Original subtitles

♪ You know it's gotta be G'd up, yep ♪

♪ That kind of ish that make you cowards ♪

♪ Get beat up, ha-ha ♪

♪ We on the outs until we called and go do bids ♪

♪ Man, you know the streets ain't for kids ♪

♪ Come on, come on ♪

♪ I can't take the hood out of me ♪

A stray bullet from the shooting struck and killed

the zoo's 100-year-old giant tortoise, General Sherman,

another senseless gang murder.

On today's Bright Side report, students at Wilson Goode Middle

School are racing to complete their readathon

challenge to read 5,000 books in the month of Bookvember.

If they reach that goal by tomorrow's deadline,

every participating student will enjoy a pizza party

and the ritual humiliation of their principal

shaving his hair into a mohawk.

Read!

Literate yourselves!

It's pronounced "Terabithia!"

We are this close to reaching our goal for the first time.

The kids can smell the pepperoni.

They usually smell the dog food factory

upwind a block from here.

If the school does earn its first-ever pizza party,

it'll be put over the top thanks to the efforts of one

dedicated student, who has read over 400 books himself,

sixth-grader Kevin Hart.

Damn, Kev, you on TV, just like that turtle who saw

some shit he shouldn't have.

I'm proud of you, son.

You're an inspiration.

Mwah!

Now, don't overdo it on that pizza today.

You know how cheese backs you up.

Rest easy, Mom.

You know I practice moderation in all things.

So much pizza!

I'm gonna eat it all!

I want you inside me now.

Ahh.

We actually did it.

Augh!

Somebody broke into our classroom!

Oh, man.

And we made it up to two.

They took the pencil sharpener, the globe--

which only had England and France and some sea monsters

on it, so it's not a great loss,

but this is a major violation.

You'd be surprised the things crackheads

would steal for crack, because they on crack.

Oh, no, it's such a shame.

It's gonna take the fun out of our pizza party.

Who am I kidding?

No, it won't.

Uh-oh.

Uh, they took the Bookvember Fest logbook.

What?

Niggas will steal anything!

All the other notebooks are here,

but the readathon one is gone.

That's OK, right?

I mean, you tallied up all the books.

Turned the total in for certification, right?

No.

I was going to turn the book in today.

But without the logbook, it's not official that we

read all the books, so--

Oh, you sweet boy.

I'm afraid there's no pizza party.

Damn, damn, damn!

Come on! Stay with us!

Live!

Don't you die on us, you culo.

Time of death, 9:10 a.m.

At least we can lay him to rest with his next of kin.

This hospital is a disaster.

A patient flatlined while I was fixing the toilet yesterday,

and I had to resuscitate him with the plunger.

Ay, this hospital needs 50 ccs of dinero.

We need somebody on the inside to fight for us.

I will fight for you.

They said I'd never defeat an incumbent or a drunk

who doesn't wear drawers.

But I did.

And as your senator, I'll make history again.

I'm Coleman Bridges, and I'll fight for Philadelphia

in Washington.

Him.

We got that snake in a three-piece suit elected.

He owes us.

Yes, he does.

I am gonna march right up to his office

and give that man a piece of my behind.

Hmm.

I mean my mind.

And then maybe my behind if he's into that.

After all the evidence has been heard,

the prosecutor and the defense attorney give their summations.

Well, this just doesn't make sense.

The jury must find the defendant

guilty beyond a reasonable doubt or else--

I have a reasonable doubt about this whole thing.

Kevin.

Miss Green, a crackhead didn't break in here.

I mean, why take a logbook, but leave the VCR or the boombox,

or all the confiscated drugs in your desk?

Damn!

And what do we have here?

Of all the notebooks in your cabinet,

the robber only took the readathon logbook

because he stole it to deny us our hard-won pizza party.

But who could hate pizza that much?

Someone who wasn't going to get pizza because that someone

didn't participate in a reading challenge

because they think "books are ass," someone like--

No pizza for you, you book-loving bitches!

I done told y'all, reading be ass.

There's your thief!

We're so overtaxed that sometimes we have to put

four patients in one bed.

Yeah, we call that Willy Wonka-ing.

And occasionally, one of the patients

makes chocolate in the bed.

Ironic, huh?

Unconscionable.

Thank you for inviting me here today.

There is an appropriations vote before the council this Monday,

and I give you my word--

Thank the Lord.

that I will cast my vote to finally shut this

substandard hospital down.

Pizza murderer!

You've got marinara on your hands!

And I'm about to throw these hands, bitch!

Whoa!

Ooh!

Everyone, please calm down!

Order, children!

Order!

Chin Check stole the logbook!

Hell no!

I'm innocent, Ka-Ka Kev!

I'm not Ka-Ka!

I'm officially Comedy Kev now!

Yeah, he changed that narrative a long time

ago, bitch.

Listen up!

I'm as upset about all of this as you.

It pained me to cancel that order for all those pizzas.

I got this stupid Mr. T look for nothing!

But Mr. Hart, I pity the fool who levels baseless

allegations in my school.

That's right.

We're a country of laws.

In America, we have a system where

the accused gets a fair trial.

Yeah, right.

Tell that to the Central Park Five.

That's what I'm contractually obligated to tell you.

But what if we held a fair trial of our own

for our civics unit?

You can all play a role, Kevin, the prosecutor.

Rhe Rhe, the defense.

And if I prove that Chin Check stole the logbook,

we'll have our pizzas?

Yes, if you prove Mr. Check's guilt

and recover the logbook, then and only then,

you can have your pizza party.

Friends, I promise you that that book will be recovered

and that pizza will be ours.

And Rhe Rhe, though we'll be opponents in this trial,

I hope this won't affect our personal relationship.

It won't.

Good.

Justice will be served.

And as God is my witness, it will have stuffed crust.

Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

You know what I like!

Go, Kev!

Go, Kev!

Your smoothie, sir.

It better be smooth this time.

I bet not find one banana lump.

- Hey, hey. - Hey, pendejo.

What the hell was that?

You can't close us down!

The neighborhood depends on this hospital.

Ladies, you just spent an hour proving to me

that King is a disaster area.

The funds the city wastes on it can

be better used at Money Permanente

Medical Center downtown.

Money Permanente?

You mean the HMO that's funding your Senate campaign?

Legally, the councilman knows nothing, allegedly, about that.

Allegedly.

Councilman, that fancy place is miles away.

You have to take four buses to get there.

The community needs this hospital.

It's vital to them.

You must no-- you cannot close Killer King--

uh, I mean regular King.

Savior King. - Sorry.

Go, go, go.

That's a bad sign.

Now that's a bad sign.

Let me get the eyelash glue.

In the criminal justice system,

the people are represented by two separate

yet equally important groups--

the police who investigate--

Soupy, this isn't an episode of "Law & Order."

Dang!

Can a nigga get one bom bom?

I'll allow it.

Thanks.

Bom bom.

The prosecution will make its opening statement.

Your Honor, members of the jury, Rhe Rhe.

Look, we all know you did it, OK?

Just give us the book back, and we can all have our pizza.

The end.

Do the bom bom.

Bom bom.

Man, this is bullshit!

Watch your mouth, Chin Check.

It's not over yet.

The defense will make her opening statement.

Thank you, Miss Green.

My job is to convince the jury that Chin

Check didn't take that book.

But come on.

He probably did it, right?

Rhe Rhe, you're supposed to defend him.

Hey, I like pizza, too.

He did it.

Stop making a mockery of my mock trial!

Guilty! Guilty!

Guilty! Guilty!

Man, fuck this shit!

I'm out of here!

Well, I think we're done here.

Let's order that pizza.

We are not done.

Kevin, if you want that pizza party,

then you have to prove Chin Check did it

and find that logbook.

Is that clear?

Yes, Miss Green.

Good.

Until tomorrow morning, we'll stand in recess.

Recess, all right!

Whoo! Yeah, recess!

The system sucks balls.

Let's review everyone's ideas to save the hospital.

Mrs. Park suggested arson for that insurance good-good.

I know someone who can torch it-- me.

Mm-mm.

Darnell suggested we sell those hospital gowns

with the ass out.

Who doesn't love lounging around the house on a Sunday

with a cool breeze and easy access?

And Mrs. Old Lady suggested that we

raise money by tap dancing like Bojangles Robinson.

I love how Shirley Temple tolerated him.

Now, that was her real talent.

We're going to lose the hospital.

I don't know what to do.

I do.

But I don't think you want to hear it.

Girl, I'm so desperate.

Even if you was Shabba Ranks, I'd want to hear it.

And you know how much I hate dancehall reggae.

OK.

Blackmail Coleman Bridges.

Threaten his mama, throw boiling albondigas

on him, whatever it takes.

Mm.

I told you.

You wouldn't want to hear it.

We can't compromise our morals.

We have to be better than that.

When they go low, we go high.

Wrong.

When they go low, we go lower.

And we kick their nuts.

If we want to save our hospital,

our only choice is to get some low-class people together

and do some down and dirty immoral

shit on Bridges that might put us in jail.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I believe the Hispanic.

Forgive me, Father Coughlin.

In!

I haven't crammed in a while.

If he's in, I'm coming too!

Marisol, I know you mean well, but I can't do it.

It's not who I am.

OK, have it your way.

I'll be here when you change your mind.

I'll be heating up my boiling albondigas.

The free clinic says diabetes took my leg,

but I know it was him.

Chin Check steals everything.

I haven't eaten my lunch in years.

That's why I got rickets! Ew!

Come on, we all know he did it!

Oh, for the umpteenth time, you're supposed

to be on his side, Rhe Rhe!

Dante-- I mean, Mr. Dirty, what did you hear the defendant

say about our pizza party?

He said--

and I quote--

that it was ass.

Oh, I say a lot of stuff be ass!

That's my catchphrase!

I didn't take that book!

I couldn't have took it. - Couldn't?

Why?

I ain't telling you.

Snitching be ass.

Well, I say book thievery be ass.

No, you be ass!

This whole trial be ass!

Justice be ass!

America be ass!

Malcolm X couldn't have said it any better.

Let's try again tomorrow.

Kev, are you still gonna get us our pizza?

I'm not so sure, Dirty Dante.

No pizza?

Bom bom.

Lord, I don't want to lower my morals.

Please guide me with your wisdom.

Now are you ready to do what has to be did?

I am.

Let's do it your way and take down Bridges.

Yes, Marisol's time to shine.

OK, team, let's do someone dirty.

I'm going to blow the biggest case of in career,

and the only case in my career.

I gotta nail this guy.

I'm sorry, pizzas.

I let you down.

Get the fuck away from my window.

You're scaring my customers.

Sorry.

I'm just looking at the pizzas I'll never eat.

Guess you're mad Principal Johnson had

to cancel that big order, huh?

Principal Johnson?

That dude never called in no pizza order.

Oh!

Watch it.

Are you ignorant?

The sign clearly says, "Don't Walk."

Shut your ass up!

I saw it.

Maybe I wanted to almost get hit.

Huh? Oh!

Ugh!

Stupid bitch!

Why didn't you warn me?

Oh, god!

I was wrong.

Mister, you just helped me solve this case.

Good.

Now solve the mystery on why the fuck

you are still talking to me.

Right after you answer a few more of my questions.

Ugh, nigga.

OK, I speak, I wave, I kiss one baby that's cute,

but not cuter than me, and we leave for the fundraiser.

There he is.

It's go time.

Hey, it's my plan and my team.

I get to say that.

It's go time.

OK, let's get this going.

Get my good side, DelRoy.

Motherfucker, I said my good side.

Damn, woman!

You got 15 sides.

Uh, excuse me, but this is my photo op.

And this is my foot.

You soggy piece of sourdough.

The Negroes are fighting again!

Expired hot sauce eggnog, work your magic.

My friends, if North Philadelphia is

to thrive, then we must close down this antiquated

eyesore and in its place--

My chest!

Class, I have been advised by the, uh, attorney general

that it's time for us to end the trial,

grieve the pizza party, and start our unit on fractions.

So if everybody could just--

Your Honor, if I may, I would like

to make a closing statement.

Young ladies and gentleboys of the jury,

it is the solemn job of the prosecution

to see that justice is done.

In that spirit, it is my firm belief

that Chin Check is innocent!

I didn't see that shit coming.

I submit that Chin Check couldn't have taken the logbook

because he couldn't tell which book in Miss Green's cabinet

was the logbook.

My proof is on this.

Chin Check, now, what does this say?

Uh, it says--

it says, you be ass!

That's right.

You think reading be ass.

And maybe it is.

But maybe you feel that way because you can't read!

you!

I can read!

I see words backwards like everybody else.

Oh, my god.

He's dyslexic.

No, I ain't!

Mind your own nizbiz!

I'm having a heart attack.

Take me to Money Permanente.

Sorry to have to be the one to say this,

but your transternator's fucked.

Help me!

We got you.

We'll take you right to King.

No!

Not Killer King.

You go where we take you, motherfucker.

So if Chin Check didn't take the book, then who did?

Maybe you know, Principal Johnson.

Well, now, hold on.

Why would I know?

The answer is on this paper that Chin Check couldn't read.

Can you?

Ah.

Oh, my Lord.

Principal Johnson made a promise.

If we read 5,000 books, he'd get a Mr. T,

and we'd get pizza.

See, but he never thought we'd do it.

But we did.

Going Mr. T was easy, but getting the students

of this school 70 extra-large pepperoni pizzas, well, that

was hard when the only pizza place in our hood

won't serve you.

That's why you stole the logbook, why

you robbed us of our cheesy reward,

because your checks bounced!

- Oh, shit! - Ugh.

Oh, damn.

You're right!

God damn it.

It's true!

They repoed my car.

My wife left me.

I overdrew my account.

God damn it.

I did it, so help me, God.

That'll get the kids to trust teachers more.

OK, here they come.

Get ready to act your asses off.

This is so exciting.

I know, right?

Whoever said crime don't pay probably

was just terrible at crime.

Hey, hey, hey, corny nigga coming through.

Watch out.

Ooh, you came to the right place, brother.

They got some angels of mercy here.

God bless King Hospital.

Wait a minute.

Didn't I see you outside just now?

Oh, so all of us fixed income folks look alike to you?

You uppity Neg--

Councilman Bridges, I'll--

I'll try to get to you.

We're a little crowded with all the neighborhood folk

who depend on us.

Please!

I'm dying here, lady.

Let's hope old Sparky hanging in there.

No!

Please, please, save me.

What's it worth to you, Councilman?

It's true.

The district is so poor that I'm

going bankrupt buying school supplies with my own money.

The pizza party would have ruined me!

So, in desperation, I took the logbook

and tried to pin it on a crackhead!

It was a perfect plan, and I would

have gotten away with it if it wasn't

for you overachieving kids.

It's OK, Principal Johnson.

You were only trying to help.

Yeah, look, just because you're broke and sad,

it doesn't mean that you're a bad person.

And I'm pretty sure if Chin Check is dyslexic,

then we can get state funding to help him.

That's right.

We can.

So much state funding.

God bless you, you learning disabled little hero.

Now we can have 100 pizza parties.

Yay!

Whoo-hoo!

I pledge my support for repairs and new equipment

for Killer--

King Hospital.

Sis, you on TV, just like Lena Horne,

or that bitch-ass turtle.

And I thank the dedicated professionals

who saved my life during my recent medical emergency.

Saved him from his indigestion,

but he'll never know that.

How does it feel, Nancy?

I hope I never have to do something like this again.

But we did the right thing.

Thank you.

De nada.

And thank you and your team.

Here's your cut.

Now that's what I'm talking about.

Yo, check it out.

We're billionaires.

Yeah!

I must admit, this pizza ain't ass.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Ah.

That pizza party was everything.

Sorry again for saying you did it.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll beat the shit out of you for that later.

But for now, I'm going to enjoy all

this cheese before my sleepover with the toilet tonight.

And maybe reading ain't ass after all.

Maybe I was ass for hating on it.

And now I could get some help so I

can read about all the non-ass stuff in them ass books.

You know, maybe the first book you should read

is a dictionary.

I think I'm gonna beat the shit out of you now.