Original subtitles

♪ ♪

- Oh, my God.

This is just painful.

The kid on that bassoon is ruining the whole thing.

- Who, me? What's happening?

- My daughter, Dakota, practiced very hard for this.

- Dakota, say something. Your mom's out of control.

- I'm kinda in a tough spot here, Tom, sorry.

- Hey, lady! - Oh, no.

- How about you mind your own business?

- Ma, sit down.

- My son plays bassoon like an angel.

- Yeah, well, he's a sucky little angel,

and he sucks at bassoon.

- Oh, is this the day I fist fight in front of my child?

- Ladies, please, let's be civil.

Tom, play us a quick solo

to show everyone how hard you've been practicing.

- There's no such thing as a bassoon solo.

That's why I chose the instrument.

- Just play anything.

Stravinsky's Fifth in G minor.

- I have too much respect for my craft and for Stravinsky.

I won't do it.

- Have you studied anything?

Just play something.

- Okay, fine. Here's a little of, uh,

Beyonce's "All the Single Ladies."

Let me bang this out real quick.

- Oh, my God.

- Happy now?

- ♪ Now as our poor young lungs deflate ♪

♪ I'll admit I've gotten older ♪

♪ Mellowed out, chatting up ♪

♪ Those I used to hate ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The feeling that we're lost ♪

♪ Will always fade ♪

♪ I present no explanation ♪

♪ Can't expect ♪

♪ Our tired patience ♪

♪ To satiate for long ♪

♪ And therein lies a truth ♪

♪ We can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow ♪

♪ We can float anywhere ♪

- Hey, gang. This is your principal here.

Listen, due to budget cuts,

we are now accepting paid ads

during the morning announcements.

So remember, you're not old enough to drink,

but when you are,

you'll like the smooth taste of Grey Goose.

All right, that felt completely wrong.

We'll revisit that.

- Hey. - Tom, Tom, Tom.

- Hey, buddy.

- You know why I called you in here, right?

- I don't know, just general chit chat?

- Well, I'm getting a lot of complaints

about the bassoon incident. - Complaints?

- They say you're "dead weight."

- Dead weight?

- One parent called you "an albatross."

- Is that good or bad?

- Listen, I was hoping you'd give up band

and try something different, like baseball.

- Oh no, I'm more of a bassoon guy.

- What does that even mean?

- I love sitting in the background

with a large, nondescript instrument,

just flapping my lips willy nilly.

- Tom. - Yeah?

- I want you to listen to what I'm saying.

There's defining moments in your life

that if you listen, it'll change your whole life.

I played the tuba as a kid, and look where it got me now.

- You seem like you're doing great.

- I'm lonely, I'm overweight,

and I'm a light stealer.

I light steal. There, I said it.

- You steal things?

- Not, like, literally in my pocket,

but I leave things under the basket,

I put it up against the side, hope they don't see it.

- Oh.

- Is that what you want to turn into?

- I mean, you're not selling me

on the whole lifestyle, no.

- Just give it some thought. That's all I ask.

- Hey, Tom, what's up, man? - Hey, Nelson.

- Hey, you want to come over later?

- Nah, I've got a lot on my mind.

- A lot on your mind? You're 10!

These are the glory years, baby.

- These are the glory years? - Yeah.

Once we hit our teens, we're old.

What's up, man? Talk to me, baby.

- The principal says I need to decide

between bassoon and baseball.

- That's a tough decision. - You playing baseball?

- Hell, no.

My dad encourages me

to be an owner, not a player.

- Not like a fun childhood, but--

- Baseball players get way more action.

- Who are you talking to? Me?

- I'm talking to everybody within earshot.

- What's action?

I'm not familiar with the phrase.

- Tail. - Tail?

- Trim.

Don't make me say pussy, guys! There's kids on this bus.

- Hey, whoa! - That's the word from TV.

- Why are you talking about sex?

I'm not even interested in girls yet.

- I'm just trying to help, because I know

bassoon players are basically celibate.

- I think you got your facts wrong.

- They basically live like monks.

- Take it back. - I'm not taking it back.

Bassoon players, they get nothing.

Baseball players are swimming in ladies.

- Psst, Tom. - Yeah?

- This bus driver is literally the coolest guy we know.

If he says play baseball, you gotta play baseball.

- You think he's cool?

- Hell, yeah, I think he's cool.

- I like this kid.

You've got a stage whisper, they call it.

- You heard all that? - I have sharp ears.

I am the ear equivalent to a sharpshooter assassin.

- Let's go, guys. Jimmy, Chris, eye of the tiger!

Stop looking like a fool out there.

Come on! You're making a fool of me!

- Hey, coach? - Wh--Tom!

- Hey, coach. - Hey, buddy.

- Am I in the right place?

- Tom, you are obviously in the--Chris!

Would you move back! - Oh, my God.

- You are in the right place. You ready?

- No, these kids seem a little bigger than me.

- Yes, they're a little big.

Parents hold them back for size advantage, it's fine.

- The pitcher is literally shaving.

- I mean, he did drive to the game,

and he's a little hairy. - The kid looks like he's 32.

- Tom, I need you to get your uniform together

and get out there. - Oh, do people tuck it in?

- Yes, they tuck it in.

- I prefer to not tuck, if that's an option.

- Whoo whoo!

Come on, Tom! You can do it, buddy!

- Oh, my God. This old bag again?

- I'm here supporting my son.

- I thought you went home and died.

- Just ignore the lunatic from the recital, baby.

She is drunk on chardonnay,

and she is begging to get slapped.

- Let's go, kids! Let's go!

Let's go, Tom.

- Strike one!

- Whoa! Is that--is that legal?

- Throwing the ball? Yes.

- This kid's a monster.

Whoa! - Strike two!

- Oh, my God. That could have killed me.

- That could have killed you. It was pretty fast.

- All right, let's all slow it down,

and uh, let's do this again.

- Mm.

Oh, no. Whoops.

- What just happened? You okay?

- Can I have a quick word?

- Uh, yeah, it's not like anything important's happening.

- It's not a big deal, but I'm gonna need a change of pants.

- Okay.

- I can't imagine you have extra pants on you, do you?

- What, you don't like the pants you're wearing?

- I just pooped-- I just pooped my pants.

- Oh.

- I told you he was pitching too fast.

The whole thing's very stressful.

I'm used to more of a bassoon atmosphere.

- Okay, listen. This happens quite a lot.

We have a way to handle this kind of situation.

- Thank you. I appreciate that.

- You're outta here! - Wait, what?

- Player ejected! - Stop.

- Pooped his pants! - He's kidding.

- This guy right here pooped his pants!

- Okay, I just want to say for the record,

there was some false reassurance.

- It's in the rule book.

- Rule number 33 - B, "No player shall defecate

"his or her uniform

or defecate the uniforms of another player."

You're outta here! Take a seat!

- You're doing great, Tom!

Don't say a word, lady. Don't you dare say a word.

- Pooped your pants?

Pooped your pants? Tom, this is a disaster!

- People noticed? People noticed that?

- Of course they noticed.

It's all everybody's talking about.

- You know what? I'm going to quit.

I'm going to quit baseball.

- You can't quit. You gotta redeem yourself.

Otherwise, this is how people gonna remember you,

and you'll drag me down with you.

- Hey, little dudes, lean in. - Oh, God.

- You can play baseball.

All you need is a little confidence boost.

- What?

- A little juice.

A little Vitamin S.

- I know we leaned in for this, but I'm totally lost.

- A little bit of muscle pop.

- I think he's talking about 'roids, Tom.

- What, what?

- And I like where this is going.

- That's right. - I'm not doing steroids.

- Come on, man. - I don't want to cheat.

- It's not cheating if everybody does it.

All the pros do it.

I bet even the managers

are doing it at this point.

- It just sounds very shady.

- Tom!

- All right, you don't have to stop.

- This is what we're going to do.

Hide under a seat in the back. - Okay.

- When I drop off that girl with the braces,

you're free to come out of your hiding spot.

We're going to drive past the county line,

and we're gonna meet my buddy Glenn.

He's gonna give us the stuff,

we are right as rain.

- That goes against so many of my mom's rules

I can't even tell you.

- Listen, rule number one of drug deals.

Don't get your mom involved. I learned that the hard way.

- Right out of the gate,

why does this guy have a bag on his head?

- I'm a future franchise owner.

I don't support "'roids."

- Just act cool.

Glenn is on his way out here with the soft pretzels.

- Soft pretzels? I thought we're here for drugs.

- Shh, at these things, we use code words.

Soft pretzels means drugs.

- Oh, I like that. That sounds legit.

- Coincidentally, I am also treating you guys

to soft pretzels.

- Wait, shouldn't we pick a different code word?

- Well, we can't change it now.

That would make it even more complicated.

- This is complete chaos.

- Woot woot! Ah, what's up, players?

- Please don't tell me this is Glenn.

- King of the food court, you know what I'm saying?

Straight up.

- Don't have a good feeling

about this guy at all.

- This dude's the king of the mall.

Bow before him. - Hell, yeah.

Anybody want some soft pretzels?

Wink wink. - What's happening?

These are pretzels, or these are drugs?

I'm not following.

- It's the juice to get loose

on the diamond, dog.

- Juice? Is that an expression or--

- It'll make you hard as a diamond on the diamond.

You know what I'm saying? - I'm not tracking any of this.

- Conseco-style, dog. - Conseco?

- There's going to be so many girls at the ballpark,

dog, they're going to have to call a rain delay

because it's going to get so wet in there.

Straight up.

- What the hell's happening, Tom?

It's hard to track the story from under here.

- Okay, just act natural as I discreetly

stuff the junk into Tom's backpack.

Glenn, cover me.

- I got your six, player. Eyes and ears in motion.

- What kind of cheap-ass backpack is this, Tom?

- It was a gift from my grandmother.

It's not high quality.

- Man, your bag smells like Sun Chips.

- This drug deal is off the rails.

- Oh, look! It's Tom, from band!

- Oh, no. - What's going on here, Tom?

- I'm just hanging out here with my friends.

This is, uh, my buddy, the bus driver.

- Hi, how you doing?

- And this is Nelson. - Nice to meet you.

- And I believe this guy's name is Glenn.

- Hooking my boy up with some snacks,

not leaving tracks, straight up.

- This is why I don't like you talking to him.

It's this kind of stuff, right here.

- I'm watching you, Tom,

and wherever you go, someone will be watching.

- Okay.

- Guess who's gonna be watching?

- Got to assume it's you, right?

- Don't talk back to me.

- Oh, yeah.

That is how you swing a bat.

- Tom. - Hey, coach.

- Look at you. You are amped for this game.

- Feeling confident, feeling loose.

- Tom, look at me right now. I can't put you in.

- Oh, no. I have to play.

- You didn't have what we'd call a "strong debut."

- Oh, no. Come on.

I'm a new man. Look at my body.

- Listen, you can't.

- Coach, you gotta let me play

or I'm gonna slap you in your face.

I'm gonna slap you right now. - I'm sorry.

- I say the kid plays.

- Who-- Okay, who are you?

- Hi, I'm Nelson, new owner.

- This is adorable, but you can't "own" one of these.

This is more of like a-- it's like a sponsorship.

- My name's on the shirt. Look down.

Now look up. Let's not get into semantics.

Suit up, baby. You're going in.

- Thank you.

- So you just--

you're just going to listen to him like that?

- It seems like he's the owner, from what I'm being told.

- All right, here we go.

- Strike one for the pants pooper!

- You don't have to keep bringing that up.

We've all moved on.

- The memory still lingers. - All right.

- Strike two, for Shitty Shitty Pants Pants.

- That's crossing the line. - What would you prefer?

- I know it got a laugh, but it's crossing the line.

- Look. I apologize.

- All right, here we go.

Come on, Tom. You can do this.

We are all juiced up and ready for action.

♪ ♪

- And that one is out of here!

- Oh, I'm on top of the world. What a day.

Best day of my life. Thanks, Ma.

- I'm proud of you, buddy!

- Thank you. Thank you, everyone.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa. Stop clapping.

And put him down.

Does no one else find it suspicious that this kid

with this body just hit a home run?

I want him tested for performance-enhancing drugs,

right now. - What?

- Wait, what? Drugs?

- Are you out of your mind? My Tom's a great kid.

- Oh, if he's such a great kid,

let's see him whip out his dong and give us a urine sample.

- Can you say dong at a little league game?

I wasn't aware you can say that.

- Come on, Tom, whip it out.

- You know what?

I don't think this is going to go away.

I, uh, I've got a confession to make.

I did drugs. I'm all jacked up on 'roids.

- I knew it! - Tom, no!

- That's why I look so freakishly muscular.

- Um, those weren't drugs, Tom.

- Where did you come from?

- They were mint flavored Mentos.

- Oh, those are my favorite. - Yes, they're delicious.

They're not quite candy, and they're not quite mints.

- No, if they weren't drugs,

why would I shove them up my butt every six hours?

- I don't know who told you that, Tom.

All I know is,

I saw a child who was struggling

and needed a confidence boost. So...

- What's happening?

- I let him believe the drugs were real,

but it was really you all along.

You had the power inside you.

Aw.

- Aww? Don't say "aww".

This maniac staged a fake drug deal!

- Yeah, but Tom, his heart was in the right place.

- What a great guy. - Seriously, what a hero!

- Free drinks for the bus driver on me!

Let's do it! Woot woot!

Yeah!

- You're carrying him away?

- I'm tearing up right now.

- That feels like a bit much.

- This was a terrible season opener for the Nelsons.

Man, this is a bad investment.