Original subtitles

Ives, I'm sorry, but listen, I...

You knew Lena killed Frank,

and you asked for her help anyway,

and now she's stolen Frankette!

I did what I had to do to save you.

You would have done the exact same thing!

No, I would not! Frankette was the last piece

of fuckin' Frank that I had left.

And thanks to you, she's with the person who murdered him!

Ives, if there was literally anything else I could've done,

I would have!

You chose to trust a Luthor without telling me.

What happened

to all the "we need to be honest with each other

about everything" stuff?

Okay, it wasn't like

I had a lot of time to make the decision!

Your actual life was on the line.

It would have taken two seconds, Harley.

"Hey, Ivy, should I trust this evil woman

who killed your plant-son?" "No." See how fast that was?

Fine. At least we agree on one thing.

Lena is a fucking lunatic,

and we need to fucking kill her!

Who knows what she's gonna do

now that she has control of Brainiac's ship!

Hey! Where are you going?

I'm going to get Frankette back and take care of Lena.

Yes! Let's fucking go!

No! Stop!

You've done enough! I will take care of it alone.

Ivy, wait, listen! We can talk about this!

Shit!

Oh, for Christ's sake!

Dad, hi. Now is not the time for your whatever bullshit

that you think you're...

Your mother is dead!

Oh, my God! What happened?

I'll tell you everything when you get here.

But get here quick.

Bruce, I need to get to Lena.

That makes two of us.

Ugh... Shit!

When she said she needed some space,

I didn't think she meant

she was literally going up to a spaceship.

She was always so busy.

I thought she was planning galas and soirees and fetes,

you know, female billionaire stuff.

You can just say, "billionaire."

Turns out she was sneaking off to see some alien guy.

And worst of all, I had to find out via musical.

Bruce, we gotta move this along. Seriously.

Maybe she's taking a break from screen time.

I'll just her up once more.

Ugh. This fucking guy.

Ugh!

You're still here?

I don't need you anymore.

Stop it immediately. You cannot do this.

I can't?

Well, would you look at that? I can!

Because I'm in charge, Brainy.

You really screwed everything up

with your depressive episode.

And now that I've unscrewed it,

I can get this city bottle-ready.

Oh, really? Well, to that I say...

Wrong finger, dumbass.

Not on my planet.

In fact, this is the most offensive hand gesture

in the entire galaxy surrounding Colu.

Oh, yeah? Well, then up yours too.

How dare you! Take that!

Now to get back to...

Bro, for fuck's sake!

Take a hint.

Oh, my God.

Okay, you know what? That's enough.

I'm starting to think our relationship isn't going well.

Do you have any advice?

You and Harley are pretty solid.

Well, actually, I'm pretty pissed at Harley right now.

She never thinks before she does. And she kind of...

Oh! Okay.

Why does this keep happening to me?

I mess up all my relationships.

Talia, Catwoman. and now, Lena.

Well, you know, you have a type.

- I like brunettes. - Hey, Bruce,

we got to move this along. Focus, please.

How do I get to Lena?

You're a billionaire.

You must have a spaceship I could borrow.

That's an offensive stereotype.

Not all billionaires have spaceships

or unsuspended licenses to fly them.

This is fucking pointless. This is pointless.

That's what Lena would say...

...when we had literally any conversation.

It was such a good bit.

What about the teleporter in Lena's place?

Good luck getting past the security system

I gave her for our 15-day anniversary.

The intruder response is devastating.

Okay, Well... how do I disable it?

Enter the override code. Duh.

What is the code, Bruce?

Oh, Jesus!

Come on. Oh, buddy, bring it in.

- It's okay. - I set it myself.

- Give me a second. - Oh, my God.

The code is "BruceandLenaforever."

because we were supposed to be together forever.

I miss her so much.

Well, you're gonna miss her a lot more

when I'm done with her. And also, you've got ice cream

on your... like...

You know what? Just take a shower after this.

Ah. Oh, Harleen,

what took you so long?

Jesus Christ!

- You cremated her already? - Nah.

These are the treats for losing weight.

Okay. What happened?

How did she...

Oh, honey... It was horrible!

She went out to pick up some of those, you know,

vegan sausages.

We've gone vegan these past three months,

and I got to tell you, I feel great.

I lost 12 pounds.

Anyway, anyway...

Some motherfucker

left an uncontrolled shopping cart train

in the parking lot.

Thirty carts knocked right into her...

...shoving her

into the path of a big-rig.

Oh, my God! That is horrible!

Yeah, well, I wish that was the end of this.

The big-rig dragged your mother's body for six blocks,

until it was dislodged

right by that dog cafe.

I couldn't even recognize her face.

Nick, honey, I'm in the tub.

Oh, you disgusting piece of shit.

I should've known!

No, no, no, no. You don't want to go in there.

My stomach is still getting used to the vegan stuff

and it smells like shit...

Who are you talking to?

- Mom? - Harley, honey!

I didn't know you were coming to visit.

Ah. It's a miracle!

- Oh, hello, my dear. - Okay.

My name's Gail. How can I help ya?

Hi there!

I am a friend of Lena's,

uh, and she asked me to check on the place

while she's away.

So I just wanted to get in there and do my job.

Oh, wow, you are such a good friend.

Ah. So I'll just go in there

and make sure everything's okay.

Oh, I'll just need you to sign in before I let you through.

Okay, so to sign in...

I'm sorry, who... Who are you?

I'm Gail!

And signing in won't take more than two seconds.

We should just probably move things along.

Just 'cause I have another, uh, sort of, urgent appointment

right after this.

- So I just... - Oh?

What is the appointment for, hon?

Uh, I'm getting my hair done.

Ooh. That's so exciting.

I used to be within spitting distance of your hair color.

- You're kidding! - Now I'm snow on the roof,

no fire in the oven. You know what I'm saying?

Wow, that's one way to put it.

But now I'm just old and invisible.

Oh... I don't think that's... You're not invisible.

- I see ya. - Oh, you're sweet.

- It's just tough, you know... - Is it?

I'm all alone.

Well, sometimes you have to just, like, do things alone.

Because the person you depend on is like, you know...

Can we just, like, move the sign in along,

you know, only just 'cause I want to get in there

- and do the thing? - Almost there.

I just need to open this up.

Now let me see...

I know how to do this.

- Uh-huh. - Swipe this part.

Swipe...

Oh, I... I think it is my thumbprint? Or is it...

Oh, it's a face thing. Ah.

Oh, God. Okay.

- Put my face up to it here... - Yeah...

- I can't remember if I smile... - Smile's not gonna matter...

Look at that. Even the computer thinks I'm invisible.

Uh... No, I think you just need to hold it like this.

Uh, Gail, can we please hurry?

Absotootly!

Oh, now, where did I put my cheaters?

Oh, Gail!

You sick fucker!

Honey, I can explain.

All you've ever done is lie,

make money off me, oh, and try to kill me!

And now you faked Mom's death?

I only lied because I knew you wouldn't believe me,

on account of all the lies I told before.

Eat shit!

I am out of here, and I am never coming back ever again!

I don't even know why you wanted me here

in the first place.

Oh... It was so I could do this!

Oh, sorry, honey.

I'm gonna need you to stay a little longer.

Oh, I think they're right there.

Oh, found my cheaters!

They were on my head the whole time!

Now you just need

to sign pages one through seventeen...

You know what? That's it!

I'm not here

to check in on the house.

I'm actually breaking in.

- So... - Oh, you're breaking in?

Well, gosh, I hate to put a damper on your day,

but I sure can't allow you to do that.

I told you... I'm G.A.I.L.

Uh...

Geriatric Android Interface Lady.

Wait, you're the security system!

You betcha!

Uh! Annoying old lady who makes nonstop small talk

and distracts you.

That's actually a genius security system.

Oh, honey, I haven't even begun to get annoying.

Hey! What the fuck are you doing?

Let me go!

No can do, sweetheart.

Stupid Irish son of a bitch just cost me 700 bucks.

Dad, why are you doing this?

Eh. Some lady paid me a lot of money

to keep you tied up and out of Metropolis,

away from your gal pal, Ivy.

Lena! What does she want with me?

You know, she wanted me to kill you?

But I figured, why waste all those perfectly good organs?

Wait, is Mom in on this, too?

Oh, of course not.

Jesus! You think I can't do nothing without your mother?

I got a life of my own, Harleen.

- What are you... - I've got hobbies.

I play online poker

and general scuttlebutt, eh?

Helper Boy for Nick Quinzel?

Yeah, that's me.

Hey, whoa,

you're the guy who helped me mount my TV. Brian, right?

Seventy-five-inch flat screen and sound bar.

Sweet starter home-theater sitch.

How's that working out for you?

Best way to watch Bosch.

No doubt, no doubt.

Didn't know you were a surgeon, too.

Well, I've never removed organs before.

I believe in you, son.

Ah, man, that means a lot.

So, who's psyched for some surgery!

Now your dad didn't spring for the anesthesia package?

In this economy?

So we're doing this, Civil War style.

You have got to be fucking kidding me!

Now hold your breath.

We have to slice open the lungs to get to the kidney.

Pretty sure.

Stand still, dear. This won't hurt...

much.

Oh, sweetheart, where'd you go?

Kind of rude to walk away when someone's talking to you.

A teabag? What's that gonna do?

Oh, my. Okay.

Well, I knew I should have switched to coffee.

Damn it! Where am I supposed to enter the fucking code?

Okay...

- Okay, um... - Oh, that tickles.

- You never get used to it. - Uh, just... all right.

Whoopsie! That's not right.

You got two more chances, hon, before blammo!

Ampersand. Okay, ampersand. Hold on.

Wrong again, hon.

Uh! What am I missing?

Oh, Brucie.

- You didn't... - But he did.

Oh, he used a "4" in "forever."

Okay, here, it's the number four.

It's the number four. I got it, got it, got it.

Got it!

Hooray! You did it!

I knew you could. I had a good feeling about ya.

You got pluck!

Aw!

Bag of dicks.

Aw, man,

I forgot to charge the thing.

I'm just gonna have to use the scalpel.

So this is your full-time gig?

Oh, you know, it is, actually.

Gives me flexibility to work on my vlog.

Oh, shit. That's great.

Yeah. I watch episodes of SNL,

and point out what they should have done differently.

Oh, that's terrific!

Thanks, man. Appreciate it.

Um, which one is the scalpel, again?

Someone asks for a scalpel?

Nothing against you, lady.

I have a reputation to maintain.

I'm a diamond status Helper Boy.

Ha!

Yeah? Well, you're about to drop to gold!

Make sure you give me five stars.

Oh, god damn it!

Aw, fuck! Shit!

Hey, G.A.I.L., unless you can fix this machine,

you better stop following me.

You may have overridden my security protocol, dear.

But you didn't think Lena Luthor

wouldn't have a backup plan, did ya?

Hmm?

Oh, Ivy, Ivy, Ivy.

Trying to save the day

without your pale gal pal, Harley?

I suppose if I'm getting rid of her,

it's just cruel to keep you around.

Automatons! Listen to me!

You do not have to verbalize your commands.

Merely thinking them is sufficient.

Oh, shut it, Brainy.

I'm having fun.

Something you wouldn't understand.

I am a 13th-level intellect.

I understand everything, including fun.

Oh, please.

You had control of the entire world,

and instead of enjoying it,

you organized it like a bookshelf.

But, this... Oh, this is better than being on Molly.

Huh?

Molly was the name of my favorite horse, as a child.

Hmm.

Automatons!

Destroy Ivy.

Ope, you have ten seconds before the automatons get here.

Oh, shit, shit, shit!

Oh, that was a little premature.

Ugh! Fuck a duck.

Ow!

- Now, that's a little rough. - Okay, There's gotta be

a fucking way out of here.

Yoinks...

- Hello! - Hmm.

Ow, ow, ow! Okay.

I should've called in sick today. Am I right?

Because this does not feel good.

That's a wrap on G.A.I.L.!

You hired goons, too?

At time and a half? Fuck no!

We were sent by Lena Luthor.

She always has a backup plan.

Yeah! And you're about to get Luthored!

Terrible catchphrase.

Oh, what would you know?

Your brother was the one that was gooder with words.

Too bad he's dead.

Well, I would be, too, if you had your way.

Hiya!

All the horrible things you did to me,

and I... I just keep coming back!

Because for some reason...

...I don't care what you think about me,

which is ironic because you never think about me.

And actually, Dad,

I am good at words

because I used "ironic" correctly there.

This ends... now!

I am finally gonna tell you what I've always wanted to say.

Dad, you are...

Dead?

I can't believe he's gone. I mean...

I'm kind of waiting for him to pop out

and tell me it's a fake out again.

That's the kind of shitty thing he'd do.

He would have loved this funeral,

especially since we got it so cheap

'cause the cemetery had a cancelation today.

He was such a piece of shit. Why am I so upset?

Honey, isn't it obvious? Nick was a piece of shit!

He was a fucking lying, cheating bastard,

and I fucking hated him every second that he was alive!

But he was our piece of shit.

That's what family is, Harley.

Pieces of shit who make life complicated,

but you love 'em anyway.

I wish I had told him that one last time,

instead of telling him he was a dickless waste of space

when he wouldn't change the filters in the air purifier

even after I asked him 25 times to god damn do it!

I was so mad at him, and now he's gone.

Ivy was so mad at me when I left.

- If that bullet had hit me... - I guess that's why they say

you should never go to the grave angry.

Yeah, I gotta go, Mom. I love you.

Where the hell are you running off to?

We have a whole spread of vegan lox back at the house.

I have to help the woman I love kill the woman we both hate,

Lena Luthor.

Yeah, well, I'm coming with you.

- What? - If it wasn't for that bitch,

my Nick wouldn't be six feet under right now.

Fuck you and love you, honey.

I'm sure you're already hustling

those Irish bastards in hell.

Aw.

All right, let's go!

Almost done, Brainy. Finishing touches.

You know what color my brother really fucking hates?

Teal! All of Park Ridge is now Teal Town.

Take that, Lex!

Lex?

And there's nothing my brother hates

more than prime commercial real estate

being wasted on curated artisanal bullshit.

Well, here is a store that only sells salt.

And this hideous building is now my hideous building.

Ives, hi.

I know you're upset with me...

Harley, I... I don't...

- Oh. Hi, Sharon. - Oh, hi, Ivy!

You're looking a little extra green today.

- Is that a good thing or... - It's not a bad thing.

Okay. I'm really sorry that I asked Lena for...

- Harley... - Listen, listen...

Lena tried to kill me!

Actually, she hired my dad to kill me.

And then her goons killed my dad!

Wait, what? Your dad died?

Yeah. For real this time.

Honey, are you okay?

Yes, I am now.

But when I was at his funeral, I was just thinking, like...

Wha... What if that bullet hit me,

and I died with you angry at me?

Babe, I may, in the moment, be angry with you,

but there's never a moment where I stop loving you.

Really?

Say that again 'cause I want to remember it forever.

- I could... - What's this?

The new Dean Koontz?

No, it's... it's... it's Lena's journal.

I broke into her place to try and get to the ship,

but she destroyed the teleporter.

So, it's all just, like, pictures of Lex

dying a painful death in different ways.

Okay, Lena sucks, but she gets points for imagination.

I mean, death by miniature horse is kinda genius.

Yeah, she definitely has a lot of issues with Lex.

It's like she's obsessed with him.

Holy shit.

- That's it. Lex! - Wait, what?

The only way you can hate someone that much

is if you care about what they think!

Even though she hates him,

Lena still craves Lex's approval,

just like I did with my dad.

How could anyone hate Lex Luthor?

I want to wax that head of his

until I can see my coochie in it.

- Mom! - What? I'm single now!

Yes, Lex is the coochie... ...is the key.

And if he can inspire this kind of rage,

we could use him as leverage to stop Lena

and whatever fucking nightmare scenario she has planned.

- Right? - Listen,

we have to go break Lex out of prison, now!

Ooh, I wonder if Lex got all freaky in prison

like those guys on that show, Oz.

- Sharon... - Mom! Jesus Christ!

- Stop talking! - ...it's too much, too soon.

So, we'll be going in the front,

backside or underneath?

Personally, I'm a rear entry kind of gal.

Oh, my God, Mom! Dad just died!

Well, maybe I should just stay in the car

'cause my only daughter thinks I can't say anything right.

You know what, Mom, you're right.

It is better that you stay in the car.

You can be the getaway driver, huh?

Aw, just like my honeymoon.

- Is this car a stick? - No one drives a...

You know what? Goodbye.

Might as well relax a bit, since I'm not wanted...

Mom, now is not a good time!

I can't fix the fucking seat!

How do I get it up again? Oh, boom.

I wasn't even trying with that one.

Okay... There's a handle on the bottom. Okay?

Just reach below the seat and you should be able to find it.

Let me know when you...

Get out of my face, you bird-faced pilgrim!

Oh, uh, okay. I got the handle.

Stretch down and slide it forward or back.

- Whichever way you want it... - Hmm, it's still flat, honey.

I feel like I'm in a sarcophagus.

You need to get a better car.

This one's kind of boxy.

It's a lease, Mom.

Just used the little switch on the right side.

It says Lex is right up there in that cell on the left.

- I got it. - I can't find the switch!

Is it my right or your right?

How can it be my right?

Shit! Lex isn't here.

- He's not here. - Okay...

What the fuck? Where is he?

Bingo! I've got my eyes on that sexy bald eagle.

Your mother's on it!

Mom! Mom, are you okay?

Yep. I got him. And I fixed the seats.

I don't know what kind of living situation

you guys have in Metropolis,

but I'm gonna need a humidifier in my room.

And I still have those night terrors,

so I suggest you get a very loud noise machine,

preferably ocean or monkeys in the trees.

Is she staying with us?

No! I don't know.

Listen, right now we just need to focus on Lena's...

Hol...

This is Metropolis?

Ugh, it's more barren than I am.

Oh, my God! We're too late!

Fuck! Lena did it.

The bitch actually bottled the city.