Original subtitles

She won an Oscar. She built a wellness empire,

and her next move is to create a candle

that smells like her --Her front bottom.

I don't know why, I just had to smell it for myself.

This is underwhelming. I thought it would be bigger.

I mean, even for someone like me

who likes that area more than others,

I mean, I don't want my whole house to smell like it.

Yeah. So many variables.

A woman's pH, her diet,

whether she's gone on a long walk or not,

you know, whether she's just a woman

who produces more of that --Alrighty, let's light it up.

I got places to be.

♪♪

I'm getting essence of rosewater and...

lavender.

This is what I imagine

like a cartoon hoo-ha to smell like.

I don't smell anything.

Oh, okay, something's coming.

It's like a --

Oh! Oh, God, it just hits you! Oh, my gosh!

My eyes are burning a little bit.

That candle ran a marathon. Oh.

Yeah, well, stars, they're just like us.

Mm, smells good in here.

Smells like my grandma Betty's house.

♪♪

♪ Hey!

♪♪

Have fun.

Oh.

I thought I heard tires screeching to a stop.

Always a pleasure to see you, Mrs. Lakier.

Okay, I hope the kids

are better actors than you are. They're not.

I need two tickets to the Willy Wonka show,

unless it's sold out.

Is it sold out?

Never for you.

Two tickets will be $14.

$14? Luke's an Oompa Loompa.

He has one line -- "dippity-da."

It's "dippity-doo."

Oh, my God, doesn't matter.

Actually, it's a very famous line --

Oh, wow.

It's like the evidence locker

at a police station in there.

Okay, Higgins.

Here's that.

Ooh, a loosie.

Huh, oblong yellow.

I'm gonna have to Google that.

The tickets. Ah.

Is this gonna be good?

Not a chance.

Okay, great.

Hey, guys.

What are you drinking?

Explain yourself, and also give me a sip.

♪♪

Okay, my blood is easily 50% chemicals,

and that's too much for me.

It's a mocha-lotta-latte.

It's basically frozen diabetes.

Something I would never drink before.

But I gave her a book about how saying yes

can enhance your life and make you happier.

I basically said no to new experiences my whole life

because I was so busy being a doctor,

and now I'm gonna say yes because, you know,

what else am I gonna do?

Okay, so this'll be about a week of yeses

followed by two full years of hard nos.

I'm sorry, not you.

Don't be this person, Jodie. Huh, what person?

The person who likes someone

and then makes their entire life about that one person.

You're supposed to go through this phase in high school

because then you can get new friends, but, I mean, we're it.

I mean, after us, it's what, like PTA

or, I don't know, AA.

Or AAA.

I'm not making Matt my whole world.

In fact, I'm starting a new organizing business.

Been doing it for free ever since I had kids, so...

That's awesome, Jodie. This is great!

I've already started transforming my home

with The Jodie Method.

Still workshopping the name. Uh-huh.

Yeah. But do you guys want to come over after here

and see my shelving vision?

Jodie, you know that things in their proper place

give me severe anxiety.

And I assume that's a no for you, Sarah, so... yes?

Is that why you gave me the yes book?

How long have you been planning this?

Uh... Oh, God.

What? W-What happened?

What did he do? It's Luke's school.

Mr. Higgins: Hi, Mrs. Lakier.

It's Mr. Higgins.

No emergencies. I just wa--

Uh, you know what, I'm going through a tunnel,

so I'm pro-- I'm -- my -- losin--

Oh.

Oh, damn it.

Still in a --unnel.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I just wanted to say that we really love

having you around the school more often,

and your love of your children,

it really shines through your scowl.

Tunnel.

I have a drug question.

Just out of the tunnel.

What's -- What -- How can I help you?

Well, you see, my pharmacy ran out of my focus medication,

and I couldn't help but notice this morning

that you had quite a lot of pharmaceuticals,

and one of them appeared to be focus-related.

Mm-hmm, methamphetamines.

Go on. I'll cut to the chase.

You gots what I needs.

Well, I mean, any--

Anything to help the school,

and something finally in my skillset.

Look, I'm headed to work now,

so, I mean, where do you want to meet?

I could -- I could swing by the school.

No, no, no, no, no, that would be unprofessional.

Uh, how about your house?

Uh, here's the thing, I don't want to be that kind of mom,

but, you know, I mean, a drug deal at the house

is a little sketch.

It's not a drug deal. I'm not paying you.

Oh, okay, perfect.

Perf it is.

And now the pièce de résistance.

Jodie, do I really have to see the bathroom?

Are you kidding me? This is my specialty.

Plus, Mackenzi Cox has already cornered

the garage, kitchen, and closet market.

Then why did I have to see the garage, kitchen, and closet?

To build suspense.

Over the course of their lives,

women spend 2 years and 40 days in the bathroom.

Men actually spend 85 more days,

'cause, you know...

Shaving. Yeah, that's it.

School mom. Nightmare.

I was trying to create a home sanctuary.

I really think I nailed it.

Jodie, where did you learn how to do all this?

Oh, it's intuitive. Plus YouTube.

In the basket over the bathtub,

you'll find your towels...

and over here, you'll find your different soaps.

Go ahead, check 'em out. Go look, look at 'em.

I'm looking.

Sarah, you have to say yes to self-care.

I mean, look at those soaps.

♪♪

Feel the towels.

You know, normally, I really wouldn't feel towels.

Okay. I'm gonna feel the towels.

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, God.

Jodie, are you on your phone?

♪♪

I'm texting Dan!

♪♪

Hey.

Sarah's in the bathroom so I'm whispering,

but I messed up bad.

I messed up real bad!

Oh, my God, this is my favorite kind of conversation.

Go.

I accidentally sent Dan an R-rated text meant for Matt!

I am just getting the best phone calls today.

Amy!

I need a lie, like right now!

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Uh, you're with a bunch of moms at the park.

One of them thought it would be a good idea to text your husband.

You couldn't get your phone back because, well,

I mean, the -- the mother was in a wheelchair and you felt bad.

Why is she in a wheelchair? Because she broke her hip.

How did she break her hip? She tripped on a toy, so she's gonna be

out of commission for four to six more weeks.

Aww, poor thing.

Oh, wait. Wow, you're good.

It's all about the backstory.

Wait.

Dan texted me!

A thumbs-up emoji?

I put myself out there sexually

and all he can muster is a thumbs up emoji?

He's such a jerk.

You got to be careful. You are not good at this.

You're doing some major-league lying

with some little-league skills.

From now on, I'm gonna be...

really careful. Great, I got to go

'cause I got to go do a -- I got to go do a drug deal.

Okay. What?

♪♪

Matt.

Well, you have been a real trouper.

Let's go -- What are you doing?

Hi.

I figured I'd say yes to a bath.

Oh, you're still doing that!

Oh.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Mm.

♪♪

Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Nice jumping that fence.

Alright, let's just get you... Whoa, Mrs. Lakier, it's not that kind of visit.

Alright, I just need to make sure you're not wearing a wire.

Oh, come on, let me have a little fun with this.

Alright. Yeah, thank you.

Alright, now we're good, we're good, we're good.

Now...

Okay, let's see here.

Hmm.

Here we go, here we go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

These should be good.

These'll definitely put a little pep in your step.

Oh, great.

Now, a friend brought these back from Cancun,

so you're gonna want to keep some electrolytes on hand

and maybe a number for poison control.

Anything else?

Mm, no, that's it.

Now, since you just have to get 'til Thursday,

I can give you 10 fives, or if you prefer, five 10s,

and you can just break the bars.

I'll take five 10s, and you know what,

just throw in a couple of fives, too,

'cause I have back-to-back parent-teacher conferences

on Wednesday and those can be a lot.

Well, this counts as ours.

Thank you for this.

I am gonna hit you back.

Someday, and that day may never come.

I may call upon you to do me a favor.

I think your "Godfather" impersonation

is slightly off.

Get out of here. Unbelievable.

You really suck the joy out of being a drug lord.

Here's your tea!

I'm guessing that bath is getting pretty cold by now.

No, no, it's perfect. I just filled it.

Well, maybe you can drink your tea

while you get dressed to leave.

Oh, no, I'm not going anywhere.

I'm catching up on a lifetime of baths.

I'm gonna stay put.

Aren't you getting really pruny in there?

Oh, I don't get pruny. Just lucky that way.

Well, I've got to go

take Evan his soccer stuff to school, so...

Okay.

Just, um, turn on some music for me, like, something bathy.

Yeah.

Oh. Oh!

This is my jam.

Saying yes.

Saying yes to this.

Dude, this is so cool.

Hey, guys. You look great.

Oh, wow, Luke,

are you officiating the Cirque du Soleil later?

I got the lead part in the play.

He's Wonka!

What?! Wow! How about that? Yeah.

Congrats! This is major.

That's the problem!

I wanted to be in the background with my friends.

Okay, oh, come on.

He has friends?

I mean, this is just all good news today.

Well, he's upset

'cause he already memorized "doompa-dee doo."

Maybe this is a little out of his league.

I don't know, maybe the kid's breaking out of his shell.

I don't think Mr. Higgins would've given him Wonka

if he didn't think he could do it.

Well...

"Well," what?

I might've had something to do with that.

Oh, boy.

I, um -- I gave Mr. Higgins, uh...

two free tickets to my cooking show,

so he's probably just repaying us by giving Luke the lead.

Don't they give those away at the gas station?

Okay, only when we can't fill the audience

with people from the halfway house.

Not big clappers.

Well, either way,

it's commendable that you'd do that for your son.

And I'm not gonna lie,

that makes more sense than Luke getting Mr. W on his own.

Alright, I'll call Higgins and get him his old part back.

No, don't you even think about that.

I've got my phone, and I got him into this,

and I'm gonna --

I'm gonna get him right out of this, so...

Mr. Higgins: Hi, Mrs. Lakier.

Oh, hey, Mr. Higgins. Didn't even -- Didn't even ring.

Um, look, here -- Here's the thing.

We are -- We're so --

I mean, so nice of you to give Luke the lead in the play,

but as it turns out, he doesn't want it,

so if we could just get the "doompa-dee doo" back,

that'd be great. No can doompa-dee doo.

If I keep jerking these kids around,

it'll send a red flag to the parents.

What's he saying?

Okay, can I just get a little privacy?

Why would you need privacy right now? Ugh!

Okay, why don't I give you another little care package?

Some, uh...

focus medicine, if you will?

Oh, I'm in a --unnel.

I can't --

Well, it's -- it's too late.

Playbills, they're printed,

so, you know, I think this is for the best.

'Cause do we want to send the message to our kids

that any time they don't want to rise to the occasion,

we're just gonna bail them out?

He's 7. Exactly.

It is time for him to learn those hard truths.

Alright, well, you better go start rehearsing with him,

'cause the kid stinks.

Mm-hmm, okay.

Alright, Luke, let's put this top hat back on.

It's gonna be a long night, buddy.

Wait, why did you put this back on? You're slowing me down.

Oh, I took that picture yesterday.

My muscles were poppin'.Okay, well, take it back off.

Wow, really energetic today.

Is this that new pea powder protein shake I recommended?

Say that three times fast.

Pea powder protein, pea powder protein, pea powder protein.

Shh!

Oh, no.

My mom's home early.

Oh.

Okay, she probably just forgot her sudoku.

You know, I mean, she does them when they're slow at the office.

Okay, but she won't come down here, right?

Like, she respects your privacy? Totally.

Um, well, unless she's got to

get something out of the dryer. Woman: Matt?

That's your mom?

She sounds so young. How old is she?

She's mom age. 46. And a half.

But don't call her 47, 'cause she'll get really mad.

Okay, I'm just gonna go say hi

and I'm gonna get her right out the door, okay?

Yeah, don't forget about me.

Hey.

I could never forget about you.

Aww.

Go! Right.

"Mom age"?

Oh, come on, little blue line, you can do it.

You can do it, you can do it, you can do it.

♪♪

Damn.

♪♪

Best soak ever.

Amy: Don't scratch your butt like that.

Luke: It's what I do when I'm nervous.

Okay, well, don't do that onstage.

Hey, Mr. Higgins.

Mr. Higgins: Hi.Thanks for calling me back.

Look, I wanted to talk to you about this Wonka deal.

I, uh -- I know you told Amy that it's too late,

but is there anything at all we can do

to get Luke back in this Oompa Loompa role?

You know, at drop-off, I couldn't help but notice

that your hair looks naturally thick.

Oh.

Yeah, I guess it is pretty thick.

Do you know anything about hair pills?

Um... wait, why?

♪♪

Just take one a day,

and then the hair will start growing back

in like three weeks.

You'll downgrade him to Oompa Loompa?

Done.

♪♪

♪♪

How long have I been asleep?

Jodie?

♪♪

Honey, I'm home.

♪♪

♪♪

There's a flaw in The Jodie Method.

♪♪

Where are you?

Skipped the meeting.

Came home early for sex stuff.

Might only have time for me.

♪♪

Mm...

Okay, uh...

♪♪

Oh, no!

♪♪

Oh, no, no, no.

I mean, zero charisma.

I mean, I'm talking Johnny Depp-level Wonka there.

Well, you don't have to worry about it.

I got him his Oompa Loompa back.

You talked to Higgins? What did he say?

Did he -- Did he mention me?

I did a terrible thing.

Huh, but did he mention me?

I feel so dirty.

Youfeel dirty?

Hmm.

Yeah.

You know how he thought your cooking-show tickets were a bribe?

Mm-hmm, mm. My -- yeah, my cooking-show tickets.

Well, I did way worse.

He asked me why my hair is so thick,

and the next thing I knew, I was slipping him

the last of my hair pills through the back door.

Apparently, his insurance company

stopped covering the good stuff.

What?! The last of it?

You have got to get that refilled, Henry.

I told you, you do not have the face for a bald man.

That's your takeaway?

I'm a scalp stimulants trafficker.

Well, yeah. I mean, I'm not happy about that.

It's extremely poor judgment and it's hideous,

and I did think that you were above all of that,

and we can never tell our son

because he'll lose all respect for you,

but you know what?

Do not beat yourself up about it.

Okay, I'll try. I don't know that I can.

I know.

Look, I know it's sixes,

but would it help you to know that I, um --

I didn't give him tickets to the cooking show?

I gave him, uh, prescription drugs.

You gave a teacher drugs?

For our son, remember?

Look, I finally found a way to contribute to Luke's school

instead of standing at some, I don't know, car wash.

I'm helping the teachers of America, okay?

I'm a good mother.

You're a drug lord.

Luke could get kicked out of school.

You'd have to home school him.

You could get arrested.

Home school? In this house?

I don't know how you live with you.

I-I feel like scum.

Well, the pills help, but, I mean, I'd offer you one.

But as you know, I'm running low now.

I think the real -- The real thing here

is that we are good parents

who want the worst for our son.

Well, you make a good point.

You want to go upstairs and tell him?

No, there's no way I'm going back up there.

I'm definitely not going.

There's not enough of this in the world.

Woman: Did you eat the turkey I left?

Why do you look so flushed?

Gonna have to switch providers.

♪♪

♪♪

I don't know where Jodie is,

but she was supposed to be my ride home.

♪♪

Oh, come on, core strength.

What am I doing?

What are you doing?

Okay.

Matt: Hey, babe.

Oh! Hey, what's going on?

Hey. Hi.

Um, is your mom leaving?

Oh, no, she whipped out the sweatpants. She's not going anywhere for a while.

Okay, I have to go. This is the only way out, so...

Man, I really want to feel bad about this,

but look at you.

I'm so glad we blasted your glutes the other day.

Your butt looks amazing.

Really?! Really?

Yes. Okay, do you mind giving me a hand?

Alright, fine, but only because I want to touch you.

Whoa! Go, go, go!

Clench the buttocks!

Hey, you did it. I did it!

I have a confession.Yeah.

I didn't do anything. What?

Yeah, I knew you could do it.

Oh, okay. I got to go. Alright.

Bye. Alright.

Wait, tell me about my butt again.

Oh, my God, it looks amazing.

Bye.

♪♪

♪♪

Ugh.

Saw his peanuts?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Make a left here.

Mm.

♪♪

Amy: I just never got sudoku.

Amy, it was terrifying.

I could've been caught by his mother.

Can you imagine?

Oh, I've been caught by a lot of moms back in the day.

And some girlfriends, too.

That -- That was actually kind of fun.

You must've been freaking out, though.

I mean, what would you have done if she had come down?

I don't know.

I've become reckless.

I'm unhinged.

I tossed everything just to see him.

Like, it didn't even occur to me

that I could blow up my entire life if I got caught.

It was the most exhilarating moment of my life.

It was so exciting, and I could tell you

I'm going to stop, and I should, but I'm not.

Of course not.

♪♪

You can have your yes book back.

How was I supposed to know

you were going to take the world's longest bath?

I was taking an interest in your work. Where were you?

I was at Evan's soccer game, and I felt bad

and had to help a woman in a wheelchair.

Mm-hmm.

Dan and I, we smushed parts.

Oh, I know.

He's not nearly as upset about it as you are.

Oh, okay, well, I have got to go

get Luke kicked out of band.

I'll tell you what,

drugs really do solve everything.

Do you have anything in there that can help me forget about Dan's parts?

No.

May-- no.

♪♪

This helps me forget about Dan's parts.

♪♪

It makes everything better.

♪ Yeah

♪♪