Original subtitles

- ♪ Now as our poor young lungs deflate ♪

♪ I'll admit I've gotten older ♪

♪ Mellowed out, chatting up those I used to hate ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The feeling that we're lost will always fade ♪

♪ I present no explanations ♪

♪ Can't expect our tired patience ♪

♪ To satiate for long ♪

♪ Therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪

- $6 for a shirt?

- Isn't that what shirts cost?

- $9 dollars for pants?

- How much cheaper could pants possibly be?

- Excuse me, ma'am, if you're interested,

we have this rack over here

for a dollar a shirt,

- The Reject Rack?

- No, we're not Reject Rack people.

- We actually are Reject Rack people.

- No, we're pretty classy.

- I would like to check these out.

- Who would wear these?

- Tom, look at this one.

"My other T-shirt is a jean jacket."

- I can't wear that to school.

I'll be laughed out of the place.

- Tom, Count Chocula on a skateboard.

- Mom, Mom, these T-shirts are terrible.

- Oh, buddy. "Here's the beef."

And it's got an arrow pointing down to your crotch.

- These clothes have been rejected by society.

- Tom, they're a dollar.

Now go pick your favorite ten,

and your wardrobe's all set for the next year.

- They're all equally bad.

- Pick your favorite ten of the equally bad ones.

I hope you can find some winners.

- Hey, Nelson, can I ask you a question?

What's your honest take on this shirt?

- Oh, Tom, it's a look.

It's definitely a look. - Yeah?

- But this one might be a little bit too much.

- I should've worn the Mitt Romney one.

Dakota, what do you think?

- Oh, wow.

I can't tell if I'm offended or I'm really impressed.

- Offended? The guy at the thrift shop

clearly said, "No nips, no problem."

- I think as we get older,

one thing you're gonna look back on is

which adults you listened to.

- Okay, gang. Today we are playing kickball.

So I need you to split up into two teams--

wait, hold on a second.

Uh-uh. No, no, no.

Not in my class. - Oh, the T-shirt?

Is it--you don't like the-- the partial nudity?

- Think I care about nudity, boy?

- No. - I will not have

a student of mine wearing a Red Sox garment.

- Oh, the Red Sox.

- In this class, we are Yankee fans.

- Oh, no, I'm not a fan of anything.

It's just a random thrift shop purchase.

- Tom, the playoffs are coming up

and I can't afford you to jinx it.

The shirt's gotta go.

- What do you--you want me to remove my--my shirt?

- Take it off. - No, I can't take it off.

I mean-- - Oh, you're taking it off.

Tell you what, you don't take it off--

- Please. Please. - I'ma take it off for you.

That's right. Come here. - Stop, stop.

- This is a new low, even for our school.

- Go ahead. Film it. Everybody film it.

I want the world to know that Boston sucks.

Now give me this shirt. Yes!

- You're out of control, Coach. - I'm not.

This is what I think of your Red Sox around here.

- Oh, my god.

- Now watch it burn, kids.

Watch it burn.

- I'm on the field where earlier today,

an enraged sports fan burned the shirt of a student.

Here's a clip of the horror as it unfolded.

- Tom, you sit in the corner and you watch this shirt burn.

Damn it.

- Can you even imagine

what was going on in this maniac's mind?

I know I can't.

This shirtless child should act as a reminder to us all

that hey, it's just a game.

- Okay, I know how this looks, everybody,

but that clip was taken out of context.

- Was it? - Yes.

They didn't show any of the kickball stuff.

- This is bad, okay?

We can't be teaching kids how to hate.

- I don't get where it comes from myself.

My Uncle Bill is from Boston, and he's a really sweet guy.

- Uncle Bill sound like a damn fool.

- Why? Based on what? - He just sounds like a idiot.

- Okay. This is what I'm talking about.

Let's make this a teachable moment.

- Teachable moment? How? - How?

- Yeah, how? - I'll tell you how.

We do a field trip to a Red Sox game,

and we show these kids that no matter where you go,

people are basically the same.

- We gotta go on field trips?

Or how about we just say sorry?

What happened to that? Look, look, watch me.

Sorry, Tom. Whoops!

- That felt insincere at best.

- Sounds lazy.

- I was sincere as a mother--

- Oh, oh, oh, hey, oh, hey, oh!

Listen, it's decided.

The kids are going to a Red Sox game,

and Coach, you're gonna be their chaperone.

- What? - Oh, that's fun.

That'll be great. - Ugh. Okay, fine. I'll go.

But I'm just letting y'all know,

I refuse to enjoy myself.

- That's fair. That's a good compromise.

♪ ♪

- What a day at Fenway as we commemorate the date

Babe Ruth first signed with the team.

- Oh, this is fun. We're in Boston. Here we go.

- Yeah, I'm excited. Come on.

- Look at you guys.

What a symbol of unity and harmony.

Have fun today.

- Thanks, Bus Driver.

- All right, let's go.

- You know what? I can't do it.

- Can't do what? - Now that we're here,

I just can't let my shoes touch Red Sox asphalt.

- Come on, Coach.

We drove three and a half hours.

- We're here to take a picture of me and you

hugging at Fenway, so... - Hugging?

Listen, I ain't hugging shit.

- What? - Go without me.

- Yeah, but we've gotta see the trip through.

You can't say "I'm not hugging shit."

- Uh, the bus driver will take you.

Y'all--y'all go with the bus driver.

- Does he even count as a grownup?

- He's more of, like, a man child, right?

- How about this? Nelson, turn on the video call,

and you just check in with me, and I'll see it from here.

- Man, come on, Coach. - Please stop talking about it.

Get off this bus and go in there and do

whatever the teachable nonsense y'all supposed to be doing.

- I don't think you understood the premise of the trip.

I really don't. - Whee!

Coach, we are good! - Hey, Coach.

- Look at this. Wow.

- All right. Look at you guys.

I knew y'all could do it. I knew it.

- Very safe. Very safe. - That fresh Boston air.

Who knew? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Uh-oh. Oh man, look. - Look at what?

- What kind of asshole lunatic

shows up to a Sox game in a Yankee cap?

- Oh, no. - This is not good.

- Wait, what's not good?

- Yes, yes, I'm wearing a Yankees cap.

How about no swearing in front of the kids?

Maybe switching it up and saying "tush" or "heinie."

- Okay, fine.

Do you want us to shove that cap up your "tush"?

Or up your "heinie"?

Or straight up your asshole? - Oh!

- Yeah, you can't say the last part.

I mean, that defeats the whole purpose.

Hey, what-- - Oh, no.

- Oh, no?

- Don't take his pants off. - What--whose pants?

What is happening out there?

- Coach, you gotta get out here now.

- For what? - Kids, run!

- Run for your lives. - Go, go, go!

- Where is the bus driver?

- Can somebody open the dumpster?

- In retrospect, I agree

I was a poor choice of a chaperone!

- I am freaking out. We do not have a chaperone.

- All right, don't panic. Everyone's panicking.

- We need to pick a de facto leader.

- How about me? - You?

- What? No, Tom. - No. No.

- No, no, hear me out.

I know the ball boy here.

- What? - Wh--so?

- My Uncle Bill is a senior ball boy.

- Isn't that, like, a volunteer position?

- The important thing is, I've got a contact,

so let me call the guy.

- All right. - All right, here you go.

- Tommy. - Hey, Uncle Bill.

It's Tom from New Jersey.

- Why does he have to say where he's from?

- Listen, I can't talk now.

I'm taking a dump. - What?

- I can't get off the can, Tommy!

- Uncle Bill, please don't hang up.

No, no, no. -

- Who answers a FaceTime call while you're shitting?

- Yeah. - You know what?

I just thought of something. - Yeah?

- My dad knows the owner of the team.

- What?

- You should have mentioned that sooner.

- Yeah!

- Your dad knows the owner of the Red Sox.

- That's correct. - Yeah.

As soon as I said "ball boy,"

you should have offered all this up.

- Name? - Nelson.

My dad is friends with the owner.

Defended him once in court.

- I got a Nelson out here.

Yeah, he says his dad defended you once in court.

Yeah, I got it.

Yeah, no can do. He says your dad's an asshole.

- Oh, my dad put a much better spin on the whole friendship.

- Sir, I can't imagine this is gonna have much sway,

but my Uncle Bill is actually a ball boy here at the stadium.

- Wait a second. Your uncle is Enormous Bill?

- Yeah, I mean, he is enormous. - I had no idea

that Enormous Bill even had a family.

- Oh, yeah. - He's a legend here.

You know what? - That's great.

- Come on in here. - Wow.

I didn't expect that to work.

- Hey, guys, this is Enormous Bill's nephew.

- No way. You talking about Loner Bill?

- No, he's got a family.

- This is incredible.

- You must be Tom. - I am.

- Your Uncle Bill is a real character.

- I can't believe you know my Uncle Bill.

- Yeah, messes up the bathrooms,

but he is beloved around here.

Everybody loves him. - Yeah, my uncle's a fun guy.

Oh, and this is my good buddy Nelson.

I think you know his dad.

- This is the kid with the asshole father?

- What? - Get him outta here.

Can someone have this kid removed?

- Wait, gets your hands off of me!

Back in Jersey, people find me adorable!

- So, Tom, wearing a Yankee cap?

That's a bold choice, son.

- Oh, no, no. We're on a field trip.

My teacher had burned my Red Sox jersey,

so this is a field trip to learn about tolerance.

- Wait a minute. You're the boy from the video.

- That's me. - The shirtless idiot.

- No, no one calls me that, but, I mean...

- You are a legend, sir. - That's good.

- That story shone such a bright

and necessary light on a very real problem.

- It's true. People can be maniacs.

- I'd like to shake your hand, Tom.

- Actually, this is why I came here.

Dakota, get a picture of this. This is good.

- Great. - Just shaking hands.

- It's great. I got it. - This is great.

You know what? - Yeah?

- I'm gonna do you one better. - Okay.

- Linda, tell Casey Affleck he's bumped.

Tom here, the shirtless idiot,

he's throwing out the first pitch.

- I'm on it, but I'm not telling the guy.

You tell him. - Me? Oh, no, no.

I'm not good on the phone. - Hey, this is Casey.

- Hey, Casey Affleck. It's Tom.

Sounds like you're out and I'm in, so...

- And who the fuck are you, Tom?

- Just Tom from Jersey. Bassoon player--

- What are you talking about? - Pooped my pants once.

- This is bush-league! - You know what?

I don't have time to talk. I gotta go.

- Great. It's done.

- I don't think the fans wanna see me.

I don't have any fans.

- All right, Boston fans, in ten minutes,

we've got the shirtless idiot throwing the first pitch.

- Okay, Tom, you're here.

This is gonna be so much fun, right?

- Yes. All right. - Okay.

- This will be fun. - Listen to me here.

We got ten minutes.

When the light flashes, we're live.

- Okay. - Wave to the crowd.

Say something cute. - What?

- Then fire a fastball. - Fastball?

- And make sure you land it.

You cannot pull a 50 Cent or a Mariah Carey.

- You know, I don't do well in high-pressure situations.

- Oh, God.

- Can I run to the bathroom real quick?

- Okay. But hurry. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

- Everybody, move off to the sides.

We got the honorary first pitcher,

and he's gotta take a pee.

- Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. What the hell?

- A Yankee cap in Fenway? - Oh, oh, that.

We're on a peace summit of sorts.

- You better start to pee-pee right now.

- Come on, guys, please. This is a lot of pressure.

One, two, three.

- Guys, please, I can't pee-- - Four, five.

- With the countdown. - Seven.

- Can you please? - C'mon!

- I can't imagine any urine's about to come out of me.

- All right, come here. Help me grab this kid.

- No, no, no. - Come here!

- You had your chance. - This is socially--

- Now get outta here!

- Tommy. Holy shit. Is that you?

- Oh, Uncle Bill. Hey.

- Oh, my God. Come here. This kid's my nephew.

Give me a hug, you big goofy-looking son of a bitch.

Come here. - Hey. Oh, whoa, whoa.

- - Not in the bathroom.

Uncle Bill, it's too much.

Listen, it's a long story,

but I'm actually throwing out the first pitch of the game.

- Wow. - And I needed to pee first.

It's an emergency. I gotta find a bathroom.

- Okay. Okay. Listen, listen.

As the senior most ball boy here, I got full access.

- That's amazing. - Yeah, come on.

Come on, I'll show you. - Oh, my god.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Sorry. He's under my watch.

- Well, listen, I hate to pull rank here,

but ball boy outranks security guard.

- Ah, I don't know, Bill.

- Does ball boy outrank anything?

- There's no time to argue. We gotta pee. Come on!

♪ We're gonna make a pee-pee ♪

♪ We're gonna make a pee-pee-pee-pee ♪

♪ We're gonna make a pee-pee ♪

All right, Tommy. See that grass out there?

- Yeah?

- That grass is all yours.

- Oh, thank you so much. This is perfect.

- Anywhere you want.

- Oh, this is a pleasure. Oh, thank you, Uncle Bill.

- You're welcome, man. - Bro, what the eff, man?

- Oh, oh, I'm good. I'm with Uncle Bill.

- No, you're not good. What are you doing?

- I'm with Uncle Bill, I said.

- You're pissing on Babe Ruth's original mitt from 1914.

- Oh, no. - Look at this kid.

He's pissing on Ruth's mitt.

- What the hell?

- Oh, that's disgusting. - You suck!

- No. Honest mistake. I meant no disrespect.

- This is the ultimate disrespect, you little shit.

- Oh, no, if we blame anyone, I mean, let's blame

Casey Affleck, right? Right, Uncle Bill?

- Uncle? No. I never met this kid.

I'm the senior Ball Boy. I got stuff to do.

- Uncle Bill. - Get him, guys!

- Get in here. Get in here.

I got a text saying that our very own Tom

is going to throw out the first pitch at Fenway!

Are you shitting me?

- Sad day at Fenway

as there will be no ceremonial first pitch thrown.

A child named Tom was scheduled to participate,

but instead, he pulled out his wiener

and urinated on Babe Ruth's mitt,

further enflaming tensions...

- Well, that was disappointing.

That's why I don't like to get excited.

- And there he is, the little maniac

that urinated on Babe Ruth's mitt.

This child right here, in a nutshell,

is what's wrong with sports.