Original subtitles

♪

♪

David's voice: For the next ninety minutes,

you will be tranquil,

and at peace with your reality.

As you listen to the sound of my voice,

feel your body fall into a deep state of relaxation.

You are listening to an Inner Awareness Incorporated

guided personal affirmations recording.

I have power.

I am confident.

A success story.

People think I am an interesting person.

I communicate lovingly.

I feel--

Okay hold on.

David, David, cut, cut.

Uhh--

Hold on.

Okay.

Radiant--

David--

Abundant.

Are you drunk again?

Uh, no I just had a little drink at lunch.

It's nine thirty in the morning.

Uh, so? I don't judge when you eat lunch.

Okay, I was gonna wait 'till after the session to tell you

but apparently our female customers would like the voice

of a heterosexual man feeding them their affirmations.

Excuse me?

Think about it.

Insecure women want a straight man

to tell them to love themselves.

No, I'm not gay, I just have a gentle voice.

David, you're gay.

Just accept yourself as you are,

and all your problems will disappear.

I don't have any problems.

Like you're drinking problem for one.

I don't have a drinking problem.

And your denial problem.

I don't have a denial problem.

A lot of people wanna work with me.

I was on a hit TV series.

That was a kids show!

So?

That was twenty-five years ago!

It's a classic.

You're now doing shitty non-union voice-work

'cause that's the only acting gig you can get.

I've never liked working with you.

Okay, fine.

You're fired.

David's voice: Now that we're relaxed,

take a deep breath,

and repeat these affirmations to yourself.

Let's start.

If I don't fit into an imperfect world,

I am better than the world I live in.

I am in control of my life.

I am responsible, and well loved.

Angry Driver: Fucking moron, move!

David's voice: I am well adjusted.

I lead by example.

I have a healthy body and mind.

There is nothing to fear.

What do you mean stage three?

Doctor: It's spread below the skin.

This is pretty far in.

We should talk about treatment options.

I'm okay, actually, thank you.

I understand that you may be upset

but you need to deal with this.

You can't cover this up with a bandage.

This is skin cancer.

Didn't your mother ever tell you that if you didn't have

anything nice to say, not to say anything at all?

Make a follow-up appointment with Jeneane on your way out.

We need to come up with an aggressive treatment program.

In the meantime, try to stay out of the sun.

David's Voice: I take steps to be more healthy.

I am resourceful.

I find happiness in every moment.

Every day I get better and better.

I have a rich and supportive social circle.

Every decision I make helps shape my destiny.

I have not peaked.

My life is on the cusp of greatness.

TV: Wacky Street!

(Laughter from television)

(Knock on the door)

Ms. Kim: David open up.

You're late with the rent again.

That's really weird.

I put a cheque in your mailbox this morning.

You're lying.

I hate liars.

That's why I divorced my husband.

I'll put another cheque in your mailbox tomorrow, okay?

Put that cigarette out this is a non-smoking building.

You know that.

Okay, I'll do it immediately.

Have a great day Ms. Kim.

David's voice: I am what they call a success story.

I can help shape the world of tomorrow,

from the wisdom I've learned from my past.

(school bell ringing)

♪

♪

David's voice: I am known for my generosity.

I am a servant of my community.

I help others achieve their goals.

Did you get it?

Of course I got it.

Here you go.

I've got your change too.

Thanks Mister,

we've been standing out here trying all day.

No problem, I like helping the youth of today.

Thanks.

Have a good future.

Enjoy the tequila.

Do you think you can lend me some money?

You need money again?

You need to call Mom and Dad.

Oh, no.

I've cut them off.

Okay, then you need to see somebody else.

Call a psychiatrist.

You need to talk to somebody.

You need help, David.

No, I don't need to talk to anybody.

I don't need help.

I wanna help other people.

Who do you wanna help?

Teenagers.

You don't have any skills.

Okay.

Go to college or something.

You can get a job.

I don't need to go to college.

I can get a job.

This is what you don't understand.

I'm an actor.

I can be anyone.

I can do anything.

You need to go David.

Why?

Because you're an embarrassment.

You're cut off.

♪

♪

David: Student support counsellor.

Perfect.

As someone who makes a career out of helping youth,

it's best to relate to them on every level possible.

What teenagers need to hear more of is praise.

If they know that we respect them,

they will learn to respect themselves.

Teenagers are complicated.

But they're a lot like us.

David's voice: I give myself the power, to build from my past,

and inhabit a new person.

My name is Roland Brown.

I'm a high school guidance counsellor.

My name is Roland Brown.

I'm a high school guidance counsellor.

My name is Roland Brown.

I'm a high school guidance counsellor.

My name is Roland Brown.

I'm a high school guidance counsellor.

What a youth counsellor needs to do more of is praise.

Teenage-- Teenagers are complicated.

But they're a lot like us.

The youth of today--

The youth of today--

Are my responsibility--

Are my responsibility.

You really have to operate on their level,

to get them to open up to you.

For someone who makes a career out of helping youth,

it's best to relate to them on every level possible.

Teenagers are complicated, but they're a lot like us.

Teenagers are--

Teenagers are complicated.

But they're a lot like us.

♪

♪

My name is Mister Roland Brown.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

♪

♪ I don't know how to get where I'm goin' ♪

♪ But I know I'm growin' up every day ♪

♪ And if I fall, I'll get back into it ♪

♪ 'Cause I know I'm doin' it my own way ♪

Hi.

Umm, my name is Roland Brown.

I'm a high school guidance counsellor.

Okay?

And, uh, for someone who makes a career out of helping youth I

should probably relate to them on every level possible.

Are you gonna buy something?

Well the youth today are my responsibility.

Do you happen to know what they're smoking?

Like drugs?

Oh, no.

Uh, cigarettes.

Umm.

I'm a high school guidance counsellor

so it actually helps my job if I know this kinda thing.

I don't know.

Just give me the strongest cigarettes you have, please.

Thank you.

♪

Thank you.

I love your, um, cardigan.

Okay.

♪

♪

Who is that?

Roland Brown.

My name is Roland Brown.

Roland.

(whispering) Brown.

Hi.

I'm here for the job interview with principal Newman?

Mr. Brown?

Yes.

You're two hours early.

I'll see if Mr. Newman can see you now.

Just have a seat.

Okay.

Get in a fight?

Fuck you.

I think that was uncalled for.

I said fuck you, faggot.

Fuck you.

No fuck you.

No.

Fuck you.

Principal Newman can see you now Mr. Brown.

Hey he just told me to fuck off.

I did nothing of the sort.

He's lying.

You'll have to excuse Desmond.

He's our resident discipline problem.

I understand.

(whispering) Just for the record

I said "fuck you" not "fuck off".

Hey you just did it again!

(sigh)

You look so young for what you have down here.

Well that's the thing about being

around teenagers all the time.

It keeps you looking young.

Don't you find that yourself?

No.

Well maybe not you.

Did you have any specific approach to

youth counseling at your previous school?

Yes, I did.

What a youth counsellor needs to do more of is praise.

If we respect them, they will learn to respect themselves.

Teenagers are complicated, but they're a lot like us.

Well they're certainly complicated.

You can really help build their confidence,

whether it's to solve their day to day problems

or helping them plan their future.

Umm, by solving your day-to-day problems,

you can, umm, properly plan your future.

If that makes any sense,

which, I think that it did.

Ten years at your previous school.

Why did you leave?

Well, I got a divorce.

I moved away.

I was married to a woman.

I have her photograph.

Would you like to see it?

That won't be necessary.

Okay.

Our regular counsellor, Mr. Fisher,

passed away a few days ago.

I hate it when that happens.

I'm sorry.

And I'm going away on a very important conference for a few

weeks and I will not leave these children without a counsellor.

We're looking to make a decision in the next twenty-four hours.

I'm assuming you can start immediately?

Absolutely, I'm rearing to go.

I'm really anxious to help the--

The youth of the future.

And today.

It was a pleasure to meet you.

You exude radiance, Mr. Newman.

Hey.

Oh hi.

Alisha: Who are you?

My name is Mr. Brown,

I was just interviewed

to be your new guidance counsellor.

The last one died.

That's not gonna happen to me.

I have a healthy body and mind.

You do know it's illegal to be drinking

alcohol on school property right?

Yeah, of course.

I pay attention to the rules,

and my drink of choice is green tea.

(chuckle)

Mr. Brown, I can spot an alcoholic from a mile away.

Just like her mom.

Alisha.

Okay, I don't know what you're talking about.

And I don't know about your mother but,

umm, my body is a temple.

I'm very choosey with what goes in it.

It's a very spiritual place.

Alisha: You are insane.

Alisha, stop.

Well thank you.

Okay girls, umm, I'll see you later, hopefully.

Okay, bye.

We're watching you Mr. Brown.

David: Terrifying girls.

♪

God, why haven't they just called?

(sigh)

(phone ringing)

(deep breath)

Roland Brown speaking.

Brenda: Hi Roland, this is Brenda.

Hi.

From Grissom High School?

We wanted to know if you'd be fine

to take the job on a temporary basis.

Of course.

I know this is quite sudden.

We're in a bind.

Could we ask you to start tomorrow?

I can-- Um-- Yep.

I can start immediately.

Absolutely.

Oh that's wonderful.

Oh thank you Roland.

Okay.

We'll see you bright and early tomorrow.

Alright thank you.

Appreciate it.

Okay thanks.

By now.

Buh-bye.

(beep)

Roland Brown, you just got a job.

♪

♪

(car horn)

Hey!

No, it's--

Watch it! Eh?

Watch out!

♪

Faggot.

David: Fuck you.

(school bell ringing)

Brenda: Okie doke I set up your account

so you can now access the system.

Pretty much everything's on there.

Great.

You know, umm, I'm the one in charge here

until Principal Newman comes back.

Would you like to meet your new colleagues?

So, I test, when was the French revolution.

Ms. Simms: Right.

And she says "the 1960s".

Hello everyone!

Brenda, kinda in the middle of something, do you mind?

I'd like to introduce you to our brand new guidance counsellor.

This is Mr. Roland Brown.

David: Hi.

Mr. Brown you call me if you need anything.

I have my own extension.

Okay. Buh-bye.

Bye.

You know now that Newman's on vaycay

the power's gonna go right to her little head.

She is so effing annoying.

Effing?

People are still using that as a replacement for fucking?

What?

Umm, I was just effing joking of course.

Andrea, they call me Miss Simms.

You wore a lot of crushed velvet in the nineties didn't you?

Excuse me?

You just have that look.

What does that mean?

What are you talking about?

Hi.

Mr. Schlitz.

Hi.

Mrs. Schlitz.

Oh my god brother and sister.

We're married.

Gross.

I'm Scott Hal, the gym teacher.

You look like you're in great shape.

You know, it was really great to meet all of you.

I'm sure we're all gonna become

really close friends but I should probably go.

Troubled teenagers await.

Bye now.

♪

David's voice: Every task is a step closer to my dream.

I am in harmony with my surroundings.

I prepare for my life.

My life is important.

(muttering)

I am a professional.

(whispering) I'm an excellent guidance counsellor.

I really wanna help you, that's my passion.

That's what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life.

Roland Brown.

Roland Brown.

Roland Brown.

Hi.

Can I help you?

Umm.

I have an appointment with Mr. Fisher.

Mr. Fisher is dead.

Oh.

Umm, can I talk to you?

Yes.

Yes.

What's your problem?

Umm, it's a friend thing.

Mmm.

A problem with a friend.

I mean, I have no friends.

And why do you think that is?

Umm, Mr. Fisher said I should

join extra-curricular activities,

like prom committee, or cheer leading.

But, I don't wanna join any extra-curricular activities.

They're all mean there.

I just wanna know how to, you know,

be myself when I'm not alone like,

interact with other people?

I'm shy.

Umm, what's your name?

Rhonda.

Rhonda.

Well, umm, Rhonda, maybe uhh, listen to Mr. Fisher.

The dead man.

Why don't you join prom committee?

Aren't you supposed to help me?

I'm your guidance counsellor, so, yes.

You sure?

I'm gonna go to class now.

Kay.

Umm.

Shit.

Attention students, we have a new

interim guidance counsellor with us.

His name is Roland Brown, and if you have

any problems go see him in room 205.

Thank you.

(school bell ringing)

Okay, that's that.

(chuckle)

You got the job?

Yes girls, I'm you're new guidance counsellor.

My name is Rolland Brown.

I'm not sure if you've noticed, but this is a bully-free zone.

Jabrielle: Bully-free zone.

Bully-free zone?

Are we in grade five?

Now, umm, what happened to your face?

Jabrielle: They don't make bandages for black people.

It's like they want us to cover up our cuts with your pink skin.

Umm, you can bully people anywhere else in this school,

but just not in the parameters of this office, okay?

Why are you so nervous?

Don't you two have a class to go to or something?

We don't go to class.

Do we Jabrielle?

No, school sucks.

Well if it's a waste of your time

why don't you just drop out?

Sorry?

Well drop out of school if its--

Aren't you supposed to tell us to stay in school?

I forgot. Umm. Stay in school, girls.

Do you even know what you're doing?

I know what I'm doing.

I'm going to be helping youth at this school.

I think you need some help yourself.

Come on Jab, let's go.

Your glasses are crooked.

Thank you.

Freak.

Oh, Mr. Brown.

Hi.

Did they kill you yet?

Who?

The kids?

Is that how the last guidance counsellor died?

No that's just an expression.

Oh.

You didn't bring a lunch?

No, I forgot.

So, what's your story?

What do you mean?

You're deal, what's your deal?

I don't have a deal.

Mr. Hal doesn't seem to think you're very heterosexual so...

Well I'm sorry to disappoint.

You're not on a low-carb diet are you?

(chips crunching)

(toilet flushing)

Hi, uhh, what are you doing in the boys' washroom?

This is the girls' washroom.

Oops.

What are you doing in the girls' washroom?

Oh, I was just eating a bag of chips.

Anyway, I'm gonna go to my office.

Hi, I was just leaving.

Sorry about that.

Bye.

(TV audience laughing)

TV Interviewer: Okay could you tell me if you

plan on getting married someday?

Um.

Yeah.

Well I guess.

Umm.

If we don't move or anything like that.

Interviewer: Would you like a private marriage?

Peter: Umm, no.

Interviewer: You'd like one with a lot of people?

Describe how your dream wedding would be.

Peter: Okay I want, like, everybody I know there.

Every single person like, her relatives, my relatives.

(bang)

David: Jesus Christ you scared me.

David, where's my cheque?

I actually just got a job.

I can give you my rent after I get my first pay cheque okay?

When's that gonna be?

In a couple of weeks.

Fourteen days.

One day late and I'm gonna throw your shit out myself.

Do you think we could maybe make it fifteen days.

Just in case?

Thirteen days.

Okay, you're really mean.

Do you know that?

(door slam)

Rhonda.

Mr. Brown.

Please call me Scott.

Scott.

I'm not just a gym teacher.

I have many interests.

I also write.

And by writing of course I mean sitting at my desk

and masturbating to internet porn.

Do you write at all?

Sometimes.

Perhaps we can write together some time.

I have to go.

Excuse me.

(tires screeching)

Get off the road!

Honey, it's fine.

Jesus Christ.

Please leave me alone.

I know what your problem is.

I can help you fix it.

I used to be like you.

You were a youth counsellor?

What are you talking about?

A wheel won't roll, without a bit of grease.

There's nothing wrong with my bike.

Excuse me--

I'm not talking about your bike, know what I mean?

No I've no idea what you're talking about.

Well you should.

Life gets a lot better when you grease your own wheels.

Ms. Simms: They don't wanna learn anymore like I did.

They all wanna get up and act,

and I just need to acquaint them with the basics,

like breathing into their anuses.

Mr. Schlitz: Did you hear about Brent Ward?

Simms: Uhh!

Looks like we have another student expellee.

Mrs. Schlitz: Mmm what happened?

Simms: He was caught selling marijuana on school property.

Mrs. Schlitz: D'uh!

Simms: Yeah, it was bound to happen sooner or later.

Seems like the population of

problem students is always expanding.

Well these things perpetuate themselves;

drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, teen pregnancy.

Yeah, and then we, the taxpayers, end up spending

the rest of our lives payin for their adolescent mistakes.

Mrs. Schlitz: Some of these kids are just hopeless.

(whispers) Fuck.

Mr. Schlitz: Remember when teenagers used to be normal?

Look, I gotta go to class.

No, going to class is bad for your self-esteem.

I'm not stupid.

You can't even spell Jab, you're dyslexic.

Just skip English class and smoke with me.

Take one.

Paintbrush is back in style.

Look.

There's our insane guidance counsellor.

What's he doing?

(muttering) I hate this school.

Fuck.

He's not that bad.

What do you have a crush on him or something?

No.

I swear, these fucking teachers.

I hate them.

David's voice: Some rules are meant to be broken.

I stand against injustice.

I can take charge, and change the world.

Hey Brenda.

Yeah I'm well.

I'm wondering if you can call in Rhonda?

She's kinda plain?

Oh you mean Rhonda Langdon.

Yes she is quite plain isn't she?

I would be happy to do that Mr. Brown.

Absolutely.

Thank you.

P.A. System: Would Rhonda Langdon

kindly report to the guidance office.

Rhonda Langdon, please report to the guidance office.

Thank you.

Hello Rhonda.

Hello.

So, if this is about me not joining prom committee.

Prom committee is for idiots.

Sit down.

I'm gonna show you something.

That's me.

I didn't have any friends so I made

one out of my mom's pantyhose.

And then I brought it to school.

I've never been that far-gone before.

I don't suggest making a friend out of your mom's pantyhose,

because you'll be labeled a freak.

I'll make a note of it.

As I guidance counsellor I should

encourage kids to be themselves right?

Guess so.

Yeah.

And I'd be a hypocrite if I weren't being

myself while giving advice right?

Yeah I guess...

Yeah.

I'm not your typical guidance counsellor.

I'm actually gonna help you.

You're not really into prom committee are you?

I mean, you look like you're wearing

the equivalent of a burlap sack.

Can you help me with my shyness?

It's with boys right?

I want a boyfriend but, I don't know how to...

You know.

What kind of boys do you like?

I'm attracted to dumb people.

I may have inherited it from my mom.

Or my dad.

You know it's hard to know who.

They're both idiots.

I have the exact same problem you have.

You like dumb guys?

No.

Straight as an arrow here.

Oh actually, I took archery at camp,

and arrows aren't straight.

They're pretty flexible and the bend a lot when their in flight.

Okay, I'm saying I'm shy.

Oh.

But you know what helps it?

What?

Self-medication.

Lets do a shot.

Okay...

You're gonna like this.

Starting something new is totally amazing and worthwhile.

Again.

Ah!

All right, for your next class, flirt with the dumbest boy.

Okay.

Thank you.

Bye Rhonda.

That is how you do it.

David: Rhonda.

He looks really dumb.

Yeah.

Hi.

Hi.

Could you help me knead this?

It's kind of hard.

Heh, yeah mine's kind of hard too.

Uhh, I'll see what I can do?

Thanks.

Maybe we should make it a bit wet.

Yeah okay.

I think it's working.

Yeah.

Feels good.

♪

Rhonda: Mr. Brown?

Mr. Brown!

Thank you!

I have a date!

His name is John.

He likes to play yuker.

He wants to work in politics.

He's so nice, and so dumb.

Oh, Rhonda.

Dumb politicians.

We don't need any more of those.

You just send him to me,

and I'll talk him out of that career choice.

Okay.

Have a good day.

David's voice: Every day is a new beginning.

My life is full of purpose and motivation.

Today, I put my full thrust in my inner-guidance.

I am so motivated that others get motivated,

just by being around me.

Everything I put my heart and mind into,

I can accomplish.

I am well loved.

People respect me.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Jeneane: Hi David,

this is Jeneane calling from Dr. Hawthorne's office.

We'd really like you to--

(beep)

David's voice: I create my own reality.

♪

Hey.

You again.

Yup.

How's life as a guidance counsellor?

You know, it's really amazing.

You really have to operate on their level

to get them to open up to you.

The strongest smokes I have?

Yes please.

And you know what?

While we're at it why don't we get some of these cupcakes?

You know, I'm off my diet.

I don't really care about anything anymore.

Oh I have to give you money don't I?

Sorry.

Forgetful these days.

Okay, you have a really good day.

Computer game: Great job Roland Brown.

Your nails are so beautiful.

Shut the door Jabrielle.

Hi girls.

How are you?

What happened to your glasses?

Oh I switched to contact lenses.

I have something for you.

What's this?

It's just a gift.

Okay, can we be honest with you?

I'll be honest, I don't like honesty.

Why?

Because everybody lies.

You need some serious help.

What'd you do with Rhonda?

Jabrielle let me talk.

Rhonda Langdon.

Uh huh.

The shyest girl in school.

Yes.

Asked out John McDonald.

Yes. Good for her.

Now she's getting banged left, right, and center,

and apparently it's all because of you.

No. I don't think so.

Rumour is you got her drunk.

Okay that was self-medication on her part.

I had nothing to do with it.

Grab a chair Jabrielle.

Do you see a fruit fly in here?

Grab a chair.

I think it followed me from my

apartment that's kind of embarrassing.

Have you ever had that?

When fruit flies follow you from place to place?

Jabrielle: Who's that?

That's my wife.

Or ex-wife.

This isn't your wife, this is a friggin cutout from a magazine.

Okay guys.

Kay fuck it.

Let's just do this okay?

This is a bully-free zone, but clearly we are breaking a rule

right now because you guys are bullies and you're bullying me.

One for you. One for you.

Oh we should cheers.

To bully-free zones.

Oh my god.

Oh.

Hi girls, whatcha doin?

We're just having a group session here.

That sounds fun.

Brenda: After lunch, I'm going to be sending

Brent Morgan to speak with you.

He's an angry young fellow.

And, and, I can't handle him anymore.

I'm gonna send him into you to do your magic.

David: Okay I agree.

Really?

Group session?

You make it sound so perverted.

Okay girls let's not be inappropriate.

Now finish your drinks before we get caught.

♪

♪

P.A. System: Just a reminder students,

while Principal Newman is away,

the rules still apply.

Smoking must be done off school property.

Thank you.

♪

This school...

can fuck itself with a rusty fucking pole.

You must be Brent.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Call me Ghost.

Have a seat...

Ghost.

They fuckin expelled me.

What did they fucking expel you for?

I dealt some pot on school property.

And they're expelling you for that?

Yeah.

And now what the fuck am I gonna do?

What're my parents gonna say?

They're gonna kick me out.

I tried to tell em that but no-one fucking listens to me.

Okay if I've learned anything from the teaching staff,

they're not very good fucking listeners.

Have a seat.

How much were you selling the pot for?

I just sold one gram, for twelve bucks.

You can charge way more for that you know?

Yo aren't you supposed to talk to me straight?

Hmm.

I have no money.

But I have this bottle of vodka.

With taxes it's about sixteen dollars.

So, why don't we trade?

One gram of your cheap pot, for this.

Are you serious?

Dead serious.

Sick!

Alright.

Amazing.

You know what?

The world is afraid of teenagers who know how to make money.

They're afraid of you guys.

Yeah.

Everyone's afraid of Ghost.

But I ain't afraid a no ghost.

Hah!

How are your grades?

They're mostly dominious.

Umm, I don't know what that means.

It just means I should be ashamed of them.

I think I can change your grades to match your intelligence.

I don't think I've been this high since the nineties.

There you are.

Oh god.

You've got terrible marks.

School doesn't challenge my intelligence so uh...

Why should I go?

Well do you think you might wanna switch

schools to a more challenging one?

What do you mean?

Well isn't there that smarty pants school down on Glen Road?

Yeah, the Glen Bard.

Glen Bard.

That's an advanced school, yeah.

There we are.

We're gonna call Glen Bard.

Go, go, go, go, go.

I'm dialing with the tip on a pencil.

I've always wanted to do that.

Uh, yes this is Roland Brown calling.

I'm the vice--

Oh no I'm not the vice principal.

I'm the guidance counsellor at Grissom High,

umm, and I'm calling about a transfer.

He needs to switch schools to a more

challenging academic situation as soon as possible.

Umm, yes he lives in the district.

Mhm.

9 a.m. tomorrow?

Yeah he can do that.

Thank you.

You have a really awesome day.

Okay thanks, bye.

Okay, if you want an education?

You show up there tomorrow, and impress them.

Dude, you know you're the first person who's

ever listened to me at this school.

How'd you get to be so sick?

Let's just say I exist in the space between

caring too much and not giving a fuck.

Fuck.

(laughing)

♪

David's voice: I am wonderful.

I am great.

I am perfect just the way I am.

Have you ever thought that like,

the apocalypse has already happened, and

we just exist in the mistakes that the past left behind.

Totally.

Don't be one of those people who was goth in high school and then

went normal and started doing yoga and drinking coconut water.

They're the worst.

People get all worked up because I'm not happy all the time but

it's like happy and sad are the exact same thing,

it's just filler until you get back to neutral.

I feel like we're Siamese twins.

You don't need to lose thirty pounds Megan, you're perfect.

No, I do.

I'm overweight.

Who the hell says that?

My doctor.

Okay, doctors are assholes.

They make tons of money off of delivering bad news.

The world doesn't need another teen girl on a diet.

The world needs more Rebels.

I think this world is really shitty,

and if you fit into it, that makes you shitty too.

You're seriously the most amazing person

I've ever met in my entire life.

Only been here a week.

Scott: I don't mind him.

He seems intriguing.

You mean you want to fuck him.

How are your grades?

I'm being considered for valedictorian.

The issue isn't my grades.

Apparently, it's my clothes.

They say I'm promiscuous.

They never call boys promiscuous.

The world doesn't like it when girls enjoy sex.

What if I like having sex?

Am I just supposed to pretend like I don't?

No, quite the opposite.

I think if you wanna be a slut, be a damn slut.

He's the strangest man I have ever met.

There's gotta be something wrong with him.

Students like him.

Simms: Oh, there's definitely something wrong with him.

He has more in common with the students than he does with us.

♪

I want you to be an inspiration

for all the other sluts out there,

and you can let them know, that they can be smart,

intelligent sluts just like you.

♪

♪

Do I look like Gozer from Ghostbusters to you?

Oh my god I couldn't place it.

Okay maybe make me more goth than Zuul.

Yeah I can do that.

You know, I feel like I'm finally coming into my own.

Right?

But, I don't mean auto-fellacio by that.

David: Let's cheers.

Mmm. This is really good!

So good!

You are so fucking cool.

You are fucking cool too.

Who wears two-tone hair?

What does he even do in his office all day?

Simms: Have you ever noticed how small and beady his eyes are?

That's a sign of very low intelligence.

He dresses like a ventriloquist dummy.

Yeah.

What is it with that corduroy suit?

That's exactly right.

I wonder what his home life is like.

(muffled voices from computer)

Hi, welcome to the talk show--

♪

♪

I don't feel pain.

Hey.

Hey!

I just wanted to say thanks for the bandage.

I'm actually working on another batch but obviously

I hope you don't need to use them.

Okay.

Come sit.

Well I just wanted to say a quick thanks--

No, come in, come in, come in, please talk to me.

Why do you drink so much?

I just think the world is better off

with people who like themselves in it.

And I just happen to like myself

a hell of a lot better when I'm drinking.

If you ask me, I don't call it drinking.

I call it making the world a better place.

I don't mean this as insulting but,

you don't fit in here do you?

I'm an embarrassment.

Why?

I'm dyslexic.

I used to be an actor, when I was a kid.

Do you have any idea what it's like to go for auditions and

everyone's confused cause you're reading the boy part.

So if you don't fit in here, take that as a compliment.

Dyslexia is not a big deal.

It's actually a gift.

You know a lot of successful people have it.

Like, Tom Cruise, Whoopi Goldberg, and Tracey Gold.

And she was also anorexic.

You're really strange and confusing.

Okay I know this might sound funny but

when I look at you it's like I'm looking in a mirror.

Really?

Yeah.

Except obviously I'm not, umm, you know, dyslexic.

(laughing)

Stay cool.

Stay cool Mr. Brown.

The greatest thing to ever happen to dyslexia,

is this little thing called spell check.

You gotta use that.

I don't have a computer but--

Oh take mine, I don't need it.

No it's a gift.

You're crazy.

I know I'm crazy, it doesn't matter.

Take the computer.

I'm going to class.

No-- You sure you don't want it?

It's got spell check on it.

You can borrow it any time.

(phone ringing)

Oh hi, I'm wondering if I can speak with a Denise Crane?

The mother of Jabrielle Crane.

Yup, I can hold.

Denise: Hello?

Uh, hi, this is Mr. Brown calling.

I'm the guidance counsellor at, uh, Grisson High,

and I'm calling about your daughter Jabrielle?

Shit, what has she done this time!?

Don't worry she'll get the appropriate punishment!

Uh, okay.

Um, she has some sort of bruise or a cut on her face.

I'm wondering if you could let me know how she got that?

Listen you mind your own business.

Okay you don't understand, she's done nothing wrong.

Yeah well that's a surprise.

Okay why do you say that?

She's an embarrassment.

Okay an embarrassment?

Like your on-the-phone charm is the pride of the family?

Bitch.

Cassandra: Hello?

Uhh, hi is this um, Cassandra Crane?

Yes.

Uh I have you down as a secondary contact for Jabrielle.

I'm the guidance counsellor at her high school.

Oh is she okay?

I'm not sure.

Tell her Auntie Cass misses her and she can come visit any time.

Can you let me know if things are okay at her home?

She needs to get out of that house.

Can I ask why?

There are problems there,

I can't really talk about it on the phone.

Is she okay?

Well you know us embarrassments,

we gotta look out for one another.

I'll be in touch if there's an issue,

but don't worry, she's in good hands.

Okay, bye.

Hello Mr. Brown, may I sit?

Actually, I'm only licensed to help

teenagers so I apologize but you're gonna have to go.

Oh.

I'm not here for your help.

And I think you know that.

I also don't need my wheels greased,

whatever that means.

Why are you here?

I was wondering if you'd like to meet me for dinner tonight?

Just a little chat.

Would you be buying?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Umm, would it include drinks?

Well I don't drink but, yeah of course.

Okay.

Kay, umm, I'm saying yes.

But it's only because, umm, I'm hungry.

Well I'm very aware of how hungry you are.

There's a reason why I asked you out for dinner.

I'm sorry, asked me out?

No, no, no, no.

This isn't a date.

I know what you are.

You must know it too.

You mind if we get two more of these,

as soon as possible, if you don't mind.

You're a very sexy man.

You could be taken advantage of.

No, if you don't mind, I prefer special.

You could be yourself you know.

You can have a lot of fun being yourself.

Actually, he doesn't drink, thank you.

I know I come on strong but don't let that intimidate ya.

You don't intimidate me at all.

You're a gym teacher.

I think I can help you become more comfortable with yourself.

I'm so sorry, but it's been driving me nuts all night,

you played Peter on Wacky Street didn't you?

I think you have me mixed up with somebody so...

Wacky Street?

It was my favourite show as a kid.

You're my favourite character.

I've never heard of it, I'm sorry.

We're good, if you can just--

Well that's crazy, cause you look like exactly

like the grown version of this child actor.

David: Nope, sorry, not me.

Thank you, if you don't mind.

Waitress: Yeah I'm so sorry.

Enjoy your date.

So...

You ever wanna talk or anything...

I don't wanna talk.

Well I don't either.

Nope, no, no.

Can you unlock the door please?

If you don't mind?

David.

Where are ya?

Are you peeing sitting down?

Ms. Kim would you mind?

I'm going to the bathroom.

Oh listen princess, I don't give a crap.

It's been thirteen days.

If I don't see a cheque in my mail box by noon

tomorrow I'm throwing your shit out on the lawn.

♪

David's voice: I practice forgiveness.

I choose to harmonize with positive energy in the universe.

I preserve my happiness with my thoughts and beliefs.

I respect my body.

I eliminate all of the failures in my life.

♪

Wacky Street.

Oh my god.

♪

♪

Oh, what the hell?

Get off the road!

Thank you for dinner last night

but I'm actually quite busy right now.

Hello, David.

Who's David?

Oh I know who you are.

I'm Roland Brown.

No, you're a sad, sad man,

and you need get some help.

My agent set this up.

This is just a preparation for a role.

I'm just doing some research.

Wow, I expected you to be a better actor.

Okay I'm not acting.

I should call the police, but I'll be honest,

I don't like cops.

Could you please leave my office?

I'm gonna let you come clean on your own,

and when Principal Newman comes back,

you need to tell him.

Okay, get out of my office.

You can be yourself, you know.

♪

♪

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Hi this is Ginny Gold calling you back.

You said you had some information about my brother.

Yeah, I do.

♪

♪

(sigh)

♪

Mr. Brown?

Mr. Brown?

Mr. Brown!

Oh my goodness are you okay?

Hi.

Newman is coming back this afternoon a day early.

I just wanted to give you some warning.

Oh god I gotta get my cheque.

I don't want that thank you.

Are you all right?

You know the gym teacher?

The gay one?

He's the worst.

I wouldn't know.

The teaching staff ignore me.

All adults are assholes, Brenda,

especially teachers, agents, and landlords.

Mr. Brown, are you sure you're okay.

Yeah I've never been better.

Hey baby where you goin?

Talk to me for a second.

You know I like a nice ghetto booty.

Motherfuck, hold on a second.

Jab, d'you need my help.

Hey fuck off faggot.

-You fuck. -Fuck off.

Oh my god!

Oh my goodness!

Stop!

Stop!

Mr. Brown, you're a superior.

You should know better.

He started it!

Oh my goodness!

You can not be fighting with a student.

That's not fair.

Brenda: Desmond!

Desmond stop it!

David: Don't spit on me.

Fuck you.

Roll away.

Oh my gosh.

Desmond, you're a jerk, you're a fucking bully.

Brenda: Language!

Get that camera away.

Piece of shit, you're a pig fucker.

Brenda: Oh my gosh.

Control yourself!

Roland!

Get off of him!

I didn't do anything!

Yeah right.

What are you doing here?

You're cut off.

What are you doing David?

Who are you?

And why are you calling him David?

He's my brother, and he's got some problems.

I don't have any problems.

They like me.

You guys like me right?

I made you a happy slut.

Don't walk away.

And, Rhonda.

You wanted a boyfriend.

You said you liked dumb guys, and now you're dating one.

You think I'm dumb?

No, you're the smartest guy I ever met.

Let's go.

She's lying.

You guys don't like me anymore, just cause my name's David?

What the hell happened while I was gone?

Hi Newman.

Umm, how was your vacation?

The police have been called.

Umm, kay, can I get my cheque?

Are you kidding?

I've been here working for two weeks.

This was not a volunteer position.

I worked very hard.

Here's a cheque made out to Roland Brown.

How are you planning to cash it, huh?

Did you even think that through?

Well, no.

Shut the front door David Gold!

Okay do you think we could stop "shutting the front door"

and get back to shutting the fuck up?

Who are you anyway?

Come on, hold it down.

What happened to you!?

We trusted you!

We gave you a chance!

We did!

Really!?

Newman!?

Oh my god!

Identity theft.

To go back to high school.

There's nothing more repulsive to a teenager than taking life

advice from someone who went to school to help teenagers.

They're all out of touch.

Kind of like you.

Being in touch with teenagers is not

something to be proud of as an adult.

You bought them alcohol.

You served it in the school.

You sold them weed!

No, no, no, no.

I did not sell them weed.

That was a fair trade.

Listen, everybody knows that teenagers

are gonna drink and smoke drugs.

If you do it with them, everybody has fun.

You are a very troubled man.

They're gonna arrest you.

No they won't.

Hey!

Newman: Brenda!

♪

(police sirens)

David's voice: All I feel is the warm optimism surrounding me.

Things are looking up.

What the--

This is-- This is my stuff.

This is my stuff!

(sigh)

Jesus.

I want your shit off my property by sundown.

You're really mean.

You know that?

Yes.

Fuck.

Shit.

(cars honking)

Angry driver: Get out of the middle of the road!

Jabrielle: I don't care!

Denise: You can't leave!

You can't pay rent!

Jabrielle: I hate you!

I'm leaving!

Denise: I swear to god!

You leave here, you don't come back!

I'm telling you right now!

(muffled yelling)

(fire crackling)

(fire crackling)

Hey, Mr. Brown?

Did you follow me?

It's cold, come under the blanket.

Thanks.

I ran away from home.

It was your mom, wasn't it?

That's why you're wearing the bandage.

Hey, thanks for having my back today.

No problem.

Desmond kicked my ass.

Are you okay?

I'm not gay by the way.

I don't even like penises.

Every time I look at mine

I think of a baby turtle wearing a beige turtleneck.

I just wanna cut it off.

The world would be a better place if penises weren't in it.

Just think about that.

Well, Mr. Brown, if we didn't have penises

then there wouldn't be any babies.

Exactly.

World peace.

When's the last time you used it?

I just peed on that tree over there about ten minutes ago.

No I mean like, really used it?

My aunt she won a juicer in a raffle once, and she hated it

because it took up too much space in her kitchen.

Then she used it.

Now all she drinks is carrot juice.

Maybe you just need to start loving your penis Mr. Brown.

When I was a kid and I had a bad day,

a slushy always made me feel better.

I miss the days when I could fix everything with a slushy.

We need slushies.

Jabrielle: Mr. Brown.

Mr. Brown.

Umm, how much money do you have?

David: I don't have any money, I'm homeless.

Oh, god.

What're we gonna do?

I don't know, but I'll do it with you.

No, no, no, you don't wanna come into my world.

It's a strange and confusing place.

You don't wanna be a part of it.

I don't have anywhere else to go.

You're the only one who listens to me.

Really?

Yeah.

You know come to think of it,

you're the only one who really listens to me too.

Then we should stick together.

It's pretty typical that the only one

who gets me is the dyslexic teenager.

I mean that in a spiritual way.

We need to get money.

Maybe we should like, rob a bank or something.

We can't rob a bank, you'll never graduate high school.

Well, we need the money.

If we're gonna steal,

I wanna rob something that's bad for the world.

Like what?

I don't know.

We need a car.

I think I know of the perfect car we could steal.

♪

What are you doing?

Oh god.

Hey Desmond.

What the hell are you doing?

You just wanna cause trouble don't you?

And that's what makes you happy?

And I wouldn't be doing my job as a guidance counsellor if I

didn't, like, attempt to make you happy would I?

What are you getting at?

Do you know how to hotwire a car?

Here we go.

You're really good at this Desmond.

I actually need to use that.

Sure.

Thanks.

Apologize to Jab.

For what?

What do you have to say to this guy?

You're an asshole, Desmond.

So?

Ow!

I'm sorry!

Mkay, perfect.

Fine.

(engine revving)

So why're you guys stealing a car?

It's none of your business.

Mr. Schlitz: Hey. Hey!

No!

Hey no!

Get out of my car!

Woah, woah, woah.

No, no, no, no, no!

No!

That's my car!

You know what,

Mr. and Mrs. Schlitz don't deserve a yellow car.

We deserve a yellow car.

(phone ringing)

Alisha: Where are you idiot?

You run away with your little boyfriend, Mr. Brown?

Bitch, what the fuck.

Whatever.

Hello?

Fucking dumbass, hello?

Did you just throw your phone out the window?

Yeah, I don't wanna talk to her anymore.

You're awesome.

I think I know of a place we can rob.

A tanning salon?

Yes, I'm gonna do this on my own okay?

You stay here.

Okay.

Okay, okay.

I'm not nervous, I'm not nervous.

Hi.

Can I help you?

Yeah, um.

I'm wondering if I could get

fifteen minutes in your express bed.

And if you could give me all the cash in your register?

Excuse me?

I'm hungry, and I need money.

What?

Um, I'm sorry, I'm nervous.

Listen, I ate the string off my hoodie last night,

and half of it's about to come out my butt.

I've had a bad couple of days.

That's disgusting.

Yeah, if I could--

Oh, you don't need to feel awkward,

we have plenty of African-American customers.

I'm Canadian.

Okay.

Jab, get back in the car I have this covered okay?

This is a hold-up, so..

This is a hold-up lady, I've got a gun!

You wanna see?

Come let's go, let's go.

A gun?

Hurry hurry.

As soon as you can.

More money.

Cashiere: Take it!

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Really sorry about this.

Thank you.

You have a really good day.

I love your tan.

Oh my god.

Shit.

Come on Mr. Brown.

(tires squealing)

♪

♪

News report: In what appears to be a robbery spree targeting

only tanning salons, police are seeking the

individuals seen in this surveillance video.

Anyone with information is asked to call Crime Foilers.

Dickhead for stealing my car.

I think it's kinda hot.

It's like we're curing stage three melanoma,

one robbery at a time.

I know, we're rich.

How much money do we have?

It's lookin like we have a thousand dollars.

Oh my god.

(phone ringing)

My phone's ringing, hold on a sec.

Hello?

Jeneane: Hi, this is Jenean from Dr. Hawthorne's office.

It's been a couple weeks since your last appointment.

Hello?

(hand slap)

Ah!

Sorry.

I like them when they're hard.

I'm not a very good guidance counsellor.

I'm peeing on the side of the road

while I'm on the lamb with a student.

Fuck.

Where are we going?

Everything in this room smells so good.

I just smell DNA.

It's disgusting.

Maybe you should chill with the drinking?

Says you?

I know you're not gay.

I mean, I never thought you were.

I'm sorry.

What's happening?

Oh no, no.

I'm your guidance counsellor.

I can't.

You're not really my guidance counsellor.

I know but can you just pretend?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I think-- I'm just gonna--

I'm just gonna walk it off.

(muttering) Idiot Jab, idiot.

Just messed everything up.

♪

One of the strangest local robbing sprees in recent memory

occurred today, when David Gold, a failed actor posing as a

guidance counsellor, along with a local high school student,

robbed a series of tanning salons.

The suspects started here at Sunny Beach tanning

salon, where they held an employee up at gunpoint.

What happened here?

Well it was terrifying they just barged in.

I was like "excuse me", and they had a gun--

The sister of David Gold is there anything

you want to say to him right now?

Yes there is, uh, David you are--

Alongside identity theft,

will charges of kidnapping be leveled against David--

Authorities say the suspect

wanted fame and notoriety.

According to sources, he's a psychologically disturbed,

pathologically immature man.

David's voice: I am comfortable with my power.

I use my power wisely.

I look forward to what life has in store for me.

It's easy for me to stand up for myself.

I have high self-esteem.

I am on my way to accomplishing all of my goals.

Morning.

Have you ever woken up in the morning

and all you wanna do is watch an episode of Kate and Allie,

and then you remember it's been off the air for thirty years.

What?

I hate those days.

Is everything okay Mr. Brown?

I'm sober.

Mr. Brown.

(fingers snapping)

Why aren't you saying anything.

Jabrielle, I actually want to help you, okay?

Well you already have.

Umm, where are we going?

We're making a right.

Yeah, well, the highway's that way.

The bus station?

Are we abandoning the car?

This is where you move on.

Mr. Brown.

I want you to make a deal with me.

You take this money, and you visit your aunt in Winnipeg.

I know it's not ours but...

No I'm an optimist.

I figure I'll go to prison, I'll see a doctor, I'll sober up,

and I'll probably end up having gay sex.

I'll let you know if I like it.

I want you to repeat after me okay?

Okay.

I love myself.

I love myself.

I'm gonna be a success, despite the odds.

I'm gonna be a success, despite the odds.

I have met all of my expectations.

I've met all of my expectations.

Get out of the car.

Get out of the car.

No, I mean get out of the car.

Go visit your aunt, she misses you.

Wait!

Take my computer.

It's got spell check on it.

Thanks Mr. Brown.

No problem.

Bye.

This is David Gold calling.

I'm the guidance counsellor.

I just want to make it clear that I kidnapped Jabrielle Crane

and I forced her to join me in the tanning salon robberies.

I've since released her and have no idea of her whereabouts,

but if you want to come and arrest me,

I'm at the convenience store at the corner of

Sutherland and McCray.

♪

♪

David's voice: I believe in myself.

If I don't fit into a imperfect world,

I allow myself to be imperfect.

I let go of my past and firmly root myself in the present.

I have flaws.

Success is a state of mind.

I am not who I thought I'd become, and that's okay.

I'm trying my best, and that' good enough.

I can be myself.

I am free.

The real me starts now.

♪

♪

Now I want you to repeat after me; I have power.

I have power.

I'm gonna be a success despite the odds.

I'm gonna be a success despite the odds.

I love myself.

I love myself.

Okay, you guys did a really good job.

I just wanna take this opportunity to let you know

that I'm massively attracted to the three of you right now,

and I can say that because I love myself.

I also want you to know that midnight express is one of my

favourite movies so if you ever wanna take a shower,

I've been practicing dropping the soap.

I consider my body to be a very spiritual place.

But I'm not very choosey about what goes in it.

We're gonna be really good friends, guys.

I'm in cell 2B, if you ever wanna...

You know.

Whatever.

♪

♪