Original subtitles

[♪]

Announcer: Last week on married with children,

The bundys went on vacation,

And got stranded in lucifer, new mexico.

[all spit]

They met an old prospector

Who offered to trade them his gold mine

For the family's old dodge.

Dodge is a damn fine car.

Ran over my wife with a dodge.

Then the prospector warned them

Gold can turn families against each other.

So it'd be just like my life now,

Except I'd have gold in both fists,

And I'd be saying "yippee, yippee."

With al's car, and marcie's and jefferson's money,

They bought the mine and set out to strike it rich.

Well, the plot's simple enough.

And now, married with children continues.

See, son...

I saved us some money already.

We didn't need no pack mules.

[all laughing]

[grunts]

Could somebody help us out?

Well, sure, honey.

Come on, you can make it! Come on.

Go!

Jefferson: Come on! You can do it!

Al: Hurry it up now! Just a couple more steps!

Jefferson: Thattaway! There you go!

Hey, all right. That wasn't so tough.

Now, let's unpack all these picks and shovels,

And the rest of this western crap...

And start digging!

Daddy, it is so hot,

You could lay an egg on the sidewalk.

Look, al...We just got done lugging

All the mining supplies, plus your necessities.

You know, two 12-packs of aurora white...

A newspaper,

And the preparation h with sunscreen.

We want a rest.

Rest?

There's still three hours of--

Of 100,000-degree daylight left.

Now, come on, let's go to work. Let's go to work.

[claps] let's go, marcie.

There's gold in them thar hills.

Let's get off our duffs.

Thank you, honey.

Now, would you bend over and give me a target?

You know, al, I've been thinking.

I believe we should all just take a little rest.

[laughing] oh. You tenderfeet.

Do you realize where we're standing?

Well, I don't know about us,

But you're standing in coyote doodie.

Aside from that.

Now, look here.

We're in the wild, wild west.

And I wanna see a little pioneer spirit.

I wanna see me a little gumption.

I wanna see me a little-- ladybug.

Get it off me. Get it off me!

[all screaming]

[sighs]

Now, look here.

I'm sick of your female whining.

Yeah! Yeah!

Now, we have a chance to get rich here.

He who dares, wins.

He who seeks, finds.

He who digs...

Golds.

Now, peg...

We've seen it with our own eyes.

There's nuggets in this here mine

As big as your mother's behind.

And-- and just like your mother's behind,

It's there for the taking...

By anyone with the courage to reach out and grab it.

Now, I feels like getting rich.

How many of you mangy varmints are with me?

I'm with you! [all shouting]

Let's go! Come on.

Okay. Okay!

Pull that cup down.

Al: All right, good.

Now, if anybody needs me,

I, uh...Got a little work to do myself.

Would you look at him?

And we followed him.

What were we thinking?

He's never found anything, you know.

Not even change in the street.

He can barely find his ear with his finger.

Yeah.

Or chew gum at the same time.

[laughs]

Should she be out in the sun?

Hey, peg, look! It's a flip-top lid!

[laughs] it was in there.

Good, baby.

Uh, I am dying of thirst.

[sighs]

Ah.

Anyone else want some water?

It's not water. It's sweat.

Eureka.

O, mighty one in the heavens,

Who created the mountains, the seas and beer...

40 years of plague and darkness,

And now finally a light.

A golden light.

It's gold.

What'd you find, al?

Nothing.

You know, this may be just a hunchback,

But I think daddy found something.

Oh, my--

It's gold, all right! Oh, my--

The bozo found gold!

All: We're rich!

[all shouting indistinctly]

Get out of there!

Hey. What are you doing?

Hey, hey! I found it first!

It's so good to be alone with you, baby.

Oh. I could hold you like this forever.

[hums]

This is for the apartment.

This is for the corvette.

And this is for miss February.

[giggling]

Is this gold?

N-no, honey. [sighs]

Darn it, I haven't found any real gold.

I'll take that! Hey!

I-if we found this much in three hours,

Imagine how much we'll find tomorrow.

Oh, god! We're actually rich.

What are you gonna do with your share, marcie?

I'm gonna share mine with the poor.

[laughs]

No, really.

What are you gonna do with yours?

I'm gonna buy a seal coat,

A diamond car with condor floor mats,

And a bald eagle hat.

[both laughing]

What about you, honey?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I have everything I want, and...

Everyone I want.

Hm.

By the way...

Would you be upset if I got a place of my own?

Hey, dad.

I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna get me a place

Right next to the old playboy mansion.

You know, hef's parties might have died down by now,

But, uh, he can still sneak over the fence

And get some young stuff at club bud.

[chuckles]

Here, let me get that spittle for you, son.

Kelly.

What about you, dear?

Is this gold?

No, pumpkin.

[clicks tongue]

I'll take that too, peg! No, no. I got it! No!

[screaming]

My eye! All right! My eye!

Oh, peg. Ahh!

What about you, peggy? What are you going to do?

Oh, I don't know. I--

Probably make a few changes. Ha-ha.

[clears throat]

Sorry I'm late.

Oh, that's all right, sweetheart.

Just take your shirt off and put it on the moose head.

You know, maybe, uh,

Redecorate or something.

What about you, honey?

Honey?

And so...That's how I defeated the robots

In the first intergalactic super bowl.

So, what do you wanna do now, girls?

We'd just like to serve you,

Beautiful one.

[giggles]

Well...What's on the menu?

Massage?

Whipped cream bath?

Spanking?

Horsy ride?

Or shall we go back in our cages

And frug for you again?

Well, girls...

It's your dream.

Sorry I'm late.

Oh, that's all right, dear.

Just hang up your robe on the moose head.

[laughing]

Oh, you know me, peg.

I probably won't even get off the couch.

Hey. I have an idea.

How about if we all put

Our gold together in one sack,

And then we divvy it up when we get home?

[scoffs]

Gee, that's a great idea for you, kelly.

You have nothing.

Yeah. I work harder than you.

Why should I give you my gold?

Because...

I'm your daughter.

Well, y-- and you always will be, pumpkin, but...

You ain't gonna have no gold.

Hey, dad.

Didn't that old prospector

Warn us all about greed?

Fine. Then you give kelly some of your gold.

Yeah.

Catch you at the mission, babe.

All right. Look. Here's what we should do.

Some of us are obviously working harder than others.

So I say what everybody finds, everybody keeps.

We're all responsible for our own goods.

That makes sense.

Well said, honey.

Touch my gold again, and I'll slap you silly.

All right, let's all turn in. All right.

[twig snaps]

Al: Ah! Ah!

Oh.

Must have been a coyote.

Yeah.

Must have been.

Good night. Night.

Good night. Good night.

[whispers] al.

[whispers] what?

I think we should kill marcie and jefferson.

Peg, listen to what you're saying.

They can work for days and gather more gold.

And then...

If they should accidentally walk

In front of my rifle...

[both laugh]

Oh, you're so smart, honey.

Yeah. Ah, good night. Good night.

[al sighs] good night.

[whispers] al.

[whispers] what?

I don't trust the kids.

What are you guys talking about over there?

Nothing. Nothing.

You're not gonna kill us, are you?

Now, we wouldn't do that.

We love you.

We love you guys too. Huh.

We gotta get that shotgun

Away from dad.

We will. We will.

All in due time.

We love you guys!

We're dead.

Kelly...

That's not real gold.

Darn it. I never get any real gold.

Get this away from me.

Stupid.

[snap] [gasps]

[groans]

[whispers] al!

[whispers] what?

There's a deadly tarantula

Crawling on your arm.

[laughs] yeah, right.

I get up to check,

A shovel crushes the back of my skull...

And my gold is gone.

I'm not falling for that one, peg.

Okay, honey. Good night.

Good night.

[whimpers]

[whining] peg...

There's a tarantula on me.

I need some help here.

You didn't believe me.

I'm not speaking to you.

I believe you. I believe you.

Too late.

Hey, what's going on?

[whimpering]

Daddy has a tarantula on his arm.

Wow! Look at that thing.

Dibs on dad's gold!

Hey. I know how we could save daddy. Huh?

[al screams]

Kelly.

Don't.

You might hurt daddy.

We'll shoot it off him.

Yeah.

Daddy...Give us your gun.

No. But I'll give you both barrels

If you don't get this monster off my arm...

Oh. I'll take care of this, you big baby.

[al continues whimpering]

I can't believe it. It's just a stupid spider.

[whimpering] oh, peg.

[screams]

Oh! It's hot! Oh, it's hot!

Oh. Oh, god!

Get his gold!

[all yelling]

Bud: Gold! Gold! Gold!

[al screams]

Well, I guess we've

Played this mine out.

Time to get our gold

And go home.

Ha-ha-ha. Where's daddy?

Gee, I don't know. I--

I haven't seen him since he went insane.

Here he comes.

I killed this squirrel for looking at my gold.

Good work, dad.

Uh, al...

Hm?

I think dad's shoe-selling days are just about over.

I think dad's shoe-wearing days

Are just about over.

Y-you know...

We can't very well take him home like this...

Can we?

Huh. I-I know I'm the new guy,

But if I have a vote...

I'd say kill him.

Al: I heard that!

It wasn't me, it was marcie!

You all think I'm nuts! But I'm not!

Hold on, mister! Don't move!

Ho!

Well, it's not like he was once a whole man.

[bushes rustling]

Claim jumpers! Oh.

The old prospector

Warned us about these guys.

Huh. Just act natural.

What are you people doing here?

Hm?

We're, uh--

We're seeing america.

We're loving each other.

[cocks gun]

What do you want?

Well, this is the third stop

On the hell hole national park tour.

What kind of exhibit is this?

We can see these kind of people in miami.

Don't worry, folks.

We'll clean out the bigfoot family in a second.

Grab your pans

And share the forty-niner experience.

Yeah? Grab your butts and kiss 'em goodbye.

We own this here mine.

We bought it...

From some old guy...

Looked like john byner.

Oh, old zeke.

Is he still selling fake mines to rubes?

Look, son, this is a national park.

And what you've got there is fool's gold.

We salt the mines for the rubes--

Uh, tourists.

But if it would make you feel better,

You can each carry a nugget home...

Because fun and rocks are what we're all about

At hell hole national park.

Thanks a lot, al.

Four days in this intense heat

For nothing.

You are truly a numskull!

Dimwit. Total thief.

Cretin!

Bombastic simpleton.

And a bad, bad daddy.

[sobbing] we don't have any gold.

Now, listen. Listen.

Now, I came here to get real gold.

And I ain't leaving

Till I get real gold.

[all howling greedily]

Man [on radio]: Under the heading, "isn't that bizarre,"

Today's story comes from new mexico,

Where an inbred, insane family--

A man with two wives and three sons

--Held up a group of tourists.

They left them with cash and diamonds.

All the family said they wanted was gold.

The reportedly stole an old dodge

From a prospector who looked like john byner,

And were last seen heading west

Towards los angeles.

Do not approach them.

They are insane...

Unbathed

And dangerous.

What time is it, gang?

All: Five after 3!

[all laugh]

[♪]