All language subtitles for Married with Children S05E17 NTSC DVD DD2.0 x264-Hype_track3_[eng]

[♪]

[sighs]

[approaching footsteps]

[sniffs]

Ah!

The ever-lilting fragrance
of "eau de bring 'em all on."

Must be Friday, kel,
'cause if it was Saturday,

It would be
"essence de free clinique."

Gee, bud, it's date night.

Shouldn't you be upstairs
practicing your french kissing

On your stuffed
ninja turtle doll?

Saying...

[with french accent]
"oh, donatello,
your shell is so soft."

Aren't we testy?

Ah.

Could it be that, uh,
your date isn't

The only thing
that's late?

He'll be here.

I've had guys crawling
on their bellies

Out of flaming auto wrecks
to go out with me.

Kelly...
[sighs]

...You might as well hear it
from someone who loves you.

You're hagged out.

Finished. Over.

But keep
your chins up, kel.

Plenty of guys
will still call you.

They'll just call you,
"hey, waitress."

"hey, you
with the broom."

"hey, thief."

Oh, save it,
zit-tac-toe.

Your words
fall off me

Like water off
a duck's quack.

Now, there is nothing wrong
with a guy being a little late.

Doesn't mean anything.

Kelly, you're home.

Oh, my god.

You've been stood up.

Oh.

My poor baby.

I'll tell you what.

We'll get some ovaltine,
watch the home shopping network,

And I'll order you
a clapper.

[claps twice]

Peg:
Hi, al.

Honey, kelly's been stood up.

Must bring back memories
for you, huh, peg?

Anyway, I was driving home--
god knows why

--And hear this old song on
the radio that I used to love,

But I can't remember the name.

Now, why is it whenever
a song comes on the radio,

And you're waiting
to hear them name it,

It's always number six
of 40 in a row?

Well, stick
with it, honey.

You figured out how
to flush the toilet,

You'll figure
this one out.

This is a burning question
of our time,

And I will not have it
trivialized by a woman

Who thinks the tv show
hunter is engrossing.

Anyhow, the dj
finally comes on,

And instead of telling me
the name of my song...

He goes on and on about some
massive pile-up on the freeway.

[whiny voice]
"twelve dead, 12 dead."

Then he kicks off
about 500 in a row

With bobby goldsboro's musical
sphincter lock known as "honey."

Oh, god.

This is what it's like being
home on a Friday night?

Bud, bud.
Come here.

Now, listen to this
very carefully

And tell me the name
of the song.

♪ hm-hm-him ♪

I don't know what it is, dad,
but if you get the name,

Me and the gang would
sure like to boogie to it.

Get out of
my way.

Peg.

Peg, you're old.
You know it.

♪ hm-hm-him ♪

Clip your nose
hairs, al.

When you were
humming,

It looked like
a squid

Was trying to reach out
and grab the kids.

Gee, none of my,
uh--

None of my family was
any help to me. How unusual.

Al, must we be
the spit bucket

In the early-round
knockout

That is
your life?

As usual, you need
professional help.

So why don't you just call
the oldies station, k-fossil...

And ask the dj?

I already called.

I got rick cool
himself.

Gee, rick cool,
huh?

Did bobby 23 skiddoo
quit?

[inaudible dialogue]

Al, the suspense
is boring us.

Tell us
what he said.

He said:

"the colors. The colors.

Has anybody seen
my good friend john?"

And he lit up a banana.
And then he hung up.

♪ hm-hm-him ♪

Damn! Right on the tip
of my tongue.

Well, then it doesn't
have long to live.

[chuckles]

I must have that song.

Maybe it's on the b-side
of a record I already have.

Peg, where's
my record collection

That I spent
my entire youth building?

Well, they were
cluttering up your closet,

So I moved them downstairs
next to the furnace.

Good thinking.

Because nothing brings out
the luster of original records

Better than intense,
searing heat.

Lousy, redheaded,
life-sucking mosquito.

[doorbell
rings]

That's my date,
tell him I am not home.

Why don't you
tell him?

Good idea.

I am not home.

Oh. Then is it okay
if I wait?

Mom.

If my "mixed-up at the hospital"
theory is correct...

I'd say we just found
kelly's natural brother.

So just where were you

While I was wasting
my life away with my family?

Well, I wanted to
get you something nice.

Garfield spoils the picnic.

That crazy cat gets
into everything,

From the potato salad
to the sack races.

No boy's ever brought me
literature before.

Well, my family believes:
"say it with words."

I just have to
get my bag.

Oh, by the way,

This is my mom

And, uh...The troll
that lives under our house.

Well, it's nice
to meet you.

And, uh...

Excuse me, sir,
I was just wondering...

Doesn't it get lonely
under the house?

Um...

Not when you have
a bell and a hat.

Hi. I'm peggy. And I know
what you're thinking.

How could a woman barely
out of high school herself

Possibly be the mother
to a teenage daughter? Heh-heh.

Actually, I was
wondering if

We had trolls
under my building.

I mean,
sometimes I hear noises.

My dad says it's the pipes,
but now I wonder.

Look.

I am not a troll.

I'm a boy, you idiot.

Well, I-- I just
"poured" through

My record collection,
literally.

Vinnie:
Uh, hi, mr. Bundy.

Vinnie.

Vinnie verducci,
charlie's boy.

Peg, you remember
charlie.

Charlie. You met him
at our wedding.

Oh, yes. A lovely man.

When you see your father,

Ask him if he's done with
my mother's cigarette lighter.

You know, in defense of your
father, she was bending over.

He might have thought that,
you know, someone had left it

In the folds of a couch.

Bud, you oughta start
hanging around with this guy.

The girls can't keep
their hands off him.

[giggles]

What brings you here?

He's taking kelly out.

[al chuckles]

Touch her, and I'll hang
you with your own colon.

Hey, kel, come here.

Five bucks says this guy
won't even touch you.

You're on.

No guy has ever gone out
with me and not touched me.

Vinnie, I'm ready.

[chuckles]

♪ hm-hm-him ♪

♪ hm-hm-him ♪

Well, honey, we're
finally alone. Heh.

I know what would
take your mind

Off that record
for a minute.

You could make love
to me four times.

[chuckles]

Peg, when I said
I was after an oldie,

I meant, "but a goody."

Now, surely there must be
someone around here

Old enough to know
that song.

Hi, peggy.
Hi.

Listen, jefferson and I are
thinking of going to the movies.

Well, I don't think
we can go with you.

Well, we didn't want you
to come with us.

But we need to know
what's playing,

And al stole our paper again.

How'd you know
it's me?

We found one of your straws
in our sparkletts bottle.

Hey, listen,
while you're here...

Let me-- let me ask you
a question. Um...

See if you can--
see if you can name this song.

♪ hm-hm-him ♪

You know,
when he hums,

The hair in his ears
moves in and out

Like a child's
party favor.

Oh, yeah, and the-- and the nose
hairs, they sort of spread

Like a geisha-girl fan.

[al chuckles]

That's right. Keep dancing
on the minefield.

Now, concentrate.

♪ hm-hm-him ♪

"itsy bitsy spider"?
No.

"go tell pharaoh."
no!

Come on.

This is a song
from my youth.

"look, it's a wheel"?

Peg, honey,

Before we're all
knee-deep in your blood,

Um, why don't you go
over by the radio

And listen to see
if they play my song.

You are just determined

To win that nobel "putz" prize
this year, aren't you, honey?

Listen, I have
the perfect plan

To figure
this whole thing out.

Now, what we'll do is,
we'll just sit here,

And we'll name every song that
was ever made until we get it.

Now, I'll start.

"mandy."

Uh... "dem bones,
dem bones, dem--"

Oh, shut up.

I told you never
to play with this man.

Now, give it up, al.

I'm sure there is
no such song.

It's probably
a shoe hallucination.

I mean, your face is
in feet all day long,

Something's
gotta give.

Why not something fragile,
like your mind?

It is a song.
Rick cool played it.

I heard it.

And I will find it
or die trying.

Peg, have they played
the song yet?

Shh!

Woman [on radio]:
Our next call on why me?

Comes once again
from peggy b.,

Calling from
the bundy household.

You're on, peggy.
What's al done this time?

Well, he heard a song,

And he can't remember
the name of it,

So he's holding me
and the neighbors hostage.

Help us!

Help us! He's mad,
I tell you! Mad--

Mad, am I?

I'm not doing anything
any rational man wouldn't do.

Now, you get that oldies
station back on,

Or the walls will be
your tombs.

All of you!

Oh, come on, al.

The chances of them playing
that song are a million-to-one--

Man [on radio]:
♪ go with him ♪

"go with him!"

"go with him!"

"go with him."
"go with him."

That must be
the name of my song.

Dj [on radio]:
Groovy song, wasn't it?

You know, a lot of people think
the name of that song

Is "go with him,"

But it's not!

What is it?
What is it?

Well, here's our third song
of 5000 in a row.

We're going for
the world's record:

Two full years
of uninterrupted music.

This is rick cool,
the fifth monkee,

Heading home to his depressing
studio apartment

On the po' side of town.

Women:
♪ he's rick cool ♪

♪ for the middle-aged ♪

[both laughing]

Hey, look, garfield got
his whiskers full of mayonnaise.

[both laughing]

Uh-oh.
Here come the ants.

[chuckles]

Oh, enough.

I want to talk to you.

[laughing]
oh, look.

The ants are carrying off
the "la-sag-nee."

[both laughing]

Oh, grab her.

You've got worse
beatings for less.

What are you
looking at me for?

If I wasn't
so tiny,

I'd be wild-thinging her
myself.

You really think so?

Both:
Go. Go. Go. Go.

Go. Go. Go.

Go. Go. Go.

[chuckles]

[buck barks]

[al mumbling]

Oh, I hate
my life.

Can't eat, can't sleep,

Can't bury the wife
in the back yard.

I'm beside myself
with depression.

Did you ever have anything

You were so close to,

It was literally
on the tip of your tongue,

But you just couldn't
quite get it?

Yes.
Yes.

Al. Honey.

If you're gonna bring
preparation h to bed,

Could you at least remember
to put the top back on.

I mean, god,
it just takes me forever

To scrub it out of the sheets
with your toothbrush.

I got bigger things
on my mind now, peg.

That song is
haunting me.

You know, mr. Bundy,

If you're really
looking for a record,

My father knows
every oldie ever made.

Oh. No, al.
Please.

If my feelings
mean anything to you,

You will not invite
that man to my home.

♪ go with him ♪

Mighty familiar, al.

You came to the right guy.

Do you know the song?

No.

But I do know
the complete theme

To the patty duke show.

♪ well, they're cousins ♪

♪ identical cousins
all their lives ♪

♪ they walk alike
they talk alike-- ♪

And why not?
They're both patty duke.

Gee, charlie.

You're still the same clown
prince of unemployment

You were when those shoes
and shirt were in style.

It's that cigarette
lighter

That I found in a couch
at your wedding, right?

Let-- let me explain
about that.

Ya see, to you, that lighter
was just a sterling silver,

Antique cigarette lighter

With your mother's
initials on it,

In pure gold
with one diamond.

But to me, it was
a keepsake of the memory

Of the most beautiful
bride I'd ever seen.

A memory that remained
with me

Long after
I hocked the lighter.

And if I may say so,
peggy...

That beauty has not
faded one bit.

Really, charlie?

That's so sweet.

Hey.

It's right
from the heart.

I mean, when I look
in your face,

The only words
that come to my mind are:

Final vinyl.
[snaps]

That's the store you have to
go to get that record, al.

Final vinyl.

Peg, didn't I tell you
that this man was great?

Oh, uh, by the way,
charlie, uh...

How about that 20 bucks
you owe me?

You know, it's
only been 10 years.

I must take
my leave now.

Come, vincent.

Goodbye to you,
al...

And to your two
lovely daughters.

Charlie.

Yes, enchantress?

My watch.

I was gonna get it
engraved for you.

Till we meet again.

Did you get anything?
No.

Too bad. They got
some nice stuff.

"green door"
by jim lowe.

♪ mm-hm-mm
with the hm and a knife ♪

"wolverton mountain,"
claude king. Aisle three.

♪ mmm-mm-mm flown
yeah ♪

"any day now," chuck jackson.
Aisle four.

Peg, this guy's
a genius.

We're home.

♪ go with him ♪

Never heard of it.

Next.

What a surprise.

Thank you.

Not even this, huh?

What is it?

Is oprah right?

Are you a big, fat woman?

All I wanted was a 45--
a stinking 45

--The record or the gun.

I'll even settle
for the damn malt liquor.

Just this once can you show
that you can love even al bundy?

Man [on jukebox]:
♪ go with him ♪

♪ ah-ahh ♪

♪ but anna ♪

That's it!
That's my song!

Thank you,
thank you.

Uh-- I'll be back for
only one more request.

It involves
a thunderbolt and, uh--

That's my song!
That's my song.

That's "anna."
"anna" on the jukebox.

I want it.
How much is it?

Well, since you're
a good customer,

And obviously a ranting,
raving loon,

You can have it
for $60.

Sixty dollars?

For a record?

Hey, look, you must look
at my husband and mistake crazy

For stupid.

He is not paying you
$60 for a record.

And if he does,
I will kiss your--

Peg, this is the best
$60 I ever spent.

Except for the day
before the day I met you,

This is the happiest day
of my life.

Peg, I'm going to play
this record over and over again

Until my ears bleed.

Honey, where's
my record player?

With all your stuff.

In a box in the corner
of the basement.

Uh, honey. Come with me
while I get it.

I want to
share my joy.

After you, my love.

Well, at least you're acting
like a gentleman.

Just not sure why.

[screams]

[crash]

Thank you,
honey.

Uh, I-I couldn't remember
which step was loose.

Well, another
great night.

Look. You have
to tell me right now.

Why do you keep asking
your shoulders

If you should go for it?

I mean, are they
magic shoulders?

If shoulders are talking
about me,

I have a right to know.

No. There's nothing
on my shoulder.

Some say
not even my head.

[chuckles]

But I digest.

Nothing.

'tis just as the poet said:

'twas the wind.

No.

'twas the raven.

No.

Actually,
'twas a quoth.

Oh, enough.

If I wanted intelligent
conversation,

I'd still be dating
my teachers.

Now, kiss me,
or I will kill you.

Now, that didn't
hurt, did it?

No.

Actually, it ranks
right up there

With finding money
in the street.

Well, then, what
took you so long?

Well...

Actually, I was afraid
of your father.

But as we all learned

From that moving
jimmy piersall story,

You've nothing to fear,
but fear strikes out.

Churchill, I believe.
Mm.

And besides,
your father likes me.

I think we're gonna be
great friends.

[♪]