Original subtitles

Thank you for coming.

I'm here with President Zel--

Volodym--

Zeddy--

President Ukraine,

we call him.

And I’ve stopped

a lot of wars,

the biggest,

and I'm gonna stop this.

If I may,

Mr. President,

this is not war of Russia

United States.

This is war of Russia

Ukraine.

And we must be at the table.

When Putin--

I'm gonna stop you there.

He's very nasty to Putin,

isn't he?

And Putin's a great guy.

But listen to him.

He’s very nasty.

And you should

be thankful.

You have to say thank you.

I did say thank you.

I thank American people.

But you didn't thank me.

And you have to thank me.

I thank American people.

You don't dress nice.

You don’t have a tie.

You dress like it's gym day,

quite frankly.

And it's rude.

You look like a millennial

going to Starbucks.

You got no

buttons.

It’s a little too comfortable.

You have to say thank you.

We have a thing in America

called manners.

Yes, I said thank--

Shut up!

You're a nasty man.

Shut up and use your manners.

I said thank you.

Shut up! You're rude.

No manners.

You have to say thank you.

When I met with Putin

I said thank you,

I said it beautifully.

I said,

thank you so much.

I said,

I love you.

And I shook his hand

and I bowed

and I licked his boot

and he said,

it’s not shiny enough.

And I said, thank you.

And I licked it again

and I made it so shiny,

I really did.

Yes, but I am not

bootlicker--

I’m not a bootlicker.

Too good to lick a boot.

And that's why you're losing,

quite frankly.

You don't have

the cards.

I'm not playing cards,

Mr. President.

This is war--

You’re not playing cards

‘cause you don't have the cards.

‘Cause I have the cards.

I have them right here.

Look.

Pick a card,

any card.

Mr. President, I don't want--

Don't be rude!

Pick a card!

Now, show them

the card.

And show me the card.

It's the Queen of Hearts.

That's not how you play.

Was that your card?

But Mr. President--

Was that your card or not?

Yes, it is card, but--

Then say thank you.

But it was not good trick.

You're rude.

You're playing with another

World War Two.

World War Two: Two.

Give that back

to me.

‘Cause it’s a Trump card.

Without us, you don’t

have any cards.

And you're rude.

And war is no place

for rudeness.

You can't deal with a madman

so I'm gonna go

deal with Putin

‘cause he's much easier

to get along with,

let me tell you.

I can't wait to

get back home

where it's not so,

how you say,

aggressive.