Original subtitles

I got offered a job. It's on the Gold Coast.

What have I told you about the risks of early intercourse?

The diseases. The emotional consequences.

The hip dysplasia.

My lawyer reckons I can sue them for 150 grand,

even though I'm 50% at fault.

Thanks for calling me on FaceTime. Now I can see you.

You can see me, for better or worse. And you're in your jarmies.

Oh, shit.

Don't jump to any conclusions. What, that my best friend stole

the virgin hair and tried to frame me? As if I didn't know.

My name is Macca. Argh!

You like it?

Yeah, what is it? It's awesome.

You know I always design apps to help people?

Yeah. I warned you about wasting your time with that shit.

Yeah, well, I thought,

what's the most simple, idiotic brain fart of an idea

that I could come up with, and that's it - Psycho Mouth.

So it's yours? Mm-hm.

Cool. What else does it do?

Nothing.

Sold it to a platform for $20,000 and get 30 percent profits.

Fuck. How's it selling?

Top 100. Fuck.

What are you still coming to work for?

There's no long-term security in making apps.

Gee, you love your long-term security, don't you?

Yeah, I do. I love it.

You love your corsages, too? Is that your wedding suit?

Yeah, it's my civil mediation today.

If I can squeeze 150K out of the guy that ran me over,

I'll be joining you and your app in the winners' circle, mate.

What do you think of the corsage?

I'd lose it, mate. I can't. It's sewn on.

It looks great.

# It's a wide open road

# So, how do you think it feels

# Sleeping by yourself

# When the one you love The one you love

# Is with someone else

# It's a wide open road

# It's a wide open road... #

'All lanes have reopened on Wattle Street, Haberfield,

'following late finishing road works.

'It's 8am. Traffic's clearing as we speak.'

Do you think Mum suffered?

No. I mean, she had a lovely room at the hospital overlooking the garden.

Yeah, but Mum hated gardens.

No, she hated gardening.

Oh, well, even so, it's just a fucked-up place to go - Albury.

I mean, you know, could be worse. Could be somewhere like Townsville.

Townsville's actually come a long way in the last few years. Ah!

Apparently they're getting an IMAX cinema.

Oh, yeah? Mm.

You know, I think I like the concept behind the IMAX

more than the actual experience.

Yeah. It's a bit... Too close.

..in your face, isn't it? Yeah. Get a migraine.

An eye ache, and your neck's all cricked back.

I've got to thank you for representing me again.

Oh, don't be silly.

No, look, something opened up and, you know, you're my brother. Yeah.

That's what Mum would have wanted. Anyway, look, thanks again.

Thanks again? For helping.

Still thanking me. It means a lot.

Don't thank me too much. You know it's not free this time, don't you?

You charging me? Yes, I'm charging you.

Well, I'm not just going to give you free law services for eternity

just because we're related. Don't worry, you're getting a discount.

How much of a discount? 50%.

50... That's still $5,000 a day.

$5,000 a day. That's right.

Yeah, but, like, it's... Saving $5,000 a day.

What do you mean, saving? It's $5,000 a day.

Yeah, but you're saving $5,000 a day.

Come again? It's $5,000 a day.

No, you're thinking about it the wrong way.

OK, you think $5,000 is a lot of money.

It's a lot of money, yes. Hold that thought.

You're saving $5,000.

'We're hearing that traffic's banked up

'on Northumberland Street, Liverpool,

'after a road rage incident over a parking spot.'

BEEP 'Message received today at 8.15am.'

ROMI: 'Hey, mate, Gold Coast is great.

'A naked guy was arrested in Surfers the other day,

'for driving 120 in a 60 zone.

'They pulled him over and charged him with not being on meth.

'Still got it! And you thought Queensland would dull my brain.

'It's nice.

'The only thing missing is a cute delivery guy

'trying to lure me into his creepy white van.

'I don't even know why I'm calling.

'I know we said no calls. Not so soon.

'But I don't know. I guess... I miss you.

'I think I'm just going through that natural thing that everyone

'goes through when they start a new job in a new city.'

Oh! Ow, ow! 'I haven't found

'a good coffee place yet.' Ow!

'All the clubs have signs outside reminding you to wear a shirt,

'which is terrible, because you know how much I hate wearing a shirt

'when I'm out.' HE SQUEALS

'It's weird the things you miss.

'Sorry for this message. I won't call you again.

'I'll give us a bit of time to move on. See you.'

'A protest march is underway from the Town Hall to Circular Quay.

'There's rolling road closures and delays can be expected.'

I know you're tired of hearing me say sorry.

Correct. But I am sorry.

I'm sorry that I stole the hair from the storeroom using your password.

And I'm sorry that the truth is, I didn't do it for us.

I did it for me.

I'm going to return the hair today.

I don't need dirty money.

And I don't need to be the boss of our friendship.

I just need you to be my friend again.

OK. OK what?

OK, I'll be your friend again.

Look, I don't know if you noticed but when I became a supervisor,

I lost the plot a little bit.

That was a beautiful apology. Thank you.

I'm so, so happy we're friends again.

Honestly, it was so hard not talking to you on the way to work.

Seriously, because last night I matched your cousin on Tinder

and, obviously, I know you're into him,

I didn't want to make a move because it's pretty awkward.

I don't like my cousin. Yeah, you do.

No, I don't. The lady doth protest too much.

The lady doth not give a fuck, actually.

New plan. New plan. So you can doth date whoever...

New plan. Listen, OK?

I'm going to take the rap for this.

What? Yeah.

You're my best friend, Simoni, OK?

And I'm really lazy as well.

So I can just chill out in jail. You can set up the yoga-wine bar.

One to three years, I pop out, everything's set up.

Well, that is ridiculously selfless, but I don't think a bank

is going to give us a loan if one of us has a criminal record.

Ah, that's true.

Fine, new plan. Thank you.

We're gonna sneak the virgin hair back into the storeroom

and neither of us go to jail.

How?

Well, it's left unattended for about three minutes

when the security shift changes over.

So we can put it back then. Sometimes it's 30 seconds.

Sometimes it's three minutes. It's not foolproof.

We're not fools, are we? And it's win-win as well.

Because if we both get caught, we both go to jail

and then we can spend one to three years with each other. Best friends.

But you will be the one sneaking the hair back into the storeroom

because it was you that stole it and I'm the supervisor, so...

We'll see.

No, we won't. OK.

How was your buck's party?

I guess you can't call it a buck's party cos there was no wedding.

You mean my party? Mm-hm.

Yeah, awesome, thanks for asking.

Yeah. Many people from work turn up?

No. Dave put paid to that.

He just can't get over this whole "I rooted your wife" thing, you know.

Yeah, I guess some of your friends have kids and stuff and...

Yeah, and there was a lot on with the Vivid Festival and so on.

Yeah, yeah. I can see how there's a bit of crossover there.

So, yeah, it was a pretty tight group and we're like,

"Cool, all the more Sumo Midget Milfs, booze and dolls for us."

Yeah, it was great for a while and then some guys had to go home

cos they had to get up early in the morning.

So I just hung out and just called a few people,

but no-one really picked up because it was getting late.

No, wait a minute, I lie.

My wife picked up and she told me that she's moving in with Macca.

You know, the other Macca, the one I was mates with.

Which I'm pretty happy about cos he's a decent guy.

And then the next thing I know, a rescue worker is pulling me in

from a ledge on the 19th floor of Parramatta Tower.

Mate, you could have called. I would've picked up.

No, you were too busy being a fuckin' adult.

Mate, I would have picked up.

What time do you have to be in court?

Oh, 9am. You sure the corsage is OK?

There's a Swiss Army knife in the glove box.

It's got a corsage removal blade, has it?

Well...

..let's cut this thing off like your left nut.

It was my right nut.

But thanks for your concern, mate.

Maybe just wait till you get to the courtroom.

I reckon I can do it. OK.

'I don't understand, babes. I just don't.'

Have you been drinking? 'No! Yes.

'What? That's classified.'

Jesus, Gary, it's 8am. 'What?'

Gary, just try and pull yourself together.

Kosciusko's about to go under.

The CEO'S gone, they've taken away all the redundancy packages,

and there's talk of some internal theft.

I've got a lot of shit going on.

'I can lend you money. I can help!' SHE MOUTHS

'Gary good at helping.' I think it might be over, Gary.

'But I thought we were the ones.'

Look, I'm not saying it's forever.

I just need some time to think.

'Is it because I kept my feelings repressed?

'Because that's just a tragic by-product of my spy training.

'But I can unlearn.' Gary, Mia.

To start with, you're a loud typer.

It's bloody annoying. I can hear you from my room.

There's just no need for it.

Secondly, she hates your sneakers.

As do I. Gary, she's embellishing.

You speak about yourself in the third person - odd.

'Gary's father did it. It's normalised behaviour.'

Yeah, OK. You clean your ears with a pen. Gross.

And lastly, and most importantly, she just doesn't love you, Gary.

OK? Sorry, that's life.

We're just humans having a go. OK, Gary, bye.

Gary? Hello?

Well, that was a bit mean of you.

I wanted to break up with him, not destroy his life.

Tough love, Mum. You got to be cruel to be kind.

That was just cruel to be cruel. Yeah, sorry for trying to help.

What is wrong with you, mush?

Nothing, fuck off! Mia Rose!

Are you premenstrual?

Yeah, a girl's out of sorts and you blame her cycle.

I'm just saying you're not normally this grumpy.

I mean, you are grumpy a lot, but this is OTT.

I'm not premenstrual.

I think I might be pregnant.

SHE SOBS

I'm sorry, Mum!

You always warned me not to do what you did. Look at me now.

It's not that. It's just...

I think I might be, too.

SHE SIGHS

'All clear on Benarra Road, Hoxton Park,

'now that an overturned truck has been moved.

'It's 9am. Have a happy work day.'

'It's 5pm. A northbound lane on the M7

'is closed on Richmond Road, Dean Park...'

So are we going to bury her next to Dad, or...?

No, she hated him.

You know, they'd probably end up haunting each other.

You know what she wanted? She wanted to be turned into a diamond.

What? It's a thing.

What do you mean, turned into a diamond?

Well, you know, what they do, they get the body,

they dehydrate the body then they compress all the carbon molecules

and eventually, it'll just, like, I don't know,

through centrifugal pressure it turns into a...

into a diamond for eternity for 25 grand.

Phwoar, 25 grand. It's not cheap.

She's got a cheaper option.

She could be like, I guess, frozen in time, put into a Chilean glacier.

That's seven grand. Froz... She said that?

She wanted to be frozen into a Chilean glacier?

Well, yeah... You know, she didn't, she wanted the diamond.

What happens if it melts? It's global warming.

Suddenly she's gonna thaw out,

she'll be floating around the ocean, rotting.

Yeah. I don't know.

It's not nice, is it? We should maybe go the diamond.

D'you reckon we should go the diamond?

D'you wanna go the diamond? Let's do the diamond.

Turn Mum into a diamond? Yeah.

Wanna go halves?

Twelve and a half grand each. Only seven and a half for you.

You just saved five. Yeah.

Should we do it? Let's do the diamond.

Let's do the diamond. Eh!

We're going to turn Mum into a diamond.

You know, the glacier does have some merit, actually.

I was gonna say exactly the same thing about the glacier. Yeah.

I just think it's seven grand versus 25.

It's also returning to the earth.

It kind of looks like a diamond anyway. It's spiritual.

I think diamonds sort of have a bad rap these days, with blood diamonds.

Oh, of course, yeah. You'd kind of be turning Mum

into a literal blood diamond.

Yeah, I didn't think about that.

A horrible thought, isn't it? We'll go the glacier?

Yeah, glacier sounds good. Definitely, definitely the glacier.

You know, we could just bury her.

I was thinking about burying her as well, but I think maybe

the glacier's... there's more dignity.

All right, let's split the diff. We'll do the glacier.

'All westbound lanes have reopened on the M5 at the River Road

'after an earlier multi-vehicle crash.

'Traffic's heavy in both directions...'

How did your court case go?

Oh, I don't know. It's hard to put into words...

that I fuckin' won!

Oh, mate! Yeah!

That's brilliant. Congrats, mate. What's that, 150K?

No, no, no. It's actually 10. We just settled for 10.

But a fuckin' win's a win's a win's a win.

That's great, buddy, congrats. Fuckin' Bali, here I come.

Macca will be doing these ones.

He's going to be fuckin' doing these ones.

All right, settle down, settle down. All right.

Fuckin' doing these ones... Argh! What?

Oh! What's wrong?

Fuckin' cramp. Stretch it out.

Fuckin' cramp! Oh!

Are you all right? Yeah.

You OK? Think so.

You're probably going to have to stretch before you go out, eh?

Fuck.

What's the matter?

I'm such a fuckin' screw-up, mate.

I lost my wife. I lost my mates.

I cramp up when I screw.

Not even when I screw, when I pretend to screw!

What's the fuckin' point?

Mate. Please don't get out of the car, OK?

I'm not going to. It's all right.

I just wanted to say... re the nut.

TEXT ALERT

Yeah, mate, what were you going to say?

Fuck. What?

We're finished. What?

Kosciuszko's been bought out by a US hedge fund

and we all have to reapply for our jobs.

"Please return to collect your personal belongings ASAP."

NED SIGHS Woo-hoo! Yeah!

Man, that's terrible news. I'm gonna have to reapply for my job.

Fuckin' not for me.

I got 10,000 bucks minus lawyer's fees.

I'm fuckin' out of here, baby.

Congrats, mate. Congrats, mate. Fuck!

What was I saying?

Oh, you were saying something about the wedgie.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ned, I just wanted to say that it was a completely arseholic thing

of me to do.

And if I could bring back your testicle somehow, I would.

But I can't.

I'm sorry, Neddie.

Thanks, mate.

Yeah.

Ow! Ow! Cramp?

Yeah... Nah.

I just wanted to break the awkward silence.

That was full-on.

You were amazing. Thanks.

I can't believe the hedge fund guys were in the storeroom.

I know, they were literally taking stock.

They were doing stocktake.

We took stock. Well, you took stock.

Well, I took stock, but we would have both gone to jail

because I would've told the court that you stole the hair

and I was returning it to do you a favour.

I would have been good in jail. You'd have sucked.

I would have been much better in jail than you.

You have no street smarts. Yeah, but I'm a people person.

I would have befriended, like, the big mama of the prison.

She'd have taken me under her wing, she'd be like,

"Oh, what can I do for you, baby bird?"

I'd be like, "Chirp, chirp, chirp. I'm hungry.

"Feed me a little worm. Regurgitate it out of your stomach."

Whereas you'd be, like, carving a shiv out of a tampon

and insulting everyone with tattoos.

You were a target at Kosci. You'd be a target in prison as well.

People loved me at Kosci. Did they?

I guess it's irrelevant.

I saved your arse today from, like, a hedge fund ambush

with stolen goods. Oh, I know!

I was literally punching in your password to the storeroom

when I heard you over the intercom going,

"Simoni, please report to management right away.

"Your mum's dead." I know. I was like panicking.

I was like, "How do I stop her?"

I was like, "Oh, I'm a supervisor, you idiot!

"I have access to the intercom."

So what are two girls going to do with $24,000 virgin hair?

We wait till the heat dies down and we find a buyer.

Yeah. Namaste cool till then.

I don't even feel that guilty. Especially since the hedge fund guys

were gonna make us re-apply for our jobs.

I wonder if I would have got supervisor again?

Kidding! Fuck.

I need something with a lot less pressure, you know.

And we've got our down payment now,

so our yoga-wine bar's probably going to need an Instagram account

and it's going to be pretty time-consuming to run.

Great. And I'll do everything else.

BOTH: Third eye, dab-dab, Namaste, woo!

Did you make it to the doctor's at lunchtime?

Yep. And?

Well?

Look, sweetie, I will accept the result, either way.

Oh, and delete that text I sent you.

You don't have to go and live with your father.

It's just the adjustment.

I'm kind of too young and too hot to be a granny.

Don't you agree? Sure.

I'm not pregnant. Oh, thank Christ!

CHILD BABBLES

Come on, darling, almost there.

Guess who's going to be a big sister?

No, Mum, I'm not pregnant.

You're pregnant.

Do as I say, mush, not as I do.

Have you any idea how we're going to cope?

Just put one foot in front of the other.

Take it a week at a time.

Act as ye have faith.

Oh, God, you haven't told Gary, have you?

Oh, he's going to be over the moon.

We have to limit his visits or he's going to drive us insane.

Gary doesn't have a job.

TEXT ALERT

Oh, shit. Neither do you.

'A westbound lane on the Western Distributor

'is closed near Pyrmont Bridge Road due to a bus breakdown.'

DAVIS: 'How are you coping?' I'm good.

Doing really well.

Like, you know, I've had three lumps of shit

stuffed into the sock of life.

If you put shit in a sock and I've had lots of it, and I'm just...

I've put the sock on and I'm just, like, walking on with life.

'Yeah, well, you've handled that sock like a pro.'

Well, yeah. It's weird.

I've still got shit in my shoe, metaphorical shit in my shoe,

but I couldn't have done it without you.

'Oh, well, the redundancy pay-out probably helped more than I did.'

Yeah, you know, 300K, or 289, you know, cos I had to, you know,

pay out 10 grand to that filthy bong smoker

that smeared his testicles over my windscreen.

But hey, $1,000 left out for a night on the town.

'Well, think of me while I scour the employment sites.'

Don't you find that ironic?

You were an employment counsellor and you've been made redundant.

'Yeah, I do. But, you know, I guess I can counsel myself.'

Hey, look, if you need a reference...

'Thanks. What would it say?'

I'd say you've got a very polite phone manner.

'Thanks.' Very efficient.

And you look very cute in your bloody pyjamas

when you're cleaning up the house.

'Well, that was very embarrassing.' No.

Hey, you've not asked me

why I'm spending $1,000 on a night out.

'OK, well, why are you spending $1,000 on a night out?

Well, turns out I've actually met someone.

'Oh, who's the... lucky man?'

I think you know who it is.

'Lukas... Lukas?'

HORN BLARES, TYRES SCREECH

'Who's the lucky man?'

It's actually... it's just me and Barney at home tonight,

watching Gremlins.

Hey, look, you're welcome to join if you want.

'Oh... OK.'

Really?

You'll come over and watch Gremlins?

Great, I'll text you the address and... see you there.

'OK, fine.' Bye.

PHONE RINGS

Yeah, it's Paul.

'Paul, Tony again. It's Bay 33.'

All right.

'Thanks so much for going out to Mascot at such short notice, mate.

'You were the only one in the area.'

I wasn't really in the area, actually.

I was on my way home, but...

'I owe you one, mate. You in the car park yet?'

Yeah, I'm here now.

'OK, the guy with the freight's almost there.

'We need you to collect it and bring it straight back to Kosci, OK?'

Can't I bring it back tomorrow morning?

'Well, mate, I just assumed you'd be keen to show

'a bit of extra initiative with all the turnover that's happening.'

Oh, yeah. No, no, no, right. No, I'm very happy to bring it back.

'Good man.' What does he look like?

'He's a big bloke. He's about 6'6".

'Half his face is covered with tribal tattoos.'

Holy shit. 'Yeah, full disclosure, mate.

'He's part of a work release programme with the prisons.

'So just be cool. I probably shouldn't have said anything

'cos now you might act weird with him.

'Don't act weird cos he's sensitive and you don't want to trigger him.'

What? Trigger... 'Don't look him right in the eye.'

I don't know about this, mate. Is he safe?

'He just texted me. He sees you.' I can't see him.

'See you back here with the package.'

Oi, mate! Ah!

SHE SQUEALS

Oh!

Surprise!

What happened to your face? A wasp.

Oh, you still look cute. How did...?

How did you get Tony to...

Oh, I introduced Tony to his wife, so he owes me a favour.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Hey, shut up.

I gave up a job on the Gold Coast to be with you.

You can deal with a little bit of pain.

You quit for me?

No, dickhead, I quit for me... to be with you.

Oh, I love this song.

# Ordinary people, it's OK

# You don't have to wear those wings

# They're stupid things

# You get the world On your birthday, baby

# Open your eyes And say yes, no, maybe

# The box ticks on The core is a bomb

# The world is silent

# You listen like a lover to it... #

COUGHING

HE GIGGLES

# Sometimes a mirror's a miracle

# Sometimes it's nothing at all

# In this reflection Even angels fall

# You could fly anytime... #

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