All language subtitles for Welcome to the Jungle [2013 Eng Action]

Not exactly what I
was looking for.

Wait a minute, Bob. This is not the
only option we've got for you.

Phil.

Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)
Yeah.

Why do it like that,
in grey asparagus,

when you can do it completely
differently in hunter green?

Thank you for your time.

- Bob...
- MAN: Bob?

Have a seat.

Who's that?

It's Chris Meyers, one of our
brightest, young junior execs.

He's very, very bright.

You got 60 seconds.

Say hello to the Krayton koala.

He's soft, cuddly, absorbent.

I present to you the new
face of Krayton bath tissue.

Wow!

You got yourselves a client.

Yeah.

- Yes!
- (ALL CHEER)

- Unbelievable.
- He's a genius.

- Hate to admit it, buddy.
- Hey.

- But you really saved my ass.
- Ah!

You've got a big raise
coming to you, pal.

You better believe it,
you cheap bastard.

- Let's go get me pregnant.
- Oh, sounds like a plan.

ALL: (CHANTING) Chris!

Thank you. Back to work.
Back to work.

ALL: (CHANTING) Chris!
MAN: Chris!

It's all I ever wanted.

Chris. Chris!

Hey, Phil. What's up?

What's up? It's
crunch time, dude.

Krayton's coming in for
the redesign pitch today.

Need that bad boy ASA
quick as possible.

Yeah, no, I got all the versions you
wanted done, exactly per your specs.

What's that one right there?

Oh, I actually...

I actually just did a
design of my own, too.

Kind of was hoping
to pitch Krayton.

Cool. Cool.

Why don't you let me take a look at it?
Maybe I can run it up to the big man.

- Yeah, let us give the old look-see.
- That's a great idea, Troy.

I'm just... I'm actually... I'm
really psyched about this one.

And I was kind of hoping to
just take it to him myself.

Well, credit will be given where
credit's due. It's just that... Fuck.

Look at that girl, Troy.

- (SIGHS)
- (GRUNTS)

PHIL: I tell you what.

Why don't you practise
the pitch on me?

Let me hear it one time, make
sure it's in tip-top shape.

You don't wanna go in there and pitch
it to Krayton, look like an asshole.

Okay. I'm Krayton, you're you.
Pitch me.

Well, get ready.

And razzle goes the dazzle.

Don't ever say that again.

I was trying to pick up the energy, but I
heard it coming out, and it felt wrong.

What's with the goblin?

Right there on the K.

No. That's a koala bear.

Why is there a koala bear?

Troy brings up a good point.

Well, I did a ton of
research into buying trends

for more intimate products
like bath tissue.

Yeah. Chris...

(PHIL SIGHS)

I hate to say this
to you, buddy.

It's not that cuddly.

It's got black, soulless eyes.

- Like a demon's eyes. - They
are like a demon's eyes.

No, no, they're green.
Demons' eyes are red.

I think you're
missing the point.

You gotta imagine yourself
on the toilet, right?

You got your pants around your
ankles, and you just wanna do what?

All you really want is to get
the shit out of your butt.

You wanna relax.

You don't wanna have to
worry about anything,

especially an
Australian devil bear

coming up out of the toilet
and clawing at your nut sack.

Well, I think that
might just be your own

very personal association
with koala bears.

- Is it?
- No.

No, that's the image I
got, too, right away.

You got it, too?

- Yeah.
- Troy got it.

I feel like you guys aren't
letting this sink in.

It just sunk in. Here's the thing. Gotta
call an audible. Not gonna use this.

Let's go with the tried
and true. Should we vote?

Tried and true. All right.

Troy likes it.

I didn't know which way Troy
was gonna go. Thank you, Troy.

All right, just trying to
look out for you, homey G.

Let's go, Troy.

I mean, I don't care if he's
technically your superior.

You don't have to take
that shit off him, man.

Well, technically, I do.
That's what superior means.

Ugh!

- Good morning, Chris.
- Hey.

Jared.

Are you sleeping
with Brenda again?

No. Not presently.

But I just gotta tell you, man,
there is something about that girl.

She just unleashes
something primal in me.

I know what you mean.

Hey. Hey!

What's up? (GIGGLES)

You ladies gossiping again about
all the hot guys in the office?

Uh, busted. Yeah. Chris and
I were just talking about

stripping down to our bra and panties
and having a little tickle fight.

If you're interested in
joining, maybe refereeing?

He's joking. We've never
tickled each other.

We would never do that.

Right.

Um...

Anyway, I'm actually just
here on official HR business.

Just to remind you guys

about the big mystery meeting in
the conference room at 4:00 p.m.

- Hoo! Why all the secrecy?
- I don't know.

Crawford just says it's very important.
So just don't be late, okay?

Okay.

It's a date.

Hmm?

- (SIGHS)
- What is wrong with you?

I hate myself. I'm
a horrible person.

You have a heart. That's about
all you have right now.

Hey, Brenda.

Just a reminder, we have a 4:00
meeting in the conference room.

I remember.

Hey, did I show you the
newest addition to the fam?

No.

I'm calling him
Sergeant Snuggles.

'Cause he's reporting for
duty, like, every day.

Aw! Brenda, I didn't
know you liked rabbits.

Oh, yeah, right, Lisa.

(LAUGHS)

Did I ever show you this one?

- Oh, is that you?
- Yes.

And that there is Mr. Bumbles.
He was my favourite.

When I was eight, I
wanted to marry him.

But society would
never allow that.

Well, you never know.

No.

Chris, why aren't
you at the pitch?

Phil said Krayton's not
coming until 3:00.

No, it's on the books for 2:15.

What?

Yeah. They're all in
the conference room.

Aw!

In the wild, koala bears don't
need to wipe their bottom.

But if they did, they would
ask Koala Phil how to do it.

- (ALL APPLAUDING)
- I like it! I like it!

Thank you.

Thanks very much.

Thanks, everybody.

Gosh!

How can he just so blatantly
steal my work like that?

"Koala Phil"? It's not
even alliterative.

Yeah. That's the real tragedy.

You know, he's just
gonna homogenise it,

and in the end, it's gonna
look like every other koala.

All right. You know what? Let's
take care of Phil once and for all.

Call my buddy Regg. He's
an Algonquin Indian.

We tell him there's a white guy fucking
up shit for you and your land.

- He'll take care of it. 40 bucks.
- You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna march right into
Mr. Crawford's office.

I'm gonna march right in.

I'm gonna tell him exactly what
Phil did, just lay it right out.

You do it. You do it.
Right this wrong.

We shall overcome!

- Where do you think you're
going? - I need to speak to him.

He's in a meeting.

Can you please open the door?

Absolutely not.

Sounds like I'll make
us a tee time, then.

Bring your wallet, bitch.

(CHUCKLES) I'm not a bitch.

-LISA: Um, Mr. Crawford?
- Yes?

Chris wants a word with you.

Now, Chris, I believe you believe
Koala Phil is your idea.

But sometimes, a person can think
that they came up with something

when it actually came
from somewhere else.

Mr. Crawford, that is not
what happened here. I...

Now this sort of thing
happens all the time.

For 25 years, I was convinced
that I invented the BLT.

The bacon-lettuce-and-tomato
sandwich?

Absolutely positive.

I'd brag to women about it.

I tried to convince my friends.

Well, turns out it dates
back to the 19th century.

I must've been exposed to it when
I was a child, and forgotten.

The brain, you know.

So let's just let
this one go, okay?

Mr. Crawford, Phil
stole my work.

Why do you think

I was given the Martin P. Shulman
Award for Excellence in Business?

For beating my meat in some
goddamn jerk-off competition?

It would be a very misleading
name if that were the case.

Not that I couldn't hold my own
in a competition like that.

I could.

I'd be able to
perform, no problem.

I'm sure.

No.

I got this award because I know a thing
or two about what I'm doing, God damn it.

And what I want from you, son, is for you
to stop trying to sabotage Phil Trager.

And start trying to emulate him.

Prove to me

that you deserve a place
here on the Crawford team.

Go. Go get 'em.

I did you a favour, bud.

You would've blown that pitch.
Now the koala lives on.

You had no right to do that.
You had no right.

Chris, what is with the
selfish behaviour?

The ideas within these walls
are our ideas. We're a family.

Yeah.

Oh, by the way, if you ever tattletale
on me again, things are gonna get ugly.

Real F-ing ugly.

My entire adult life has been
spent in packaging design.

I've come into this office every day
at 7:00 sharp for the last 27 years.

And that could be
any one of you.

Even you back there
with the squidgy face.

If you can show the
teamwork and leadership

necessary to succeed in this
tough economic climate.

But, frankly, I haven't seen
much of that from any of you.

Except, of course, for Phil.

Come on, boss.
It's a team sport.

That's why, tomorrow,
I'm sending all of you

on a mandatory two-day, two-night
teamwork leadership wilderness retreat.

What?

Now, I will not be able to
accompany you on this excursion.

But I turn it over
to a man who will.

MAN: Thank you.

My name is Storm.

Storm Rothchild.

I'm a certified
teamwork instructor.

Now, I know what
you're thinking.

"This guy teaches about business? We
went to Harvard University." Whatever.

Well, I'm here to tell you,
I went to my own school,

the school of the hard knocks.

I also took some
classes at DeVry once.

Mostly web design.

But then some stuff came up.
You know, some personal stuff.

(SNORTS)

Am I interrupting you?

No. No.

Can I see that, please?

Yeah, I... It's not something...
It's not... I just...

Sorry about that.

You must have big rocks
between your legs.

I... No.

You think you can
stare me down, boy?

Stare you down?

No, I mean, you're just talking.
I'm just listening.

Shh!

And I was... Okay. I'm
not staring you down.

Strike one.

Oh, shit.

STORM: I'm a military man.

Navy SEAL, Special
Forces, you name it.

I've seen men die.

I've made men cry.

I will offer you the most intense
wilderness experience allowed by law.

We'll fly off to an island

where it will be you
and me versus nature.

I will teach you negotiation.

Teamwork.

Leadership.

And if we're not too careful,
we may have a little fun.

I will see you at 0600.

Dismissed.

Oh! Hang on.

We're gonna have a little soiree in honour
of Phil and the Krayton deal at McCabe's.

Drinks are on the company.

- Great!
- Yes!

I don't know.

Teamwork.

Mortal Kombat is more like it.

Relax, Dale. It's just a silly
team-building exercise.

Word has it, there are some major
cutbacks coming down the pike.

How you perform on this trip determines
your future with this company.

(SCOFFS)

If I were you, I'd
really watch out.

Trying to steal Phil's
thunder and all.

Yeah, all right, Dale. We're
just trying to have a good time.

I'm having a good time.

I wouldn't count on these
drinks being for free.

That is a dark human being.

Just one more, and then cut
me off, please. Thank you.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

You ready for this
big nature trip?

Oh, I am shitting
myself in anticipation.

I'm not much of a camper,
but it could be fun, right?

I'm not much of a camper either.
But luckily for us, Chris is.

In fact, this man was an Eagle
Scout when he was, like, 25.

That's not true. I was 19.
Then I cut it off.

They even made him
a scoutmaster.

And he was taking boys out
in the woods and stuff.

Well, it's really...
I'd sound so...

- I'd stop talking about it. - Why
don't you stop the humility act?

'Cause he also won
the Silver Badger,

which is, like, the highest award
that the Boy Scouts give out.

- So, we're in good hands.
- Beaver. It's the Beaver.

Cool. Excuse me?

It's the Silver Beaver.
Minor distinction.

Silver Beaver?

That's a terrible name.

I'm sorry.

If I knew that was the name, I
would not have brought it up.

Thanks so much.

Well, it'll be really good to have
you out there, Silver Beaver.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I can't believe I have to spend a
weekend on an island with Phil.

You gotta relax, man.
Guy's not worth it.

Don't do that. I don't wanna
show up smelling like pot.

Well, you shouldn't have
picked me up, then.

(SIGHS)

You know he spends 200 bucks
a month on Internet porn?

And it's all Filipino
anal brutality.

- How do you know that? - I can
access everyone's email account.

What am I supposed
to do, not read it?

No.

Come on. Let's go. We're late.

(EXHALES LOUDLY)

STORM: Come on!
Let's move, people!

This is a cargo plane.

- Yup. - I'm not
getting on that.

Come on, guys. You
can't live forever.

I agree with you, Lisa.

Jesus. Get a load of the pilot.

We're all gonna die.

(PLANE RATTLING)

You Okay?

It's gonna be good. We're
gonna be all right.

(ALL GROAN)

The bird has landed.

(EXHALES)

Welcome to Big Mama
Nature's house.

It's just us and the jungle now.

- It's so humid. I'm pitting
out. - Where are we?

I have no idea.

Hey, just remember
I'm in charge here.

- I think we got off on the wrong foot.
- (SNIFFS) Is that...

Am I smelling marijuana?

No.

You've been night-riding
on my watch, boy?

Night-riding? No, sir. No, sir.

Is that your goal in life? To
get on top of my shit list?

Mr. Storm, I swear I was not
night-riding. I wouldn't do that.

Watch yourself, Kumar, because
I've got my eye on you.

Okay.

Sorry, amigo. But this is
so much better stoned.

You're a dick.

PHIL: Psst!

Psst! Chris! Come here.

Come here, I gotta talk to you.

- Hey!
- What?

- I need your help. Come here.
- What are you doing?

Dude, I know you're pissed at me,
but we need to work as a team.

I need your binoculars.

Get down. Get down.

This is important. This
is a business meeting.

Oh, my God. Look at
Traci's breasts.

I mean, is she pregnant,
or what? Those are huge.

Just give me the binoculars.

Chris, please, okay? These are
our co-workers. We deserve this.

- (SIGHS)
- Oh, yes, Ashley.

Yeah, feel those things.

There's a mammogram
going on over there.

You know, I'm not
comfortable lurking here.

Shh!

- Those are my binoculars.
- I'm not comfortable either.

What if one of us pops a boner?

Oh! And look who it is now.

It's little Jenny Wong, the Kung
Fu Panda, 'cause she's Asian.

- That's so racist.
- You know, just once,

I would like to eat a fortune cookie
out of Jenny Wong's butthole.

Jesus! Out of her butthole?

It's not sanitary, but it'd
be a hell of a good time.

That's debatable.

PHIL: Oh, boy.

And here comes the biggest slut of 'em
all. Here comes Lisa. (CHUCKLES)

I don't know if you noticed on the
plane. We had a little moment.

- Okay, I'll take them. Let
me take them. - Chris!

- Give them back to me, Chris.
- You're not gonna look.

Chris, they're... I
just wanna borrow 'em.

No! Let me...

Just for a...

LISA: Hey, Chris.

Hey, guys.

What are you doing back there?

I just saw a
blue-crowned motmot.

- Gonna take a closer look.
- A what?

It's a bird. Rare one. Really
very, very cool stuff.

Oh, hey, it looks like
we're heading out.

Yeah. What a psycho.

Don't push me, man. Don't
fucking push me. Don't push me.

Well, I guess chivalry's dead!

I thought we weren't speaking.
I can't carry your bag, then.

- We are not speaking! - Oh,
then what are we doing now?

(IMITATING)
Oh, what are we doing now?

That's how I talk?
That's how I talk?

My friends, welcome
to our new home.

- Ah! It's beautiful.
- It's all right.

This might not be so bad, huh?

(CHUCKLES)

Look at this place!

I'm holding the talking stick.

(SCREAMS)

Talking stick attack?

I'm watching you, huh?

Being here reminds
me of a famous story

about some young boys
being stuck in an island.

Before long, they
turn into animals.

And from there, everything
goes straight to hell.

And do you know which
story I'm talking about?

Right, right, right.

Pinocchio.

And the island was
Pleasure Island.

They spend all day eating
candy, playing pool.

And they turn into donkeys.

And then I don't remember.

I haven't seen it
for a long time.

The whale was involved.

Anyway, this will not
be happening here.

The next two days, you will
be pushed to your limit!

Are you ready to look at
the devil in the eyes?

Good.

Good night.

I hold the stick.

I hold the talking stick.

(SCREAMS)

We are going to let out the primal
scream to unleash the warrior inside us.

Miss Brenda.

(SCREAMS)

Good.

(SCREAMS)

Not bad.

(SCREAMS)

You have issues.

Chris.

(SCREAMS MILDLY)

Hey, come here.

I'm not really a screamer.

Scream like I'm squeezing
into your balls.

- You're laughing at me, boy?
- No.

(SCREAMS)

Scream like I am squeezing
into your balls!

(SCREAMS)

- Better?
- Disappointing.

Go!

Next.

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

My father used to make pancakes in the
morning, but I was not allowed to eat any!

Why?

Not every Asian kid needs to learn
how to play the violin, Mom!

I wanted to learn how
to play baseball!

(CRYING)

Troy. Excellent.

Excellent.

You must trust your partner to get
you safely through the trees,

and you must trust yourself
to guide your partner.

Yeah, shouldn't one of
us not be blindfolded?

- That's my hat, sir.
- It's my hat now.

What?

Go!

- Hold on. I can't see anything!
- (ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Tree.

- Troy, you're slowing us down!
- Sorry!

- This is a lawsuit, man!
- Tell that to the tiger!

(TIGER ROARS PLAYING ON STEREO)

WOMAN: Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Guys, you guys, you
guys, there's no tiger.

Guys, there's no tiger! There's
no tiger. False alarm.

It's BS.

- Stop freaking out...
- (EXPLOSION)

Oh, my God! Did that
lunatic set explosives?

(ALL SCREAMING)

I'd say that's a yes. Move!
Move, man, move!

Inside, outside, inside outside.

STORM: Come on, people!

It's not a game! It's a war!

(GRUNTING LOUDLY)

We have a winner.

(INAUDIBLE)

Oh!

Oh. My God!

I'm so sorry. I didn't see
you lying there like that.

On the ground.

Completely motionless.

Quite possibly dead.

- Chris, are you sure he's dead?
- Very dead. That much I'm sure.

How the fuck are we
gonna get out of here?

People, people, please.

Let's don't lose our mind.

How are we gonna get home,
Storm? Our pilot's dead.

Worst come to worst, I
will fly you out of here.

You know how to fly?

(CHUCKLES) Please.

Storm, I swear to God I
saw a fricking tiger.

- What?
- What?

- Tiger.
- Yeah.

I saw it, too.

It was, like, 10 feet from Dale's
tent. It ran towards the cliff.

- Guys, guys, guys.
- (ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

- Storm... - Don't let
your imagination run wild.

But just to make you feel better,
let's go to see that tiger.

Why are we going to look at the
tiger? Let's go the other way.

It makes zero sense.

You see?

There is no tiger.

What are the chances of a
dangerous animal in this island?

Zero. Okay?

- So just calm...
- (ROARS)

(ALL EXCLAIM IN SHOCK)

Holy shit!

Nobody move.

- No, no, no, no. - The
beast is a gentle spirit.

He's scared.

Be not afraid, my
noble jungle brother.

Your brother means no harm.

- (ROARS)
- (ALL EXCLAIM IN SHOCK)

Help!

Quickly!

Stick a finger into
the tiger's anus.

- What? - Stick your finger
into the tiger's anus!

Why in the hell would he want us
to put a finger in his asshole?

It's how you subdue
an attacking dog!

Troy, that's you. Get
in there and do that.

No, I don't want to!

- Troy, you have to!
- I don't wanna do it!

It's okay, everyone.

It's over.

He won't come back.

- (ROARS)
- (SCREAMS)

ALL: Whoa!

(WATER SPLASHES)

- (ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
- (CRYING)

First, the pilot dies.

- Then the European dude dies.
- TROY: No one's looking for us.

We're gonna die, then.

We're stuck with no way off.

- We're stuck with no way off.
- I know that!

It's gonna be okay. It's
gonna be fine, hon.

(SOBBING)

- You think so?
- Do I think so?

Does Bugs Bunny like carrots?

Yeah.

He likes 'em a lot. (CHUCKLES)
Likes 'em a lot.

LISA: I think if you just
move past this fear...

Right?

- ...you can reach inside you.
- Yeah.

Find what it takes
to get out of here.

How's everybody doing?

- Oh, we're great, Phil, thanks. (CRYING)
- Yeah. We're fine, Phil.

Lisa, can I talk to you
for a second, in private?

Just really need to talk.

All right.

- You gonna make it, hon? - Oh,
yeah. Thank you so much, Lisa.

- What's up? - Let's
go over here.

She's real fucked up, huh?

Have a seat.

What's going on, Phil?

How are you holding up?

Great. Thanks for
asking, Phil.

Did you bring a bathing suit?

Yeah.

You go bikini, or...

Doesn't matter. We're not gonna
swim leisurely right now.

No. Yeah. I mean,
it's not a vacation.

What do you need?

Well, I was thinking, you know,

every woman, no matter how
strong she thinks she is,

she wants some
comfort from a man.

And, Lisa, I thought I
could be that man for you.

Because here's the thing.

- Lisa...
- Mmm-hmm.

I've fallen for you.

- Okay. - I've
fallen real hard.

Okay! Phil!

You realise we're in a
crisis right now, right?

Skeeze out on your own time, man. There's
something seriously wrong with you.

You don't have to be
a bitch about it.

No dice. It's busted. Old timer
probably wasn't even using it.

- Damn it! Are you sure?
- Yeah.

I used to do ham radio on
the weekends with my dad.

It was like child abuse
without the touching.

Oh, my God.

I'm sure somebody's
coming for us.

Nobody knows where we are, and
there's a tiger killing people!

And there could be more tigers!

And who knows who they're gonna kill
next? It could be you, or you, or you!

Any one of us!

You guys, no one
knows we're here!

We are totally fucked!
We are fucked!

He's right. He's right, you
guys. We're gonna die!

(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Calm down, you guys.

Come on. Come on.
We gotta stay calm.

But there is one person that can
keep us safe, and that's me.

Now, as the highest ranking executive
from the Crawford Design Group,

- I am now officially in charge.
- (HISSES)

- So, if you all do exactly as I say...
- (SCREAMS)

What happened?

She got bit by a snake!

- Go get my machete.
- CHRIS: Brenda, let me see.

- Man, it hurts! It hurts!
- Okay. I know. Let me see. Ow!

Okay, everybody, get back.
This isn't gonna be pretty.

Do it, Troy, right at the knee.

- What?
- No.

- Me?
- Yes, you! Do it now!

(SCREAMS)

No! Hey! Hang on! Nobody's
cutting anyone's leg off.

Listen, Brenda, just
take a deep breath,

and describe to me exactly
what the snake looked like.

It was big, and it had black
swirls and dots on it.

You're wasting time.
The venom's spreading.

- Do it now!
- (SCREAMS)

Hey! Wait, no, listen.

She's describing a Python
regius. It's not poisonous.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

- I saw one of those on the
way in here. - Thank God.

(GROANS) It really hurts!

All right, well, then,
I'm gonna piss on it.

It's the only way
to help the pain.

Whoa, whoa, no. That's for a
jellyfish sting. Knock it off.

I got Storm's first aid kit.

-CHRIS: Okay. Okay, what have we got?
- It's all just Dave Matthews bootlegs.

Okay, we're gonna improvise.

I'm really happy to
piss on it, Brenda.

(SOBBING) No, Phil.

Okay.

What is that?

It's woundwort. It should
help with the pain a bit.

Yeah, that's gross, Chris.
And it's not gonna work.

It's working. It feels better.

Good. Good. It should prevent any
infection. You'll heal soon.

- You wanna try and stand?
- Come on.

MAN: Okay, I'm impressed.

Okay. Okay. You're
gonna be okay.

Thank you.

Did you learn that
in the Scouts?

You know, I picked
up a thing or two.

Can you teach us how to
do that kind of stuff?

Yeah. Yeah, sure. Okay.
But, listen, you guys,

the first rule of survival is,
no matter what the situation,

you cannot panic, okay?

Maybe you should be
in charge, then.

Hey, wait a second.
Let's not go crazy.

Yeah, I don't... We
don't have to have...

No, no, no.

Who here thinks Chris
should be in charge?

Okay, who thinks Phil
should be in charge?

Here we go.

Chris, Chris...

ALL: (CHANTING) Chris. Chris.

Chris. Chris. Chris.

Okay. Okay. Okay. I...

Chris. Chris. Chris.

- Are you sure? Are you sure
about this? - Absolutely.

(ALL WHOOP)

All right. I got a few ideas.
Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I think this could work.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

That's it. Keep
feeding that fire.

Gotta get a thick, black
smoke going for the signal.

Yo, yo, Chris. Can I talk
to you for a second?

Sure, Phil. What's up?

Are you sure you're up for
this being in charge business?

I think so. Why?

You think so.

Well, being a leader is tough.
You've seen me at the office.

You know how that can get.

Frankly, I'm not sure
you can handle it.

What are you talking about?

Come on, man. Like it
isn't totally obvious?

Eventually, someone's gonna have to
decide which of us gets eaten first.

What?

Javier is the fattest.

So he deserves to die.

I'm sorry if that's not PC.

Phil, we have enough nuts
stored up to feed an army.

I don't like nuts!

- And Javier would feed a
lot of people. - All right.

Phil, can you knock it off,
please? Chris is in charge.

We're all on board
with this, right?

- Yes. - Yeah, I think
we're good, Phil.

Fine.

You wanna follow Pocahontas?

Don't blame me.

What's up, Javier?

Hey.

All right, people.

Let's get back to work. We've
got a big day ahead of us.

What happened to everybody?
They were all doing so well.

I don't know. It's just like
at the office, you know?

They're good to work for a little
while, then it's nappy time.

- Javier?
- Javi?

Hey, buddy.

Weren't you supposed to be
on food gathering detail?

Oh, go away. Sleepy.

(SCOFFS)

Okay, everybody. We really gotta
kick it into high gear. Ugh!

Come on, guys!

I don't know how many
times I have to say this.

When you go number two,

you've gotta go at least 50 yards
from the campsite, all right?

I'm not trying to be a buzzkill,
but it's a major health hazard.

Hey, man. Nobody's on food detail, and
whoever's on tiger watch took off.

You gotta step up and
take charge, man.

These people are just gonna
keep slap-dicking around.

Okay. Okay, Jared. I'm on it.

- All right, buddy. Let's go.
- Okay.

Hey, everybody!
Look over here.

Thought you'd all want
something to eat besides nuts.

- Behold!
- We bring meat!

Ugh!

I killed it with
my own bare hands.

- Isn't that right, Troy?
- Yes!

Meat!

That looks like it's been
dead at least two weeks.

And that's not all.

Oh, no. Is that coffee?

- You bet your fat ass it is.
- Hey!

I found the plants just over that
ridge. There's enough for all of us.

Oh, God. Tastes so good.

Okay, okay, you guys. I don't
know about the coffee yet,

but I can tell you for sure that
that meat is not safe to consume.

I'm afraid that's not
your decision, Chris.

And I invite all of you
to share in my bounty.

- Oh, God. That looks so delicious.
- I wouldn't do it. I strongly...

Luther. Hey, Dale. Don't.
The meat's no good.

- Ashley. - I advise
against this.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah!

He put up a real fight, but I snuck
up behind him and snapped his neck.

It's the least I could do.

- We're a family now.
- Yeah. We are.

MAN: Right, man.

- Try it. - No, thanks.
I'm good. Thank you.

Look, I understand
that we're not at the

office and everyone's
under a lot of stress.

But I just feel that
some of the language

that I've been hearing
tossed around lately

is offensive to some people.

I've heard MFer.

I've heard CSer.

I've heard A-hole,
BJ, F this F-ing S.

Check out that B's T's.

Slip it in her C-hole. F
it in the fudge shop.

S on that donkey D, you
dirty F-ing S-bag,

then L up that V-juice
and spit it in my A.

Then H it till it's sore with
your S-covered P-pounder.

Also I've heard...

Who gives a shit?

Hey, it's Brenda's turn to speak.
She can say whatever she wants.

You know the rules. I
have the talking stick.

Screw the rules!

Phil, enough.

Yeah, Brenda.
Screw your rules!

I'm holding the talking stick.

Stick means nothing!

Come on. Sit down.

-PHIL: No.
- (THUDDING)

I won't sit down.

Because I am so
sick of your rules!

So's everybody else.

Come on, Dale. Stand up.
Come on, you guys.

Why should we listen to you?

- Everybody knows...
- WOMAN: Stand up.

I should be leader.

This isn't helping, Phil. Okay? Come
on. We're all in this together.

(PHIL LAUGHS)

You just wanna be able to
tell everybody what to do.

"Watch the signal fire.

"Let's ration the food!

"Don't shit in other
people's tents"?

- That's obvious.
- Yeah.

- I'll shit where I want.
- Damn right, Troy.

- Look at Chris, everyone.
- (ALL GRUNTING)

How can he protect you from
the dangers of the jungle

when he won't even
stand up to me now?

Will you?

Huh?

Will you, Chris?

In front of all these people?

You gonna stand up to me?

- You never have before. - Phil,
I'm not gonna fight you.

Order! The stick!

No, he's not gonna do anything
in front of all these people.

- What is wrong with you? Stop!
- (THUDDING INTENSIFIES)

Come on, guys. Order.

He's not a leader.

He's a follower.

So get out of my way!

Come on, Phil.

(ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY)

Who would deny me, the one
who has brought you meat?

- Order!
- (ALL GRUNTING FRANTICALLY)

Order!

Chaos!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Troy put this in the coffee.

This is Jimsonweed.

It's hallucinogenic.

Oh, this is bad.

(HOWLING)

(VOMITS)

(SIGHS)

That was some party.

I gotta say, Troy, I've never
seen your penis before.

- You've got a nice one.
- Thanks.

The signal fire's out.

So?

That's our only chance of
getting off this island.

What if a boat or a plane came by?
We can't be stupid right now.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

Chris, I would watch your
tone with me. I'm the chief.

Yeah, I'm sure you're gonna
make some great chief,

just eating, laying around all
day, having orgies every night.

Hey, that's not fair.

No? Well, what are you
gonna do tonight?

I don't know. Probably
have another orgy.

Okay. This is ridiculous.

You guys, we are never gonna get
off the island like this, okay?

We're behaving like children.

Hey!

You don't like the way we do things,
go start your own tribe, then.

Fine.

Fine, Phil, I will. I'm gonna hike
to the other side of the island.

See what's over there.
You know what?

Anyone who wants to
get serious about

getting off this island,
you come with me.

And the rest of you,

you can just keep eating and drinking,
just having unprotected sex all the time.

Okay.

I don't think he gave the greatest
pitch in the world, but I'm with him.

Thank you, brother.

I'm also with Chris, but
I am not with Jared.

Okay, okay.

This is crazy.

I think the only chance
we have of getting

off this island is if
we all work together.

Sol really think that maybe if we try
just a little active listening...

Active listening?

Lisa?

Enough of your witchcraft!

Phil, you are battling some
serious mental issues right now.

Lisa, I think you're battling
some serious cock-teasing issues.

- Ooh!
- That is harassment.

I am reporting you as soon as
we get back to the office.

- Okay.
- PHIL: Go, then.

All of you. Who needs you? In
fact, I command you to leave!

Fine, Phil. Whatever.

Good luck running things around
here. You're gonna need it.

Be gone forever!

And don't let me catch you
back on my side of the island!

Unless you two girls wanna get
fucked, then hustle on back.

All right, Troy.

Hit me up with that fan, buddy.
Getting kind of hot.

CHRIS: Orion's belt is
really bright tonight.

LISA: What are you, Daniel
Boone, or something?

(SNIGGERS) No.

I mean, no. You can
navigate the jungle, and...

Yeah.

And start this fire by
knocking two rocks together.

You can identify
natural hallucinogens.

Well, don't forget
about my ability

to make campfire cobbler.

I love cobbler.

I know. I know.

I just picked a few berries

and had some crackers, threw
in a little sugar, and voila.

I know how you like
sweets, so, I just...

You pay attention.

- I like that.
- (CHUCKLES)

- How is it? Is it too tart?
- Mmm!

This is the best thing
I've eaten in days.

Oh, good!

My God! I am so
impressed, Silver Beaver.

Thank you.

I feel like I should give you

a merit badge, or
something like that.

Oh, that'd be nice. It'd look
good next to my hang gliding one.

(CHUCKLES) You have a merit
badge for hang gliding?

It's tandem. I mean, I was tandem.
I was strapped to my scoutmaster.

But, yeah.

I do.

I have never seen
this side of you.

How does someone
who's so adventurous

end up designing toilet paper
packaging for a living?

(SIGHS)

Yeah.

Well, the truth is I...

I always imagined my life being a
lot more interesting than it is.

I went to work straight after
school like some trained robot.

I just I feel like I
never even really lived.

I feel the exact same way.

I probably should've done something
about it a long time ago.

It sounds like you need to be
a little bit more assertive.

Assertiveness. Yes.

I could see how that'd
be a good quality.

I gotta take a shit.

Hey, Brenda. Hey.

What happened to your
clean language crusade?

- I decided to fuck
that to hell. - Hmm.

I don't have to poop,
I don't have a BM.

What I have here is a shit. There
is no other word to describe this.

And I've had it since
I got here, too.

I've had to take a shit. But I thought
I could wait till I got home.

- Can't hold it any more.
- Mmm-mmm.

I am infected with
shit right now.

Yeah. Okay.

I mean, I've never shat
in the woods before.

Now's the time.

Really? You don't think anything
is gonna bite my pussy?

Nothing's gonna bite your pussy.

Maybe I'll just hold it.
Hang out with you guys.

No. You don't wanna
get attached to that.

You wanna just cut your ties.

Yep! You're right.

I gotta go unleash
this shit in the wild.

- Okay.
- Okay.

That's good. Just make
it 50 yards, Bren.

She's a sweet girl.

I should probably go to bed.

- Yeah, I guess. It
might be time. - Yeah.

Yeah, big day tomorrow.

BRENDA: We have lift-off!

Jesus. Go further!

BRENDA: Suck your mom's dick!

They're great.

They're a great couple.

Anyways...

- Okay, good night.
- Good night.

(BRENDA SCREAMS)

That wasn't her poo scream.

- Brenda?
- Come on.

- Look who it is.
- Oh, my God.

- Are you okay?
- So-so.

- But thank you for asking.
- (GROANS)

- Hey.
- What was that for?

Just for getting us stranded
on the island. That's all.

That's fair. That's fair.

- Just one more.
- No, no, no.

- Come on, guys.
- Okay.

No more slapping. You know?

I'm badly wounded by
the tiger attack.

I say we leave him.

Yeah, why don't you let
me take a look at that?

(GROANS) The beast got me good.

Oh, geez. That's
already infected.

Don't worry. I've had worse.

I survived three wars.

Which three wars?

Desert Storm, Desert Rain.

Then Iraq, Baghdad, somewhere.

You were never in the
military, were you?

Let's kill him. Yeah?
Kill him?

No. Sorry.

I should never lie to you.

I never meant any harm.

All I wanted to be
is a military man.

Ever since I was a little boy,

running in the
fields of Nebraska.

Man, this is just
getting pathetic.

(VOICE BREAKING)
I don't even know how to read.

Come on. What does that
have to do with anything?

It's to make you feel bad.

Okay.

Okay. Keep this pressed
hard against that.

We gotta get this fixed up.

Thank you, brothers.

Hey, listen, guys.

I found something in the jungle.

Something you should see.

(STORM GRUNTS)

That's where I've
been hiding in shame.

- (DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
- (WOMEN GRUNTING)

BRENDA: What is this place?

It looks like some
kind of bomb shelter.

It's cosy.

It's been very lonely
here by myself.

But now, you can stay with me.

Okay. All right.

It will be like a sleepover.

- I found a flare gun.
- Nice.

Is this a radio?

- Jared, check it out.
- I'm on it. Okay.

Hey, guys. We can
stay up all night.

We can tell scary stories.

And we can play Truth or Dare.

Chris, you first.

Dare me to do something.

Uh... I guess I would dare
you to be quiet, Storm.

You lost a lot of blood. Let
me take a look at that.

(STORM SIGHS)

What you gonna do?

- Be still.
- Needles!

No needles! I hate needles.

- Get away from me! - CHRIS:
Do you wanna die of gangrene?

I don't want needles!

All right. All right. All right.
No needles.

(BRENDA SHUSHING)

No needles. Come on.

What if I pet your ears? Would
that make you feel better?

Okay, Brenda.

There you go.

No needle. No needle, Storm.

- Thank you, Chris.
- You're doing good.

BRENDA: You've got
some floppy ears.

- Can I finish cleaning
it, though? Okay. - Yes.

- No, you're doing...
- (SCREAMS) It hurts!

You're doing very good.
You're doing very good.

He's a good bunny, right?

- He's a great bunny.
- (YELLS)

- Okay, okay, okay.
- He's a feisty bunny.

- It hurt, man! - All right.
Try and relax.

- Okay.
- Just try and relax.

You think you can get
this thing to work?

Short answer: no.

CHRIS: Not a needle.
Not a needle.

Circuitry's fried, but
the transceiver's good.

But the one in the plane,
transceiver's out,

but the circuitry there
looked all right.

We don't speak geek.

Listen, darling, what
I'm trying to say is

if we get that radio
out of the plane,

there's a decent chance I
could rig something up.

What about him? We can't
just leave him here.

STORM: I'm okay.

I'll be fine.

We'll work something out.

Stop. Park me here.

What do you see?

I am not quite sure.

Dude, let me see.

They've all gone
shit-dick crazy.

Yes, I saw Phil
forcing them to eat

that Jimsonweed all day.

I tried a little bit of it myself, but
I was tripping balls for six hours.

Couldn't feel my face.

What is that?

Let me see those.

Oh, Phil has had a
statue of himself made.

BRENDA: Oh!

Solid craftsmanship.

And they're worshipping
him like a God.

I guess reasoning with him
isn't gonna be an option.

Maybe we should just
take the radio.

I mean, the plane's at least
200 yards from Phil's camp.

He might not notice.

No such luck. They got guards
stationed at the plane.

- That crazy fucker!
- God.

It's like he doesn't
even wanna go home.

Hey, guys, if we want to steal
that radio from that plane,

we'll have to use our
heads and our brains.

It's the same fucking
thing, Storm.

I think I'll go talk to him alone.
I can still reason with him.

- Are you sure, Chris?
- Yeah.

Hey.

Just be careful, okay?

I will.

BRENDA: Aw!

(CHUCKLING) What?

Keep in pile. You, separate sticks.
Big sticks, little sticks.

(SIGHS)

Oh!

Deserter returns.

Halt, Outsider.

You're a trespasser here.

Hey, Dale. What's up?
Look, I just wanna talk.

Hi. Hi. How are you?

What is your purpose here?

Wow. You guys have really gotten
serious around here, huh?

Gone is the time of mirth
and joy. Those days ended

when the great winged beast of iron and
steel brought us here from the sky.

Are you talking about the plane, Dale?
Come on. You know what a plane is.

Look, I just need to talk to
Phil. Do you know where he is?

Who is this "Phil" you speak of?

He speaks of the Lawgiver.

Okay.

- Oh, Orco.
- Orco.

- Orco?
- Oh, yeah.

Oy.

No one demands to
see the Lawgiver.

Let's slit his throat.

Whoa, come on. Come on, Dale.
Calm down, you guys.

Hey. Hey. All right.

(WHISPERING)

- Come on. Let's not.
Let's not. - Wait.

Well, Outsider, it seems
you get your wish.

The Lawgiver will see you.

Okay.

(SIGHS)

Did you come here to kill me?

Come on, Phil. This is stupid.
Just knock it off.

I would watch your tongue
if I were you, Outsider.

Okay. Noted.

Look, Phil, we found a bunker.

Phil?

Phil. I don't know this word.

Right, no, I'm sorry.

Orco.

Yes. Orco.

Do you know how I chose
the name Orco for myself?

It's the name of an ancient Babylonian
God, the god of wrath and destruction.

I think it was also the name of that
floaty little wizard guy in He-Man.

- Heresy!
- Calm.

Calm, my pet.

I spell mine with a C.

So it's different.

Yeah, it's different.

Yes.

Time for my morning juice.

(COUGHS)

Very bitter. That's gross!

To the Pit of Shame with you!

(GASPS)

You shame yourself!

Come, let's take a walk.

This is where my minions
toil to harvest the beans

from which we make
the sacred brew.

Pick faster. Faster.

Well, it's nice to see that you
didn't eat Javier at least.

I actually tried a couple of
his fingers, but it was gross.

Really gamy.

Keep the berries separate.

Do you see the power
that I have over them?

(MOUTHING)

I do, yeah.

I'm willing to give
you a taste of it.

I'm offering you a job
as my second in command.

Why?

Because I could use someone
with your know-how

for the day-to-day running-the-camp
stuff, basically all the boring shit.

Gee, Orco, I'm really
flattered, but...

Did I mention the perks?

Power, glory, any
woman you want.

Well, none of the super hot
ones. Those are for me.

But, you know, any of the older,
chubbier ones. Barbara from accounting.

Oh, she's a big girl.

Yeah, I don't want Barbara
from accounting, or...

You haven't even gotten to
know her. She's a sweet lady.

Listen, we found
another radio, okay?

Jared thinks he can get it working if we
can get a part from the one on the plane.

I don't know, bro.

I kind of got a pretty good
deal going on here, you know?

Out there I'm just a senior
VP, but here I'm a god.

Orco.

Yeah, but think about this.

You give us that part. We get
out of here. You're a hero.

Not just here on the island, but
out there in the real world.

Everybody's gonna
know your name.

Hmm...

- interesting.
- Yeah.

That you would try to sweet talk
me into giving up my empire.

LOL, friend. Guards!

Phil. Phil, please. We're never
gonna get off this island.

PHIL: No, we won't.

If you come back here
again, Outsider,

we will cut off your dick
and make a soup out of it.

Cream of Chris!

- Let's go play some
hacky sack. - Got it.

Poor little bunny. You
almost got eaten by a tiger.

I wish I could
give you a carrot.

- That would be nice.
- Yeah.

Storm, I think your wound is
getting worse. It kind of stinks.

Is that what that is?

It smells nasty.

I also didn't take a
bath for a while, okay?

Tell me you got it.

I'd be lying.

Seriously, dude?

Yeah. I asked. He said no.

You asked?

He asked. I'm so fucking glad you asked.
Did you say please, at least, Chris?

-LISA: Jared.
- Yes.

No. I'm tired. I'm cranky. I'm out
of weed, and I wanna go home!

What do you want me to do, Jared? You
want me to challenge Phil to a fight?

No, Chris.

I want you to continue
being the world's

biggest pussy until we
all die of starvation.

Oh! Come on! You're the pussy.
You're the pussy!

- You're a pussy.
- You're the pussy!

Guys! This is not getting
us anywhere, okay?

Brenda, who is the bigger
female reproductive organ?

I think you're both vaginae.

You know what? I would've
been better off with Phil.

Wow. Why don't you
go join him then?

Yeah. At least he's doing
drugs and having orgies.

Instead I'm gonna die in
here with you clowns.

Oh! Screw this!

Adiós!

(MUMBLES)

- Hey.

- You okay?
- I don't know.

You think Jared's right
about me being the...

The world's biggest pussy?

Yeah. That's the one.

No.

You're not a pussy.
You're just...

- Nice? - Yeah.
You're really nice.

Yeah. I know. I think
that's part of the problem.

My whole life, I'm
such a nice guy.

"It's Chris. He's so nice.
Look at Chris, he's nice."

Which is all well
and good, you know?

Except that nobody ever gives you any
of the credit you deserve for anything.

Or will actually even consider publishing
your really good fantasy novel,

even though it's clearly
better than 90%

of the Sword and Shadows
derivative crap that's out there.

And it's like these
out-of-touch publishers

are calling it fetish
porn, and it's not.

Okay, yes, there's one
very tastefully done,

very understated love scene
between a dark elf and a centaur.

And that is integral
to the plot. You know?

You need it...

Okay, Chris, I think
maybe you're drifting

away from the point
here a little.

The point is that you
just keep taking it

because you're too nice to stand
up and do anything about it.

(SIGHS) Yeah.
You're nice. You are.

That's what I like about you. That's
what everyone likes about you.

I wouldn't want you
to change that.

But there's a time to be nice.

And then there's also a time when you
have to say, "Enough is enough."

And stick your foot so far
up a prick like Phil's ass

that he chokes on your
fucking shoelaces.

And I think now is
one of those times.

I do, too.

- How did you...
- Listen, Chris.

There's a time to play nice.
And there's also come a time

when you have to say,
"Enough is enough."

And stick your foot so far
up a prick like Phil's ass

that he chokes on your
own fucking shoelaces.

That is literally exactly
what I just said.

No. I just tweaked
it a little bit.

No. Word for word.

I had my own little spin, okay?

How long have you been there?

For awhile.

This is our plan.

We are stealing
that goddamn radio.

And I drew the
little guys there.

(CAWING)

Shit. Sorry, Deb. Some woman.

Sorry, guys. Sorry.

(COOING)

Ow! Damn it! What
the hell you doing?

Son of a bitch?
What are you doing?

Use a bigger rock!

- (SCREAMS)
- Ow!

Yeah.

Good night, sweet prince.
You had a good run.

Okay, great. Get the radio,
and we'll stand guard.

Well, obviously, you
know, quick as possible.

- Speed is of the essence.
- Copy that.

How'd it go?

- We got him.
- Great job.

- This is invigorating.
- Yeah.

Do not fuck this up.

- Thanks, Brenda. That helps
a lot. - You're welcome.

(GRUNTING)

(CAWING)

- What does that mean? - I
don't know that call.

- Did you discuss that with him?
- He didn't teach it to us.

We're gonna hold.
We're gonna hold.

Hey, Jared. I'm not
trying to be a pest, man.

- What's the ETA?
- You wanna do this?

Okay. I understand.

- Actually, he's working.
- Yeah.

Let the man work. You
know what I mean?

(SPUTTERS)

Screw faster!

Yeah, I've heard that before.

Yeah. You fell asleep
between thrusts.

Oh, my God. That's why you
ruined our trip to Reno.

There it is. Right there.

I wasn't sure if it was
sex time or nap time.

(GROWLS)

(HORN BLARING)

What was that?

I think it was a conch.

Screw faster!

I'm trying to! Can you
please be supportive?

Come on!

- Guys!
- Guys! Another time.

- They're, like, always
fighting. - I know.

And it's, like, sometimes
I feel like...

Look!

(HORN BLARING)

Jared, get the radio!
Rip it out!

- Okay. Let's go. Let's go.
Let's go. - All right, ready?

I think they've got spears.

They're not gonna throw 'em.
That's for show. That's for show.

By the power of Orco, keep my
hand steady and make my aim true.

Yeah, yeah, Brett.
Just throw it.

Holy shit! They're
throwing spears!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Time to go!

Hey, guys!

(CAWING)

(ALL PANTING)

Where's Storm?

I thought you had him.

I thought you had him! You
were the wheelbarrow guy.

Oops!

Oh, Jared!

Okay, I'm gonna go look for him.

Stay here and get to work
and get that radio going.

Wait. You're going
back out there?

Yeah. I'll be right back.
Shut the door behind me.

Oh. My God!

(PANTING)

Storm!

Mr. Rothchild!

Storm!

Is it working?

It's hard to say.

If 1 did it right, then we're
emitting a constant distress signal.

But the only way to be sure is to
actually make contact with someone.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

- (WOMAN SCREAMS)
- (GASPS)

(GROANING)

(LISA GRUNTS)

Get off me, Dale.

DALE: Bitch got a flare gun.

PHIL: Outsider! Outsider!

I have your friends now.
You're all alone!

- As for the girl...
- Ah!

That'd be a shame to pluck this
fruit and not have a little taste.

Talk about having
her fruit, man.

Sexy fruit.

Her vagina berries.

I'm gonna have sex with your
girlfriend in her vagina.

You think he got that?

- Yeah, I think he got it.
- All right, let's go.

LISA: Ah! Ow!

Bring forth the prisoners.

Bring forth the prisoners!

(PEOPLE GRUNTING)

It's okay. It's okay.

You've all been found guilty of the
high crimes of heresy and thievery.

TROY: Kill.

ALL: (CHANTING)
Kill! Kill! Kill!

They're kidding, right?

ALL: Kill! Kill! Kill!

- Kill! Kill! Kill!
- Uh...

Guys?

Holy shit.

ALL: Kill! Kill! Kill!

The punishment for these
crimes is death by execution.

(ALL CHEERING)

Oh, my God. That's it. I'm go...

Except for the fair Lisa...

You will live and be my bride.

Oh, come on. Can't you
just kill me, too?

You don't mean that.

I really mean it, Phil.
Just do it.

- Here she comes.
- Oh, yeah.

Good call. Good call.

PHIL: Mmm!

What is that smell?

(SNIFFS) It's pussy.

You, who are called Jared,

come forward.

Step forward, Jared!

Dale.

All right. It's funny, Phil.
I get it. It's not cool.

You have anything to
say before you die?

You're a real asshole, Phil.

- What?
- Be that as it may...

- Still, you shall die.
- TROY: Yes!

(LAUGHS)

He's just kidding.

Phil. No. Come on,
I'll do anything.

Dale.

Phil, I'm begging you, brother.
Please don't.

We'll be your slaves.

Yeah, we get it, whatever
you fucking want.

Don't have Dale cut
my head off, man.

You don't wanna do this.

Phil. Please, man.

This isn't you, man.
Things just got weird.

Sorry, dude.

I was just gonna put you in a cage,
or whip you with bamboo or something.

But, well...

It's what they want.

Please.

I love you, Brenda.

You do?

I'm sorry.

ALL: (CHANTING) Kill! Kill! Kill!
Kill! Kill! Kill!

(GASPS)

Make it quick, Dale.

ALL: Kill! Kill! Kill!
Kill! Kill! Kill!

Do it, Dale.

(INAUDIBLE)

Wait!

Lower your blade!

So, you've returned just in
time to watch your friends die.

Perhaps you'll join them.

I don't think so, Orco.

I have returned to claim
my rightful place

as the true god of this tribe!

You? A god?
(LAUGHS)

That's right.

And I command my subjects
to sever their allegiance

to the false Lord Orco and
bow before my mighty loins,

lest they should feel my wrath.

Tell me.

Can the impostor Orco fly
as the birds of the sky do?

Just a minute.

Almost there.

That was amazing.

1 mean, 1...

That was unreal.

Or, can the impostor
conjure fire

from stone?

Oh! Oh!

PHIL: Magic tricks.

These are tricks!
Don't be fooled!

Really? I'm not sure the
tribe is quite so convinced.

So either prove to me your divinity
by fighting and killing me,

or you will reveal
yourself to be a liar,

a coward, and an
all-around piece of shit.

Fine! I accept your challenge!

Good.

We will resolve this once and for
all with a fight to the death.

To the Pit of Destiny.

Where's the Pit of Destiny?

Let's just clear out
the Pit of Shame.

Yeah.

MAN: Come on! Yeah! Yeah!

I guess we both always knew it'd
come to this. Right, Chris?

I honestly never
saw this coming.

(LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

This is pretty fucked up.
I will say that.

Not your typical day at
the office, huh, boy?

(HISSING)

Chris, I do wanna apologise.

I'm sorry I took
things this far.

This is fucked up.

- Really?
- Yeah. I'm sorry.

Well, we don't have to do this.

(SCREAMS)

(ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY)

LISA: Chris, get up!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

This is really pretty gay.

(PHIL GROWLING)

Yeah, it's fucking sick, man.

It's gay. It's gross.

Troy!

Troy, my spear.

That's unfair, Troy!

LISA: You asshole!

TROY: Come on, Phil!

- (GRUNTS)
- (GROANS)

(ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY)

Chris!

Is that a nut sack between your
legs, or did your dick step in gum?

(GRUNTS)

Come on! Get up, Chris!

Yeah! Come on!

Chris! Kick his ass!

No!

PHIL: Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay.

Okay, me and you
will be co-gods.

Sixty forty.

(SHOUTS)

CHRIS: Give me those hands.

PHIL: My warriors!

What are you waiting for?
Attack!

Honestly, Phil, I'm not
really into this any more.

(PHIL GROANS)

Stay there!

Okay. Okay, you can get up.

Okay, come on. Stop it.
I'm not a god.

There's no god here.

Or, I mean, you can believe
whatever you wanna believe.

God, He can be all around. I don't know.
But I am not a god and Phil is not a god.

But I am in charge now.

And from now on, things are
gonna be different. Okay?

Dale, Javier, I need you
to get to the beach,

get to work on getting that
signal fire going. Let's go.

Ashley, untie them.

Please!

Brett?

I can see your boner. I
don't know. It's your call.

Okay, guys. I'm going to
get you the help you need.

We need to start a
massive detox programme.

I'm gonna get this Jimsonweed
out of your system.

You'll be feeling as
good as new in no time.

And then we're gonna get home.

- So really...
- Ship! Ship!

There's a ship offshore.
I saw it from the bluff.

He said there's a ship.

They must've gotten
our distress signal.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, but they might not
know exactly where we are.

- Where's that flare gun?
- I got it.

- Watch out!
- (GRUNTS)

Ungrateful little bitch!

I should've slit your
throat a long time ago.

I'm a god here! And I'm not gonna
let you fuck that up for me.

(MAN GROWLING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

Okay. Storm, we got it.
Thank you.

Good lungs.

Nice work, Storm.

I got your back, my brother.

PHIL: It doesn't matter anyway.

They'll never see your white flare
against the bright blue sky.

You should know that, Boy Scout.

It's Eagle Scout, asshole.

No! My statue!

My statue!

Let's get to the beach!

I gotcha, big guy.

ALL: Hey!

- Over here!
- Hey! Over here!

- (ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY)
- Right here!

- (SHIP HORN BLARING)
- (ALL CHEERING)

Oh, Buddy. I am
so proud of you.

- I'm proud of you.
- Oh!

You're the best, dude.

Jared. I love you again.

Oh, thank God.

(BOTH MOANING)

You did it, Chris. You save us.

Yes. Or so it would seem.

That's right, all my friends.

My death, tiger attack,
was all a test.

And you all passed
with flying colour.

Good work. To get here, quick.

Storm...

Okay. I'm lying again.

Yeah.

Storm Rothchild? AKA
Striker Hardcastle.

- What? - AKA Francois
Van Vurenberg.

AKA Schlomo Rabinowitz?

You, sir, are under arrest
by the United States Navy

for impersonating an officer.

Well, hey. Chris,
can I talk to you?

Yeah.

While I'm in prison,
you'll write to me?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

How often?

Write you once a month?

I need more.

I could do once a week.

And you'll come to visit me?

You got it.

And, you know, Lisa?

She has a crush on you.

(GRUNTS)

- This way, ma'am.
- Uh...

I'm okay. I'm fine.

All rescued persons need to
be seen by medical personnel.

Okay.

Look, dude, I...

(LISA SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Watch out, Gilligan.

How was that for more assertive?

I didn't wanna come on
too strong, and I...

I gotta admit it, Chris.

I always saw you as
kind of a sissy boy.

But you really proved me wrong
out there on that island.

You got balls, son.

Big balls. Just like me.

I bet if we pulled our balls
out and compared them,

they'd be exactly the same size.

You got a future
here with us, Chris.

I'm promoting you to Senior
Vice President of Design.

You can move your big balls into
Phil's old office right now.

(SIGHS)

Mr. Crawford, for the
last three years,

I've dreamt of hearing
you say that to me.

This position is exactly
what I've wanted.

It has been on the top
of my vision board.

But out there on that island,
I realised something.

What's that, son?

This job sucks.

Excuse me?

Yeah, man. It sucks.
Life is too short!

You know, there's a
whole world out there.

There's a whole
freaking universe!

I would rather take that
Martin P. Shulman Award

and stab myself directly
in the heart with it,

than spend my entire
life cooped up inside

these walls climbing
the corporate ladder.

No. I can't do it. I quit.

Oh, no, you didn't.

I quit, too.

She quits, too.

Want this closed?

(INAUDIBLE)

PHIL: Dear Troy,

I can't tell you how disappointed
I am with you right now.

I thought we were buds. Well,
let me tell you something.

If I ever get off this island,

you're gonna have to work
pretty hard to regain my trust.

PS. I am very lonely.

I'm so sad and lonely.

(TIGER ROARING)