Original subtitles

- ♪ Now as our poor young lungs deflate ♪

♪ I'll admit I've gotten older ♪

♪ Mellowed out, chatting up those I used to hate ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The feeling that we're lost will always fade ♪

♪ I present no explanations ♪

♪ Can't expect our tired patience ♪

♪ To satiate for long ♪

♪ Therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪

- Uh, principal?

They told me you wanna see me

and that you're-you're furious. Principal, you there?

- Gotcha. - Wait, what?

- The principal's at lunch.

- That's not funny at all, Brenda.

I gotta question your sense of humor.

- It's super funny, trust me.

- Since when do you have a good personality?

I thought you were the boring lady who sits in the hall.

- When the principal is here, I'm buttoned-up Brenda.

But once he leaves, man, I let lose.

- Let's get buttoned-up Brenda back.

This is not working. - Here's why I called you in.

- Okay. - The principal's 20th

anniversary at school is coming up.

So we're throwing him a roast. - A roast?

- Where you make fun of people, but you do it in a fun way.

And we want you to be the roast master.

- Roast master? That sounds like a lot of work.

I'm-I'm gonna pass. - There's no passing.

No, no. No passing. - Eh.

Count me out. - It's been decided.

We already went to the print shop.

We made a cardboard cutout.

- I didn't approve that. That's not sanctioned.

- It's not up to you to approve anything.

Once you're on school grounds, pfft with your rights.

- I'm a minor, so you can force me to be a roast master?

- Yes. We'll force you to sit in a room as long as we want,

and we can force you to make jokes.

- I know we friends and everything

but this is a travesty. - I know.

- I got passed over for roast master, for you.

- I agree, you would have been better, but hey,

don't let it ruin the sleepover.

Do you mind if I run some of my jokes by ya?

- What you got?

- I think I'm gonna open with, "Greetings.

"The principal is very excited

"when he heard we're having a roast.

"But I think the guy was--I think

"he might have thought we were

talking about roast beef."

- Oh, no. - I gotta work on the phrasing

but that's the gist of the joke.

- Yeah, we get it. What else you got?

- The principal drives a Ford Fiesta,

which is Spanish for "party."

But the last time I checked this guy's a real

party pooper. Am I right, people?

- Man, this is gonna be terrible, man.

You gonna bomb. - You're right, actually.

This is not funny.

- We got one night to make you funny.

- All right, what do I do?

- Come with me, Tom.

- Wait, where are we going?

- Shh. My dad's asleep.

I don't wanna wake him.

- What is this weird room? - This is a man cave.

- Are we allowed to be in here? - We not men.

So technically we breaking and entering.

- Oh, my God, what an incredible room.

Wesley Snipes, grown lady's boobs,

couple of weird hats. This is incredible.

What do we do now? - Oh, man, we are about

to watch some roast.

- Oh, he's got a collection of roasts.

This is perfect. Learn from the professionals.

- Ryan is so unattractive.

When he smiles at me, I take an immediate shit.

- Huh, kind of an off-color joke.

- Oh, Brian, look at the nose on that guy.

If you can find it.

It looks like a pig's butthole.

- I love this dude, man.

- Is that funny or very hurtful?

- At a roast you say things that are hurtful.

But then you laugh and say, "Just kidding. Love you buddy."

- Why not just say the last part?

- Oh, that's not a joke really.

- What a dog-shit career this guy has.

I mean, if I woke up with that career

I'd put a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger.

Oh, Brian,

you pig nose son of a bitch. Love you buddy.

Oh, you're the man. You're the man.

- Ah, you see people are having a ball.

Look at that. - Right, but I can't say

any of these things. I'm a kid.

- Like my dad says, nothing more adorable

than a curse word coming out of a young child's mouth.

- I don't think my mom would agree,

but you guys seem to know what you're talking about over here.

- Uh, hi, gang.

I can't believe you guys did this for me.

It's--after 20 years, I love you people like family.

And as the saying goes,

you can't spell "principal" without pal.

And that's--that's how you kids make me feel.

Not like I'm your principal or an authoritative figure,

just feel like I'm your pal. And I--and I do appreciate it.

- Wow, so emotional.

All right, I'm your roast master.

If you need anything, just holler.

Uh, why don't we start with Dakota.

- Hi.

The Principal is a real bozo, like, bozo the clown.

- Aw, so precious. - Oh.

Oh, she got me good.

- The principal is here and he's really silly.

Am I right, guys?

- Oh, man, I'm questioning the material, I really am.

- But we do love you and we're so happy that you're here.

Thank you. You've been roasted.

- Aw, this is adorable.

Oh, I hope someone's filming this stuff.

- Um...all right. Number one.

The principal's glasses are always dirty.

- That is true.

- The only thing filthier than his glasses is his ex-wife

Shannon who was caught sucking off the UPS guy.

- What? - Language. Tom.

Okay. Wow. Tom.

- I got--I got more. I got more.

I shouldn't have opened with that.

The principal dreamed of playing for the Yankees.

Right, Principal? - Eh, it is true.

- But the last time I checked there's no position in baseball

called fat piece of shit.

- Oh, this is horrible. What the hell is going on?

- Do you just maybe have some normal jokes?

- I was told foul language is encouraged.

- Who told you that? - You know what?

I-I know I had some disappointments in my life

but I didn't know--I mean,

I'm gonna go drink myself to sleep and cry into a sock.

- I should have stopped with the roast beef joke.

- Hey, kids. Get back in class.

Just because the principal is out

does not mean it's a free for all.

- Hey, go suck off the UPS guy!

Bam, you've been roasted, Tom style, baby!

- They really latched on to that phrase, didn't they?

- Well, well. - I came to apologize.

- Sorry, Tom. Principal called in sick.

- Oh, no. - He's very depressed.

- I gotta say, I think maybe Hector shouldn't have

called him a dumb-dumb. That was in poor taste.

- Are you kidding, Tom? Do you realize

that all the teachers are calling you Asshole Tom?

- Now, that's crossing the line.

- Oh, that's crossing the line?

Now you're deciding what's in good taste.

- Well, just tell him I'm sorry.

If you talk to him, just tell him I'm sorry.

- No, there's no I'm telling him anything.

You need to talk to him and make this right.

- All right, I'll go pop in and say hi.

I'm sure he's fine, though. I mean, he's the principal.

-

- What's going on in there? - Principal, are you in there?

-

- Principal, are you okay? - We gotta get in there.

- All right, you know what? We're coming in.

Principal? - Oh. Hey, guys.

Come on in. Grab a slice.

- Are you okay? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Are you sure? You really look like a train wreck.

- Tom, your insults were a real wake-up call.

And I've decided to quit my job

and become an assistant bookie with my friend, Lu.

- Oh, no, don't do that. Nah. Those were jokes.

- I'm sorry, which part was untrue?

Do I not have a weight problem?

- Yes. It's not an ideal physique.

- Did my wife not blow the UPS driver?

- She did. That's a well-documented story.

- Have I not failed at pursuing all my childhood dreams?

- You've clearly failed at many things.

But we can--you can laugh about it now, right?

- Nah, you just don't laugh. It's tragic.

Look at my bucket list.

I've crossed not one thing off of it!

- Huh, let's see what you got here.

Sit on a hammock? That's pretty easy to do.

- Well, I literally sat on a hammock an hour ago.

- Eat a steak? - Yeah.

- You've never eaten a steak? - I've come close but,

you know, something always goes wrong.

- These seem like very easy dreams to achieve.

- Yeah, well, that's what makes it so pathetic.

- Oh, how does this sound? Look.

If we help you check everything off your list,

you come back to school on Monday.

- How are you gonna help me check every single thing

off this bucket list? Take another look at it.

- Principal, we're gonna do it.

We're not taking no for an answer.

- Deal. - That's great. All right.

Let's shake. Oh, wow. That's disgusting.

That's a very greasy hand.

- Number ten on the list. Sit on a hammock.

- I did it. Check it off the list.

I sat in a hammock. Yes!

- Okay. You sat in a hammock.

- Oh, my God, I ate a steak! After all these years.

Check another one off the list, baby!

- Number three on the list, believe it or not,

is slide down a bowling alley like a human bowling ball.

- Wow, that's top five?

- Oh, my God, I'm riding in a Buick.

Check it off the list.

- Did number two on the list really say "ride in Buick"?

- Says it right here. "Ride in a late model Buick."

- Okay, one last thing on the list.

See Glenn Hubert the comedian. Who's Glenn Hubert by the way?

- He's only my favorite comedian.

He does a clean act, just like a ton of observational humor

about church and pudding and cookies and picnics.

- Sounds like he sucks.

- Wait. Wait, what's this? Sold out. Oh, no.

- This is just... just the story of my life.

I'm, like, so close and then I blow it.

My neighbor's right. I don't deserve to be happy.

- C'mon, don't give up.

We promised we would get you to return to school.

Let me--let me see what I can do.

- Go ahead. - Hey.

Can I have a quick chat? - Mm-hmm.

- Can we--can we talk, comedian to comedian?

- I'm a doorman. I'm not a comedian.

I'm not funny. - Seem pretty funny.

- No, I'm not funny.

- Is there any way you could sneak us in

to see Glenn Hubert? It's for my pal.

He's not doing so well. He's seen better days.

- What, your pal? Which one?

- Over there, over my shoulder.

- That's so sad. - It is sad.

The number one thing on his bucket list,

you ready for this?

See Glenn Hubert live in concert.

- I'll talk to Glenn. - That's amazing.

- Maybe he'll even give him a shout out.

He loves doing good deeds like this.

- That's a very good deed.

Listen, if I can ever repay the favor, just say the word.

- Okay. What is it he can do?

- Anything, as long as, like, it's related to the bassoon

or Wiffle ball or basic things like that.

If you need a back--you wanna borrow a backpack?

- Why would I want a backpack? - I don't know.

I can't repay the favor. This is a one way street.

All right, guys, I pulled some strings.

I told him I'm a roast master. We're in.

- What? Oh, you're the best.

- We're seeing the whole act.

Glenn Hubert, Todd Glass and free nachos.

- Wow. Maybe he is the roast master.

- Yeah, in the comedy circles, I get a lot of respect.

- You guys ready for some wholesome comedy? Huh?

- Yes. What a night. - Incredible.

- Yeah. Yeah. How 'bout some clean jokes?

Well, here's your guy.

The sweetest, cleanest,

nicest guy in the game, here he comes.

Give it up for Glenn Hubert.

- Hi. Hi, everyone.

I went to church this morning.

What's up with these pews?

Why are they always made of wood?

Eh? Ever hear of cushions?

C'mon.

- So him just saying the word "cushions" is the punchline?

- Look at the principal. He really loves this guy.

- Look at his eyes. I've never seen him

light up like that before.

- I've never seen a guy laugh like this.

- You know what ruffles my feathers?

Pudding.

It's not quite ice cream but not quite custard.

C'mon, pudding. Make a decision.

- Not a great joke. - Look, I like to tease.

But let's take it down a notch.

I understand we have a special guest in the audience.

He's always wanted to see me live,

and tonight he gets his wish.

Where is the little guy? Don't be shy.

- Right here. - Oh.

This is the guy. - Right here, right here. Look.

- Wait. This is him?

I was told this is the Make-A-Wish thing

for a little kid. - Oh, no, I never said that.

- You clearly said my pal. I thought it was him.

- If I said my pal, I meant princi-pal.

- Princi what? - You can't spell principal

without pal. - What the hell does that mean?

- He's not a kid. He's, like, in his early 50s.

- 46. - Folks,

there's always one asshole in the crowd,

and here he is.

- Wait. I'm actually, like, your biggest fan.

- I tried to do a clean act, folks, but fuck this guy.

- Glenn, please, this is a special night.

- Oh, it's a special night?

In that case, have a drink on me, asshole!

- C'mon, that was uncalled for.

- - Oh, no, not the crotch.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Hey, don't touch me.

I still need to cross this off my list.

- Look, if we need a replacement,

I was on the shortlist for roast master.

See what you think of this. What's up with Tom's mom?

- Nelson, no. - Always with the flip flops.

You live in New Jersey, biatch. Buy some shoes.

Am I right?

- Wow, he is good.

If he'd have been the roast master,

we would have avoided so many problems.