Original subtitles

- Hi, my name is Paul F. Tompkins

and my kink is wearing a hotel robe

while people glue things to my face

and I can't see what's going on.

(upbeat music)

- [Vic] Today, we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

(Paul laughing)

They have no idea who or what they're about to become.

- Come on.

- [Vic] Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up a character on the spot

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

- What do you mean?

- [Vic] This is "Very Important People."

- Oh my God. (laughing)

This is fucking insane (laughing).

Look at the little feeties.

Yeah, I like this guy.

There's something that's sort of regal about him.

Nobody can step on me now.

Now I'm the one who steps.

Look out, I'm gonna crush ya.

Oh, hello, I didn't see you there.

? The Mississippi riverboats are coming ?

? Everybody's pushing with the long stick ?

? To see how deep the water goes ?

? Before they get sick ?

? Because Mark Twain ?

? It's Mark Twain ?

? I'm a little beetle who lives on a boat ?

(upbeat music)

- There.

(tape ripping)

Oh.

We all have a story to tell

and sometimes those stories

need to be shared with the world.

Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis,

back with another edition of "Very Important People."

Please introduce yourself.

- My name is David Hoyle, Jr.

And I am a midnight louse.

(dramatic music)

- For those of us not scientifically minded,

what is a louse?

- A louse is a little bug that nobody likes.

- Oh sure. - And a midnight louse

is like one of those bugs, only bigger.

- Sure. - And we only

come out from midnight on.

And I'm here, forgive me.

- No, please take your time. - Come on, David.

- That's all right.

Do you need a tissue?

Can we get a PA to bring in a tissue, please?

- Thank you.

Hi.

- There you are.

Oh, I'm sorry, apologies.

And that's just, okay.

And that's me again.

Okay, wow.

- Look, I'm not a dry guy, so it's fine.

- So, immediately just sort of soggy, huh?

- Yes. - And so just, oh,

and I don't know which eye is crying.

- It's the one over here. - Oh, this one and?

- Nope. - Nope.

- Down. - Down.

- Over. - Over.

- Over. - And so then

we're on the other side of the face.

- Up. - Up.

- And in. - In.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

We got that there. - You can keep that.

- That is so, oh, well, hey, thank you.

So, that's wonderful.

So, you have never been up during daytime hours?

- I've never been up during the daytime.

- Can I ask why? - Well, because

we don't know what happens.

- I see. So it's more of a fear rather

than a physical inability.

'Cause you came to the studio today.

- It's true, but I came under cover of darkness.

- And nobody saw you?

- Nobody saw me. - 'Cause the crew was supposed

to be here at 7:00 AM so nobody saw you this morning?

- Is that how you talk to the crew?

- So people keep, and it's one of those,

and they like it actually,

- They do? - Lots of smiling faces.

- So- - I don't know.

Talk to the crew that way, they'll call you the victator.

(laughing) I'm teasing you.

Lemme tell you why I'm here.

- Well, okay, that's my job.

So why are you here today?

- I'm glad you asked. - Well, you're welcome.

- We haven't come out during the day.

- Well, you're out during the daytime right now.

- I'm inside.

- Sure.

- We've long been afraid of it.

And we've been told legends as

to why we shouldn't come out during the day.

- And may I inquire as to what those legends are?

- The legend is that our skin is so thin

that the sun would burn us.

- Oh, I see. - That's one of the legends.

- I see. - One.

- One. - Number two.

- Number two. - They say that

if we go out into the sun,

that we'll turn ugly.

- May I ask you a question? - Yes.

- Underground, what would your attractiveness level be?

- I'm an underground 10, above ground eight.

- Okay, well, what would you call me?

- I don't, I can't. - No, I got a thick skin.

So you gotta, you're worried about a thin skin.

I gotta real thick skin. - But I mean, okay, can I be-

- What am I?

Come on. - I don't know if I can-

- What am I?

- I don't know if I can use the scale

because you look very gross to me.

- Oh, okay. - You're dry.

- Right.

And you're a 10.

Well, you got a very nice shade of blue.

Alright. - Thank you.

- So, you're worried that you're gonna turn ugly.

What does that mean?

Sort of look like me?

- Yes.

- So, you're worried you're gonna turn into somebody

that looks like me or really anyone in the crew?

Probably anyone else in the crew.

- Most specifically you.

- Specifically me. - Like the way

it was described to me by the elders.

Like you fit that description.

Even the brooch.

- Everyone keeps saying that.

And I don't think it's a broo, it's a brooch, right?

- I don't know.

Another legend is. - Sure

- That if you go out when the sun is out.

- Right. - You'll go mad

with sun poisoning.

- What does that look like?

- You know how you burrow through some wood?

- I can understand the concept

- If that's what you normally do.

- Sure. - And then you go mad.

- Hm. - Then you look at the wood

and you're like, "Ugh, gross."

- Your appetite changes.

- Yeah, you're also acting weird.

- Acting weird. - Acting weird.

- Is this acting weird to you? - Does it look normal?

- Well, it doesn't look normal, but I'm just-

- We don't go out during the daytime because of the legends.

- Sure. - The songs.

- Right.

- They would tell you every day.

? Don't go out into the sun ?

? That has got to be rule number one ?

? Because if you go out ?

? When the sun shines down ?

? You're gonna find ?

? What it's like to drown ?

? In a pool of madness ?

? You can't swim ?

? Everybody's gotta go ?

? And get into the underground ?

? You got the underground ?

? That's where you'll thrive ?

? You know you're alive ?

? Hey high five ?

? It's the underground ?

- Okay, that's fun, right?

(Vic clapping)

That's really fun.

- Well, thank you all, but it's a dire warning.

- It's catchy.

Well hey, you ever decide to come up here,

maybe that's something that you can do.

- I'm glad you said that. - Okay.

- Because, I have an announcement that I'd like to make.

And I'm grateful

for you giving me this platform on your show.

- Of course, we're so thrilled to have you.

- This is, um...

- It's okay, take your time.

- Flying in the face of years, centuries,

millennia of tradition,

I want to lead my people, the midnight lice,

into the daytime.

- Well, I am so happy to hear you say that.

- Play the PSA. - Huh?

- Play it. - Oh, yep.

- Hey everybody, it's me, David Hoyle Jr.

Big Davie Hoyle's son.

And I've got a message for you in song.

(Hoyle clearing throat)

? What if the elders were full of shit ?

? If you went outside ?

? You wouldn't get hit ?

? By the sun in a bad way after all ?

? Come on gang ?

? And heed the call ?

? We gotta (sneezes) ?

? Go out into the sun ?

I hope you will join me.

And together we can start a new life

for midnight lice everywhere.

(light music) (light whistling)

I wish they hadn't used the take where I sneezed.

- Well, I'm so glad to hear you say all of this

'cause that actually ties into why I brought you here today.

I wanted to show you what it was like in the daytime.

- Really?

- I brought you a few experiences

and I wanted to show you that it wasn't so scary up here.

- Like what? - So first

and foremost, something really important

to daytime culture is lunch.

So we can go ahead and fly lunch in.

(light music)

Yum. - Wow.

- And you know what?

Hey, you got a fun chair.

I'm gonna get a fun chair too.

So why don't we go ahead and fly this chair out.

And I want a matching chair.

- This is the fun chair?

- Well, yeah, sort of a fun new chair.

We've been using this one all the time

so I want a matching chair.

Okay.

So, we got a real classic lunch here.

One of my favorites.

- Yeah, what are we looking at here?

- So we have, of course, banana.

- Uh-huh. - A banana.

Would you like to try a banana?

- Nope. - Okay, just for me.

Yum, yum, yum, I love it.

And I know how things cut.

So, I'm doing it like this

and I'm gonna squish it first

'cause we gotta be careful of shape.

Uh, uh, uh, mm, mm, mm.

Yum. - I don't like the texture.

- You've tried banana? - Oh yeah.

Tons of times.

- Okay, I thought it was gonna be

kinda like a novel lunch thing.

Okay, that's fine.

Now, we have some pasta.

We got sort of a meatball pasta.

- I wanna check it out. - Okay.

- I'm trying to look for a meatball part.

- You know, why don't I do that?

'cause I'm seeing a hand issue here.

If you wanna try.

- Oh. - Okay.

Yum, yum, yum, here we go.

- It feels intimate. - Okay.

How about this?

You do me, how about that?

Right?

- How is that less intimate?

- I'll do me, right?

So, and then it's just sort of, mm.

- Is it good?

- Cold. - I'd love a little bit.

- Okay, try a tiny little bit.

- Get a meatball piece. - Okay, here we go.

Ready?

- [Both] Ah.

- Mm.

- What do we think?

- It's cold. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I remembered this better.

I've had this since I was a kid, honestly.

- You can't go back, you know, from when you were a kid.

- What was it like when you were a kid?

- Oh, let's see.

I'm 250 years old.

- Wow, okay.

Typically when I think of bugs,

I think of quite a short lifespan.

- I know, right? - Yeah.

- But for us, it's like, I guess because it's nighttime.

- Right?

- Because nobody knows we're there.

We don't have any natural predators.

- Right. - And we just keep going.

- Maybe I'll go underground. - Why?

- You know, so then I can live forever.

- Well, that's not, I mean,

but you would die.

- Okay, and so last but not least,

we of course have some pineapple juice.

Have you tried pineapple juice before?

- No, you know what?

I never have had pineapple juice.

- Oh, really? - I've had orange juice.

- Great. - I've had apple juice.

- Mm-hm. - I've had grape juice.

- Mm-hm. - Tangerine juice.

- Sure. - I've had pineapple juice.

- So you have had pineapple juice?

- Yes.

- I sort of thought that this was gonna be sort

of like fun and new stuff.

(phone ringing) And it seems-

- Oh, that's me!

- What?

Okay, hold on, what, okay.

And just, we're gonna just-

- Slippin', slippin' on my old slime.

- Let's just be so careful on this set.

This is a very special- - Could you get

outta the way? - Oh, yep, of course.

And I'm just gonna sort of take up the thing.

Can we have a PA just really and quick and fast.

- Hello? - Okay.

- Uh-huh. (caller squeaking)

All right, thank you.

If it's 19:50, what time does that mean?

- 19:50, nine, eight seven, so that would be 7:50.

- Okay, so it's 7:50. - Why?

- Well, I called to see what time it was.

- You called to see what time it was.

- Yeah, and they said there were 80 people ahead of me.

- What, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, wait, wait, wait.

- What are you doing?

- I'm taping up the holes.

- Taping up the what?

- Taping up the holes.

There's holes on the set.

- Are you, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Hey, hey, hey. - Hey, hey, hey.

- Hey. - Are you okay?

- I'm fine. - Are you good?

- Okay, and there's another. - Are you good?

(light music)

- If we can have a PA go ahead

and bring in our next little daytime activity

that I got set up for us.

- Fun. - Arts and crafts.

- Ooh. - My favorite thing

to do every afternoon.

Thank you so much.

Here we go.

- Model magic.

- So I thought we could make little models of each other.

So, we're just gonna sort of,

we are gonna pull out our clay.

Do you need a little help?

- Let me try it first. - Okay.

- Don't coddle me, you know?

- You know, I was so surprised that you wrote into me

to be on television.

- Yeah. - I just, I was kind of

not expecting a letter

and the letter was so wet and I thought it was a joke.

And so I responded, "Sure, a slug can come on the show."

I just wasn't anticipating.

- Did I, oh, I'm sorry, did I say in the letter

that I was a slug?

- No, I just- - No, no I didn't.

- Right. - Yeah.

- Midnight louse. - Midnight louse.

- Midnight louse. - Yeah.

- I was just really surprised that you picked this program.

Had you seen the show before?

- No. - Do you need a hand?

- I'm fine. - So, why this program?

You haven't seen it?

- I've heard great things about it.

- From who?

- I haven't heard anything about the show.

- I see.

Then why did you choose this one to write into?

- I went through them alphabetically.

- Well, and this one's, this one's V.

- Yeah, they all said no.

- Okay, so sort of what I know about the midnight louse.

- Yes. - Society, town?

- I like society. - Okay.

Midnight lice society. - Yeah.

- Are there different towns

you can travel to underground there?

- Yeah, I guess they're kind of towns.

Yeah, we travel pretty far.

We can travel all over the world if we want to.

- Is that true, how? - Well, you just eat wood

along the way.

- A lot of wood-based activities.

- I feel like people should know that there's more

to us than just an insatiable appetite for rotten wood.

- You have a heart for travel.

- I do have a heart for travel.

And here's what's the most exciting thing,

is when you go down, down, down,

and then to get across the ocean,

you go under. - Under.

? Under the sea ?

- So, you know the song.

? Beneath the waves ?

? The watery graves ?

- It's not the one I thought it was gonna be

? Of Davey Jones ?

? And all the pirates that came before ?

- You sort of teed up a pretty famous song

for us daytimers.

- Which one?

Which one? - "Under the Sea."

- No, it's "Under the Waves." - Well, you started under-

? Under the waves ?

- You see, you said that, but first you said "Under the Sea"

and I was like, I know that song.

- I said the words "Under the Sea," yes.

And it reminded me of the song

? Under the waves ?

- "Under the Waves."

Well, I see.

Well you seem to do a lot of travel.

And so, actually for our last daytime activity,

I have a little gift for you.

So, if we get a PA to fly in the gift.

- A gift for me? - You get to take

that home with ya.

- Oh, thank you.

I may forget it.

- We won't let you forget it. - I don't want it.

- You don't want- - What's this?

- Okay, so this is, oh, the, okay.

There we are.

(light music)

And that is for you.

- Thank you.

- This is for your last sort of daytime activity here,

which is a gift that's gonna assist on your travels.

- And it is a Polaroid camera.

- Do you have one?

- Yeah, I can always use another one.

- Right, no, I just, I thought,

because now that you're sort of leading,

leading your bugs into the daylight, you'd sort

of want the Polaroid camera to sort of like document the-

- No, it's good to have more than one, honestly.

- And if you don't like it, you know what,

then we can, you know, you can throw it away.

- Oh no, I like it, and I wanna take a picture of you.

- Okay, well I'd love a picture of me for a couple stills.

- Smile. (camera clicking)

- That one's gonna be lovely. - That's a keeper.

- I think. - That's a keeper.

- And that's pretty special. - Yes.

- David. - Hey, give it.

Jesus Christ. - Okay, I can do that.

- Oh, goddamit! - Perfect, perfect.

We're gonna leave that there.

So David, you've come to join us on the surface.

- Yes.

- And I can see your hesitation still a little bit.

I can see you're a little scared

and you've done something for me.

So, I as a human would like to extend a courtesy to you.

- Not another camera? - Huh?

- Nothing. - Not another camera?

- No, I didn't say that. - Okay.

I've decided I wanted to give something to you.

And that is the gift of friendship.

And how I wanna do this is,

I had some PAs collect some slime from you earlier.

And I've decided you're slimy.

I'm gonna be slimy too.

- No!

- You're gonna see a little bit of one of us day timers.

- You're gonna get slimed?

- Like one of unit night timers.

- Vic, this is a huge compliment.

- Yeah, so, oh wow.

Here we go. - Oh, that's a lot.

- Well, you know, we just sort of collected a little bit

of what was there and there was like-

- I was pacing.

- Oh, I see.

Here we go.

Are you ready? - Yeah.

Here, allow me.

- [Vic] That's what you were thinking?

- Allow me. - Okay, oh.

- I'll just get in there.

And then how about that?

- Oh wow. - There you go.

- Okay. - Right?

- That's not so bad.

Hey, hey, watch this.

How about this?

We're gonna do this.

So, I'm gonna sort of toss these.

Okay, thank you.

Thank you so much.

- Hand your shoes to the PA. - Watch this, are we ready?

We gotta sensor these 'cause I'm not doing this for free.

- No, no feet for free. - Are you ready?

- Three. - Two.

- One, slime!

Oh, look at that.

Oh, the sound is beautiful.

Oh.

- Hey, does my hotness scale go up now?

- Yes, it does actually. - To what?

- Five, I mean, that's huge.

That's a huge leap.

- Why don't we take a picture together?

Huh?

- That's a great idea. - With your new camera.

How about that? - That's a great idea.

Where's my camera?

- Well, it's sorta over here.

- A gift from my friend Vic.

- Okay.

- For my friend David. - perfect.

- And so here's my thought, right?

Is that you have a Polaroid, but this has gotta be

a much nicer Polaroid than you have, right?

- It's equivalent.

It's equivalent.

- You don't think so?

I mean, look at it. - Yeah.

I think this is like a classic model, which I think is cool.

- Oh. - I'll grab that from you.

- Okay. - Okay.

- You know, this is hard because usually

I'm just walking away from this.

I never backtrack.

- Is my hair okay? - It looks gorgeous.

- Okay, ready? - Is mine okay?

- Yeah, yeah, here we go, ready?

(camera clicking)

Hey, can I ask you something?

If you don't wanna do it with me,

I think that that's totally fine.

- No, no, no, I'd love to do it, whatever it is.

- Can I be the first one to go outside with you?

- That's a beautiful offer

and it would honestly make me feel less alone.

- I'd love to go on a walk with you.

- Yeah. - And if you don't wanna

do it with me, I think that's fine.

You know, obviously-

- Vic, shut up!

You're an important part of my journey

and I wouldn't wanna do it with anyone else.

(dramatic music)

? So here's what we're gonna do ?

? We're gonna put one foot in a shoe ?

? And then we go out the door ?

? And we blink our eyes ?

? Because look ?

? the sun has begun to rise ?

? You don't have to be afraid ?

? You don't have to be afraid ?

? The sun is not your enemy ?

? You could drink some lemonade ?

? Because here we go ?

? Out into the big outdoors ?

- You know, if you ever would decide

to get a job up here, maybe theater, right?

Maybe musical theater.

- Musical theater, do you think?

- Well, it's a thing that we do up here,

sort of as-

- I know what musical theater is.

- Okay, right, of course.

So, you know, how about we head outside, huh?

- Okay. - Okay.

- How's the picture?

Is it good?

- Yeah. - How do I look?

Ooh.

- Do you not like that one?

- I don't like myself in pictures.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Well, 'cause and so you've taken a bunch and I forgot.

So, okay, so sort of, there we go.

And just really.

- Is this the only door?

(Vic thudding)

Are you still with me?

- Yep.

? Going for the door ?

? Gotta do one more ?

? Step to the doorknob ?

? That's how we do it ?

? Gonna see the sun ?

? Gonna see the outside ?

? Gonna the one to ? (fire whooshing)

(Hoyle yelling)

- Okay. - I'm burned.

- No, you're fine. - I'm burning!

- Okay, okay. - I'm burning!

- [Vic] Okay, okay.

Come on. - Stay with me!

- Oh no. - Stay with me.

- [Vic] Okay, I can't open the door!

- Damn! - I can't open the door!

- [Hoyle] This sucks!

(upbeat music)

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