All language subtitles for E19 - Karmic Relief [720p WEB-DL 275MB nItRo]

encoded by nItRo
======
- Previously on awkward...

Matty, this is
my friend bailey.

- Thank you for coming.
- So are we okay?

- Yeah.
- Hunter, huh?

- She got really drunk
and threw up on herself.

- That's a bummer.

- I'd rather hang out
with someone else instead.

- During my sanity sabbatical,

I wrote a mean essay
about val.

- It's ms. Marks.
I've been fired.

[cell phone beeps]

- After my recent walk
on the wild side,

I had course-corrected
and was determined

To stay on the straight
and narrow.

But I had to admit,
hanging outside

A low-rent liquor store
in a sketch part of town

Gave me
a crazy adrenaline rush.

Okay, mr. Hutcherson.

Date of birth.
- 1985.

- '89.
Address.

- 1266...Kenilworth avenue.

Both: Lane.

- Okay, let's give him
an easy one.

Um, mr. Hutcherson,
where was this license issued?

- At the dmv.
[laughter]

- State, smartass.
- Montana.

- California.

- Dude, you have, like,
five things to remember.

- I didn't know we were
gonna have a frickin' quiz.

- Okay, well,
we are really about to enjoy

That case of soda
you're about to buy.

- Watch this.

- No, we can't go in yet.
- No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

- You need to have this down.
- I do.

- You don't.

With a name
like van hutcherson,

You are asking
to get busted.

This is
the worst fake I.D. Ever.

- Oh, but the letterman's jacket
was a nice touch.

[laughs]

- [bleep].
I forgot to take it off.

- Why don't we just get that guy
to buy us beer?

- [gags]
[vomits]

[coughs]
- oh.

[upbeat latin music]

[man singing in spanish]

- I think we should just bail.
- It's fine.

Nobody ever gets
carded here.

Nussbaum employees
are mostly carnies or ex-cons

Who either can't read
or don't care.

- Can I help you?

- I was just using this
as a weight.

- Yeah, yeah.
You've heard of beer-lates?

- What are you doing here?

- Just pulling a paycheck,
eating my feelings,

Watching my dreams die,

Oh, getting
a 45% off discount

On expired booze,
which helps me

On my quest
to drink my youth away,

Which I am also doing.

- Val, I am so sorry.

I wish I'd never written
that essay.

If I could take it back,
I would.

Is there anything I can do
to make it up to you?

- I may be immune
to your bullets,

Jenna-dict arnold,
but your words

Put a hole
in my heart.

I treated you as a friend,
as a confidante,

As a brother
from another mother,

And how do you repay me?

Do you name a star
after me?

Do you send me
an edible fruit basket?

Mm-mm.

Do you offer me
my weight in euros?

No.
You ruin my life.

- It was true.

Valerie had always been there
for me,

And she didn't deserve
her bad fortune.

I was the one
who had wronged her.

I was the one
with the crappy karma.

So why wasn't I the one working
in a creepy liquor store,

Eating beef jerky and red hots
to fill my empty soul?

- You know what?

Actually, there is something
you can do for me.

- Name it.

- Go [bleep] yourself.
- What?

- I said,
jenna hamilton,

Go [bleep] yourself.

[feedback]

[typing]

[bell rings]

- Get your prom tickets,

On sale in the junior quad
right now.

If you ain't got a date,
do like the titans do.

Buy now, ask later.

Get your prom tickets.

- Sorry about that.

[upbeat music]

- Hey, jenna.
- Hey.

- Mr. Hutcherson.
- Class of '89.

- Now you remember?

- What's wrong
with this stupid locker?

- It's not yours.

Why are you
so out of it today?

- I can't stop thinking
about valerie.

It doesn't feel right
that my life

Is on the upswing
while she's going through hell,

Especially when
it's all my fault.

- She did all those crazy,
really inappropriate things.

All you did was write about it.

Let it go.
- I can't.

- Did you ever think this could
be a good thing for her?

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

Maybe she'll come out
the other end

With a better job
or something.

You know what the say,
what doesn't kill us

Makes us stronger.

- I could only hope
that was true for valerie.

But I knew it was true
for matty and me.

We had been
through so much,

And yet we're closer
than ever.

Sure, we were just friends,

But my relationship
with jake worked

Because we took it slow.

Maybe it was better
for matty and me

To start as friends
and work towards the benefits.

- If you're trying
to do magic, don't.

I hate it.
- How can anybody hate magic?

- I don't know.
It creeps me.

- Maybe not now,
but one day,

You will learn to love magic
as much as you love me.

- [scoffs]
doubt it.

- Saved it up from putting in
electronic dog fences,

Something I'm
ethically opposed to.

So this is basically
blood money,

But it was for a good cause:
Prom tickets.

- Sweet, but hold on
to your cash.

I can get them for free.
- How?

- By using the good kind
of magic:

The asian kind.

[snaps fingers]

Where are
my asians at?

[sighs]
it's dead.

Hey, henry?
Henry.

Hit me up later.
Mama's gotta do business.

- Stop talking like a pimp.
- Stop doing magic.

Dude,
why are you ignoring me?

And how come
after I snap my fingers,

There aren't any asians
in my face?

If there's something going on,
you have to tell me.

You owe me that.

You and I have pretended
to go through a lot together.

- Coup d'etat.

- What does that mean?

[gasps]

[both gasp]

Both: A coup d'etat?

- Which I thought was french
for "fancy brunch"

But actually means "sudden
overthrow, often violent."

- Putting the mascot head
in your locker

Was seriously disturbing.

- And physically impossible.
How did they get it in there?

- I'm guessing it's some type
of head-shrinking technique.

- By some kind
of insaniac.

[gasps]
do you think becca's back?

- No, they hated her
more than me.

I bet
it's that ass[bleep] isaiah.

[sighs]
this is my own damn fault.

I abused my power,
and now it's coming back

To bite me in the ass

Or perhaps kill me.

- Apparently,
everyone was feeling

The effects of karma.

Question was,
how long would it last?

- I should've seen
this coming.

Last week,
I lost my parking spot--

- I can't even remember
the last time

An asian brought you
a latte.

- And my secret hotline's
gone cold.

See?

[bleep] the what?
I had it on me this morning.

How do they do that?
- No offense, ming.

But you were never cut out
to be a ruthless despot.

- Yeah, maybe this was
for the best.

- It's not.

Once I'm ousted, they might
send me away like becca,

Or god forbid they send me
to the same place.

I should probably keep
a low pro,

Stay out
of the daylight.

- Now, can we please talk

About what's been on my
scrawling newsreel all morning?

- And that is?
- Prom.

Jake promised to make up for
his infamous sex van disastrophy

By planning the perfect night,

Which means
I need the perfect dress,

Which is giving me
maj dress stress.

I'm thinking
about going long

'cause I've seen a lot of maxis
on the red c.

- Red carpet.

- But what if palos hillers

Are fashion behind
and go mini?

Maybe I'll just stick with short
to be safe.

[gasps]
no.

I'll go high-low.
Problem solved.

Is matty gonna
ask you?

- We've been getting
along well,

But I don't
expect anything.

- Why not?
- I don't wanna be let down.

I finally earned
his friendship back.

But a date to prom?
That's pushing it.

And that's a wrap
on prom talk.

- So prom.

Guess who got here early and
bought the first two tickets.

- Mm, so far, so good.
- [chuckles]

- What do you guys think
it means to ask someone to prom?

Basically like
a dtr, right?

- Yeah, I guess.

Maybe I had banked
enough good karma

For a prom date,
and matty and I

Were going to re-tr.

- I agree,
dropping a hundie on tickets,

Plus flowers, a limo,
a hotel--

- Hotel?
- Maybe a hotel?

Hotel.

You don't really do that
unless you're into somebody.

- That's what I thought.

- Or you wanna get laid.
- Jake.

- But that's not why I'm doing
it--I can get laid any time.

- Or never again.
- Well, no, no.

That's not what I meant.
I-I--

[sighs]
I just wanna make it special,

So you have a prom night
that you remember

The rest of your life.

- [gasps]
we're skipping fifth period.

We have to pre-shop
before some skankazoid

Nabs my perfect dress.

- Suddenly, I had
dress stress too.

If I was going to prom
with matty,

I had to find
my perfect dress.

- I know
what you're thinking about.

- What?
- Valerie.

You're still worried
about her.

- Very worried.
And guilty.

I had no right fantasizing
about a stupid dance

When val was putting her life
on the line

To keep reprobates in cheap
spirits and rolling papers.

- I know I told you
to just let it go,

But obviously you can't.

Do something about it.

- You're right.

I can, and I will.

If I had the power
to get valerie fired,

Who was to say
I didn't have the power

To get her rehired?

Because you only know
one side of the story,

Which isn't fair
because there are always

Two sides
to every story,

One of which
is the right one.

- Can you please just
for one second--

- Principal cox, are you aware
that we are living in america...

- I had absolutely
no idea.

- Where everyone deserves
the right to be heard.

Valerie deserves the chance
to defend herself.

I was the one
who wrote that essay,

Which I now admit
was mean-spirited

And totally biased.

And I think she should get
her job back,

So she should get
her job back--

- Stop talking.

- I can't, because I am not
gonna let you say no.

- [speaking gibberish]

[overlapping shouting]

- Stop, stop it, stop it.
- No, you stop it.

- Uh, nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah, mm, neh.

Mm.

I wasn't going
to say no.

I was going to say, "ms. Marks
is getting a hearing."

- My plan was working.

I was taking action, and I
was already seeing results.

- It was scheduled
for tomorrow at 3:30.

- Was scheduled?

- I made the arrangements
this morning.

But thanks for eating up
20 minutes of my day

'cause I've got nothing
better to do with my time.

- Hopefully, the universe
would realize

It was the thought
that counted.

Hey, it's jenna.
I have good news.

Call me.

It's okay.
I'll just tell you now.

Principal cox is gonna give you
a hearing.

We're gonna get
your job back!

- I just want
my job back.

I gave 110%.

I was there early every day,
stayed late,

Went above and beyond,

Sometimes below.

- Uh, mom?
Who are you talking to?

- The universe.

Or oprah,

If she can hear me.

- What's wrong?

- Now that I'm unemployed,

I don't know what to do
with myself.

I have no purpose.

- Though her situation wasn't
quite as dire as valerie's,

To my mom,
it felt just as traumatic.

And since I was already playing
goodwill ambassador,

I felt obligated
to help her too.

And I knew
just how to do it.

Let's go shopping.

- Your father cut up
my credit cards.

- Why?

- He doesn't approve
of how much

I've spent on therapy.

- Retail therapy,
which clearly isn't working.

- You are so insensitive.

Can't you see
that I am lost

Without my nursing career?

- You were a nurse
for a month.

- Which is longer
than you nursed jenna.

- I just miss having somewhere
to go every morning.

I miss being needed.

I miss saving lives.

- You put band-aids on people.
- Dozens.

- Lace, if you really want
another job,

You'll find something else.

- Like what?
- Like, uh...

- Don't think.

If you could have your dream
job, what would it be?

- A real housewife
of palos verdes.

- Or a...
- Figure skater.

A contestant
on project runway.

- How about
something realistic?

- [sighs]
I don't like this game.

- Okay, forget that.
What are you good at?

- [chuckles]

- Gross.

- [whimpers]

[pouts]

- That belongs to my mom,
who said I have no limit.

So I expect this
to play out

Like one of my fav rom-coms,
where I point to a dress

And you pull it out for me
in my size,

Which you instinctively know
just by eyeballing me.

Then, while I'm changing,
you put on

Some super-fem indie pop,
no emo,

And gasp in awe
and clap wildly

Every time I emerge
from the dressing room.

Champagne is optional.

- T, you've met bailey.

- Yeah, you brought her
to matty's party

When you thought ming and I
were gonna wine-and-ditch you.

- I hope you don't mind me
tagging along.

- As long as you don't steal
my dress thunder.

- That won't be
a problem.

I'm not even going to prom.
- Why not?

- I'm just a loser freshman.
No one's gonna ask me.

- Of course
someone's gonna ask you.

Every guy in school
thinks you put out.

That's not an insult.
We all put out.

- Don't include me
in your slut parade.

- Oh, right, ming still shops
at the virgin megastore.

- So do I.
The rumors aren't true.

I may not be a slut,

But I do have
pretty good taste.

- Shut it down.

I freakin' love that.
Now put it back.

- What kind of bra
would I wear with this?

So no bra?

[muffled pop music]

♪

- This one for you.

- What's wrong with this one?
- Out of order.

- What about the rest
of them?

- All out of order.

- Do you work here?

- How else would I know
dressing rooms out of order?

[tense music]

♪ ♪

[groans]
what the [bleep]?

- Good afternoon, ming.

- Who the hell are you?

Wait, are you the dick

Who put the mascot head
in my locker?

- I have no knowledge
of said activity.

I'm here
as a neutral party.

- For what?
- For you.

And the others.

- The others
being the mafia?

What do you want from me?
- Nothing.

Well, I wouldn't
mind watching

You try on some dresses.
[laughs]

But I'll leave that
up to your discretion.

- Not happening.

- Then I'm here
to deliver a message.

- I'm listening.

- You're being called
into a meeting

At the school
to discuss the terms

Of your departure
from your current position.

- What if
I don't wanna depart?

- I can't help you
with that.

- When's the meeting?
- In the dead of night.

- What time is that?

- Can't help you
with that either.

- [sighs]
thanks a lot, jerk.

- Hey, don't shoot
the messenger.

But feel free to flash him
your bra.

- No!

- Damn it.

- ♪ I've been watching you
talk to me ♪

♪ I've been eyeing... ♪

- You found
a dress already?

- It found me.

- You don't have to brag
about it.

Some of us
are still shopping.

- You guys don't understand.

It's happening.

- The coup d'etat?

- Some dude just told me
to meet them

At school
in the dead of night.

I don't know when that is,
so I'm just gonna show up

Around midnight
and hang out.

- We'll come with you.

- No, I can't ask you
to do that.

They might take hostages.

I'm gonna go see
if they have this in black

Since there's
a pretty good chance

I'm gonna be buried in it.

♪

- Try it on.
I know you want to.

- I was hoping an invite
from matty

Was on the table,
but I didn't dare jinx it.

I'm just looking.

- You've at least gotta do
the lazy girl try-on.

You know,
hanger-over-the-head deal.

[chuckles]
- that's a thing?

- Yeah, it is.

It's a dumb thing,
but it's a thing.

At the risk
of alienating

My only friend
at this school,

I really want to comment
on your status.

- Go ahead.

- You and matty
have been spending

A lot of time
together lately.

Why don't you guys
go together?

- We're just friends.

And besides,
I cheated on him,

Which isn't going to be
an easy thing to recover from.

I made my bed,
and now I have to lie in it.

But maybe some day,
that bed

Would have matty
in it again.

- Don't be so hard
on yourself.

We all make mistakes.

- But not all of us do it
with the entire basketball team.

- Ignore her.

- Said one slut
to the other slut.

- Sadie, isn't it hard
to window-shop

From inside the store?

We know you're still broke.
- Not anymore, gingersmurf.

My advice to losers
like you

Has made me
twitter famous.

I have sponsors.
- So you get paid to tweet?

- Yep, but here's
a freebie.

Unless you plan on performing
in a music video

Set in berlin
circa 1985,

I'd suggest
losing the hat.

#you're welcome.

- Is she always
that bitchy?

- Oh, no.
Normally, she's much worse.

[musical ringtone]

- Is it matty?
- Matty?

[phone clicks]

- Valerie, isn't that great news
about your hearing?

- I never asked you
to get my job back.

I don't want it back.

When I told you to [bleep] off,
I meant it.

[phone clicks]

- Because you are
the only one

Who can talk valerie
into going to that hearing.

She needs you.

And I'm scared to go
to her house alone.

So I need you.
- I'm needed?

- Yes, because you are
such a great motivator.

Remember when you wrote me
the letter?

Okay, not that.

But remember
when you encouraged me

To stop wearing overalls
in seventh grade?

- I burned them
while you were sleeping.

- Yes, and while I was upset
at the time

And threatened to run away
and call child services,

You saved me from an entire year
of being ridiculed.

And what about the christmas
you gave lupita spanx?

- She was insulted
at first.

But then
she starved herself

And lost 15 pounds
in two weeks.

I do help people.

- So go help valerie.

- I may have a future
as a motivational speaker

Or a life coach
or a top chef.

Eh--but definitely
a life coach.

- Yeah, uh...

- L-dawg,
so good to see you.

You, not so much.

- We just stopped by
to say hi.

- Well, you're not
my student anymore,

So I don't have
to be nice to you.

- May we come in?
- You can.

She can wait outside.

- [grunting]

- [scoffs]

If you're gonna come in, you
have to stay out of my sight,

And that includes
my peripheral vision.

Pop a squat
in my scrapbooking nook.

[whimsical music]

♪

- Wow.

- Are those all
vision boards?

- Oh, yeah, and that one's
a vision board

Of vision boards
I want to envision one day

If I ever dream again.

[sighs]
wine?

Fresca?
Treats?

One's for cats.
One's for humans.

That's cat candy.

- Where are the cats?

- They're hiding
'cause of the hostile energy.

- So I know you have
a hearing tomorrow...

- Pssh.
- And I think you should go.

- [coughs]
[groans]

[door opens, closes]

- Who was that?

- After I got fired
from the liquor store,

I took in a boarder.

- He looks like
a criminal.

- And you look like
a nice person.

- Val, I'm sorry
you lost your job...S.

- Wasn't my first time
at the unemployment rodeo.

I've lost plenty
of gigs.

I've even ridden the bull
into bankruptcy.

I had my dream job.

Now, it's time to get serious
about telemarketing.

- Do you think
I have a good voice for sales?

- For phone sex, maybe.

- [groans]

[pouts]

- No.
No, no, no, no.

Put down the cat--
put down the cats.

Give me the cat.

Mom, remember why
we're here.

Motivate.
- I can't.

She's living
with a serial killer.

It's just too sad.
- You know what's sadder

Is I don't even care
if he kills me in my sleep.

What do I have to live for?
- Exactly.

- Stop it.
[sighs]

You both have
a lot to live for.

- [blows raspberry]

- Val, I think
you can get your job back.

- Oh.

- The job you love,
the job you were born to do.

But you have to go
to your hearing.

- She's right.
[groans]

You love your job,
and you should fight for it.

- If I was
such a great counselor,

Then why did you write
those horrible things about me?

- I was in a bad place.
- Yeah.

- I was angry
and probably high.

- So high.

It was the weed talking.
She didn't mean it.

- I didn't.
- You're wasting your breath.

There's nothing
you can say to convince me

To go
to that dog and pony show,

Unless it actually was a show
featuring dogs and ponies.

And then,
I'd be front row.

- You have done
so much good

For so many people,

Especially me.

I need you, v.

And so do the students.

- [sighs]
I'm convinced.

Now I gotta go change
the locks.

That dude is creepy.

[ominous music]

♪

- [singsong]
I'm back.

- It was you.

- Thanks for filling in
for me.

I hear you did
a fantastic job.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh.
[giggles]

Ah.

Huh.
- [clicks tongue]

Shame on you,
ming fei yen huang.

You've run this organization
into the ground.

Not since caligula
forced his soldiers

To pick up seashells
during battle

Has someone pissed away
such a golden opportunity.

But now,
your reign of error

Has come to an end.

And these are the terms
of your departure.

- I don't accept
these terms.

- Yes, you do,
and there's an addendum.

I'm going to prom
with fred wu.

- No!

[groaning]

I'll never go to prom
with you.

I'd rather be thrown
into the ocean

Wearing a speedo
made of meat.

- Silence!
- No, you silence.

- Don't you dare tell me
to silence.

- Okay, then shut up.

You can have
the asians back,

But I wanna negotiate
my own terms.

- [laughs]
that is so cute.

Now shut
your silly little mouth,

Or you will never see
fred again.

In fact, no one will.

- Save yourself, ming.
Save yourself.

- What you don't realize,
wang fong wen tang,

Is that I still have
some cards in my deck.

- That I believe.

You never were playing
with a full deck.

- Maybe, but I still have
one card left.

[ominous chord]

- [chuckles]

- Get over here, wayne.
You're my accountant now.

- You can chain me
to a desk,

But you can never make me
touch my calculator.

- I see
your future, wayne,

And it involves
a small, dark room in koreatown

With no windows,
where you will sit

For 16 hours a day
breathing in asbestos

While you sew
little lightning bolts

On fancy sneakers
that you will never wear.

- He doesn't wanna work for you.
- Sure he does.

[speaking mandarin]

- What if I get you weekends off
and two sick days a month?

- I've enjoyed the partying
and the chicks,

But asian livers
don't process alcohol well.

And to be honest,
I freakin' love math.

Don't be sad for me.

I'll always have a way
to remember

My carefree, salad days.

- Yes, you will.

Okay.
Here's the deal.

You leave fred
and me alone.

If you see either one of us
in a public forum,

You keep walking.

Wayne here gets weekends off
and two sick days a month,

No questions asked.

- We don't get sick.

- No questions asked.

Those are my terms.
Take 'em or leave 'em.

[dramatic music]

♪

- Fine.
You have my word.

I will no longer
actively try to destroy you.

[snaps fingers]

- Don't worry.
I've seen it all.

Heck, I've done it all.

But I'm going to need
your key back.

- Right.

I don't know
where it is.

Um, I--

- Ah.

- How many shirts
did you have made?

- Just 30,
but that should be enough

To make a statement
at the hearing.

[bleep].

[sighs]

[both snicker]

- Don't worry.

They can be fixed.
- I don't have time.

I still need to recruit people
to vouch for val.

- I'll vouch for her.

She gave me some advice when
I got in that fight with jake.

It wasn't good,
but I can leave out that detail.

- And I'm happy
to speak for her too.

- You barely know her.
- But I know you.

And I wanna help.
- You're both cool for helping.

But just to be sure
I save vag,

I'm gonna need to find
more volunteers.

Who else can I ask?

- I will totally vouch
for ms. Marks.

She's the one who encouraged me
to get my boobs done.

- She convinced
some random pregnant woman

To pee on a stick,
so I could use it

To trick my boyfriend
into marrying me.

Ah!
[laughs]

- I was cutting myself
and hiding it from my friends.

But ms. Marks
suggested I--

J, I'm sorry,
I can't do this.

- I forgot
you were a terrible liar.

- Yeah, and honestly,

I can't say valerie
ever helped me.

- But there is someone
who can.

- Hell no,
I am not defending that lunatic.

- You owe her.

She helped you find a place
to live when your mom left.

She hooked you up
with ally.

- And I'm supposed to be
thankful for that?

- Come on, sadie,
you spend most

Of your waking hours
making people miserable.

How about putting a little good
out into the world?

- Talk about the pothead
calling the kettle black.

You are the one
who exposed her incompetence

And got her [bleep]-canned.

Besides, I give amazing,
life-changing advice

To thousands of followers
every day.

I am swimming
in goodwill.

Not that I give a crap.

- Prepare to be impressed.

- Oh, you sure
you wanna set it up like that?

Because now,
I'm expecting awesome.

Yeah, it's perfect.

- Think so?
- Maybe not perfect.

But at least
it won't look like

We're crusading
for vaginal rejuvenation.

- Gross.
- I try.

To be funny,
not to be gross.

- It's really cool of you
to help out with this.

I know jenna
appreciates it.

- It's the least
I can do.

She went out of her way to
make me feel comfortable here.

Well, comfortable is a bit
of an overstatement.

I should say
I feel less freak-like.

- [laughs]

Sounds like something jenna
would say, actually.

[chuckles]

- ♪ kick of fate

♪ there I was invisible

♪ just out of phase

- [pats chest]
- yeah.

- If you wanna change,
I could--

- Right, right,
because I'm such a slut,

I will just nude up
in front of anybody.

- You didn't let me finish.

I was gonna say
I would leave the room

Or turn around,
so you could change.

- Sorry.

I thought maybe
you bought into all the rumors

About me being a...

- A what?

- A duchess...
- Ooh.

- From another country
that's not this one.

Yeah.

- [laughs] oh, come on.
What rumors?

- Well, if you don't know,

I am sure as hell
not gonna tell you.

But if you do hear anything,
it's all lies.

- Got it.

[indistinct whispering]

- Can we please
answer these questions

In a timely fashion?

My dvr is at 98%,

And those shows are not gonna
watch themselves, ladies.

- Okay. Uh...
[clears throat]

To answer
the board's question,

I did not tell
that football player

To cheat on his test.

I only told him
it was an option.

- That kid
is our best qb.

And we would never have kicked
cougar butt without him.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Mm.
- Hey.

- Ms. Marks,
is it true

That you referred
to a select group of boys

On the swim team
as "hotties"?

- Well, I mean, have you
seen them with their shirts off?

- Objection.
- On what grounds?

- That information
is hearsay,

Which makes it
inadmissible in court.

Plus, I was not privy
to that evidence before trial,

So I'm going to have to cite
the exclusionary rule.

- Uh, I have no idea
what you're saying.

- If you want, I can explain it
in layman's terms.

I've seen every episode
of law & order.

Classic, criminal intent,
and sexy style.

Svu.

- There's no need,
mrs. Hamilton,

As this is not
a court of law.

- [laughs]
okay.

- Is there anything else
you'd like to add

In your defense,
ms. Marks?

- Yes.

Uh, you should know...

I am just a girl...
- Mm.

- Sitting
across from a board,

Asking them to give her
her job back.

- Is there anyone else
who's going

To testify
on your behalf?

- Uh...

- Okay, well,
the board--

[rock music]

♪

- My surprise witness.

Hey.
You are on our side, right?

- I would like the board
to know

That ms. Marks
was instrumental

In helping my aunt ally
get a baby.

Without her,
ally would still be childless,

Barren, and probably drunk,

One vodka tonic away
from snatching

Some random baby
from a shopping cart

In a grocery store

The instant its mother turned
away to buy formula.

- Uh--
- go on, sadie.

- And in saving my aunt,
she saved that baby too.

- The shopping cart baby?
- No.

Another one.

A baby who was
homeless, motherless,

Fatherless,
and housekeeper-less.

- Mm.

- That's all very dramatic,
ms. Saxton,

But can you prove
any of this?

- Yes, I can.

Because I am that baby.

[all gasp]

- Oh.

I totally forgot
I did that.

[laughter]

- [sighs]
not guilty!

I mean,
valerie got her job back.

[giggles]

I think
I finally found my calling.

- You wanna be a lawyer?
- No.

I wanna play one
on tv.

[sighs]

- I know what you did,
and it means a lot to me.

I'm sorry I told you
to go [bleep] yourself.

- I deserved it.
- You did.

But, um, you're still
my girl, j.

Mm.

- Oh, okay.
Oh, okay.

[laughs]

- Okay, lady.
Let me buy you a drink.

Actually, you should
buy me one

Since I did this
pro bono.

[laughs]

- You want a ride?
- Sure.

- Oh.

- Buddha was definitely
onto something

With this whole cosmic
punishment-reward system.

My desirable act
of getting val's job back

Had produced
a corresponding good result:

I was going to prom
with matty.

And if the super-chill asian guy
was a man of his word,

It wouldn't be long before
I was calling him my boyfriend.

By him,
I meant matty.

If I was putting that thought
into the universe,

I wanted it
to be crystal clear.

[cell phone vibrates]

[phone clicks]
hey.

- Jake's in the bathroom,
so I have to talk fast.

- You always talk fast.

- I overheard him
taking to matty,

And the prom ask
is going down tonight.

I guess he's not telling me,
so I don't tell you,

Which I already did,
so make sure

You do your hair
and shave your legs.

- Hold on,
I'm getting a text.

- ♪ head in the clouds,
watching... ♪

- We're all going
to prom.

We're all going to prom!
[phone clicks]

Yeah, you're not there.

[squeals]

I'm going to prom.

- Ugh.

Sorry about the takeout,
but hey.

I was working, so you're just
gonna have to deal.

- I'm proud of you two.

After what jenna wrote
about her,

I didn't think valerie
had a chance in hell.

- Dad.
- I meant that as a compliment.

I don't wanna
bring you down.

- Well, that would
be impossible.

Matty's gonna ask me
to prom.

- [screams]

You need a dress.
- No more shopping.

- I actually already found
the perfect dress,

But I only have $400
in savings.

- How much is this dress?
- 750.

- What is it,
made of $20 bills?

- I'm sure it's something
that she'll be able

To wear over
and over again.

- To weddings and...
- Parties and...

- Bar mitzvahs.

- The girl kind
of bar mitzvahs.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
If you're gonna gang up on me,

I'm outta here.

- I was saving the money
I made as a nurse

For a special occasion,

And this is about as special
as it gets.

I didn't want your dad
to find it.

[laughs]

- [sighs]

What if the dress
is already gone?

- If we hurry, we can still
make it to the store.

[snaps fingers]
okay.

- Feels good to be free.

- I just hope it lasts.
- Don't be so cynical.

I mean, we've been
through enough crap.

We've earned our happiness.

I still can't believe
you gave it all up for me.

- I'd do it again.
- You would?

- What's the point
of unlimited power

And bottomless lattes
if I have no one

To share them with?

Besides, I was probably
the worst mob boss ever.

- Uh, yeah, you were.

- [smacks fred playfully]
[both laugh]

Did you get prom tickets
before you abdicated?

That 100 bucks I had
fell through my trap pocket.

- See, magic is dumb.
- Salt in the wound, ming.

- Sorry.
[both laugh]

I did manage
to get one ticket,

But I can go
to the dance first

And sneak you in
through the back.

- Just like regular folks.

- Just like regular folks.
[laughs]

- ♪ sometimes I drift
like autumn leaves ♪

- Fred?
- Hmm?

- What's going to happen
to us?

What will we be
without the drama,

The intrigue,
the deception?

- I don't know, ming.

I don't know.

- ♪ ah

♪ ah ah ah

♪ ah ah ah,
ah ah ah ♪

♪ ah ah ah ♪

- It's so beautiful.

Do you think
it'll fit me?

- Oh, you're serious.

[doorbell rings]

- Ah!
[giggles]

The dress.

- Oh, right.

- Jenna, matty's here.

I-I-I can't get out
of the dress.

- [mutters]

I can't get you
out of the dress.

- Mom, he can't see me
in this.

He'll think I knew
all along,

And I don't wanna
jinx it.

- [sighs]
okay.

- Oh, mom, mom, no.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
- Jenna!

- What am I gonna do?

- Hi.

- Hey.

I'm sorry,
were you about to go out?

- Oh, this.

Um, I was...

- Jenna, are you ready
for the bar mitzvah?

- Going to a bar mitzvah.

Shalom.

- At 10:00 at night?

- It's actually
at midnight,

The second
the kid turns 13.

That crazy kid
just couldn't wait.

Do you wanna sit down?

- Yeah, I guess.

[sighs]

- So...

- So...
[sighs]

So--

Oh, I have never felt
this uncomfortable

In your living room before.

- Oh, come on.
It's just me.

- Uh, I know.
That's why it's weird.

- You're making it weird,
weirdo.

- You're making it
weirder too.

That's--okay,
how am I gonna do this?

- Do what?

- Okay.

You're one
of my best friends.

- And you're one of mine.

- [laughs]

This is ridiculous.

I don't know
why I am being so formal.

- Perhaps I had amassed
too much good karma.

My prom proposition was starting
to sound like a proposal.

- It's just--it's kinda strange
talking about it

Because I just--
I feel like we're so beyond it.

So...Prom.

- Prom.
- Prom.

[sighs]

I know you saw
those tickets today.

- I-I-I don't know
what you're talking about.

- Mm-hmm, you saw them,

And then you pretended not to,
and you looked away.

- You're right.

I did do that,

And I don't even
know why.

- So are you going?

- I hope so.

Are you?

- Yeah, I hope so too.

- I had never seen matty
so anxious.

All his nervous ticks
were in full force,

And it was only
a matter of time

Before he busted out
the armpit sniff.

It was sweet.

By all accounts,
he seemed worried

I was going
to turn him down.

- Anyway, prom.
That's--that's why I'm here.

- All my life,
I had heard,

"what goes around
comes around."

- I just wanted
to make sure

That you were cool with me
asking bailey.

- And it had definitely
come back around.

- ♪ he left you ♪

♪ in a forest

- Next on awkward...

So you wanna take bailey
to prom.

- Is that okay?

- Liss, I think I'm in love.
- No.

- Sex--it's as if
it's in the fine print

Of every prom ticket.

I'm not ready.

- Have you finally gotten past
your hatred of me?

- It's time for all of you
to reflect

And write about who you want
to be.

- [sighs]
======
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