Original subtitles

- Okay, gang!

It's National Physical Fitness month!

And last year we were ranked in the bottom 5th percentile,

which is considered "lethargic and grossly unfit"!

Now how does this make y'all feel?

- Meh, I don't care.

- Yeah, that sounds about right.

- It's fine. - Come on, everybody!

Let's prove 'em wrong!

Now Tom, lead us off with some chin-ups.

- You know what, I'd love to, I'm just not a big chin-up guy.

- Tom, nobody is a "big chin-up guy."

Get up on this bar. - I really don't want to do it.

I--I just end up dangling there and a lot of grunting--

It's really embarrassing.

It's embarrassing for everyone watching.

- Get...on...that...bar!

- All right, you know what, let's just--let me bang out

a quick ten and--

Here's ten, you ready?

- You got it.

- - Come on.

- Dig deep! - It's not happening.

- Use those scrawny arms, Tom! - It's not working.

I told you. - Pull yourself up!

- You're making it worse. - Pull yourself up!

- The arms aren't powerful en--

- Tom, pull yourself--

You know what? I'm gonna just help you.

I'ma give you a little boost. - Oh, no.

What are you doing? - Oh, snap!

Look, he got his hands on his butt!

- That is so not allowed!

- Ugh! - Everybody just calm down.

This is called spotting. You need to mind your business.

Hey! Put the phone down.

This is not what it looks like.

- Uh! Agh!

- Oh, my-- Damn it.

- Oh, wow, look at that. I got a boo-boo on my knee.

I'm, uh-- can I go to the nurse?

- Did he just say "boo-boo"?

- Is boo-boo the wrong phrase?

- This whole generation is soft!

- Hey, uh, nurse Denise?

- Yeah? - I need a quick Band-Aid.

I had a little boo-boo-- little gym slip-up.

- Guess what, Tom. I don't have any Band-Aids.

Do you wanna know why? - I don't know, poor planning?

- Because this school doesn't give me the budget.

- Oh! - They value athletics

more than healthcare. - Can I just get the--

some kind of Band-Aid or gauze? Do you have any gauze?

- We've got a broken system, Tom.

And you are gonna help fix it. You're a warrior now.

- Oh, no. I don't want to be a warrior.

- All you have to do is walk back to the gym

and say, "I can't move my neck."

- I can't say that. I got full mobility of my neck.

- Okay, well, pretend. All right?

You ever heard of acting?

This is your chance to make a difference.

Do it for the children, Tom.

- I am the children. Children don't typically

do things "for the children."

- Okay. Do you remember your line?

- Can't move the neck.

- My neck, it's not "the" neck. - My neck.

- It's yours. - My neck.

- And stop waving your head around.

You can't move your neck

while saying "I can't move my neck."

- All right. I can't move my neck!

- Yes, but with conviction.

- All right, here we go. Try this on for size.

I can't move my neck! -

Get that boy on the ground!

- I'm--I'm okay. - Tom, don't move.

Are you okay? - I'm good.

It's not a big thing. - How many fingers

am I holding up?

- You're holding a cup of coffee.

- Yes, Tom, but I'm holding up

the cup of coffee with fingers.

- Mr. B, I'm handling this!

- You're clearly not, Denise!

- Mr. B, lower your voice. - Here, Tom,

Let me help you up. - No, don't lift me up.

Mr. B, please. - Hey, drop that boy right now.

- Whoa, ow! - Oh, my God.

- Okay, nobody touch him.

There's liability issues here, okay?

- You know what? You can go back--

Go back to your office. False alarm.

- Okay, listen to what he said

and ignore it. - Oh, man.

- Call 911 and tell 'em we've got a child

with a broken neck and a minor abrasion on his knee.

- And you know, I would have been able to treat this,

had I been given the proper equipment.

- All right, bring it down. Enough with that.

- Okay, son. Don't move.

I need you to tell me exactly what happened.

- It was nothing, let's go back to the gym.

- Son, when they call the MedEvac,

it's not a nothing situation.

You are typically either dead

or very close to being dead.

- Oh, my God. - Now give me a detailed

explanation of what's going on with your neck.

- Yeah, Tom, this is your chance to speak up.

For the children. - Uh, all right.

Let's see. As I remember,

I was banging out quite a lot of chin-ups.

- What? - I plummeted to the earth.

And I couldn't move my neck. And that was basically it.

- So when did you walk to the nurse?

- Oh, that's right. So I broke my neck,

and then I strolled over and chatted with the nurse.

- You were chatting to the nurse with a broken neck?

How did that happen, Tom?

- I'm very confused, I'm not gonna lie.

- Uh, he's, uh, foggy.

But you see what gym class has done to him.

- What happened? Someone plummeted.

- Ah, yeah, this guy's talkin' gibberish.

Fire up the chopper, Charlie.

We're takin' this son of a bitch to the city.

I mean, his brain is totally messed up.

It's just turds bouncin' around

in his skull at this point. Let's go!

- Tom? Tom, can you hear me, bud?

- Yeah, I'm right here. - All right, good.

You're at the top spinal center in Manhattan, Tom.

So even if I have to completely rebuild

your whole neck from scratch, you're gonna be okay.

- Rebuild? Oh, no, don't rebuild anything.

- I don't need you to weigh in, Tom--you're a child, I'm a man.

- But if you want a second opinion--

- I don't need one--if I did,

I would get another doctor. - I'm just saying,

don't rebuild anything,

don't slice anything--

- Well, if we have to,

we're gonna slice and dice and

put you right back together.

- Oh, my God. - Such a brave

little boy you've got, ma'am.

- Oh, thank you. He's a--he's a trooper.

Unlike his dad, who's nailin' some slut

in Myrtle Beach right now. - Okay, all right.

Not my business. - You gotta see his Instagram.

You're gonna puke. - Uhh, I don't

have time for that. - They got a dog?

Like, who's gonna take care of it?

They're constantly nailing each other in their condo.

- I've gotta go. - Look at this.

They went to eat at a Bubba Gump last night.

Look at her. - Oh, boy, getting a page.

I've gotta run. - Hang on, I gotta scroll.

- Tom! Thank God you're alive.

- Hey, Nelson! Thanks for comin'.

- Look man, we can't lose you.

- That's really nice. That's really sweet.

- Yeah, I can't make new friends on the bus, man.

I'm too old for that.

- Kind of a selfish take on it, but okay.

- What's up, Tommy? - Hey, Nelson's dad.

- I brought you a little something here

to cheer you up, man.

- Wait, what's this?

You got me a bunch of papers?

- That's paperwork for your lawsuit.

I wanna represent you.

- Oh, no, I'm not lookin' to sue anyone.

- Tom, in law, this is what we call

a "must sue" situation.

- Hmm. - Must sue?

- Must sue - This feels really, uh--

what's the word I'm lookin' for?

- Privileged? - No.

- Blessed? - I was gonna say--

I was gonna say "weaselly."

- Tom! It's an MSS.

It's a Must Sue Situation.

- I'm not sure that's a real phrase.

- No, it's a real phrase.

- Right. - I mean, I know

we're not litigious people.

But if this is a "must sue" situation,

I feel like we don't have any choice.

- There you go. - It's your call, Tom,

but I feel like we gotta go for this.

- It's my call? - It's your call.

- All right. I think we're gonna pass.

- Sounds like we're in. Where do we sign?

- Hi, kids. This is, uh, your principal.

As you all know, one of our students almost

died while exercising last week,

so please be extra careful out there.

I love you kids like you're my own,

and you know that, okay?

This announcement's brought to you by Hooters.

You're not old enough to enjoy boobs,

but when you are, you'll come into Hooters.

- Hey, you wanted to see me?

- Tommy, these headlines,

they're making us look horrible.

- Yeah, it's getting a lot of press, isn't it?

- "Rogue Gym Teacher Sued for Chin-Up Disaster"?

- Yeah.

- "Butt Grabbing Almost Kills Student"?

- He did grab it.

- "Dumbbell Gym Teacher

up to His Neck in Chin-Up Debacle"?

- I was told it's a "must sue" situation,

so you gotta just go ahead with the suing.

- Listen, we can't have this go to trial.

So tell your mom that the school's gonna

be preparing a settlement offer, and, uh,

here's the number we were thinking.

- This says "pick up booze and rubbers for the party."

- Oh, shit, that's the wrong--

- What's a rubber? What's going on here?

- I had it written down on a little piece of paper,

I don't know what I did with it, I'm sorry.

- Wanna just tell me? - It's $1 million,

but I just-- - $1 million dollars?

That's fantastic. - Yeah, it's a good number,

but I was looking forward to sliding it over.

That seems to be the fun part.

- $1 million dollars?

- That's what he said. He said a million.

- Oh, Tom, baby. We are new people now.

I'm definitely getting one of those suits you put on

so you can jump off of high things and fly.

- Oh, like a bungee cord? - No, I'm talking about

a thing that looks like a flying squirrel, a wingsuit.

- You know what I'm gonna buy? - What?

- I'm gonna buy a backpack.

- No need. I already pulled you

out of school. - I'm out?

- Yeah. Rich kids don't go to school.

- I think they go to school, but hey,

you're the mom here, right?

- Hola, señoritas and señoritos.

Welcome to Papitos.

- Oh, my God. Coach, is that you?

- Oh...no!

This is really embarrassin'. I'm not gonna lie.

They fired me. Said my negligence

could cost the school a fortune.

- You're gonna be good though. You landed on your feet.

- You call this on my feet?

- You got a great job as a busboy.

- This job pays minimum wage,

and I had to sell my car to make rent.

I walked 3 miles to work today.

- Good exercise.

National physical fitness month, right?

- Oh, you're just gonna

throw that in my face, huh?

It's not right. I do these things in the gym

because I care.

- Aw, that's sweet.

- I didn't win any trophies as a kid.

No one encouraged me.

So when I push your kids to succeed,

I do it out of love.

The love I never had.

- That's the most beautiful thing

I've ever heard in my life.

- Oh, hey. Hey, guys, not now.

Not a good time, guys. Not a good time.

- Yeah, guys, swing on back. This is very inappropriate.

- Really killin' the moment.

- You don't see the emotions on my face right here?

- You guys should stop at this point.

At this point it's belligerent.

Sit down, Coach. - Coach, sit down.

- Oh, you wanna play?

- Coach, please. - You guys wanna play?

- Oh, my God! No!

Coach, please!

- Eat that guacamole!

- Don't--not the guacamole!

- Don, stop it.

Pack your locker, okay?

I need to let you go.

- Me? What'd I do?

- You're drunk! And you're force-feeding

guacamole to the singer of the band.

Plus you've got a terrible Mexican accent.

- I--I might have lied on the-- on the résumé.

I'm not really from Mexico.

- You told them you were from Mexico?

- He wrote Oaxaca on the résumé.

Can I at least keep the sombrero?

- No, you don't get to keep the sombrero.

- No, no more chin-ups.

No, guacamole! Must sue!

Must sue, must sue. Can't move my neck!

Ah--no! Can't move my neck!

- Buddy, wake up! Wh--oh.

Oh, hey, Ma. - Are you okay?

- Yeah, I think so. Just having a beautiful dream.

- Aw, that sounds nice. - You know, I've been thinkin',

maybe we should pull the plug on this lawsuit.

I--I didn't know the coach was gonna get fired.

- Bud, a lot of good's gonna come from this.

Kids will be safer in gym because of you.

- Let's just give-- let's just give the coach half.

- Tom.

You're a sweet guy.

But half's a little crazy.

- I mean, at least give him 2/3 or--

- You know that's more than half right?

- I don't know, 7/8ths?

- Wh--babe, that's even more!

- Who even knows what these numbers even mean anymore.

I just don't want the coach to suffer.

He had to sell his car. I mean, that's crazy.

- You know what? You just gave me an idea.

Tomorrow, we're gonna make things right

with one simple, selfless act.

That sound good? - Sounds amazing.

- I'm proud of you, buddy. You hurt your neck,

you ate Mexican food, you did good.

- Settin' the bar kind of low, but thank you.

- How many times I gotta tell you,

they don't let me keep the sombrero.

- Well, what the hell were you doing

that they wouldn't let you take the sombrero?

- Why do you always think I'm doing something?

It's corporate policy!

- 'Cause you know I wanted to wear that for Taco Tuesday.

- You're always with your cultural appropriation.

Y--you don--

- Hey, how's it going, Coach?

- Oh, it's you. - Sorry to interrupt.

Listen, we have a surprise for you.

- I think you've done enough, okay?

- I would love it if you could just hear Tom out,

because, uh, he is about to perform

a random act of generosity

that is really gonna touch your hearts.

- Really? - That's right.

Coach, this is our way of saying thank you

for 20 years of teaching.

- This is the key...

to a brand new Ford Taurus. -

- There it is. - Wait, what?

Oh, my gosh. -

Oh, my God. This is amazing!

- It's all yours. - Wait a minute.

- Is that bird crap on the car? - What's that?

- Is it? Wait a minute.

- Is that bird crap on the car?

- Bird crap, where? - Right there, right there.

Is that bird crap? - That is bird crap.

- Did we say new? Did you say new, Mom?

It's not new. - No, I di--

if I did say that, I didn't mean to.

It's actually a 2004.

- A 2004? - But it's all yours.

- I think we're good.

- I'm sorry, Coach, but we insist.

We already leased a new Tesla,

so this is yours, whether you like it or not.

- So you're just unloading your old-ass junker onto us?

- No, this is more of like an Oprah Winfrey type situation.

- Oprah would've washed the damn bird crap off first, okay?

- No one knows what Oprah would've done.

- Oprah would've washed the bird crap!

- All right, thank you for coming, everybody.

- Listen, I just want to say before we start,

I like to have a catchphrase for each trial.

And we're gonna go with,

"If he broke his neck,

you must write check."

- Wow, that was great.

Listen, how 'bout a check for $0?

- $0? What are you talking here?

- Yeah, that sounds low. That sounds low.

- Oh, well, guess what? We reviewed Tom's MRI,

and we're a little concerned.

- What could you be concerned about exactly?

- Yeah, what's going on? - Sit back,

sand down the aloofness, and you'll understand.

This is the part I'm concerned about.

"The neck looks fine.

"No injury whatsoever.

Why is this idiot in the hospital?"

- The doctor wrote "idiot"?

- He's a tell-it-like-it-is doctor.

- Sorry. I might've overstated my injuries.

- Ooh. - Tom.

- I'm sorry, Mom, I know how much

you wanted that flying squirrel suit.

- Yup. Anyway,

looks like you have to go to school like a normal poor kid.

- ♪ Remember there's more road ♪

♪ And places to go ♪

♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪

♪ More people to fornicate ♪

♪ And remember there's a lot of good omens ♪

♪ Supplying the proof ♪

♪ That our life is the best joke ever told ♪

♪ Remember it's a joke and leave it alone ♪

♪ Let go and try to be always abiding ♪

♪ Remember if there's one good reason for dying ♪

♪ The sweet silver lining ♪

♪ Through you she lives on ♪

♪ And therein lies a truth ♪

♪ We can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow ♪

♪ We can float anywhere ♪