Original subtitles

- ♪ Now as our poor young lungs deflate ♪

♪ I'll admit I've gotten older ♪

♪ Mellowed out, chatting up those I used to hate ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The feeling that we're lost will always fade ♪

♪ I present no explanations ♪

♪ Can't expect our tired patience ♪

♪ To satiate for long ♪

♪ Therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪

- Kids, I've graded your mid-term exams.

Some of you performed atrociously,

while others stepped up quite well.

- B-minus?

- Oh, don't be mad, Tom, it was a hard test.

- Mad? I'm ecstatic.

I've never gotten a B-minus in my life!

- Oh, well. Congratulations, then.

- Oh, my God, I'm gonna dance. I can't control myself.

- My man! I knew you could do it, baby!

- I've never been this happy in my life. I got a B-minus!

- Attention, students.

I'm sorry to interrupt, but this is very urgent.

Tom, I need to see you now.

- Kind of puts a damper on the B-minus dance.

- Get up right now and go, go, go, go.

Run towards my office!

- Hey, Principal, I ran down the hall.

What's going on? - Tom, it's about your mother.

- My mom? What do you mean? Is she okay?

- Are you kidding me?

She's better than okay. She's on fire.

- Wait. I'm not following. What?

- I'm attracted to your mom, and I've been watching her

for years at PTA meetings, at bake sales.

I saw her come out of the supermarket;

I sat in my car, I got aroused.

- I'm not sure this was an urgent matter.

- Well, it's urgent for me. I need a favor.

- Okay. - When you get home, I want you

to try to casually weave my name into the conversation.

- Just casually weave it in? - Casually. Something like,

I don't know, "The principal's got a great personality.

Hey, ever notice his tush, Mom?"

- That's not gonna sound natural.

When I get home, I usually just say, "When's dinner?"

- Tom, you owe me. - Do I?

- How do you think you got a B-minus?

- Hard work? - I pulled strings, okay?

- Wait, you're saying it's a fake grade?

- Yeah. - Oh, this is really going to

a dark place here.

- Not if you know how the world works,

it's not dark, Tom.

But the most important thing is

please keep this between us.

- Why? - Well, the school frowns

upon--they almost over-frown upon principals

hitting on moms.

- My son got a B-minus? - Yeah, it's no big deal.

- This is amazing!

- Yeah, enough about me, though.

- I couldn't be more proud.

- Uh, anyway, on an unrelated note,

I just overheard some of the moms talking at school.

They really seem to think the principal is hot.

- Excuse me? - The principal.

They seem to think he's got--

uh, what was the phrase? Cute buns or a--

- Cute buns? - Hot tush.

- So a lot of butt talk about the principal.

- It was a lot of different stuff.

They got into the personality, the fun sense of humor.

- Mm-kay. - I don't know why

I focused on the--on the butt comments,

but it was a lot of positive talk, is all.

- Did the principal tell you to talk to me about his body?

- You know what? I think the guy likes you,

so do--do what you will with it.

- He likes me?

Wow, this day keeps getting better.

- Oh, it's a good thing? - Guess what.

The guy's a principal

of a school. - Okay.

- This guy can declare snow days.

He can order textbooks in bulk.

He can have bike racks installed wherever he wants.

- I don't know if that's considered powerful.

- If I can upgrade from plumber to principal,

we're back in business. - Really?

- You tell him I'm in. - All right. Great.

- Even if it gets weird. Even if he's into some kink.

Like, whatever kind of date he wants to go on, I'm in.

- I'll just say you're in.

- Excuse me. When you get a chance,

could we get some, uh,

water from the sink, and is all the bread free?

- Uh, yes, sir. All the bread is free.

- And I know you brought us butter.

If I asked for extra butter, is that free, too?

- Yeah, that's free also, sir.

- Okay, thank you very much.

- Okay.

He's being silly and hilarious.

We're gonna take the seafood tower

and your classiest wine,

'cause I am on a date with a principal.

- What do you think principals make?

- Well, more than my jackass husband used to make.

Let's get some photos, make him jealous,

show him how good I'm doing. - Oh, no, no, no, no.

If this gets out, I will lose my job.

- No one's gonna see it. Hey, waiter! Come over.

You're gonna get some pictures of us. Okay?

- Okay. - I'm gonna lay on the table.

He's gonna undo his shirt, and I'm gonna put lobster

on his bare skin and eat it off of his skin.

- I don't like to do that. - Oh, okay.

- Oh, geez. - Okay!

- Oh, that's inappropriate.

- Okay, baby bird some lobster into my mouth.

- Okay.

- What have I done? Oh, this is not good.

- Principal? Is that you? - Oh, Tom!

Oh, my God. It's so funny seeing you here.

- It's my house. This is my kitchen.

- Yeah, I just didn't expect to see ya--

- Why are you here? - I stopped by

to go over your grades with your mother.

- Is that my dad's shirt? - Oh, that?

I spilled coffee on my shirt this morning.

And I--

Tom, I'm gonna--I'm gonna level with you.

I didn't think this thing

with your mom was gonna escalate so fast.

- Okay. - I mean, your mom's

a wonderful woman, but she's a maniac.

- That's a lot to take in.

- Tom... I'm schtupping your mother.

- Schtup? What is that? - We-we you know.

Flippity flip, floppity flop.

Look, I don't know how to say it in--in a--

- Does it have to do with pancakes or what are you--?

- Tom, the important thing is that no can know about this.

If this word gets out, I'm done.

- All right, so what do you want me to do?

- Promise me you'll keep it our secret and I will give you

anything you want at school. You name it.

- Anything? - Anything.

- Literally anything?

- Literally anything.

- Just anything, anything I want?

- Just say it.

- How about, uh, free pencils

and some kind of, uh, pouch to keep them in?

- Done. - Really?

- Yes. - That's amazing.

- Aw, look at my two guys.

Tom, get on his lap.

Principal, you feed him some pancakes.

We-we need to stick it

to my ex-husband and to Tina the slut.

- This doesn't feel right at all.

- Let's just get it over with.

- Free pencils? - How sweet is that?

- Man, this guy is throwing rod in your mom

and all you asked for was free pencils?

- All I asked for? I'm never going to need a pencil again.

- Come on, man! You need to think big.

With a secret like that, you could ask for anything.

- All right. I mean, I guess we could try

escalating this a bit. - Nelson's right.

- Oh, boy. Here we go.

- With blackmail, you basically own the person.

- Own them? - In grown-up terms, Tom,

you could say he's your bitch now.

- Please don't curse on the bus.

- Guys, how do you think I got

this sweet bus driving gig?

- You didn't just apply? - Blackmail.

- Oh. - Got nude pics

of the bus dispatch guy. - Henry?

- That's how I have job security.

I can do whatever I want.

- I'm tempted to say, can we see them?

- He's sucking his own dick, guys.

- Oh! Hey, hey, hey! Whoa. - Whoa.

Wow. - We've got to start sitting

further back on the bus.

- Hey there, big boss man.

- Oh, wow. Is this peppermint?

Don't mind if I do.

- All right. First of all, put the peppermints down!

And you guys don't just come running in here like that.

Do you even have an appointment?

- Appointment? - We're not appointment guys.

- Listen, I know what's what.

Tom told me you's banging his mom

and you offered him pencils.

You offered my man pencils? - Are you joking?

- Sorry, I crack under pressure.

I told him. - This is outrageous.

- We would like to leverage this to our advantage.

- Yeah, we want to, um, do

a little blackmail type thing.

- We've got a list of demands.

- This is ridiculous!

A VIP card that gets you out of trouble?

- Laminated. - Two recesses per day?

Great. And I have to read an anti-Hector announcement,

oh, that you guys write?

- That's it. - Come on, I can't do this.

- Who's the principal now, bitch?

- Wow. - All right, all right.

That's too much. I know we have power now,

but that was crossing the line.

- Um, may I ask why you two aren't in class?

- You may not. Talk to the VIP note.

- Oh, my God.

- All right, guys.

I have an announcement

that I have to read to you.

Hector is stupid. - What?

- Thank you. I'm telling you

because if I don't, nobody else will.

- Come on, wrap it up.

Recess is over.

- Actually, we're gonna double dip.

- Double dip? - Double decker recess,

whatever you want to call it.

You have a problem, talk to the principal.

- ♪ Let's get it on now ♪

- Oh, we are living. I'm having a great time.

- Wow, I'm having a good time too.

I mean, but, uh, just, uh, if you could just ease up

on the churros because they're $10 each.

- Why would you care about $10 each?

You're a prina-ci-pal-a.

- Do you mind if I ask how many you bought?

- 30. - Oh, my! 30?

Are you kidding me? That's $300.

- Yeah. - What are you doing with them?

- A couple I ate, but mostly I'm just throwing them.

- Hey, knock it off!

- So 2 you ate and 28 you're throwing!?

- I mean, some ratio akin to that, yeah.

- Oh, my God. -

- Give me my credit card. Seriously.

- Come and get it.

- I don't want to come and get it.

- Hey, you.

- Stop throwing the churros, lady!

- Oh, Nelson. I like this VIP lifestyle.

- The sun is shining on us. - Taking a long lunch

while the rest of the chumps are in the cafeteria.

- This whole mom banging episode

really worked out in our favor.

- Oh, no. - What? What?

- What's this? Dakota's mom?

- How many moms is this guy banging?

- All right, we gotta stop this.

- We gotta do something.

If he break up with your mom, our privileges are done.

- This has to end now. What do we do? Google it.

"How to stop principal from banging moms."

- "Stop principals from banging moms."

- "Principal banging multiple women."

- "Principal banging--" Ugh!

- Nothing comes up? - We got 18 results.

Only two of them in English.

- Oh, man. Let's get out of here.

All right. What's the plan?

- We're gonna hack his computer.

- How are we gonna do that?

- Look, we just need to guess his password,

then write a break-up email to Dakota's mom.

- Oh, I love that. - What do you think

a guy like him would use for a password?

- I don't know, "principal" or, uh, "the principal"?

- "The principal." Nope.

- Try "a principal." - "A principal." Nope.

- Try "I'm the principal." - "I'm the principal." Nope.

- Hey, guys!

Need some help with your homework?

- No. We're trying to hack

a grown man's email.

What kind of passwords do grown men use?

- Try every variation of the word penis, followed by 69.

- How many variations of penis are there?

- Oh, there's a lot. Are you ready?

- Dong69. - "Dong69". Nope.

- Rod69. - "Rod69." Nope.

- Wiener69. - "Wiener..." Nope.

- Johnson69. - "Johnson..." Nope.

- How about Boner69? - "Boner69." That's it!

- All right, we're in! - Thanks, Dad.

- I'm glad I could help. - Screw unlimited pencils.

We're getting unlimited everything.

Now we just need to craft a carefully worded email.

- All right, let me write it.

I'm pretty smart, with the B-minus and all that.

- Oh, no. No, Tom.

This is my territory. I know how adults talk.

You see how I just talked to that adult?

- All right, you write it.

I'll chime in. - Let's go.

"Dear Dakota's mom." - Nice.

- "Pursuant to my prior obligations"--

- Pursuant. I love that. - "As per our meeting..."

- It sounds like a principal wrote that. It's amazing.

- Come on, everybody!

- Hey, Coach?

I know you got gym class going on

but can you clear the floor for us?

- What are you saying? - Tom and I have chosen

to play a game of one-on-one today.

- Uh, this is a gym class.

I can't clear the floor for two kids.

- Oh, he don't know? - Yeah, he doesn't know.

- Oh, you don't know? - Talk to the card.

- What is this?

He's giving special treatment to some kids and not others?

- Hey, I mean, this is the way the world works, I was told.

- This is what Martin Luther King marched about.

- Speaking of marches, Coach, get the marching band together.

We're about to play full court one-on-one.

- Full court? - Let me get your whistle.

- Oh, no, no, no, no. You don't touch my whistle.

- Coach, I hate to pull rank. - Tom, my whistle will not go

in another man's mouth. - Give me that whistle.

- No. You're not-- What? No. No.

- Hey, this is the game of the century, Coach.

You don't want to miss this.

- No, I can't just leave school to rent mopeds

and just cruise around all day.

- Lady, you cannot go in there.

- Hold on. I'll call you right back.

- No! I said you can't! - Yes, I am.

- Don't make me forcibly restrain you.

- Don't touch me like that! Gah! Oh, she's biting me!

Oh, look who it is. Principal Dickwad.

What is this email that you sent?

- I sent an email? - Don't play dumb,

'cause guess what? I was smart and I printed it.

I meet with you to discuss a bake sale,

and then you write back saying you can't bang me

since you're already banging Tom's mom?

What is that?

- I didn't write anything. What are you--

- Dating a student's parent is strictly off limits.

It's taboo!

- No, I-- - I swear to God,

you better fix this and you better fix it now.

- You know what? I'm calling it off,

because she's a handful anyway. Thank you for swinging by,

because you're doing me a favor.

- Hey, look who it is. - I have to break it off.

- Oh, yes, I agree. This is great.

- You're not upset at all?

- I found out what grade school principals make.

Heh, you make less than an average plumber.

- Okay, I'm not dirt poor, but--

- I mean, you're pretty poor. See ya!

- Okay.

- All right, me and Nelson are gonna play

a little one-on-one while you guys watch.

- Hector gonna do the play-by-play.

- That's just the way it's gonna be.

- Ah! Percussion! Start right now.

Can I get a low tat-tat-tat-tat?

- We've really come a long way

from the pencil request, I've got to say.

- We're two kings right now about to make history.

- Here we go!

- What a match up.

Two legends in basketball going head to head,

where us losers get to watch the best game of their lives?

What?

- Attention, everybody.

I have a quick announcement.

Some fake VIP passes have been floating around,

so if any idiots come up to you

and say they should get special treatment,

please tell them to shut up. Have a nice day.

- All right, let's play!

- Well, fun while it lasted, I guess.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait. What happens now?

- Just be regular ten-year-old kids, I guess.

- Aw, man. We're falling on hard times.

- ♪ Let's get it on now ♪