Original subtitles

- Tom, take this the right way,

but I'ma put some feelers out for a new lab partner.

- Why, you're not happy with the volcano?

- No, it look like a pile of manure!

It don't even erupt. - You know what?

I grabbed some extra stuff from home.

Let's see if this works.

- What you got? What you got?

- We got blackberry brandy, windshield washer fluid,

and mountain breeze air freshener.

- Okay. - That's gotta burn, right?

- We can work with this. - Right?

- Put these on. - Nice.

- I'll stand at a safe distance.

You start dumping things until it explodes.

- Why am I doing all the work on this team?

I built the volcano. - Tom, we've been over this.

I'm the scientist. You're the unskilled laborer.

Now start dumping. - Okay, step back.

Let me show you how science works.

A couple fluid ounces of this.

Brandy.

That's weird. It's not erupting.

- Here, here. Let's do this the Nelson way.

Oh. Whoa. - Oh, no! Oh, no, flames!

Oh, no, what's happening? Oh, no!

Everybody run! Run for your lives!

We're all gonna die!

- Is nobody gonna put out the stupid volcano thing--

Okay. I guess I'll do it.

- Hey, hey, kids.

Your principal called me in to talk about fire safety.

Now, I know I'm not supposed to curse in front of you,

but who knows what a pussy is?

- Um, a person like Tom? - What?

- Exactly. Come here, buddy. This little guy right here.

- Oh, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. - He saw the flames.

- Oh, no-- - And he ran.

- You got it all wrong.

I ran to get the fire extinguisher.

I'm a hero. - You fled the scene.

- I fled out of bravery to save everyone.

I fled to save.

- You think that's what Superman does?

You think Superman flies away for a bit

and then comes back to save?

- I'm sure he does all kind of things.

- Horrible person. Look at him.

Yasmine here, she ran to the flames and saved lives.

Hero.

- Guys, come on, we--

all right, tell the dog to relax.

She literally poured iced tea on a volcano.

- Excuse me?

- I'm just saying, hero might be a strong word.

I mean, let's-- - Where I come from,

we have respect for first responders.

- I don't know if I'd call her a first responder. She's--

- Now you're being disrespectful.

You gotta leave the truck area.

- She took two steps.

I don't wanna leave the truck area.

- Say you're sorry,

and then get the fuck outta here.

- How is there no teacher out here to supervise us?

- Tom, before you do these things,

you need to ask yourself, how will this affect Nelson?

- I know. I shouldn't have run.

I shouldn't have run and screeched.

- Come on, you old piece of pain in the tush!

Ah, sorry for the language kids,

but I can't get this thing into gear.

Mother-bleeping C-word! Stupid B-hole bus.

Get that heinie into gear, you piece of caca!

- I don't think these kid-friendly curses

are really landing.

- Ill rip your ding-a-ling off, you GD bus!

Okay, kids, stand back.

I'm igniting a common safety flare.

- Whoa. - Whoa, no need to panic, Tom!

- Panic? I-I literally said whoa in a deadpan voice.

- No, Tom panicked.

- I didn't panic. I'm not panicking.

- Don't flee the scene, Tom.

- This is the opposite of fleeing.

I'm literally standing here.

- Okay, kids, you stay here by the bus.

Try not to get shot.

Tom, hold this flare. Come over here.

- Okay, more fire. What's up?

- Here's the deal.

I need a new bus. - Okay.

- And you need an opportunity to look like a hero.

- I do need that.

- So tomorrow morning,

we fake an emergency on the school bus.

- Fake emergency? No.

the bus explodes.

You come running in.

- I don't like to run.

- You haul my ass out of the bus.

Everyone will think you're a hero,

and I'll have a new vehicle.

- That sounds abnormally dicey. - Trust me.

I know a guy who could rig it all up.

I mean, we're good.

- Wow, you know a guy who does fake school bus explosions?

That's amazing.

- Oh, what's up, player? I remember you.

- This is the guy? Glenn? - Hell yeah.

- Oh, you know each other? - You don't remember

he sold me drugs and I shoved them up my butt

and there was a whole scandal? - Yes!

- Anyway, so you know what you're doing here?

You can help with the fake fire and smoke?

- Does a cat have six tits? - Six tits?

I have no idea. Not a cat owner.

- Boom. - Oh, wow. Look at that.

- Worked on a Michael Bay picture back in the day.

So I know my way around special effects.

- This is impressive stuff.

You rigged all these explosions?

- Hell yeah, dude.

Renaissance man and shit, you know what I'm saying?

I'm all the ninja turtles wrapped into one.

- He's a wizard, Tom. - You know what's up.

So anyway, here's the plan, dawg.

I'll rig the bus with harmless movie smoke.

- Nice. - And on my cue,

the driver screams, "Run for your lives.

This bitch is gonna blow." That's what's up.

- I question some of the dialogue, but--

- Anyway, so then Tom says, "Not on my watch.

First responder coming through."

- I like that.

- Then Tom drags you out, and I'll be playing

some type of Aerosmith song in the background.

Boom. Credits roll. Any questions, gentlemen?

- Zero questions.

- Let's just hope for the best.

- This is Cobra, your eyes on the ground, over.

- This is Stallion. Radio check, over.

- This is Tom. Radio check, over.

- Tom, use the code names, remember?

I'm Cobra. He's Stallion. You're Louise.

- I feel like I got the worst nickname.

Can I say that? - Please identify yourself.

- Louise in position, over. - Thank you.

All right, guys, it's go time.

And in the off chance the bus does actually explode

and everyone dies, that's my bad.

I apologize in advance.

- Help, I'm stuck! The bus is gonna blow!

- Oh, my God, someone's gotta help the bus driver.

- Everyone, relax.

You're in good hands. First responder's on the scene.

- ♪ When a hero comes along ♪

♪ And saves a life today ♪

- Tom just ran into the bus!

- Is this really happening?

- Who is playing this music? It is fucking perfect!

- ♪ When a hero comes along ♪

♪ You will not forget ♪

- He's alive! Are you seeing this?

- Whoo, this little guy saved my life.

Thank you, Tom.

- You know what, Tom? You're a hero.

- Please, please. Don't call me a hero.

It's just what I do. I run towards fire.

I run towards fire and flames.

- Look at that article. - Thanks, Mom.

This--this is amazing.

- Well, I wanted to treat you to something nice.

This is big. I'm, like, an A-list mom now.

- But the hero's mom is usually not the focus of the story.

- Well, it should be

'cause the hero had to come out of the mom.

- Hey, hope you folks enjoyed your meal.

We are so grateful for what your son did.

Can I have everyone's attention, please?

- What are you--what are you--

- My dad, God rest his soul,

was a first responder like this young man here.

He performed many heroic acts.

Saved an old lady in a kayak once.

- That's amazing.

- Pulled multiple cats from trees--

- Multiple cats?

- But he tragically died while trying to deep fry a turkey.

- Oh, what a story.

- So as a tribute to him,

we'd like to offer Tom free meals for life.

- Wow.

- That's amazing. Thank you.

- This is for you, Dad. - Oh, my God.

Can my mom eat free too? - Well...

- Yes, we'll extend it to the whole family.

- Oh, wow! How about Nelson? Nelson too?

- Is he family? Who's this Nelson?

- He's more of a friend, but, you know--

- We'll discuss it. - He's in.

We'll make it a friends and family deal.

We'll even name a dish after you.

Anything you want.

- Something cheap. Like, a hot dog, maybe?

- How about something fancy?

Why don't you carve a bust of Tom's head out of meat...

- Wait, what? - Drench it in gravy,

and then light it on fire.

- That sounds insanely expensive.

- In memory of Dad, consider it done.

- Kids, I hope you're enjoying the new B3000

and the fact that Tom saved my life.

Tom, say a few words.

- Hi, glad I could save everyone's lives

and get us a sweet new bus.

I know I put Yasmine's rescue to shame,

but hey, it's not a competition, so thank you.

- I heard you get free food at the diner.

Can we get in on that? - Sorry, Hector.

It's just friends and family, so...

- Wait, are we not friends? - Friends?

I mean, more bus mates.

- So we're all just nameless faces on a bus?

Wow.

- Oh, hey. Stop. Stop.

- Eat this, Tom!

- Tom, you're losing the crowd, man.

Tell 'em what they wanna hear.

- All right, you know what? Fine.

If you go to the diner, just tell 'em Tom sent you.

- Hi, I'd like to order the Tom Special,

and can I get that for free?

'Cause my best friend Tom sent me.

- Can I get a flaming meat things for free?

Yeah, I'm friends with the little dude

who did the thing with the bus.

Yeah, I'm also friends with Michael Bay, no big deal.

- Hi, I'm friends with Tom and I'm also a first responder.

I put out a volcano.

And so I'd like a Tom Special for free.

So that's a dozen Tom Specials.

All for free. - Yep.

- Since these people are friends and family.

- And Mountain Dews all around, baby.

- - Thank you.

You guys are very generous.

Kinda like royalty in this place.

The king of the diner. They treat me nice.

- I can't believe this weasel keeps coming in.

He brought ten friends, Pete.

- She talking about me? - Well, we did make the offer.

- He's double-fisting the most expensive things on the menu.

- Double-fisting? - Calm down, honey.

- Let's just hope he unexpectedly dies

or moves out of town.

- Wow, Tom. Oof.

Man, you really screwing over these nice people.

- She's much friendlier when she's taking the orders.

- I can't believe this is free!

10 pounds of meat

carved into the shape of your son's head?

- Hey, those are the perks of having a hero son.

- Oh, hey, Ma.

What the hell is going on here?

- I started a Free Food Snack Club

for some of the moms.

- What? All right. You know what? That does it.

We need to cut this off. Everybody out.

Party's over. Donate the meat to somebody.

- Ladies, excuse me for a second.

I'm gonna go talk to my son.

He seems to be having a breakdown.

Hey, what are you doing?

- Cindy, can you cut off a chunk of Tom's face for me?

- You're gonna come in here and boss your mom? Uh-uh.

- I just don't wanna take advantage of this poor couple.

I mean-- - That's real sweet.

Is that what you want me to tell you right now?

You're a good person.

- I don't want to be the reason they go out of business.

- Ugh, all right. You know what? Fine.

If you want to end this, I have a solution.

Ah, thanks for seeing us.

That blurb you wrote on my son was very nice.

- Well, you got a very brave young man here.

- Tell her what you wanna do, Tom.

- You know, a lot of people are taking advantage

of the diner's free food offer.

So I just wanna put out a county-wide alert that says,

"Tom wants you to knock it off."

- Well, it's no bus rescue, but it is a nice gesture.

I'll put something in the next issue.

It'll be out in two weeks.

- Oh, no, we can't wait two weeks.

No, these people are hemorrhaging money.

- I'm sorry. The paper's biweekly.

And I know biweekly is confusing,

but it's the type where it's two times a month.

- You know what? They'll be fine for two weeks.

Tom wants to do the right thing,

but he also wants that blurb.

My boy likes his blurbs, you know?

Pete, this has gone too far.

We have to rescind the offer.

- Amanda, I gave Tom my word.

I can't just dishonor my father like that.

- I'm going through these receipts.

We're going out of business.

- What do you mean, we're going out business?

- Just the gravy is $15,000.

- I cannot rescind this offer, Amanda.

It's for my father, who died.

- If that's how you feel.

There's only one other option.

- Change the beef to some type of hot dog meat?

- No, I was thinking burn down the restaurant

and collect the insurance money.

- Wow, you really take things too far.

- Tom, this is your best blurb yet.

- It's pretty good. - Read it to me.

- "A local boy named Tom has graciously declined

"to accept free food at a local restaurant.

"When asked if he sees himself as a hero, Tom boasted,

'Abso-freaking-lutely. It's what I do.'"

- As a mom, this is what it's all about, Tommy.

- This was worth the wait, I gotta say.

Are you sure we can't just refinance or something?

- Pete, I already started the fire.

Now is not the time.

- Hey. - Hey, we're kinda busy here.

- Oh, no, don't worry. I'm not here for free food.

I actually have great news.

- "Local hero graciously stops accepting handouts,

asks friends to repay diner for free meals"?

That's amazing!

But why didn't you tell us sooner?

- Oh, Tom wanted to get a blurb

in the local paper, and it's biweekly.

- It would have helped to have this information sooner.

- Wait, what--what is that? Is that smoke?

- Tom, run in and get the fire extinguisher.

- Me? No.

- Of course you. - Wait.

- What happened to your courage? Get in there!

- That was a bus. This is a diner.

It's a whole different interface.

- Just go in there and save it

just like you saved the school bus.

- I can't do it. My mom simply won't allow it.

- I'm good with it.

I wanna see you in action, buddy.

- Mom, come on. - I'll do it!

- Oh, no.

- ♪ When a hero comes along ♪

♪ And saves a life today ♪

- They're playing my song. That's my song.

- Out of my way, Tom. - Whoa. Oh, this is not good.

She's gonna die.

- All good. Just a small grease fire.

- You are a hero.

- Thank you. Thank you.

- Not to be petty, but technically, I responded first.

- What?

- Sure, I didn't do anything, but I did respond.

At least give me credit for that.

- ♪ Remember there's more road ♪

♪ And places to go ♪

♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪

♪ More people to fornicate ♪

♪ And remember there's a lot of good omens ♪

♪ Supplying the proof ♪

♪ That our life is the best joke ever told ♪

♪ Remember it's a joke and leave it alone ♪

♪ Let go and try to be always abiding ♪

♪ Remember if there's one good reason for dying ♪

♪ The sweet silver lining ♪

♪ Through you she lives on ♪

♪ And therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪