Original subtitles

-? Look up there ? -? What do you see? ?

? Nature and stuff ?

-? Like a rock ? -? And a tree ?

? Oh, the Great North ?

? Way up here, you can breathe the air ?

? Catch some fish ?

? Or gaze at a bear ?

? Wow ?

? Oh, the Great North ?

? Here we live, oh, oh ?

? Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ?

? From longest night to longest day ?

? In the Great North. ?

[cheering]

[Ham] You can always trust Gill

to have his birthday at Yet-E-Cheddar.

16 years running, 100 more to go.

Welcome to Yet-E-Cheddar.

You guys look too old to be here,

so you must be with him.

Ham, remember, if he asks me for a birthday kiss,

I'm going to tell him my lip gloss has shrimp in it

'cause I know he's allergic.

Play along.

This place looks like a casino for babies.

'Cause that's exactly what it is.

Ooh, is that a gigantic novelty comb with a pepperoni pattern?

Oh, wouldn't that look pretty in my pocket?

You've got expensive taste.

It's 10,000 tickets.

Luckily, I have a gambling addiction,

two hot hands, and all the time in the world.

[laughter]

Uh, Beef, have you maybe thought about changing

the new boat's name to not the Anal Breeze?

Okay, in the boat's defense, it did say Canal Breeze.

The "C" wore off.

But changing the name of a boat

is a serious, time-consuming endeavor.

Don't we just have to repaint that one section?

Well, sure, but we'd also have to buy

a bottle of champagne to smash on the hull.

We're talking 15 to 20 minutes of my dad's precious time.

It might be worth it?

No one in town has made eye contact with us for weeks.

Hmm, it has been a nice break, but perhaps you're right.

I'll start thinking on names.

[chuckles]

I think I've already got a few fun ones in mind.

[whistling tune]

Oh, no.

You know how I'm always saying Dad's a perfect ten?

Yep, you said it on the way here.

Well, I was rounding up. He's actually a 9.5.

His name game is totally wack.

We cannot let him pick the new boat name.

We got to think of one ourselves, and fast.

Hey, here's an anal breeze for you.

[blows raspberry]

-Keep it moving, buddy. -[laughs]

We just got the highest score on Snack Snack Hibernation.

Our bear ate 413 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches

before winter hit.

Isn't that a one-player game?

We wrote our name on the leaderboard as "Hispin."

[both laugh]

'Cause you're like the same person.

No, I mean, we're still two separate people.

Two separate people who are exactly alike.

Okay, I'm gonna go get us some pizza.

Our favorite: medium.

Oh, Ham, you are so lucky.

I know. That medium pizza is gonna be sick.

I mean, to be with Crispin.

You already found your soulmate.

You never have to date new people

or kiss new people or even flirt with new people.

Oh. Yeah.

I guess that's... nice.

Honestly, you could die right now and be so happy.

[scoffs] Totally. Yeah, nothing left for me to experience.

Although I guess being single has its thing-les.

Yeah, for sure.

Like what?

Oh, danger, adventure, freedom.

Like, I could hook up with any guy here.

Even Yeti Van Halen,

who is, hands down, the hottest member

of the Yet-E-Cheddar animatronic boy band.

I mean, a-look at that body.

[Ham] Huh.

He is something, isn't he?

I read his backstory online.

He's a 17-year-old bigfoot

who stole his stepdad Anthony's motorcycle.

-Whoa. Gah! -I'm back.

I-I mean, "gah-reat." Great, great, great.

They were out of medium, so I got a small and a large.

Attention, young yetis,

we hear there's a birthday person in our pizza palace.

Yum. Time to sing

-a little song for... -[Matt over P.A.] Gill.

...who is turning...

Sixteen.

[rock music playing]

? Your birthday's once a year... ?

-[kids gasping] -What is happening?

Oh, no. Marty Marinara. Somebody do something!

He's dying!

All right, coming through. Coming through.

Sorry, everyone. Sorry, Gill.

I guess we can't do the birthday song today.

Oh, that's okay. No big deal.

[Ham] This one goes out to Gill.

? Your birthday's once a year ?

? You Alaskan pioneer ?

? Yet-E-Cheddar's is the bomb ?

? Games for you and wine for Mom ?

? Seven locations Alaska-wide ?

? We love it when you come inside. ?

-[cheering, applause] -I cannot believe they still

haven't changed that last lyric.

Hey, you got decent pipes, kid.

You want to fill in as my singer

while Marty Marinara goes in for repair?

Wow, really? What an honor.

I can't pay you with cash, but I can pay you in pizza.

Four pies an hour sound fair?

-Five. -Three.

-Two. Wait... -Let's do two.

Wow, Ham, you just got discovered.

Just remember to ask for next Tuesday off

for our jinx-iversary.

The one-year anniversary since we first jinxed?

You know, how could I for...

-Get? -...get?

[laughs] Yes. Jinx.

[Judy] Okay, guys, Dad is at Carissa's

watching Shark Tank, so let's pick a name

'cause his ideas blow.

Remember when I trapped a muskrat

and he wanted to name it Giggles?

And when I won that goldfish at the fair

and he insisted we call it Giggles?

Thank God it died.

-Rest in hell. -Yep, even I,

Wolf Giggles Tobin, agree that Dad sucks at naming.

Okay, so what do we do? Blow up the boat?

Kill Dad by blowing up the ocean?

Kill Dad a different way?

Just thought-starters.

Ooh, I know, since your dad loves Shark Tank now,

why don't we each present our name proposals

-Shark Tank style? -Great idea.

I really didn't want Judy to kill Dad.

[Matt] Heya, Ham?

Let's run through a couple of songs before the parties start.

-Oh, yeah. Sure thing. -[phone buzzes]

Oh, sorry, got a text from Crispin.

Good luck at work today, sweetie.

Yours forever... ever... ever.

You could die right now and be so happy.

Nothing left for me to experience.

[grunts, clears throat]

Okay, uh, let's try "Pepperoni Boy."

? Ordering pizza is no time to play nice ?

? Take a risk and order the spice ?

? I'm your pepperoni boy... ?

Whoa. Ah, hey.

Oop, got to look out for that bad boy.

He's totally unpredictable.

? B-B-Baby. ?

Hi, Ham, how about a ride?

Aah! Cheesus H. Crust.

What just happened?

? Lemon-lime, Coke, even root beer ?

? And that's all the sodas we have ?

? Whoo! ?

[applause]

Okay, two hours, that's four pizzas.

Boy, that Yeti Van Halen is kinda wild, huh?

You know, and not just his lips, which I would not call kissable.

Yeah, he's a little glitchy.

For sure, and just to let you know,

I didn't have a brief fantasy about him.

See you tomorrow.

How's the new gig, Ham?

Oh, it's fine.

The Yeti Van Halen bumped into me

a bunch yesterday, though.

-So unprofessional. -Uh-oh.

Someone has a work husband.

-No! -I was just kidding.

Oh. Yeah, no, me, too.

Uh, that's a new joke I do where I just shout "no."

-[chuckles] No! -Oh.

[laughs] I love it.

And I love this free pizza for lunch. Mmm.

Cha-ching, Mr. Pizza Bags.

If you keep making this much pizza,

we'll be able to get our own apartment soon.

Hey, it's you again.

Hey. I mean, not hey.

You are not real.

Then why are your feelings so real?

I am not feeling restless in my relationship.

-I didn't say that. -You didn't?

So, you want to hang out after the show?

No, I have a boyfriend.

[Matt over P.A.] Everyone, set down your sodas

and get a load of this: Brayden's turning seven.

Ugh. Dumb Yeti Van Halen, with his dumb perfect abs

and his stupid lips I don't want to take a nap on.

[Dirt grunts] Mama needs a new pair

-of pizza comb. -Aunt Dirt?

What are you doing here?

Never left. Been sleeping in the ball pit.

I'm walking out of here with that pizza comb

or they are dragging my corpse out.

[sighs] Well, you're probably wondering why I'm a little down.

Scooch over, you're in my light.

See, it's this animatronic I have to work with.

All day, he's been bumping into me, cutting me off.

So, you got a crush on your coworker.

What? Yeti Van Halen is a robot.

Plus, I'm with Crispin.

We have our one-year jinx-iversary this week.

Well, there's your problem.

Feeling that one-year itch, huh?

No. I guess I just need to learn how to work

with this extremely sexual robot for a few days

so I can return to my perfect life.

Eh, whatever you say.

Now move along before you change my luck.

Comb to mama.

All right, Daddy Wonderful,

are you ready to see your surprise?

Wait, real-life Shark Tank?

Somebody pinch me.

We'll do you one better. We'll pitch you.

Now entering the tank, a little Tobin with a big idea:

a new way to name your boat.

Hello, shark. Picture this: a world at war.

And there's only one boat left: Moon's Murder Barge.

I've been emailing with a man, screen name: "wallysweapons4U,

exclamation point, smiley-face emoji, shrimp emoji,"

and he has promised to sell me four cannons,

dozens of torpedoes and a prototype death ray.

So, what do you say, shark?

Shall we take this boat from Anal Breeze

to "rules the seas"?

Moon, I'm not interested in a World War,

and for those reasons I'm out.

Also, when we get home, I'll be pouring water on your computer.

Thank you for your time.

Next up in the tank,

an artist who wants you to think outside the boat.

Hello, shark.

What's so special about a name? Nothing.

Everyone has one and, ugh, people are sick of them.

Any boat can have a-a "name,"

but ours will have an avant-garde symbol.

And for those reasons I'm out.

Thank you, shark. Good luck.

Now entering the tank,

a wife-and-husband entrepreneur team

who hope to make a splash with a new idea to name a boat.

If there's one thing this whole family can agree on,

it's that we all want to meet Adam Sandler.

-I really want to... -Yeah. Absolutely. -My backup dad.

That's why we came up with the perfect name

for this boat: The Madam Sandler.

Imagine Adam Sandler at home in Hollywood.

-Hmm. -[Honeybee] He gets wind

that there's a boat in Alaska named after him.

And next thing you know...

-Scab-a-doo. -That's right,

Adam will just have to see this boat named after him.

Hubie Halloween.

So, Dad, what'll it be?

Did this idea Click?

Shall we Just Go with It?

And in closing, do you Mess with this Zohan?

I love it, but I don't want to be inundated by tourists

trying to get pictures with the Adam Sandler boat.

And for those reasons I'm out.

Scab-a-dee-doo.

Ugh, but, Dad, the boat needs a name.

Correct. I'm gonna undertake a period of isolation

and emerge tomorrow with a name that will make you all proud.

Will it be Giggles?

100%.

Ham, sorry, your break will have to wait.

I need you back onstage.

A kid just threw up in a root beer pitcher

and we need a vibe change.

But I already did all the birthday songs.

All right, then I'll, uh, cue up "Dippin' Stick Boogie."

The duet with Yeti Van Halen?

We've never practiced it together.

Well, you're a pro and he's a robot.

Let's go.

[rock music playing]

? We're having fun, we're getting our kicks ?

? Come on and take a bite of my old dipping stick ?

? At home you might be a picky eater ?

? But when you dip that stick in, it only gets sweeter ?

? Dip my cinnamon stick in your sugar sauce ?

? Wrangle a cheese stick in ranch like a boss ?

? Oh, the sweet and savory nibbling sticks ?

? Open wide for my creamy dips ?

Do you think they ever listen to the lyrics to these songs?

? Celery if you're gluten-free ?

? Ooh, won't you share your dips with me? ?

-Sing it! -? We're having fun, ah ?

? We're getting our kicks ?

? Ooh, won't you take a bite of my ?

? Dipping stick. ?

[panting]

[sighs] That. Was. Electric.

Yeah, what a rush. Wait, no!

Come on, Ham. I know you feel it, too.

Okay, fine, yes, I feel it, too, but this is not good.

I'm supposed to never have feelings for anyone

other than Crispin ever again.

Uh, I think.

I don't see a ring on that finger.

Oh, don't you start, too, Breadstick Billy the Bunny.

[phone buzzes]

Uh, hey, Crispin. What's up? Everything okay?

Yep, just my usual good night call.

Right, right.

Should we try to see each other in our dreams?

Sure. Yes. Um, how about we meet in, uh-

Martha Stewart's mansion?

Oh, hell yeah.

I'll meet you in the flatware room.

-Love you. Night. -[phone beeps]

See? Ah, we're totally normal, everything's fine.

Setting dream destination:

dish-peeping at Turkey Hill farm.

[crowd cheering]

Thank you, New Jersey!

Ah-one, two, three, four.

[rock music playing]

? I didn't want to fall into ?

? The adventure in your eyes ?

[Yeti] ? You tried to avoid my abs ?

? And my overmuscled thighs ?

? But now I'm in it, so, baby, let's begin it ?

[both] ? Something's starting, something good ?

-That's it, that's the one. -? A yeti moved in ?

-? To my heart's neighborhood ? -No, no, no. No, no, no.

-No, no, no. -? I got that old feeling ?

? That I want something new ?

? I got a new feeling ?

No, no, no, no, no!

? That that something is you ?

? Give me those abs, those eyes, those thighs ?

? I really want to kiss ?

? Some other guys. ?

Okay.

[playing guitar solo]

Ah! Crispin. [relieved sigh]

It was just a dream. Just a dream.

Want to make it a reality?

No! Okay, now that was just a dream.

Then what the hell is this?

[gasps, groans]

Why can't I forgetty about that yeti?

Oh, hey, Ham, don't mind me.

Just couch-diving for more quarters,

but this bitch is tapped.

Well, I just came down here to get a glass of milk

and question my entire life.

This about that hunk you're working with

that you want to date?

What?! He's not even a human.

But... is it, like, weird if I am feeling

something toward a robot?

Not weird at all, my boy.

Our brains are complicated

and always trying to tell us things.

Mine sang a similar song a few years back.

-It did? -Yep.

When I was down in the bunker.

I'd been down there about

23 years at the time

when this can of carrots suddenly caught my eye.

Eventually, I was so overcome that I laid a kiss on her.

-[Ham] You kissed a can of carrots? -[Dirt] Yep.

Drove the condensed milk

-insane with jealousy. -[cow moos]

Then I ate the carrots.

And it turned out, I wasn't horny for the carrot can itself.

I just needed vitamin B.

Wouldn't have found that out, though,

-unless I gave in to my feelings. -Huh.

So maybe you ought to lean in, see what happens.

-Maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you something. -Huh.

Now go get me Moon's piggy bank. And yours.

It's gonna take me about 800 more bucks

to get that giant unusable comb.

All right, we paint the name on quick, and before you-

[both yell]

Well, well, well, I see we all had the same idea.

[Judy] Traitors.

-[others scream] -While I'm glad

to see you are finally wearing the cloaks

I got you for Christmas, may I also add, what the hell?

Oh, get off your high horse, Judy.

I can see that paint can in your hands.

Okay, guys, that's it!

I'm the eldest boy and I'm declaring

that we are all staying here until we decide on a name

that Dad will like and we can all live with.

I, in no way, recognize your authority, but fine.

I don't recognize anyone's authority,

but I don't have a ride home

and I almost died walking here, so I'm in, too.

Great news. It's Slop-uary again.

Gonna have sloppy joes all month.

What?

Um, I was just talking about sloppy joes.

-Is everything okay? -Yeah. Perfect.

So, how was band?

The Yet-E-Cheddar band is fine. Nothing is happening.

What are you, a spy? Harriet the?

I meant band, like regular band,

like since you had it last period.

Well, there's nothing to worry about, okay?

God!

I guess this is what it's like to be in love with an artist.

At least it's Slop-uary.

? And that's our parking policy. ?

Hey, you.

-Here we are again. -Yeti, no.

We've been over this. I have a boyfriend

and I don't want to kiss you.

Come on, Ham. Lie to me if you want,

but don't lie to yourself.

Fine. [sighs] I'll kiss you, robot.

[Yeti moans]

[Crispin] Ham?

Are you kissing an animatronic?

Crispin?

-Why are you here? -It's our jinx-iversary.

I guess you...

-forgot. -Forgot.

Jinx. Damn it. I'm sorry. God!

Well, guess he finally kissed the can.

This is 80 bucks in pennies, Chachi.

Count it in front of me.

Okay, well,

I guess my relationship is over, and for what?

'Cause I kissed some dumb, hot robot?

-Hi. -Hey, cool hat.

-Thanks. I like your hair. -I like your eyes...

I mean, no, no. I don't like them, actually.

-Bye. -Okay...

Ugh, now I'm flirting with a real boy?

What the hell is wrong with me?

I love Crispin. I don't need anyone else.

Wow, it's like a revolving door of guys over there.

God! Why am I even noticing them when I have the perfect partner?

Okay, you know what?

I'm just gonna look at these guys

and not feel any...

Oh, whoa.

Hello.

Damn it!

Would you stop it, Ham?

You really swan'd me off my feet.

[Crispin] Hey.

Ah! Oh.

Hey. Hi, Crispin.

-Can I sit with you? -Sure.

I want you to know

that kiss with Yeti Van Halen meant nothing.

Ham, I know that. He's an animatronic robot.

-I'm not nuts. -Yes. Right. Sorry.

But you have been acting a little weird lately.

Whatever do you mean, dearest little Crispin?

For instance, how you just called me

"dearest little Crispin"?

Right. Right. Ugh.

It's like I don't even know who I am anymore.

[Crispin] Yeah, I've, um, sensed that.

Sometimes I feel like

that's because we've kind of become the same person.

I mean, we have a lot in common. Is that bad?

No, I mean, I-I don't know,

it's just... [exhales]

I think I may have kissed Yeti Van Halen

because my subconscious is trying to tell me something.

And that something is that I need vitamin B.

But not like from carrots, like "B" for boys.

I might need other boys.

-For now. To try. -Oh.

And also to try to figure out,

like, who I am and what I want and stuff.

Do you not like me anymore?

God, no. I love you.

That's why this is so confusing.

I thought we were perfect.

We are. I think.

But it's so soon in life to have something so perfect.

And I have nothing to compare it to.

I've never dated anyone else.

I guess I would be lying if I said

that the idea of another guy doesn't have some appeal.

Like that guy who just walked out.

I could kiss him.

I'd maybe even date him. [weak chuckle]

We'd probably go to a Renaissance fair together.

Ironically. But then...

-actually enjoy it. -Actually enjoy it.

[both] Jinx.

Maybe we both need a little...

-walkabout. -Walkabout.

[both] Double jinx.

[Beef] Are we doing Shark Tank again?

I am having a great week.

Nope, we've just got something to show you.

And before you say no, just give it some thought.

[Wolf] Ta-da!

[Honeybee] We know you would never

name a boat after yourself.

But we kind of think you should.

The Mighty Beef?

So, Dad, do you... like it?

Sharks, we have a deal.

Thanks again for stepping in last week.

Here's the rest of the pizzas I still owed you.

No problem. It was...

interesting.

[grunting]

Okay. I'm just gonna... I-I'll be back for the rest.

Probably gonna be, you know, three trips.

[Dirt] "Good luck in the dating world, kid.

"Don't forget to comb your hair.

Love, Aunt Dirt."

? It's that special time of year ?

? Slop-uary's finally here ?

? Sloppy Joe is on the way ?

? To slop our buns, and we sing "Yay" ?

? Put up your Slop-uary tree ?

? And light fireworks full of meat ?

? Slop elves work all day, all year ?

? To bring us all that sloppy cheer ?

? Everyone's full of slop and feeling groovy ?

? And debating if Slop Hard is a Slop-uary movie ?

? But let us not forget the slopless ones ?

? Who wake up to dry buns ?

? We gift them slop to do our part ?

? 'Cause what matters is the slop within your heart. ?

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