Original subtitles

Germanicus is dead.

Hail, the great-grandfather of Germanicus.

Hail Julius Caesar.

Now a god.

Hail, the grandfather of Germanicus.

Augustus Caesar.

Now a god.

Behold the ashes of Germanicus.

Murdered!

So cruelly taken from us.

The noblest of the Romans

Hail, the father of Germanicus.

Hail, Tiberius Caesar!

Who killed Germanicus?

Emperor of Rome!

Tiberius!

He's going to kill me...

You are safe. You are with me.

He's going to kill us.

Just the way he killed our father, and mother, his brothers.

I am not going to die.

You won't.

You are his heir.

There is no one else.

Yes.

There's Gemellus

and Claudius.

Gemellus is too young.

Claudius is an idiot

and Tiberius is old.

You will be Emperor... soon.

And you will be my queen.

You can't marry your sister.

You can in Egypt.

But we are in Rome.

And you are already promised.

I know,

to Ennia.

Remember,

Macro does command the Praetorian Guard.

It's only a bird.

What's it like with your husband?

What's what like?

He is so fat.

He's disgusting.

He is not.

Just large.

But tiny where it counts.

How do you know?

I saw him in the baths.

Poor, poor Drusilla.

You are vile.

Password?

Justice.

Prince.

Forgive me, Prince.

I'm not interrupting, am I?

Only my dreams.

Pleasant dreams?

News from Capri?

The Emperor commands you to wait upon him.

We sail at first light of day.

What does he want?

A last look at you perhaps.

He is 77.

May he live forever.

How is Ennia?

In love.

In hell then as the poet says.

My wife won't be happy until she sees you in Capri.

Wait outside!

What does this all mean?

Take care of yourself.

Pray to Isis for me.

Nerva, dear friend.

Ten years is a long time for the Emperor to be hidden away.

I would feel a great deal happier if he left for Rome, where he belongs.

Tell me, how is the Emperor?

Old, like me.

I mean, How's his mood?

Like the weather.

The weather is good, today.

Changeable.

I'm told that during the last month,

seven of my colleagues in the Senate have been put to death, for treason.

Nine, to be exact.

And five of them cheated.

They killed themselves.

That wasn't playing fair.

Don't you agree, Nerva?

They were all good men.

If they were good men,

how could their beloved Emperor find them guilty?

You have a gift for logic, Prince.

Caligula!

Great Caesar!

Beloved grandfather.

Do your dance, boy.

My dance?

Yes.

The one you delighted the army with when your father made you

it's mascot.

Come, Little Boots.

I've forgotten it, Lord.

Dance for me.

Delight me.

Dance!!

All right. Come in, all of you.

All right, stop that!

Do you love Me?

Yes, Caesar.

Why do you say such monstrous things about me in Rome?

But I don't, Caesar. Ever!

I hear that you often pray devoutedly for my death.

By heavens, Caesar, I swear I do not.

You do not?

- In public? - Never, Lord.

Remember this,

that I have let you live

until now.

My little fishies love me.

Innocence, you see.

I protect that innocence.

It's all I can do. For it is a foul world.

Out of here!

Nerva's scowling at us.

Nerva, my friend!

Nerva, help me convert this

young barbarian into a Roman Caesar.

There have been three Roman Caesars.

Julius, Augustus and yourself.

Which do you want him to be?

The best.

That would be your father, Augustus.

You see, Caligula, I'm insulted to my face.

Nerva, dear friend.

When I die,

watch out for Macro.

I know he hates me.

Because you are good

because you are wise.

Therefore,

when I am gone,

watch out for Macro.

I have taken my precautions, Caesar.

Heaven help Rome

when I die!

I am old.

You will live forever, Lord.

All my family are dead,

except you and me,

that child, Gemellus, and that boy, Claudius.

All the others struck down by fate.

And it is fate, Little Boots,

that rules us, not any god.

You are a god, Caesar.

No, I'm not!

Not even when I am dead.

Julius Caesar and Augustus Caesar,

they are gods.

So say the Senate, and so the people prefer to believe it.

Those myths are useful.

Little Boots,

look at you.

I am nursing a viper in Rome's bosom.

Wine!

Do you think this boy

has been drinking?

I think he's been drinking, Caesar.

So do I.

- Macro. - Yes Lord?

Give him more wine and waste none.

The laces on your boots,

quick.

And what do they say of me in Rome?

They miss you, Lord.

And they need you.

I have given most of my life to the Roman people.

I fought!

Aren't they lovely?

Yes Lord.

The satyrs are from Iliria.

And... this nymph is from... from where?

From Britain, Lord.

Britain.

Thinking statues!

And they can do as well as think.

Do you like nymphs or satyrs?

I like both.

One needs both,

they keep you healthy.

Rome is a republic, Caligula, and you and I are plain citizens.

More conviction!

Serve the State, Caligula,

although the people in it are wicked beasts..

But they love you, Lord.

No. They hate me. And they fear me...

Which is much better.

There was no choice, you know.

There was no choice.

No choice?

All I wanted was a private life.

I did not truly want to become Emperor, but I had to.

Had to?

If someone else had become Emperor, I would have been killed.

As you will be.

Will be gra...?

Will be, grandfather?

Would be if you were not my heir.

When Rome was just a city and we were just citizens,

known to one another, why we

were good, frugal, disciplined and dignified.

We had to be.

Then we conquered the Earth.

Amazing, isn't it?

Both boy and girl.

Fortunate creature.

It cost me a fortune.

We found the world to be wealthy

so we plundered it and lost our true character.

The Romans I rule are not what they were.

They lust.

They lust for pleasure, power,

money, other men's wives.

Yes.

I am a true moralist

and stern as any Cato.

Fate chose me to govern swine.

In my old age I have become a swineherd.

Do you think this boy has drunk enough wine?

I think he's had enough, my lord.

So do I.

Now he is happy.

Homer. You would not know that?

You were educated in army caps only.

But you will know enough to be a swineherd.

The revised list of candidates for the Equestrian Order.

I, Tiberius Caesar, command in the name of the Senate and the people of Rome...

Tax assessment for Asia Minor...

I, Tiberius Caesar, command in the name of the Senate and the people of Rome...

Senators guilty of treason.

Every Senator believes himself to be a potential Caesar.

Therefore, every Senator is guilty of treason.

In thought, if not in deed.

The Senate is the natural enemy

of any Caesar, Little Boots.

Traitors.

They offered to approve

any law I made before I made it.

"What if I went mad?" I said. "So what?".

There was no answer.

They were born to be slaves, Little Boots.

Never forget that.

Germanicus.

Remember,

born to be slaves.

- Never forget that! - Lord.

I'm not Germanicus.

I am his son, Caligula.

Yes.

And your friend is Macro.

He serves you and only you, Lord.

And his wife is your friend.

Is she friendly in bed?

We must ask Macro, Lord.

She seems friendly.

And Drusilla, your sister?

My sister is my sister.

I know everything that is said and done.

And thought.

The setting sun

and the rising.

Gemellus, lovely boy,

come to me.

Too young to betray me. Well, perhaps not too young.

Kiss your old grandfather.

My last grandson.

I am your grandson too, Caesar.

Only by adoption.

This is the last flesh of my flesh.

Poor boy.

What is going to become of you?

He is like a brother to me, Lord.

Brother?

In our family,

a brother murders a brother,

who murdered his father, who murdered his son.

Fate. Drink, Caligula!

After you, dear brother.

Poor boy.

When I'm gone, Caligula will kill you.

And then, someone will kill Caligula.

Unless he should die before I do.

You are looking not well, at all.

I,

Caligula Caesar,

command in the name of the Senate and the people of Rome...

Prince.

My wife,

Ennia!

Now you are a man, Caligula.

What are you going to do?

You must be the master of your own destiny.

Take it with both hands.

Master, no!

- Bind his wrists! - No.

You must not go, you must not leave me. You're my friend.

For a man to choose the hour of his own death,

It's the closest he can ever come to tricking fate.

I'll trick you. Quickly!

I have lived long enough, Tiberius,

and I hate my life.

Why?

You say that to me?

One by one,

I watched you murder your family,

your friends.

The best of all Romans.

Leave us!

Out!

We were friends once, years ago.

We still are.

You will follow me soon.

How do you know?

With you gone, Macro will kill me.

I will arrest him and execute him.

You can't. He controls you.

Besides, even if Macro was dead,

how could I go on living

with this reptile?

You will respect my friend always,

won't you, reptile?

I have always respected him, Lord.

Do you hear that?

Tiberius, you were wise once.

Don't taunt me, I am old.

I've watched you turn into a monster.

That's treason, Nerva.

It's the truth.

I am surrounded by enemies.

You're cruel.

No, honest.

If power can destroy the mind and character of my Tiberius,

What will I do to this ignorant boy,

raised in military camps

By men who taught him nothing except how to be your slave?

Caligula serves me well.

The best of slaves will be the worst of masters.

So from evils past,

of those yet to come, I now chooses to escape.

You have hurt me.

Goodbye.

Prince.

Prince!

The physician Charicles

wishes to speak with you.

The Emperor has fallen ill.

The situation is dire.

How is the Emperor?

How long will he last?

Well, it could happen any moment, now.

With care, he might last a year or so.

Only a year?

I can smell death.

But whose?

Don't worry.

He can do nothing without me.

So these poor unfortunate creatures thought...

and where are they?

No, Macro.

He is planning something.

You'll be Emperor, soon.

You swear?

I sw...

I swear.

Leave.

Everyone leave.

Tiberius?

Tiberius?

Tiberius?

Caligula...

Lord.

Give me my ring.

No.

Yes.

You... do not dare!

Hail, Caesar.

Hail, Caesar.

I'll get everyone assembled in the hall for the announcement.

Gemellus!

Hail, Caesar.

We're alone, Gemellus.

We must love each other.

It's just like a dream.

It's only his mask.

You are Caesar now.

Caesar.

Caesar.

Emperor of Rome, Lord of the world.

Lord of the world.

I like this dream.

At the...

At the insistence of the Senate

and the people of Rome,

I accept, humbly

the highest office of our

great republic

Of our great republic.

When our beloved Tiberius was dying,

He begged me to carry on his good work.

Into the Tiber with Tiberius!

Throw him in the river!

Today we begin a new era.

Hail!

All those who have been deported from Rome

I do now recall.

I grant a general amnesty.

Caligula!

Caligula!

Silence.

The great Caesar is not finished.

As my fellow consul,

the Senate and the people of Rome,

They have wisely chosen my learned uncle Claudius.

Take your place beside me, Claudius.

Caesar! Caligula!

- Beside me, down there, Claudius. - I mean consul...

I herewith adopt as my son and heir, the Prince Gemellus.

Come forward, Prince.

From this moment, all official oaths

will contain the following phrase:

'I will value neither my life, nor the lives of my children...'

'...any more highly than I do that of the Emperor.'

or of his sister Drusilla."

Did you see their faces when I told them

that they had to swear not only to me,

but to you?

They were appalled.

I do hope so.

But was it wise?

I can do...

...anything I like...

...to anyone.

Well, don't start with me.

Who would you suggest?

Who?

Do you trust Macro?

Macro?

He did kill Tiberius.

I must appoint a new commander of my own choice.

Forgive me, Caesar.

Chaerea!

Two Senators beg to see you.

They have a dispute over land and await your judgement.

Well, then bring them in, bring them in.

I am interested in all that is Rome,

even down to the length of the toga.

- Caesar, I must complain about... - Give me the documents.

Guilty.

Thank you!

Do not thank me.

Justice must always be impartial.

That is so, Chaerea,

Is it not?

Yes, Caesar.

Good.

You may go.

That is your man?

Chaerea? He's so boring.

Boring, boring...

Superb training, Macro.

Superb.

Bring me Gemellus.

What? Here?

Yes here. Now.

Charicles,

stand here.

I want a bonus for my guards.

Yes, but Caesar, that's not possible.

All things that happen are possible, Longinus.

Make the impossible happen and

it becomes possible, isn't it logical?

Bergarius, you here.

Chaerea, you there.

But, Caesar, the imperial budget,

- is not normally... - You are the chancellor, Longinus.

You arrange it.

Uncle, would you mind stepping over here?

How, Caesar?

Palace banquets cost a quarter of a million sesterces.

Just a quarter of a million?

Well, we'll have to put everyone on a diet, right?

- Issue an edict. - Yes Lord.

- But the deficit, you see... - Well how much is my purse?

Well, Lord, as much as you require.

Good.

Macro.

Would you stand there.

Longinus, - you here.

- Yes, Caesar.

Gemellus.

I want you to look at these gentlemen very carefully

and tell me who killed Tiberius.

Take your time.

Look right into their eyes.

Who killed Tiberius?

He did, Macro!

Murderer.

Arrest him.

In honour of your new commander, Chaerea,

ten gold pieces for every man.

Hail!

Chaerea.

Arrest Macro.

Don't you dare!

Ennia!

You are precious.

Is it good for growing hair?

The divorce will only take a few days.

I think we should move.

Move?

Where?

Alexandria, say.

To Egypt?

Yes.

What do you think?

I would hate to leave Rome.

I mean, the Senate...

But I am Rome.

Wherever I am, Rome is.

And there is the Senate

and the people of Rome.

Forgive us, Caesar.

Longinus.

Hang on a minute.

The Commission.

Chaerea,

I now officially appoint you commander of my imperial guard.

And what about Macro? What happened?

Where is he?

He has been arrested for treason.

Caesar, you know he worshipped you.

He made you!

Nobody made me.

I... I can't believe it.

What did he do?

Ennia,

I had to take my destiny, with my own hands.

I love you.

I love you.

Look, I...

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Now at least she doesn't have to get a divorce.

But you still have to find a suitable wife.

No.

I'm going to marry you.

You can't. We're not Egyptians.

I know.

We are much more beautiful.

Rome is not Egypt.

And stop looking at yourself like that.

Then, let's go to Egypt.

You are a fool.

Caesar cannot be a fool.

But he's trying very hard.

They'll throw you in the Tiber, if you attempt to move the government.

There is who?

We are safe now.

Emperors are never safe.

I am the great Caesar.

I can do anything I like.

You are going to marry a respectable Roman lady of the Senatorial class.

Oh no I'm not.

Yes, you are. You've got to have an heir.

Who will kill me when he grows up.

The priestesses of Isis

are meeting at my house tonight.

You want me to marry one of them?

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

I wonder what I should wear.

When does the orgy begin?

Don't be disgusting.

I'm just being practical.

If I have to choose a wife, I must see how she performs.

Logic.

That one looks rather interesting.

Livia?

She's taken.

She's to marry Proculus, one of your officers.

Proculus.

I will send it to Spain.

She is a virgin.

Not your style.

Very boring.

That will be my wife.

Oh, no. Not Caesonia.

You are impossible.

She is the most promiscuous woman in Rome.

Perfect.

Caesonia's been divorced. She's extravagant. Always in debt.

- I want her. - But not for a wife.

Send her to me now.

No.

Yes.

Such is the will of the Senate and the people of Rome.

You're very convincing as a priestess, Caesar.

And you... as a sacrificial lamb, Caesonia.

If only all Rome had just one neck.

I told Caesonia that I would marry her.

- Don't... - Ah, but only after she's borne me a son.

How will you ever know it's yours?

I shall have her very well guarded. Don't worry..

Then you can be sure one of the guards will be the father?

No, they're all homosexuals who have been castrated.

Is that the officer that Livia is going to marry?

Yes. Proculus.

Proculus.

- Longinus... - Caesar?

...you see this young officer over here? Proculus?

Superb!

Yes.

The crown of victory for Proculus.

I believe, Proculus, that you are going to marry the beautiful Livia.

Yes, Caesar.

I look forward to the wedding.

I'm honoured, Caesar.

Gemellus.

Caligula.

Drusilla!

Jupiter loves me!

They're trying to kill me!

Gemellus. I saw him. He ran away. He wants me dead.

Caligula Caesar,

Emperor of Rome.

Hail!

And the Lady Drusilla and the Lady Caesonia.

And the Lady Drusilla and the Lady Caesonia.

Hail!

Are we late?

Do forgive us.

Was the ceremony beautiful?

The augury is good?

Yes, Caesar.

Splendid.

You are very gracious to come.

You are a Roman hero.

I shall now bestow...

the special blessings of almighty Caesar...

...upon this...

happy union.

Perfect.

I thought you didn't like virgins.

I've never known any.

That is correct, Caesonia?

And now my wedding gifts.

What a delicious bride!

Take off your robe, dear.

- But... - But?

Splendid.

My compliments

Don't move!

Is she really a virgin, Proculus?

Yes, Caesar.

One can never be quite sure.

Open your eyes, dear girl.

Lucky girl.

To lose your virginity to a direct

descendant of the goddess Venus.

I, Caligula Caesar

command you...

Open your eyes, Proculus.

I command you in the name of the Senate...

Open them!

...and the people of Rome.

She was really a virgin. Are you?

What are you saying?

No, Caesar.

Well, Isis won't like that. One law for woman, one for man.

That's not fair.

Come on, take off your clothes.

Splendid.

I like your nice bushy hair, Proculus.

No Caesar, I beg you.

So thick.

Up!

I think you lied to me, Proculus.

You're a virgin, too.

I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name...

Open your eyes, Livia.

In the name of the Senate and the people of Rome.

Hail, Caesar!

All hail Caesar's beautiful horse, Incitatus.

There's Gemellus, watch him.

Chop chop, dear uncle, chop chop.

I want your honest advice.

- Should I declare myself king of Rome? - King?

Well, but this is republic, isn't it?

Very well.

I shall make myself king of the republic.

But you're already greater than any king, Caesar.

I know, But I feel so undistinguished.

But you are to us like a god.

I am a god.

Or at least I will be when I'm dead.

Gemellus.

Try one of these morays.

What's that smell?

What smell, Caesar?

- What have you been taking? - Just a medicine to ward off the fever.

Did you give him medicine for the fever?

- Well, Caesar. - Yes or no?

I...

No.

Gemellus.

Are you accusing your sovereign of being a poisoner?

But I never accused you, Caesar.

You took an antidote before you came to my table,

which is tantamount to accusing me of poisoning you.

That is logical, is it not?

Chaerea,

arrests Gemellus for treason.

Guards.

No, Caesar!

No!

As if there ever could be an antidote against Caesar.

Drusilla.

Why are you so concerned for him?

I'm not concerned for him, but for you.

He knows about Tiberius. He's a threat to me.

He is not.

He's not even your heir.

Caesonia is now carrying your child.

Gemellus will die.

You amateur.

Amateur?

And they weren't even poisoned.

Caesar.

Well done.

Thank you.

What will you do to Drusilla?

What she said is treason.

I decide what is treason, not you.

Dance!

Dance?

Yes.

Show Incitatus your new dance.

What about your son?

My son?

He will dance with you.

Music.

Yes!

Drusilla.

You are very, very beautiful.

We are alone now on earth,

as we shall be in heaven.

He's going to kill me.

He's going to kill me.

He's going to kill me.

The fever must break soon.

And what if it doesn't?

Drusilla.

- Where is my sister? - She's coming.

Take my horse down to her room.

I'm here, Little Boots.

- Drusilla, I'm dying. - You are not.

I must make my will.

Don't talk. Sleep.

Longinus.

I want Longinus.

- Just listen to the crowd. - Ah yes. The people love him.

- But, nobody is safe with him. -The Empire is safe.

The Empire?

But he is a tyrant.

Better tyranny than anarchy.

A few families in Rome may suffer

but the Empire is safe.

There could be far worse horrors.

War, revolution, civil chaos.

If Caligula were to die.

It looks as if he's going to die anyway.

Longinus.

You called for me, Caesar?

My... my will.

Herewith to my beloved Drusilla...

...the Roman Empire...

...title of Augusta...

...my little boots.

little boots...

little boots...

He's sleeping.

No he's not.

Why do I get so angry with you?

Why do we always quarrel?

You can't help it.

We'll never quarrel again.

Oh, yes, we will.

Don't let me die.

My lady. You mustn't touch him.

The fever is contagious.

Sleep.

You're safe now.

Drusilla is here.

I offer my life

if Jupiter

will only spare our beloved Emperor.

Jupiter accepts your offer.

Execute him.

The fever is breaking.

Do you hear that, Little Boots?

You are going to live.

You missed.

I did not miss.

I was aiming for that leaf.

Well, aim at me.

Drusilla tells me that I've been neglecting my duty.

So I report for work.

Your signature and seal are required.

I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the Senate and the people of Rome.

I, Caligula Caesar, I command in the name of the Senate

and the people of Rome.

I Caligula Caesar, command...

Dull, dull, dull!

Caesar.

If I don't do something very soon, I shall

be remembered as Caligula the Dull.

I can see it in the history books.

Things are going far too well, Longinus.

- Too well? - Yes.

No wars, no catastrophes. Nothing.

It's been many years since we had a proper earthquake.

But what nature won't do, we will have to do ourselves.

There will be a famine.

- But the granaries are crammed full. - Exactly.

-Close them down. -Close them?

Yes.

Stop all the grain supplies.

Issue an order that every citizen will get

provisions every day, for which

they will bless their beloved Emperor.

Yes Lord.

What else?

Perhaps I could conquer Persia like

Alexander, and the people would love that.

I think war is a stupid business, don't you?

Yes Lord.

I want a bridge right across the Bay of Naples.

- Yes. - And a ship.

- Yes Lord. - With the most beautiful garden.

Drusilla loves gardens. And she likes the sea.

Which reminds me, we haven't

had a sea battle in a long time.

Flood the amphitheatre.

We will have a sea battle between Greeks and Trojans.

Yes Lord.

- Longinus? - Yes Lord?

Why do the Romans look so ugly?

Issue an edict.

Every man must wear a part his hair.

Yes Lord.

Can't you ever say anything other than "yes, Lord"?

No wonder life is so dull.

Yes Lord.

Curtain!

The child's head has just appeared.

- Is he alive? -Yes, Caesar.

My lords.

I'm now to be married to Caesonia.

the mother of my son,

Caligula Germanicus.

The ring. The ring.

You are now wife, mother and Empress of Rome.

It's a girl.

It is not a girl.

Did you not hear Caesar say...?

I have heard the voice of Caesar, but your daughter did not.

I should've waited, shouldn't I?

There will be other children.

Longinus.

One month of free games and a gold coin to every Roman...

...to celebrate the birth of my son.

My daughter, Julia Drusilla.

Caesar.

Caesar.

The fever.

Drusilla, I'm here...

...it's your Little Boots.

Do something.

I'm doing everything I can, Caesar, I swear.

But the fever...

Do not leave Me.

Not now.

Holy Isis, save her.

Take me.

Caesar begs you, almighty mother

Caesar.

No.

No.

No.

Leave us.

Go away.

Get out!

Get out!

Get out!

No!

We, Caius Caesar Caligula, do decree one month public mourning

for our beloved sister, Drusilla. During which time anyone who laughs, Bathes or dines

with his parents or children, or has intercourse will be sentenced to death.

Do you have any news of him?

According to one report,

he's gone to Egypt.

And according to the other reports?

To Greece,

to Carthage,

to Persia

to Gaul.

And where do you think he is?

He could be anywhere.

No,

he is here, in Rome.

He's testing us.

I wouldn't laugh if I were you, Longinus.

Neither will I dine or bathe with my children,

nor have intercourse with my parents for a month.

I have existed from the morning of the world,

and I shall exist until the last star falls from the night.

Although I have taken the form of Gaius Caligula,

I am no man as I am all men. Therefore, I am...

...a God.

I shall wait for the unanimous decision of the Senate, Claudius.

All those who say aye...

Aye!

The period of mourning

is now over!

Alright, Caesonia,

what have I done?

Why did you let the Senate declare you a god?

That was the Senate's decision, not mine.

Anyway, I am a god.

A god with human feelings.

A god in human form.

You believe that, don't you?

Oh yes, of course.

Then you are just as stupid as they are.

I don't want them to kill your human form.

They won't.

They're sheep.

I am surrounded by hypocrites and sheep,

forever talking about service and loyalty.

Sheep.

Do not trust the Senate.

I don't trust Longinus and I don't trust Chaerea.

I only trust my little giant.

And not me?

I trust your heart,

not your head.

I know

I am not Drusilla.

Caligula.

Isis loves us.

We have everything.

Everything.

Why can't you be happy?

Happy?

A happy Emperor on the throne of Rome?

That would be unique.

Do you have to make your contempt for the institution have to be so obvious?

Yes.

Why?

It is my inspiration.

Aren't you going to finish the massage?

You can't, Caesonia.

I am a god.

Don't you think all the gods look a lot more

sympathetic now?

Oh yes, divine Caesar.

I was talking to Incitatus.

You like them, don't you?

What do you say?

I thought that he was a deaf mute.

All things speak to God and all things listen.

Longinus.

Caesar?

We will invade... Britain.

But we can't possibly afford it.

Don't contradict me.

I can't bear contradictions.

I am inflexible.

Then, Lord, we should restore the wine tax.

No.

People won't love me if we tax their wine.

Then, How will we raise the money?

Wars, Longinus. Wars.

Conquest, plunder, slaves.

That is the logical way to raise money.

Make the preparations.

Yes, divine Caesar.

And there's plenty of money in Rome too, we only have to collect it.

Don't you worry, Longinus.

We shall raise it by the bushel.

Do you like my new march?

Yes, my Lord.

I think I'll teach it to my legions.

Caesonia?

How do I look?

Enjoy yourself, hmm.

Take care.

Now the fun begins.

But are they going to enjoy it as well?

I don't know.

Shall we find out?

Longinus!

Longinus,

my financial wizard.

Longinus.

We have a question for you.

Who is making the most money in Rome?

Answer:

the pimps.

Question number two:

Who are the most lascivious sluts

in Rome?

Who?

Answer:

the Senators' wives.

Solution?

The Imperial Brothel!

Only five gold pieces for each and every 20 minutes.

And that's a bargain because some of the women here are respectable married ladies.

Virgins, whores,

Senators' wives.

I'll have to work out a special rate.

Just five gold pieces!

Everybody lasting three hours or more

will receive Caesar's special prize for endurance.

Hairy nipples.

Senator Marcelo, your wife

will drive our customers away.

Try hot walnuts.

Now we sail for Britain.

Mars tells me that we will enjoy a great victory.

What did he do?

We are just a few hours march from Rome.

Chaerea,

Is everything prepared for the invasion?

Yes, Caesar.

- Only... - Only what?

Where is Britain?

Where?

There.

Oh yes Lord,

there.

- But... - But what?

There is no enemy.

There is papyrus.

Papyrus, divine Caesar?

Yes, papyrus. Don't be so stupid, Chaerea.

Order my army to attack and destroy that papyrus.

After all,

we must have some proof that I have conquered Britain.

Attack!

Destroy!

Get him. Forward!

Kill!

While all of you were living safely here in Rome...

...your beloved emperor was risking his life...

...to preserve and enlarge the Empire.

I've heard rumours that the Senate doesn't believe that I ever went to Britain.

No. No, lord.

But I did conquer Britain,

and I have a hundred thousand papyrus canes

to prove it.

Hail!

They hate you now.

Let them hate me. So long as they fear me.

But they are consuls and Senators. they're important men.

So important that they approve all

I do. They must be mad.

They say nothing.

I don't know what else to do to provoke them.

Cowards.

Sheep.

The almighty Caesar says:

take a grape

and catch it in your mouth.

Fail fail.

Fail fail...

Fail fail.

Keep note of all those who failed, Longinus.

Almighty Caesar says: Stand!

Almighty Caesar says: get down!

Almighty Caesar says: turn right!

Fail Fail...

Fail Fail.

Almighty Caesar says: run down the middle!

Almighty

Caesar says: hop!

Stop!

Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail...

Fail.

The almighty Caesar says: hop!

Stop! Hop!

Stop! Hop! Stop! Hop!

Stop!

The almighty Caesar says: Crawl!

Crawl!

Crawl!

Crawl!

I hate them!

Almighty Caesar says: Stop.

Almighty Caesar says,

that to balance the state budget we shall confiscate

the entire estates of all those who have failed.

Read out your list, Longinus.

Senators Galva,

Aponius,

Marcellus,

Antonius,

Cassius...

Chaerea,

Cutonius,

They have failed me.

Antonius Annis...

They have failed Rome.

Felixio,

Arrest them.

Walter Fodonio,

Red...

Almighty Caesar says:

arrest them.

Guards, arrest them.

Almighty Caesar says: finish your dinner.

Eat!

Watch Chaerea.

Why?

The omens are not good.

Be on your guard.

I think he intends to kill me.

What is so amusing, Caesar?

Just a thought.

May I ask what thought?

All have to do is nod my head

and both your throats will be cut, right here at dinner.

That is the Emperor's privilege.

Is it true that there has been a conspiracy against me, Longinus?

Eh... well, lord... that is... I mean... There seems to be a secret plot.

A plot is always secret.

If not, it's a plan. It's logical, is it not, Claudius?

Even a half-wit can see that and you are a half-wit.

Half of me is, Caesar.

When is the next consular elections?

In two weeks, divine Caesar.

In two weeks I shall elect as consul

the noblest Roman of you all.

I, Caligula Caesar, in the name of the...

In the name of

the people of Rome,

do now designate as Consul

Incitatus.

Hail!

He appeals to the people.

The Senate counts for nothing.

The new consul will now address the Senate.

All hail, Incitatus!

He has mocked the gods and the Senate—and humiliated the army...

- And prostituted our wives.

That's why the people like him.

May he be happy.

Happy?

Happy.

What would you do if you were me?

You never answer me.

You don't exist.

You don't exist.

You don't exist!

No!

No!

You don't exist!

You don't exist!

No!

You must sleep.

I think I shall have to resign myself to living forever.

I hope you do.

I am going bald.

No, you're not.

You've never been able to face the facts, have you?

The facts?

Oh yes my lord.

And you?

I need some sleep.

I need you.

Are you ready?

Will you speak your mind sister Isis?

Long have I wandered in the land

of men in search of you, brother Osiris.

I have been killed and cut into bits.

You put my pieces together, bringing back life with a kiss.

He's waving at us.

Wave back.

It doesn't matter.

It's only a show.

Dance master, who are these people?

They are the dancers from Troy, divine Caesar.

Do they know Hector's dance of death?

Yes Lord!

Do you want to see my dance?

Password?

Scrotum.

So be it.

I...

...I will live.

I will live.

Still...

...I will live.

Now.

Guards.

Hail Claudius Caesar!