Original subtitles

[Classical music playing]

[Laughter]

Mayor Dilquez: Thank you for being my plus-one.

My regular shaman is full-time with Aaron Rodgers now.

Do you have something for public speaking?

Shaman: Be careful.

Even a microdose of this could--

[Bottle breaks]

Man: There he is--

our soon-to-be re-elected mayor.

Mayor Dilquez: Mr. and Mrs. Volcanowitz, my top donors.

You look wealthier than ever.

Mr. Volcanowitz: Everyone is so excited to help you defeat that

talking goose running against you, especially Mother.

Mrs. Volcanowitz: Is it true you're dropping a new diss track

about the Goose tonight?

Mayor Dilquez: Someone's been reading "WorldstarPolitics."

Ha ha! [Mr. Volcanowitz laughs]

Mayor Dilquez: See? I'm fine.

[Series of different chords and noises plays rapidly]

[Microphone feedback, person coughs]

Mayor Dilquez: ♪ Yo, Goose, is it true you go young? ♪

♪ I heard that cryin' goslings are the only way you'll-- ♪

[Guests scream]

Mayor Dilquez: Not a fan of hip-hop?

[Theme music playing]

♪

[Crack]

Martinez: And that is why

the clown car limit is now 30 people.

Goodbye Bongo, Honko, Bazinko, Winky, and Leonard.

May their hilarious souls rest in peace.

[Honk honk]

And, lastly, we have a new detective

joining the department today. Any questions? No. Good.

Dismissed. [Flute, Summers, Wynona gasp]

Flute: You can't drop a bomb like that and leave.

This isn't the bank across the street's family bathroom.

Who is it? Martinez: Don't know.

Haven't met him. Wynona: I hope he's hot.

Summers: Yeah, I hope he's super-hot.

[Chuckles weakly]

Martinez: Well, as a favor, the mayor asked

if I would hire the son of his top donor, the Volcanowitzes.

Flute: The new guy is a Volcanowitz?

Summers: A Volcano-whatz?

Wynona: The Volcanowitzes are, like,

the richest people in Grimsburg. They own the volcano.

Announcer: Do you have large furniture

you no longer want? Volcano!

Don't know what to do with all those old rollerblades?

Volcano!

Have a hard drive you claim someone else filled

with a bunch of "weird stuff"? Volcano!

♪

Kang: All right. That hot volcano is

why we have so many cold cases.

Criminals keep dumping evidence in there, and they

refuse to do anything to stop it,

not to mention the extremely high number of suicides,

but that's God's problem.

Flute: Our problem is some nepo-baby thinks he

can jump the line because his parents are rich.

Wynona: As the youngest person in the office,

I hate nepo-babies because they're

taking my generation's jobs.

But as the poorest person in the office, I would love

to marry into wealth, so I gotta go change.

Martinez: He's not just some noob.

I hear he has his own P.I. business with a 100% solve rate.

Plus, the mayor has been very good to us, so I feel

that we should give his guy a shot.

Kang: And...? Martinez: And he promised that

he'd make me commissioner.

♪

Flute: You hired someone older than Kang?

Man: Oh, no. I work for the Volcanowitzes.

I'm here to drop him off.

Otis: Otis Volcanowitz-- kid detective

reporting for duty.

What time is snack at, and when do I get my gun?

[Slurping]

♪

[Sneezes]

[Sneezes, gasps]

Woman: You're sick.

Harmony: I'm not the one who steals my panties, Steve--

Ugh. Sorry, Marrissaa.

My ears are clogged and you sounded like my stalker.

[Sneezes]

Marrissaa: Aw, you should go home and rest.

Harmony: I can't go home.

I'm covering the opening of the new Lazer Drag arena,

and it's the first non-murder story I've gotten in months.

Marrissaa: Ay, but if you stick around, you might be

the murder story. You don't want

to kill Immunocompromised Gabe the weatherman.

Gabe: ...and a high of 67 means a beautiful day

for those of you who aren't allergic to sunshine.

Why do you hate me, God?

Harmony: Maybe you're right.

Just promise me you won't let anyone take my story.

Marrissaa: Over my dead perfect body.

Harmony: Thanks. You're a good friend.

Oh, but don't eat the dip.

Otis: And once I realized our gardener was

actually a top architect in his home country, I deduced he

must have used the blueprints from our house to sneak in.

And that's how I solved the case of the stolen lizard.

Now for the case of the missing muffin, I'll tell you

our maid did it first and then explain how I knew,

"Poker Face" style.

Flute: Can't believe this nepo-baby thinks he

can just buy his badge.

I mean, we all had to buy our badges due to budget cuts,

but that was after we attended the police academy,

passed a field test, and trained our bodies

to digest pastrami as a vegetable.

Wynona: Welcome to the department,

Officer Volcanowitz.

Kang: Wrong one. Volcanowitz is the kid.

Wynona: So I put on this dead debutante's dress for nothing?

Kang: You should be happy.

You're not the youngest person working here anymore.

Wynona: Yeah, but if I'm not the youngest...

then what am I?

Otis: You're trouble with a capital T,

which I can write in cursive if you give me lined paper.

Let me get your digits in my super expensive SAT phone

my folks gave me for my half-birthday.

Wynona: They bought you a satellite phone?

Otis: They actually bought me the company.

[Wynona scoffs] Otis: What's her story?

Summers: She's taken! Taken dance lessons.

Otis: I can tell. Look at the legs on that one.

I could put my feet on her feet and walk around

like Frankenstein for days.

Kang: Who touched the thermostat?

Otis: It's freezing in here.

Maybe don't wear a sleeping bag inside.

Martinez: Come on. Let's go get you that gun.

Otis: I really need one with a grenade launcher.

Thank you so much.

Flute, Kang, Wynona: That kid has to go.

Summers: That kid has to die.

"Go." I said, "Go."

♪

[Thermometer beeps]

Harmony: Ugh! You know, you're the one who got me sick.

Why did you have to lick every elevator button in the ICU?

Stan: It wasn't my idea. I was dared.

Harmony: By who? Mr. Flesh? Ohh. I have had enough.

You need real friends,

so I signed you up for the beach dirty-up today

without your imaginary friend.

Mr. Flesh: You blondster!

Stan: [Sighs] OK.

Harmony: Great. That's settled.

Mr. Flesh: It's fine. I hate the beach anyway.

Everyone's so jelly of my thigh gap.

♪

Flute: We demand you fire Otis.

He keeps saying "Pew!" when he pretends

to shoot his gun.

Everyone knows the right noise is...Pow!

Pkkk, pkkk, pkkk, pkkk. [Imitates richochet noise]

Martinez: No chance.

That little nepo-baby is my ticket to the big time.

Too Captain Crunch-y for the Commish?

I need a mirror.

Kang: Ugh. Picked the wrong day to wear my under-puffer. Huh.

Wynona: These snowflakes are jeopardizing

everything we stand for.

I own a gun now?

Flute: Maybe she doesn't have to fire him.

We just have to get him to quit.

Let's see how he handles the case of the missing bedtime

because we're gonna show him

the Grimsburg night shift.

[Harmony blowing nose]

[Applause on TV]

Man on TV: Welcome back to four seated women and a man.

Ladies, let's talk about our weekends.

Harmony: I like how the four women are approachable,

yet no-nonsense. Mr. Flesh: Me, too.

And I like how the man is nonthreatening

and has no power.

Harmony: Aah! Mr. Flesh: Aah!

[Soft thud on window] Harmony: Not now, Stalker Steve!

Stalker Steve: Oh, I can come back.

♪

Flute: Ready for your training day, rook?

Otis: If you're trying to scare me, don't bother.

I've seen it all.

My safe search is set to "moderate."

Flute: Well, you're about to grow up real fast

on these here streets.

What type of diapers you wearing?

Otis: [Scoffs] Yeah, right!

Flute: Oh, you think I'm messing?

Because I am messing.

I'm Debra Messing, and I'm about to grace my pants

with a big ol' mess from all the horrific things

I see out here, front and back.

[Otis laughs]

[Brakes screech] Flute: You think that's funny?

Waddling home with a soggy bowl of cereal in your undies,

that's a laugh?

Smelling like a poop peed all over you, that's humorous?

Having so many logs in your pants, the U.S. Forest Service

just assigned you a Ranger? That's a tap-back ha ha?

Yeah, well, get all your laughs out now, son,

because tonight, you won't have a single thing to laugh at.

Otis: I can handle that.

I've seen "Bookie."

Harmony: Aah! What the hell are you?

Mr. Flesh: Have you not seen your son's countless drawings

of me mostly riding well-endowed horses?

I'm Mr. Flesh.

Harmony: Uhh! No.

You're not real, not real. [Light switch clicks]

Mr. Flesh: Who still plays apples to apples?

[Harmony screams]

Mr. Flesh: You never saw the drawings of Seabaguette?

Harmony: I'm fine. This is just a hallucination

from drinking Flute's special cough syrup.

Marrissaa on TV: I'm Marrissaa Marrimmbaa,

and join me later as I report live from Grimsburg's

very own Lazer Drag arena.

Mr. Flesh: Hey! Isn't that your job?

[Harmony growls]

Mr. Flesh: Oh! You got Marrimmbaa-ed!

[Marimba music]

[Mr. Flesh chuckles]

♪

Kang: Wife just left him. Refuses to negotiate.

Not gonna end well.

Seems like the perfect job for Otis.

Otis: You think a guy with a gun is scary?

Try memorizing the 12 times table.

Hi. I'm Otis.

Man with gun: Get back or I will blow his brains out!

Otis: Why? Man with gun: Why?!

Because my wife left me. Otis: Why?

Man with gun: 'Cause she's tired of me or something.

Otis: Why?

Man with gun: I guess I always am out with my boys.

Otis: Why?

Man with gun: Because I don't know how to relate to women.

Otis: Why? Man with gun: You're right.

I'm the problem. I want to change. Uh!

Otis: That was easy. What's next?

Wynona: Wow. That was kind of impressive.

Flute: What? That's not detectiving.

That's called being an annoying kid.

You can't solve a case just by being a kid.

But you can solve a kid just by being the case.

Summers: I love it when he says the same thing

but reverses the words.

I wish I could do that.

But I could do wish that I could can.

Nope. That's why he's the king.

[Owl hoots]

Harmony: How could Marrissaa take

my one human interest story?

Mr. Flesh: Especially with that accent.

[Rolls Rs] Her Rs...

are faker than her Ds.

Harmony: Hey. That's my best friend you're talking about.

Mr. Flesh: My bad. I'll back off.

Harmony: No, I just needed to say that

to feel better about trashing her. Carry on.

Mr. Flesh: I don't want to tell you what to do.

That's not my business.

But if I were you, I'd get some revenge.

Harmony: What...

are we waiting for?!

Hell yeah, Fleshy. Let's do this.

Mr. Flesh: [Gasps] That was so easy.

Bless you, Mark Harmony.

You are everything I wish Stan was

but with the haircut of a woman who sells candles on Etsy.

♪

Summers: What are we doing here?

Flute: I thought Otis might show us around.

♪

[Bell rings]

♪

Otis: I've actually never been here before.

My parents say it's too dangerous.

Flute: More dangerous than your home?

Think of all those crimes you solved.

Say, tell me about the case of the missing lizard again.

Otis: Well, I knew Ernest the gardener had stolen it

when--Ernest? Ernest: Heh heh. Mister Otis?

Otis: Sandy the maid? Jed the driver?

Masseusy the masseuse? What is this?

Flute: This is something even your parents couldn't afford

to give you--the hard truth.

All those cases you solved,

they were all fake, paid for by your daddy

so his little boy could feel like a big detective.

Then he shipped them off to cushier jobs here

to keep 'em quiet.

But, of course, you never suspected a thing.

And why would you? You're not a real detective.

You're just a bank account with a badge.

Otis: I thought maybe I'd found my niche, and I could spend

the rest of my life cashing in on it,

like Lin Manuel Miranda and fast rhythmic talking,

[Voice breaks] but I guess it was all a lie.

Flute: Wow. I guess we really just

did crush a kid's dream good! Wynona: Yes!

Summers: All right! Kang: We beat a rich kid.

That's pretty much all you can hope for in this life.

Wynona: Looks like I'm the youngest again.

Damn. Why did I throw out my vape?

Flute: That'll teach him to have any passions whatsoever.

Idiot. Where is he?

I want to call him an idiot to his face.

Look at him up there.

[As Otis] "Boo-hoo!

"I just found out I'm a useless nepo-baby.

Maybe I should kill myself."

[All gasp]

[Imitating Otis] "This wasn't Flute's fault."

[Regular voice] You guys heard him.

Flute: Otis! Hold on. I'm...

coming.

God, it's me--Marvin.

I know we only talk when I want to stop vomiting

off the side of my bed, but I need you.

I may have played a small role

in a rich kid committing suicide.

A little help?

Is that pigeon a sign?

Do you want me to go in the lava?

Do you want me dead, God? Well, now you're dead to me.

I'm going all in on science.

Neil deGrasse Tyson! The bird is fine.

Farewell, my fond friends who were always there for me

no matter what.

Wynona: We blame it on Flute. This was his whole nepo agenda.

Kang: Yeah, yeah, that's good. We all say that.

[Flute shouts]

Wynona: OK. We pin it on Martinez.

Kang: Yeah, yeah, that's good. We all say that.

Flute: Whew. Aah!

♪

[Hair dryers whirring]

♪

Flute: You knew this was down here?

Otis: No, but I had a hunch. It didn't smell sulfur-y

like the other volcano we own in Hawaii or Japan,

so I jumped in to investigate.

Flute: That's a solid piece of detective work.

Privileged but solid. But why have a fake volcano?

Otis: Because they're secretly reselling the junk

people throw in here for profit.

And those workers are actually people

who tried to commit suicide,

but now they're being held captive as slave labor.

Flute: OK, OK. Now you're just showing off,

and nobody likes that in a detective...

I've been told.

Look. There's that guy who dropped you off.

Otis: Mr. Unger! [Flute gasps]

Otis: I never trusted him.

We have to get out of here and tell my parents.

They can fix anything.

Flute: There are armed guards at every door. We'll never get out.

Otis: You didn't give up when the chocolate factory killer

had you trapped.

Flute: Yeah, well, now I have to run the entire factory, so--

Wait. How did you know that?

Otis: You're my hero.

I have your posters all over my room

and your action figures, too.

Flute: I don't have any action figures.

Otis: I just took my John Wick and melted it...

for a long while.

Flute: Well, to get out of here, we would need

a John Wick arsenal of firepower. That's it!

[Whispering]

Otis: You're not saying anything.

Flute: Do you really think detectives

are saying something when they do this?

[Dance music]

Laser tag player: Cover me, honey. I'm going in.

[Buzzer sounds twice]

[Buzzer sounds] Really?

Announcer: Ooh, player 3, you been hit, girl.

Player 3: Well, I got to sashay away. Agh!

[Air horn blows]

Marrissaa: Set your phasers to tuck because we'll have

so much more from Lazer Drag after the break.

♪

[Harmony growling softly]

[Marrissaa laughs]

Mr. Flesh: OK, here's the plan: Let's start a rumor

that she's QAnon.

Ooh! Even better! We out her for attending

one of Louis C.K.'s first shows back!

I'm sorry. Uh, does that say "anthrax"?

Harmony: Yeah. I did a story on the dark web

opening up a brick and mortar, and it was in the gift bag.

Mr. Flesh: You're not trying to kill her, are you?

Harmony: No. Of course not!

I just want to paralyze her enough, so that the only thing

she can do is write a very short nurse-assisted memoir.

Mr. Flesh: Um, this is starting to feel less like

some good-natured revenge

and more like a straight up Lifetime movie.

Harmony: Jeez. Where did the fun Mr. Flesh go,

the guy who makes my son do all those terrible things?

Mr. Flesh: I'm chaos, not darkness, baby.

I may give him a Costco sample of anarchy,

but Stan's decisions are his own.

Harmony: What are you saying, this is my idea?

Mr. Flesh: Look in the disco ball, honey.

[Harmony gasps]

Mr. Flesh: At least in here, it looks like a creative choice.

Harmony: So you're saying maybe I should be OK

reporting on psychos because I kind of am one.

Wow. You're good.

Mr. Flesh: Yep! This is exactly how I intended this to go.

[Buzzer sounds, player groans]

Marrissaa: We're only three broken ankles in--

Cameraman: Oh, my gosh! She's hurt.

Is anyone here a reporter?

Mr. Flesh: Tie up your bathrobe and get out there.

Harmony: While it may just look like a fun night out,

Lazer Drag is also an important lesson in sisterhood

that teaches us it's way more fun to shoot each other

in the face than it is to stab each other in the back.

I'm Harmony Flute. And now the weather.

Take it away, Immunocompromised Gabe.

Oh, no. Really?

♪

[Both whistle]

Man: Detective Flute!

Are you here to set us free so that we

can finally kill ourselves?

Flute: Wow. That's...dark.

When criminals throw evidence in the volcano,

where do they put it?

♪

[Alarm sounds, Flute whistles]

♪

Flute: Looks like all our cold cases

just got a lot warmer.

♪

[Rifles are armed]

♪

Man: If I turned you in, they promised

they'd let me off myself.

Flute: Gotta hand it to 'em.

They really know how to incentivize their employees.

♪

Harmony: Who knew getting revenge

with my son's imaginary skeleton friend could be so much fun?

Mr. Flesh: And who knew middle-aged mothers are

even more psychotic than their preteen kids?

[Both laugh, then sigh]

Harmony: The cough syrup must be wearing off.

You're getting fuzzier

than a non-molestation-involved camp memory.

Will I ever see you again?

Mr. Flesh: I'm always a tiny plastic cup of dark syrup away.

♪

[Door opens]

Stan: Sorry, Mom.

I tried to make new friends like you wanted me to,

but they were kind of mean.

Harmony: That's OK. You still have Mr. Flesh.

Stan: Wait. You mean it?

Harmony: I'd rather you have a fake friend that's real

than a real friend that's fake. Go on.

He's over... [Wind gusts]

there?

Mr. Flesh: Did you hear that, Stand Your Ground?

Our love isn't forbidden anymore.

Now let's go to the drugstore and put faint lines

on the home pregnancy tests to celebrate.

♪

Otis: Ow! Mr. Unger, when my parents find out

what you're up to, it's over.

Screen time, gone.

Mr. Unger: Oh, by all means, tell them.

♪

Otis: Mr. and Mrs. Mom and Dad? You knew about this?

Mr. Volcanowitz: Where do you think all of our money

comes from? It's the perfect business model:

free merchandise, free labor, and free shipping...

on orders of $150 or more,

and it'll all be yours one day.

Otis: But you said I could be a detective.

Mrs. Volcanowitz: Please! You're rich.

You can't be a poor, gross police person.

Flute: That's where you're wrong.

This kid is a born detective, and I should know.

I was born one, too.

My father was on the force and my grandfather

and his fath--Oh, my God. Am I a nepo-baby?

Otis: Sorry, Flute, but I can't risk it.

Take him back down there. Flute: Otis? No!

Otis: You know too much,

and nothing is more important than very wealthy family.

Mr. Volcanowitz: It's true.

We can't have you out there knowing about

the human trafficking, indentured servitude,

conspiracy to impersonate a volcano--

Kang: Freeze. You're under arrest.

Flute: How did you know we were in here?

Mr. Volcanowitz on recording: ...human trafficking,

indentured servitude,

conspiracy to impersonate a volcano.

Mrs. Volcanowitz: Otis, you're making a huge mistake.

You can kiss easy street good-bye,

and I mean the actual street we left you in our will.

You'll never get another dollar from us.

Flute: Don't worry, kid. You'll be fine.

You can make some decent coin at Grimsburg PD.

I mean, don't get divorced or have a kid

or develop a crippling addiction to daily fantasy sports.

Who are the Sparks playing tonight?

Otis: Are you saying that I can have my badge back?

Flute: You sure can, kid.

Kang: Yeah, it's really not your job to decide that.

Flute: You sure can.

Flute: Talk about a crazy day.

I experienced all three of my emotions, including horny.

Kang: And I reset the thermostat back to 62.

Ahh.

Wynona: And I've accepted that I'm the second youngest.

It's like being the middle child of the office,

not that anyone's paying attention to me anymore. Hmph!

Otis: And I've got a ton of paperwork to do

on these cold cases.

I solved 143 murders today.

That makes me

number one on the leaderboard.

Flute: Hold on.

We both found that volcano.

Martinez: Technically, Otis found it first.

Flute: How dare you take his side!

Do you know who my father is? [Yells]

[Boxes and contents thud]

♪

Person: Bento. [Cheering]