Original subtitles

♪ ♪

- Okay, team, everyone has scored a goal this season

except for Tom.

So let's try to pass to him.

- Yeah, I'm better than I look, guys.

Nimble, strong, fast, agile,

the whole--the whole package.

- Oh, please, come on.

Enough with this jibber-jabber already.

- Like I was saying, we're here to support each other

and have fun.

- I think you all should know

that my son should be on the all-star team

and not playing with these bimbo nimrods.

- Are we nimrods? What's happening.

- Lady, pipe down.

You can say whatever you want

about these other nimrods...

- Let's be supportive.

- But Tom is great at everything he tires.

- Yeah, I'm pretty solid.

- Your son is a failed bassoonist,

and he crapped his pants at Little League.

- Coach, why don't we wrap up the pep talk?

This is really not-- not pepping us up.

- ♪ 'Cause I'm a powerful woman ♪

♪ Always get what I want ♪

- Ugh, that woman is so annoying.

She ruins every soccer game. - I don't wish ill upon people,

but I went to church last week to pray that she dies.

Hi, I know you're talking about my wife.

- Uh, no! Your wife?

- Your wife is great. - Love your wife.

- We were talking about a different wife.

- There's no need to deny it. I mean, she is a nightmare.

Listen, can I show you guys something over here?

- Behind the dumpster?

- Okay, I know what this is, Nurse.

This is a dumpster blow job scenario.

- Wh-- - Absolutely not.

- Okay, forget I said it.

What do you want to talk about?

- Tell me if society

would frown on something like this

and if this is inappropriate,

but what if we slip her some kind of sedative?

- Wait, what?

- I mean, is that wrong? - Yes, it's wrong.

I can't believe you just said that.

- Nurse, let's hear him out.

- Are you listening to yourselves?

- I am listening, and I'm hearing some stuff I like.

What kind of sedative are you thinking?

- You know, mild. Mild to heavy.

- No! - Okay, yeah!

Mild to heavy sedatives.

- No, no, no, no. - You're the school nurse.

So the whole thing would be medically supervised.

- I mean--

- A lot of these drugs, they're basically harmless.

It's like drinking a glass or two of chardonnay.

- - You gotta save the kids.

- Who else, if not the school nurse,

will these children look up to in life?

- You know what? Count me in.

- All right! - I feel good about this!

- Here we go, guys! Yes!

Good job!

Come on, y'all!

There it is!

Whoo!

That's it!

That's what I'm talking about!

That's what I'm talking about!

Good job.

Come on, y'all! - Hey, parents, uh-oh.

What's this? Free hot chocolates.

- What a surprise! - How unexpected.

- Yeah, help yourselves,

but the cups are very specifically labeled,

so no swapping.

- Oh, no one's swapping anything, Brad. Relax.

- All you kids are gonna have fun.

Let's get Tom the ball. - Oh, please.

Leave mine here, 'cause I need to go talk

to this jackass coach. - Oh, no.

- Sure, but keep an eye on it.

I don't want anyone swapping it.

- Relax, you are such a weirdo.

- Hey, we never formally met. My name's Tom.

- Shut up. - Shut up? Okay, that's fine.

All right, let's just get this over with.

- Look, if I pass it to you today,

it's because I believe in you. - Thank you.

- Not because Coach said, "Pass it to the dud."

- He calls me the dud behind my back?

- Nah, nobody calls you dud, but even if they did,

you're still our teammate, you know,

and we've got your back, so--

- Why even bring it up?

- I'm just saying there's a possibility

that throughout the game, people are gonna be like,

"Hey, pass it to the dud."

You know, who cares? - The dud?

That's not even a creative nickname.

Come on, guys.

All right, I'll catch up in a minute.

Free drinks, sweet. - Oh, no, no, no.

- Hey, Double D, want a drink? Good energy boost.

- Do not drink it. I can't stress this enough.

- Your wife is right. You need to relax.

All right, let's play some soccer.

- Oh, dear God.

- All right, guys, yeah!

Aw! - Ah, I'm exhausted.

- Look alive, man! You're never gonna score a--

- Nelson, is it considered acceptable

to take a nap mid-game? - No.

- No? - What are you thinking?

- Quick, like, a quick one. - No, you can't take a nap.

In the middle of the field?

- Five-minute nap. Please cover for me.

- This is where the dud nickname comes from.

- Man down!

- What is happening? - Oh, great, that does it.

This kid has got to go. - No way, lady.

Tom's doing great out there. - He's sleeping.

- - He's just taking a power nap.

- Now, on the field?

- Come on, my son, Tom, is great.

- Stop defending your loser. We want him gone.

- Maybe we want you gone.

Everybody, attention. Listen up.

What do you say we start a petition

to have this woman banned from these games?

- I like that idea.

- You can all shove your petitions up your assholes!

- Honey, please, don't say "asshole" in front of the kids.

Aah!

- Don't you dare question me in public.

- Wow!

- Yes, ma'am.

- How long was I asleep?

This all happened in two minutes?

- All right, everybody, thank you for coming.

You know I appreciate it.

I know my email said this is a PTA meeting,

but it's--it's actually an intervention.

- Thought so. Gear up, Dakota's mom.

- A petition has been circulating

to have Dakota's mom banned

from all sporting events.

- Wait a minute. Is that what this is about?

- This is great!

- Dakota's mom, in the administration,

you are what we call a "problem mom."

- Problem mom? I'm--I'm the only one without a problem.

I'm looking out for my child.

- Well, it's not just you, okay?

We've identified three problem parents

you, the original one;

Randy's dad, who, quite frankly, scares me...

- I could crack you in half.

- And, of course, Tom's mom.

- Hang on, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm the one who started the petition.

I coined the phrase "problem mom."

- Yes! That's exactly the kind of thing

that a problem mom would do. - Wh--

- If you want to attend any more sporting events,

I need you to attend this seminar.

- "Taking It Down a Notch"?

- It's like driving school

but for maniac parents who can't conduct themselves

in a civilized manner around other people.

- Fine by me.

- Weird seminar music, no?

- All right, everyone, I want to welcome you all--

Cut! Stop!

Right now.

Now, you're here because you behave like Neanderthals.

- What? - Wait, what?

- What did you just say?

- Let's begin with some role-playing.

Let's pretend I'm, say, a referee

who just made a bad call.

Dakota, how would, say, your mother respond?

- Uh, she'd say, "Hey, nimrod, do you need me

to shove that whistle up your asshole?"

Then she'd grab the whistle and literally try to do it.

- That doesn't sound like me at all.

- Mom, that literally happened yesterday.

- Problem mom!

- We're making progress.

Randy, what would your dad say?

- My dad has a bit of a temper, so--

- You idiot!

Why are you washing our laundry in public?

- Dad, please! - Come on, we're out of here.

- I want to stay at the seminar.

- Come here! - Stop dragging me!

- We're going. We don't need this.

- Difficult dad!

- Let's move forward.

Tom, what would your mother say?

- Can I sit this exercise out?

If I impersonate my mom, it's not gonna end well.

- What do you mean, not end well, in what sense?

- It means I'm gonna get punished.

My mom does funny punishments, okay?

- Tom. You know what? He's tired.

- Name one. - I don't know,

like making me take a bath in Mountain Dew

and then be really sticky when I go to school

for the next week? - Tom, let's put a sock in it.

- Oh, my gosh. - That's so sad.

- She'll make me, like, run around the block a few times

with no pants on. - Oh, let's don't tell this.

- Make me scream, "Look at my wiener!

I should have cleaned my room."

- So abuse but with a lighthearted twist.

- For your info, he cleaned his room that night.

Tell you that much. - Problem mom!

- No, no, Jacob, please, for your own sake, don't do it.

- Thanks for getting together, guys.

We should have done this a long time ago.

- Yeah, look, I want to apologize.

I really went off the rails. I need to look inward.

I realize that now.

- Oh, yeah, you know, being a parent is stressful.

And I just-- I forgive everybody,

because it's hard. - Mm.

- And let's be honest.

Some of us don't--just don't have the mental capacity

to handle it.

- What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing.

It's just that, you know, some people are like

overgrown children themselves, you know?

- I get all that, but why are you looking at me?

- I'm looking at you 'cause I'm talking to you.

Oh, my gosh. - Listen up, lady.

I did this to be nice.

I don't need a creep and a chubby bimbo

calling me dumb while I enjoy my latte.

- Hey, hey, hey. - That does it.

Here, why don't you finish my Frappuccino?

- Whoa!

- Yeah. - You put it on my boobs?

- You need something on them to make them show up.

- You know what? Have a scone, Dakota's mom.

- Oh, my God! - Hey, hey, hey, come on!

Come on, hey, let's be reasonable, huh?

Look at us!

- Excuse me, if you're gonna pour the coffee

on each other's boobs, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

- Okay, we need to finish what we started at soccer.

- Bring it on. - Whoa! Hey!

- Take that! In the eye! There you go!

- Come on, now, stop. Stop it! - It's in my mouth!

- Take it down a notch, okay? - What?

- If you have a disagreement,

at least have an organized fight

where we can charge admission.

- Oh, my God, that's a great idea.

- Okay, you can't sit on each other in front of the doorway.

You need to leave. - Well, Mr. Sensitive.

- Oh, Mr. Sensitive Green Shirt.

- Big night. Coach started a mandatory

"pass it to Tom" rule,

so think I might score, finally.

- That's right, baby. I'm hyped up, man.

Good luck out there today.

- Thank you, Nelson. I appreciate that.

- Hi, kids. Quick announcement here.

I hope you're having a large day.

Today's soccer game is canceled

due to the overwhelming interest

in the fight being planned in the gym.

- Fight? What kind of lunatic is fighting in the school gym?

- Tell your parents Tom's mom...

- Oh, no. - Will fight Dakota's mom...

- Oh, my goodness.

- In the gym tonight at 5:00

and admission is $10.

- Uh, Tom, is there something you want to tell me?

- This is honestly the first I'm hearing of it.

- Uh, Mom? - Mm-hmm, yeah?

- Anything you want to share with me?

- No, can't-- can't think of anything.

- You don't have any big fights

or any kind of combat scheduled?

- Oh, the fight. - "Oh, the fight"?

- Tom, I wasn't gonna tell you.

- Mom, I'm gonna find out about something like that.

What are you doing? - Okay, well, look.

I was shooting my mouth off,

and it all just got away from me.

I don't want to fight her. - So just cancel the fight.

That's easy. - No, I can't do that.

- What do you mean, you can't?

- Look, I would happily cancel it,

but I'm not gonna set a bad example for my son.

That would teach you that it's okay to quit,

and I'm not gonna do that, Tom.

♪ ♪

- I feel like you're setting a bad example

no matter how you play it at this point.

- Thanks for coming out, folks. I know we're excited.

I just want to make it clear.

No biting, no kicking.

And there's no tactful way to say this in front of the kids.

No punching in the pussy. Thank you.

- What? - Oh, my God.

- Does that really need to be a rule?

- Fight! Fight!

- Hurt each other! Come on!

- I don't know why you took your bra off,

but I'm about to punching bag those bitches.

- Why don't you just shut your little trap, and let's--

why don't we just start fighting?

- Okay, this is complete madness.

I need to stop this.

All right, you know what? Guys, hold on, hold on.

I--I'm sorry, I gotta interject.

When I heard my mom was gonna fight,

it inspired me to write a poem.

Jacob, if you don't mind.

- This poem is called "My Mom, My Hero."

- Nuh-uh!

You got us all riled up for a fight

and now you got little kids reading poems?

- I mean, we paid good money for this!

- Someone needs to fight, or we're not leaving.

- Tell me if this is inappropriate,

but I'd be happy to fight my wife.

- What?

- That is a fight I would like to see.

- No. - Yeah!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

- Don't encourage it.

- Oh, please, Brad, you weigh 120 pounds.

- Aah! - There you go.

- Aah!

- I don't feel like my poem had the impact I was hoping for.

- Not at all. - Aah, my butthole!

- ♪ Remember there's more road ♪

♪ And places to go ♪

♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪

♪ More people to fornicate ♪

♪ And remember there's a lot of good omens ♪

♪ Supplying the proof ♪

♪ That our life is the best joke ever told ♪

♪ Remember it's a joke and leave it alone ♪

♪ Let go and try to be always abiding ♪

♪ Remember if there's one good reason for dying ♪

♪ The sweet silver lining ♪

♪ Through you she lives on ♪

♪ And therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow ♪

♪ We can float anywhere ♪