Original subtitles

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- Hey, kids, I've got a lot going on in my life right now.

What are these "emergencies"? Make it quick.

- I've had explosive diarrhea all morning,

and I'm crapping all over the school.

- Not touching that. Next.

- I got stung by a bee, and I can't feel my tongue.

- Gonna stop ya right there.

Those are all really complex ailments.

Tom, what's wrong with you?

- You know, I feel kind of sluggish.

I can't tell if it's--I'm sick, or if it's just my personality.

- All right, get in here, Tom. Let's get you taken care of.

Okay, Tom, put this in your mouth

and make it seem like I'm doing work.

- Okay.

- I'm actually really glad you stopped by.

You were on my to-do list today.

- Me? Why?

- Because I have an announcement!

I'm getting married to a beautiful man named Doug!

- Why are you telling me?

- This school is like family to me, okay?

I'm inviting all of my favorite people.

- I'm one of your favorite people?

We've literally talked twice about Band-Aids.

- And tell your Mom she's gonna be in my bridal party.

We're gonna have so much fun!

- Have you guys even met? - She's my best friend.

She's being in the wedding.

Oh, you're actually really sick,

but I'm not dealing with that. See ya.

- Oh wow, she really invited the whole town.

Kevork, the plumber,

the guy who works at 7-Eleven,

my old babysitter.

- Tom, when people ask about me,

always just say, "She's busy."

- I'm sorry. I said she's wide open.

- And I know that's the truth of our lives,

but don't say that.

- I shouldn't have volunteered you

to be in someone's bridal party.

- How do you think I feel?

I mean, I'm giving away the bride,

and I literally don't know her last name.

- I'm starting to feel left out.

Am I the only person not invited?

- Ah, no, lots of people didn't make the cut.

I mean you... Dakota's mom...

I don't think she invited the Principal's bookie, Lou.

- Nope, I'm here!

I'm in charge of pussy and booze.

What do you guys need? - Hey, Lou.

- Is this all I represent to you people?

A bus driver?

The guy who sits behind the wheel

and drives the bus?

- Yep, yeah.

- Yeah, that is the definition of a bus driver.

- Okay. I retract the question.

- Look, I got to put this stupid dress on.

I'll see you at the ceremony. Don't talk to anyone, Tom.

Let's make this a clean in and out.

- Don't talk to anyone?

- Yeah, just go sit really still

in a corner of the lobby.

Face a wall.

- And just pretend I can't talk?

- Yeah, you know what?

I'll give you a couple of papers that say

"I don't know how to talk."

- All right.

Not the most fun wedding, but sure.

All right, if anyone talks to you, just "no habla ingles."

- How's it going, little man? - What are you doing here?

- I'm getting married. I'm Doug.

- Oh! She didn't say

she was marrying the ice cream man.

- Well, I--I think "Doug"

feels more prestigious.

You know, if you tell someone,

"I'm marrying the ice cream man,"

it doesn't sound like a bright future.

- So, uh... you excited?

- Not at all.

I feel like the walls are closing in around me.

It's like my schvanz is in a vice

and the pressure is slowly tightening.

- Doesn't sound fun at all. - It's not fun.

Hey, listen. I need you to do me a favor.

I was supposed to find a ring bearer

for this whole thing, and I didn't.

So, can you do it? - Me?

No, I promised my mom we'd be in and out.

I--I can't bear any rings. - You owe me one.

- I owe you? Why? - You sank my truck.

You know how much it cost to dredge that thing up?

- All right, I guess I owe you on some level.

- This is what you've got to learn in life.

This is good for you, actually.

This is a learning situation.

- That bachelor party was off the hook!

At the strip club, when she went upside down

and her hair was dragging--

- Guys! Guys! Keep it clean.

We got a little fucking kid here.

- Oh right. Yeah, of course-course-course.

I was saying, I was at the strip club

when that grown woman climbed a pole,

that--that was so much fun!

- Yeah. She really climbed that pole good.

- That was--I'm sorry, guys. That was the party?

You watched a lady climb a pole?

- No, Tom, there's more to it.

There's music, and there's lights...

- They got pretzels.

- They got little bags of chips.

- Can I be honest with you?

You guys' stories are kinda boring.

I might go hang out over there with Doug.

- Please go over there.

Doug, you really should start getting dressed.

It's almost time.

- There is a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot.

That's from the Bible.

- Are you okay, Doug? - Not really.

My life is flashing before my eyes.

I'm like a wild stallion, Tom. I need to run free.

- I'm not following.

What does the stallion have to do with anything?

- I feel trapped. I'm gonna marry this nurse

and then drive an ice cream truck

the rest of my life?

- Sounds amazing! But, hey, my dad was married,

and he didn't feel trapped.

He just drove off to Myrtle Beach one day.

- Really? For how long? - Just a...

indefinite Myrtle Beach excursion.

- Let me get this straight.

He was married with a kid, you...

- Yeah. - And he said,

"I'm driving to Myrtle Beach?"

- I mean, he didn't say it out loud.

He just took off.

He just left a note on the fridge.

- Your dad sounds like a legend.

- Legend? No, no.

My mom would disagree with that.

- Well, potato, pa-tot-oh.

This is great advice, Tom.

- Oh no, it's not "advice."

- It changes my whole outlook on the whole thing.

- Okay. Well, glad we talked.

- And by the way, Tom, you still owe me six grand

for the ice cream truck.

Am I ever going to see that money?

- You didn't get it? I thought I mailed it.

- You know I didn't get it, Tom.

- I clearly mailed you $6,000.

- You mailed it? You sent it through the mail?

- Wow, you clean up nice.

- Aw! Thank you. So do you.

- Hey, I know I'm Tom's principal,

but is it inappropriate for me to say

your tits look amazing in that dress?

- No, that's cool. I welcome it. Thank you.

- Thanks for your patience, everyone.

We will begin shortly.

Unfortunately, we are just waiting on the groom.

- What's going on out there? Is he seriously running late?

- I'm sure he's milling around somewhere.

- What the F, guys?

You were just with him. Who saw him last?

- I saw him. He was talking to Tom

right by the window.

- Tom... - Sorry, Mom.

I didn't talk, though. I mostly listened.

- Okay. Tom, what did he say?

- Uh, just a lot of Bible quotes.

- Bible? Like quotes about loving me?

- Nah, it was about, uh, time and, uh,

a lot of doomsday talk. Something about a stallion.

- Okay, you're freaking me out. - His schvanz in a vice.

Is that from the Bible?

- Oh, guys, wait. There's a note.

- A note?

Let me see. What does it say?

"I'm driving down to Myrtle Beach

just like Tom's dad did."

- Wait. What? - "Thanks for the advice, Tom.

You da man. Woot, woot.

the stallion rides free." Tom, what the fuck?

- I don't think people say "what the fuck"

at weddings, do they?

- They do when they're abandoned.

- All right. Let's just go dance

and eat dinner. What do you do now?

- Cry. - Let's go cry and dance.

- Come on people, dance.

We're only playing jazz standards,

so don't wait for the Electric Slide

or something you consider to be fun.

- Con--congratulations. What do people say? Congrats?

- Shut up!

- Listen, I'm--I'm so-- I feel terrible.

- You should. - Principal, say something.

- Say nothing. Let Tom sit in the discomfort.

- All right, everybody!

the reception is starting,

and the nurse is gonna start by cutting the cake.

Yay! Yay!... - No, I am not!

I'm not--I'm not cutting the cake by myself.

That's sad.

- It's a tradition, right? - It's fun!

You cut the cake. You eat cake.

- That does sound fun. - Okay.

- Get to the part where you smear it on your face, please.

- I'm not smearing it on my face.

- Have you ever been to a wedding?

Everybody smears cake on their face.

- Well, normally there's someone else

doing the smearing!

- Come on, take a deep breath.

This could be the best night of your life.

- Smear it on your face! Smear it on your face.

- Mom. No. Mom. Please. Don't chant.

Smear it on your face.

- Oh my God! This is a nightmare.

Fine. Fine!

- All right. At least we're having fun now!

Give her a hand. That was--she's a good sport!

She's a good sport. - I'm not having fun!

Hi, can I stick my head in? I'm friends with everyone here.

- Name.

- It's probably under "Bus Driver."

- Nope. - Try "the" bus driver.

- Nope. Under the Bs,

I've got bus mechanic...

- That's an insult. - Bus dispatch guy...

- Another asshole. - Bus insurance adjuster.

- Okay, prick. - And bus door repairman.

- Bus door repairman?

- Yeah, he came in dancing doing this whole thing

called "the bus door." It was pretty cool.

- He's doing the bus door? I invented the bus door!

- Oh, hey, Bus Driver. Can we talk real quick?

- Sure. Yeah. I wasn't going in anywhere.

- All right, listen,

I ruined the whole wedding. It's a disaster.

The groom took off. He's heading down the turnpike

in an ice cream truck. We gotta go find him.

- All right, well, let's do this!

Let's hunt it down.

- Really? That's amazing.

- I want to be part of this wedding.

If I got to chase down and hit the groom's ice cream truck,

I'm okay to do that.

Tom, put your seatbelt on, because we are going 90,

and there is a very good chance this does not end well.

- All right, just keep your foot on the gas.

He's in a slow-moving truck. We can catch him.

- Wait, wait! Is that him?

- All right. Veer right. We got him.

- I'm veering my ass off. - Doug, slow down.

It's Tom, from the balcony. - Ah.

Hey, little man. What's up?

- Listen, you need to reconsider.

You're making a terrible mistake.

- Oh, I agree. I should've taken the parkway.

But it's too late. I can't turn around.

- No, it's not the mistake I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the wedding you bailed on.

- Nah, too late for that.

I already said "the stallion rides free."

It'd be embarrassing to just go back now.

- Doug, that is not a good reason to not get married.

- When you grow up, you realize you make life decisions

on a lot of stupid things.

- Remember that time we went to an Italian restaurant

and then screwed on my couch?

- I do. That was fun.

Remember the time we went to the concert,

and we threw churros at people,

and you hit that guy in the eye?

- That might have been the best night of my life.

And I don't know if you remember this, Principal,

but I have a son.

- Where is Tom, by the way? I haven't seen him?

- I'm sure he's around here somewhere.

I try not to be a "helicopter mom,"

as they say.

- All right, come on, get me closer.

I'm going in.

- This goes against

almost all my bus driver training.

- Oh, that's dangerous. - Look at you.

Does this look like a man

who's making the right decision?

- Absolutely not.

- I just think you seem to like the nurse on some level.

- I do.

- You probably don't have many options out there.

- I don't.

- I can't imagine you're gonna be a big hit in Myrtle Beach.

- Probably not.

- All things considered, I think you should turn around.

- Wow. You are a wise little man.

- All right, let's-- let's go back and get married.

Oh, hey, Bus Driver, we're all good here.

You can go home.

- Who's that idiot? Did we invite him?

- I've actually been meaning to talk to you about that.

There must have been a mix-up with the invites--

- No time to talk. Let's turn this thing around

so I can get married.

The stallion turns back.

- You're very easily swayed. Did anyone ever tell you that?

- It really wasn't that bad. - Actually, arguably,

this is the worst thing that could happen at a wedding.

- Hello everyone! Hey! I have an announcement.

I tracked down the ice cream man.

The wedding's back on.

- Doug? Oh my God, thank you, Tom!

Doug, come on out here.

- Oh, bad news, guys. He left a note...

- More notes? Come on.

"Sorry, Nurse, I bailed again.

"The half-hour alone in the car with Tom made me realize

"I don't want to have kids. He's got a lot of problems.

The stallion rides free. Woot, woot."

- Woot, woot!

- Way to go, Tom.

- Are all weddings this stressful?

Because I'm not enjoying myself at all.

- ♪ Remember there's more road ♪

♪ And places to go ♪

♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪

♪ More people to fornicate ♪

♪ And remember there's a lot of good omens ♪

♪ Supplying the proof ♪

♪ That our life is the best joke ever told ♪

♪ Remember it's a joke and leave it alone ♪

♪ Let go and try to be always abiding ♪

♪ Remember if there's one good reason for dying ♪

♪ The sweet silver lining ♪

♪ Through you she lives on ♪

♪ And therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪