Original subtitles

[ soft acoustic country ]

Same thing. Every fucking morning.

- I heard that. - No, you didn't.

- No, you didn't. - Okay, here we go.

CROSSING GUARD: Hey, Sandy! What the hell?

Oh, Mom.

It's just the germs. They're your enemy.

Good luck on your test.

Like I need luck.

I'm sorry.

Have a great day.

And remember, own your own power.

You're a powerful little chicken nugget.

[ kids laugh ]

Sorry.

Don't forget to bring the DVD for my birthday.

I told Lizzie I'd bring it in for show and tell tomorrow.

Do I ever forget anything?

Just do it, okay, Mom?

[ school bell rings ]

♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother ♪

♪ I'm a singer, I'm a saint I do not feel ashamed ♪

♪ I'm your hell I'm your dream I'm nothing in between ♪

♪ You know you wouldn't want it any other way ♪

We have many famous guests. What have we here?

[ all guests cheering ]

So cute.

[ rapping ]

♪ You must try to ignore

♪ That it means more than that ♪

♪ What's love got to do, got to do-- ♪

Yeah, that's it.

Oh, Molly.

Molly Foster?

MOLLY: I love knowing Sandy's in the next room.

[ Sandy singing Tina Turner ]

FRANK: Oh. Come here. Molly.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yes, Molly.

SANDY: Oh, my God!

SADIE: Mom, I don't understand

SANDY: The city is the center of everything, guys.

It'll be a fresh start.

SADIE: Colin's dad said that only minorities

and venture capitalists live in the city.

SANDY: And now we do too.

[ hip hop music ]

SADIE: Are we gonna meet any transvestites?

FRANKIE: What's a transvestite?

SADIE: It's a person who has a penis and a vagina.

And they live in the city.

SANDY: That's not what it is, Sadie.

All right, guys. This is the place.

FRANKIE: I really have to pee.

SANDY: Can you hold it a little longer?

Welcome to New York City.

We're only here 'cause are parents are getting a divorce.

Not to sight see or see Phantom Of the Opera.

- Sadie-- - I've read about this.

It's fairly typical behavior for children of divorce, so.

How 'bout taking the bags?

Hey, mom. Check this out. We're writing our names.

Just give me some time.

Ugh, such a smart girl.

But she never graduated college.

But the French, she spoke it so beautifully.

She was from there.

She was a Finklestein.

It's hard not to love a Finklestein.

Anyway, I spoke to your cousin Ruth,

and she arranged a job interview with the Women's Center

where she used to work.

Get you out of your funk.

But I have a job at the coffee shop.

Oh, it's depressing, and you're a college graduate, Aram.

For crying out loud.

And you'll finally put that ladies studies major

of yours to good use.

It was a minor, Dad. And it's called sociology.

B.A. from Stanford,

M.A. in journalism from Northwestern.

You do realize that this is a fact checking job.

I've been raising two kids, and, well--

The truth is I'm getting divorced.

But I'm sure I'd be good at this because I'm very organized,

um, I love sports.

Well, not hockey so much.

You see, once the kids were born,

I decided to stay home for a while, which was okay.

'Cause, you know, babies take up a lot of time.

Oh, maybe you don't know.

Anyway, um, eventually they went to school.

And I started having more time on my hands.

And I compiled these stat books

and made up this graphing system.

Yeah.

[ clears throat ]

Take a look.

Just time and a great satellite TV package.

Aram Finklestein.

That's a Jewish name, right?

Mmm-hmm.

What are your feelings about women, Aram?

Are you kidding? I think they're great.

Up until recently,

I was planning on spending the rest of my life with a woman.

Not that I wouldn't want to spend it with a man,

I-- just this one experience with a woman,

not a man.

Um, kind of took away my faith

in, well, I guess everything.

Aram, I know you took some

women's studies courses in college,

but other than that,

do you have any kind of experience

that you think might've prepared you for this job?

Uh, I used to buy tampons for my mother.

You will fit in perfectly.

Yes.

You met a really hot French girl who needed a green card.

She was just so--

Hot.

- It wasn't that. - Sexy.

Something else.

She needed me.

Yes. To get a green card.

Oh, there's gotta be more meaning to it all than this.

You know, living at your parent's place isn't exactly

grabbing life by the balls, you know?

I'm saving up.

Dude, I hate to tell you this,

but you work in a coffee shop.

SADIE: Stop it.

Can I get you something?

Uh, yeah.

This ad says you have an apartment for rent?

Oh, yeah. The owner has a loft upstairs--

Which I would be happy to show you.

Sure.

[ whispers ] Milf.

I'm Mitchell. And this right here is Aram.

- What's Milf? - I don't know.

He's trying to figure out the meaning of life.

He also is a wonderful babysitter,

if you ever need one.

Just a peek at the apartment. Hey, little guys!

Mom, I do not wanna live here.

SADIE: I want my own room.

FRANK: How many more apartments do we have to look at?

I found an apartment.

Wow. You're fast.

It's not great, but my husband won't be there,

so that's a plus.

How are you so well adjusted?

All those years with the PTA. Had no other choice.

How's the job search?

I got one. Fact Checker at SNN.

Unbelievable.

You're almost fully healed.

Everybody says what a nightmare it is to get divorced.

No. This is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Trapped in some suburban hell.

Same thing day after day,

like a hamster in a wheel.

Focus deep. Let's ride to happiness!

All you need now to complete the healing is to get laid.

Oh, no. That's one thing I'm not ready for.

Look, I don't expect you to fall in love with this guy.

This guy? Oh, no. What've you done?

My chiropractor.

He fixed me after that whole elevator shaft thing.

Anyway, he smells great,

and he went to an ivy league college.

- Where? - UC Santa Barbara.

That's not ivy league.

Well, he's in great shape, he has a country house,

and I already told him all about you.

Wait, wait.

I think that's the kid who showed me the apartment.

The one who tried to kiss you?

No, no, no. He just works in the coffee shop right below.

Oh. Too bad. He's cute.

Yeah, like ten.

Nice ass, coffee boy!

[ Daphne laughs ]

Look, just go out with the chiropractor

and have a good time.

Maybe screw him. You know. If it seems right.

[ movie continues ]

Ow.

[ Yankee baseball broadcast ]

[ sighs ]

I'm fine.

There's this huge kid.

And he has, like, so much fat on him.

And he sat on me in gym class.

Then he told me he was changing my name to Pablo.

Frankie, that is terrible. Are you okay, sweetie?

It's Pablo. And yes, it was fun.

So listen--

- Uh oh. - What?

it's always something weird.

It's not weird.

It's just that I'm thinking about going on a date.

I think it'll be a positive step for me.

I just wanted to see how you guys would feel about it.

Are you gonna have sex with him?

That's an inappropriate question.

Eww!

Oh, god.

Hey, guys.

You know, if we're gonna live in the city,

we're gonna have to learn

to deal with this kind of stuff, okay?

So, just stick with me and be polite.

Let's go.

- Hi. - Hi.

[ all scream ]

Thanks for coming in on such short notice.

I wouldn't normally throw you in to this kind of situation--

- Hey, Sheila. - Hey, girl.

--without some training, but we're really in a bind.

Whatever I can do to help.

Great. Why don't you put your suit on

then meet me in the activities room.

My suit?

It's in the closet behind you. Try to hurry.

Self defense class starts exactly at 5:30.

Mom, why do we have to do this?

Because now that we live in New York

we're gonna meet all kinds of different people.

And we need to know how to deal with them.

Like the man with the penis?

So, you're walking down the street.

And all of the sudden you hear, [ whistles ]

Hey, mommy. Why don't you come over here

and sit on my face, eh?

Hey, kid. How'd you like to make a quick hundred bucks?

- Yeah, sure! - No, you don't, kid.

You don't want that money.

Self preservation in a city of predators.

That's what you will learn in here.

[ vinyl suit squeaks ]

Hi.

Oh! What--?

No words, perp. Unless they're scripted.

Begin scenario eight.

[ martial arts yell ]

Scenario three.

Hey, baby. That should be illegal.

Hi-ya!

Five.

Mrs. Sanchez, it appears you have a yeast infection.

And--

an unbelievable set of tits.

For our last exercise, I am going to demonstrate

what I call ocean of anger.

Hold on, because we are about to go deep.

All of us, as women,

And these reservoirs put together

form an ocean.

And this ocean is available for all of us to draw from.

It holds the collective power

of every woman who has ever been wrong.

An inappropriate sexual remark.

Being underpaid for a job you've done better than a man.

An ancestor who was a slave.

Or rice picker,

or simply low man on the totem pole.

who has cheated and lied to you, or you, or you.

Or you.

I'm a lesbian.

See me after class.

All of this anger is present in all of you

right now and always.

I need a volunteer.

Mom!

Come.

Mom, don't!

Mom.

You are going to call upon this history

and unleash the ocean of anger on our perp.

Can I just get a quick bathroom break?

Zip it, perp. Tell him to zip it.

Zip it, perp.

Again. Good. Louder.

Zip it, perp.

No tell him what you want to tell him.

Good. Good. Good.

You dirty, little, fucking scumbag!

For all eternity!

While the devil burns you with hot, jagged metal!

And suffocate you with molten fury!

Now, unleash!

Is there a safe word I should be aware of?

Ah, this is not what I--

[ yelling, grunting ]

I wish I was beating Frank!

It's okay.

Don't I know you?

I just-- I don't see how getting beat up

by a bunch of chicks everyday

is getting you closer to the meaning of life.

I'm helping people.

I'm contributing to the world.

Not like an actor.

What did you-- buddy, I reflect life back onto itself.

Okay? Thereby taking a mirror--

like a theater mirror.

Oh, god. Look at you.

My mom is sorry she beat you up so bad.

Thank you, Frankie.

Don't worry about it. Your mom didn't beat me up.

I've been going through a lot recently.

- Can I get a blueberry muffin? - Not right now, sweetheart.

I've been going through a lot recently.

I didn't realize how much it was affecting me.

Don't worry about it.

This is me just saying sorry.

- I picked it out. - I helped.

If you fell face first into it, you could die.

I was wondering if I could take you up on your offer.

To babysit.

If it still holds, that is.

I don't really-- I mean I haven't in a little while.

I figure that since they hired you at the women's center

you must be trustworthy.

I guess I could pop upstairs

someday after work for a couple hours.

Would Thursday work?

- She has a date. - Sadie--

With a big pimp.

And where do you learn this stuff, huh?

Olivia at school taught me.

- God. - Whatever happened to kickball?

Yeah. So would 7:00 be okay?

Oh, great. Thanks.

You, young man, are going to have some talking--

There are times when the lost must be found.

Then other times where the lost must find themselves.

Very well said, Rabbi.

It's not that he's a bad little boy.

Just misguided. Fallen in with the wrong crowd.

I only hang out with you and Dad.

And the battles are not only fought

on the battlefield, Roberta, but also in the soul.

My soul is fine. It's great.

So what does his future hold, Rabbi?

Mom, he's not a palm reader.

A new job is in order.

Calm his shpilkes.

Luckily, my cousin is a headhunter.

Are you interested in business, Aram?

- [ groans ] - Yes.

SANDY: Kids! Your babysitter's here.

Come say hello.

Sadie usually goes to bed a bit later than Frankie,

but due to her unscheduled emergency surgery,

she'll be going to bed the same time.

Oh, my God.

Are you sure I should be staying with her

after she just had surgery?

- This... - Oh!

... was her surgery.

I told you it was dead when I found it.

Yes, but I highly doubt its organs had been harvested.

Can I play Wii?

You're gonna be okay, right?

Yeah.

Truth is, I don't even know if I want to go on this date.

It's just my friend. She's kind of forcing me.

She think I need to get la--

Release some tension.

[ door buzzer ]

I look okay? Everything's in order?

Seems to be.

Keys. Okay. Bye, Frankie!

Bye!

Hey, Frank.

He also had some sub-cranial seizures as well as TMJ.

- Wow. - Yeah.

So what did you do?

I went right home and took out my skeleton.

Your skeleton?

It's not really-- it's not as weird as it sounds.

See, I have this bone replica skeleton

and I keep him at the house

This way I can put him into different positions

and see how they affect his bone structure.

It's a him?

Yes, it's a him.

Thought it'd be weirder if it was a her.

That way people might think I'm seeing somebody

and it might actually drive away.

Beautiful women like you.

I'm a mom.

Why did I say that?

It's okay, it's okay. It's all right. I know. Yes.

- I'm sorry. - Yes, it's true.

You are a mom.

And you are incredibly beautiful.

And you have excellent posture.

Excuse me for just a second.

[ door locks, seat goes down ]

Now you really haven't told me much about yourself.

[ softly ] Oh, my God.

Hello?

I'm here. I'm here.

Good. I thought I lost you for a second.

You from the city originally?

No. I-- I grew up just outside San Francisco.

That's a great town.

Do you have any hobbies?

Just take care of my kids.

Oh, no, no, no.

That's not a-- a hobby.

Oh, my God.

I used to like to windsurf.

Long board, short board?

Ocean? Lake? What?

[ loud grunt ]

I competed when I was younger.

Competitive windsurfing.

Now that's impressive.

[ zips ] So, uh... you.

You, you, you.

You are fascinating.

[ video game SFX ]

SADIE: So what's your normal job?

I work at the coffee shop.

I mean your real job.

That is my real job.

But you have a blow up suit too.

That was just once. I quit there.

Didn't you go to college?

Yes.

I hope I have a real job

by the time I'm your age.

Knockout!

Yeah! The Pablo Man has knocked you out!

I poned you!

We gonna have any fun tonight,

or are you gonna be one of those boring babysitters?

Hey, guys. It's me.

Um, I don't know why you're not picking up.

Uh-- anyway.

I hope everything's okay.

And, um, yeah. Okay, bye.

Yeah, um.

It's a new babysitter.

I know exactly what you need.

Really?

Yeah.

See, we all hold our tensions somewhere.

And just a little bit in your ass.

If you had as much experience as I've had,

you could tell just by the way people walk.

And even by the way they smile.

Oh.

No charge.

[ high-pitched squealing ]

[ growls ]

I don't know what to do!

I'm running!

Not my other arm! Please leave me one arm! Please!

[ high-pitched yelling ]

I would get claustrophobic wearing a human skin mask.

You couldn't even wear a mask last Halloween.

That's 'cause it was hot. And it smelled bad.

That was your breath, retard.

[ overlapping dialogue ]

It's 11:00.

Gotta get you to bed before your mom comes home.

Come on.

Tell us about "The Exorcist".

- I don't feel so good. - What?

Ugh. This chocolate bar's bigger than you.

If you're gonna throw up, can we do it before your mom gets home please?

Cool. Most grown ups, you mention throw up

I love throw up. Watch the chainsaw.

Eww. Do you love to eat throw up?

- Sadie. - What?

You're gonna freak him out. You'll get us all in trouble.

That's nice. Listen.

What?

with mustard and rotten milk.

Okay--

Just chewing on those intestines

and those little bones.

- Off to bed. Come on. - Yummy.

[ retches ]

Oh!

[ light hip-hop plays ]

[ softly ] Touch my cock.

SANDY: Stop the car!

You have a problem!

[ Sandy fumbling at door ]

Shit!

[ door opens ]

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Thanks for offering.

I'd love to touch it.

Taxi seems like the perfect place.

Hobbies? Ugh.

Salsa dancing and windsurfing.

Homemaking.

Oh, God.

How could this happen to me?

Do you ever wonder that?

How could I have floated so far

off the path I thought I was on?

I just thought maybe

And that's the big joke.

Well.

'Cause I-- I think the kids

could really use some continuity.

[ softly ] Shit.

I have no fucking money.

Can you believe that?

Can I pay you tomorrow?

It's no problem.

[ soft acoustic music ]

Hey. Look at you. Eating that croissant.

French chick must be fading, huh?

Don't change the music.

What, this? Oops.

What do you think about kids?

I think about making them all the time.

That's not what I'm talking about.

I don't know.

It's crazy.

- Aram! Aram! - Mom is dead!

- What? - Come on!

ARAM: She's not dead.

SADIE: Could be post mortem twitch.

Kids, fall back.

[ whispers ] Sandy? Sandy?

Sandy?

[ groans ]

It's morning.

[ soft groan ]

Oh, my God, I slept with the babysitter.

No, no. You didn't sleep with the babysitter.

We thought you were dead.

Okay. Wow.

Aram can take us to school 'cause we're already late.

Could you?

Sure.

Can you pick them up too?

Are those stat sheets ready yet?

Sandy?

You got a minute?

Sure.

- So, Sandy-- - Am I fired?

What? Why would you say that?

Because, uh--

I'm so hung over I guess.

I have two two kids and no husband.

Haven't had a real job since graduate school.

I'm so sorry.

Oh. please don't apologize.

I was really calling you in

to see if you wanted to write for me.

I find the guy's stuff gets boring and repetitive.

And I saw that stat book you put together.

Amazing. Clearly obsessive. Reminds me of me.

Do you do yoga?

I'm gonna take you sometime.

Well.

Oh. yeah.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Cool! What's your catch phrase gonna be?

I don't think it's going to be like that, Frankie.

I'm just going to be writing the basis of the stories

and she'll fill in the flavor.

- What about, "Suck it"? - Frankie--

- Why are you such an idiot? - It's just an idea.

It's really exciting though.

You could even get some air time.

I don't think so.

That'd be cool, mom.

You have the face for it.

That's a nice thing to say.

SADIE: You have the face for it.

[ kids make kissing noises ]

I'm-- I'm just saying that your mom has a face

that-- uh, that would look good on TV.

I'm very together.

I never miss taking my kids to school, picking them up.

You don't have to explain anything. I promise.

I know what it's like to go through a divorce.

Your parents divorced?

No, I am. Sort of.

What? You're so young.

When do you have the time?

It was short lived. Her name was Alise.

She left me for her brother.

He wasn't really her brother.

He was just posing as her brother

so he could be close to her

so she could use me to get a green card.

What?

That is horrible.

Yeah. It's pretty bad.

to finalize the divorce because if I do

then she'll get kicked out of the country.

Just be so cruel, you know?

God. Wish I could get my husband kicked out of the country.

It's that bad, huh?

Yeah.

I'm just so sorry.

this has been really hard for me.

And with a new job, there's going to be some longer hours,

and I was thinking maybe you'd be willing to help us out

on more of a full time basis.

A nanny?

You're not from Trinidad,

you're from the upper west side of Manhattan.

Did we send you to college for this? Harry?

You always said you just wanted me to be happy.

Within reason.

This is not how you contribute to the world.

Mom, you worked for Ralph Lauren.

People need clothes.

This family needs me.

- She just got divorced. - Oi.

And she got this great job,

and she needs someone that she can trust to take of these kids.

Mom, it's not like it's forever.

I'm going to be making money.

You're still going out on interviews for other jobs?

And in the meantime, you can keep this faktione.

- Aram Finklestein? - Yeah.

INSTRUCTOR: Deep breaths. We got one more.

WOMAN: Is there anything going on at home?

Anything you'd like to talk to us about?

We'd do anything to help.

Six team deal waiting for the ink to dry,

the Eastern Conference is on the verge of--

[ both laugh ]

It would be a commitment not just to the job,

but to the community of people that work here.

You're gonna get back whatever you put in.

Look at Yael over here.

It takes more than good memory to have good memories.

[ all laugh ]

I think this is a cheap restaurant.

MAN: I'm gonna try to get a job.

It's not the same thing.

You have to say the frickin' first to make it work.

It's much funnier with the frickin', right?

Yeah.

I'm gonna go outside and grab a smoke.

- Do not step on my punch line. - Ladies.

They smoke? What are they? From the stone age?

Please. You're so goddamn cocky.

You have to find something wrong with every guy, don't you?

Do you see how long it take the guy to order a bottle of wine?

His father owns a vineyard in Napa.

So he knows a lot about it.

Like he mentioned several hundred times.

He mentioned it once.

Oh, God.

Who is calling you? You don't have a life.

- Oh, my God! - What?

You have a thing for the nanny!

Oh, please.

Excuse me.

He's just telling me that my kids are asleep.

Right.

"Kids asleep. Frank took two-foot long poop.

We measured."

That's disgusting.

And I appreciate that.

He's very funny.

And besides, he's a lot more adult

than those guys you set me up with.

In a 24-year-old kind of way.

Let me see what you wrote.

- No. You're not. - Oh, come on.

"Set up monopoly."

Oh, this is pathetic.

- Seriously? - Yeah.

Wow.

Hey, come on over here.

I would love you to meet, uh, Sunshine and Cinnamon.

They're in my acting class.

Yep. They love talking and stuff, so.

Hey, try to be normal, all right?

Stay positive.

Sorry.

Aram, hey.

That's a weird name.

Thank you.

So, Mitch tells me you're divorced.

That's weird, huh?

It's kind of normal to me, you know.

It's my life, so I'm kind of used to it.

I guess if you--

I guess if you mean it's unusual, then yeah.

You've thought a lot about this.

I guess.

I love theories.

They make me a little horny.

I think I'm gonna go.

[ band plays light rock ]

Hi. Hey, it's me. What're you guys doing?

That was truly dreadful, Aram Finklestein.

Thought you were kind of a little pitchy in the beginning,

but dog, I mean, you pulled it together in the end, man.

Well, "Randy" liked me,

but I don't think I'm going through the next round.

I'm not going to be able to make it home for dinner tonight.

Yeah, no problem. I could feed the kids.

You may have to put them to bed too.

Gonna be a late one, huh?

Yes. A couple of the Vikings players

were charged with sexually assaulting a stripper.

I have to come up with something pithy for Laura to lead with.

Well, Vikings have been attacking people

in ships for centuries now.

Aram, that's perfect.

See you when I get home.

Sandy? You ready?

♪ Left a good job in the city

♪ Working for the man down in New Orleans ♪

[ door unlocks, opens ]

Uh, I'm sorry.

God.

I can't imagine there'd be many more days like this.

No problem. There's dinner for you on the table there.

Oh, thanks. You didn't have to do that.

Oh, just whipped up some stuff that I learned on Top Chef.

Oh.

The kids helped. Frank's pretty good.

Delicious. Wow. Wait, wait.

I have these two tickets for the fight on Saturday.

I thought that you might be able to use them.

Aren't the kids with their dad this weekend?

Yeah. Yeah.

And you don't wanna use these?

My girlfriend's not free

and I can't face another date.

So, take whoever you want.

Wow. That's really nice. Thanks.

Hey, I was wondering if you were free this weekend,

'cause I've got these tickets to the big fight.

RING ANNOUNCER: Tonight's main event

is for the New York State Heavyweight championship.

Come on!

Hook with the body!

SANDY: That's it!

Down and hook it!

[ overlapping cheers ]

Burn that liver!

No! That's not right!

ARAM: What is that?

Oh, come on.

Come on, ref!

I hate it when the ref does that, huh?

Why bother having a ref?

just let them bare knuckle it.

God.

I can't believe you weren't thinking about coming.

Oh. God, I could never be like this with Frank.

It was like I didn't even know if I was happy

when I was with him.

What makes people do that? Just coast along.

You know, the thing that really sticks for me,

is that I never got the chance to tell him how I felt.

He has this strange ability to--to--

to make me entirely lose my voice.

Like some superpower.

Crazy.

No-Voice Man. Steal Your Voice Man.

Quiet Man.

Doctor Silence.

That's a good one.

Hey, Aram, right?

Yael from Rockwell Mathis. I interviewed you.

Oh, hey, hey. How are you?

Dude, you're the only person who ever said no to us.

Most people would kill for that job.

Oh. Sorry about that.

Ringside at the fight doesn't look like you're doing too bad.

Let me know if you ever change your mind.

Thanks. Good to see you again.

It was just an entry level thing.

At Rockwell Mathis?

And you let that go to be my nanny?

That's idiotic.

Yeah. I thought so too for a minute.

But I wasn't really thinking clearly there

after Alise.

And suddenly I had this very clear thought in my head that--

What really matters are the people in my life.

You and your family were--

are some of those people that make me feel good.

Make my life good. Everyday.

That is the most wonderfully

unjaded, naive thing I've ever heard.

It's rare to find a guy who's such a romantic.

[ laughs ]

Come on. Come on!

[ all cheering ]

Put him away! Put him away!

SANDY: Nice!

Oh!

Okay.

Bright light.

I'm not tired.

Aram, you've gotta sleep this off, buddy.

I'm gonna put these here, okay?

I know.

I had fun tonight.

Yeah. Me too.

FRANK SR: Would you like it if I called you that?

It's not okay to call me that word, okay?

It's not a bad word though. It just means female dog.

Look, Frank, I'm gonna have a semantics debate, okay?

What're you doing here?

You know what it means. It's not okay top call me that.

Or anyone else for that matter.

You've been in the city a few months,

they're already totally corrupted.

- Dad's place sucks. - Yeah.

- Aram! - Guys, careful, careful.

Come on, you late night--

that's not gonna work.

- ARAM: Off to jail. - SADIE: Hey, guess what?

You wanna give me a million dollars?

We saw a dead deer on the side of the road.

Oooh, even better.

We wanted to touch it, but Dad wouldn't let us.

Oh, how mean.

You running a home for delinquent boys?

Well, the kids weren't here, so what's he doing here?

You have no rights in this house, okay?

I don't like the way this separation is going.

Oh, really?

Well, I'm loving the way it's going.

This is exactly how I envisioned my life.

Never noticed how weird this thing was.

- That's mine. - Hello.

What I wanna say-- it's gonna come out wrong--

I want you back. I want our life back.

Why are you doing this?

The truth is, I could've handled the kids,

I just wanted to see you.

You must miss me at least a little, huh?

I don't want you here, okay?

If you're good, I'll come back and do the grudge.

You could even work if you wanted to.

Part time.

There's so many things I wanted to say to you.

SANDY: I, um--

We're not gonna need you any more.

Unless you want to grab a bite to eat and he can sit.

Are you on an hourly?

I think Sandy had something that she wanted to say to you.

Didn't you?

Yeah.

I just want to tell you

about some feelings I've been having.

Um, you know.

Regarding you and your treatment of me.

and this is pretty much word for word

if I remember properly,

that you're a dirty, little fucking scumbag,

and I might be paraphrasing here,

but you should take your disease-riddled whore

and fuck her in hell for all eternity.

While the devil burns you with hot, jagged metal

and suffocates you with molten fury.

Molten fury. That's right.

Fuckin ' nut house.

And don't come begging to come back.

This was the last straw.

[ exhales ]

That was really-- really--

And by the way!

I never loved you!

And I'm changing our son's name to Pablo!

So I'll never have to be reminded of you!

MAN ON STREET: Okay.

You're off tomorrow. Come take me out.

MITCH: Dude! Back in the saddle!

Who's the unsuspecting lovely lady?

Yes. The thing you will be calling out in bed

when she's all up on you.

Sandy.

That's your bosses name, isn't it?

Wait a minute.

Are you gonna diddle your boss?

Oh, that's hot!

Oh, man. Oh wait, though. She's like 60 I thought.

She's 40.

She got, like, a hundred kids though.

ARAM: Two.

So when's this all going down?

Actually, tonight.

Dude, uh, tonight's my showcase.

Sent you a postcard about it.

Right.

No, it's just that she already hired another babysitter,

work's been really busy, so finding another time

would be virtually impossible.

You understand.

Hooligan Theatre Group Showcase Workshop.

Thank you.

You are about to see 46 of the most daring,

the most empathetic beings in this, our fair city,

offering to you performances from their favorite works

of stage and screen.

Please keep your seats throughout.

For there will be no intermission.

Thank you, and let the magic begin!

Stella!

Stella!

To be, or not to be,

that is the question.

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind

to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune

There's a mean, juicy-- juicy Beefsteak tomato.

I need an evening of vegetables--

There he is.

I had him in view.

I was peeling over the egg into a dive.

He saw me when I moved in for the kill.

There wasn't any danger...

Is that how you remember it...

Maverick?

Is this "Top Gun"?

I'm pretty sure.

They-- they are there for your safety.

You will obey them. Is that clear, Maverick!

Yes sir, perfectly clear.

I guess we-- I was just a little over enthusiastic.

I guess you were.

Dismissed!

Keep it simple and lie.

Hey! Oh, bro!

I'm so glad you made it.

Yeah. I made it.

I'm here.

Saw the whole thing.

Even your part.

Sweet.

We thought you were really great.

I loved your post-modern take on the whole thing.

It was creative how you acknowledged

how derivative it was.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Okay.

I told you guys. Huh? Huh?

You gotta go party with us!

[ all cheering ]

I guess in a tree house?

Outdoor shower.

Refrigerator.

In a refrigerator?

All over it.

In the display case at the coffee shop where I work.

You don't have to do that if you don't want.

The craziest place.

I have to say on a surfboard in the ocean.

This is some good shit.

That's real romantic.

[ loud hip hop music ]

Ah!

Aram, how are you?

Oh, mon dieu.I've been thinking so much about you.

Hi, Alise.

I-- I have regrets about, you know,

I found I have this problem.

I have this problem with sex

because I just use it to get what I want.

But, um--

[ inaudible dialogue ]

I would love to meet with you so we can--

so I can make some--

you know, some apologies to you.

Amends.

I'm really sorry.

You know what, I-- I should get going.

I don't want to keep my sister waiting.

Tell me about it.

FLAVOR FLAV: Wow. I mean,

the girls ain't even been in the house.

Owie, yeah. It's time for me now.

So?

It was long.

I know. I figured you went to a hotel or something.

Oh, please.

Honey, what's with your hair?

Okay, fine.

It was awkward and kid of tedious.

Did you just say, "kid of tedious?"

I mean, he's a kid and it was tedious.

It sounds like you didn't give him a chance.

Did you even kiss those young, supple lips?

We didn't get there.

We went to his friend's acting showcase

and to this after party at a loft.

Acting showcase?

But now I need a bath.

Thanks for babysitting.

Okay.

Sorry you couldn't get laid.

Shut up.

Tedious?

Just trying to get rid of her.

It was. It was. I'm sorry.

Oh, wait a minute.

Right now, don't go into much tongue.

That's specific.

[ soft music plays ]

That's gross.

- Oh, shit! - Oh, God!

Frank. What're you doing up?

No! Frank!

- No. - I would never do that.

Okay. Are you sleeping over?

- No. - No. No?

Don't forget your pants.

Does that mean you and mom are gonna have a baby?

No.

I don't get it. You said that "spern" makes a baby.

Can we stop talking about this please, okay?

I like your mother, and I think she likes me,

And that's all that's important.

And you also work for her.

Who's turn is it?

Okay, come on, Frankie.

Let's get off the doughnut.

How is that possible?

So, you like Mom.

Are you two gonna date now?

ARAM: I don't know.

SADIE: You don't really know anything, do you?

I mean, she's kind of your girlfriend.

Yeah, and what will we call you?

Jesus, I'm not being nominated to Supreme Court here, guys.

I just had sex with your mother.

And when I say sex, I mean that I gave her a nice massage.

With sperm.

Oh, you conniving little liar.

What, was he hiding in the hall?

Oh, my God. He was.

It sounds so dirty.

Okay, it's a little dirty.

[ both laugh ]

Well. Well you got that out of your system.

Now you're free to meet your next real guy.

It means now when you meet a viable man,

he won't have to be a rebound.

'Cause your nanny was your rebound.

It gives you pleasure to say that, doesn't it?

[ cackles ]

I'm not sure I buy into the rebound thing.

Oh, wait. You're gonna date the nanny?

Was having a one-night stand with a nanny more dignified?

No, just more practical.

I guess.

Wait a minute.

You actually have feelings for this kid?

Feelings? I have feelings for everyone.

That's the way the world works.

Oh, god. You're in serious justification mode.

Why do you have to be so cynical?

This is not about judgment, this is about my friend.

It's about me not wanting to see you get hurt.

- Happy birthday! - Thank you.

Are you one, are you two, are you three, are you four,

are you five, are you six--

ARAM: Need anything?

No.

Stop it.

Harry.

No.

They're going to give me a new asshole.

There are children here.

- Cool! Like from a dead guy? - Sadie--

I think they're gonna just fashion one out of something.

Hopefully something elastic.

Awesome.

Excuse me.

This is so... weird.

My dad telling you about his surgery?

Yeah. I didn't know they could even do that.

You look really pretty.

Ah, no, no, no.

Were in your parents' house.

I know.

Where is everybody?

Uh-huh. It's just a little red, but I don't think it's strep.

- Oh, good. - Uh-huh.

Cake time.

Aram, this one is just from me.

Gummi Bears and hand lotion. Thanks, Dad.

Here. Oh.

Please, open your mother's.

No, no. He'll open yours.

You're his mother.

Well, you're his employer. I insist.

You're gonna love it.

It's not fake poop, is it?

- No. - That's for Christmas.

Uh. Now, Christmas?

What do we got here?

Gotta get you up there next time.

I don't think so.

This is great. Thank you so much.

- Welcome. - This is perfect.

Mmm-hmm.

Thanks, Mom.

That one's just from me.

It's so nice.

My grandmother gave that to my father,

and now I think it's time for you to have that.

Mom.

And the message applies all these years later.

A mother's love can never be replaced.

[ both ] Never.

Thanks, Mom.

Yes, darling.

It's antique.

Oh, that's cool.

It's beautiful.

Oh, what's the chances?

60/40.

60/40, huh?

Oh, well. Which direction?

Well, at least you're learning your percentages.

Get these off.

Sing me a song.

Sing me a song, or I'll throw up on you.

When you put it that way.

Let's see.

Let me reach into my repertoire here.

♪ Baby, we can't solve any problems ♪

♪ Why we losin' all these tears ♪

♪ Oh, and so you go again ♪

♪ When the leading man appears ♪

♪ Always the same thing

♪ Can't you see

♪ We've got everything goin' on and on and on ♪

♪ Every time you go away

♪ With you

Throw up averted.

Stay tonight.

[ restaurant chatter ]

LAURA: Are we sure this guy is real?

I mean, has anybody met him?

He has no time to meet us. He has high school.

And all that homework. Isn't he on the baseball team?

He's just running a little late.

Well he's definitely responsible for an attitude change.

Because you are-- well you just can't stop smiling.

She's glowing.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Babysitter needed to be walked through everything.

Hi.

- Hi. - I'm Aram.

SANDY: I'm sorry.

This is Aram.

I'll actually have some wine.

So, Aram, I've heard a lot about you.

I hope all good things.

That you're a wunderkind with the children,

that you're a great cook,

that you were born in 1983.

Oh, Jesus, I was pregnant in 1983.

Let's just go on and get it out on the table.

Get it out in the open so we can enjoy our dinner.

Yes, I was born in the early '80s.

She also told me that you're very handsome

and that seems to be true.

Look, I think it's great that you guys are together.

In the words of the Bard, "The heart wants what it wants."

Oh, god. You are so gay.

Sir, are you ready?

Uh, I can be.

- Scott, right? - Uh, huh.

I'm just kidding. I'm only 25. I don't need reading glasses.

Oooh!

Touche.

Don't you want to travel around the world?

You know, get crazy. Rock Cleveland.

Do things that people your age are supposed to do?

Rock Cleveland?

Yeah! Rock it.

You know what I mean. Live.

To tell you the truth, this is the most alive I've ever felt.

I hate to be so goddamn romantic.

What about kids? Kids of your own?

But I'm an old 40.

The hell does that mean?

Wrinkly.

You have no wrinkles on your face. Do you?

You seem to have eyes.

Something that I really love about you.

I love you.

And when you compliment me.

I love it when you compliment me.

You know, I heard you the first time.

I have no idea what you're referring to.

I didn't say that.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure you did.

And I love you too.

Really?

Sorry, but I do.

Let's just take it slowly.

Slowly.

Terrell Owens, the man with more baggage

than a first class passenger on the Titanic.

Reaching, but funny.

T.O., the Pig Pen of the National Football League,

wherever he goes, he's surrounded by the stink

of controversy.

Oh. I like it.

All that sex really agrees with your creative side,

but honey, are you okay?

Are you all right, sweetheart? You look pale.

All right.

Well get that to me, please, right away. Thanks.

All right.

It helps me think.

We should talk.

You think the books that I read are too juvenile.

I know, it's just, I've always liked this stuff.

I'm pregnant.

But-- I pull out most of the time.

I know you're not ready for this.

Just know that I know that.

I'd feel the same way if I were you.

Wow. I just thought that we'd--

that you wanted to take things slowly.

I did.

This is... big.

We should've been more careful.

I know this sounds crazy--

I don't blame you.

But I think I wanted this to happen.

What?

You said it yourself. You don't want to just coast.

Just coast along. This isn't coasting.

This is-- this is roller coasting.

God.

No, not oh, God.

This is-- this is a good thing.

Not the roller coasting thing.

That was-- that was cheesy.

But-- but, having a baby with you. That's not cheesy.

I mean-- that's not what I'm saying.

Just excited.

I wanna be your father.

- What? - I wanna be a fa--

I wanna be a father with you as the mother.

That's the important part. You being a mother.

You know, I hope the kid is like you.

I hope the kid is like you.

Or just any color eyes.

Well, eyes in a baby's head. Not just eyes.

What about Guillaume?

For a boy, obviously.

Guillaume Finklestein?

Point taken.

Okay. The doctor will see you now.

Okay, so.

So.

The blood work is normal.

In other words, you are healthy,

for future pregnancies.

What do you mean future?

I mean, this here is what we call and ectopic pregnancy.

There are any number of explanations for this.

It's not necessarily because of your age.

This is something that happens periodically.

An embryo is formed,

but it takes root inside the Fallopian tube

instead of the uterus.

[ voice fades ] This doesn't mean you can't have children again.

Sandy.

This was crazy!

You are so young.

God. You live at your parent's house,

and I was thinking about having your baby?

What is going on?

Do you have to know?

That is a deceivingly mature thing to say.

Why is it deceiving?

Because you're 25 years old.

You get drunk off half a beer.

And you read the Harry Potter series in your spare time.

A lot of adults read those books.

Besides, the way I remember it,

you were the one that asked me out.

I appreciate that you feel this could work.

You are such a good person.

I mean, not filing for divorce

so your horrible ex-wife can get a green card?

- What would be the point? - See, that's what I mean.

An old girlfriend with two kids.

You're an ageist.

Oh, please don't patronize me.

You know, I may live with my parents,

and get drunk off of half a beer,

and, yeah, I admit to being slightly adrift

thus far in my life,

but I'm not a complete idiot.

I know how I feel about you.

It's you who doesn't know how they feel about me.

I just wish you had the guts to say it.

You've meant so much to me and my family.

But this doesn't make sense.

I mean, what future could we possibly have?

[ sobs ]

Know what I'm going to miss the most?

You.

Your friendship.

Are you going to be gone a long time?

No. You'll see me soon.

Think about all the fun things we did--

[ overlapping dialogue ]

We need some fresh blood for our company softball team.

I saw there in your resume... [ dialogue fades ]

[ background chatter ]

[ inaudible dialogue ]

Come on, please. Come on, please.

I'm from Istanbul.

[ dialogue fades ]

You know it's not going to go out.

[ all cheering ]

[ singing, chanting ]

[ no audible dialogue ]

[ cheering ]

... the class of 2012, Sadie Paget.

And Sadie also received the award for Best Science Project.

[ background chatter ]

E is for Elephant.

[ class ] E is for Elephant.

LAURA: As we sign off from this, our 10,000th episode,

we need to say a special thanks to you

I'm Laura Riley.

And I'm Scott Reynolds. TMI coming at you next.

[ theme music plays ]

Hello, hello?

Hello, people.

Our illustrious leader, Ken Gordon,

has an announcement to make.

Although change can be painful,

A necessary step in the evolution of a company.

A family, like ours--

ARAM: From the beginning of time, all the way to today,

there are certain things that you'll always find.

Now if you look at the pictures,

can anyone see what they all have in common?

Liv?

There are people in all of them.

Exactly. Great answer.

So almost everywhere you go in the world,

you're gonna find these little communities of people.

Just like you guys. You guys are a community.

Your class, your family.

I just came back from Mozambique.

Okay.

BOY: I've been to the Nantucket Film Festival.

[ all kids talking ]

Aram.

You're the only one who gets gifts from the kids

at the end of every tour.

That's probably because they're so excited the tour is over.

It's good to see you.

I was gonna go get a drink. You wanna join me?

have plans already.

I do.

You're impossible.

[ laughs ]

See you tomorrow.

LAURA: Here's to your mother.

The newest and undoubtedly most qualified

anchor at the network.

Very deserved.

Thank you.

Congratulations, Mom.

- Thanks. - Yeah, Mom.

I know your own show is a big step up

but, I'm gonna miss you.

Oh, I will be one studio over.

And I'll come and guest anchor with you.

All girls. I don't think they've done that yet.

I'm gonna hold you to that.

All right.

I need to use the ladies room.

Then we can stuff our faces.

So let's see.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Hi.

Wow.

[ both ] How are you?

You first.

I'm good. Yeah. Good.

Kids are great. I just got promoted.

I'm gonna start anchoring.

I've watched you on TV. You're fantastic.

If that's any surprise.

You look really good.

I'm 30.

I'm sorry about, you know--

No. Don't even.

It's just timing.

Yeah.

I traveled around the world.

Never rocked Cleveland,

but some pretty amazing things happened to me.

Dad, I told you I could do it myself.

I knew you could do it yourself.

I bumped into a friend of mine.

Sandy, I want you to meet my son, Zeke.

Met him in Bangladesh,

and we kind of fell in love with each other.

Took a couple years, but I'm his Dad.

Hi.

Hi, I'm Zeke Finklestein.

You are, huh? I'm Sandy.

Nice to meet you too.

It's hard to find someone who's good enough for us.

Right?

And what about you? Boyfriend?

Mmm, dating wasn't my thing, I've discovered.

That's too bad.

Would you like to join us?

- They talk about you a lot. - I'm with my parents.

You had me so worried. Did you fall in?

I thought you fell in!

Mom, you remember Sandy.

- Hey. - How could I forget?

You talk about her every day.

I was just saying to Aram, if he wants to join us--

Oh, are you kidding? Oh, we would love to.

We would love to. Oh, come with me.

Harry! Get up!

- We're moving! - What? I didn't do anything.

I didn't say you did anything, I said we're moving tables.

- Moving tables? - Yes.

Look how huge you are!

You, you look like you're 13.

- I am. - What?

I want you guys to meet someone.

This is my son, Zeke.

- You wanna play Gameboy? - Yeah, go ahead.

Take a seat. He'll teach you.

HARRY: Nice to see you. It's been years.

Yeah.

We all get older and you stay the same.

- Hello. - Hi.

You remember us, Sadie? You came to our house?

HARRY: They're a group.

They're already a group.

[ overlapping conversation ]

["Every time You Go Away" plays]

[ overlapping conversation ]

Closed Captions provided by Digital Post Services