

- How did you find this out?

Dec told me in the
police station.

- Dec told you?

And why do you think
he'd do that, Statton?

- Because I paid him.

- You paid him?

You paid him.

What kind of fuckwittery did

they teach you in
piano tuning school?

Dec wants us dead,
and you just paid him

to tell us where to go so
he could have us killed.

- Father Donald is a priest.

We can trust him.

- Dodgy Donald?

He's receiving stolen goods.

Think it through!

He's a priest that could
afford to bail us out.

- Come on, we gotta
get out of here.

Fuck, I knew it!

- Sorry, Mary, I thought that...

- Well, start
thinking of a way out.

- Sure, uh, um, windows!

- These windows are lead lined

and too high to
climb out of anyway.

No, no, we need to
attract attention.

(organ music)

(gun firing)

- Get up.

Move.

- We've already been
to the police, Kipper.

There's no point.

- No point going
down for murder.

It's only armed robbery.

No one got hurt.

- Dec says if he
gets armed robbery,

he goes down for twenty.

Dec gets 20, I get
dead, kids, no dad.

- We'll refuse to testify.

- Dec's not the sort of guy
you could do a deal with.

I don't want to do it.

I have to do it.

- You don't have to do...

- I have to do it!

- Okay, okay.

You have to do it.

But can we, can we at least
talk awhile before you do it?

- Sure.

I want you to know that
I've never done this before.

- You don't have to kill
anyone today, Kipper.

- You don't have to
do what Dec says.

You're not the sidekick.

- Don't call me an
'effing sidekick, okay?

I hate being a sidekick.

- I know, I know.

- Okay, I'm gonna do it.

- Oh, no, no.

No, no.

- I'm gonna do it and
then I'm gonna go.

- Okay.

Just let me say
my prayers first.

- You still believe?

- Technically, I'm still a nun.

- Hmm?

How?

- Well, I was never defrocked

'cause I was just a novice,
so they didn't bother.

- Well, you were pretty
well defrocked tonight,

love, in the hotel.

I saw you, okay?

Some nun you are.

- Lots of nuns sin, Kipper.

We're only human.

- Okay.

Okay, ask for forgiveness.

Come on.

And say one for me.

- Dear Lord, please forgive
me for my sins of the flesh.

And, please, have mercy on
the soul of Kipper Jones.

I know that Matthew 20:13 says

that he who kills a nun
shall know no forgiveness,

but instead will
burn in a fiery pit.

But please, please,
make an exception

in Kipper's case, for he
knows not what he does.

- Did you hear that?

Hey!

- Do you mind?

I'm praying.

- Well, that's not
in the 'effing Bible.

- Sure it is.

You think there's no scripture
covering nun killers?

And please, Lord, have
mercy on Kipper's soul.

I know that according
to your holy word

in John chapter 3, verse 4,

you say that the eyes will
be plucked out of the head

of anyone who slays a nun
or the protector of a nun.

- The protector of the nun?

It does not say that.

Show me.

Show me where it says
that in the Bible.

Show me in the passages
where those words are used.

- We don't have a Bible.

- But we're in a
bloody church, mate!

- Good point.

Good point.

- You, get over there.

Show me.

Show me in that Bible.

The holy Bible.

- Holy fuck.

Move.

Show me Matthew, John.

Show me where it says
those words, huh?

- This Bible's in Latin.

But that's what it means.

- I'm coming.

I'm coming.

- (speaking in foreign language)

Nonne means nun.

Ex denario means.

Convenisti mecum.

The convent's down a nun.

Non facio tibi.

The faceless man who
does this evil act.

- If you're lying to me,
if you are lying to me.

- Why are they
still here, Kipper?

How long can this possibly take?

(suspenseful music)

Get out, get out!

- Okay, okay.

- Stay there!

You.

I was gonna do it, but I
couldn't do it, I'm sorry, Dec.

(suspenseful music)

She's a nun.

- Yeah?

Well, I'm a Methodist.

(gun firing)

- Statton!

- I'm sorry, Dec.

I couldn't let you do it.

They're innocent, I couldn't.

(gun firing)

- Kipper!

Oh, Kipper, Kipper.

- I couldn't let him do it.

I couldn't, I couldn't
let him do it.

It isn't right.

- What in the name of Saint
Tropez is going on in here?

- Mother Superior,
call an ambulance!

- Call the police,
Father Donald.

Call the ambulance,
call the police.

- Will you pray for me, Mary?

Will you pray for me?

- You're gonna be
fine, Pirate King.

Just hold on.

(dramatic music)

- [Statton] Mary, don't go.

I've got your pendant.

- [Carol] It doesn't
matter anyway.

Forget it.

- [Statton] Of course it does.

- It doesn't.

Look when I was 18, I
stowed away on a ship.

- Stowed away?

What year was this, 1872?

- A cargo ship, to get here,

because this is where she lived.

- Your birth mother.

- And I thought she would
be so excited to meet me.

Well, she refused to see me.

Left me standing
at the front door.

She basically
abandoned me again.

- Why are you back here?

Really, why?

- She's dying, Statton.

Her husband wrote me,
told me he'd get me in,

that she should see me.

Should, should, not wants to.

- Things are different
when people are dying.

- Look, I don't even think
he told her I was coming.

She probably would
have just rejected me

and then died right
in front of me.

- Ah, she, she
might no reject you.

- Yes, yes.

And that's the
comfort I can live

with for the rest of my life.

I can live with uncertainty.

It's my specialty.

What I can't live with is a
second round of rejection.

I just can't.

And why should I?

Why should I let her make me
feel like shit on her deathbed?

- Well, it might
not feel like that.

It might feel like home.

- How do you know?

- Well, you know
adventure, Mary.

Home is my forte.

(dramatic music)

- Gosh.

- I'm...

- You're her, when
I first met her.

You can see her now.

She's very ill.

She'll only be able to
manage a short time.

- Hello.

- Oh, my gosh.

- (speaking in foreign language)

- I'm sorry, I'm not
very good at Welsh.

- (speaking in foreign language)

- I don't think she
knows who we are.

She doesn't know who anyone is.

She's got dementia.

- Then why did you invite me

if she doesn't
know who anyone is?

- I worried you wouldn't come.

She can remember the past.

She gets distressed at times.

Please, I think
you might help her.

- You came.

- I came.

- David said I need to give
you advice for your honeymoon.

The only thing I
can say is this,

the best marriages
are those between

an ocean and a lighthouse.

Two lighthouses are boring.

Two oceans crash about.

But a lighthouse and an
ocean will last forever.

Take turns!

Let him be the ocean
sometimes, darling.

Turn your lights on
so he can find you.

You don't have to be
the ocean all the time.

No, no, no, don't take her!

Bring her back.

- [Man] It's just a hot
water bottle, Aurelie.

- They've taken
her, bring her back!

She's mine!

- No, I'm her.

Aurelie, I'm her.

- Make them bring
her back, sister.

- I'm here, it's me.

I'm her.

- Say my name.

- Mother.

- Yes.

You're Charlotte.

- I'm Charlotte.

(gentle music)

- Come with me.

- I can't miss my court date.

I'll definitely keep
in touch, though, eh?

- Take this.

- Oh.

- For your legal expenses.

- No.

Go put a deposit on
a flat or something.

- If you promise to go
to the mainland one day.

- One day.

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

Excuse me, excuse me!

Mary!

Mary.

- You know you're early, right?

- What?

- You're supposed to come
when I'm on the ferry.

Yell, Stop the boat!

- Well, you know
me, I'm punctual.

- You know you can't really jump

in front of a bullet, right?

- It was instinct.

- Huh.

You are an ocean after all.

Statton.

Statton.

Say my name.

- Anne-Marie, Mary, Carol,
Sister Mary Catherine,

not Yvonne, Diamond Lil',
Our Lady of the Night,

Bollocks McGiven.

Charlotte.

- Just call me baby.

Wait, are you wearing your
ex-wife's boyfriend's underwear?

- [Statton] Not today.

- [Charlotte] Well,
there's a label

sewn inside that says Dan Marks.

- [Statton] Oh, yeah.

Ah, I forgot to tell you.

Statton's not my real name.

- [Charlotte] You're
kidding, right?

- [Statton] Am I?

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)