Original subtitles

-? Look up there ? -? What do you see? ?

? Nature and stuff ?

-? Like a rock ? -? And a tree ?

? Oh, the Great North ?

? Way up here, you can breathe the air ?

? Catch some fish ?

? Or gaze at a bear ?

? Wow ?

? Oh, the Great North ?

? Here we live, oh, oh ?

? Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ?

? From longest night to longest day ?

? In the Great North. ?

[cheering]

[producer] Tonight, six contestants

are stranded alone to live in the wild.

The weakest go home.

The last one to remain

wins $8,000.

This is Dropped Off to Die.

[Tobins cheering]

Yes! Dropped Off to Die is the greatest survival show

of all time!

On Alaskan local access television.

So, hold up, these people

are putting their lives in danger for our amusement?

-[giggles] Exactly. -Uh, don't forget

that the winner gets $8,000.

That's not enough money.

-Everyone, grab a themed drink. -[chuckles]

We call them dirty water-tinis.

A lot of the contestants drink unsafe water and get so sick.

They can't resist that cloudy, diseasey water.

Mm-mmm, these have me bloated and buzzing good.

All right, Die-heads, let's watch some strangers in danger!

I'm a high school principal.

Conquering the wild will be nothing compared to taming

a rowdy assembly. [chuckles]

-[grunting] -[wind whooshing]

-This is hard. -[Dirt] Dear Lord.

Ooh! Go-Home-Gary alert!

Go-Home-Garys are what we call the first person to tap out.

They are- and I mean this in the nicest way-

pathetic losers who bring shame to their families.

They should be exiled in disgrace

to a loud, bustling city like Indianapolis.

You guys ever think about how we would

absolutely crush this show?

Uh, yeah. The Tobin Family crest

is the perfect summation of a Dropped Off to Die winner.

[Moon] Fire-making, shelter-building,

hunting, foraging and, of course, my favorite:

long periods of isolation.

My God, if a Tobin ever won the show,

what glory it would bring to our family.

? ?

-[screams] -[laughing]

Get your ass home, Gary.

[Wolf] Hunting skills? Check.

Shelter-building skills? Check.

Chlamydia? That's a nah-mydia.

And finally, willing to die for eight grand?

For Tobin glory, hell, I'd die for free.

-[computer chimes] -Oh! Oh, my God!

Oh, wow! It's happening.

Honeybee, they're dropping me off to die!

[gasps]

Let's go!

They're dropping me off to die.

Oh, hell yeah.

They're dropping me off to die.

Your whole penis is showing, Wolf.

[chuckles] Oh, thank you.

Good morning, Santiago.

They're dropping me off to die!

Congratulations, Wolf. [gasps]

Someday, I'll die.

-They're dropping me off to- -[screams]

Oh, my God, I killed Wolf Tobin!

[panting] No one's around. Just drive, Dorothy, drive.

Good thing I didn't die,

'cause they're dropping me off to!

[Honeybee] My husband,

on TV. This must be what Tony Shalhoub's wife feels like.

-And Tony Shalhoub's brother. -I'll miss you.

But I've got a great plan for while you're gone.

I'm gonna introduce Aunt Dirt to margaritas.

I don't know this margarita gal, but I hope she's handsy.

Great idea. You can easily

lose two months to those boozy bevs.

Two months? [scoffs] You're no Go-Home-Gary.

You'll be gone for at least four.

Plus, two more for talk show appearances.

Just think of it: my son,

playing freeze tag with James Fallon.

Imagine how much he'll be laughing.

Well, I guess this is goodbye, Dad.

Wolf, I don't wish to get overly sentimental,

but when you're out there, please remember:

after a kill, you can use an animal's brain to tan a hide.

I'm about to tan my cheeks with my tears, Papa.

I made a doll of you to keep you company.

It's from my Lil Preppers lil' whittlin' skills

family portrait project.

Aw, he's so haunting.

Thanks, Moon.

[imitates Dr. Evil] I shall call him Mini-Wolf.

[laughing]

God, I'm gonna miss this man.

[horn honks outside]

[regular voice] Well, that's my ride. Wolfman out.

? ?

[Honeybee] You're gonna love margaritas.

It's the perfect blend of tequila and green liquid.

What's the big deal? I've been drunk before.

But not margarita drunk.

Fine.

Holy...

Where am I?

-Spring break. -Wow!

it feels like I'm topless but I'm not.

-That means it's working. -[man] Ho, ho, ho.

Shall we unwrap you?

Whoa! I was on a beach

and Santa and Mrs. Claus invited me to throuple?

Margaritas will do that.

And these were just a homemade ones

with cheap tequila and store-bought mix.

Wait till you try a Cadillac.

It's the Mercedes of margaritas.

Okay, Wolf, you've seen the show.

If you use that walkie to tap out, you lose.

Also, if you die, you lose and will be dead.

Here are your two video cameras to record everything you do,

and I mean everything.

-Even poo-poo? -Even poo-poo.

Three, two, one and you're dropped off to die.

Bye! Love you guys!

It's Tobin time.

-? I'm all right ? -? I'm all right ?

? Don't nobody worry 'bout me ?

? Why you got to give me a fight? ?

? Why don't you just let me be? ?

? Everybody let me be. ?

[grunts]

To the Tobins.

Dad, Ham, Honeybee, Moon, Judy,

I'm gonna do you guys proud.

[grizzled] I know you will, son.

You're my favorite.

[regular voice] Aw, thanks, Dad.

And now I won't be lonely out here.

Wow. It is quiet.

Ooh.

-[own hooting] -Aah!

[chuckles] Okay, that was just an owl.

I love owls, actually.

Sounding good out there, my man.

-[twig snaps] -Aah!

Oh, that was just a twig.

I love twigs, actually.

Snapping good out there, my man.

[quirky voice] You freaking out, freak boy?

Aah! Who said that?

Down here.

Mini-Wolf? You talk?

Oh, I talk real good.

What's up? You scared or something?

Who, me? Full-size me?

[laughs] No way.

You've, uh, camped by yourself before, right?

Yeah, sure, love camping solo.

Like the time I went with Moon or Judy or Ham

or Dad or Honeybee or, uh- Oh, boy.

I've never camped solo.

Uh, but that doesn't matter, cause I'm a Tobin.

-[owl hoots] -Aah!

Oh, there's that owl again.

Or was it the Zodiac Killer mimicking an owl?

-Why would he do that? -Why'd he do anything?

We don't know. They never caught him.

They never caught him?

Google it. Oh wait, you can't.

No cell phone, no anything.

Just hundreds of dark, silent nights ahead

to freak you out.

Aah! I'm not freaking out!

Then why are you chitchatting with my little ass?

-[cackles] -Shut up, shut up.

Oh, sorry, maybe you want to talk to your family.

Go-Home-Gary.

Aah!

You're gonna die on a local access show.

[cackles]

Stay the hell back, Snowbins!

Aah! Why did you build us

-to feel pain? -What's happening?

You got dropped off to die, didn't you, son?

Well, then, die!

Aah!

I'm tapping out, I'm tapping out!

Pick me up now or there will be blood on your hands!

I'll-I'll be a skeleton.

There will be bones on your hands!

[producer] Copy that, Wolf. Stay where you are.

-Someone's nearby. -Nearby?!

Oh, that's too far! Aah!

[groans] So thirsty.

[grunts]

Aah!

Wolf Tobin, nature has spoken.

You are officially picked up to live.

Yikes. Ten hours.

Quickest tap out in Dropped Off to Die history.

[retches]

[crying]

I drank the bad water.

[Wolf groans] Oh, man.

My family's whole thing is wilderness survival.

It's even on our gorgeous family crest.

Right. You've said that a few times.

Oh, Father's going to exile me to Indianapolis.

-It's supposed to be lovely there. -Andrew, don't.

-Do I turn in here? -No, no, no!

This is close enough. I don't want to be seen by my family,

so I'm gonna wait it out in the woods for a few years.

Okay, but you know the first episode

airs in six days, right?

We're non-union. Our editors go through hell.

I know, Andrew.

I'm gonna keep my family from seeing the show this week

by, uh, by...

Ugh, damn, I thought I'd have it by the end of that sentence.

I'll think of something.

Out here. Alone again.

[owl hoots]

Oh, uh, actually, y-you want to hang for a bit?

I'll brew us up my famous woods coffee. [weak chuckle]

Sure, as a P.A., I'm not allowed to say no.

You got to unionize, Andrew.

[Judy] I wonder what Wolf

is eating right now.

Maybe a big old pot of song sparrow stew?

Whatever it is, I'm sure he's rationing it well.

He probably ate a whole deer for lunch

and now he's just playing its ribs like a xylophone.

[scatting]

[all scatting]

What do you think he's having for dessert?

If you want to race dirt bikes, you got to pursue it, man.

Okay, okay. I-I promise I will.

-[Beef whistling a tune] -Oh, my God.

That's my dad's unmistakable ax-wielding whistle.

-[choking] -I can't let him see me.

[Andrew coughing]

Hmm?

-[shushing] -Sorry, I got a big rock

in my woods coffee.

[Beef] Hello? Who's there?

-[grunts] -If you're a tree pervert,

neither I nor my balsam poplars consent.

Oh, the woods are blown. We got to get out of here.

On three, make a break for the van.

-One... -[engine starts]

Andrew, why?

Looks like your friend deserted you.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, no.

Uh-oh, you're gonna get killed by your own daddy.

-[muffled grunt] -Show yourself.

[yelps]

Ow!

You're safe now, friends.

Huh.

That sicko wears the same sensible boot as Wolf.

[whistling a tune]

[gasps]

Out of the woods, into the concrete jungle.

What the hell does that mean?

I'm gonna hide somewhere in town.

Oh, okay. Just say that.

[Wolf] All right, Cheesecake sleeps

until 4:00 p.m. every day.

That should give us time to get in and...

-Rob your friend blind? -No.

Find a disguise and figure out my next move.

[snoring]

Well, howdy.

[gasps]

Greetings, my khaleesi.

[Southern accent] Hey, there, partner.

-What the hell? -Aah!

[regular accent] Oh, uh, uh, hi. Cheesecake.

I, uh, the thing is, uh...

Who are you? How do you know my name?

Oh, well, I'm, uh...

[Southern accent] Uh, Rick. Rick Drygoods.

We met last night at a bar,

and y'all invited me to be your roommate.

I'm a, uh, a widowed rancher who just moved to town.

That adds up.

[yawns] Well, I'm gonna go back to sleep.

-Hang on a minute. -[Wolf gasps]

Uh, yes, sir?

Condolences about your wife.

Oh, mighty kind of you.

Yeah, she's square dancing with the Lord now.

Amen.

[snoring]

Oh, thank God.

Time to start my new life as Rick Drygoods.

I got my shelter, but I'm gonna have to wrangle myself some grub

since Cheesecake here survives on free candy canes

from the car dealership.

Your friend seems like my kind of fella.

? Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick ?

? Rick, Rick, Rick ?

-? Drygoods ? -? Rick Drygoods. ?

Congrats, Rick, you work here now.

Three for the shelf, one for the self.

[Dirt] So, this is

a Cadillac, huh?

Time to go see Santa.

Cadillac margarita vibes.

Polly desire a libation?

My God, this is fancy.

-Ho, ho, hello. -[Dirt] Whoa.

That lady Easter Bunny is objectively hot.

Let's have sex.

[Wolf in Southern accent] All right, got a place

to hang my hat,

a belly full of peas,

things are going pretty good for ol' Rick.

Too bad you're not Rick.

You're Wolf and you're living a lie.

Now, I don't cotton to that kind of negative talk.

Oh, I'm sorry, did you already figure out

how to stop your family from seeing you were a Go-Home-Gary?

[regular accent] I'm still working on it.

Working on what? Just strangle 'em.

What?! What's wrong with you?

No bad ideas in a brainstorm.

Fine. I'm writing it down, but then I'm crossing it out.

Okay, but you better think of something.

Clock's ticking. Tick, tock.

? Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick! ?

[Southern accent] It's a good day to be Drygoods.

Giddyup, Rick.

Howdy, ma'am. Name's Rick Drygoods.

I'm a widowed rancher.

And I'm a "widow" bit horny.

? Why you got to give me a fight? ?

? Why don't you just let me be? ?

? Do what you like ?

? Doing it naturally ?

? But if it's too... ?

-[laughing] -Three more miles

to Russell Crowe's private island.

-[cheering] -Ho, ho, ho, ho!

Rick Drygoods. Pleasure.

Someday, I'll be Rick Drygoods.

? Isn't it a mystery? ?

? If it's nobody's business ?

? It's everybody's game... ?

-[grunts] -Oh, my God!

I killed that widowed rancher! Drive, Dorothy, drive.

Nice wagon, lil' lady.

[Ham] Um, excuse me, sir.

-No, no, no! [grunts] -Aah!

Sorry about that. Uh, thought you were a-a bandit.

How can I help y'all?

Well, we're toasting to my brother kicking butt

on a TV show tonight, and I'm looking for the sparkling cider.

It used to be here.

Uh, cider's down there on aisle six.

Easy number to remember

'cause that's how many bullets are in a revolver.

-Thanks. -You're welcome, Ham.

[chuckles] How'd you know my name?

Oh, uh, I was actually talking to that ham yonder.

Oh, sure. Hello, ham yonder.

[gasps] Well, it's, uh, mosey o'clock.

Y'all come back now, you hear?

-I will. Bye. -[sniffs]

Huh. That new widowed ranch hand in town

wears the same sensible deodorant as Wolf. [sighs]

Something very familiar about that fella.

Follow me to the cider. It's on aisle... [mumbles]

Oh, crap. How many bullets does a revolver have again?

[Wolf in regular accent] Oh, dang.

I'm officially out of ideas.

-And the show starts tonight. -[Cheesecake] Come on.

[grunts]

[Southern accent] Uh, what seems to be the trouble, hombre?

Aw, it's the dang satellite dish. It's out again.

[regular accent] Oh, my God, that's it!

That's what I'll do!

Wait, no I lost it. Wait, no I got it again.

All right, time to ditch the dish.

You know, after this, we should do some more crazy crap.

I'm calling it Project Chaos.

Ugh, for the last time, we're not doing Project Chaos.

We don't have to decide now.

That's the beauty of Project Chaos.

[muffled grunt]

[grunts]

[panting]

Damn, that man can steep a bag.

Uh, oh, my enemy: daddy longlegs!

[grunts]

[exclaims, grunts]

Ew, ew, ew! Why are their legs so long?

And now I simply...

[whoops] I did it! Problem solved!

Aah! Aah!

[Beef] All right, everybody,

let's get down to the gazebo

-for the viewing party. -[door closes]

I heard the whole town's coming out,

even Gerald the male witch who lives by the dump.

Do you think Wolf's gonna remember us after this?

No way, and it will be an honor to be forgotten by him.

[engine starts]

[van drives away]

Viewing party? For the whole town?

Oh, no.

I guess there's only one thing left to do.

You better not say, "Face your fears and admit your shame."

I hate that kind of crap.

I hate that crap, too, so I'm not doing it.

We're stealing a snow machine, going into town,

and taking out the power grid. Aah!

[Judy] Wow, front row?

My neck's gonna get messed up!

Oh, there's Rick from Val-U-Buy.

He helped me find sparkling cider when I'd lost all hope.

Howdy, Mr. Drygoods. It's me, the other Ham.

Huh, Rick uses the same sensible bolt cutters as I do.

And that's Wolf's snow machi-

Oh, I see.

I'm sorry, local hospitals.

-Hey there, cowboy. -[gasps] Oh, no.

Yes! It's finally strangling time.

[Southern accent] Well, hey there Dad. Um, uh, "Dad"

is what we call strangers on the-the range.

Oh, well in that case. Hello, Dad, back at you.

I couldn't help but notice you pointing those bolt cutters

right at the Lone Moose power grid.

Uh, power grid? What in the west?

Project Chaos his ass. [muffled grunts]

It seems like you were about to cut the power to the whole town.

And, well, you see, we need that power grid

for tonight's Dropped Off To Die viewing party.

My son, Wolf Tobin, is on it.

Well, he sounds like a someone

who definitely isn't me. [chuckles]

Oh, of course. I'm just concerned

Wolf may have tapped out of the show

and gone into hiding out of shame.

Sounds like a big chicken. [clucks]

I just hope he knows his family isn't ashamed of him.

Wait, so you wouldn't be ashamed

even if he was a pathetic Go-Home-Gary?

I mean, i-if your son can't be alone in the wilderness,

is he even really a Tobin?

Uh, what about the family crest?

That crest hasn't been updated since the 1800s.

And I can assure you, Rick Drygoods,

my son Wolf is a Tobin through and through.

[crying] Really? [sniffles]

Sorry. Was just thinking of my wife Jinny-Belle's grave.

So, what do you think this son of yours ought to do?

Uh, I'll tell him if I bump into him on a cattle run.

Well, from my experience,

shame loses its power once we embrace it.

Now, that's a lick of wisdom.

Thank you, Mr. Dad.

Good evening, Lone Moose, and welcome to our screening

of Dropped Off To Die featuring local hero-

Hold your hot horny horses!

Hey, that's my roommate.

Oh, uh, good evening, Mr. Drygoods. I-

And to you as well, there, Mr. Mayor.

Mind if I hitch my wagon to your microphone and say a few words?

-Oh, um, uh, well, I- -Thank you.

Thanks, everyone, for your big ol' tractor

of a welcome this week.

But I, uh, have to tell y'all something.

I'm not Rick Drygoods.

[regular accent] I'm Wolf Tobin.

-[audience gasps] -[Wolf] My wife is alive and well.

-What?! -What is going on?

Why are you telling people your wife's dead?

Well, the truth is I've been home for a while,

hiding because I tapped out of Dropped Off To Die.

Wolf is Rick Drygoods?!

Yes, Ham. And I'm sorry I lied.

A wise dad just told me if I stopped

hiding from the shame, maybe I'd take away its power.

So, now you know, and I hope you enjoy the show.

? ?

I'm Donna Nouget, and I'm a manager at Walmart.

Surviving the wilderness will be nothing

compared to wrangling carts in the parking lot.

Hi my name's Wolf Tobin, and I'm a Tobin from Lone Moose.

[audience cheering]

-To the Tobins, I'm gonna do you guys proud. -[all] Aw.

-[Wolf] Stay the hell back, Snowbins! -[laughing]

[Wolf] There'll be bones on your hands!

[laughing]

I drank the bad water.

[cheering]

[audience chanting] Wolf! Wolf!

Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!

Me? Me? Me?

You guys liked that?

-I loved it! -[all clamoring]

Wolf, I need to get your autograph for my niece.

And one for me.

Someday, I'll sign an autograph for a niece.

I just want to say again

thanks for not being ashamed of me, fam.

Ashamed? That was hilarious.

You brought joy to dozens.

Huh. The satellite seems to be out.

He's on to us. Time to burn the house down. [cackles]

Hey, Moon, you mind sanding down some of the edges on this?

You got it.

No. Not my edges. Don't sand my little ass!

? Jinny-Belle, oh, Jinny-Belle, pretty as a peach ?

? Sweet as pure molasses, always fighting geese ?

? Jinny-Belle, oh, Jinny-Belle, my sweet darling bride ?

? You distrusted apples, wouldn't keep 'em inside ?

? When we met at the hoedown, you gave me a chance ?

? Terrified of music, but you sure loved to dance ?

? Jinny-Belle, oh, Jinny-Belle, lovely, never plain ?

? Always holding metal, especially in the rain ?

? Jinny-Belle, oh, Jinny-Belle, you loved flying kites ?

-? So, you're right by a cliff- ? -[shrieks]

? Dang! now I am widowed. ?

Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0