Original subtitles

[♪]

Well, all right, mom.

I guess we've talked about everyone we care about, heh,

So there's no one left to talk about.

Al?

Al who?

Oh. Oh, al.

[chuckles]

Well, he's mad because there's a streetlight out

And there's a pothole right in front of the driveway.

Yeah, so naturally, I have to be alert for when he comes home.

Well, when he beeps his horn, I'm supposed to run out there

And shine this flashlight

So that he doesn't hit the pothole.

[horn honks]

No. I don't mind doin' those little things for him.

[horn honks]

You know, I mean, he is my husband.

[crash]

[horn blaring]

Well, mom, I better be goin'.

Al will be home any minute.

Okay. Bye.

Hi, honey.

Why'd you bring the steering wheel into the house?

Well, I figured since it isn't attached to the car anymore,

I thought maybe you'd like to cook it up for dinner.

By the way...

I beeped, you know.

Liar.

You know, you always do that,

Say you did something when you really didn't.

And it's not just sex either.

Peg, when you married me,

Was it premeditated or a drive-by marriage?

What difference does it make?

I missed.

Well, look, at least, did you call the city

And tell them about the pothole and the light?

Al, I told you I would do that

When I got off the phone with mom.

I asked you that this morning.

Well, I just got off the phone with her.

Thank you, my little "air ball at the buzzer."

Thankfully, I anticipated

Your chimpanzee-like attention to detail,

And I composed this little letter

To the city.

Well, gee. Where'd you find time to do that?

Wasn't today "dusting the black loafers" day?

[chuckles]

Ah, homework. Can a man have too much fun?

Now, tell me how this sounds.

See, the key to dealing with the city is that

You have to subtly influence their way of thought

By using the most diplomatic language.

"dear maggots and foul bureaucrats...

...I pay taxes."

They'll never check.

"you grafting pigs use my money to wine and dine cheap bimbos,

"never once thinking to share them with the rest of us.

"so please fix the hole in my driveway

"and the streetlight above it,

"and for the thousandth time,

"please...

"annul my marriage.

Signed, a voter."

They'll never check.

[sighs]

Mom, dad, I am in love.

He is the greatest guy that I have ever met.

Oh, right.

That's why you're home at 9:00.

Well, he likes to get me home because he is a gentleman.

And he cares about me because I am a nice girl.

[both laughing]

Kelly, it's not that we don't believe you,

It's just that... We don't believe in love.

That's why our marriage works.

[both laughing]

That's enough now, peg.

Oh, but, honey, maybe love will work for you.

[snickers]

Go ahead, tell us all about him.

Well, there isn't really much to tell.

A-a-a-ahem, a-a-ahem, a-a-ahem.

Once again my dear sister is prone to understatement.

But if you want this reporter's opinion,

I shall now open the bidding at, uh, $10.

Shut up, bud. He's not that old.

Okay. Spill your guts.

He's 41.

You are dating a man old enough to be my father?

Peg, she's not dating lincoln.

Now, pumpkin, sit over here next to daddy.

Honey, just how much have you loved this man?

Daddy, you know I'm not that kind of girl.

A-a-a-ahem--

Ahem...

Now, don't get the wrong idea.

He's not like you.

He's a young 41.

I mean, he can still get out of a chair

Without going, "ugh, agh, ugh."

And he's really sweet.

You know what he calls me?

His "little squeeze toy."

[laughing]

[chuckling]

Gee, I'd love to meet him.

You'll be nice to him, won't you, daddy?

Uh, don't worry, pumpkin,

I'll show him the same kind of respect

That any father would show a 41-year-old man

Who dates his teenage daughter.

Daddy, you're the best.

[chuckling]

Now, look, I've been on hold for three hours,

Listening to the muzak version of "muskrat love."

Now, I voted for mayor...

Mccheese or whatever his name is...

...And I will wait no longer.

Now, I have a streetlight out and a pothole.

I want you to put down your nail polish

And sashay your fat bureaucratic behind...

That's right, your fat bureaucratic behind

Into his honor's office

And you tell him that al bundy is on the--

Hello?

Hello, operator? This is al bundy.

I would--

Hello?!

[sobbing]

Am I truly nothing?

Could the neighborhood children be right?

Gee, what's the matter, honey?

Well, I called the mayor's office,

And as soon as I told them I was al bundy--

Where's the tv guide?

[door closes]

Oh, honey,

That's probably kelly with her new boyfriend.

Come on. Take care of him fast, like you do me.

Mom, dad? This is harry.

Kill him, honey.

I didn't know kelly had a sister.

Oh. Wait a second.

Towel off, peg.

Hi, harry. Uh...

Would you lift your chin up

And move it slightly to the right, please?

You know, you got quite a pothole in front, al.

Yeah, I know. It's just about to be filled.

Why don't you let me take care of it for ya?

This is harry ashland.

Look, there's a pothole

In front of 9764 jeopardy lane.

I want it fixed right away.

Consider it taken care of.

[scoffs] yeah, right.

I been callin', I been writin' letters.

There's no way in the world the city's gonna be--

[jackhammer rattling]

Hey, look, everybody.

It's the city. They're workin'.

Peg, they're fixi'' my pothole.

They must've got one of my letters!

I knew I could do it!

Have a banana, al.

How'd you do that?

I'm an alderman.

That's a priest.

No, actually, it's like a city councilman.

Well, then, why did you want me to call you "father"?

Never mind that now.

Wait a second. I recognize this guy.

Hey, you're the guy

Everyone says is gonna be the future mayor.

Well... Uh, gee, al...

Don't ya think it might be against the law

To go beatin' up somebody-- shut up, peg.

[chuckles] harry...

I got a streetlight out.

I'd hate to bother you with it now,

But what the heck, we're almost family.

Here, sit down.

Peg, our finest glass of kool-aid

For the future mayor here.

Al, can I see you for a second?

I'll be right back. Um...

Play with our daughter.

Kelly!

Dance for the man.

What? What?

You know, I cannot believe

That you would put a pothole before your daughter.

Peg, we can always have another daughter.

But as we both know,

This is the car I'm gonna have for the rest of my life.

I must protect it.

Besides, this guy's gonna be mayor.

And if kelly gets in good with him,

Who knows, maybe someday I'll be the future mayor-in-law. Huh?

Think about it, anything I want.

Huh, peg? Free doughnuts, free parking.

Just like the police!

Well, we could speed and make u-turns.

And litter.

And park in the handicapped zone!

[laughs] oh, al.

Mom, dad, what do you think?

Isn't he great?

We're gonna go out now, okay?

Not dressed like that you're not.

Just a second.

There you go.

That's better.

Thank your husband for getting our sewer fixed.

It is a pleasure to serve our neighbors.

Oh...

Ahhh...

[sighs]

You know...

It's amazing.

The city has fixed the hole,

Fixed the streetlight,

Picked up our garbage,

Planted the grass,

Trimmed the hedges

And your daddy's nose hairs.

And it's incredible we have kelly to thank.

You know, all these years,

We thought that you would be the success in the family.

Boy, was I wrong.

Well, gee, maybe I should throw on a pair of speedos

And parade around in front of sandra day o'connor.

Hey! It might mean a condo

By the white house for the family.

Would that make you guys proud?

Oh, we're proud of you, uh...

Uh...

Help me out here.

Bud.

Yeah, whatever.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

Here's my little girl.

Mom, I'm going out with harry.

Uh, not dressed like that you're not.

Come here.

Let's see.

There.

That's better.

Bye, mom.

Oh, uh, bud,

Keep gettin' those good grades.

It'll really pay off in the real world.

[both laugh]

Ohhh...

My little girl.

And to think, because of her,

We may one day be living in the mayor's mansion.

Come on, he's not gonna marry kelly.

There's more to being the mayor's wife

Than dancing around naked on tables.

Now, bud, don't be jealous.

You're both our children.

It's just that kelly's our favorite now, that's all.

[knocking on door]

[humming]

Hi, peggy. We were wondering if we could speak with al.

Well, I don't know.

He's been awfully busy.

Oh, please. He's done so much

For everyone else in the neighborhood.

If he could spare us a little time.

Please, please, please?

Al [imitating don corleone]: I'll speak to you.

["the godfather" theme playing]

Peg, picture, please.

Oh, al. Please help us.

The paperboy shows us no respect.

Well, we've complained,

But still he throws our paper in the sprinklers,

Crushing the flowers we planted with care.

He responds to our threats with the bird.

W-we have nowhere else to turn, al.

You never come to me as a friend.

When your wife baked a pie,

I got no slice.

Now you want a favor.

We were wrong.

We want your friendship.

It is well-known when I get food, I can deny no favors.

What can I do for you?

We seek no more than justice.

An eye for an eye.

Kill him.

This does not seem fair but, rest assured,

Your paper will be on your porch in the morning.

But remember...

Someday I may ask you for a favor.

This day may never come, but...

We both know it probably will.

When this day does come,

You will respond in true friendship.

Both: Yes, al.

Gee, that wasn't humiliating or anything.

Well, what's the difference?

That 12-year-old punk is gonna get what he deserves.

Al, don't you think you're carrying this thing

A little too far?

Never ask me about my business, peg.

But this thing about the neighbors

Bringing over food--

Small potatoes, peg.

What are you saying, al?

[normal] I'm saying pass the small potatoes

Mrs. Ricketts brought me.

I love these things.

Besides, bundy favors won't be comin' this cheap

For very long, peg,

Because the city shoe contract is up for bid,

The meter-maid shoes,

And I, thanks to kelly, got the inside track.

Oh, al.

You didn't come up with an idea on your own, did you?

I did.

I bought 10,000 pair of meter-maid shoes.

I talked to harry.

The contract is practically mine.

You're looking at the meter-maid foot king of chicago, baby.

[laughing]

Excuse me, mom...

But 10,000 meter-maid shoes?

Kelly dating a smart politician?

You guys believing an idea of this man

Is gonna pay off?

I mean, am I the only one who sees

The emperor has holes in his underwear?

Bud, I know you've seen a bundy failure

Once or twice before,

But, bud, this time, I'm telling you

It can't miss because, bud,

This time, it's not just me.

It's me and kelly.

I'll tell you what we'll do,

Let's go shopping

And spend some of that money

That's gonna come rollin' in.

Well, before we go,

I guess what's bothering me

Is that no one's including me in the plans anymore.

I mean, I'm not fredo.

Kelly's fredo.

I'm the smart one.

Lately, you guys have made me feel

Like I'm not part of the family anymore.

So if you'll just tell me I'm overreacting

Just a little bit--

I'll tell you this,

I'm not letting you take me fishing!

Look at it, peg.

The bundy empire.

Tomorrow we make delivery,

And we pick up a check for $20,000.

[whimpers] oh, al.

What's wrong, peg?

Nothing.

[gasps] I think I just had my first real orgasm.

[doorbell rings]

H-here's your paper,

And thank you for not costing me my job.

[imitating don corleone] what do I owe you?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

I-I paid for your paper out of my own pocket.

This is good.

Uh...

Forgetting something?

[normal] a whole buck!

Get used to living like this, peg.

I'm tellin' ya, I was born for this.

This is my decade.

This is the bundy decade.

Aw, al...

Shhh, quiet, peg. I'm ruminating.

I'm literally drunk with power.

Al...

Ah, life is good.

But not for me.

Look, peg.

More pictures on page three.

Guess what, everybody.

I am on the front page of the newspaper.

How great is that?

There are no words.

Well, you could have thrown me for a froot loop

When I heard he was married, but...

I guess the signs were there

If you just know how too recognize 'em.

The wedding ring,

The diapers in the back seat of the station wagon.

The late-night calls from that crazy woman going,

"stay away from my husband,

You homewrecking little tramp."

Oh, well.

"case of rum, case of rum,"

That's what I always say.

But you'll be glad to know

That this time, I am truly in love.

I want you to meet my new friend, salt water.

Show daddy what you can do.

Can I call you "dad"?

Isn't he great?

And don't worry, daddy.

This one is single.

Bye.

Peg...

I spent everything we got

On this stuff here.

What am I gonna do?

Well...

You could lead the failure pride parade

Atop a float of meter-maid shoes.

Or...

Is that getting into your business?

White crosses, sunlight,

Nothin' works on you anymore, does it?

But I tell you...

There are other forces at work here.

Other dark, evil things.

If I had my wish,

It would be to get my hands

On the foul, loathsome demon that took those pictures

And caused the downfall of the bundy family.

[whistling]

[♪]