Original subtitles

- OMG, look at this little munchkin.

- Oh, hey, Mrs. Band.

- This is so cute I'm gonna barf.

- I'm trying to help my Mom pay her electric bill.

I need $100.

- He's got a hook, ladies and gentlemen.

Wow, you marketing genius.

Well, how much have you made so far?

- Zilch. You're my first customer.

- "Zilch," he says. This kid with the lingo.

Look at you.

You're adorable, you're hilarious,

and you've got an eye for business.

- I rarely get this much positive feedback.

- Well, maybe you found your calling.

I am honored to give you your very first dollar.

- Thank you so much. Do you want a large or a small?

- You know what? I don't even want the lemonade.

That's how much I believe in you, you cutie patootie.

- This is literally the best interaction

I've ever had with a person.

- Get used to it, hun. You're going to the top.

- I really found my calling. Finally nailing it.

- Tombo. - Oh, hey, Rick, the neighbor.

- What do you got going on, buddy?

The old lemonade stand, huh? - Yeah.

You know, everyone seems pretty impressed.

- Really?

Tom, do you know what the word "patronizing" means?

- No, it doesn't sound good. - No, it's not good.

In the real world, you would get slaughtered.

- Slaughtered?

- They would tear you a new a-hole.

- Mo--most people would have been more encouraging.

- Most people are idiots, Tom.

I'm in advertising, okay? I make a lot of money.

- Okay. - I bang a lot of chicks.

And I've literally got Clio Awards coming out of my butt.

Tell me, do me a favor and just check.

- Check what? - Whoops. Oh, what was that?

Did another Clio Award just come out of my butt?

'Cause I've got too many.

- You carry one with you just to make that joke?

- Tom, why don't you come into my agency one day?

I will have my team give you the tips on the lemonade stand

like you were a real client.

Does that sound fun?

- I mean, fun is a strong word.

I could use the help, though. I'll ask my mom.

- Okay, great. You know what? First, let's take a pic.

Ready? Rick pic if you will.

- Rick pic? - Say,

"My lemonade stand sucked balls

until Rick swooped in and saved the day."

- I'm not gonna say that.

- I love mentoring kids.

There's--you know, there's no better feeling in the world.

- ♪ Now as our poor young lungs deflate ♪

♪ I'll admit I've gotten older ♪

♪ Mellowed out, chatting up those I used to hate ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The feeling that we're lost will always fade ♪

♪ I present no explanations ♪

♪ Can't expect our tired patience ♪

♪ To satiate for long ♪

♪ Therein lies a truth we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow, we can float anywhere ♪

- Guys, tiny little Tom here is my neighbor's kid

and I promised that we would help him.

So let's treat him like a real client, okay?

- Happy to have you, Tom. Welcome.

- Jerry, please shut up.

Little Tommy, Margaret here is our star creative director.

Mags, give Tom your first impressions.

- Well, your table's great.

And the name is fun. - Thank you.

- The only part I struggle with is right here.

- The Tom part? - You got it, the Tom part.

You have a face that screams "I make bad lemonade."

- Bad lemonade? - It says,

"I'm making an inferior product

and I don't really care."

- Thanks, Jerry. I got this. - Sorry.

- Just to be clear,

you guys are doing this to be nice or mean?

- Guys, flag on the play, let me step in here.

Jerry, dim the lights and grab me a cookie.

- Sure thing, boss.

- Tom, what is lemonade?

Don't answer, please. Thank you.

Is it just a beverage or is it so much more?

Maybe it's a reminder of a simpler time.

Lightning bugs.

Putting a card in the spoke of the wheels of your bike.

A time when neighbors knew each other by name.

And the sound of children's laughter

wafted through the air.

- So true. - Damn it, Jerry, please.

Not when I'm going.

- Oh, sorry.

- Tom, you need to offer people a window to that time.

Like a comforting voice that says,

"It's going to be okay."

What you need is an old man.

- Yes. Love it.

- Jerry like-y that. - Old man.

That's the whole--that's the whole idea? You're done?

- Tom, this is what we do for a living.

Now, normally, we would charge $100,000 for that.

Great meeting, guys. Really good.

- Thanks for doing this, Grandpa.

I really appreciate you helping out.

- Oh, thank you for including me.

This is gonna be so much fun.

- Just be yourself, chat people up.

Our brand is all about the simpler times.

- It's my strong suit. - Hey, Ms. Munoz.

- Hello. What's this? A new employee?

- This is my adorable grandpa.

- So nice to meet you. - Let me tell you a story.

- Okay. - I had a lemonade stand

on this very block back in 1960.

I charged a nickel.

- Mm. - My slogan was,

"I like Ike, and you will like my lemonade."

- I love it.

What a great story. - That's folky.

That's folksy stuff right there.

- Give me two cups. - Wow, it's actually working.

We're up to $10. $90 to go.

- Denise, isn't this the cutest lemonade stand ever?

- It's so sweet. I'm putting this on Instagram.

- I once dated a girl named Denise.

High school sweetheart. - Oh.

- Had a caboose on her that wouldn't quit.

Just like you. Ho-ho-ho.

- Did you just touch my rear end?

- Wait, what? - Oh, no.

I was just jabbering on about my old sweetheart.

- Oh, uh-uh, uh-uh. No, I saw it.

He grabbed her rear end and squeezed it.

What the hell, Tom?

- He's just being folksy. He's being folksy.

It's like--like in the good old days.

- The good old days when people

just molested each other on the street?

- It's a compliment.

"A caboose that won't quit" is a good thing.

- Grandpa. Stop saying caboose. - You know what?

Don't stop. Don't stop what you're doing.

The world is watching you, old man, so--

- Please don't record anything. - What's going on?

- Oh, we see you.

- Why are all these broads recording me?

- Oh, my God. - Oh, we "broads" now.

Okay. - All right. You know what?

We're--we're gonna close up for the day.

All sold out, swing on back tomorrow.

- Wait, wait, wait. I'm confused.

Did he say caboose

or did he actually touch someone's caboose?

- He said caboose, then he--

he did a full palm grab of a woman's rear end.

- Like a basketball? - It looked like it.

It's on camera. The whole thing is--

- Oh, my gosh. - It's terrible.

- Tom, I don't think you're cut out for the business world.

- I know. I'm shutting it down. I wanted to help my mom,

but that's just not gonna happen.

- Tom, don't give up so easy.

A lemonade stand

is a time-honored childhood tradition.

- Not with me.

You gotta shut it this time. You gotta shut your mouth.

- Tom, I know you're stressed

and I know you're on the edge ready to jump--don't do it.

- Tom & Gramps is all over social media.

They're calling us two generations of molesters.

- Yes, I did see that and it doesn't look good.

But all you need to do is pivot.

The butt grab, where'd that happen?

Tom & Gramps. - Yeah.

- So change the name.

Something vague like T&G's.

- What do you mean?

You could just change the name and keep running the business?

- Yeah, of course. RadioShack is now "The Shack."

Kentucky Fried Chicken is now KFC.

The mercenary group, Blackwater is Academi.

- This is great. - Yeah. T&G's Lemonade.

"The only thing we squeeze are the lemons."

- Oh, my God. I love it. - Thank you.

- Nelson, you wanna join the company?

- Sure. But you gotta make me a board member.

I'm not a front counter apron-wearing type of guy.

- All right. You're on the board.

Hey, Principal, you awake?

- Yes. What do you mean "am I awake?"

- Some people sleep with their eyes open.

- We wanna buy some airtime

during the morning announcements, can we do that?

- Yeah. Like Buick and Grey Goose.

- You know, to be honest with you, it feels wrong,

but I do really admire your guys' hustle.

So I'll give you 30 seconds. That's it.

- Thank you. Thank you.

- Hey, gang, it's your principal here.

The following is a paid ad, okay?

It's frowned upon. It's illegal.

And if you could just not say anything to your parents,

I'll do you something good on the other side.

- Thank you and greetings.

As you may have heard, my grandpa recently grabbed

and squeezed the rear end of our school nurse.

- And this does not reflect the core values of our brand.

- My grandpa has been sidelined and I just want you

to feel comfortable when you come on in.

No one's gonna make a lunge for your butt.

It's just going to be a tasty lemonade

'cause that's the way we do it at T&G's.

- Where the only thing we squeeze are the lemons.

- Guys, seriously? That was impressive.

- Thank you. Well, we're learning a lot about business.

- Maybe I'll invest in you like that show "Shark Tank."

- Really?

- Well, I was kidding, but I mean, why not?

I like to encourage things like this.

And I got a lot of extra money from those

morning announcements, so here's 100 bucks.

- You're just giving us $100? - Yes.

All I want is my name on the door.

"The Principal." - I don't know about that.

No, you know, if we had a door, we--we'd accommodate this,

but we don't, there's no door.

This is amazing. I made my $100.

I can quit now and pay my Mom's bill.

- Quit? We can't quit.

We got to use this money to scale up.

- Scale up? - Yeah.

Let me introduce you to a concept they call "flipping."

- You're gonna flip lemonade stands.

- That's right.

- Put our branding on it and then sell it.

- And then we gonna buy two more.

And then we're gonna sell those two,

and then we gonna buy four.

- I actually like this plan. - That's right.

- All right. Let's flip lemonade stands.

- No slouching, Phil.

At T&G's, we stand tall. Bob, tuck your shirt in.

Where you think you at, McDonald's?

- Yeah. Tuck it in, please.

- It's so crazy how people could be so stupid.

- Yasmine, look alive. - Hey, that's salt.

That's not sugar, that's salt. Don't put that in there.

- Well, yeah, his grandpa is still alive.

It's just that he's been phased out of the daily operations.

You know, there was just so much groping going on.

Tushes and hands, tushes and hands.

It was like boop, boop, boop. - Hector, Hector.

Hey, we don't mention the Grandpa incident.

That was in the past, okay? Whole new company.

- Sorry, boss. - Thank you. All right.

Back to work. Back to work, everyone.

I can't believe we own a chain of lemonade stands.

We've doubled our investment.

- Hey, stick with me.

You'll be paying electric bills for complete strangers.

- Paying electric bills for strangers?

That doesn't really even interest me, does it?

- Tombo. - There he is. There's Rick.

- Other guy. How's your lemonade stand?

- Oh, we're not selling lemonade.

We're selling lemonade "franchises."

- It's great. - Tom, I'm blown away,

but can I offer a tiny bit of constructive criticism?

- Please don't criticize my face again.

- No one's doing brick and mortar these days, okay?

I would lose the lemonade stands.

- That's the whole thing. That's the whole business.

- The real money, guys, is in "licensing" the brand.

- No, I don't know. I'm--I don't know about that.

- Okay. My agency has the Trader Joe's account,

and they make these deals all the time.

I could set you up with a pitch meeting.

- Tom, we can make money in our sleep.

- I feel like I'm wealthy enough, at this point.

I made my sales goal. Plus, I'm pretty busy.

- Tom, from what I can tell, you play whiffle ball

and you chase squirrels. You're not a busy person.

- Oh, no, Rick, please.

Things like that, that's why my mom calls you "The Douche."

I'm not sure about this decision, Nelson.

I had the $100

and we spent it all on power ties.

- Come on, Tom. You need to spend money to make money.

When they see our power ties, they're gonna be like,

"Whoa, these guys mean business."

- Yeah. But when they see my Mom--

- Excuse me, do you guys have a suggestion box here?

Because I bought a party size of bagel bites

and it was not enough for a party.

- Yeah, your Mom kind of kills the power vibe, man.

We--we're gonna need to work around her.

Now, let's go close this deal. Just let me do all the talking.

- I have to admit, guys, this is so fun.

- Thank you. - I mean, two friends

inspired by their grandpas?

I mean, this is our brand DNA right here.

- I came up with the name and the slogan,

"The only thing we squeeze are the lemons."

- I love it. I love it. So what does he do?

- Oh, Tom doesn't talk in meetings.

- You know, sometimes I say dumb things.

It kind of runs in the family. -

It's adorable. What a pair. Okay. Wait.

So I wanna start back at the beginning.

Why Trader Joe's? - Why?

Well, it's all about corporate synergy. See--

- We even use your lemonade in this--in this whole thing.

- Tom, don't do it.

- I'm sorry. Come again.

- We actually-- - Tom, stop.

- Nelson, please, I got this. Don't touch the mouth.

We use Trader Joe's lemonade to make our--

we just pour it in and then we--

- Hold on. So this is our product?

- This is news to me. - Yeah.

Why are we not laughing anymore? What's going on?

- Why would we license our own product back from ourselves?

- Oh, no, no. We water it down.

- Tom. - Oh, that's even better.

So you are selling me back a diluted version of my product.

Is that it?

- I mean, when you phrase it like that,

it sounds like a bad business deal, but--

- Okay. Well, thanks for coming in.

Feel free to show yourselves out.

- Okay.

I think you were right. I should not do the talking.

No one in my family should ever do the talking.

♪ ♪