All language subtitles for Vince s01e01.eng

(TINNY MUSIC PLAYS)

(ECHOING THUD)

- # There is a house

# in New Orleans

# they call the Rising Sun.

# It's been the ruin

# of many a poor soul.

# And me,

# oh God,

# for one. #

- SLO-MO: Aargh!

Motherfucker!

- # If I had listened

# what Mama said,

# I'd be at home today.

- Aargh!

- # Being so young

# and foolish, poor boy,

# I let a rambler lead me astray. #

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- And then it's all mixed together.
- Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Well, that looks good.
Let me just see if it's...

- Oh!
- Yep, good to go.

- Ooh, I just love that little chef.
- (LAUGHS)

I sure hope so, because we helped
create her with your special lady parts.

- Oh God.
- (LAUGHS)

- Only my husband could do uterus
talk this early in the morning.

- You know what �
I'm genuine when I say this.

The female reproductive system has
to be the unofficial eighth wonder of the world.

It is mind-blowing.

- Dad, please stop talking.
- Yes, that is enough. People are trying to have their breakfast.

- When are you gonna cover
the massacre in Texas?

- Make sure you join us tomorrow. We're in for
a real treat as we meet New Zealand's largest kumara.

- Ooh! Breakfast is sorted.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Thank you so much for watching.
And, as always, have a cracking day, legends.

(UPBEAT THEME MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH)

- And clear.
(BELLS RINGS)

- MAN: Hey, great show, team. Nice.

- When are you gonna
cover actual news?

- Oh, sweetheart, the audience don't want actual news.
Then they'll be sad about people they don't even know.

- So we just pretend
it doesn't exist? - Exactly.

- That makes me feel...

- Shame.
That feeling is called shame.

Go grab your bag.
You'll be late for school.

- Mum, every day I'm late for
school, because every day the show finishes at 9.

- There she is.
My favourite American import.

- Toby, you know, the reason I talk like this
is because I was basically raised by YouTube.

- Greatest babysitter
we never paid for.

Hey, Tobes. Man on the street. Solid
reporting out there today, mate.

There was no doubting that piece of
toast had Mussolini's face burned on to it.

- Yeah, yeah, in depth, I know.
- Yeah. - Shall we go?

- You are both aware that Toby didn't rack up
thousands of dollars in student loans to spend his days

driving around nepo kids
of TV show hosts?

- Aww. That's her little girl. She's
always thinking of others. - Somebody has to.

- It's fine. It's also
literally in my contract, so...

Come on.

SOFTLY: It's also the most
interesting conversation I have all day.

- Dictators on toast
not doing it for you?

- You too, darling. I love you.
- See ya. Love you. Bye, darling.

(WHISTLES TUNEFULLY)

- Another brilliant show, Vince.

- You literally say
that every day, Deborah.

- That's why they pay me the minimum wage bucks
� to pander to the egos of insecure television hosts.

- Mm, yeah. I tell you what � you are worth
every single one of those minimum wage cents.

Because somehow you keep me so grounded
with your biting wit. - I blame menopause.

- How old are you � like, 20?
- No.

- Vince. A word.

Hey, the kids cancer unit
fundraiser tonight...

- Ah, yes. Ward C's most
glamorous night of the year.

You know what � I've got a really
good feeling we might cure cancer tonight.

- Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
But hopefully you can cure the dwindling ratings.

And if you do happen
to nab a 10-point share,

a certain someone could be taking
over Mike Martin Tonight with Mike Martin.

That boomer's well
past his expiry date.

- (EXHALES) Yeah. I mean...
Have you spoken to Lou about it?

I just� I feel a bit weird,
cos I know how keen she is to do late night.

- Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie.
Nothing is set in stone.

When the time comes, you just leave Lou to me.
I know how to handle your wife. (CLICKS TONGUE)

- Coming to you live from the Central
Hospital, it's Cash for the Cancer Kids.

And now here's your host,
Vince Walters.

- # We are here at the cancer ward

# with the cancer kids
who are sick and bored.

# Here to put some light
in their lives

# and hope none of
my little buddies die.

# Through your donation

# to the patients,

# it's our ambition

# to put them all into remission.

# It's Cash for Cancer Kids.

# Donate some dosh.

# Donate a wig.

# It's Cash for Cancer

# Kids. #

Whew! What a start to the show.

And make sure you keep
those donations rolling in.

Every dollar helps
these little battlers.

Battlers like Nina here.

How old are you, Nina?
- Nearly 9. It's my birthday tomorrow.

- Wow. 9 years old. And what do
you want for your birthday, darling? - My dad.

- Dad couldn't be here tonight?
- He died. It's just my mum and me.

- OK, well, some... information that would have
been good to know before this live TV interview.

Nina, I didn't know your dad,
but I bet he was really cool.

And we'll be back
with more after this.

- And clear.

- What the�?
- It was great. Genius bringing up the dead dad.

Audiences love dead dads.
It tugs on the heartstrings.

Oi, kids, that was gold.

It's gonna go viral.

You're going viral. I'll tag you.

- You scare me, lady.

- Hey, Vince. Vince! Vince Walters!

Hey! Hey! Remember me?
We met, like, five years ago.

- Of course, of course. How are ya?

Hey. Thanks so much for the...

(SLAP!)

...support.

- What's my name, then?

- Your name?

Oh... What was the� the name?
It was, uh...

- Starts with a 'B'.
- That's right. It was 'B'. It was, uh... 'B'...

- Be...
- Be-Betsy?

- Betha...
- Betha...

- Bethanae.
- Bethany. That's right.

- Bethanae � with an accent.
- Bethanae. That's� That's not a name.

- That's French. (LAUGHS) Hey, would you be
a doll and take a photo with Brayden and the nurses?

- Uh...
- Yes. Perfect.

We'll come back from commercials
with a wholesome group photo,

bit of mixing and mingling
with the minions.

- Oh, you're the best, Vince Walters.
I knew you'd say yes. - I didn't really, um...

- Oh, great. Can we get everybody
in for a group photo, please?

Yep. Couple of people in the back.
That's lovely. Yep. Come on in.

Yep. That's looking good. Cool.
And can we get a 'We love Vince'?

- Oh, hold on. Just two seconds. OK.
- Good. 'We love Vince' on three, two, one.

- ALL: We love Vince!

- And we're live.

(THWIP!)

- (SCREAMS)
(GASPING) - Whoa!

- (STAMMERS)

Um...

Uh, wel� uh, welcome back to the, uh, cash with the
kids and the cancer and the cancer cash... for the kids.

I'm Wince Valters.
(ZIPPER WHIZZES)

Welcome back.

Did it go to air? Did you get a straight answer
out of anyone? - Oh, no one seemed too fussed.

- Of course they didn't. It's not even with their
dick dangling out in front of the sick kids, is it?

- (SCOFFS) It will be fine.
I was watching. Honestly, I barely noticed.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)
- Lou. Please tell me you didn't...

Oh dear God.

Well, can I talk to her?

Oh, right, now she's gone to bed.

Speak soon.

Hey! So that's great (!) My daughter was watching.
So how you gonna fix this one, agent extraordinaire?

- Don't worry.
It wasn't a complete disaster.

- What a complete disaster.
Good morning, New Zealand.

The country's waking up, trying to forget
what we saw of TV icon Vince Walters last night.

- Did that actually happen?
I thought it was a nightmare.

- Surely this is curtains
for the TV superstar. Surely.

- Well, he could have done
with some curtains last night. - He could have.

So what do you do if you're KVN management
here? - Well, you stand him down.

- No, no, no. You put him on air. Everyone
will be tuning in this morning to see him.

- There is no way you were
going on air this morning.

- Oh, come off it, Billy. It's just a tiny
moment with a middle-aged man and his codger out.

I'd hardly call it a disaster.

- It's the lead story in Bro Bible.
It is a complete balls up.

- So to speak.
- Thank you. Lou (!) Very helpful (!)

Billy. Listen.

(FUSSES)

I've done nothing wrong, OK? I was fully clothed
one minute and then partially clothed the next.

- Yeah, Billy,
let's look at the numbers.

10.5 share. Those are the highest ratings
this turd of a show has had in years.

Another positive headline �
his wanger looks half decent. - Surprisingly so.

- Thank you, Lou (!)

- All right, let's get serious. In times of crisis,
it's good to look to those who've come before.

So on a scale of
Weinstein to Cosby... - Jesus.

- ...he's sitting
at a Michael Jackson.

- I can't believe I pay you some
days.

- We're pulling you off air.
- I've done nothing wrong.

- You're a liability. Lou's gonna be
hosting the show on her own this morning.

- Oh...

On the plus side, now you
can take Evie to school.

- I don't even know
where her school is. - All right.

- (SIGHS)

Evie, darling, surely you can
see Daddy's the victim in all this.

Ow!

Ow!

(SIGHS)

- I'll get her an Uber, shall I?
(DOOR SHUTS)

- # Dear heart,

# your disposition

# turns cold

# with no provocation.

# I always feel so empty.

# Uh-huh...

- LOU ON TV: Oh wow.
That is big. (CHUCKLES)

31 inches.

My husband has been lying to me.

So, how long does it
take to grow a vegetable of this...

- # But I...

# I'll just keep holding on.

# Mm. #

- 5 o'clock somewhere.

- Uh, no, it's...

8.54.

- No, it's, like, a joke.

Like, it's 5 o'clock somewhere,
so... all good.

- That might be the case, but if it's 8.54 here, then
surely it would make it something-54 in most other places.

- Never mind. I'm� I'm Heidi.

- What are you doing on that balcony?
- I live here.

- You live in� in there?
- Why are you making it sound like it used to be a meth lab?

- Uh, cos last week,
it was an actual meth lab. Yeah.

People wandering around in hazmat suits
with (BREATHES RASPINGLY) masks and... Yeah.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
It's a joke.

- (SIGHS HEAVILY)
- It's kind of like that weird time zone thing you were just doing.

Just comedy. Yeah.
- Right.

Sorry, I didn't get your name.
- (CHUCKLES)

Oh, you make me laugh, lady.

Where'd you pop up from?

- Oh, my son and I just got
here from London this morning.

- Oh, I'm sure you're both going to be very
happy in that clandestine laboratory of yours.

- Oh, yeah, thank you. Well, we would
be, but, um, there was a mix up with the beds.

Beds for all, but no beds for us,
it would seem.

- Ouch.
- Mm.

- Rough mornings all round, eh?
- Oh?

- Well, you're gonna be
sleeping like a squatter,

and I got stood down from my job,
and I didn't do anything wrong.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Did they put anything in writing
or give you a good reason?

Cos they might be in breach
of your employment contract.

- Listen to the lawyer lingo.
What do you do for a job?

- I'm a lawyer.
- You're a lawyer. Yeah. Makes a lot of sense.

Well, thanks for the advice. And
it was lovely to meet you... my...

balcony friend.
- You've forgotten my name already, haven't you?

- Absolutely. Yeah. I'm just gonna
leave now, through this door.

(DOOR SHUTS)

Hey, Debs. Where's Billy?

- Oh, what a treat. Who knew
New Zealand's largest kumara was so delicious...

- Is this a replay?

- ...and could be cooked in
so many different ways?

- Looks like breakfast is sorted.
- (CHUCKLES)

- That's my line.

- Thank you for watching, and,
of course, don't forget to go out there and...

- No...

- ...have a cracker day, legends.

- It's a bloody screen test.

Motherf...
- (SLURPS)

- (CHUCKLES) So good.

- Ah-hoo-hoo-hoo-ee!

Tobes, the chemistry
was electric, baby.

Man, way to fast-track that
promotion, big guy. Good work.

But, Lou, come on.

I thought you would have told him �

the line's 'have a cracking day,
legends'. Cracking, not cracker.

- Vince, just take a breath.

- Take a breath? (BREATHES DEEPLY)
Thanks (!) That felt good (!)

Let me just try and figure out
what's going on here, Billy.

It's either option A, you've finally told
the team that I'm getting Mike Martin Tonight,

like you've always promised.
- What? You said that that was mine. - Look, now, come on. OK?

- OK, so it's clearly not that one. Must
be option B, you're screwing me out of a job,

which means you are
in breach of contract.

Yeah. You just breached me, Billy.
You breached me hard.

- Vince, let's take
this offline, eh?

- Offline? What's offline mean?
Does offline mean all of these fine people �

people who see me as a mentor,
a father figure;

people who have worked with me
for years, like Dave here �

don't get to see their hero
react to you handing his job

to some under-skilled puppy?

- My name's Phil.
- It's not about you, Dave.

- I'm sorry,
but this is gonna happen.

- I don't know how many different
ways I can say this �

what happened at the hospital
wasn't my fault.

- It's not just about the hospital, Vince.
Numbers are down. We need zest and energy.

And we had to make a call.

And when this unfortunate incident presented
itself, the board's decision was simple.

- I'm sorry, Vin.
- Don't 'sorry, Vin' me.

Nine years of marriage,
and this is the loyalty I get.

- You're divorced.
- Separated. - Separated.

- Yeah, well, only the
public think you're married.

(DOOR OPENS)
- You listen up, Bilbo.

You better have a bloody good
reason for sacking my client.

- Oh, yeah. Show numbers are down.

- So what? It's TV? I mean, the only
people watching it are my cousins in jail,

and my grandma who's lost
the arm strength to change the bloody channel.

- Vince, I'm sorry,
but this is happening.

You will get four weeks full pay, but
all we need from you is a statement saying

that you're stepping down
due to mental health issues.

- Pffft. My mental health was just
fine till about 22 minutes ago.

- You know what's mental?
You thinking he wants your four weeks full pay.

- You don't want a full pay?
- No, I-I wouldn't mind the full pay.

- Uh-uh. No. No statement, no pay.

He is walking out of here with something
far more valuable than money � his dignity.

- Just so we're clear � if I do lie about
my mental health, do I still get the full pay?

- Vince!

- And don't forget the
parent-teacher conference.

- (SCOFFS) As if I'd forget about
the parent-teacher conference.

What time did you have for that?
- 2.30.

- Yeah. Good.
Exactly the same time I had.

You've got to talk to Billy.
He listens to you.

- My hands are tied.
- Oh, how convenient, eh (?)

- Just remember that
this is not about us.

- (SIGHS) It's always about you, though,
isn't it, Lou? - Oh-ho-ho, stones, glass houses.

Let's just keep it about Evie.
Your belt done up nice and tight? - (SCOFFS)

- So in class, we've been discussing the
concept of integrity and what it means when...

um...

when you strip it back.

We've had the kids create
a visual representation.

Evie.

- It's called an integrity tree. Each leaf
represents what it means to have integrity.

This is the strong
moral principles leaf.

This is the honesty leaf.
And this is the trustworthy leaf.

- Wow. It's fantastic, darling.
Great work.

Hey, tell me, is there room on the integrity
tree for a leaf that was growing next to another leaf

for a number of years and then found out that
leaf might be getting replaced with a greener leaf,

so then went behind that leaf spec to see
what the newer, younger leaf would look like

growing next to it on
the integrity tree? - Um...

No, cos that's not being honest and
upright � two important traits of integrity.

- If that leaf had told the old dry,
withered leaf what was happening,

then it too might be replaced
with a greener leaf.

- Should I be following
what's going on here?

- It's their passive-aggressive
arguing technique. Something's happened.

- But if those two leaves had grown
next to each other for a number of years,

that leaf thought that might
count for some sort of leaf loyalty.

- If the leaves had been growing
on the tree for a number of years,

then surely they would understand
how the cutthroat business of trees works.

- It'll be over soon. He'll go one step too far.
She'll feign shock, and then they'll snap out of it.

- Maybe instead of growing
on the integrity tree,

that leaf might be better suited
growing on her own bitch bush. - (GASPS)

- It's really good, darling.
- Excellent project.

- Like, 10 out of 10 project.
So good. Awesome. - I'm so proud of you.

(DISPIRITED MUSIC)

- (SIGHS)

'Sorry, Vince. Show numbers are down. We need
a fresher approach � something with zest and energy.'

Oh, is that right, Billy?
Zest and energy. Well, how about I...

Zest and energy... a roundhouse
kick to your face? Hmm? Yeah? You like that?

What do we got here? (GASPS) It's a
bit of zest. There's a bit of energy.

And what have we got over here? It's
a branch from the integrity tree.

You like it... when I stick it...
in there... like this?

And there? Take it.

- You're really showing him.

- Balcony.
- Hello.

- Probably looked a little, uh...

- Like you were sodomising
an invisible person? No.

- No, it was a poke in the face.
- Oh, right. Sure. - Yeah.

- Hey, do you know what is weird
is that some beds showed up in my apartment,

and they have your
face all over them.

- Oh, good. They turned up.
Tell you, that extra lumbar model � exceptional.

- Oh.
- Mm.

- Thank you.
- It's what neighbours do, eh?

- What, drink at 9 in the morning,
send random beds and fight imaginary nasty men?

- Yeah, exactly.
- Hmm. Seems like a pretty cool neighbour.

- Pretty cool neighbour.

Whoo-pah.
(CLATTERING)

- Ooh. Scary stuff (!)

I like your little hat on the box.
- Thank you.

(DISPIRITED MUSIC)

Chair latte.

- Harsh realities
of a fickle industry.

You must feel, like,
totally invisible right now.

- You might wanna hold
on to that latte, darling.

- And so my attacker's here,
and he's about to penetrate me.

But nah-uh. I don't want it,
so I knee him.

I throw his arm back. We cross
over here, and I choke him into submission.

- WHISPERS: You stay here, darling.
Help yourself to snacks. Daddy won't be long.

- That is awesome.
- Hi. Hi. Hi. Good morning. Morning.

- Uh...
- Mwah, mwah.

- Uh, it's familiar face, everyone.
- Mm.

We are just in the middle of today's
self-defence lesson.

- Fantastic. I'm also here for some self-defence of my reputation.
What camera are we down this morning?

Down here. Fantastic.
Hello. Good morning, viewers.

(SIGHS) Listen, some of you may or
may not be aware of an unfortunate incident

that took place at the children's
hospital recently.

Well, I'm here to set
the record straight.

The Vince Walters you know and
love has done nothing wrong.

See what happened � the sick kid was like� He's
in a wheelchair, mate, so just down a little bit.

He was located here.
I was situated here.

Sick kid poses for a selfie
with his idol, me.

All of a sudden. Kaboom! Pow! My
pants are off and down by my ankles,

leaving my precious
parts fully exposed

and the wheelchair kid
inconveniently located next to them.

Listen, if we wanna lay the blame
of this traumatic event on anyone,

let's blame this little fella
or the wardrobe department for my loose pants.

I have a theory on it, however, cos the
nurses and doctors, they were situated over here.

Just here.

- Cheeky guy, this one, eh?
Little touchy-feely.

Well, now, this is
the rear naked chokehold.

He's got about 20 seconds
of life left in him.

- Let go! Police! Stop it!
- OK, OK.

Apologies, everyone.
Little security breach here.

- (GRUNTS)
- Ooh! The donkey kick. What a sweet manoeuvre.

So, what he's gotta do is
push his weight into his pelvis,

and then he can pin him down. Yeah!
- Get him off me!

- Give me Mike Martin Tonight.

(SPRAY HISSES)
Aargh!

My eyes!

My eyes!

(LONG SUSTAINED BEEP)

(SIGHS)

Evie! Evie!
I can still take you to school.

- It's fine; I asked Toby.

- SIGHS: Ooh.

Nice work, mate (!) You really
set that record straight (!)

Cleared your name up
good and proper (!)

Evie must be so proud of
her self-obsessed dad (!)

All that trauma of
constantly being let down by you.

She'll grow up always searching
for approval from all the men in her life.

Probably end up working in
a strip club called Fire Panthers

with a really cool stage name like
Brandi Bazookas, and it'll all be your fault.

You just breached yourself, mate, on live
TV, and any leg you had to stand on is gone,

like a diabetic amputee.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

- (SIGHS)

(PHONE UNLOCKS)
What?

- Hey, I just saw you on the telly.
Great work.

- Are you serious?
- No. It was pure career suicide.

Still, guess it's good to get
your bald mug some screen time.

Hey, listen, bit of a fiddly one,
yeah? You know that sick kid from the hospital?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, well, him and his mum, they're suing you.

- What?
- Mm. They're in my office right now.

- OK. Yeah. Well, you tell them they
better have a bloody good lawyer.

(MUSIC SWELLS)

- # Shine a light

# on this road

# of mine.

# Shine a light

# down on me

# one more time,

# and show me the way.

# Yeah. #

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