Original subtitles

♪ I like it when you move it ♪

- As we say goodbye to sweet George,

let's remember the better days when he would sit in his bowl,

and kinda blink. Guy loved to blink, didn't he?

- He loved to blink. Yes, he did.

- Nelson, why don't you do the honors

and shove all of his personal belongings down the toilet?

- It's not going down. - Use your foot.

- I'm not putting my foot in your toilet, Tom.

- Nelson, put your foot in the toilet.

It's a funeral. Show some respect.

- My mom would kill me if I ruin these socks.

- All right, fine. I'll do it.

- Don't splash, man! You're splashing me!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on here?

- Mom, we're giving George a funeral.

- George died?

We got him three days ago, Tom. He cost 12 bucks.

- Excuse me. Sorry.

Should I keep playing the flute through this part?

- Keep playing. It's beaut-- it's really beautiful.

- Dakota, take it away from your mouth.

- Dakota, please. - Dakota, no more.

- Oh, my God. This is the worst funeral ever.

- The funeral's off 'cause we're going to the pet store

and we're gonna get our money back.

- Nelson, get her out.

- Nelson, don't. - Ow!

- Oh, my God. Stop. Don't. Give me the fish.

- Give it. - What is happening here?

- Other than putting your foot in the toilet,

this was a very tasteful ceremony.

- Hi, we came here and we were sold a faulty fish.

And, uh, the fish passed.

So if you just want to credit that back to the credit card

or give us some cash.

- Sorry, can't do it. - What's this?

- Can I interest you in a new fish?

- New fish? No. - We need a full refund.

- Yeah, here's the thing.

The fish was healthy three days ago.

He was swimming. He was happy. Now he's been whacked.

- Whacked? - Hang on!

Are you trying to say my son murdered George?

- As corporate policy, we don't say "murder" but yes,

I believe your son murdered the fish.

- I found the body. No one's denying that.

- How dare you say my son, Tom--

- Your son is standing there, ma'am,

with a blank expression on his face.

That's what murderers do.

- His face is always blank. He's a thinker.

- Is--is there a problem over here?

- This "lady"-- - What? Lady in quotes?

- Is trying to return a dead fish?

And she's giving me loads of

'tude because I'm not having it.

- All right, calm down. Thanks, Casey. I've got this.

Sorry you're upset

and I apologize for what just happened.

I'm not gonna try to sell you another fish.

- Okay, thank you.

- But what are your feelings on gerbils?

- No, there's no way I'm spending more money.

- Come on, Mom. He's so cute. -

- Yeah, come on, Mom. Come on, Mom.

- Oh. We can't afford it.

- Oh. I guess you don't love me?

- Oh, no, Tom. Do not make sad Tom face.

- You're still a good mom. Some mothers just care

about money more than their child's happiness.

- Fine!

What's the cheapest gerbil you've got?

- That would be a senior gerbil for $75.

- $75? Are you out of your mind?

- I'm not. Casey has issues, but I'm doing fine.

- Ugh. You know what? Fine. Wrap him up.

- Um, we don't say

"wrap them up" like it's a burrito.

- Casey, I've got this.

At Pet Depot, we happily wrap up all the animals.

- All right, Larry, play time's over.

Take a load off. Take a nap.

Make yourself comfortable. Let's circle back later.

- Hey kid, is your mom around?

That toilet is completely destroyed.

- You know, she doesn't talk to plumbers any more.

She told me to-to tell you to shut up and fix the toilet.

- What's this? - My dad was a plumber.

It's a sore subject. - Yes, yes, yes.

Okay, now I know who we're dealing with here.

- Whoa! Who's this cute little guy?

- My gerbil, Larry. He's 82.

- Hi, Larry. What a cutie you are.

- Isn't he cute? - Yeah, very cute!

Well, this is a little surprise for me in my day.

- I love him. - Hi, Larry!

Too bad you have to live your life in captivity.

You're like a little prisoner, aren't ya, Larry?

- Prisoner? What's this?

- What'd ya do? What crime did you do?

- No. He's my pet gerbil.

- I'm just saying his cage is like a prison.

- Nah, nah, nah. They call this the "Deluxe Cabana."

It's like he's on vacation.

- When you go on vacation, where do you--where do you go?

A little room?

- We don't--I don't go in a little room, no.

- Got'cha, got'cha, got'cha.

You know, I'm just a simple plumber, "shut up

and get in the bathroom," but if you ask me,

we don't have the right to treat animals as property.

- Well, you know, he was on sale, so--

- You think selling a living creature,

does that sound morally fine to you?

I don't know what your morals are in this house.

- Selling creatures?

Yeah, you can buy gerbils. People do that, right?

- Hmm. How would you like to live in a little teeny cage?

- To be honest, I think I would thrive in that environment.

- H-how about we take him for a little spin then?

- What do you mean? - How about you

pretend you're Larry for one minute?

- No. Aren't you here to fix the toilet?

What's happening? Oh, no. I don't want to get--

No, I'm not getting in there. No, no.

Please. - Come on. Hop in here.

- No, get back in the bathroom. This is too much now.

- Come on. It'll be fun.

Pretend you're Larry. - This is getting weird.

- Come on, just get in there. It'll be fun.

- That's not a reassuring voice.

Oh! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

- Ah, there we go.

- Did you lock the door? What's happening?

- If I could change one young person's mind,

I've done my good deed for the day.

And I always do my good deed for the day.

- I think you oversold how much fun this was gonna be.

You're not leaving, are you? What's happening out there?

Larry, what's he doing?

- Hi, uh, I need to reschedule my neck rub.

My son's been missing for an insane amount of hours.

And it just feels weird to get a massage right now.

- Mom! Let me out! - Tom? Are you in there?

- Mom, where you been? Oh, my God.

- Oh, there you are. - How long was I in there?

- I haven't seen you for six hours.

I thought you were kidnapped. - Oh.

You didn't call the police, or anything or?

- They do recommend you wait 24 hours.

It's what they say on all the shows.

- I don't know if that's the case, but--

- I was worried though. - Anyway, listen.

I did some soul searching. I think we got to let Larry go.

- Let him go? Are you on cocaine, Tom?

- Cocaine? No. What do you do? How do you--

- We paid a lot of money for him.

Plus, he's a member of the family.

With your dad gone, Larry's the man of the house.

- Wait. Larry's the man of the house? Not me?

- No. Larry's a lot older than you.

- All right, fine. Larry stays. - "All right, fine's"

not gonna cut it. Raise your right hand.

We're gonna do a promise pledge.

- What do I say?

- I swear to my mom--

- That I will not set Larry free.

- I will not set Larry free.

- I will keep him in this house as the man of the house.

And if I do not, then my mother will die.

I pledge on Larry's life. Amen.

- I'm not gonna say that, but you have my word.

- Larry. Oh, no. Oh.

Slave. Sorry. Prison. Cage. Prisoner.

- Who gave you the moral authority to enslave me?

You get me out of this God forsaken cage now!

- Larry! Larry! Ahhh!

All right, so much for the pledge.

That's just not gonna happen.

- Tom, what's going on, man?

I know you guys got money problems

but there's literally a rat in your jacket.

- That's not a rat. It's my gerbil, Larry.

I'm gonna set him free

at the school today. - Set him free?

- I just want to let him know the taste of freedom.

I'm gonna let him go on the soccer field.

Turn him loose. - The soccer field?

Tom, do you see cleats on this guy?

- Cleats? On Larry? No.

- Do you see colorful Umbro shorts?

- I don't. - Exactly.

You need to leave him in the wilderness.

He's a wild animal.

- Nelson's right. - Here we go.

- Gerbils are direct descendants of wolves, Tom.

- They're not little wolves. - Tom, there are two things

buses and rodents.

- Okay. - This guy's an apex predator.

He needs an ecosystem where he can thrive and hunt and kill.

- Oh. Okay.

So where's the wilderness in Central Jersey?

- Behind the TJ Maxx is perfect.

Sorry, kids. Emergency pit stop.

Tom needs to hop out and poop real quick.

- No. Pee. I've gotta pee. Why would you say that?

- You need all the time you can get.

- He's right. I got to take a quick dump.

- Tom, you're gonna make everybody late for school!

- Just give me, like, a half hour.

- Why now? We're, like, two minutes from school!

- Hey, what can I say?

I prefer the woods. I can't hold it.

I need some privacy and some time.

- Okay, little angels.

As you know, this weekend is our big--

- Hey, Tom? - Hey.

- Are you okay? 'Cause there've been a lot

of high profile pooping incidents recently.

- Oh, I wasn't really-- That was a decoy.

I did a good deed. I set my gerbil free.

- Hm? - To live in the wilderness.

- What? - In the woods behind TJ Maxx.

- Tom, gerbils are domesticated pets.

Without food or water, he'll die!

- What do you mean? He's like a wolf.

He's like an apex predator, I was told.

- What's their prey?

Little pellets that come in a bag?

- Excuse me, you two. Is there something

more important going on than syncopation?

- Tom's gerbil's in the woods behind TJ Maxx

and if we don't find him now, he's gonna die!

- Your gerbil is on the loose? - I'm on it.

I'll blast out a community alert.

Tom, what's the reward? - Oh, just put down a dollar.

My mom has money problems. - No, no. That's not enough.

Um, I'm gonna put in 10,000!

- 10,000? No, no, no! - Done. Let's go.

- Done? - A 10 G gerbil!

- No, we--we never established the 10 G's.

- Are you kidding me? Let's go find that gerbil!

- Loser, swipe. Fake hair, swipe.

Fingered me in a parking lot, swipe.

"$10,000 reward for missing elderly gerbil

in woods behind TJ Maxx." Son of a bitch.

- Okay, everyone. Welcome to the manhunt.

I really appreciate you coming out.

As a very wise plumber once told me,

"Every life is precious."

- Hi, everyone. Attention! Hi. Hello.

I'm Tom's mom. I'm in control here.

And to clarify, there's no reward.

That was a joke.

- A joke? What happened to the ten grand?

- I'm gonna get fired

'cause I helped you search for this gerbil!

- I'm gonna leave. - Okay, fine.

For argument's sake, let's say there's a reward.

You'll get $10,000. Of my own money.

Now, I'm gonna have Tom,

my son here, explain who we're looking for.

- Thanks, Ma. Well, he's of average weight.

And average height. Average gerbil height.

Standard gerbil color. In the beige family.

- Yeah, that doesn't help. - All right, he's elderly.

So when you search, it's important that you yell,

"Here, sweet baby Larry!"

- So we're just looking for a nondescript animal

in a large wooded area while we're screaming,

"Here, sweet baby Larry." - Oh, last thing.

You need to cut up some sliced pears and say,

"Who's ready for din din?"

I know it's a lot.

- Now, please,

can we get serious and go find that gerbil?

- Tom, we need to find Larry ourselves

or it's coming out of your college fund.

- Ugh. You're not great at pep talks.

♪ ♪

- Sweet baby Larry!

- Larry! Larry, Larry, Larry!

- Here, sweet Larry. - Who's ready for din din?

- Tom, it's been two hours

and we've gone through five pounds of pears.

- We can't give up. We can't give up.

- Oh, my gosh! Guys!

I think I found sweet baby Larry.

- That's amazing! Hold on to him! I'm on my way!

- I'm gonna get $10,000 rewa-- Ow!

- I got him, people! The gerbil is safe.

And I just saved 10 G's!

- Ah! Great job, Mom!

Ah, it's so good to have Larry back.

- This is amazing. What a happy ending!

- Everyone, over here! He's alive.

Larry, say thank you to the crowd.

- Ahhh!

Oh, son of a bitch hawk!

- Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a pet owner.

- I tried to warn you. Do not talk to plumbers.

You talk to a plumber, the next thing you know

a hawk's flying off with your gerbil.

- ♪ Remember there's more road ♪

♪ And places to go ♪

♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪

♪ More people to fornicate ♪

♪ And remember there's a lot of good omens ♪

♪ Supplying the proof ♪

♪ That our life is the best joke ever told ♪

♪ Remember it's a joke and leave it alone ♪

♪ Let go and try to be always abiding ♪

♪ Remember if there's one good reason for dying ♪

♪ The sweet silver lining ♪

♪ Through you she lives on ♪

♪ And therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪