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You ready, girls?

Nice.

Do it again, do it again. Nice.

And a few more.

That's great.

Do that again.

Bring it back in, bring it back in.

Go on, Erin.

Go on, keep going.

Yeah, that's awesome.

Love it.

Okay, let's do a team photo.

So, everyone who's taller, on the back.

Ready?

And then spin it. Oh, I love it.

Let's give it up for the Hackney Wick Ladies!

Three, two, one, Hackney!

- Jim. - Oh, hello, Pia.

What are you doing?

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

The foxes have been in your bins again.

- Don't worry, I'll sort it out. - Shh!

Can you put your penis away whilst you're doing it?

And just to clarify, I said you could pee in the studio,

not on the studio.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - All right, mate.

- Sorry. Whoops! - Okay.

- Good luck, girls. - Thank you.

Oh, shit!

Hello?

Why didn't you answer first time?

- I'm in the middle of something. - Did you forget?

No, I didn't forget!

- I'm nearly there. I was just... - "Just, just." What "just?"

Mum, chill out. I'm on my way.

Come on, Beta. You know I need you there.

Hurry up and leave.

I'm literally minutes away.

I think she's still in bed.

Look, wig-head, stop winding Mum up.

I'm not winding her up.

- What was that noise? - Nothing! I'm fine!

I bet you're looking in the mirror right now.

You look like Cynthia from the Rugrats.

Hey, watch your tone.

I'm two years older than you, remember.

Eighteen months, but, sure, my respected Didi.

Yeah, I'm a businesswoman.

A respected pillar of the community.

- I don't know what she's saying. - What are you saying?

- I'm coming! - P, hurry up!

Oh, you're running away from good taste again?

Huh?

How much did we make from the girlies?

- Nothing. I've gotta go. Bye. - Pia, we can't afford charity!

- You all right? - I can't talk, Jim. I gotta go!

Sorry, sweetheart. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry.

Whoa! Wait.

No!

What the...

- It's fine. It's fine. - Beta, what happened?

- Where are your shoes? - It's a long story.

- Can we just get some shoes? - No!

It's a half-hour appointment,

and we can't come all the way back to London.

Some magic treasure is waiting for both of you.

What do you mean?

As our scriptures say, "Curiosity is not a sin,

but we should exercise caution with our curiosity."

- Hang on, isn't that...? - Dumbledore?

Watched Goblet of Fire last night.

- Oh, nice. - Shh!

Let the games begin!

Madame Jaswani.

Please. It's my pleasure to accompany you.

After you.

So, some of these pieces

have been in our family for generations.

And the rest I have collected throughout my lifetime.

Not for me, but for you.

Oh, my God!

This is your wedding jewellery.

Oh, my God!

And this, sweetheart, is for you.

Are you happy?

Mum, this is amazing. Thank you.

And when you get married, you can take all of it.

But until then, it stays safely in this box.

What if I don't get married?

I'm not saying now. But one day, of course you will.

What if I don't want to get married? Right?

Guys, what if I want to continue to grow the studio,

make a positive contribution to the world,

and not be a part of...

I'm sorry, Son, what some may say is a social contract

that's gonna distract me from focusing on my career?

- Rude. - What if I don't want that?

Don't even joke about that.

You clearly haven't found the right man, PiPi.

I'm not joking.

Hey, I'm building a life for myself here, on my own.

I don't need a man to do that.

- You guys don't get it. - Get what?

You raised me to become an independent free-thinker.

- Yes, and? - And because I'm turning 30,

suddenly you're going back to old-school ways. Wow!

- That's not what I'm saying. - Look out, Mum.

Atomic bomb is about to blow her top.

Well, Son, you can take my jewellery.

I don't wanna be a part of this.

- Okay, I will. - Hey, hey, hey.

- What? - Chill out, Pia.

Next you'll say you don't want kids.

- I don't want kids! - You love kids!

But they're currently not a part of the plan!

No, no, it... it was an accident.

Yes, a customer's buttocks triggered the alarm,

- and now the-- - You know what?

Yeah, it was an accident,

but maybe if you guys put a sign or something above your button,

people wouldn't hit your button with their buttocks!

- Oh. - Pia...

I'm sorry.

I'll go and get some new shoes, Mum.

Beta, I love you so much.

When will you realise this?

Everything I do, I do it for you.

Bryan Adams?

Oh, yeah.

When you were little, you had such chubby cheeks

and your two baby front teeth. Oh, you were so sweet!

And you didn't argue back then.

So, I was like your obedient chipmunk?

You still look like a chipmunk, to be fair.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

What?

- It's a MAMIL. - Oh, dear.

- What's a MAMIL? - Middle-aged man in Lycra.

We'll handle this. Jay, lock the doors.

Thank you for your support. So nice to see you.

- Thank you very much. - Did we just make a sale?

Yeah! Five pounds, bitches! We are so screwed.

God, he's coming.

- You deal with him. I'm not. - It's okay, I got this.

Hi. Hey. Hi, welcome to the Ninth Mandala.

How can I help you?

Yeah, I need some passport photos taken, actually.

Yeah, but I need my visa sorted, and they won't accept these.

- No idea why. - Interesting attire.

I'm so sorry I can't help you. This is a portraiture studio.

You could try Sainsbury's on Bethnal Green Road.

Look, you got loads of cameras over there! I spy your subject.

There's a printer over there,

and you can cut them with these, no?

- I think you need to leave. - Calm down, dear.

I am calm, dickhead. Now get out.

- Seriously, get out! - Yeah, get out, you knob.

And each toe does not need its own chamber. Go on.

- Thank God he's gone. - Yeah.

We should think about passport photos.

- We'd be raking in the cash. - No, Jay. Don't listen to him.

Remember, we're making art.

This whole studio is dedicated to my grandma.

I know. And her dream of being a photographer.

But every letter we're getting through the door

is a red-lined bill.

Well, we'll be fine. Just have faith.

We're not fine! We need to find some money soon.

Which means... you might need to loosen up a little bit.

Huh! I am loose.

Hon, I'm loose.

You're so tight we could mine diamonds out of your ass.

Well, speaking of diamonds, today I found out my mum

has been saving all this jewellery for me.

For my wedding.

Enough to pay our debt off 20 times over.

And it's all in this bank in Golders Green.

We need to rob that bank immeeds.

The only way we can get our hands on it is if I get married

- and that is never happening. - Okay, but the bank has said

that we need to pay our arrears in the next four weeks,

or they'll shut us down. So, we need to marry you off.

Or at least get you on a date.

- So, come out with me tonight. - No!

I have plans.

Plus, it's Sonal's engagement tomorrow.

Okay, well, I have a plus one

at a private view on Redchurch Street tonight.

Which is just down the road, so no excuses.

There'll be loads of fitties there.

I'm busy.

P, you cannot just stay here watering plants.

- I love my plants! - You'll turn into melancholy.

No, I won't. I won't turn into melancholy.

You won't lie in bed, endlessly browsing Deliveroo,

- dreaming of Shashi Kapoor? - I love Shashi Kapoor.

Come on, what have you got to lose?

- You might even get some D. - That is highly unlikely.

It's like an abandoned subway down there.

Well, go and wash your subway. We're going out.

- Come on. - Really?

Yes, go on. Scrub it.

- Hi. - Welcome.

Ooh.

What about him?

No. Come on, come on, go.

Him?

Unusual look, but, no.

Look, he's hot, behind me.

Look, Jay, stop.

So, what about the apps, then?

Gonna download them again, or...?

Jay, I hate the apps. Rejection is always imminent.

Before, after, during sex.

- During? - Yeah, it doesn't matter.

They're a headfuck, anyway. So, I'm done with the apps.

Do you remember Big Dick Dinesh?

We don't talk about Big Dick Dinesh.

Shh!

Seriously, when were you last in love?

- Actual love? - Yes.

Balls deep in love.

Oh, my God!

It was what's-his-name, wasn't it? Charlie.

Was... Was it Charlie?

Oh, my God. Pia, that was at school. Are you serious?

Can you not love-shame me?

What happened to you two, then?

He just turned out to be another suburban boy

that wanted to stay in Welwyn and run the family business.

I, on the other hand, if you haven't already noticed,

- I'm a smoking-hot diva. - Plumes of hotness.

And I had things I wanted, needed, to do with my life,

like go to uni.

And then that led to... irreconcilable differences.

Anyway... I did go and visit him that Christmas.

And then he'd already hooked up

with that stunning red-head called Lucy.

Lucy. It's unbelievable.

Mm! And then, check this.

Now he's gonna be the best man at Son's wedding.

Jay?

Great, first shaming, now the ghosting.

Sorry, babe, but over your shoulder.

No, don't look yet! Don't look, don't look!

I can't tell who he's winking at.

Oh, it's definitely me.

But I would consider sharing him

as a plus one at tomorrow's engagement party,

if you're interested.

This ain't no ride-share, baby.

Fine by me.

- See you tomorrow. - Bye.

- Where are we? - We're nearly there.

Is this it?

- Ready? - Yeah.

- We're in, we are out. - Yeah.

Stealth, agility.

- We're like ninjas, okay? - Yeah. In, out.

And do not, I repeat, do not get sucked into the mentalism.

- Pia! - Whoa!

Oh, my God.

It's okay. It's okay.

Are you all right?

It's how we say "hi" in this family.

- Hi. - Hey, Son.

JJ! Look at you.

You're the most beautiful man in town.

Looking fire as always, Sonal.

You remember my mum.

- Beta. - Hey.

Hi.

It's wonderful to see you after all this time, Auntie Laxmi.

Oh, Jay, so handsome as always.

Why did you have to be one of the gays, hmm?

- You're so perfect for our Pia. - I can only apologise.

Oh, one second.

This, bitches, this is my conscience.

My bible. May I present to you our wedding itinerary?

- Wow, Son, this is... - Ooh.

a lot.

So, every last detail of my wedding

has been planned through my blood, sweat and tears.

Whoa, it's like you wrote it on your period.

So, we got the engagement, the shagun,

the mehndi-henna night, the sangeet,

the wedding, the reception.

Oh, so it takes place over a year?

No! Don't be silly. It's only a month.

You are gonna look so cute.

Oh.

Damn, PiPi, look at you.

You're wearing shoes and everything.

Ah! You're gonna read it, though, right?

- Yeah. - Because I need you on board

for the most important month of my life!

Yay!

Seriously, Son, don't worry about me.

This is all about you.

Hmm! Don't worry. I have got a make-up artist on call.

You're gonna need him.

We need to head to Sam's place.

In exactly two hours.

Shit, I need to get ready.

Sorry, PiPi? That's your family nickname?

Yeah. Say it in the real world and I'll fire you.

PiPi, you too.

Can you fire me if you haven't paid me in two months?

- This way, please. - Where's Sam? Ah!

I thought the wedding was next month.

Oh, no, it's like Sonal said, Indian weddings are epic.

This event is the first of approximately seven...

- Seven? - ...ty-five... thousand.

How do I look?

- I mean, the hair is-- - Okay.

- Do you not like my curls? - We all have to head to the den.

We have a special event for the family before the party starts.

Jay, you're included, of course.

- I am? Oh, thank you. - Wait, what's this now?

Ah, wouldn't you like to know?

- Hmm? - I like these.

Hey, Mama. Lovely to see you. Mum and Dad send their love.

They're in the house finalising everything.

I hope this is all to your liking.

Oh, it's wonderful!

Yes! Yes.

Oh, Pia, hey.

- Sam. - Hi.

I'm Sam, the husband-to-be.

Hi. I'm Jay, the, uh, gay bestie.

Come and sit. Come on.

- He's cute. - Yeah, they're very cute.

- Pia, come and sit. - What is going on?

If you come and sit down, you'll find out what's going on.

- Jay. Yep. - Okay, right. Yep.

And how is the Ninth Mandala?

It's going great. Yeah.

- Is it? - Yes, sir.

- Yes. Yes. - He's being modest.

I was worried, but it sounds like things are coming together.

Yeah, print sales are going up. They're very high in demand.

And we have just rearranged the studio,

so, uh, now customers are walking in from the rear.

"Entry from the backside only."

- I don't get it. - You get it.

Cos in India we say, "Entry from the backside only."

Sounds like...

Sounds like anal sex.

Hey!

- Hey, Dad. - How are we doing? Okay?

Yeah.

- Hey, darling. - Thank God you're here.

I'm glad I'm here too.

Mum, it's getting late.

Guests are gonna be arriving soon.

Pandit Ramprakash Balakrishnan Subramanium Fuggaji

will be here very soon.

- Have some patience, Beta. - He's a crook. They all are.

Like you know anything about spiritual matters.

Namaste. Namaste.

Namaste. Namaste.

- Namaste. - Namaste.

Oh, no.

He's got her Janampatri.

Her Janama-what?

It's her astrological chart. He is gonna do her reading.

Your wedding is 14th October?

Yes, Fuggaji. Is there a problem?

You, uh...

have an excellent uterus.

- Come on! - Very strong energy.

Magnetic quality.

You will be blessed with a pregnancy

at the first attempt.

Well done.

Pia, I've asked Pandit-ji to do not one,

- but two readings today. - Oh, no.

- Oh, yes. - Uh, no.

- Oh, yes. - No!

Throwing good money after bad, huh?

Hey. I'll do it, I'll do it. Just... keep it light.

Janampatri says

you are going to be 30 this year.

Yeah.

Time is running out, huh?

- How's her uterus doing? - Jay! Not now.

What Jay means, Fuggaji,

is I am happily unmarried.

Show me your palm.

I don't need to show you my hand.

- Mum! - Oh, Pia, show him your palm.

Her love line and her career line are directly intertwined.

- See? - Which means what exactly?

- Jay, what are you doing? - Just...

This is a Vashikaran mantra.

It is to attract love.

It will give you control over a person's mind and soul.

- That's some dark shit. - Yeah.

He's up.

I guarantee it.

Your life partner will be

one of the next five persons you will meet.

Wait. Pandit-ji, one of her next five dates will be her soulmate?

- What? - What?

- What? - Exactly!

Five. That's it, Beta.

I am sorry, I have to leave now.

I have an exorcism

of a chartered accountant in Bexley Heath.

Sounds like a hook-up.

Namaste.

- Namaste. - Thank you so much.

Toot-a-loo!

- Toot-a-loo. - Toot-a-loo.

Bye.

Well, that was incredible.

Guys, one more time for the Welwyn Bharatanatyam Academy.

- Who is that? - Next up, Shiv Saini.

Give him a warm welcome, guys.

Holy fucknuts.

That guy's an absolute smash.

Shiv here says he can multiply any two-digit numbers together

and come up with the right answer every single time.

Let's put him to the test.

Can I have a two-digit number, please? Anyone.

I'll give you my number.

Very funny, Mrs Viswanathan.

Forty-three. Thank you very much.

One more two-digit number, please.

Let's try sixty-nine.

- Yes, let's! Lovely number. - Shh!

Okay.

Forty-three

multiplied by sixty-nine.

Two thousand, nine hundred and sixty-eight.

Ladies and gentlemen, he is correct.

Make some noise. Well done.

Guys, we'll be back very shortly with some more entertainment.

What? He's adorable.

That's Charlie.

Charlie, your first love, Charlie?

Yes.

- Drink? - Yep!

Double.

Come on. Jane, photos.

- You gonna go talk to him then? - Mm-mm!

What do you mean, "Mm-mm"?

If he wants to talk, he can come to me. I'm not running to him.

Oh, what's going on here, then?

Please explain, immeeds.

Oh, it's for the family back home.

- So they think they're still--? - Together, yeah.

No.

No one in India knows they've been divorced for 15 years.

They're gonna continue this charade for the whole wedding.

It's Jane I feel sorry for.

- Okay. - Pia? Beta, come.

- Can you get me another? - Yeah.

- Hi, Jane, hi. - Come, come, Beta.

- Okay. - Thank you, Jane.

All the pieces in the jigsaw are coming together, huh, Sonal?

But we need to keep an eye on this five-dates business.

Make sure Pia also secures her partner.

I don't think that's necessary.

Wait. I've got an idea.

Why don't we each plan a date for Pia before the wedding?

She then chooses a winner

and brings them as a date on our wedding day.

That sounds like a TV show I'd like to binge.

That is a great idea! Excellent.

I'm gonna kill you.

Mum, I don't really believe in this astrology crap.

And, uh, I don't wanna get married.

- Come here, Beta. - Okay.

Thanks, Mum.

Beta, what if I was to walk out, get hit by a truck and die,

- and this was the last time we spoke. - Dad!

Imagine how you would feel.

Mum, Mum. Still at my engagement, okay? Keep it light.

You would never be able to stop regretting.

It would eat you up inside,

this pain, but it would be too late.

In which case, the sooner we sort these dates, the better.

Correct.

Listen, this is just five dates, okay?

Now look, I don't believe in astrology either,

although I am a Pisces,

but I do believe in sex, mischief, and romance,

and this is just the place for all of that.

Especially the sex part, which you need. Badly.

Jay, we don't need men to make us feel whole.

- We've got-- - Look, PiPi,

I know you must have all types of shit stored up

that you can't deal with.

Like how I'm obviously Mum's favourite,

even though you are the firstborn.

- What? - Don't you ever think about

how much Mum and Dad sacrificed?

Of course I do.

So this would mean a hell of a lot to them.

And we only just so happen to be in the perfect place

to kick this off. Be right back.

Jay, this party is proper Welwyn.

There's no way my soulmate's gonna be here.

- I really hope he is. - Pia?

If only to keep your parents from twigging about the studio.

"Business is booming"?

- Look who it is! Akshay Dham. - Hello, Pia.

- Dham! Darl! Oh. - Hi.

It's been a while. You're looking well.

- And you. - You still working for my mum?

Yes, well, what can I say?

I got caught in her orbit, couldn't escape.

Your mother has the gravitational pull of...

Uranus?

I... need to check the flowers.

- I will assist you. - I need to come as well.

- I'm coming. I'm coming! - No, no, no! You stay.

Try and... enjoy.

- That was subtle. - Yeah.

First time being ambushed at a wedding?

I'm a single brown man in my 30s.

This is not my first rodeo.

You do have that desirable bachelor feel about you.

That will get aunties on the case.

The ones with the daughters, right?

- Daughters. Occasionally sons. - Hmm!

I was at a wedding in Harrow the other week.

The aunties there were very progressive.

Hmm!

I'm actually gonna make my escape.

I have a pile of marking due tomorrow morning.

Gotcha. I would avoid that corner.

- Good shout. - Yeah.

- Good luck. - Thank you. Yeah.

Thank you, Pia.

Hey.

- Hey! - How's it going?

- Hey. Yeah, good. - Good to see you.

- You, too. Long time. - Yeah.

What are you doing here? Wedding security?

Oh, no, I am the best man, actually.

- Yeah. - Surely you know that, right?

- Yeah, I forgot. - You forgot?

- How are you? - I'm good. I'm good.

Um, still at the restaurant in Welwyn.

Changed the whole menu.

We're doing Pan-Asian fusion mixed with European fine dining.

It's going well.

Makes a lot of sense cos you love exotic flavours.

Bit of spice.

Sorry, not sari!

Okay. Did you, uh...

Did you come alone tonight, or did you bring someone?

No, no, brought a close friend.

I feel bad, he doesn't really know anyone.

- Pia! - Is that him there?

Yeah, yeah, that's him.

- Poor guy. - Yeah.

I've never seen him look so depressed in his life.

So how are you?

I heard that you've got your own photography studio in Hackney.

It's literally, like, what you've always wanted.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

I'm sure that degree in Renaissance Literature's

really coming in handy.

Yeah, well, I've heard that you can't seem to shake

your overwhelming urge to date red-heads.

Charlie! Charlie!

- Hey. - This is amazing.

- Yeah. - So sorry I'm late.

I definitely was not watching Love Island.

Heh-hey!

This is Pia. Pia, this is Lily.

- Hi. - Hi. Hey, I'm... I'm Pia.

Oh, bring it in!

You look amazing!

Thank you. So do you.

We're just catching up. Pia's an old friend.

Do you mind giving us five minutes?

- Yeah, sure. - Is that all right?

- I'll go to the bar. - Cool.

- See ya. - Thanks, Lily.

- Wow, she's-- - Big Love Island fan, yeah.

Wait! Look at you.

Just so you know,

me and Lily, we just met, actually.

She's just... incredibly affectionate.

Yeah, I bet she is.

This isn't really going exactly how I imagined it would.

How did you imagine it?

Look at you two!

Maid of honour and best man catching up.

Oh, isn't it brilliant?

I understand it's a bit weird and it's been a long time,

but I thought it would be a good opportunity to catch up,

spend some time together like we used to.

Yeah, I'd love that. You, me, Lily, it'll be great.

Well, I haven't asked, but she might be into it.

Ha-ha. Very funny. Threesome jokes.

You kind of left me no choice, though.

I'm, uh... I'm gonna get another drink.

One minute he's like,

"I wanna support you. You could be independent."

And then you know what? They just leave.

Hmm! Case in point.

Hey!

I'm having fun!

Good morning, Princess PiPi.

So, how'd it go with Charlie?

Oh...

It's not good.

He's dating Love Island's biggest fan.

I will wrestle anyone for that title.

Charlie's moved on.

Well, maybe it's time you did, too.

Okay.

Where's my phone?

Send.

Hey, Dad, how's it going?

Ah, Beta, I've arranged a date for you, huh,

with a son of a Bombay bigwig.

I don't care about appearances. What's he like?

What's he like? He's rich.

He'll be able to look after you, set up a studio.

I'm texting you the address.

I've gotta go, darling. Gotta run. See you later.

And good luck and let me know how it goes, huh? Okay.

Bye.

- Get this. - Hmm?

My dad has set me up with some loaded nepo baby.

- Ooh, he's rich? - Apparently so.

Right, if you end up liking this guy,

all of our problems go away.

The studio is saved and I can start earning minimum wage.

This way.

Why are you not rich like me?

Ah! Homeless!

Ah, the poor, they smell!

Hello!

Huh?

Hi.

Pia! Oh, darling.

I am Sid. It is an absolute pleasure...

for you to meet me.

Would you like a drink?

Sure, what are you drinking?

I have devised a special drink in your honour.

It is a bit of spicy rum, a bit of pineapple,

orange juice and a bit of turmeric.

Because you're very spicy yourself.

And I call it a Pia colada.

Because your name is Pia.

- Yeah. - And piña colada.

It's wordplay.

- See what you did there. - Yeah.

- Please. - Thank you.

Wow, you've got servants?

Yeah, don't worry about that. Take a... take a sip.

Ease some of those blind-date nerves.

- Mmm. - Mmm!

- Cheers! - Cheers.

No, seriously, you've got servants?

You know, "servants" is such a loaded word.

These people, they're like my family.

Sundha here,

he used to bathe me when I was just a little bambino.

- Aw! - You know?

He has seen nooks and crannies of my body

that no one on this Earth has seen.

- Hey, Sundha. - Ah! Sundha!

- He doesn't touch. - It's okay.

But really family.

- I get it. - Yeah.

- It's hard with family. - Mm-hmm.

Like sometimes, my mum... when she's...

I just wanna call her a bitch.

Sometimes you have to. I call my mum a bitch all the time.

Yeah.

I don't actually, though. I'm just joking.

I don't... I don't do that to my mum.

Yeah, same. No, I'd never do that.

- It's... Mummy. - Yeah.

Okay. Um, where are you from?

Me? I'm from here, there, everywhere.

You know, I went to international school.

- Oh! - But we would summer in Mumbai.

Have you been?

No, but, uh, my sister and I,

we grew up watching all the Bollywood movies.

- Mm-hmm. - We'd re-enact them together.

"Yeh haath humko de de Thakur."

- Hmm... - Or, um, "Martin, you bastard!"

Mmm... I'm not really into Bollywood. It's very tacky.

- Oh. - I'm more into Western cinema.

The classics, you know. Like Speed and Speed 2.

I was listening to a podcast on the way here,

- um, how the soundtracks-- - Shh!

Oh, my God, Pia.

The cheekbones. I've just noticed.

You have the face of a goddess.

Please tell me your contour regime.

I-I don't have a regime.

It's natural?!

- Yeah. - Oh, my God.

Pia, I would literally stab a baby in the throat

to have your bone structure.

That's... really intense.

Okay, Pia, let's get down to the nitty-gritty.

Enough foreplay.

Let's jump into bed.

Tell me about the Ninth Mandala.

You know my studio?

Of course. And let me tell you something, Pia.

I... want... to... invest... in... you.

- What?! Really? - Yeah.

I thought this was a date. I'm sorry.

It is.

Well, it kind of feels like The Apprentice.

Well, if they are, then, "You're hired!"

It's what he does on the show.

Um, I'm just gonna go and... freshen up.

I'm gonna go wash my hands.

Yeah, the toilet is just... Um, Pia?

Are you doing a number one or a number two?

Excuse me?

Are you going for a pee, Pia? It's wordplay.

No, you probably don't even do number twos.

Your poos are probably lovely,

like little unicorn, beautiful things.

Uh, house rules.

Only I'm allowed to do number twos.

Sorry, it's kind of a control issue thing. I'm working on it.

So, you're definitely not gonna go for a number two, yeah?

- Promise me? - I'm just gonna wash my hands.

- Right. - No intentions of taking a shit.

- Well, enjoy then. - Thank you.

- See you soon. - Yeah, you too.

Thanks. Upstairs to the right?

Won't be long.

Where's the switch?

I'm just trying to find the light.

Oh.

Light off.

Lights on.

Oh, okay. I think I got it.

Toilet paper on.

Uh, tissues. Arse wipes!

Oh! Shit.

Stop!

Is everything okay?

Yeah, everything's fine.

Oh! There you are, Pia.

You were gone for so long, I missed you.

Beautiful bathroom.

I've gotta bounce. But this has been great.

Pia, what are you talking about, bounce? Are you a bloody ball?

- What are you talking about? - That's funny. But I have to go.

I haven't even told you my proposal yet.

Please, just give me five minutes. Sit.

Silly girl. Okay, so...

I will give you all the money that you're looking for.

And in return, all I want is for you to be my wife.

Huh?

Not like a proper wife, of course.

We will be married legally, prenup.

But no kissing, no touching, no hugging.

I hate human contact, I'll be honest with you.

And all I require from you is three events every six months.

Just be on my arm as my pretty little thing.

Okay? So, do we have a deal?

- Uh, no. - Pia, don't be silly.

This is a no-brainer.

- Get the contract! - No, it's not happening!

Do you know who I am?

Yeah, I know who you are!

You are nothing but a man-child, pearl-wearing nepo baby.

And your wordplay, I'm sorry, it's shit.

And I... I can say no to whoever the fuck I want, okay?

- And I poop every morning. - Pia, did you poo in my toilet?

- How dare you, Pia? - Shit.

You know what? With that kind of attitude,

you will never find love!

What's going on? Where's everyone going?

Sundha, come back here!

What is going on? What is this?

This is what I was saying. Hurry up! Help me!

Don't touch me! Don't touch me!

I know you did a poo, Pia.

Hi, Dad.

- How did it go? - I trashed his apartment.

- Huh? - Dad, I can't believe

you set me up with someone using seeking matches.

- I thought you knew him. - Come on, darling.

He's the heir of a billion-dollar shipping company.

You'll never want for anything.

Okay. That's deeply touching,

Dad, but I've gotta go.

It's not the vibe. Son's calling. Bye.

Hey, Son.

Pia, sorry to dive straight in,

- but it's about the party favours. - The what?

Page 16. "Maid-of-honour and best-man duties."

Charlie is in town tomorrow.

He can stop by your studio, you two can discuss.

Charlie's coming? Son, are you hell-bent

on making this as embarrassing for me as possible?

Pia, he's changed. Can you just give him a chance?

For me?

Yeah. Yeah, I... I'll do it.

What's going on?

We really need to find customers to start making some money.

We're in a crisis situation.

Hi, Mum.

I've got an exciting date for you!

Mum, can you... can you bring the phone lower?

Better?

- Yeah, perfect. - I'm texting you the details.

No, Mum, please, just enough with the dates at the moment.

- Just go and be nice. Bye! - Bye.

Oh, video call.

Do you think the Janampatri thing is fake?

For sure. But I'm all for it, cos it gets you dating.

- Who's next? - I don't know.

Some complete rando my mum set me up with

who's probably addicted to golfing and gaming and porn.

Ugh.

It's not gonna be romantic, trust me.

Oh, pish, just do what I do.

Cup his balls, finger up the bum and breathe on his neck.

Romance is sure to follow.

Well, it is a beautiful day,

and it looks like I'm going to Hampstead Heath

- for my second date. - Oh, interesting choice.

Hey!

Pia?

Oh, my God! What a coincidence.

What are you doing here?

I'm on a blind date, actually.

- Me too. - Oh!

- Yeah. - Oh.

Mum.

Oh, dear God. Okay.

Oh, God.

- Hi. - Hey.

- Is this weird? - Yeah.

Yeah, um, do you mind?

- Cos, honestly, I could... - No, it's...

actually going much better than I thought it would.

Okay, great.

- Let's go for a walk. Yeah? - Yeah.

- You look great, by the way. - Thank you. So do you.

Yeah, that's great. You look great.

Got enough light?

Or will you just up the exposure a bit?

Bit of a fellow traveller, are we, Akshay?

I dabble a bit.

Which is embarrassing to admit to you.

Why?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe because I'm not very good

and you're unbelievably talented.

That's a very sweet thing to say.

Oh. Maybe, but it's also true.

So, what's it like working with my mum?

She talks about you quite a lot.

Oh, I'm sorry.

She doesn't half go on, I know.

Hey, don't say that.

Your mum's great company.

We've actually got a mini book club going.

What? Shut up! Mum doesn't read.

After one sentence, she slips into a deep coma.

She reads.

Yeah, I've been thinking about her comments

on The Count of Monte Cristo all week.

She thinks that Mademoiselle Eugénie

is a gay icon.

- Mum said that? - Yeah. She's very insightful.

Can I take your bag?

You're like a 50-year-old stuck in a 30-year-old's body.

Look at you. It's really cute.

Thank you.

We can't all be as effortlessly cool as you, I guess.

Ah, well, I know!

This is a great spot for a picnic.

Shame I didn't bring anything. Oh, no, tell a lie.

Ah, yeah, nice!

Keeping it geriatric with the butter candy.

I like them.

Well...

May I offer you...

- some strawberries? - Oh.

And, and...

some...

chocolate fudge brownies?

Thank you.

Mmm. Mmm!

Right?

- Oh, they're good. - Yeah?

And they're even better with coffee.

Mmm.

- Mm-mm. - No?

Do you want a... strawberry?

No?

Not a fruit guy, huh?

My thr... my throat's...

Oh, my God, what's up?

Are there... are there nuts?

I'm... I'm allergic to nu... to nuts.

Oh, shit.

Um, okay, uh... uh...

Help! Someone, help!

Um, hello! He's allergic to nuts!

Does anyone know what to do?! What do I do, Akshay?!

- My bag. It's in my bag. - The bag.

The bag. Okay. Um...

Okay. Um...

Um...

- What am I looking for?! - Front.

In the front.

Ah, got it!

Um, I don't know how to use this thing.

Ready? Your leg? In the leg?

I don't want to. I don't think it's a good idea.

I'm not a professional. And I'm not great with needles.

Wait, Akshay, no...

Oh! Oh, my God.

He's okay. He's gonna be fine.

"See? I'm fine."

You're welcome, Akshay.

Oh, God.

Akshay, I'm so sorry.

I feel awful.

How's your eye?

Oh, God.

Well, no one's ever tried to kill me on a date before.

Well, I've never saved someone's life on a date before.

So, we're calling this a date, then?

Do you think they're happier, more relaxed?

Than we were, I mean?

Maybe they're just better with dealing with it.

I, however... not so much.

Well, I'm so surprised to hear you say that.

Honestly, I would have thought, growing up with your mum,

it would have been so much easier.

She's so cool. She gets it.

No, not really.

Well, as someone that spends a lot of time with your mother,

let me tell you that you're very similar.

You're a beautiful, strong, independent woman,

and you don't need to--

Laxmi, wait.

- You just said-- - No, I didn't.

Yeah, you did.

You just said my mum's name.

Yeah, I-I did. Um, I'm sorry, that was an accident.

Listen, no nuts, what the fuck is going on?!

W-We go for coffee sometimes.

- Okay, how often? - Every other day?

Well, every day, actually,

and... and, uh, dinner sometimes.

And then what?

Well, there's book club.

Who else is in this book club?

- Well, no one. - What?!

Akshay, that is not a club!

Okay, your mother is an astonishing woman.

And so are you, so are you.

But I see the woman.

The kindness, the wit, the joie de vivre.

She's inspirational.

Oh, fuck, I'm in love with her.

No, no, no!

You stabbed him?

The man gave a whole new meaning to the term "mummy issues".

But, just to be clear, you stabbed him?

Jay, he said my mum's name.

Straight people are such messed-up, filthy deviants.

Jeez.

There are so many wedding events.

And I've got another date.

Are you sure you're okay to hold the fort?

Yeah, I think I'll be all right.

Uh-oh.

- What? - Uh, look busy.

Hey.

- All right? - Hi.

This a good time? Sonal texted you, said I was coming.

Yeah, we're just taking a break.

- Cos long day, very busy. - Hmm.

You know, big order for some prints of a...

Vintage porn.

Would you like a tea or coffee, mate?

Uh, I'll take a coffee, please. Espresso if you can.

Espresso, no problem. Coming right up.

- I've got you these. - Oh.

From the restaurant.

My pastry chef's a bit of a wizard, so they're good.

Wow, thank you.

You wanna, uh, show me around?

Yeah, sure. The, uh, the studio's this way.

This is the space.

Wow. This is stunning.

- Yeah, you like it? - I do.

I really do.

I feel like I could take a thousand pictures

and I wouldn't be able to get that look.

Hmm. It's my favourite, too.

You know...

I kind of thought that she would be more your vibe.

- You know what I'm saying? - Yeah.

I actually think I took her to Nando's once.

No, you didn't. Did you?

- How do you do it? - What?

Take such good photos. How do you do it?

Oh, you know, I have a... I have a process.

- Do mine. - Yeah, okay.

Um...

How do I look?

Yeah, that's better. You look... you look lovely.

Wow, those eyebrows.

Mental as ever.

- Thank you. - Cheers.

Do you pluck them?

No, I, uh, I don't pluck them.

- Wax them? - I don't wax them either.

But if I don't trim them for three, four weeks,

I start to look like...

You know the Swedish Chef from The Muppets?

- I'm familiar. - It's not good.

It's lucky you run a restaurant, then!

Okay, I'm just gonna go and... do something else.

Just, um... relax.

Is your boyfriend here?

Boyfriend is kind of strong a word.

I'm dating a few different people.

Yeah, just exploring opportunities, you know.

I see.

What, you jealous or something?

- What did you say? - I said,

can I ask you a question?

Sure, you can ask me a question.

- Why are you here? - Party favours.

Why didn't you call me? Why come all the way here?

I wanted to see you.

- Why? - Why do you think?

You tell me, I'm asking.

- Because... - Because?

Because I still think about you, Pia.

That's my process.

I just ask questions and it just draws out a reaction,

and you get a really authentic photo.

You drew that out, you're not gonna respond?

Guys, guys! Sorry.

Look what... look what I just found.

Pia...

- Um... - Sorry, shall I come back?

No, no, no. No, no. Um...

Yeah, I forgot about these.

Is that you and Sonal?

Yeah, yeah.

Actually, Jay, you've given me an idea

- for the party favours. - Go on.

We should do a little photo album.

Photos of the bride and groom from childhood to present.

- Cute, I like it. - Yeah, easy.

And then we can do disposable cameras.

The guests can take photos

and we put them together in a wedding album.

Charlie, you can do Sam's photos?

Sure.

I'll do Sonal's. It'll be great.

Yeah. Nice one. It's a good idea.

- Yay, we did it! - Yay!

- We are go, team. - Wahey!

Whoo!

- Charlie! - Yeah.

No, it's a really good idea.

There's a lot of people,

so I figure the costs are gonna add up

and I just wanted to say

I'm very happy to cover the finances.

Aw, Charlie, that's nice.

I mean, it's fine. We'll, uh, we'll cover it ourselves.

Well, Pia, he's just...

Sonal did write in her wedding bible

that we should do this together.

That's very generous of you.

I just... I think it's easier if I maybe do this on my own.

I insist.

Well, she's kind of my sister,

and I'm willing to commit sacrilege on the Holy Bible.

And, uh, yeah, I think I'll just... I'll call her.

- She's pretty changeable. - She's not the only one.

Ooh.

I didn't mean it like that. I just...

It's cool.

I'll see you at the wedding.

Cool.

- Bye, Charlie. - Yep.

Oh, you are a people person, aren't you?

There was a lot of subtext in that interaction.

I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

Yeah, me, too. I don't wanna talk about Charlie anymore.

I just wanna... live in the moment.

- Mm-hmm. - Got another date.

- Mm! - Number three.

♪ But I won't hesitate ♪

- ♪ No more ♪ - Okay, your date.

- Ugh, Sonal. - No, no, no, no.

He has just opened his own yoga and spiritual retreat.

♪ I'm yours ♪

That's him, Milo.

No! That's Milo Boner, your actor friend.

It's pronounced "Bonn-er".

He was in that all-white adaptation of Hamilton.

Look, he's really excited to meet you. Can you just be nice?

- He is kind of cute. - He's really cute.

♪ It's our godforsaken right to be loved ♪

♪ Loved, loved, yeah ♪

- Okay. I'm doing this for you. - For me?

- Hi, guys. - Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Hey. - Sonal, so lovely to see you.

Thank you so much for setting this up.

- Oh, of course. - Yeah.

Have you met my sister? This is Pia.

- Hi. - Hey, Pia.

Hi. Are you ready to try some yoga today?

Yeah. Yoga with a side of cultural appropriation?

Okay, everybody, thank you so much.

If you'd like to come and join us.

Wow.

He's on, like, a way higher plane than everyone else.

Some guys have it.

His chi is, like, through the roof.

It's really impressive, Lily.

Oh, thanks, babe!

Okay, we're gonna start with some breathing exercises

and some poses.

And then...

we're gonna learn how to fly.

I'd like you to raise up your right foot.

Find balance.

Find peace.

We're strong, like an ox.

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, my God.

- Charlie, brother, are you okay? - I'm... I'm good, "brother".

- Did you break anything? - Maybe the chair.

I'm fine. Just had a little tumble.

Hey, listen, man. You can sit this one out.

I know that yoga can be real tricky for beginners.

No, no, I'm... ready to yoga.

Yeah, I think we need to find peace.

Don't think I've found it.

We'll take our hands in prayer.

- Feel better? - So much.

- I can see that. - Hmm.

- Thank you, Milo. - Thank you. Okay.

Uh, so let's reconnect

with our breathing.

♪ Open up your heart ♪

♪ Like a lotus ♪

♪ Let it bloom ♪

So, what do you think?

Well, he's got some interesting ideas.

Hmm.

And he's really confident. I like that.

- Hmm. - I like that.

No man emerges perfect straight out of the box.

Do you think Sam was like that when we first met?

Oh, God, no. I had to whip him into shape.

- Really? - Hey, my love.

- Hi. - Are you good?

- Oh, thank you. - That's all right, baby.

- Pia, would you like one? - I'm fine.

- You sure? - Yeah.

- Okay. - Yeah.

- I'll see you. - See you.

Come on, give him a chance.

- Yeah. - Yeah?

- Yeah, okay. - Okay.

Do you mind if I give you this?

- Oh. Yeah. Sure. - Yeah, sure.

Thanks.

Wow. Fans?

- Friends. - Yeah.

It's, uh, very beautiful.

Thank you.

- To ending it all. - Sorry, what?

If we give up everything,

all we're left with is ourselves.

Milo, um, yeah, let's...

That's great. I just would love to get to know you.

Like, what, um...

Tell me about Milo. What does Milo like?

What's your favourite movie?

- Eat, Pray, Love. - Of course it is.

Okay, let me ask you a question.

You want me to change your life?

- Sure. - Great. Come on.

- Now? - Right now.

Okay.

I think that we should walk on that.

What? No!

- No, no, no. No. - Why?

- Does it frighten you? - Yeah, it does!

No, Pia, it's just all in the mind, I promise you.

Yeah, well, that's exactly what I'm feeling.

My mind is, like, terrified right now.

That's exactly why we should do it. Trust me, Pia.

When you're on the coals, we relinquish fear,

we relinquish the past, we relinquish the future.

It's just us--

And the two burning stumps where my feet used to be.

- It's a hot-coal ceremony! - No!

You're gonna love it!

So long as you don't stop, keep moving,

it will be the most transcendental feeling.

It's life changing.

Oprah did it.

- It was pretty good. - Pia, it's your time.

- Now?! - Now. Right now.

Now is the moment.

Yeah, okay.

Step into your new life.

- I don't wanna do it! - Hey!

- Okay, okay, you can do this. - Okay.

Just walk and trust the process.

Okay.

Yeah!

Oh, my God!

- Yeah, great. - I kissed the yoga teacher!

That was, um...

- That was pretty impressive. - Thank you.

I didn't really think you had it in you, to be honest.

He's just such a special guy.

I guess he... he just brought it out of me.

Yeah, he is special. So very special.

I was just coming over to say we're gonna head off,

so if you wanted a lift, I'd be happy to take you.

Oh, no, no. I have a train booked for later.

I don't wanna get in the way of you two lovebirds.

I'm just gonna stay here and...

take in the space, soothe my chakras.

Enjoy.

Thank you.

- Hey, sunbeam. - Hey, you.

Oh, Milo, I cannot thank you enough.

- Oh... - Look at me!

- Yeah. - I feel so liberated.

You're glowing.

I would have never, ever have done anything like that. Ever.

As sure as the Earth is round...

No, well, this is what I've been trying to tell people.

Let's do it together. Let's spread the word.

- You agree? - I totally agree.

That the Earth isn't round?

Oh, I see, Mr Technical!

Um, it's, uh... it's spherical.

No. Well, no, no, it isn't spherical either, no.

Then what is it?

The Earth is flat, Pia.

The science is incredibly clear on that.

You're... joking?

So, what about all of those photos from space?

Fake.

- So, space is-- - Fake, yes.

It's a conspiracy

that is spread by mainstream media and the government

to keep us from the truth.

I see.

Is there alcohol in this?

- Yeah. - Great.

Oh, fuck!

I'll be right back.

- Charlie, wait! - No! Where are you going?

He is outside of his mind.

I guess all we have at the end of the day is art, you know.

♪ Futures made of virtual insanity ♪

I appreciate the effort, but...

- Bye. - No, no!

♪ Of our new technology ♪

♪ Oh, now there is no sound ♪

♪ Cos she thinks the Earth is round, oh ♪

Thanks for the lift.

No problem.

- You seem a little... - What?

Withdrawn.

Just driving.

It's just that spending so much time with you recently

has made me think about how we used to be.

- Charlie? - Mm-hmm?

We both knew I wanted to move to London.

You knew it was my dream.

- It was your dream, yeah. - You can't always put it on me.

I'm not putting it all on you. We just had a plan.

To get back together again after you graduated from uni.

- Remember? - But we were 18.

Yeah, we were 18, and we promised to meet up

after you graduated, on your 21st birthday,

in Welwyn, remember?

I know! I remember! But we weren't really in touch anymore!

We weren't, but I still went.

And I waited.

Outside of WH Smith in Welwyn, just as we planned.

Well, I wrote to you every day in my first year.

You weren't willing to leave Welwyn. You made that clear.

You knew about my dad and the restaurant!

I couldn't leave him high and dry!

You couldn't deal with the fact I didn't want to go to uni!

- You're being mean. - I'm not being mean.

It was your choice.

What are we doing, then? It's unresolvable.

All I know is we had a plan and I stuck to it,

and you never turned up.

Well, what about you?

You never visited me the whole time I was at uni, did you?

Right here's fine for me, too, actually.

Oh, my God.

Sorry, Lily, I... I completely forgot you were there.

Listen, this thing you two have,

and believe me when I say it's definitely a thing,

it needs sorting out.

Personally, I think you guys would make a really cute couple.

Pia, just wait. Pia!

One, two, three, four.

Walk, two, three, four.

Pose. Pose.

Okay, that was much better. Much better. Beautiful.

P, what happened with Milo?

We just had, um, a difference of opinion

on some fundamental stuff.

It didn't look like that when you were eating his face.

Sorry, Mum.

Is that true, Beta? Were you eating his face?

No, Mum. I was kissing him. Like...

What's going on with Charlie?

- Yeah. - Nothing.

- No vibes? - No, Son, he is exhausting.

I feel bad for these boys, Pia. You're too picky.

- Hmm! - Not true!

Look at Akshay. Such a wonderful boy.

Did... did you eat his face?

No, Mum, I didn't eat his face.

Why didn't you eat his face? Something wrong with his face?

No, Christ, Mum, I don't know why I didn't eat Akshay's face.

She doesn't know what she wants.

That's why she needs us to guide her.

Can you not talk about me like I'm not sitting right here?

- God, you're so touchy. - Hmm! So touchy.

- Hmm. - I'm gonna go get a drink.

Can you make sure her husband's name is hidden in there?

Mum, these dates, they are all nonsense.

Beta, shh.

The guy that Dad set me up with, Sid or whatever his name is,

he's actually just this business billionaire swinger

looking for his next business partner.

And you know what, Son? Your guy, Milo,

I'm sorry, he is a simple-minded buffoon

- that thinks the Earth is flat. - I didn't know!

And, Mum, I'm sorry, but you know Akshay,

he is in love with someone else. And it's with you!

Have you no shame? You'll say anything to make your point.

Um, Pia, chill, okay?

- What? - It's time to stop.

No, stop telling me to chill! I am chill!

I'm just telling the truth! At least I'm authentic

and not living through some brown woman's Instagram.

- What? - Oh, that is not fair, Pia.

Mum, you are constantly photographing yourself with Dad

to pretend you are just some perfect couple,

15 years after your divorce.

Why do you do it?

Is it to show everyone at home that you're winning at life?

- We didn't win. - Don't get me involved.

Well, I didn't win. I lost a dad.

He left and he never really came back. And whose fault is that?

Pia, stop. You've overstepped.

I overstepped? Cos I'm a complete disaster

and this is just the latest thing on the long list of things

that I've screwed up.

- Stop. - And what's next?

The studio's probably gonna go bankrupt and that'll be that.

- What are you talking about? - Nothing.

The studio is a success, Beta.

Pia, why didn't you tell me? I would have helped.

How would you have helped me?

By dragging me back to suburban hell?

Oh, my God.

You are such a self-involved, difficult, spoilt prick!

- I'm spoilt?! - Hmm.

How is this for spoiled?!

This is my wedding.

I don't know if you've noticed,

but I am marrying Sam because I love him.

I'm not embarrassed or ashamed by it.

But you, you don't care about anyone but yourself.

I want you to leave.

You know what?

Why don't you give the wedding day a miss too?

I don't want your party favours.

Send me an invoice.

- I'll pay you. - Beta...

I don't want any favours from you.

Oh. I got this.

Beta.

Beta.

- Let me just change lenses. - Ah, it's gonna be so good!

Look.

Do you like it?

How'd it go at the henna party?

Oh, well, um...

Let's see. I insulted my mum,

my sister kicked me out, quite literally,

and she doesn't wanna talk to me anymore.

So, I'm not invited to the wedding.

So, it was great. Couldn't have gone worse.

Right. Well, we got this today.

Well, this is perfect. Perfect timing.

Everything in my life is falling apart

and I have no idea what I'm doing, so--

How much for passport photos?

We don't do passport photos.

- This is a photo shop, innit? - No, it's not. It's a...

Take it easy.

It's a portrait studio.

Have you... have you never been to one before?

- Not really. - Okay.

Um, come in. Come in, I'll show you.

Come, come, come.

Sit down.

People think that a photo is taken with a camera.

But it's not.

Okay, technically, it is. Um, sorry, let me start again.

I'm not very good at this. Um...

But I am good at taking photos.

I'm really good, actually.

Taking photos is about capturing beauty.

Whatever that might mean to you.

And when you take a photo, you capture light.

You pluck it straight from the sky.

And...

I guess when I take a photo, I like to bring out the light

from whoever's in front of my lens.

And then people are always like, "Take my photo, take my photo."

But I can't take something that isn't mine.

It's something that we do together.

Something that doesn't exist unless we're both there.

Like a conversation, or a relationship.

- Do you know what I mean? - Yeah.

Taking a photo is about capturing

a single moment in time and making it live forever.

So, yeah... we don't do passport photos.

All right, everyone take some postcards,

and give them to your friends and family,

and tell them that you visited the studio

that was once called the Ninth Mandala.

Okay, guys, thanks so much for popping by.

Feel free to follow us on Instagram

at Ninth Mandala underscore Pia.

Okay, and we will let you know

when your photos are ready to collect.

What?

That was amazing.

This place was supposed to be amazing.

I'm sorry I let you down, JJ. I'm gonna go back to bed.

Pia, don't ignore my texts, Beta.

I need to talk to you. This is important.

Your sister's wedding is at 3:00pm on Sunday.

Are you going to be there?

Hey, baby, it's me.

Look, I know your mum's horrible,

and I totally understand why you're avoiding her,

but just checking you'll be there, 3:00pm on Sunday.

Can you come early for group photographs?

Hello, calling from Direct Collection Bailiffs.

We tried repeatedly to get in touch with you

about your unpaid debt, but unfortunately...

No, go away.

Not a chance.

Oh, my... God.

Morning.

Hi.

Right.

Well, you look and smell rank.

Thanks, Jay. I'm so glad you came here to tell me that.

Listen, stinky, I'm not here to bring you back to life.

I'm here because I miss you!

What are you doing?

Fuggaji said that you go on five dates.

You've had three.

Feast your eyes on date four.

It's Jay!

Yes, you stink,

but I'm still excited to go on a date with you.

I can't, Jay.

Yes, you can.

Whoop! Look, come on,

I've brought all your favourite things for breakfast.

Pizza, chocolate and champag-na.

What kind of pizza?

Well, it's actually your favourite. Anchovy.

- Stuffed crust? - Yeah, obviously.

Why don't you go and brush your teeth?

Do you think I'm being a spoilt brat?

You have enough people telling you what you should be, okay?

I'm just here to get wasted and laugh

and help you let off a little bit of steam.

It's time to get mash-up.

Jay, I haven't seen one of these bad boys in years.

- Mm-hmm. - You got a light?

- You don't have a light? - You didn't bring a light?

No!

Hang on, I have an old trick from uni.

What do you mean, "a trick from uni"?

I just need you to get...

There's a battery in the top drawer.

A battery?

What the...

Oh.

Right, so this is what brings you back from the dead?

- Oh, I know, right? - The arsonist in you?

Ooh!

Your hair's on fire!

Oh, my God, my hair! Jay!

I've let everyone down, JJ.

My mum, Son, you.

Did I ever tell you how I came out to my mum?

Yeah.

Didn't you do that PowerPoint presentation?

Mm-hmm.

It's not very original.

Yes, it was!

I literally projected images of queer icons onto the wall.

But what I didn't tell you

was that after I finished my amazing presentation,

Mum stood up and said, "I've got a chicken to put in the oven."

Then she just walked out.

- That's it? That's all she said? - Mm-hmm.

And I was so stressed about what she thought about me

that I didn't bring it up again.

Until about a year later,

I was going out on what would have been my first date,

and I just told her about him.

And she...

She took my hand and she put three ten-pound notes in it.

She kissed me.

And she told me she was proud of me.

Then she told me to have the time of my life.

What's wrong with me?

Look, come here. Come on.

Hmm!

Sometimes, Pia, we have to take a risk.

Even if it's scary.

You have a lot of people in your corner, Pia.

You just gotta let them in.

And eventually, your mum and your sister,

they will understand.

And until then, you've always got me.

You knew this was gonna be the best date, didn't you?

You were quietly confident.

Mm-hmm.

Thank you. I'm lucky to have you.

Whoo!

Come on, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. Pick up!

What, Jay?

- You're an overnight sensation. - Excuse me?

Remember those kids from yesterday?

- Yeah. - Look out your window.

They filmed your speech.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, it has 400,000 views and counting.

They're here for the studio?

Yes. Can you please just get your bum downstairs?

Because we need to open up.

Okay. We are gonna need some help.

Uh, Jim? Jimothy?

- Yeah? - Right, do you want a job?

- Oh, yes, please. - Okay, brilliant.

Okay, so you're gonna go inside,

find some of my clothes, they're in the bathroom.

Put them on, and then we're gonna open up

in about five minutes.

- Is that all right? - Uh, yeah.

- Okay, right, go. - Amazing.

- Go on, in. Okay. - Thank you.

Thanks, guys. Five minutes.

- Hi. - Hi!

- Welcome. - Jay.

- Come on in. - I can't believe it!

There she is. Can I get a picture?

Um... sure.

Excuse me, can I talk to you about buying the print,

Akshay After the Shot?

Yeah.

Also, do you offer any kind of, like, photography classes,

or anything like that?

- Yes. - Yes!

- We do. Hi. - Great!

I will ask our colleague, Jimothy... Jim? Jim?

...to take your details.

I need to book some photos of my wife, in-laws and dogs.

Okay, right, sure.

- Isn't it incredible? - Yes, it is, Jim.

You need to go round and collect everyone's details

- for a mailing list. Okay? - Yes, yes. Right, yes.

- Are you ready? - For what?

The wedding.

No, Jay, she doesn't want me to be there.

I haven't even done the party favours.

Course she wants you to be there.

You're her sister and her best friend.

And don't worry about the party favours.

- I've sorted it. - What have you done?

You'll see when you get there.

Now can you go and get ready, please?

I will look after this place with Jim,

and I will meet you there later.

- I'm gonna go and get ready. - You go. Go. Jim?

We are winging it. Let's do it.

Sam!

Sorry. Can we talk?

Now?

I'm looking for Sonal. I really, really need to talk to her.

Look, I know you guys had a fight.

I also know it'll be okay.

You two can't go a day without talking to each other.

She'll be happy you're here.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

You and Charlie did a really great job on these, Pia.

They're stunning.

Charlie made sure Sonal knew how hard you worked on them.

Thank you.

They're so beautiful.

Charlie.

Yeah.

You know he always wanted to go with you to London.

But his family needed him.

He's never stopped thinking about you, though.

I know.

Aw!

This is so good.

It's really lovely work.

Thank you.

Well, um, I'll leave you to it.

Great. See you in a bit.

Shh!

Oh, shit.

Mum?

There's my phone.

Uh, I was just looking for it. I...

Oh... my God.

Uh, thank you, Akshay, for helping me find it.

Yes, of course, Lax. Uh...

I mean, um, Mrs Jaswani.

I'll, uh...

I'll tell the caterers that we've found it.

Um...

Lax is fine.

Okay, great.

- Uh, good to see you, Pia. - Yeah.

Well...

I think he's really good for you, Mum.

- You do? - Yeah, yeah, I do.

And he's really into you.

- Yeah. He is, isn't he? - Wow, Mum!

It's so great to see you so happy.

Yeah. Yeah, Beta, I-I am. I am happy.

I'm happy.

Oh, listen. I saw your thing on the internet.

- You spoke so beautifully, Pia. - Thanks, Mum.

- I get it from you and Nani. - Your nani was a force.

There just wasn't place for a woman like her

in that society.

But she would be so proud of you, Beta.

Hey, Mum! Come on.

I didn't even know what I was saying in that video.

I didn't even know I was being filmed.

I loved when you said, "Nothing unique can be created

unless two people take part."

It made me think of your dad and me.

Oh.

I don't think we should have got married.

You think?

But on the other hand, your dad and I made you and Sonal,

our beautiful daughters who bring us such joy,

- I... I can't even... - You should tell him that.

Maybe.

But that jhoota left me.

Hey! Mum, come on, we're having a nice moment.

And, yes, I have been very lonely.

But let me just say, Akshay has ignited my spirits...

- Yeah! - ...by making a raging fire

in what had become a very chilly place.

Okay, okay, Mum, that's too much information.

Point is, Akshay's attracted to me

precisely because I go my own way.

Mum, exactly. You deserve all the happiness.

And you? What do you deserve?

These are the keys to the security box.

The jewellery is now yours.

Mum...

I don't want to get married.

- Have you not been listening? - No!

What did I just say two seconds ago?

You said, um...

Oh, my God!

You said, uh, that marriage isn't for everyone.

Exactly right.

So take the jewellery, invest it in your photography,

and go and make a difference in the world.

- Oh, Beta! - I love you, Mum.

Oh, I love you too, Beta.

I love you, too.

And you... you ate his face.

Oh, I...

Yeah, I did.

Son?

I'm so sorry, Sonal.

I was stupid and selfish

and I really let you down.

You can be a massive arsehole.

Yeah, I'll give you that.

You're out in the world, doing remarkable things.

I just make it up as I go along.

You've got it figured out.

You bring people together, Son.

Well, I never got 150,000 views.

Uh, what about that time

you flashed your perfect arse on TikTok?

You know that wasn't intentional.

Girl, you brought joy to so many people!

The gifts you made, I love them.

- Yeah? - The little photograph books?

They're the best part of the wedding.

Time for enjoyment?

Full enjoyment!

- Let's have a family photo. - No, we're not doing this now.

That's it, Dad.

You've got enough photos to last a lifetime.

We're not keeping up appearances anymore.

She wants something real, Dad.

A photo with you, Sam, Son and Jane.

Where is that sweet girl of yours, Mukul?

Ah! Jane, come. Come on.

- I love you. - I know.

Come on, everybody. Let's all have a photo. Come on.

Everyone say, "Paneer!"

Paneer!

Pia! P, hon.

JJ! You made it!

Oh, Pia, we are booked up for the next three months.

- Shut up! - No, seriously.

It was absolutely insane.

- Really? - Yeah.

Jay, you are amazing.

None of this would have ever happened without you.

And hey, those party favours, saint-like!

You're welcome.

Sorry, but is your mum making moves?

Yeah. There's a lot that's happened

in the past three hours.

I'll have to update you.

Okay, well, I'm low-key obsessed with that.

- Me, too! - I'm gonna go and investigate.

So, Pia...

Hi.

Did you find the one?

No, Fuggaji, no, I didn't.

And I didn't even go on five dates.

Not yet.

But you will.

- Wait, Fuggaji. - Yes, Beti?

Why don't you put a vest on, it's getting a bit chilly.

Pia, baby.

- Hi, Dad. - Hi.

Shall we... dance?

Come on.

You know, I saw you on YouTube.

- Oh, no. - Yeah, yeah.

You're just like your mother.

You know...

Just this fierce self-belief.

I admire that.

You know, Laxmi and I, we've made some mistakes,

but...

...you are not one of them.

You just burn brightly, okay?

We're very proud of you.

Pia, you're going to light up this world.

Thanks, Dad.

- I've gotta go. - Okay.

You need to tell me now? Okay.

Oh.

Oh, no. I'm going with Milo, babe.

- I'm hungry. - Let's eat.

Charlie, I'm sorry. I... I've just gotta say this.

You know, I... I really fought for so...

- I'm-- - ...so long

about the kind of life that I wanted to have,

- and I was such an idiot. - I'm not gonna take long, but--

Seriously, Charlie, just let me say this.

I guess I thought being independent meant being alone.

But seeing you made me realise something.

I'm gonna call you back.

- Sorry, Pia. - Did you hear any of that?

I did.

You said seeing me again made you realise something.

And despite everything we've gone through, Charlie,

I can't shake this feeling.

And what feeling might that be?

That you're the one for me.

Always have been.

Always will be.

- Pia... - Yeah?

Staying in Welwyn was the hardest decision I've--

What are you doing?! We're having a moment!

We are, we are!

I'm just gonna do my bit.

- I'll be quick. - You have 60 seconds.

- Seriously? - Mm-hmm.

- Let's walk and talk, then. - And now 50.

When you left Welwyn and went to university,

I missed you a lot,

and I guess to distract myself from that,

I put everything I had into the restaurant.

Hmm.

And now the restaurant's doing really well.

And I'm doing really well. But I still miss you.

I'm never not missing you, Pia.

You know, I, uh... I close my eyes sometimes

and I just... I jump to the end credits

and there you are.

Pia Jaswani, romantic interest number 13?

- Fifteen, man. - Hmm.

- Fifteen's decent. - Yeah, I like 15.

- How long was that? - I stopped counting.

Charlie...

do you wanna go on a date with me?

I would love to.

- No vibes, eh? Hmm? - None.

Time for enjoyment?

Full enjoyment!

Charlie! All right, mate?

Hey, Jay.

- Busy in here. - Nice, isn't it?

Um, Pia's upstairs.

Hey, don't shoot!

Go on, give me some passion.

- This, right here... - Aw!

...is so cool.

The Sunday Times Magazine. Have you seen it yet?

No.

I haven't looked at it yet.

There she is.

It's so weird.

You look so good.

Oh. Anyway.

"Though still in her 20s,

her Instagram presence

and the community that has built up around her shop

have people in the photography establishment taking notice."

"Her grandmother would certainly be very proud."

I'm sure she would.

- Here. - Thank you.

Thank you.

♪ My love has got no money he's got his strong beliefs ♪

♪ My love has got no power he's got his strong beliefs ♪

♪ My love has got no fame he's got his strong beliefs ♪

♪ Want more and more people just want more and more ♪

♪ Freedom and love what he's looking for ♪

♪ Freed from desire mind and senses purified ♪

♪ Freed from desire ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na, na-na na-na-na, na-na ♪

♪ My love has got no money he's got his strong beliefs ♪

♪ My love has got no power he's got his strong beliefs ♪

♪ My love has got no fame he's got his strong beliefs ♪

♪ My love has got no money he's got his strong beliefs ♪

♪ Want more and more people just want more and more ♪

♪ Freedom and love what he's looking for ♪

♪ Want more and more people just want more and more ♪

♪ Freedom and love what he's looking for ♪

♪ Freed from desire mind and senses purified ♪

♪ Freed from desire mind and senses purified ♪

♪ Freed from desire ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na, na-na na-na-na, na-na ♪