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(rain pattering)

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(thunder booming)

(ominous music) (Boris laughing)

(car engine revving)

(Boris screaming)

- Remember, accelerate the engines no higher than 50%.

Never, ever go 100%.

- [Crush] Why?

- Because the engine could explode

and vaporize you instantly.

- [Crush] 50% works for me.

- I thought you might say that.

(thunder crashes) (ominous music)

(Boris screaming)

I'm moving in closer.

(Boris screaming)

(thunder crashes)

(ominous music)

(thunder crashes)

(engine squeals)

(ominous music)

(metal thudding)

- Oh, I don't like this.

He'll screw everything up.

We can't risk losing Piston Pete.

I'm taking over.

- No, wait!

He can do this.

Give him a chance.

- Why, he's had plenty of chances.

Now, throw that defective piece of garbage

back on junk heap where he came from.

We're going in.

- Please, give him a chance!

- I agree with Professor Spanners.

- But if Pete gets away,

we'll never know what he was up to!

Now, I'm the head of security.

- And the last time I checked, Major Gubbins,

I was Supreme Commander.

We are giving Agent Crush another chance.

- Thank you, sir.

- But this will be his last chance.

(dramatic music)

(thunder crashes)

- Sorry to drop in on you like this,

but you're under arrest.

Crush rocks!

- Useless bag of bolts.

- There!

That's just a toilet badge!

- Is it?

Whoa!

(Piston Pete laughs)

- Ah, I knew he would screw it up.

- [Piston Pete] Nice one, that's actually quite cool, that.

- That was an unexpected turn of events.

Whoa! - Hey!

(dramatic music)

- I'll be back!

- We're going in!

(dramatic music)

(gun fires)

- Whoa!

- [Piston Pete] See ya!

There you go.

- I hate it when that happens!

- Hit full throttle, give it 100%.

- But you said I'd be instantaneously vaporized.

- I said you could be vaporized.

- But still. - Hit it!

- Okay.

(screaming)

(dramatic music)

Well, I didn't get vaporized,

so I'll take a chance on firing turbo thrusters.

- No!

Not the turbo thrusters!

(screaming) (dramatic music)

Slow down, or the thermo call will overheat and explode!

Do you hear me?

Kill the turbos!

- Understood.

Moving in for the kill.

- Do not kill anyone!

And be careful of that tuxedo; it's rented.

(dramatic music)

- Stop the brainless bag of bolts!

(engine revs)

- I'll run him off the road.

- No, don't do that!

- Crush out.

- Spanners to central control:

Get me emergency services.

Urgent!

- [Operator] Roger that, which emergency services

do you require?

- All of them!

(dramatic music)

(man snoring)

- What the?

- I'm keeping this thing!

- Agent Crush, limited intelligence.

- Huh?

- I mean, intelligence limited.

You are under arrest.

Pull over, now.

- Man, that is your toilet badge again!

So you can go and flush yourself.

(car horn blares)

(glass clatters)

Have it!

(dramatic music)

- Crush rocks.

(mumbling)

- Hey!

Get your hands out of me eyes, man!

- Piston Pete, you have been fingered

by Secret Agent 799.

You are under arrest.

- Look out!

- Oh, nobody wants this!

That stings, man!

I'm outta here!

(grunting)

(screaming)

I've dented something.

(dramatic music)

(engine revving)

- If there's a lever marked brake,

now might be a good time to pull it!

- I pulled the brake.

- And?

- It broke off.

- But of course it did!

(dramatic music)

(gasps)

- That idiot's gonna crash

right into the biggest fireworks factory in New York City!

- I really have a very bad feeling about this.

- Get down!

- Whoa!

(thunder crashes)

(sighs)

(fireworks exploding)

- Ah, that's gotta hurt, huh?

- Not as much as he will when I get my hands on him.

- But you won't be able to use those hands for a while,

will you, my little baldy?

(fireworks exploding)

(dramatic music)

- [News Anchor Man] We interrupt your program

for a TWIT News Exclusive!

And now, taking you live to the scene,

to our intrepid reporter, Charleen Chinstubble,

who has the story.

- This is the scene in the heart of the city, viewers,

and I want everyone in the world to see

that dozens of businesses, destroyed by mindless carnage.

Perpetrated not by criminals, oh no,

but by our very own World Security Network,

for the sixth time this month, viewers!

This is Charleen Chinstubble for TWIT News.

Bye-z-bye!

(engine rumbling)

(dramatic music)

- Ooh, we're supposed to lead the security forces

away from the area, not bring them straight to it!

- But I didn't know he was gonna turn up, did I?

(mumbles) jetpack hairdryer.

And he took my bike!

- Boris, it wasn't Pete's fault;

it was just dumb luck he turned up.

- Dumb is what you two are.

Now, get me to my evil fortress.

I (laughs) have an evil plot to hatch.

(dramatic music)

(aircraft whirs)

- Are you sure you're okay?

- Oh, I'm fine.

Shaken, but not stirred.

Hey, can I drive?

- Nobody drives; it's automatic.

- Can I sit in the front and pretend to drive?

- Whatever, just get in.

(dramatic music)

- Listen, my friend,

we can't explode the device without a detonator.

That little thing he wants is,

you stick in the explosives to make them explode.

- I know what a detonator is.

- [Olga] Right.

I was just thinking.

- Yeah, I was thinking clunk cognitive bicycle chain,

really thinking that was all going on, I'm telling ya.

- Do not think; you could hurt yourself.

I do have an alternative to the missing detonator.

Plan B.

- Ah.

And what exactly is Plan B?

- Plan B, my loyal repulsive creature,

is to place the nuclear device into the magma chamber

until we have the detonator to it.

- Deliver.

- That is what I said.

- Into the magma flow?

- This is not a debate!

I'm the evil genius, and you two are the mindless cretins

that exist to serve me!

- Isn't that gonna be dangerous?

- (mumbles) If the explosion doesn't kill us,

then the lava certainly will.

- It's brilliant! (laughs)

I tell you, it's brilliant! (laughs)

I kill myself.

We place the bomb in the magma flow,

then break into the factory and steal the detonator.

- Boris, hang on a minute.

The same factory?

- Correct.

- Permission for this cretin to speak?

- If you must.

- Listen to me.

If we go back to the same factory,

won't they be waiting for us?

- They have a saying, lightning never strikes twice,

until now.

(machine whirs)

(dramatic music)

- [Spanners] Ready?

- Roger.

T minus 20, all systems go.

Mm, I love that kind of talk.

(Spanners screaming)

- I'll never get used to that drop.

- That was too cool.

It's better than Space Mountain!

Any chance of doing it again?

(ominous music)

The city sewers, is that where we're going?

- Yep.

The same place your humor comes from.

- Announce a planet-wide high alert.

We have to find Boris Goudphater.

- No problemo, Supreme Commander.

This is Central Command to all secret defense installations.

This is high alert, condition red.

(dramatic music)

- Now, where is that moron?

- Here, sir!

- Not you, Gubbins!

The plastic one.

- I knew that.

I knew it!

What're y'all looking at?

Give me my coffee.

(suspenseful music)

- [Spanners] But sir, we're finally beginning

to get somewhere; we just need a little more time.

- Sorry, Spanners.

There is no more time left.

The Crush Project is to be terminated,

and you are to be charged with negligence

and misuse of government resources.

- What?

Charge me?

- Out of 37 attempts to apprehend criminals,

all 37 attempts have ended up

with mass destruction of property.

- Agent Crush almost captured a very dangerous criminal.

- And that very dangerous criminal got away!

- That criminal works for Boris Goudphater,

one of the most dastardly villains

this planet has ever seen!

- I know.

Goudphater was my first Crush prototype.

And there were a few bugs.

- A few bugs?

You tried to design a super secret agent

and end up with a evil criminal mastermind.

- All right, a lot of bugs.

- And you failed to destroy him as ordered.

- I tried!

He escaped from the recycling masher.

He should've been crushed to pulp!

- But he wasn't, was he?

And now, your little experiment

is trying to take over the whole planet!

- You are to return to your laboratory

and terminate Agent Crush immediately!

- Please don't do this, don't kill Agent Crush.

- I am sorry, Spanners.

If you cannot carry out the order,

then I'm sure Major Gubbins can.

- It'll be a pleasure. (laughs)

- No, I'll do it.

- How did it go?

- Not bad, all things considered.

- You see, I told you there was nothing to worry about.

(dramatic music)

(camera whirring)

- Come on!

I am ready to make my terrifying announcement

of impending doom to the world! (laughs)

What are you doing?

(speaking in foreign language)

- We can't get a signal!

See, in order to broadcast,

we have to pick up a beam of the satellite.

- I know how it works!

Just do it!

Do you think I'll get a pair of sneakers out of that one?

Yes, I take as high as 15, or 14 will do, 14 and a half.

(mumbles) (laughs)

- No, wait, who are you talking to?

- Why is it so hard to get good evil henchmen these days?

Get me a signal!

(bus door slams)

- Home again, our final destination.

- You don't know how final.

- Do we have a signal?

- [Piston Pete] I'm trying,

but I think you've just blown the signal

all the way up to Pluto!

(machine beeps) - Hold it there!

- Oh, I got flustered, me rectifiers.

- Boris Goudphater, I don't understand

why you need to tell the whole world what we are up to.

- Because, my cerebrally challenged friend,

all mad scientists hell-bent on destroying civilization

tell the whole world.

It's tradition!

- Of course.

Forgive me, I am a cretin.

(suspenseful music)

- I am smiling from ear to ear,

a gentle little evil laugh. (laughs)

First, we fire a missile directly

at World Security Headquarters,

and while they are dealing with that...

- Da, we hit them somewhere else with another missile.

- My plan exactly!

It's genius! (laughs)

(farts)

Ah, that's better.

(dramatic music)

- But they will just shoot it down!

(speaking in foreign language)

- Yes!

Watch and learn, my faithful fools.

Watch and learn with mother.

- Missile launch detected, sir.

- From what direction?

- Incoming from the eastern sector, Commander.

- Launch, intercept the jets!

(dramatic music)

(pilot mumbling)

- That's right!

Come and catch me!

- You're mad.

- No, I'm insane!

Mad is for amateurs! (laughs)

No, I'm insane, I'm off me squid, I've lost it! (laughs)

(mumbles) Can you hear them jet planes?

(dramatic music)

(laughs) I'm insane!

- Boris (speaking in foreign language).

I think you lost the plot.

(Boris laughs)

- [Gubbins] Now, don't you miss that missile!

- [Pilot] (mumbles) It'll range in six minutes, sir.

(dramatic music)

- That's another missile detected, sir.

- Heading?

- Well, it's headed for the atmosphere.

- Oh, don't worry about that now.

Let's concentrate on the missile headed this way.

(dramatic music)

- [Pilot] Interceptor leader to base,

I have a missile on sight.

- Can you identify it?

- [Pilot] Neptune Class missile.

Yes.

- That has a 10-megaton capability, Commander.

- And it's headed straight for us.

The missile is five miles out and closing pretty fast.

- Give the interceptors clearance to fire.

- This is Command HQ.

You are clear to fire, yeah.

- [Pilot] Roger that.

(dramatic music)

- I say, this is uncomfortable.

No, I don't like this at all.

- I'm sorry, my friend, but it won't last long, I promise.

Just the flip of one switch.

(dramatic music)

(car horn honks)

- Oh, don't do it!

- I don't have a choice, Cassandra.

- But he's your greatest invention!

I believe in him, I believe in you!

The world needs Agent Crush.

- It's all right, Cassie.

It won't hurt.

- Are you kidding me?

It'll hurt a lot.

Duh!

- But you said it wouldn't hurt.

- Sorry, had to tell a little lie.

- But you said it was wrong to tell a lie.

- Yeah, well, he says a lot of things he doesn't mean,

like when he told me Agent Crush was his greatest creation,

and he was gonna make people's lives safer.

- But they're blaming me for Boris Goudphater's escape.

- That's a crock, and you know it.

- But I did create Boris,

and now he's threatening all life on Earth!

(dramatic music)

I have no choice, Cassandra.

I've been given a direct order to terminate Agent Crush.

- Since when do you obey orders from jumped-up politicians?

- Who is he? - I don't wanna interrupt,

but the missile is headed

straight for our underwater power plant.

Hello, we could lose the power plant!

(dramatic music)

- I can't, Cassandra, I can't!

I'm afraid I have to do this.

- No!

- His time has run out.

(dramatic music)

(explosion booming)

- I don't wanna say I told you so,

but we have lost the power plant.

(doors slamming)

(Gubbins screams)

- Gubbins, was that you?

- Sorry, sir, I don't like the dark much.

- That's odd.

- The power's been cut off.

- Am I dead now?

- I have an idea, sir.

I can reroute power via the Orbital Platform.

- I'm afraid you'll find that is where

the second missile is headed.

- Whoever did this, I'll hunt 'em down like dogs.

- First, you'll have to get out of here.

I think someone has done their job very well indeed.

- I just feel I had to say we are in danger

of losing the Orbital Platform.

(missile whirring)

Well, need for me to say I told you so,

but we have lost the Orbital Platform.

It's gone.

- Our backup generator just kicked in.

- But the mains are offline.

That only happens in grade-one emergency.

- What is a grade-one emergency?

- An attack on headquarters!

(dramatic music)

HQ operations are down!

- Let's switch to the Orbital Platform for reconnection.

- This is serious.

The Orbital Platform is down too!

They're in big trouble down there.

- And there is only one person

who has a chance of saving them.

- [Spanners] Cassie, we can't!

- Let him prove himself, Pop!

You owe him that much!

- Okay.

Get him outta that thing.

- Good morning.

- What? - Remember me?

No? - Who?

- The pretty one with the accent and the brains?

The former XX01, now known as Boris Goudphater.

- We know who you are.

What we want to know is what exactly do you want?

- A world of my own.

- Well, I'm afraid that is not possible.

- All right.

I'll take this one then.

(laughs)

Resistance is futile!

(laughs)

- This could only be the work of one dastardly creature:

Boris Goudphater!

- I will cleanse the earth of the unsightly humans

and replace them with my own bespoke race of Phatermans!

- Race of Phatermans?

- A race created in my own glorious image.

(laughs)

Doom will be arriving shortly.

Please feel free to amuse yourselves while you wait.

- Get me Crush Lair, now!

- All communications are down, sir.

- We can't even contact our defense forces?

- Bad news, Pop.

No signal from the Orbital Platform.

- Time for a closer look.

Let's go, Crush.

- Where are you going?

- To make a house call.

Keep searching for the Orbital Platform,

and get me the Viper.

(suspenseful music) (machine pinging)

(dramatic music)

- Is there any way out of here?

- All the exits are sealed, sir.

And, before you ask, the override circuits

on the emergency exits are deactivated.

- APU to start-up.

- Ready.

Check.

Launcher, T minus 20, all systems go.

(dramatic music)

Engines to full power.

Releasing air brake.

Here we go.

- Now, just take it easy.

You know how much I hate flying!

(screaming)

- The temperature is dropping.

- I'm glad you noticed that, sir.

It will eventually reach minus 50 down here.

Everyone will freeze.

- How long do we have?

- Two hours, maybe three.

- [Commander] Then we have to get out of here.

- Hey, we're two miles beneath the Hudson River, sir,

and the walls are 10 feet thick.

There is no way out.

- There is always a way out!

- Do you know of one?

- No, but I'll focus on it

with all my military intelligence.

- (laughs) Military intelligence,

now there's an oxymoron, or in his case, just a moron.

(dramatic music)

- You must blow up each radar dish in sequence.

This is my Russian accent.

If you don't, we can still link

into the communications system.

- Don't worry about nothing, boss.

I will go and destroy all them radar dishes

and them things, and come back all fine and that.

- Please don't.

- My god, you're all heart.

- No I'm not!

(farting) No, I'm all brain!

I'm greater than Einstein!

(laughs) - Boris!

I should have said you're all fart.

(dramatic music)

- Approaching HQ.

- [Alex] Three miles to target,

and there is no identification signal.

- That's because the power is off!

- Sir, even with the Orbital Platform out,

the satellite network may be operating.

- Is there any way to tell?

- Not as such, but we could try linking up manually

to restore power.

- Good plan,

if we had someone on the outside to make it work.

(dramatic music)

- Easy!

Easy, I said.

Maybe you should put it on automatic pilot.

- It depends on what mood the automatic pilot is in.

- [Alex] I heard that.

- Nevermind, just keep it level!

I'll do the rest from here.

(aircraft whirring)

- Bullseye.

- Attempting audio link.

(machine pinging)

(phone ringing)

- I thought the power was down!

Who could be calling us?

- Unless it's a really determined telemarketeer,

it must be help.

- It cannot be a telemarketeer!

It's not dinnertime!

- HQ, who is this?

- Your knight in shining armor, here to save the day.

- Spanners, is that who I think it is?

- I can explain, sir.

- No need.

For once, I'm glad you disobeyed my order.

- But cold man, the Gasket,

disobeying a direct order is a capital offense.

- Not when Agent Crush is the only one

who can save our planet from total destruction.

- I am? - He is?

- We're dead!

- We believe we can reroute power from the Orbital Platform

through the Siberian radar installation.

- That should work.

- But you still have to stop Boris Goudphater.

- I won't let you down.

- If you do, this time, it will be the end

of all life on Earth.

- Now that's just great work!

Now you got two of these monstrosities out there

trying to destroy the planet.

- Major, Crush is our only hope.

- Not anymore!

Somebody's got to see to that radar installation.

I'm getting out of here, no problemo!

(door whirs)

- I routed, remarkably, I made a connection

to one of the radar dishes, sir.

- It will only work if we link all nine dishes.

Where's Major Gubbins?

- He's attempting to escape

through the emergency explosive chute, sir.

I don't hold out much hope.

(dramatic music)

- [Commander] Stop what you're doing

and get back inside, Major!

- I'm not leaving the fate of the world

to that mechanical menace!

- But it is suicide.

- I don't know the meaning of the word suicide.

- Oh, that's very noble, but totally stupid.

- Not stupid!

I really don't know the meaning of the word suicide.

(dramatic music)

(screaming)

- Where is he now?

- Level three and climbing.

Awfully fast.

I mean, it's only my opinion,

but I think it might be too fast.

- Major Gubbins is on his way up to you.

He'll be there any second.

- On his way up?

How?

- The emergency discharge tube.

- That doesn't have a brake!

- If Major Gubbins doesn't make it,

you must proceed directly to the radar network

to reconnect us to the grid.

- Roger that.

- He said roger?

- Keep your eyes open, Crush.

Who knows where he's gonna land?

(machine whirring)

(Gubbins screaming)

- Did he make it out?

- Indeed he did.

Lady Liberty is missing him like a hole in the head.

- Contact rescue services to pick him up,

and then return to Crush Lair

and await further instructions.

- Roger.

We'll leave you a remote communications device.

(aircraft whirring)

(machine pinging)

- Remote communication device armed.

- Good, let's go.

(dramatic music)

- [Boris] Are you ready yet?

- Nearly, yeah.

I went the wrong sort of up the road,

and didn't do that right,

but then I fixed it, but then now,

just going back, and then I'm just right on it.

- How nearly?

- I am headed to dish number three,

so that's quite good, in real terms,

in a positive reflective sense looking forward or something.

- Out of line!

Get a move on!

I have a world to destroy!

- What's that?

- [Alex] We have sustained damage to the fuel port.

- You didn't fill it with unleaded fuel again, did ya?

- Well, with gas prices this high, what choice did I have?

- [Alex] Total engine failure in 30 seconds.

- Get us down, now!

(dramatic music)

- [Alex] Bracing position.

- [Spanners] Ah!

- Well, that's me grounded for a while.

(gulls screeching)

(dramatic music)

- Am I alive?

- Well, you are breathing, Major.

- Close enough.

Get me my gun ship.

And someone will have to get me another gun.

The G-forces have scratched this one.

That ain't an order.

I'll keep this one.

(device beeps)

(engine rumbles)

(dramatic music)

(device beeping)

- We can only hope Major Gubbins made it, sir.

And in one piece would be nice.

- It's Goudphater that concerns me right now.

Where are you, you madman?

(engine whirring)

- Where are we, you madman?

- We are in the exact spot

where the 10:58 comes through!

- The 10 50-what?

- A train, my frivolous friend!

A train! ♪ The train comes running along the line ♪

♪ Trickety come, the engine drivers comes in front ♪

♪ He makes it run, he makes it shun, boop ♪

A train, you prat-head!

(dramatic music)

- Leader to all air dogs,

we must protect the radar dish network at all costs.

I'm gonna kick me some full metal butt.

(laughs)

- [Pilot 1] Roger.

- [Pilot 2] Roger.

(dramatic music)

(train screeching)

(train whistle blaring)

(cannon fires)

- [Engineer] This is transportation unit five,

we are under attack.

I repeat, we are under attack.

(dramatic music)

(cannon firing)

(avalanche rumbling)

(cannon firing)

(dramatic music)

Holy cow, we have big problem now.

(aircraft whirring)

- Finally.

This is the last dish.

(suspenseful music)

(plane whirring)

(dramatic music)

Oh there!

(guns firing)

Ah!

- [Pilot] Target is lit.

I'm gonna take a shot at it.

(gun fires)

(Piston Pete screaming)

- Who needs secret agents?

When there's a crisis,

it's the Army that gets the job done.

- [Pilot] But we're the Air Force!

- Shut up!

(gun fires)

Oh, I didn't do that.

(dramatic music)

- [Pilot] I thought we were supposed to

stop that from blowing up.

- I told you to shut up!

- The train standing at platform 54 in Siberia.

What am I saying?

There is no platform.

I'm enjoying myself too much.

Get off the train and leave the area!

Failure to do so will mean certain destruction.

You have 10 seconds!

That's my train!

They won't get off my train!

It's heated!

Oh, they won't get off my train.

Get off my train!

(dramatic music)

(cannon fires)

- [Engineer] You can have it. Be my guest.

- So, what do we do now then, huh?

You genius.

- Now we claim our prize! (laughs)

I can feel the rust in my soul shaking!

(farts)

Oh, that's a lovely one. Well, that's a good one, wasn't it?

(sniffs) Smells of St. Petersburg, that one.

(dramatic music)

- [Engineer] I am detaching.

She's all yours. (speaking in foreign language)

Bye-bye, baby.

- This is Crush Lair to Major Gubbins.

What is your position?

- The situation is under military control.

We do not need your help!

- Did you capture the hostage?

- The hostage is in custody.

Now, take your little plastic toy

and his stinking toilet badge and butt out!

- See if you can find a trace signal from the network.

- Nothing, Pop.

- Impossible.

That would mean the entire network was destroyed!

The incompetent fool.

- What have I done now?

- Go ahead, Crush Lair.

- No signal from the network at all, sir.

It must've been destroyed.

- What are you talking about?

Major Gubbins secured the installation and took a hostage.

- He may have taken a hostage,

but the installation is gone, sir.

- Then the earth is at the mercy of that madman.

There is no one left to stand in his way.

- Not quite, sir.

The Crush team are ready and willing to go.

- Oh, it's no use.

It will be a million to one shot.

- A million to one shot is better than no shot at all.

- Well, you do seem to have me at a disadvantage.

All right.

We'll give it a try.

Contact Houston and have them launch the repair satellite.

We have to restore power here before we all freeze to death.

- You got it.

This is Crush Lair calling.

Houston, we have a problem.

- [Man] We know that.

We've been unable to contact Central HQ.

- Spanners here.

HQ needs you to launch the remote repair satellite

to try and reboot the power grid.

- [Man] I anticipated this,

and the probe is already being prepped for launch.

- Let us know when it's ready.

- I'm sorry to interrupt,

but is my secret agent badge

really a toilet badge?

- I think it's time we told him.

(dramatic music)

(engine rumbling)

- Are you trying to tell me I'm not human?

- Not exactly, no.

I created you using the most advanced

cyber techniques ever invented.

- I'm not real?

- You're more real than a lot of humans I know.

- But I'm not human.

- No.

You are the result of years of testing and hard work.

- Am I the only one?

- There was one other, a prototype.

- What happened to him?

- He went mad.

At first, I thought it was my design flaw

that had twisted his brainstem and driven him mad.

- But I discovered that it was an internet virus

that attached itself to some crucial circuitry.

It wasn't Pop's fault.

- So, what happened?

- He was placed in the recycling unit to be destroyed.

- So, he died in there?

- Not exactly.

Sometime later, we discovered that he had, in fact,

escaped during the recycling process.

- Where is he now?

- His prototype number was XX01,

but now he calls himself Boris Goudphater.

- Boris Goudphater is my brother?

- Unfortunately, he is, and now, he has to be stopped.

- Then in order to save the earth,

I have to kill my brother.

- Yes, I'm afraid so.

- Well, it could be worse.

He could've turned out to be my father.

- It won't be long until the whole planet

is filled with my master race of Phatermans!

(laughs)

Ooh, imagine that.

Phatermans everywhere, what an atmosphere!

(farts)

To hell with the ozone layer!

Up for Phaterman air!

(dramatic music)

- Put socket A into junction C

while holding bracket D at right angles to tab E,

taking care not to spill glue into the power points.

- Glue?

(metal clangs) We need glue?

These instructions may as well be written in Japanese.

- They were.

I had to translate them back into English.

- Where is my main man MacGyver when you need him?

Get me a screwdriver.

- Well, this is all a cruel joke.

Hmm, they were right.

I am a failure.

Crush doesn't rock.

Crush is a crock.

- You are not a crock.

I think you're awesome.

- Just not very useful in a crisis.

- You are the only person who can stop this madman.

The earth needs you.

- We need you!

- I'm not any more real than this badge.

- This badge is real.

I made it for you.

- Out of an old toilet badge?

- It's not what it's made of that counts;

it's what it stands for.

- And what does it stand for?

- It stands for honesty and integrity,

decency and courage.

It stands for you, Agent Crush.

- And it's time you went out there and showed the world

what you're made of!

(dramatic music)

(speaking in foreign language)

- [Olga] I can't get a depth reading on the magma.

- That's because it goes all the way

to the center of the earth.

It's bottomless! (laughs)

(farts)

- Boris, I wish you were bottomless.

- I'm getting reports of a train crash in Siberia.

- Do we have a link to get visuals?

- Negative.

Everything's still out.

- [Spanners] How did you hear about it?

- It's Charleen Chinstubble.

She's got the damn thing all over the net.

- Not her again!

Wait a minute.

Use the scanner.

Try to tap into her transmission.

- Brilliant, Pop!

As usual.

(machine whirring)

- This is Charleen Chinstubble,

reporting live for you from the scene

of a horrible train crash.

A train filled with nuclear fuel!

This is the site of what looks like, viewers, a hijack.

- Freeze it there!

There, that's how Goudphater escaped

with the nuclear fuel.

But where did he go?

- I'll download MapQuest for the entire area.

- How is the interrogation going, Major?

- He is refusing to talk.

He's a harder nut to crack than we thought.

- [Spanners] Keep trying.

(ominous music)

- [Man] Launching prepare rocket in T minus 30 minutes,

and counting.

- So, now he has a nuclear core?

- But not a detonator.

- If we knew where he planned to get one,

we could track him down.

- Unless he already has one.

Then we're all dead.

(dramatic music)

- [Man] Ignition in T minus 30 seconds, and counting.

29, 28.

Ignition in T minus 20 seconds, guidance is internal.

Ignition sequence start.

10, nine, eight,

seven, six, five,

four, three, two, one,

ignition!

We have commit.

(dramatic music)

Houston, we have cleared the tower.

- The rocket is headed for a rendezvous with a satellite.

(dramatic music)

- [Man] What do we do with those?

- There are always a few extra parts leftover.

Switch him on.

I am Major Rusty Gubbins, head of security

for the World Security Network,

and you are my prisoner.

Oh, tough guy, huh?

Well, we got ways to deal with that.

Break out the interrogation equipment kit.

(dramatic music)

- I'm finding it difficult to breathe.

It's so hot!

(engine rumbling)

This must be the main magma flow.

- Yes!

I've always been opposed to fly tipping,

but when needs must, the devil drives.

Get the ship ready!

- Running all the way, boss.

(dramatic music) (magma bubbles)

(machine whirring)

(dramatic music)

- [Man] Okay, his voice box is in.

Try it now.

- Talk!

What is Goudphater up to?

(speaking in reverse)

- [Cassie] HQ wants to know how the interrogation's going.

- Excellently.

We'll have the entire plan soon, no problemo.

- Oops, we're losing you.

(mimics static)

Sorry, we (mimics static).

- Good thinking.

- Well, that takes care of them, but what about him?

(speaking in reverse)

- I think he must be speaking Rusty.

(speaking in reverse)

- I'm just on the borders of being Terry Wogen here.

- What's a Wogen?

- And Piston Pete isn't that kind of.

(Gubbins gasps)

Hey.

(aircraft whirring)

(dramatic music)

- Sorry, you putrid tyrant.

Where do we get this detonator, eh?

- From the first place we went into.

Isn't that always the way?

- I think that would be a grave mistake.

- When I want advice from a mindless cretin like you,

it'll be time to hand in my evil mastermind license.

Now, get us out of here!

(dramatic music)

(aircraft whirring)

(dramatic music)

- All right, dock achieved, sir.

You should have power very shortly.

- Yeah, well, make it quick.

People are passing out from the cold.

We haven't got much time.

- Just try to hang on, sir.

- [Cassie] I've got it, Pop!

- [Spanners] Okay, I'm listening.

- Goudphater plans to destroy all humanity,

and I know how he's gonna do it.

- Does it have anything to do with why

he went inside a dead volcano?

- Exactly!

But it's no ordinary volcano.

It's directly linked to the main magma flow

at the center of the earth.

And...

- It gets worse?

- Way worse, Pop.

It's also linked to the magma corridor

stretching to Alaska and the western United States.

- The San Andreas Fault.

- But wait, there's more.

It connects to the southern magma corridor, too.

- He may be a madman,

but he's thought out his plan very well.

- A big enough explosion down there, and...

- Magma erupts out of every volcano on the earth's surface.

- Plus every fault line, hot spring, manhole,

and mine shaft, and even a few unlucky toilet seats, too.

- He's already got the thermal magnetic nuclear core.

- [Cassie] So, all he needs is a detonator.

- We can't stop him.

- But I can.

I'm the only person who can take this madman out.

After all, I am related to him.

- You may be related to him,

but thank goodness you're nothing like him.

(dramatic music)

(machine dinging)

- I'm pleased to say, and surprised to say,

the network's back online, sir.

- Not a moment too soon.

How much power do we have?

- 50% and growing by the second.

- Welcome back, sir.

- Is there any news?

- Lots of it, and nothing good.

- Okay, you had better start at the beginning.

- He's not Russian, sir.

- Romanian?

Liverpoolian?

Mohican.

Japanese, eh?

- No, sir.

- Then why is he speaking like that?

- Because we put his voice box in backwards.

(machine zaps) - Ah, shucks!

Now his computer crashed.

- HQ to Gubbins, what did you get out of the prisoner?

- Not much, sir.

Unfortunately, the robot's system crashed.

- Forget it.

Start the cleanup operation now.

Gubbins couldn't get anything out of the prisoner.

You are going to have to find his trigger source, and fast.

- Will do, sir.

- Good luck, and godspeed.

The lives of the entire world are in your hands.

- Geez, no pressure or anything.

- Where will he go for the trigger?

- I'll go online and trace all locations

that carry that type of detonator.

- We've gotta think.

- The museum.

- Of course!

What was he doing there?

- He wasn't!

His sidekick was.

- A decoy!

- Right, and if Piston Pete was a decoy,

where was Goudphater?

- We need surveillance footage of that building, and quick!

Crush Lair to HQ, get me the chief of police.

(car horns honking)

- [Sergeant] Sergeant Snatch here.

We recovered the video from the TV station,

and the feed is on its way.

All right, thank you.

- Thanks, Chief.

The data's coming through already.

- This is all junk.

Goudphater's not there!

Wait!

This is the firework factory footage.

(fireworks blasting)

Freeze it!

Well, well, what are you doing there?

- He wasn't there for the fireworks, that's for sure.

- We've gotta get over there, fast!

- We can't.

The Viper is still out of action.

- Well, I guess it's time to unveil my latest creation.

- Which is?

- Something that all good secret agents have.

(dramatic music)

(device beeps)

(dramatic music)

This is the Venom.

- Oh.

For me?

Do I get to drive?

- Think you can handle it?

- Oh yes.

- I'll fill you in on the accessories en-route.

- Wait, before you go,

there's a new bit of software I've come up with

to get those last few bugs out.

- Cassie, your software's affecting my hardware.

- [Cassie] Now go get 'em, Agent Crush!

(dramatic music)

- Thermal batteries started, nuclear coils to startup.

(machine pinging)

(machine whirring)

Controls are online.

Are you ready to save the earth?

- I was born ready, thanks to you.

- Then let's go get 'em.

(dramatic music)

Hit it!

(engine revs) (tires squeal)

(dramatic music)

- He was after something at the firework factory,

probably the remote trigger.

- I'll sent Major Gubbins over as backup.

- Not really necessarily, sir.

We think surprise will be the best form of attack.

- Quite right.

It makes sense.

Keep me informed.

- Phew.

(dramatic music)

Pop, I've got it!

A block from the fireworks factory

is a company that makes remote control detonators

used in demolition.

- That's got to be it.

Keep the Army back until we've had a chance to grab him.

- Good luck, and be careful, both of you.

(dramatic music)

(engine revs)

- Anything yet?

- There was absolutely nothing, sir.

Zilch, nada.

- We can be there in 15 minutes, Commander.

- Let them have their chance, Major.

If they don't get in, then he is all yours.

(suspenseful music)

- Alex, are you getting anything from your thermal imaging?

- [Alex] Nothing.

The building is deserted.

(engine rumbles)

- I was sure this was it.

- Maybe he already split?

- No.

He's here.

I can feel it.

(engine revs)

(suspenseful music)

(dramatic music)

(device beeping)

(Boris laughs)

Clever.

He used the refrigeration plant to mask his thermal image.

- And it looks like he got what he wanted.

Spanners to HQ, Goudphater stole a remote detonator

from the component factory, sir.

- If he gets close enough to use it,

it will mean the end of every living thing on this planet.

- That's not going to happen,

not with Agent Crush on the case.

- You mean Team Crush?

We're a team.

- Not anymore.

I'm going alone.

- Now, wait a minute!

- Sorry, old chap, but this is too dangerous.

- But... - No.

This is as far as you go.

(machine bangs)

- [Spanners] Whoa!

(dramatic music)

(tires squealing)

(aircraft whirring)

(engine buzzing)

(tires screech)

- Boris, Crash is right behind us!

(dramatic music)

- Not for long.

(aircraft whirs)

(laughs)

- Guess I'll just have to wing it.

- Why doesn't he die like a good little boy?

(dramatic music)

(car horns honking)

(aircraft whirring)

(Boris laughs)

- [Alex] Mines, three of them!

- What?

- [Alex] In the road ahead!

Now would be a good time to take evasive action.

- Taking evasive action then.

(dramatic music)

(aircraft whirring)

- Boris, he's still coming!

- Really?

Let's see him try this!

(aircraft whirring)

(dramatic music)

(camera clicks)

- Oh, great.

A flying speed camera.

Now we're going to get a ticket.

- Ha!

Who's gonna send it to us

after I've destroyed all mankind?

(laughs)

- Sorry, I'm a little camera shy.

Say cheese.

(machine beeps)

(cannons blast)

(dramatic music)

- That does it!

Crush is destroying city property.

I'm going in!

- Stand down, Major!

That's an order!

(aircraft whirring)

- Not this time, Commander.

I have his coordinates,

and squad trucks closed in on all sides.

No problemo.

(aircraft whirs)

Almost got him.

Losing him.

Five, four, three,

two, one!

(screams)

(car alarm blaring)

Commander, we got a poquito problemo.

- No, you've got a big problemo, Captain Gubbins.

- That's Major Gubbins, sir.

- Not any roger more, it's not.

- Sounds like I just got me a demotion.

(dramatic music)

- What are you doing here?

- He ejected me, said he had to do this alone.

- Is that all he said?

- Let's just hope he comes through for all our sakes.

- He'll come through.

I know he will.

What is that smell?

- Boris, I know I sound like a broken record,

but he is still coming!

- You keep saying that, and it's getting on my nerves!

Oh, shut up!

- [Olga] Isn't there a train in there?

- I'm banking on it, but you never know these day.

(dramatic music)

(aircraft whirring)

- [Alex] Train.

- What?

(train whistle blaring)

- Train! - What?

(train whistle blaring)

- [Alex] Train!

Whoa!

(dramatic music)

- I know where he's going!

There's an underground fissure ahead

that will take you right to the earth's core.

- Then that's where we're going.

- I can't help you.

The rock will block out any communication waves.

You're on your own.

- I can do this.

- I know you can.

Alex will help you.

Trust your instincts.

- Good luck, Crash!

(dramatic music)

(aircraft whirring)

- This is the fifth time I've said it, Boris,

and guess what, he's still coming!

- I told you to stop saying that!

(dramatic music)

- Here he comes, ready or not.

- Like a lamb to the slaughter.

(mimics lamb bleating)

(guns firing)

- Come and get it!

(machine pings)

(speaking in foreign language)

We lost the blasted gun!

- I'll make them pay for that!

I got it on approval!

Fire now, pay later!

- Ha!

You cretin.

You never pay for anything anyway.

- That's not the point.

It's the principle of the thing.

- [Alex] Now it's your turn.

Got to get me close enough to disarm the trigger.

- At last, I have my revenge!

(laughs)

- [Alex] They're being arranged to detonate in 20 seconds.

- We will catch them first, right?

- [Alex] Unfortunately not.

It was a good try, Agent Crush.

- This is not over.

- He'll be in the range in 200 yards,

but Crush is closing fast.

- Not fast enough, my mindless minion.

Not fast enough.

- We can stop them.

I have to.

(machine beeping and whirring)

Have you checked out our ceiling and visibility?

- [Alex] I think I see what you mean.

Five seconds, one shot.

- A truly good secret agent only needs one shot, Olga.

(missiles whirring)

- Missed me, you missed me!

Sticks and stones may hurt my bones,

but missiles will not hurt me!

(dramatic music)

- I think it's all getting on top of old Boris.

Shame.

- [Alex] The detonator exploded harmlessly,

and the nuclear core is still intact.

Well done, Crush.

(machine whirring)

(machine beeps)

- Now what?

- [Alex] The explosion has caused

a tidal wave of lava.

Quick, back the way we came!

Back the way we came!

Now!

- You don't have to ask me twice.

- He did it!

- I knew he could.

- You don't sound happy.

He saved the earth!

- He saved the earth, but I'm afraid he's killed himself.

- Killed himself?

How?

- The explosion has caused a tidal wave of lava,

and it is flowing up the cavern.

It will spill harmlessly on the Greenland coast,

but only after incinerating everything in those tunnels.

- No, Pop, he'll find a way.

Crush will find a way!

(aircraft whirring)

- [Alex] Calculating the speed of the wave,

plus the diameter of this cavern,

equals incineration in 30 seconds.

(aircraft whirring) (dramatic music)

- Any news?

- No, sir.

- Come on, Crush!

Come on!

(dramatic music)

- [Alex] A crutch will shaft open.

This is it, Crush.

(dramatic music)

- Spanners, the lava lamp is out.

- You did it!

You did it, Agent Crush!

- Crush rocks!

- Well, yes, I guess I do.

- Well done, Agent Crush.

The world owes you a huge debt of gratitude.

Return to HQ immediately.

- Thank you, sir.

- Of course, we'll be reinstating you immediately

as our number-one secret agent.

- Yes! - Is there anything else

we can do for you?

- You can get him a real secret agent badge.

- You can consider it done.

- If you don't mind, I'd like to keep the old badge.

If that's all right.

- (laughs) Whatever you wish.

The world thanks you.

You have rid us of the wretched curse Boris Goudphater,

once and for all.

(dramatic music)

(Boris farting)

(Boris laughing)

- [Olga] Next time, vodka shots, I drive.

Got it?

(stamp thuds)

- I love you, Agent Crush.

- But of course you do, Cassie.

After all, you are only human.

(Cassie sighs)

(aircraft whirs)

- [Crush] Well, that's me definitely grounded.

(dramatic music)

- I'm Ioan Gruffudd, and I play the part of Agent Crush.

I read the script, and I fell love

with the idea and the concept of it.

It was a very funny script.

Yes, it's definitely appealing to the boy inside me.

It's real boys-with-toys, absolutely.

(engine revs)

It's just unbelievable.

It looks like a very expensive movie,

in the hundreds of millions of dollars region.

It's very impressive.

The script is so clever and so witty,

and there's so many double entendres in there

that we can all appreciate as adults,

and the kids will appreciate it on one level,

and we'll really appreciate them as adults.

I think it's gonna appeal to the whole family

across the board, and those sort of movies

are few and far between in this day and age,

the movie the whole family can go and watch

and really enjoy.

- [Man] And action!

- My name is Brian Blessed.

I'm very good looking and sexy too.

And I play Boris Goudphater.

Boris is an amazing creation.

I find it very exciting.

I found the script completely original.

I think the whole project, amazingly original.

You're always in your life looking for something original.

The character of Boris is sensational,

and he's wonderfully villainous.

He's pure villainy, and consequently,

he's wonderfully likable,

and I think he's one of the most amazing characters

I've done so far in my life.

- Boris!

I should have said you're all fart!

- No.

- [Rula] Is now?

- Yeah. - That's getting better.

- [Rula] Well, if I do that.

- That's good.

- Oh look, you see, it's coming out of here.

(laughs)

- That's a good place to have it come out of.

Okay, 211, take 155.

- [Man] Action!

- I'm Neve Campbell, and I play Cassie in Agent Crush.

Cassie is the daughter of a character named Spanners.

It was really neat seeing Cassie.

You have no idea what the character's gonna look like,

except for drawings that you've seen

when you come onboard with the project,

so it was really neat to go into the model room

and then see the actual model of her.

She's hot.

I like her. (laughs)

Excellent, great.

- [Man] I love you, Agent Crush!

(dramatic music)

- We're dead!

- No, wait, he can do this!

Give him a chance!

- Roger that!

- Roger?

(cannon blasts)

(man shouting)

- [Man] Action!

(cannon blasts)

Action!

(dramatic music)

(man shouts)

(dramatic music)