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1
00:00:10,427 --> 00:00:13,096
Fuck. What the fuck is this?
2
00:00:14,139 --> 00:00:15,849
What the fuck is this?
3
00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:42,583
Password?
4
00:00:43,084 --> 00:00:45,462
Um, right.
Um, before I guess the password...
5
00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:46,545
Oh.
6
00:00:48,548 --> 00:00:49,548
I know Tiff.
7
00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:00,518
Is this your apartment, or...?
8
00:01:15,825 --> 00:01:17,577
Never lay your hands on a mistress!
9
00:01:21,039 --> 00:01:23,208
Wah! Wah!
10
00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:33,301
Mistress May, your guest is here.
11
00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:35,511
Wait.
12
00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:37,806
What did you just call her?
13
00:01:49,025 --> 00:01:50,944
Welcome to my office.
14
00:01:55,156 --> 00:01:57,283
You told me you were a 911 operator.
15
00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:58,910
Yeah, I lied.
16
00:01:58,993 --> 00:02:01,663
I, like,
really don't know you anymore.
17
00:02:01,746 --> 00:02:05,917
All I need is someone to just
help me clean up and be my bodyguard.
18
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,294
You know, like the Kevin Costner
to my Whitney Houston.
19
00:02:08,378 --> 00:02:10,380
Kevin Costner gets shot at the end.
20
00:02:11,172 --> 00:02:12,715
Look, we don't have much time,
21
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:15,176
so either you're in or you're out.
22
00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:17,929
I don't know what you want me to do,
and I have so many questions.
23
00:02:18,012 --> 00:02:19,012
Okay.
24
00:02:19,347 --> 00:02:20,431
Do you trust me?
25
00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:22,767
Mmm...
26
00:02:23,643 --> 00:02:24,686
How much?
27
00:02:25,854 --> 00:02:27,772
Twenty percent of my nightly earnings.
28
00:02:28,064 --> 00:02:29,064
Fifty percent.
29
00:02:29,315 --> 00:02:30,315
Twenty.
30
00:02:31,609 --> 00:02:32,609
Deal.
31
00:02:34,863 --> 00:02:36,406
Why am I such an idiot?
32
00:02:36,489 --> 00:02:37,740
Okay, put this on.
33
00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:40,535
Wait, do you, like, have sex
with these people?
34
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:42,871
No, I'm a dom. Not a prostitute.
35
00:02:42,954 --> 00:02:45,373
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
36
00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:49,169
I feel like there's something
you're not telling me.
37
00:02:49,419 --> 00:02:50,753
All right.
38
00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:52,422
Um, he's ginormous.
39
00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:55,675
So, if he tries to attack me,
40
00:02:55,758 --> 00:02:58,803
just stab him in the leg
with one of those knives.
41
00:02:59,721 --> 00:03:01,139
Wait...
42
00:03:01,222 --> 00:03:02,724
Are we about to be killed, Tiff?
43
00:03:02,807 --> 00:03:04,851
It's Mistress May.
44
00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:06,686
Mistress May, are we about to be killed?
45
00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:08,020
Fuck.
46
00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:11,441
This what you get
for not trusting your goddamn instincts.
47
00:03:11,774 --> 00:03:12,817
Here we go.
48
00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:44,724
Guten Morgen, Mistress May.
49
00:03:51,272 --> 00:03:52,523
Ass play.
50
00:03:53,608 --> 00:03:54,651
Nice. Okay.
51
00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:18,966
It's too hot.
52
00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:23,263
Uh, you know, I have mom issues.
53
00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:25,765
Which no one finds sexy, by the way.
54
00:04:25,848 --> 00:04:26,891
Very strange.
55
00:04:26,975 --> 00:04:29,335
When a woman has daddy issues,
what do we do, what do we do?
56
00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:32,188
We're like, "Oh... I'll bet
she's wild in the bedroom."
57
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:33,832
But, like, when a guy has mommy issues,
58
00:04:33,856 --> 00:04:37,026
they're like, "Oh, I bet he struggles
to maintain an erection."
59
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,820
That's not fair.
60
00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:40,154
That's not fair at all.
61
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,782
I lost my virginity to a girl.
62
00:04:42,865 --> 00:04:44,784
I can't tell what's more unbelievable,
63
00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:46,452
that I've had sex with a woman,
64
00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:48,538
or that I've had sex.
65
00:04:50,039 --> 00:04:51,082
Is that the joke?
66
00:04:51,666 --> 00:04:55,211
Okay, well, your whole set is about
how you have your period, so...
67
00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:56,421
Write what you flow.
68
00:04:57,338 --> 00:04:59,138
Listen, I don't know
why you run bits past me.
69
00:04:59,215 --> 00:05:01,259
Why don't you just go up there and do it?
70
00:05:02,343 --> 00:05:04,637
I'm just... I'm just watching tonight.
71
00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:06,389
You're always "just watching."
72
00:05:06,472 --> 00:05:08,850
All right, you ready for your next comic?
Let's hear it!
73
00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:10,768
All right, all right!
74
00:05:10,852 --> 00:05:12,228
You know her, I hate her.
75
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:14,897
Let's give it up for Murphy!
76
00:05:17,442 --> 00:05:19,152
Keep it coming. Keep it going.
77
00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:23,614
What's up, you guys?
78
00:05:23,865 --> 00:05:26,117
Yeah, my name is Murphy,
but you can call me Joan...
79
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:28,453
because I bleed Rivers.
80
00:05:30,496 --> 00:05:31,873
It's a fucking joke.
81
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:37,587
So, if you've ever bothered
to open your syllabus
82
00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:40,798
or listen to a single word I've said,
83
00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:43,217
you would know that coming up, we have...
84
00:05:44,969 --> 00:05:46,721
Late as ever, Miss Chester.
85
00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:50,374
- Sorry.
- If you weren't so smart, I'd fail you.
86
00:05:51,517 --> 00:05:53,144
Where was I? Oh, right.
87
00:05:53,227 --> 00:05:56,272
Look who's sitting by me today.
88
00:05:57,398 --> 00:05:58,608
I'm a lesbian.
89
00:06:01,152 --> 00:06:02,695
My sister's a lesbian.
90
00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:06,866
She looks like me,
so she's definitely your type.
91
00:06:08,993 --> 00:06:10,495
I'm not actually a lesbian,
92
00:06:10,578 --> 00:06:13,247
but I'd like to pay attention
to the lecture, please.
93
00:06:17,835 --> 00:06:19,420
I'm an only child.
94
00:06:20,963 --> 00:06:22,965
And you can borrow my notes.
95
00:06:27,678 --> 00:06:28,971
That's right.
96
00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:30,556
Your presentation...
97
00:06:31,140 --> 00:06:33,518
is the psychology
98
00:06:33,601 --> 00:06:37,271
of why you are becoming a psychiatrist.
99
00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:40,858
So that means there are no wrong answers.
100
00:06:41,734 --> 00:06:42,819
Just answers I don't like.
101
00:06:47,156 --> 00:06:48,658
We're going over Delaware.
102
00:06:48,741 --> 00:06:52,453
We're doing a full flight
over the country...
103
00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:55,415
- Flying here, you know what I'm saying?
- Ooh, yeah.
104
00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:57,058
We haven't quite made it.
105
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:58,459
We haven't made it to LA.
106
00:06:58,543 --> 00:07:01,087
We only made it to the Rocky Mountains.
107
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,506
- I'm going into your Rocky Mountain!
- Frank?
108
00:07:03,589 --> 00:07:05,091
Can you guys hold up a second?
109
00:07:05,174 --> 00:07:07,861
- Come into my Rocky Mountain!
- My stewardess Wonder Woman...
110
00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:12,306
- Mayday! Mayday!
- Just flying through.
111
00:07:12,598 --> 00:07:13,599
Roomie!
112
00:07:13,933 --> 00:07:15,810
Hey, Portia. How's your mom doing?
113
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:18,771
- She's alive.
- Where you been all night, bro, huh?
114
00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:20,731
Fucking dudes?
115
00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:24,360
Oh, hey. I asked Portia if she'd put
her finger up my butt, but no go.
116
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:25,361
Thought of you.
117
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,655
- Thank you.
- I just got my nails done.
118
00:07:27,738 --> 00:07:29,782
This was before you got the rhinestones.
119
00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:32,827
Frank... you eat street meat.
120
00:07:32,910 --> 00:07:35,750
- Do you think I'm gonna stick my nail...
- Good luck landing the plane.
121
00:07:36,414 --> 00:07:39,208
Oh, uh, roomie! Rent is due.
122
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:41,043
And I mean it this time.
123
00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:43,128
Of course.
124
00:07:57,894 --> 00:08:00,146
Okay, but just promise me though,
125
00:08:00,229 --> 00:08:03,816
when-when-when your fingernail falls off,
126
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:06,944
that we can revisit this issue
with open minds
127
00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:09,572
and supportive hearts.
128
00:08:09,655 --> 00:08:11,908
Oh, but Frank, can't we just...
129
00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:14,911
use a cucumber or-or a broomstick?
130
00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:16,370
Well...
131
00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:20,374
It's about skin to skin. Like a baby.
132
00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:22,793
It's about connection.
133
00:08:22,877 --> 00:08:25,671
I don't want any connection
with your bum hole, Frank.
134
00:08:26,214 --> 00:08:28,925
You can just pay for somebody to do it,
for all I care.
135
00:09:08,297 --> 00:09:09,297
It's time.
136
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:28,985
Good... good evening, Mistress May.
137
00:09:31,153 --> 00:09:33,406
Did I give you permission to speak?
138
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:39,870
We have Fred in the trunk.
139
00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:41,223
He's into...
140
00:09:41,247 --> 00:09:43,833
Torture, wax play, piss play,
humiliation...
141
00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:45,668
Wait, did you just say "piss play"?
142
00:09:46,460 --> 00:09:49,714
Okay, I know a lot of this
is probably outside your comfort zone,
143
00:09:49,797 --> 00:09:53,676
but maybe it needs to get in your zone,
because this is your job now.
144
00:09:54,218 --> 00:09:55,218
Eh, Petey?
145
00:09:55,511 --> 00:09:56,511
Carter.
146
00:09:57,388 --> 00:09:58,848
You get Mistress May.
147
00:09:58,931 --> 00:10:00,224
I want a fake name, too.
148
00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:04,687
As long as you do what I say,
I'll call you whatever the fuck you want.
149
00:10:05,896 --> 00:10:06,896
Carter.
150
00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:10,484
Let's do this shit.
151
00:10:13,112 --> 00:10:14,488
Permission to speak.
152
00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:18,951
Wh... Where am I?
153
00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:22,997
You're very, very far away
from anybody.
154
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:25,625
- Oh, yeah.
- In the middle of the country.
155
00:10:25,708 --> 00:10:28,085
Oh, yeah. The country.
156
00:10:28,169 --> 00:10:30,504
Fuck you, motherfucker!
This is New York!
157
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:34,467
Oh!
158
00:10:35,217 --> 00:10:37,136
- Wilma.
- Say it, Fred.
159
00:10:37,219 --> 00:10:38,512
Oh! Ah!
160
00:10:38,596 --> 00:10:40,306
Who else lives in Bedrock, Fred?
161
00:10:40,973 --> 00:10:41,973
Pebbles.
162
00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:46,520
Do not be such a baby puss, Fred!
163
00:10:51,108 --> 00:10:53,486
Um, is he saying Flintstones characters?
164
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:54,862
Barney Rubble's his safe word,
165
00:10:54,945 --> 00:10:58,115
so we go through all the characters
until he can't stand it anymore.
166
00:10:58,199 --> 00:10:59,992
Gross. That's a kid's show.
167
00:11:00,951 --> 00:11:02,244
Go change, Carter.
168
00:11:03,704 --> 00:11:04,997
"Go change, Carter."
169
00:11:06,123 --> 00:11:07,249
Oh.
170
00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:12,380
Fred?
171
00:11:13,255 --> 00:11:15,049
Have you been a bad boy lately?
172
00:11:15,966 --> 00:11:17,468
Betty... Rubble.
173
00:11:18,010 --> 00:11:19,010
How bad?
174
00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:20,179
Bad.
175
00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:21,555
ISIS bad.
176
00:11:23,182 --> 00:11:25,309
I deserve to be punished.
177
00:11:25,393 --> 00:11:28,771
I decide what you deserve,
you pathetic tiny-dicked piece of shit!
178
00:11:30,314 --> 00:11:31,482
Make fun...
179
00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:33,693
of my tiny...
180
00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:35,110
penis.
181
00:11:35,152 --> 00:11:36,404
Please?
182
00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:43,411
- Mistress May, is Carter laughing at me?
- No.
183
00:11:46,205 --> 00:11:47,998
I think I like it.
184
00:11:50,167 --> 00:11:54,255
Can Carter make fun of my tiny dick,
Mistress May?
185
00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:57,299
Carter,
186
00:11:57,591 --> 00:12:00,678
how small is this pathetic excuse
for a dick?
187
00:12:01,512 --> 00:12:03,514
- Carter pleads the fifth.
- Carter, please...
188
00:12:03,597 --> 00:12:05,037
- Answer the question.
- No means no.
189
00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:06,099
Fred...
190
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,769
Mmm, Carter needs his money so bad.
191
00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:10,479
Oh, Carter! Poor... poor Carter!
192
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:12,732
Mommy and Daddy stopped paying the bills.
193
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:16,694
He's just a sad, little
wannabe stand-up comedian
194
00:12:16,777 --> 00:12:18,654
who can't even pay his rent.
195
00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:23,868
So Carter is gonna speak on this dick
like he's giving a fucking Ted Talk,
196
00:12:23,951 --> 00:12:26,454
or he'll take his ass back home to Georgia
where it belongs.
197
00:12:26,537 --> 00:12:28,956
Don't talk to me
like we're still in high school.
198
00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:30,624
Do what I fucking tell you to do.
199
00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:32,501
Barney Rubble.
200
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:35,063
- Fred said "Barney Rubble."
- Oh, so now you care about Fred's...
201
00:12:35,087 --> 00:12:36,087
Barney Rubble?
202
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:38,840
Oh, my God.
203
00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:40,008
Fred.
204
00:12:40,384 --> 00:12:41,844
I am so sorry.
205
00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:42,927
Are you okay?
206
00:12:44,930 --> 00:12:46,140
Are you guys a couple?
207
00:12:46,682 --> 00:12:47,850
No, he's gay.
208
00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:49,894
That is my information to share.
209
00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:51,936
So...
210
00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:55,232
You've seen a lot of penises?
211
00:12:56,650 --> 00:12:58,027
Well, I wouldn't say a lot.
212
00:12:58,527 --> 00:12:59,527
Is mine...
213
00:13:00,154 --> 00:13:01,614
the smallest...
214
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:04,116
you've ever seen?
215
00:13:16,295 --> 00:13:18,672
The smallest penis I've ever seen.
216
00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:24,345
Bamm-Bamm.
217
00:13:26,305 --> 00:13:27,305
I mean...
218
00:13:27,723 --> 00:13:29,725
I've seen more meat in a vegan kitchen.
219
00:13:31,769 --> 00:13:34,730
Is that a Pulitzer?
Because it's A Raisin in the Sun.
220
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,774
Oh, Dino, Carter...
221
00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:39,985
A little bit of Proactiv
oughta clear that the fuck up.
222
00:13:40,069 --> 00:13:42,780
The Lollipop Guild wants to make it
an honorary member.
223
00:13:43,030 --> 00:13:45,150
My anorexic friend wants the number
of your dietitian.
224
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:49,036
I've seen bigger dicks in a dyke bar
without my contacts in!
225
00:13:49,119 --> 00:13:51,497
Oh, thank you! Thank you!
226
00:13:51,580 --> 00:13:52,748
Thank you!
227
00:14:00,798 --> 00:14:03,509
Oh, my God. You killed it in there!
228
00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:07,263
You know,
I can drive the car and help out, but...
229
00:14:08,264 --> 00:14:10,599
I'm not cut out
for what just happened in there.
230
00:14:12,601 --> 00:14:13,601
Yeah.
231
00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:15,019
You're right.
232
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:16,855
I am?
233
00:14:18,023 --> 00:14:19,024
Yeah, that...
234
00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:20,943
That was Carter in there.
235
00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:22,026
So...
236
00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:24,738
If you see him again, just, uh...
237
00:14:25,656 --> 00:14:28,325
let him know there's a lot more
where this came from.
238
00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:37,626
Hey, where you going?
239
00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:40,212
Grad school waits for no dominatrix.
240
00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:57,229
Maybe next time, you can pee on me.
16636
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