Original subtitles

♪ You know it's gotta be G'd up ♪

♪ The kind of ish that make you cowards get beat up ♪

♪ We on the outs until we caught it and go do bids ♪

♪ Man, you know the streets ain't for kids ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ I can't take the hood out of me ♪

Damn you, Folgers crystals!

What's going on, Ma?

Maybe you need to lay off the coffee.

That judge did give you a strict three-cup-a-day limit.

It's not that, boulder head.

I'm in a rush 'cause I just heard my beautician Ronda

is out sick with the hantavirus.

Hanta-what?

It's something you can get when you're exposed to rodents.

She can't do my hair because she has diarrhea

and severe abdominal pain.

She's so selfish.

Now I have to do a walk-in at my old salon

if I want my hair to be acceptable

for the pastor's anniversary tomorrow night.

I'm glad I'm not you, Ma.

Last time you got your hair done,

you were there so long,

you missed a major milestone in my life.

For the umpteenth time, I apologize

for not being at your christening

because I had to get my hair done for your christening!

Well, I better hurry up and get myself on that walk-in list.

I don't have time to make you boys lunch,

so I'm writing a detailed list of everything

I need your uncle to do.

He's in charge when I'm gone, so whatever he says goes.

Understand? - Yeah.

- I guess. - Good.

Now, give this to your uncle

and be sure to let him know this money is only to be used

for an emergency!

Ooh, pray for me.

You know I'm going to need it.

There's two things I look for in a man,

the money to control his own destiny

and bomb dance skills.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Were you thinking about how fine Halle Berry be looking?

No, you idiot!

I'm not talking about Halle Berry,

although she is fine.

I was just thinking, maybe we should split

the emergency cash and then trash the note.

Unc would never know!

Damn, Kev, that's the kind of maniacal shit I would do.

I'm sure this has got something to do with that Rhe-Rhe.

Good enough for me.

Now give me my cut.

What's all this damn jibber-jabber about?

Y'all fucking with a nigga beauty sleep.

Nothing, Mom had an emergency hair appointment.

Poor, poor woman.

God bless her.

She said you're in charge while she's gone, Unc.

And she say you got to do all the house chores

and clean up our rooms, too.

That's a heavy responsibility,

which is going to require me to be a little bit more caring.

Now hurry up and get dressed

and get the fuck out of my hide!

Ladies, as you can see, everybody and their mama

is up in here to get their hair done

for the pastor's anniversary.

So I kindly ask you to please be patient and courteous.

Uh-uh, forget all that!

My baby hair need to be attended to, pronto.

If you have a problem properly conducting yourselves,

I will shove a hot comb down your fucking throat!

Ay, Dios.

Do I make myself clear?

I always knew this place was ghetto,

but not level-orange ghetto.

Hey, Keisha, girl!

Well, if it isn't Nancy,

I'm too good to get my hair done

at Keisha's anymore, Hart.

It's nothing like that, Keisha.

I didn't want to leave.

You know the only reason I left you

was because you had to go away for a little while.

Well, ain't nobody perfect.

A bitch had to do a week in the county

because she got some unresolved anger issues.

- Ow! - I completely understand.

It is a struggle sometimes.

And about that, could you see your way clear

to squeezing me in on your waiting list?

I really need my hair done.

Hmm, I got to do a finger wave,

some spiral curls, a couple of side ponytails,

a bob, swoop, crimps, and some French twists.

You're number 12 on the wait list.

See, now, this is some bullshit.

She's the third person you gave number 12.

Can somebody hand me my hot comb?

Ugh, good thing I brought a book to read.

Girl, we going to be here so long,

you should have brought a book to write.

Boys and girls, we are holding

art class outside today.

This is going to be so much fun!

That's what I'm talking about, bitch.

So we can paint our Black pride mural.

This is bullshit, bitch!

All right, I know it's really exciting,

but we will be starting right after lunch, OK?

Lunch is Kev's time to really impress Rhe-Rhe.

Watch the master work.

Uh, hey, Rhe-Rhe.

I just want you to know that I have what it takes

to control my destiny.

I jumped the fence,

went over to that cart right there,

and I purchased my lunch today,

did it with my own money.

Got myself a cheesesteak with extra peppers,

a Frank's black cherry to wash it down,

and a strawberry yogurt for dessert.

Ain't no other kids in here buying their own stuff

with they broke asses.

Oh, OK.

Uh, did y'all hear that? OK, that's short for, ooh, Kev!

♪ Work that thing, yeah, let me see you do it ♪

♪ Show me what you got ♪

♪ It's time to get into it ♪

Lunch period has now started.

All you poor kids, please have

your free-lunch cards out

to prove that your family... - Gotta get dirty.

Has no money.

It's showtime!

There you go, child.

God bless you.

Morning, Ms. Gloria.

Hello, young man.

How's your mother, still haven't found a job?

Nope, it's been months now.

And she's too proud to admit

that we need free-lunch tickets.

Oh, that poor, sad, impoverished woman!

I will keep her in my prayers.

Here.

Bless you.

My eight siblings and I can stretch this for dinner tonight

and breakfast tomorrow.

Take these, too.

God bless you, ma'am.

I got turkey sandwiches.

Turkey sandwiches here,

made with the finest government cheeses.

Yes, sir, this $6 pushcart cheesesteak

with extra peppers is delicious,

probably the best that I--

Mm, I'm glad you're enjoying your food.

OK, let's get going on our pride mural.

We will be working in pairs.

Oh, come on, God. Please let me be with Rhe-Rhe.

Come on, please, please, please, please, please!

Rhe-Rhe will be partnered with Kevin.

Oh, my God, my prayer worked!

Oh, I got to start going to church more often.

Let's make a thing of beauty.

♪ It's you and me, you and me ♪

♪ And it's mostly happy, heavy ♪

♪ 'Cause I love it, love it ♪

♪ When I'm here with you, with you, with you ♪

♪ Yeah, it makes me feel so, feel so, feel so happy ♪

Um, Kevin, are you OK?

Of course.

Everything's always OK when you're around.

Hold on, oh, man.

I had a dream that you got the bubble guts, Kev!

Excuse me, Miss Green? Can I get a pass?

OK, oh, God.

Kev's going to blow.

Brothers and sisters, do what I didn't do in Memphis, duck!

Ew!

Everybody, from now on, Kev's new nickname

is the Green Chunk Punk.

all: Green Chunk Punk,

Green Chunk Punk, Green Chunk Punk!

I am not controlling my own destiny

right now.

Next on BET, "Mr. Baby's Mom,"

starring Larenz Tate.

Pfft, that nigga Larenz Tate parenting skills

ain't got shit on mine.

Unc, my life as I know it is over!

A mother's work is never done.

Oh.

Hello, Richard. I did it!

I know it's late, but I finally got in the chair,

and I'm not leaving until I get that Halle Berry special.

I need you to continue

running the house until I get back,

no matter how long it takes. - No problem.

Everything's good here.

Emergency--No, no!

I'll see you when you get out. Bye!

Don't puke on my bathroom floor.

I just waxed it! - Oh.

Mm, just like they used to make it in the joint,

so penitentiary. - Good morning, Unc.

Damn, Kev, It's 10-o-fucking clock.

Why the hell you not in school?

Well, first of all, you know, I still feel a little shaky,

and, secondly, I'm never, never going back there

after what happened to me yesterday.

I refuse to be called the Green Chunk Punk

for the rest of my life.

Oh, so you're going to let a little bitch-ass tummy ache

stop you from getting your grind on, hmm?

Yes, that's pretty much my plan.

Wrong!

If you don't go back there and handle that shit

the right way, guarantee, they'll call you

Green Chunk Punk for the rest of your life.

- Huh? - OK.

Seeing as I'm your parent now,

let me help you out in a way

that Cliff Huxtable helped out Theo.

Man, in the joint one time, I was playing one-on-one

with a dude named Dozy Loke.

They called him Dozy Loke

because the nigga had narcolepsy.

Anyway, he goes up for a dunk.

I'm talking the Clyde the Glide,

nuts-in-your-face kind of dunk. - Ah, oh, ow, oh, ugh.

Well, that made everybody on the yard

start calling me Teabag Richie. - Oh, my.

That really happened to you? - Oh, hell, yeah.

Who's going to lie about balls in their face?

I mean, I ain't got no problem with it,

if that's what you're into.

Every fucking day, people called me Teabag Richie.

I couldn't stand that shit.

So I waited till the next time Dozy Loke nodded off,

and I slapped that nigga so hard,

I cured his narcolepsy.

After that, everybody called me Back Slap Bill.

That's what you got to do.

- Cure somebody's narcolepsy? - No, fool.

Change the narrative!

You gotta roll back up to that school

and do something that'll make them forget

all about Green Chunk Punk.

Control your destiny.

Control it with your chest!

You know what? I will.

Thanks for the advice, Unc. - Yeah, you're welcome.

Just don't, uh, try that slap thing.

I got that shit trademarked.

How you doing today, Robert?

Taking it day by day.

My cousins Nettie, Adam, and Celia just visiting,

and they haven't had real food in months,

just Pop Rocks and Tic Tacs.

Why must we live like this?

Oh, here, son.

Take these so you and those babies

can have full bellies.

Thank you so much, Ms. Gloria.

Nettie, Adam, and Celia?

Now, where have I heard those names before?

Oh, hello, Kevin. Are you feeling better?

- Yes, Miss Green. - I'm glad.

Well, we're going to give the mural another try.

You know, we move on.

Hey, Green Chunk Punk showed his green chunk face again!

Yes, we do move on.

It's time. Don't mess up on your lines.

Look, everybody, Kev's rocking the new style

that Kris Kross made popular!

What?

Mr. Hart, your overalls appear to be on backwards!

No, they're on right, Principal Johnson.

Kris Kross Kev is changing the narrative.

Hit it!

♪ Lil Kev'll make you jump, jump ♪

♪ Lil Kev'll make you jump, jump ♪

Oh, no, man, I gotta--

♪ Jump, jump ♪

I gotta go. Come on, come on.

Oh, no, man, stupid overalls!

Why won't you work backwards?

This cannot be happening!

It's everywhere! It's even in my socks!

Oh, man, Green Chunk Punk shit all over himself.

From now on, Kev's new name is Caca Kev!

all: Caca Kev! Caca Kev!

Caca Kev!

Get your burritos, hot and mild sauce included!

Your cousin's names are from "The Color Purple"!

Oh, shit, Ms. Gloria!

I am so ashamed that I lied to you.

I'm just glad my mother isn't alive to see me like this.

Did I mention she died this morning?

My mother, Claudine? - Claudine?

Boy, get your butt back into that school!

Ooh, Nancy, your hair is so pretty!

You must have Indian in your family.

Almost done, just a couple more hours,

and you'll be out of here.

Everybody on the ground right now, or I'll fuck you up.

Calm down, cheeky. - A knife.

Now listen to me and listen to me good.

I want a flat-iron flip with some of them waterfalls

and a swoop, not now, but right the hell now.

And, you, get the hell out of my chair!

Fuck you!

I'm going to SuperCut, where they know

how to treat a bitch right.

And if you come back,

I'll jam these scissors in your eye!

I do believe you were about to bump my ends?

Attention, students!

Kevin has cleaned himself up.

He is wearing clothes from the lost and found

and a hat that he hopes will change the narrative.

Do not mock him.

Repeat, do not mock him!

You are welcome!

- Hey, guys. - Look, everyone!

It's Caca Kev, wearing a crappy cap.

all: Caca Kev, crappy cap!

Caca Kev, crappy cap!

That's enough!

I'm tired of being the butt of your little stupid joke.

Y'all hear that? Caca Kev said "butt"!

You fucking fat-head, ass-yanking, snaggle-tooth,

bear-breath, ringworm-having,

reject from three different foster homes,

flunked out of the third grade dumbass motherfucker!

Oh, I ain't done.

You musty, no-deodorant-wearing,

booger-nose, paste-eating, mama's a ho,

has been on Maury Povich eight times,

but still don't know who your daddy is ass nigga!

Man down!

Kev ain't Caca Kev no more.

He's Comedy Kev now.

all: Comedy Kev, Comedy Kev!

Comedy Kev, Comedy Kev!

Oh, my God, I did it.

I changed the narrative!

all: Comedy Kev, Comedy Kev,

Comedy Kev, Comedy Kev, Comedy Kev!

Fight, fight, fight!

Fight, fight, fight, fight!

I'll be back with the author

of "My Menopause, Myself" in a minute.

Don't nobody know our pain.

Yo, who this?

I am the principal at Kevin's school.

Damn, nigga, what the fuck? Is you on a bullhorn?

Oops, my bad!

I'm calling to let you know that Kevin

got into a little altercation this afternoon.

He has a few minor injuries, but he'll live.

Bring a fresh set of clothes and come get him.

I changed the narrative, Unc.

I did exactly what you told me to do, and it worked!

Oh, shit. I'm on my way.

Damn, this parenting shit ain't no joke.

Who this now?

May I please speak to the legal guardian of Robert Hart?

Fuck!

If I don't get this shit fixed, Nancy gonna kill my Black ass.

Oh, shit.

Ah, my man Richard! What's the hurry?

Oh, man, Nancy put me in charge of your damn kids

while she's in the hair salon,

and I just got a call from their school,

talking about I got to get down there

and deal with some bullshit they done got themselves into.

Ooh, boy, I sure don't envy you.

Good luck with that. - They your kids, motherfucker!

I've been their mom and dad by myself, no help, no sleep,

no pussy for 48 hours.

Do I look like Eddie motherfucking Murphy, nigga?

All right, all right, well, I'll do it.

I'll go ahead and take care of my boys.

I mean, I did shoot them out my salami rocket.

I don't remember the time in particular, but they mine,

and I guess that's what I'm going to do.

Good, I'll handle Lil Kev's fight situation,

and you deal with Robert's fraud shit.

I will. What kind of fraud?

Man, fuck if I know.

Just handle it!

I finally have a chance

to help my oldest son commit fraud.

My daddy ain't never taught me shit!

Damn, Kev, you look like hell.

Who'd you get in a fight with, Mike Tyson?

- That's Comedy Kev! - I know!

Dude got jokes.

I get that, but that's besides the point, Unc.

All that matters is that I changed the narrative.

No, all that matters is your mama's

going to kill me when she sees what I let happen to you.

I got to lead us out this situation,

and I'ma need powerful inspiration.

That's it!

Thanks, Black heroes.

Now, let's paint over those bruises, Kev.

It's not the smartest idea in the world,

but to be honest, it's the only idea we got left.

Weird, this looks just like the mural I painted

in my prison art class.

Have any of your little friends do time in Rockview?

Ma'am, I'm sure that we can deal with this misunderstanding

as responsible adults...

Without the involvement of law enforcement.

Mr. Hart, your son is a criminal.

He lied for months to get free cafeteria food

that he sold for cash,

saying he got a strung-out and unemployed mother,

eight siblings, and a deadbeat father.

- Only most of that is a lie. - Ha ha.

Wait a minute.

Don't I know you from somewhere?

No, you do not.

I'm an upstanding Christian woman.

Gloria, Glo, it is you!

You was Miss Crack Ho USA in 1985.

I remember! It's me, Huffing Henry!

You still juggling balls for rocks?

Ya-da-dee! - Ugh.

I-I'm not proud of my past.

Ms. Gloria, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Motherfucker, I just said I was!

Oh, Henry...

can we keep my past between us?

both: What's it worth to you?

We got them fish sticks, now made with real fish.

- Got them tater tots! - Got them chicken pot pies!

Now, the secret to good makeup

is blending upward, like so.

We don't want you out here

looking like you had an autopsy or nothing.

- Oh, my God, I've been robbed! - Uh-oh.

- Nigga, don't make me cut you. - Oh.

- Miss Green? - Richard, from Cell Block 8?

You two know each other?

Yeah, Miss Green taught my art class

while I was locked up.

Man, she inspired me to find my inner artist.

And your uncle inspired me to say it with my chest

on a regular basis.

Yeah, Unc, um, I still don't know what that means.

Just a few more minutes, ladies!

I swear, this is the last time

I come to this unprofessional, ghetto establishment.

Never again.

Nancy, got anything to say?

You think you could fit me in next Tuesday/Wednesday?

Oh, sure thing, girl.

You'll be number 12.

You see, Kevin, the secret to good makeup

is to use makeup, not paint.

Looking good, Kev.

Your mama never know how bad you got your ass beat today.

all: Comedy Kev, Comedy Kev!

Comedy Kev! - Hey, Unc, do you mind if I--

Nigga, go get the fuck out of here

and go be with your fans!

Time for me to be the master of my destiny.

Hey, Rhe-Rhe, here comes Comedy Kev.

And thank you for helping me out.

Man, being a single mother is no picnic.

Uh, yes, and no need for thanks.

You were my favorite student in the penitentiary,

Back Slap Bill.

Oh, dang. I was pretty special, wasn't I?

All right, peep this.

I'd love to get your digits so I can give you a call one day.

You know what? I would like that, too.

My number is 215...

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

♪ Holding hands under the moonlight ♪

♪ Oh, whispering sweet serenades ♪

♪ We'll dance till the morning brings ♪

♪ Feeling of love, it stays ♪

♪ I'll be the one now and forever ♪