Original subtitles

[? solemn sitar music playing]

[Mir Dar] Can't believe it's been 20 days without him.

Baba's not gone.

He just changed forms, and now he's with us as Baba-cat.

Okay. Can you please stop with this imaginary cat?

[Raj Dar] Imaginary?

I've been feeding Baba-cat, like, three times a day.

Right. He's so cute. He brought me a lizard the other day.

- Aw. - I know.

Mir, I don't wanna rush us, but I have to get to work

and I have a ton of wedding stuff to do.

Yeah, well, we all have things to do,

and Lucky's holding us up as usual.

I mean, who does she think she is? Dua Lipa?

Okay, I guess we can just start

and when Lucky gets here, she can just hop in.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Baba! [sobs]

Alright. Easy, buddy.

You okay, buddy?

[crying]

- Oh, that is a strong grip. - [Raj] He's squeezing.

- [Mir] Okay. - I'll take that.

Alright. I'm gonna let go, okay? You gotta let me go.

[Raj] Can I? My- Alright.

Thank you.

You good?

[? funky upbeat music playing]

[gunshots]

[bullet shells clinking]

Hey, hey, hey. What's up, brother?

Hey. I think these are broken.

[door bells chime]

- Hey! - Oh, gentlemen!

Wow. You two are the classiest customers we have ever had.

Can I interest you two fine fellows

in a three-pack of Ferrero Rocher?

[snaps fingers] No, thanks, bruv. We're here for some answers.

We're looking for our dear cousin.

Perhaps you know him. Hamza?

- [Mir yells] - [lamp shatters]

- [cleaver thuds] - Ooh.

Honestly, I've never heard that name before in my life.

- Uh, Hamz- Ow! - Hey!

- Did you see that? What the fuck? - [gun cocks]

Lying's a filthy habit, Mr. Dar.

I suggest you break it immediately,

or my brother Ifthikar here

will break every bone in your body.

Okay? Alright.

No need for any Brown-on-Brown violence here, guys.

We don't know your dear cousin Hamza.

[Zubair] All the boys in our family

are in a very active WhatsApp chain

and a few weeks ago, poof, not a word.

[Ifthikar] In his last message,

Hamza mentioned making a move for your throne.

And that if anything happened to him,

we should come calling about a bird named Lucky.

I-I'm sorry, I'm not following.

We've got Lucky.

- I have kids. - [Zubair grunts]

- [Lucky yelping] - [bone cracks]

[grunting]

Broke my fucking nose.

I understood that.

- Ow! - [Raj] Whoa!

What the fuck, man?

[? vintage Bollywood music plays on phone]

Text me back, Brianna. You know you want to.

[Mir] You did not want us to see that.

[Ifthikar clears throat, scrolling phone]

I told these English pricks Hamza is alive and well

and that you'll be able to find him by tonight.

So just agree to those terms

and don't do anything stupid.

6:00 p.m. at the docks with Hamza

- or she's dead. - Okay.

And if you try anything,

I'm chopping off your cock and shoving it up your ass.

[Mir whimpers]

- Ow! - Hey!

- [Mir] Why me every time? - [Raj] Oh, my God.

Goddammit! Why is Hamza still in our lives?!

I know. Even after you, like, killed him so, so hard.

Will you shut the fuck up?! We both killed him. Okay?

We're in over our goddamn heads here, Raj.

We need to think of something. We need an adult.

No fucking way.

Those guys are the meanest motherfucking dandies you'll ever see.

Besides, you don't even know where she is.

And if she did kill Hamza, as I suspect,

why should I help her?

- First of all, she didn't. - [scoffs]

And second of all, Ahmad Uncle, I mean, come on. Same team?

She just saved you from Mr. Lasagna.

Seriously, Ahmad Uncle, you're just gonna stand idly by

while they kill Lucky?

Yeah, actually. Sounds great.

Look, you guys have been doing pretty good,

much to my surprise.

And if we keep this up, we might actually end up

in the black soon.

You wanna jeopardize that for some mean lady?

- Hey! - Hey, man.

Come on. Yeah, she might call us idiot.

- O-o-o-or babies. - Dumbass.

Yeah, but she's the only family that we have left,

and we're not gonna leave her hanging like that.

- Yeah. - Well, like Drake says,

"I don't be givin' no fucks."

[Mir] What?

Drake?

Drake?

- Oh, my God. - What?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my- I know where she is.

- Where? - The white rope,

plush lining, six figure thread count.

She's at the Drake Plaza!

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

Back in the day in high school,

Baba used to book me these rooms over there

for my insane parties that I used to have.

Okay, hold on a second. You threw parties in high school?

Yeah. For special occasions.

You know, my birthday, Spring Equinox,

the 2012 SAG Awards,

the day I discovered Ketamine, and-

Why wasn't I ever invited?

Mir, we don't have time for this bullshit conversation.

Okay? We gotta go.

[elevator bell rings]

[? muzak playing]

I could probably scale the outside of the building.

I was a member at a bouldering gym for six weeks.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Check out the white lady at the front desk.

[indistinct chatter]

Honestly, bro.

We gotta stop objectifying women in public spaces.

No, no, no. Dude.

I'm saying she seems like the type of white

that can't tell Browns apart.

Oh!

I'm picking up what you're putting down.

Okay.

Okay. First things first.

We need to put on the face we normally do

when we talk to white strangers so we don't sketch them out

'cause we're Brown guys with facial hair.

Got it.

- [? muzak continues] - [chatter continues]

Alright, I'll take the lead 'cause as you know,

I do a killer London accent.

Okay, no. Your London accent is terrible.

I just act like it's good so you embarrass yourself.

[in British accent] Well, that's just bollocks, innit?

Me British accent is spot on, matey.

Okay, you sound like a fucking pirate. Let me handle this.

[normal] Fine.

[Mir chuckles]

[in British accent] Hello again, love.

- [clerk politely chuckles] - A silly thing, really.

Stepped out for high tea and I seem

to have misplaced my room key. [chuckles]

No problem.

You handsome gentlemen checked into

305 this morning, correct?

[in British accent] Any chance you've got another room on the same floor?

Actually, the adjacent room is open.

Shiver me timbers. We'll take it.

Charge the card on file there, Charlotte.

Okay. Brutal flight. Poor bloke is absolutely knackered. [chuckles]

[chuckles] Yeah.

Thank you.

- Cheerios. - [Charlotte chuckles]

You boys just wasting your day in here with me

when you could be having a proper Philly day.

Climbing the Rocky steps, eating a cheese steak,

topping it off with some tranq tourism.

[? tense music playing]

The clock is ticking, Lucky.

And as you know, standard bylaws demand

that we retrieve our men

or kill everyone linked to the offending party.

It's a tradition thing, innit?

Look, I understand.

It's actually refreshing

to be held captive by professionals.

- Cheers. - [glasses clink]

Mm.

Could I use the restroom?

I tend to over-hydrate when I'm being held hostage. [sighs]

Make it quick.

Did your ammi not teach you to respect a woman's privacy?

Astaghfirullah.

Fine. But I'll be listening very, very closely.

Did not take you as the type to get off on bathroom noises,

but not really one to kink shame.

[door closes]

[? pensive sitar music playing]

[Lucky gasping]

Come on, Lucky.

[panting]

You've gotten through worse than this.

[? tense tone plays]

You missed a spot.

Oh, sorry about that.

[softly] Shit breath.

That smart mouth just lost you

another week of shower privileges.

I'm Arshad Dar from ABC Deli.

Yep. Come on in.

Everything's unmarked and untraceable.

- You okay, beta? - My masi.

Don't worry about her.

Her pops flew her over from the motherland

to pay off a debt, so this is her job now.

Don't jobs usually involve getting paid in America?

Fire in her, but I'll stamp it out.

My friend could use her in his cat house in Detroit.

She'll be all used up by age 16.

[? pensive music playing]

[mocking] "I'll be listening very closely."

[normal] Yeah, you'll listening to the sound

of my stiletto till it's fucking your brain.

- [Zubair] What's that? - Oh, nothing.

Just have to coax my tinkle out when I'm scared.

[? pensive music continues]

[tapping sewing kit on counter]

Alright, look alive, bro. We can't let these Paki Blinders see us.

- [door opens] - Shit.

Grabbing a Frappuccino. You want one?

[Ifthikar] Frappuccino?

Um, hm...

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

Yeah, I think, I think I could go for a cup.

No! No!

Frappuccinos are basic as fuck. Go get La Colombe.

[? dramatic tabla music playing]

- [Raj grunts] - Get up, get up!

I could go for it.

?

Holy shit. That was close.

Oh. Lucky did not seem happy to see us.

That's because she didn't want us to come.

She specifically said, "Don't do anything, Stupid."

No, she said, "Don't do anything stupid."

This is not stupid. This is a smart plan.

This isn't even a plan at all, Raj.

What are we even doing here?

We'll come up with something, man.

We'll let my third eye guide us. It's gotten us this far.

[Mir] Oh, my God.

I need some fuel though. After all that puking.

Hero's Dose.

- [gulping] - [can crumples]

- [Raj retching] - [Mir screams]

[gasps]

- [Raj retches] - [Mir screams louder]

Yeah. That was gross.

Oh, this place is not cheap at all.

You know, I miss overpaying for shit.

- I'm gonna do it. - Yeah, do it.

Hello?

[in British accent] Uh, hello, love.

How are we?

[belches, sighs]

You think Baba did this kind of stuff?

Like real gangster stuff?

Yeah. Of course he did.

Okay. It makes me feel better about what we're doing.

There are infinite versions of this reality.

An endless stream of Rajs and Mirs

dealing with every possible iteration of this struggle.

[sighs] One wonders, do they head towards it...

or go to Tallahassee?

[sighs]

I'm gonna miss these little chats

when we're dead in an hour.

[Baba Dar] [echoing] Raj.

[? mystical music playing]

You're on the right path.

We're doing the right thing.

Baba just told me.

Oh, God.

I can't hear anything, Raj.

I wonder if they're hurting her?

I'm scared.

It's time.

Here's the plan.

[? thrilling music playing]

First, we'll call the maid and swipe her master key.

Next, I'll start fires in the hallway,

causing an evacuation.

- [alarm ringing] - And under the cover of smoke,

I'll bust in there and pull Lucky

- towards the service elevator... - [guests panicking]

[Raj] ...which I will open with the master key.

Then it's a straight shot to freedom.

[? thrilling music continues]

[? mystical music playing]

I miss you, Baba.

This is going down.

I'm going up.

[alarm ringing]

[silence]

Baba. Baba...

[Mir] There you are.

- Baba... - Raj, get up.

Raj, get up. Get up, get up, get up!

- Baba... - Come on. We gotta go. We gotta go.

Come on, come on. Get up, get up.

- Get up, we gotta go. [groans] - [Raj groans, whimpers]

[? tense music playing]

Oh, shit.

I told you to let me handle it.

Raj made me do it.

I did. I was super high.

You fuckin' scoundrels.

You killed him, didn't you?

Our dear psychotic cousin.

But now we get to avenge him.

- Oh, we live for the avenge. - Mm-hmm.

So, I'd say it's about time

- for the knives then, bruv. - [Zubair] Mm-hmm.

Knives? [laughs]

Come on. I thought you guys were professionals.

Such a messy way to go about it. There's so much blood.

There's so much potential evidence.

She's right.

Grab that fishing wire we picked at Walmart.

I got the knives all nice and polished and everything!

Am I speaking fucking Gujarati? I want a bloodless job.

Come here. Come here, bruv.

[Ifthikar and Zubair quietly arguing]

[Mir sighs deeply]

I know you're here because you wanted to save me.

Just like your Baba did.

I'll take this one.

That's 250. Bargain.

I make my real money selling girls.

- [punch thuds] - [arms dealer groans]

- Run! - [? dramatic tabla music playing]

- [operator] [on phone] 9-1-1. - There's a cache of illegal guns

at 2710 Shunk Street.

I have nowhere to go.

Do you know how to use a cash register?

I can learn.

[young Baba] What's your name?

Naveeda.

Ah. We can do better than that. [sighs]

[distant sirens wailing]

Look.

[? gentle sitar music playing]

[young Baba] [chuckles] Lucky.

That's what I'll call you.

[distant sirens continue]

Baba saved you?

I miss Baba so much.

- [softly] Me too. - I miss him too.

You know, I promised him that I would take care

of both of you.

[crying] I hope I'm doing a decent job.

- You are. - You are, Lucky Auntie.

We're all a little lost without him.

[Lucky sniffles]

If there's one thing we understand,

it's an untimely death.

We've buried many soldiers.

[Ifthikar] Clearly, our blood feuds are just

another external manifestation of unresolved trauma.

- [Lucky] Hmm. - [Zubair] Mm-hmm.

- That's so true. - Yeah.

- You know what? Run along. - Huh?

Go on. Run along. Before I change your mind.

- Hands up. - We can go?

- Before I change my mind. - Hands up, hands up.

- Okay. - Oh, my God.

Oh, here.

I got this. I got this.

- Thank you. - Alright, guys.

Just FYI, Hamza was a prick world's better off without.

Remember, he used to stab at us if we ate the last Jaffa Cake?

[mimics stabbing]

[all laughing]

- He would stab us. - Jaffa?

He was such a dick.

- [laughter] - He was! Oh, my God.

We tried to kill him so many times.

I'm glad I killed his ass. What a dumbass.

[? mystical music playing]

[echoing] You have to let me go, son.

- [Raj gasps] - Oh, God!

[Ifthikar] Let's start by gutting the little one.

- Oh, my God! - [Ifthikar screams]

[? dramatic tabla music playing]

[Mir/Raj] Damn!

[Ifthikar yells]

[screams] Oh, my God!

- [Ifthikar] Come on, then! - [Mir screaming]

- Lucky Auntie, can we trade? - [both scream]

- [? dramatic tabla music continues] - [all grunting]

[chomping]

- [Mir straining] - [Raj grunting]

- [Raj chomps leg] - Oh, fuck!

- [Raj growling] - [Ifthikar groaning]

[Lucky grunts]

- [Zubair grunts] - [Lucky growls]

- [Zubair straining] - [Lucky grunts]

[screams, cries]

- [? dramatic tabla music continues] - [both grunting]

[both yelp]

Oh, my God!

- Fuckin' raccoons! - [Mir yelps]

[bone cracks]

- [body thuds] - [Raj/Mir panting]

- [Lucky shouting in Hindi] - Is he dead?

- [Zubair grunts] - [Lucky groans]

No! [straining]

- [yells] - [Zubair screams, hits floor]

- [Lucky yelling] - [Zubair crying]

[Lucky/Zubair groaning]

- [bone cracks] - [knife clatters]

[Zubair groans, wheezes]

[groaning] Fuck! Fuck.

- [wheezing, groans] - [gun cocks]

You've won. You've won, alright?

You don't have to do this.

You go back to London, and you tell your organization

DarCo is back and we're done playing nice.

You step foot in Philly one more time

and I will rip your fucking throat out!

[Zubair groans and wheezes]

Go.

Go!

[Zubair] [groaning] Fuck.

Fuck. [wheezes]

How does it feel to pop your blood feud cherry?

Like I could run a 5K or piss myself.

You're like a serial killer now, man.

- You think so? Really? - Proud of you boys.

There it is.

FYI, Ahmad Uncle totally didn't help us.

- [Lucky] You went to Ahmad Uncle? - Yeah.

- Ow! - We didn't tell him anything!

We can't have one nice moment in this family!

- [car horns honking] - [insects chirping]

It's time that I accept you're gone...

even though it really hurts.

Love you, Baba.

[sighs]

[Mir] You good?

I'm good.

You good?

Yeah.

Baba would be proud of his sons today.

Yeah.

- To Baba. - To Baba.

[glasses clink]

[cat meows softly]

You threw up on me.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

- It was a lot! - I'll dry clean your clothes.

That was crazy.

[conversation continues, indistinct]

[engine rumbling]

[cat meows]

[? upbeat fusion rock music playing]

[engine revving]

[? "La Trampa" by Fumaca Preta playing]

[? singing in Spanish]

?

[? song ends]

[? fanfare playing]

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