Original subtitles

[♪]

Oh, yeah.

Aw, yeah.

[sighs]

Excuse me, miss.

Is this man bothering you?

Bud, I warned you about eating all that cheese.

Where are the old people?

Oh, uh...

Well, dad's down at, uh... The store.

They're having that, uh, midnight sale.

You know, you probably heard it on the radio.

They keep playing that old song:

After midnight we're gonna sell a lot of shoes.

[sighs]

Work's a bummer.

I'm glad I'm a pretty girl, so I'll never have to.

Oh, that reminds me, where's mom?

Oh, uh, she went to pick him up.

We got a call. Something about him flipping out.

♪ after midnight ♪

♪ we're gonna sell a lot of shoes ♪

Hi, daddy.

Hello, miss.

You wanna buy a lot of shoes?

Uh, I have shoes, daddy.

Uh, he doesn't recognize you, honey.

Shoes?

Come on, sweetheart. Sit down over here.

Uh, we're home now, sweetie.

You remember.

Two kids, a dog,

A room upstairs where you disappoint your wife.

Well, there's only one way to snap him out of this.

[muffled grunting]

[gasping & spitting]

That's how I like to see you.

Oh, peg, it was horrible.

Sixteen straight hours of shoe-selling mayhem.

Last thing I remember, I was down on one knee,

Waiting on an overflowing glacier of a woman.

The first thing they teach you

When you're a rookie shoe salesman

Is when you got a fat one in the chair, never look up.

I looked up, peg.

I saw underwear.

It said, "Saturday."

So what?

Today's Wednesday!

[sobs]

Anyway, the next thing I knew, I was insane.

Take a good look at your future, rat boy.

So, honey, tell us what the doctor said.

Well, he found two interesting things.

Well, that's two more than I've ever found.

I wonder where was he looking.

[all laugh]

I'm just kidding, honey.

We really do care.

So, what did the doctor say?

Well, he said from your home cooking,

My stomach is the size of a quarter,

And that I suffer from stress.

Stress?

How could you get stress?

You don't do anything but get up and go to work.

Well, maybe he got it from a toilet seat.

It would've shown up long before this, honey.

Stress? Al, that is ridiculous.

I mean, how in the world would someone like you get stress?

Well, the doctor thinks it might be the wife.

Well, very nice.

So now it's my fault

That you have a go-nowhere job

And absolutely no ambition at all.

Why, you know, if it wasn't for me telling you day after day

To get up, get to work, and do something for god's sake,

You wouldn't be bringing home the chump change

That you already are.

Stress.

Mom, don't you think that we should be nice to daddy,

You know, with him being out of his, uh...

M-I-n-e-d?

[sighs]

Yes, honey, you're right.

It is the woman's lot in life

To always carry the man.

Always the helper, never the helped.

So, what'd the doctor say you should do,

You big sissy?

Well, he said I should maybe find myself a relaxing hobby.

You know, uh, start a vegetable garden.

A vegetable garden?

Well, you started one of those when you had kelly.

[all laugh]

Hey.

I thought we were supposed to be making fun of dad here.

You're right, honey.

A vegetable garden.

[all laugh]

Oh, can you see your father in a vegetable garden?

Hey, I can see myself in a vegetable garden.

Out in the open air, working with the land.

You know, growin' stuff and eatin' it.

Yep, that's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna grow myself the bestest vegetable garden

In the world.

I'm gonna grow me beans and tomaters.

Potaters.

Ham...Corn...Uh...

I'm gonna fish...Fish them little shrimps that I like.

And...Bread. Homegrown bread.

And butter.

And pizza with extra cheese.

Kids, does anyone else sense doom around here?

Al [to "bonanza" theme]: ♪ dum dee-dee, dum dee-dee dum dee-dee ♪

♪ vegetable garden! ♪

I think we all sense it, mom.

Al: ♪ dum dee-dee, dum dee-dee dum dee-dee ♪

♪ dum-dum, corn ♪

Kids, soon all this will be yourn.

Well, golly.

Hey, where'd you learn to farm and speak like a hick, daddy?

Well, kids, all you really need for farmin' is the right tools,

A farmin' state of mind,

And your very own copy of farmer iggy's almanac.

Let's see what the igster has to say this morning.

"plant in the mornin', vegetables a-bornin'."

Thanks a lot, mom.

Keen choice o' dads.

Look, peg.

The corn is as high as an elephant's eye.

Oh, honey, I couldn't be prouder of you

If you thought you were napoleon.

Come, look at my beans, peg.

Been a long time since you seen a bean that size, eh, babe?

Yeah, you sure know how to grow 'em, honey.

[chuckles]

Soon we will have a bountiful harvest,

And you'll be cookin', a-cannin' and a-servin'.

And I'll be eatin', a-belchin' and a-purgin'.

Yep, it's been a long time

Since we've been this happy, eh, babe?

Want a cheek of redman?

You're still not well, are you?

Not by a long shot.

But I'm happy.

Now get thee in the house, woman.

As farmer iggy says,

"wife standin' near, soon comes a tear."

Well, I thought she'd never leave.

Now it's just you and me, hey, guys?

♪ old mcbundy had a farm ♪

♪ b-u-n-d-y ♪

♪ and on this farm there was no wife ♪

♪ b-u-n-d-y ♪

♪ with a no wife here and a no kids there ♪

♪ a hooker comin' over on Friday nights ♪

♪ big luscious hooters and a pizza and a beer there ♪

♪ old mcbundy had a farm ♪

♪ b-u-n-d-y ♪

[sighs]

I never felt so relaxed.

Hey.

Rabbit, give me back my carrots!

Ow!

Bite me, will you?

Well, listen to this, buddy.

No one bites al bundy and lives.

Kiss your bonnie, bunny butt goodbye, rabbit...

'cause you're one dead--

[gasps]

Peg, he peed on me!

Hey, kel, did you hear about billy's dad?

He just made vice president of his company.

Hey, bud, did you know that holly's dad,

After many long years of work,

Started his own company?

Well, this must be the year of the successful dad, ha.

Let's see how yours is doing.

Let's see if you can swim as well as you can steal,

You bucktoothed bandit.

Is he not successful too, who foams from the mouth

And lies sputtering on the ground?

Gardening has calmed me down,

And you just can't stand it, can ya?

Well, you'll be cheering me

When this bunny comes floating belly-up.

Yeah, you'll be a real hero, dad.

We can hear 'em singing now:

"killed him a bunny when he was 43."

No rabbit's foot for you, young lady.

Dad, you've had the hose on for four hours now,

And the ground isn't even wet.

Where's all that water going?

How the hell should I know where it's going?

I don't even know where it's coming from

When it comes out of the hose.

I just-- I just wish I could go with it.

Shh! I hear some squishing sounds.

[squishing]

Oh!

What did you do?

Gee, marcie, what happened to you?

What happened to me?

I finally got a date.

A successful man. A handsome man.

Sure, he was married, but he was gonna leave her.

He told me so.

He told me his wife didn't understand him.

Like, what's so hard to understand

About a 40-year-old man

Who likes to be spanked for his sins?

Anyway, we get back to my house,

I open the door, and step into my living-room pond.

It seems that some idiot stuck a hose in the ground

And left the water on all day.

So I was wondering,

Have you seen an idiot with a hose anywhere?

Hey, marcie, you've given me a good idea.

Bring your head over here by the hole.

He'll think it's a cabbage, and then we'll have him.

Look, al, we all appreciate the fact that you're insane

And that you need a relaxing hobby,

But maybe this gardening thing is just a little too challenging

At this point in your life.

Have you tried silly putty on the comics page?

He has. He just couldn't get the egg open.

Oh. Well.

I will be sending you a bill for the damage.

And if you do not pay,

I will sue you for everything you've got,

And that includes my garbage cans.

Great. That leaves us with nothing in the will.

Well, I guess we're just gonna have to make it

On our good looks.

See you on skid row, bacon face.

[laughs]

We're all getting cranky, al.

Did you get that rabbit yet?

Are you kiddin' me?

I must have poured a million gallons of water down that hole.

I flooded the whole block and every living thing in it.

Now, if that rabbit's still alive,

I'm yours tonight.

You know, the sad part is, I--

I don't really want him. Hm.

But a promise is a promise.

Now look what you've done!

You'll be screaming worse than me, I'm telling you!

I'll get you for this!

I'll make you pay for this, I'm telling you...!

Okay, I'm all through with the poison now.

You can take off your masks.

Um, not you, peg. Uh, yours wasn't working anyway.

Bud, dad said that you could take your mask off.

[laughs]

Eat dad's okra.

Lick his onions.

Kids!

Kids, let's not forget that daddy is the enemy here.

There, now, that's better.

Honey, do you think it's wise

To indiscriminately spray poison on a windy day?

Peg, if you wanna make a rabbit omelet,

Sometimes you gotta break some eggs.

But don't worry about it.

I read the directions very carefully.

It's nontoxic to everything but rabbits.

Hi there.

Anyone been spraying poison?

Why do you ask?

Well, there I was, out in our backyard,

You know, drying my tv from the flooding,

When a bald eagle came to drink from my bird feeder.

Wow. We haven't had a bald eagle spotted in this area for years.

I know. They're very rare and beautiful,

Except when they're twitching and hacking their guts out

On my lawn.

You really should have seen it.

It was quite an excruciating death.

Way to go, al.

Why don't you throw one of your socks out the window

And try for the last dodo?

Well, I like to think that I'm the last dodo, peg.

But more importantly, I'm gonna have some vegetables,

'cause there's no way in the world

That rabbit could have have survived that death cloud

I let loose on the neighborhood.

It lives.

Okay, fine.

I didn't ask for a hobby.

I hate vegetables.

But I need that garden to relieve my stress, damn it!

And I will have that garden

If I have to kill every single living thing

In this entire, stinking planet.

This is war.

Al, what are you doing?

[imitating elmer fudd] be vewy, vewy quiet.

I'm huntin' wabbit.

Oh, boy.

Daddy, let me give you some advice.

Um, I've been watching these television show about rabbits.

[sighs]

Don't put the barrel of the gun down the hole,

Because what they do

Is they'll tie it in a knot

So that it explodes in your face.

Or sometimes what they'll do

Is they'll make it really long and curved

So that it comes out from a hole behind you,

And you shoot yourself in the butt.

To be forewarned is to have four arms.

Well, princeton's loss is the gap's gain.

Oh, mr. Wabbit!

Come and get a tasty cawwot!

[gunshots]

Well, at least he didn't shoot himself in the foot.

Hmph. Give him a minute.

[gunshot]

Al: Ah! Ow, my foot!

[screaming]

What's he doing now?

Well, he's got the flamethrower.

He's aiming it at the hole.

He shoots....

[flame rumbling]

And misses.

Garden on fire?

Yup.

And so is mrs. Rhoades' fence.

Whoa! Look at her big tree go.

Well, at least he didn't shoot himself in the foot.

Hmph. Give him a minute.

Al: Ow, my foot! Ow, my-- ow!

Oh, fire! Ow, my foot!

Oh, god! Oh, god! Oh!

So this is how it ends, eh, mom?

As long as it ends.

Daddy?

[chuckling]

What?

Nothing.

Good.

Now, I put this down his little hole,

And I light the fuse,

And bye-bye rabbit.

[chuckling]

The fuse is lit,

And we'll be hit by bunny bits any second now.

Now do you see the importance of an education, kids?

Uh, dad...

Before your fingers hit pay dirt,

Are you sure you didn't use too much dynamite?

Son, if dynamite was dangerous,

Do you think they'd sell it to an idiot like me?

Now, nothing can go wrong.

I've taken every precaution.

Including making sure it was nowhere near a gas line?

Hit the dirt.

You know, it's such a beautiful day.

I hardly miss the house at all.

It was a nice explosion, wasn't it?

But on the good side,

The ensuing fire did dry out my living room.

But the sun would have done that anyway,

Since I no longer have a roof.

Well, that's odd. We have two.

Yeah, one for each wall in my room.

Nobody's asked me how my stress is.

Oh, we're sorry.

How's your stress, lint-for-brains?

I'm mellow.

You know why?

You don't see a rabbit out here, do you?

Sure don't, honey.

You did real good.

That's all I wanted to hear.

You know, I really feel good.

Carrot?

Peg: That's al, folks.

[♪]